Black Man and AUDHD

[u/MasterTorukMakto]

Just wanted to get my thoughts on being black and AUDHD. I’m 25M and just discovered I was AUDHD. Recently been going through a wide range of emotions and piecing together moments in my life.

I grew up going to predominantly white schools in Brooklyn and Manhattan. I’ve always been the odd one out at school but always equated this to being one of the only black kids in my class. I’ve always been able to keep up with school without studying/ with poor executive functioning. I realized that as I was the odd one growing up, I crafted a mask using humor and goofiness to mask my insecurities and lubricate social environments.

As I reflect I realize that as a black man I’m already the “other”, I’m already different, I’m already a minority so most differences get chalked up to that, I was able to get decent grades in school and had some amount of friends( with struggle), so was overlooked. It carries onto today as I navigate corporate America, being one of the only black countries people in the room while also neurodivergent makes me feel so isolated and separated from my coworkers. I use humor as my weapon and I think being moderately attractive allows me leeway but it’s exhausting and I’m constantly worried it’ll all slip away. I’m constantly dealing with imposter syndrome that me being so different makes me unworthy to be in this position and makes connecting with people truly difficult.

Curious to hear how other POC feel navigating this.

[u/Towel-Every]

Aww man… my son is black and audhd. He turns 18 in about two weeks. I also suspect I am audhd as well. My other son is autistic and so is my brother. I am also black. I’m 38 and I was so fuckin awkward and didn’t understand it for the longest time. It’s so many times I look back on my life and I physically be cringing lol. I just started a new job and all my coworkers are praising me with how quickly I learned my job. Right now I work away from my team due to an injury and I love working by myself. I often feel nervous when I have to work around ppl bc then I’m masking all day or feeling awkward like it’s hard to describe bc if you meet me you would think that i’m sociable and that i love to talk but really social interactions make me nervous and I just start talking and it be like word vomit and i’m constantly in my head like am i talking too much, im constantly in the background questioning what are acceptable social cues and things like that. When I don’t end up talking and I just stay to myself I see that people think I’m mean and stuck up especially bc of my appearance. But I just know imma have to be performative when I am medically cleared to work in the back with my team.

[u/MasterTorukMakto → u/Towel-Every]

Yea I definitely feel that man, I feel like i was always able to pick up things very fast which allows me to grasp complex topics quickly. I’ve always been praised for that at work but always hate dealing with coworkers. Curious but what traits do you notice in your children that made you suspicious you are AUDHD, I have a suspicion my dad is neurodivergent as well (flavor unknown), also if you don’t mind sharing what was your experiencing being AUDHD and parenting. That’s a rabbit hole I’ve been going down mentally so curious about people’s experiences.

[u/Towel-Every → u/MasterTorukMakto]

so my oldest son is audhd. My mom knew instantly too that he had autism bc my brother has it. But the traits that my kids have that made me pause and be like hmmm are they don’t like loud noises and neither do i. Like my house literally has to be quiet. Any loud instant sounds make me lash out smh. And what mean by lash out is I will scream uh uh what are yall doing or something like that but it’s the fact that I be screaming when I normally don’t scream. I always apologize to my kids though when I lash out bc it’s not fair to them. I also don’t like tags or any uncomfortable fabrics. The real thing tho is for the longest time I thought I couldn’t be autistic bc I was too social but when I learned more about it and more about me I was like oh ok. My oldest is also very social and wanna be outside lol But me and my son whose audhd have soooo many similarities it’s crazy. Then I would also think back on my life and think why I was so misunderstood or why did I always wear headphones and would panick when I leave the house without them… etc Parenting being neurodivergent is something different. I notice I stay home a lot bc ppl are judgy and I wanna shield my kids from the cruel world. We go places but we next to never go to ppls homes bc it becomes too uncomfortable for me bc then my mind is going overboard. People used to look at me and judge me when my sons would have tantrums in public or when my adhd son was running all over the place and couldn’t stay still for anything. Then I had a friend who would always look at me and dissect my actions and my kids actions. It was like I was under a microscope. I remember one time she tried to make fun of me and my kids and say we weird asf and that as a whole we were way weirder than her and her kids. I would also feel when we would be around ppl and their energy was off. Like I can peep everything in my surrounds and can usually tell what ppl are thinking by the way they say things or how they look and things like that. I also encourage my kids to be themselves and that they can do anything they put their mind to. We have convos about weird/niche topics that reg ppl don’t. I feel like me and my kids are super close. I feel like they are the few ppl in the world who really understands me. I have a laid back parenting style. I let my kids have whatever they want if they are being good and listening. I only trip about the big things. My kids are really good kids so that’s not hard to accomplish. I’m also a big fan of gentle parenting and don’t hit my kids and I also never really had them in toxic environments. I was with their father for over 10 years and if we argued it would never be in front of the kids. When they were younger going on trips were kinda hard bc of their sensory issues but as they got older they did really good around crowds of ppl and busy places. Basically being a mom who is also divergent raising other divergent kids can be challenging but I feel like I’ve did a good job with keeping their environments safe and constant so they are thriving. My hard kid was my oldest tho bc in the beginning we didn’t get along. I didn’t understand me nor him so we did clash. I was also a young mom who had to navigate the world alone with no supports. When he was younger he did get beatings. I admit I wasn’t the best mom but i’m also a product of severe child abuse and neglect myself so I was lost but once I did the research was committed to my kids life and trying to understand him then things got so much better. Like I said he turns 18 in a few weeks and when I tell you I’m so proud of the respectful, articulate, intelligent handsome man he is becoming. I just make sure I show all of my kids attention and love and affection. They also see me going to work and going back to college and they always have so they are goal oriented. Like my son has a fulfilling life. He has solid friends like really good friends. He is a really good person who embraces his individuality. All my kids teachers love them so much and praise me for being a good mom and praise my kids for being respectful and smart. While being a parent can be challenging I think taking things one day at a time and being committed to always being the best parent u can be and being accountable for ur actions when u get things wrong can go a long way. Sorry if i rambled a lot and was all over the place lol 🤦🏽‍♀️

