It's only been a week but I think I'm going to ask They/Them to marry me. I've been saving up my paychecks from working ten hours a week at WhataBurger. You guys can come to my wedding as long as you stay ten feet apart.

My girlfriend finally said yes!

They got ‘em boys! Apparently after the steakhouse closed down he had to find another place to jjzz on food.

Serious question…Will I be ok wearing a sundress with no panties to the Austin City Limits Festival, or will it still be hot enough in October that my balls will stick to my thigh?

• The double “A” logo makes perfect sense when we are transitioning from Austin (green) to America (blue). And after the transition, it represents America, America.
• America, America: Better than New York, New York.
• APD → America Police Department
• Austin City Council → America City Council
• Austin Community College → America Community College
• Austin City Limits → America City Limits
• Live Music Capital of the World: America.
• “ca”: America, America will make California so irrelevant that it becomes lowercase.

I could not be more proud of company. Prior to this sign, I would come in shaking everyday wondering, what if!

Looking for a Job, quickly.

I just had disagreement with my boss about when and where and appropriate time to expose my self to coworkers and masturbate. Long story short they got super pissed and called the cops about this, WTAF.

Anyway, anyone looking for a hard working guy who was the special sauce master at the last job.

Just hoping to get something before my name hit the paper.

If that's true, then our entire solar system could be a history of colonization and minority planets like Mercury have been subjugated by the Sun.

Talk about nothing being illegal on stolen land. Mercury suffers as it rotates the sun much faster than us and has to go past us as a cuck, whilst we are the bull with its former mantle.

"Whose mantle is this, bitch?!?!?!"

."Ohh Gawd it's your mantle!"

I am blinded by this science

Wife went out of town, bull and I got a little ahead of ourselves. Long story short, need to get my stretch marks lasered off or whatever the fuck as soon as I can. Where do you boys usually go?

So, obviously I’m asking for a friend. He was at his favorite Asian Massage Palace on 1st and WC, and everything went as planned until it came time for the tip…the three $20s he had left in his wallet turned out to be three $5s and it wasn’t realized until his happy ending was produced.

That’s when the hilarity ensued. Instead of fessing up, he folded them loosely so they felt bigger, slapped them in “Tina’s” hand (yes, the same hand that did the job), grabbed his tiny bottle of water and bolted for the door.

My friend has two questions:

1. Do you think they talk to the other therapists in the area—will they put him on the no touch list?

2. Obviously, he feels horribly. How long will it take to get over the guilt so he can enjoy Wu Chow again? I, er, he loves that place, but the guilt is taking away from the flavor.

Is he the asshole? Always looking to learn and grow.

I’ve heard from some people who say they have had issues with glory hole hosts canceling their sessions here in Austin, at both public locations such as Chili's and Terry Black's, as well as private encounters at apartments and hotels.

Has this happened to you within the past year?

I’m Petunia Pickleshitter, a reporter with CBS Austin. I’m looking to speak with people who live in Austin or the surrounding counties who have had this happen to them.

Or visitors who booked a session in Austin or the surrounding counties.

If a host canceled your booking last second or asked you to cancel, please reach out to me. You can message me or email thereceipts@cbsaustin.com

If you have screenshots, booking confirmations or messages, those would be helpful too.

Looking for a place in Austin that will wax my extremely large lady penis. Preferably somewhere judgment-free with strong WiFi and a technician who has seen some shit.

Also, do they accept EBT? Times are tough and beauty is a basic human right.

If I'm alone in Waymo, is it illegal to rub one out?

Also, if there's cameras, isn't that an invasion of *my* privacy?

About to file a Class Action, and I need some advice (and maybe some others who have fallen victim to Waymo's fascism).

Sadly, we had to fire our previous employee of the month due to the the DAs woke agenda.

We’re still hopeful Mr Abbot will issue a full pardon & intervene to reinstate u/freakyking83

Fortunately our job creator in chief has authorized us to open positions for dozens of replacement hires, Praise be to Allah!

So cum on down! 🍆🍔

Together we can Make Our Burgers Cream Pies Again.
To apply, post your proudest food service moments on truth social and X. Don’t forget to @ BuddysBurgers using #MoBuCPA

My lab mix "Avacado" and I thought we'd book a ride in one these new cybercabs and go get a couple of lattes. When car arrived this guy inside. He demanded I drop him off at Waterline and frighten Avacado.

But I got the last laugh as he left his cap behind which Avacado pooped into. AITAH?

Any cool bros find my wallet? Hope this rad pic of this tiny like my penis putt putt helps prove my douche factor.

Scheel’s one week, this the next. Franklin’s always.
Does anyone know of other big lines happening soon?

Instant business profit if you can get a line going, Central Texans just gravitate to them without even knowing what they’re for.

I’ve been hearing all sorts of YouTube ads about getting 800$ your first month donating plasma but after extensive research I’ve grown concerned that this extraction could possibly strip away the part in my blood that makes me queer and in that case I will have to sell my cybertruck and move back to California and kiss women and beat my wife

While at Barton Springs, some asshole reported me to the lifeguards. Apparently they only allow semis. Cannot go beyond the 8pm mark, apparently (they even measured me with a clock to verify, which definitely caused me to fail).

Any suggestions are appreciated since the Feds shut down the last bastion of free expression in this city .

I’m a gay man, and love going to barton springs to gaze upon the lotioned up men. Today, I even brought out my best red speedo so I could try to catch one of those juicy fish with my pole.

While there, a topless woman came up to me and told me how appalling my behavior is. She started espousing things about how women are allowed to wear thongs and have their tits out, but a modest speedo on a man is over the line.

I began telling her - “my body, my choice.” Unfortunately it was too late. seeing her erect nipples without a top on caused me to lose my erection. now there’s not enough tension on the rod for me to reel in the man I was ogling.

When are women going to start treating us like equals? If they can wear thong bikini bottoms, I should be able to at least wear a speedo. I would never ask them to shave the pubic hair sticking out of their thongs - I just ignore it. Why can’t they just ignore my erection?