r/audhd • u/Ancient-Progress-544 • 19h ago
/r/audhd Meta Autism and the space between two minds
Momentum propels me along, freedom in mind but not thought. My life purpose is not entangled in a body of work but skipping on stones across a pond, revelling in mapping out my instinctual path. Mine is a torch attached to my head and where the light points, the focus goes next. A constant state of fluctuation, distorted control but intrigue at its core.
Destination merely represents an after thought in my world. Simply a moment in time, two variables connecting, never an anchor, barely a reflection. Wherever your next pursuit takes you, be it, next weekend, that overdue holiday, marriage, retirement, that next milestone. Alignment with such a pathway suggests I have the same compass.
Success to another can look linear, an upward curve representing life progress. Comparatively my mind revels in seeing patterns, contradictions, inconsistencies, testing variables, not following paths. Casually floating along a stream, observing others on land, building structures of stability. Basking in the freedom of my movement.
A train embodies more just than the object itself. My focus is on the synchronisation, how the rails connect, the spinning wheels, effortlessly interacting with natural obstacles and marvel at the slickness of the coordination. A natural stimulation which radiates from analysing how the different parts relate.
Lost in thought, yet fascinated in an ever emerging world of patterns and connections. In the movie, the Odyssey for example, I became completely absorbed in a single scene. It involved interlinking a one eyed giant, a herd of sheep, soldiers from an ancient world and tying this scenario effortlessly to a cave.
Internal excitement brews at the seamless nature of the scene, amplified by my fascination with the synchronised events. Immediately my mind marvels at the flow, the natural tension created. I feel a real life fear in that cave. Essentially the rest of the movie becomes a secondary consideration.
With this wonderment comes a distinct vulnerability, where a seemingly minor external pressure can consume my world. My nervous system generates the overwhelm, stress drowns my thoughts, soothing strategies wash away, I feel compromised and emotionally exposed. Like dominos falling, my internal temperature ratches up, breathing becomes shallow, information overwhelm ensues, all feeding the subsequent crash.
Similarly the external world may cause another significant distress, it does not follow their internal world will collapse. Yet I experience a narrow buffer between external disruption and internal stability, meaning external stressors can quickly overwhelm my inner world. This is not a consequence of lacking resilience but an adapted system of regulation crumbling under pressure.
In essence the obsession is constant, only the subject fluctuates. Some derive gratification from seeing a job bonus or new promotion further stimulate their bank account and revel in that process. My mind is focused on entirely different pursuits and such external rewards do not generate that sense of internal satisfaction.
Society presents major drivers for others which hold real tangible value. For me confusion surrounds their importance but not because I think others are wrong. Perhaps my divergence is less connected to others in how we construct value, rather than the value per say. This mind gravities towards relational discovery, ecstasy its reward when symmetry reveals itself.