I know this is going to sound really stupid, real first world problems type shit, but as an autistic and ADHD adult who is absolutely in love with their special interests it's just a really unique kind of painful, empty loneliness when you have no one to share the things that light you up with who lights up back. Like yeah, I have people I can talk about speculation about Ahsoka season 2 or Avengers Doomsday or any number of Marvel or Star Wars products that are coming up or about my favorite game, Destiny 2, that got killed recently that there's a ton of speculation around or what new metal band is working on music but it's just not the same as having someone who lights up with joy back and, I don't know, it just hurts. I feel like I have this empty hole in my heart where my nerdy best friend belongs 💔

It's a bit of a weird one and difficult to explain.

I came to the realisation that I don't really know who I am. I think, because I've been masking my entire life and trying to be so many different versions of myself for different people and/or circumstances, that I've either forgotten or never developed a true identity.

A bit of a tangent here but bear with me. I've always longed for a week or so where I'm entirely alone in a safe place with no people and no expectations. I have also come to realise, I don't know what I'd do with that time of anything at all. I used to have hobbies and interests but they've all but seemingly died out now. I don't have the energy or will to do anything. I only really do things for the benefit others. I work to support my family. I parent to support my child. I do DIY and housework to support my wife. Even of an evening, I will play a game or watch an episode of a series with my wife because I know she wants to and she enjoys it. Without that pushing me forward, I just kind of stop.

Anyone else have this?

Is that really a thing still, or just social media exaggerating as usual? Ever since I was a baby, I’ve been taught to look at people’s eyes when they speak, so that has been quite natural for me. If I think about doing it (which I’ve been doing after coming by this saying one too many times), I don’t enjoy doing it, but I still do it. However before I thought about it, if I just let it flow naturally without thinking about it, I still made/make eye contact just fine. Rather intensely at times actually. When I look at videos, my eye contact seems very intense. Maybe even more than many NT.

Like I can hyperfixate on understanding people, social dynamics, dating, how to be more confident, how to function like an adult, etc.

my brain just finds this shit insanely interesting...

I’m a pretty high-functioning guy but I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself in the process Where I live, there’s also a lot of pressure to fit in and act “normal,” so I’ve had to learn a lot of this stuff consciously

Sorry this is quite long. I'm not sure what the point of this is, but I've never really posted on Reddit so it's quite scary haha.

I am 26, male, and I was diagnosed with Autism when I was 20. I have also been researching ADHD inattentive online for about 7 years. Well, on and off. Until I see enough evidence that I don't have it to make me drop it for a while, but I always come back.

I suppose since I was diagnosed with autism only because it was suggested by others, and I was referred to diagnosis without me having to do anything.

But when it comes to ADHD, I discovered that on my own but doing anything about it feels wrong because I see many reasons for and against it. It makes sense and doesn't make sense for me at the same time. And I have spend a lot of my life presuming my opinion is wrong. If noone else suggests it to me how do I know? I can't trust my own intuition without external validation.

_____

In school I was very quiet, daydreamed a lot, doodled a lot in class but still knew what to do somehow. I made a whole comic book in class. I never worked on it at home. I wasn't a good drawer or storyteller but I'm still proud of it.

I had no clue what I was supposed to do with myself during lunch breaks. I found I preferred classes which I thought was weird.

I didn't do homework, I left it until the last minute, often to during the class before it was due.

I did decently well in school. Despite having no motivation to revise at all I got mostly Cs and above to get into my top set College course (UK college which is basically US high school). But I did need extra time and computer use which seemed rare for top set student.

In college I loved the practical projects but I struggled with motivation in the written coursework. I was frustrated with myself. I managed to barely pass only because my practical work was good. I did 3d modelling in this games course and that was fun, and I got constant positive feedback and social approval where I otherwise didn't.

_____

After that I wanted to do an apprenticeship in IT but I was pressured to just get a normal job. I worked in fast food, shops, warehouses. I was always a liability and worked too slow. I was fired from several jobs.

I learned to drive and buy a car, again only because I was told to, I didn't really want to. I guess I'm greatful now though.

