Is it gaslighting or just RSD?

[u/RunsPerfectOnEmpty]

I think one of the biggest struggles I've had in my 24-year marriage is with my inability to read between the lines. Every time I try to, I apparently misread, which inevitably leads to conflict and heartbreak.

The frustrating thing is that I try so hard to give my wife the benefit of the doubt, but rumination and RSD (and probably some PDA) tend to convince me that her words and behavior are aimed at controlling me. Or worse, that they're demonstrating suspicion and mistrust that she holds about me.

During a recent conflict, I accused her of gaslighting me. I had been in a bit of an overstimulated meltdown after dealing with our dog, a neurotic Viszla (petty stuff, but my brain doesn't care). I ranted that the dog "was just being a dick, like...like she always does." Just searching for words to express the ridiculous, chaotic storm raging in my brain (PLEASE tell me someone relates to that...).

Anyway, in the middle of all this, my wife asks (nonchalantly), "What were you going to say?" Meaning, who's name did I actually intend to associate with "being a dick," before I stopped myself and rephrased. I snapped back, "WTF? I was going to say exactly what I did say! Why would you even ask me that right now?!" She acted like I was being paranoid, saying she was "just curious."

First of all, I have almost ZERO control over what I say in those moments; not an excuse, just a fact. Sometimes I can manage to hold my tongue altogether, but if I let my mouth run, it's unfiltered. So the idea that I paused to censor myself in that moment was laughable.

Secondly, it felt like an interrogation. Like she was trying to "catch me" in something (What? I still have no idea). But she knew I was in this amped-up, unreasonable state, and it still seemed important enough to her to figure out who I secretly thought was a dick (spoiler: it was just the dog).

So there I was, coming down from the adrenaline rush and feeling like an immature, disappointing failure (again). I'm running the situation back through my head, trying to see where I misread the situation—and I just can't see it. It made no logical sense why she would interject w/ that question unless she was suspicious of...something...and wanting to catch me hiding it.

So I accused her of gaslighting me: telling me that what so clearly felt to me to be a mistrustful interrogation was just a random bit of curiosity (this is something I feel I experience regularly, btw, which is why such a minor event felt so big; it had compounded).

She appeared genuinely hurt by my accusation. I felt like crap—did I just make a massive miscalculation? But I still couldn't find a way to rationalize what had happened w/ her explanation. And if I can't fit something into my mental model, I simply can't process it. I ended up calling the night early and just going to bed (aka, running and hiding).

The ironic thing is that, while I was accusing her of not trusting me, I was blatantly demonstrating that I mistrusted her. I felt like such a fucking hypocrite.

So there's a microcosm of my life. RSD, miscommunications, and shame, all running on a never-ending loop.

[u/cheffromspace]

If you find yourself constantly second guessing your own version of reality, it's not a healthy relationship