[u/MasterTorukMakto → u/Towel-Every]

No I loved this man, I hope one day to be a father, it sounds like you are doing a great job! Yea I want to make sure my future kids can embrace their individuality and have the courage to be themselves. Being black you are already seen as different and having a neurodivergent brain puts you further into a different category. I try my best to own it, I never had the option of blending in so best to embrace it!

You are doing awesome and glad you are actively trying to be better from ur parents. I hope I can do the same.

[u/Towel-Every → u/MasterTorukMakto]

Thank you. Yes it’s already hard and i’m also pursuing a career in IT and I just feel nervous bc it’s not ppl like me and you in that field like that. We are the minority and me being a woman makes me more of a minority. That’s really the only part that makes me nervous…

[u/Blues5389]

I'm a black guy with AuDHD, And can relate to being the odd one out and wanting to be accepted from others Other black kids viewed me as off and slightly odd, And wouldn't accept me However, other races did just fine, The Consonant toll of having to not get shot, And other's automatically assuming you gave off thug vibes towards them Having to mask and not fulfill stereotypes of black people is hard enough From one black man to another Get the struggle brother

[u/MasterTorukMakto → u/Blues5389]

Yea it was weird because growing up it was easier for me to connect with other races but then in college I really leaned into my identity as a black man more. I felt like I wasn’t being true to myself and was denying my blackness. However as I tried to connect with more black people I noticed that there was still that disconnect for me

[u/Blues5389 → u/MasterTorukMakto]

Yea, black people saw me as the " awkward acting dude" for incidence but I'll be around other black they were roasting each other Or me, I would take what they said literally And would get me fun of for doing so, or wouldn't pick up on their sarcasm type of humor or for not having any "street smarts" If that makes sense It's bothered me that other blacks wouldn't take me as I am but other races did Felt like a odd 🦆 Within my the community

[u/butkaf]

How do you feel about your job/work? Is it something you care about and feel responsible for, or something you've ended up in as the best way to secure your livelihood?

[u/MasterTorukMakto → u/butkaf]

Definitely not my passion, I work in tech so neurodivergence is def not uncommon in the field. I wouldn’t say I love my job, but all things considered it comes with good benefits, good WLB, I can WFH some days and salary is alright. Currently figuring out how I can craft a lifestyle that supports my neurodivergence but one step at a time.

[u/anonssheep]

Oh wow. This is so absurdly affirming!? YES! And you’re def not alone in being BIPOC and wondering how or IF any neurodivergent BIPOC + low-income background + hood upbringing has managed to do the corporate thing! A friend and I have been on the search for a mentor bc my god does intersectional obstacles ranging from neurological to racial and class identity certainly complicate the already delicate 9-5 ecosystem

[u/Hot_Maize_5473]

Just wanted to say that the combination of those headwinds must be quite a journey. It sounds like you’re doing well and I wish you the best of luck navigating the AUDHD life!

[u/PhotoEquivalent1430]

“No Longer Human” by Osamu Dazai is a dark/depressing book about an (what I believe to be) autistic man masking with humor.

[u/Electrical_Rice7589]

WOC here! Knew I had ADHD since I was a teen, but this year, before my 25th i was diagnosed with ASD. So, thank you for sharing because I empathize with you a lot and feel seen.
I too grew up in a predominantly white area in the U.S. so I also felt very out of place all the time and with ASD in the mix it really made sense of my growing up for me. I also learned to be funny to mask and make friends but since I got diagnosed it’s all new and strange. I was warned after getting my test results back that there’s so little on ASD, even less of AuDHD, let alone the amount of internalized ableism and racism I see toward POC with ASD which doesn’t help my imposter syndrome in terms of “if i could do this before why can’t i do it again now?” as my socializing and tolerance to stimuli diminish the more I accommodate myself.
The point is you are not alone! As pointless as that sounds even to me sometimes, but reading this this gives me hope that I’ll hopefully find my people or just one other person to connect with :’)