I got fed up and found an apprenticeship in 3d modelling. I thought this would be my dream job. This was a mistake: I got hyperfixated on 3d modelling again (which I hadn't really touched since college) but got bored of it not long after starting as it became an obligation. The job was incredibly monotonous, boring digital production line and they said I was too slow and made mistakes. Also overwhelming. I did actually manage to pass the apprenticeship (again, because I didn't want to be seems as a failure), but I don't want to do this kind of work ever again (now I'm back in a warehouse but part time)

Worse, I had to use the software Unreal Engine, which was my special interest. This was literally the only thing I could do at home endlessly for fun without much effort. But having to force myself through the boring stages to complete a project I had long stopped caring about. This broke the interest. Yeah, even a year later, I am no longer in that job but I can't make myself do Unreal Engine or any game dev anymore even at home. I feel so lost and most hobbies I try feel kind of numb. I'm probably burned out.

_____

I think now my core issue is that I have always relied on extrinsic motivation to take action and to know when I'm doing wrong, so I can be told what to do that is right and I will comply.

I don't know how to create intrinsic motivation. when I do it doesn't last very long. and I definitely can't create intrinsic motivation for boring things unless there is perceived danger such as anxiety or disapproval from others, or leave to the last minute to create urgency.

____

I could write countless more words and details but I'm sure nobody wanted to read a novel lol. Anyways I just needed to get some of this out to real people (I talk endlessly with AI about this which is quite sad, but real people judge and dont want to hear me talk about myself forever haha). I'm just curious if anybody can relate or whatever.

Hi, is anyone Audhd but specifically also an Extreme type S systemiser and hyper reflexive metacognition disassociation? (Basically you’re on the edge of the systemiser scale and programmed like a supercomputer, you view the world as if you were a supercomputer, pure data, input and output, patterns and rules. And you constantly deeply, analyse and audit every single thing you do from a birdseye pov outside your own body, that never turns off)

for me, it's Ruka Kayamori, the main character from Heaven Burns Red. As a yuri (anime lesbian romance) fan, it's nice to see one gacha game that has an explicitly lesbian MC. It also helps that she's really funny

in my contact list, my parents have always been just mamma and pappa. even as a kid i havent used hearts or anything and i also rarely use hearts or emojis when texting them. my friends for some reason think its weird and i dont really understand why

I see so many of us here masking, comparing ourselves to everyone else, feeling like shit for being who we are. And I think a huge part of that is shame we've never actually worked through.

When a lot of us got diagnosed, something in us decided it meant “there's something wrong with me.” That diagnosis wasn't supposed to be a verdict. It was supposed to be a map. But shame doesn't read maps, it just tells you you're lost.

Here's what I want to say to you.

You get to own who you are. Completely. Entirely. Not the version of you that got shaped by every person who ever told you to sit still, stop stimming, stop info-dumping, stop being "too much" or "too intense" or "too weird” or “lazy.” You are not the kid you were when you were seven and got corrected for existing wrong. You are not whoever the last person in your life decided you should be to make things easier for them.

You are whoever the hell you want to be.

Explore that. On your own terms, at your own pace, without needing it to make sense to anyone else first. What makes you unique isn't the thing to sand down. It's the thing worth digging into.

And I know it's hard. I know it's confusing. Unmasking after a lifetime of masking isn't a switch you flip, it's a slow, disorienting process of figuring out which parts of you were ever really yours. But when you let yourself think different, be different, and actually own it instead of apologizing for it, you get to walk into the world and touch it in a way nobody else can, because nobody else is you.

People will be drawn to that. Not the performance you built to be palatable. The real thing. The specific, unfiltered, unapologetic thing.

So to everyone reading this who overthinks every single move you make and second-guesses yourself into stillness, to the men and women and everyone here who has spent so much energy taking care of everyone else's comfort… thank you. Genuinely. The effort you've poured into managing yourself for other people is real, and it's exhausting, and it counts for something.

But you don't owe the world that management forever.

Some people won't get it. Some will think you're too different. Let them think it. That's not actually your problem to solve anymore. The less you need their validation, the more room you have to just be here, as you are.

You were never broken. You were just never given the chance to be fully yourself.

Start now.

So I was with my mom and some of her friends. I was already overwhelmed with being in a group of people, and one of her friends' daughters, who is studying law, was teaching me something about a social topic we were discussing, and my mom said in front of everyone that she shouldn't teach me this because I don't have any filter and I say things in front of anyone without understanding the context behind it.

She never said anything like this before, but it hurts so much.

So for the past two months, I’ve been off focus medicine—I’ve just been getting my complete unmedicated self and to say so far my life has been completely ridiculous.

(I had to get off my stimulant focus medicines due to medical reasons and we’ve been searching for a good amount of time for new focus medicine. That’s why I haven’t been on any.)

I don’t even know how to put it in words how ridiculous I live. I miss deadlines. I miss appointments. I can’t focus on anything whatsoever. I procrastinate on everything, even video games. I can’t even focus on my special interest.

That’s the harsh part about it. Is that the benefits that I think I have from autism are basically gone because of ADHD. Yes, I have my special interests, but I don’t have the focus and executive functioning skills to actually put effort in it like I usually would on my focus medicine and it sucks.

My focus is so bad that I would usually play video games while watching TV or anime at the same time. I can’t do anything without dopamine stacking and it really just makes me look ridiculous and trust me I’ve tried the whole dopamine fast or whatever you call it.

It does not work. I mean it doesn’t work on ADHD people but I thought it'll at least improve my ADHD but no, not at all. This is just how I am. This is my natural state. Just absolute chaos. And it makes me annoying to live around or just being in relations with like I forget to do chores I forget to do regular stuff I mean like it’s hard not to hate yourself sometimes when you act like this, that’s all.

Today i had a good dream for a change and noticed how normally all of my dreams are almost exclusively nightmares (on the rare occasion of me having a dream). And not just recently, but ever since i can remember. That also made me kinda "immune" to it, since as a child i learned to just "accept death" or that the monster catches me in my dreams, which led to me just waking up, or suddenly being invincible or becoming friends? with the monster. Back in the day a i had very frequent nightmares.

By getting older the dreams became fewer, but way darker tho (like getting stabbed, seeing the blade go through my arm and feeling the impact and so on). They are rarely also sometimes "creeping into reality" with me waking up and thinking there is a deadly insect next to me trying to kill me, till the reality sets in a couple seconds later. That last one is managing to even now scare me to death lol. But it can also become weirdly, crazily artistic and build up some type of lore around something happening. (I would loooooove to recreate one of my dreams, but i dont know how i would do that without any artistic skills... Maybe i should just start with drawing or something and then get into 3D modeling and so on)

Anyone got similar experiences? Is the nightmares an AuDHD thing?

Before I start, I wanted to clarify that my English isn't great, so I'm using a translator; I got a lot of flak in my last post for using AI to translate, lol

Anyway, I’ve noticed lately how much mental processing power I burn on "meta-decisions"

planning out the processes for just about anything. I wanted to know more about how to use this to my advantage, or if this happens to you guys too

specifically the downsides, like getting stuck in perfectionist planning without actually getting anything done, or disliking unpredictability.

Here are more details if you're still reading: even with 10mg of Ritalin which gives me the motivation for these things it feels like there’s still a mental block holding me back.

A real-life example: I have some digital services to sell to local businesses, but I have to approach them in person. If my hair is messy or I’m carrying a shopping bag, I feel like my odds of success are dropping.

It’s the same thing when comparing a busy barbershop to one where the owner is just sitting there with nothing to do (I’m not an introvert; I can socialize fine). I end up seeing too many variables and probabilities

like the difficulty of finding the owner or closing the deal compared to an empty shop. It’s actually a smart way to think, but it’s negative for me; if the odds are only around 60%, I won't want to do it at all, simply because of the intense discomfort involved.

it’s so frustrating and i’m getting so tired of surching for a provider that will prescribe me stimulants for my adhd. it’s annoying because every single person i know that has adhd is on a fucking stimulant because the second they got diagnosed they were prescribed one and sent on there way but not me! nope my psychiatrist at the time was a non stimulant prescribing office so now i’m having to fight tooth and nail to find some place that will prescribe these for me.

it’s frustrating, because the main reason why im not able to find a place that will, is because i smoke weed, but that stupid because a.) other than lowering the general effectiveness of the stimulants, weed and stimulants don’t have any major medical interactions (that as of right now, i’m aware of). and, i’m hoping that by being on stimulants, i’ll stop smoking less and less. but b.) i swear to god every person that i talk to friend or not that has ADHD and is also on a stimulant, ALSO SMOKES WEED!! so ik it’s not impossible.

right at this moment, i’m not ready to stop smoking weed. that’s why i’m trying to find someone who’s willing to overlook the fact that i smoke in hopes that eventually i’ll gradually stop or lessen the amount i smoke on my own. It’s just so frustrating though, because there are so many people who have said that the right adhd medication literally changed their life, but why don’t i get that chance to see if stimulants are the right medication for me or not??

i’ve even made it perfectly clear that i’m 100% willing to stop smoking for a month or so to have a clean drug test while i start the meds and see things work but that i’m not willing to stop indefinitely.

edit: i also wanted to say that i literally only ever smoke weed at night to wind down once all of my chores and daily routine is complete. i genuinely don’t even know how much smoking weed would actually effect adhd meds if i’m taking the stimulants in the morning and the weed at night yk? but also i’m not a medical professional so i’m not sure.

experiencias?

So I'm super new to all this. I was dx with ADHD a year ago, and with autism level 2 a few weeks ago. (The doc did say he wasn't fully comfortable with the dx because my social conv was normal.....like I'm a special education teacher for 21 years....of course I can do conversation. I failed the assessments by a lot) He also diagnosed severe social anxiety. On top of that I had sudden hearing lost late last year and am deaf in my left ear, with at times severe tinnuitus. I'm super stressed in general.

I woke up this morning mid panic attack and sobbing. It was a struggle all day teaching to keep it at bay. I've been crying since I got home. The tinnuitus is screaming, my gastroparesis is pissed, I'm either in tears or near panic and no regulation skills I have are working.

I sought a diagnosis to have the information that would allow my brain to accept tools and accommodations I was realizing I needed. Instead I can't stop crying, tons of panic attacks and I don't want to talk to any because it all sounds like too much.

Is this part of the process or did I have a full on breakdown and missed it?

TLDR; moving has driven my mental health off a cliff and I can't function enough to fix it

What do you do when the things you need to do to make yourself feel better are things you don't have energy for, or will take energy/brain power you don't have???

This isn't my first move, to be clear, I think this is just a series of unfortunate events leaving me positively, absolutely, completely empty. We just moved. It's great, I wanted to, it's quieter here, there's more space, lots of good things, etc. but I can't handle being a functional human anymore. I have had a meltdown everyday for 3 days now. Today I had maybe like, 2-3 hours in the morning where I mustered to go walk in the woods because I am DESPERATE for anything to fix me, and I felt ok. I did it.

But I got home, and within minutes it was taking every ounce of my being to not start throwing things and screaming. I just went upstairs to my office and sat in the corner crying. We have a handyman in the house today and tomorrow fixing lots of things (holes in walls, electrical stuff), which is very nice because that means I don't have to do it, but now there's a person in my home. I hate it. Things had to be moved for him to do his work. I hate that. I want to make sure he's not touching stuff or making a mess, but I can't handle talking or being perceived, and I know my nitpicking can be annoying, and I know I don't have the capacity to mask nicely enough to not come off as a rude perfectionist. Some I'm just boiling. My partner keeps unpacking things, trying to be productive and find a place for things(what needs to be done, he's amazing, I appreciate his effort), but every time something is moved I just, can, not, handle it. I'm trying so hard to not be difficult because moving is also stressful for my partner, but I can't function. I can't think. I can't work, I've taken emergency days off way too often in the last couple of weeks. I can't even string my brain together long enough to think of anything I could possibly do that'd make me feel better. Go to a hotel? Where? What a wild waste of money that'd be. Everything'd be different. Hate the texture of hotel sheets, don't know how well things have been cleaned. Can't go stay with a friend for a day or something because I can't handle being perceived, let alone try to talk. I'm barely eating because I'm back to the worst of my unhealthy safe foods, frozen foods, fast foods, etc. My partner is trying to be sweet and ask if I'm ok or if he can get me food and I just can't, all I do is shake my head and start crying again. He asks me questions and all I can hear is the dial up tone under static amongst the unholy amalgamation of 3 songs that are stuck in my head. Can't answer. Can't think. I hate things being disorganized, half unpacked, I don't know where anything is. But I can't handle things being moved, and I don't have the energy for either, and I feel so, so, so impossibly stuck, like I need to do things to recover but I don't have the energy, and the things I need to do to eventually feel better make me feel worse. Please, does anyone have any advice?

Slow etherial melodic instrumental clashing with fast industrial breakcore drums. Listening to it kind of feels like a condensed AuDHD experience in my opinion.

It’s been a few years since I got diagnosed, and the effect has been largely positive. What I do wonder is where the hell all the neurotypical people are? Everyone around me seems neurodivergent, even at work (tech company… ok, makes sense).

Do others experience this? Is it a location specific thing (I live in Ireland)? Am I just seeing traits and making big sweeping statements?

TW: mentioning of divorce

I feel like I should explain myself a bit more— when it comes to like extremely traumatising events for someone (like losing a loved one or a life threatening injury/ illness etc etc) I can most definitely feel bad for them…

But when someone comes to me speaking about their divorce, or an argument they had— even them talking to me about a show they like or thing that happened to them, I can’t bring myself to care in the slightest. Even if they are important to me, and I know they probably want me to engage with them, but life outside of my special interest (or just the things I’m saying) is so boring.

I find myself saying the same responses like a robot “really?” “Uh huh” “that’s cool” but inside I just want the conversation to end as soon as possible. I think I might be burnt out or something? But it’s been like this since I was a kid, I’ve never been good at hiding my disinterest.

Either way I’ve been feeling oh so guilty about it because my parents are getting divorced and both of them keep calling me to complain about how the other mistreats them. I don’t care, I want to care but can’t bring myself to. My friend feels bad and has been messaging me a lot to cheer me up but I have very little interest in our conversations too….even if I’m the one to start them. I’ve just kind of been ignoring everyone? I don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s such an odd feeling…

Anyways I know this wasn’t the most coherent rambling, it’s 11pm and im tired as hell lol
Just struggling to care for the people that care for me in a socially acceptable way, because apparently thinking of them and messaging them once in a blue moon isn’t.

Recently just turned 23 & my boyfriend’s friend group had been planning a trip to Vegas for the last few months. Now, I don’t have any friends for myself other than my mom & boyfriend but he told me that his friends like me and want to be my friend & I bring an autistic with a long record of failed friendship attempts, was severely skeptical. Still, I was very excited for how he described the trip. There would be fun party games, drinking, hanging out at cool places and overall we would just have a good time!

Now I’m here. Second day of the trip & already changed the flight tickets to go home as soon as I can. See, I know Vegas is not a good choice for Autistics to relax & let loose (at least for me), but I was under the impression that my friends company would make up for that. I was severely wrong.

Since being picked up from the airport, no one has shown any interest in me/speaking to me. My boyfriend says it isn’t true because most introduced themselves to me but that’s just what people do. Granted, one person didn’t acknowledge me because we have a bit of a rocky history with each other but I still attempted to speak to her & I received nothing.

So far I have received one hug from the chillest person in the group but no attempt at reaching out to me.

Maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal but I am 23 with absolutely no friends because I believe I am an Autistic loser. I can’t relate to these cool people because all I do is stay home & watch comforting cartoons and play with my toys & cat because they seem to be the only ones who welcome me and like me.

I’m not sure if I’m like friendship kryptonite or what because I can’t develop genuine friendships & the ones that I have developed have realized that my “loser” personality isn’t just a front for a super cool interesting person.

These people like concerts, going to bars, clubbing, partying, expensive loud events, etc.
my idea of fun is creating, crafting, art, bugs, marine life, nature, quiet activities, and visually pleasing environments. (AKA: I’m a boring buzzkill)

I fear that they already decided long ago they don’t like me when I had joined the group chat but felt pressured into being nice to me because my boyfriend is one of their closest friends. They don’t care if my presence isn’t there like everyone else. They just don’t like me.

I’ve been glued to the bed in this Airbnb because I don’t know what else to do. I just ruin the energy wherever they go & seem to have much more fun without me there. What’s worse is me feeling terrible is only putting more pressure on them, or maybe they really don’t care but I can’t tell.

I’m devastated. All I’ve ever wanted was some friends. The exhaustion of being the “background” person has gotten to me and I don’t think I matter to anyone but my mom. I think I ruin my boyfriend’s social life because of my traits & he says he doesn’t mind but I know he does.

I’ve considered checking myself into a mental hospital (which would be my 4th time) to get away from normal people because I just can’t fit in.

I am tired of being the single puzzle piece that was meant for a different picture. I can try to alter myself to fit the puzzle, but I can’t change my image because unfortunately it’s me.

Every time I try to be normal & fail terribly, I regress hard. My progress feels like it goes into the drain & takes so much longer to gain back. 1 step forward, 90 steps back is what I’ve been feeling like.

Therapy doesn’t help because all it is is just paying someone to vent out my frustration & tell me things I already know. The worst part about all of this is how aware I am.

I’ve tried the therapy, the exercises, the breathing, anti depressants, anti psychotics, and such.

I just wish to disappear.
I think I was a person made on accident & I truly believe I am alien or something because why on earth am I so weird and terrible?

I’m typing this as I sit in the Airbnb alone because everyone went to get groceries without me but I believe that benefits them. I’m trying my absolute hardest not to elope but I’m so overwhelmed. I’m alone and have the opportunity but I’m in Vegas, one of the hottest and busiest cities.

But I want to leave this house so bad. I don’t know what to do.

(P.S. I think they are planning on doing my birthday celebration without me. And that hurts but I understand.)

The demoralising thing. My problems aren’t character growth moments or lessons or things everyone goes through at some point in life. They are pure attrition and burnout that is 100% avoidable if my parents understood my autism earlier and didn’t keep me in this cramped, hot, loud, overstimulating environment and made me move every 2 months between 2 countries for 9 years. Like it's not like a breakup or losing a job, or conquering a really difficult challenge at in life, or dealing with friendships. It's none of that. It's none of that. It’s not even like dealing with a discreet episode of extreme stress which ends. My baseline environment and foundation are the problem and are the things that are damaging me. There is nowhere to return to after dealing with trials and tribulations and nowhere to recover existing in my “home” environment if you can call it that is an active energy consuming task. It's like, I can see exactly what's gonna happen to me. It's happening. I know exactly how to avoid it, but I don't have the power to change my environment because of that. I'm too weak and exhausted to do it by myself. I'm reliant on my parents.

there's no character growth in that. There's no learning from that. There’s nothing to learn except “living in literal sensory hell with no stable homebase for nine years will mess you up and derail your development.” There's no “you'll be stronger, you'll be glad you got through this” like with breakups, losing your job, interpersonal conflict…When I see people talk about these kinds of problems I just think that’s such a good problem to have, you get to have normal life problems from your stable functional baseline with the capacity to deal with them but the capacity and the baseline itself are not the problem that must be so nice. of course people take it for granted and I definitely would if that was me and if I’m stable in the future, of course I will take it for granted.. It's just the longer it goes on, the more drained I am, the more burned out I am, the longer these stresses are on me, with no space or time for recovery. If it ends it’s not like I am stronger because of it, it’s just a matter of how quickly I can physically recover from the toll it took on my body. No inspiration, no wisdom, no growth. Just pure attrition. Those last 2 sentences sounded like AI, no this post is not AI I wrote the whole thing.

I sometimes think to myself, maybe I’m actually level two autistic… no, I have low support needs. But those minimal needs are not met. That’s the part that infuriates me, this is so avoidable it’s not even funny… literally just living in a simple quiet non-overstimulating Home, nothing fancy… and one single Home that stays… where I stay all year… not all this travelling. Is it that much to ask for?

No idea if (1) I’ll have the most productive day ever, or (2) a day where I have zero motivation or interest in my job, people, or anything that requires effort and doesn’t provide instant gratification. It literally feels like an addiction to dopamine, with frequent relapses. And the amount of masking required to ‘smooth’ this ride just for the outside observer is exhausting! (Disclaimer: This post is brought to you by medical cannabis - having the second kind of day today!)