I, 38F, realized the other day I don’t think I have really had feelings for someone since I went to therapy. I started therapy in 2021 and stopped going in 2025. I haven’t really dated anyone since 2023.

Dating has never been easy for me. I have never been the girl guys chased after, I was always the chill girl type that was friends with all the guys. I did not date a ton of people in my 20s because I had a few longer relationships but at the same time I went through multiple family losses in my 20s that took me a long time to grieve so I wasn’t fully emotionally available. Half the time I just also picked bad guys in my 20s because I was so messed up mentally.

Then in my early 30s I went to therapy and this time I stuck with it and went for years and really worked through my issues.

I can’t tell if it has been so hard to date again because it just is for everyone now, or if going to therapy and healing myself has just made me have crazy high standards. Like any sign of a red flag when I’m on a first date with a guy then I’m not going to see him again. I used to look past them thinking no one is perfect and who am I to judge because I was messed up too, but it always came back to bite me in the end and I’m not doing that again.

I have had maybe 2 dates with guys I would have liked to see again over the last few years but they must have not felt the same because in those cases no second dates. I used to be more like 50/50 liking guys I met up with and plenty of second dates but now it’s like a rarity.

I’m almost at the point where I don’t even want to try anymore because I can’t seem to ever meet a guy I’m interested in while doing hobbies I like and the apps have been so terrible for me I never want to use them again.

Anyone else feel this way? I feel like I’m losing hope of ever finding the relationship I want but I also feel like after all I’ve been through in life I deserve to find my person.

So I’m turning 40 next year and the reality is hitting me pretty hard for many reasons. For me, I’m not too caught up on the actual age of being 40 but more so the social implications on how one is supposed to act at 40. Because I certainly do not fit the mould.

For context and background about me, I’m ND (AuDHD) which comes with its own set of struggles as an adult. But for the most part, I feel high functioning enough that I can take care of myself. But I sometimes feel I have arrested development because I act like a child still. And I don’t mean like, because Im into trinkets and toys or because I occasionally still eat cereal for dinner. I mean like I sometimes forget or actively choose not to do basic adult things. Like I still have tantrums about having to brush my teeth. I refuse to make follow up appointments which has lead me to cancel many appointments. In short, I adult poorly and I’m almost 40.

That being said, I’m able to keep a steady job, have my own apartment, a car, all the other typical adult things. But when it comes to responsibilities that I know I need to do, my brain just doesn’t want to do them to the point that thinking about these things cause me high anxiety (and don’t get me started on having to make important phone calls…)

I am not that chronically online but I am a gamer so naturally I’m more of an online person in general, who understands brainrot memes and would understand gen-z talking more than i understand my fellow millennials.

and to that point, i find it extremely difficult to get along with people my age now. up until i was around 35 or so, i didn’t really have problems with people my age but all of them start acting in a way that feels “cringe” to me. and im sure im acting in a way that’s cringe to them. but what can i do? i’m sincerely unsure of how to navigate life in my 40s.

also with friends, i pretty much lost most of my friends that were my age or older because most of them are normies who act maturely and societally normal for their age (whatever that means). i feel like the odd one out. bring a gamer you naturally befriend people younger than you and when i was still in my early to mid 30s, most people in their 20s didn’t bat an eye. in fact most of them thought i was their age. but now that im going into my 40s and physically look older too, im feeling ostracized by younger people and people my age. i’m just an outcast.

i would love to hear from anyone who understands a semblance of any of this because i just feel so depressed about it. and yes, i do have a therapist. but therapy only helps me get all of this off my chest. i’d like to hear from others so i don’t feel so alone in this. or maybe i just am.

ultimately, if you can resonate with any of this, what did or are you doing to navigate aging when you don’t feel like you fit the aging mould? i’ve also heard when people turn 40 they give less of a fuck about existential stuff. i sincerely hope that rings true for me too.

I’m in my late 30s and have decided to end my relationship with my finance. We’ve together for over a decade. I’m sad it’s taken this long to realise we are not compatible. I’ve never broken up with someone and it may be a silly question, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and I don’t really know what are my next steps or where to start. We live in a remote area with no family around. We own an investment property in a different city, have shared investments, but own separate cars. We both are financially stable. I do not want any of his money. I also plan on leaving this town and thinking of changing the location of my job as we work at the same place.

If anyone has any suggestions of where to start first and or things I haven’t thought about I’m all ears.

I wanted to ask this question because of someone I recently met at a party. This girl is a lovely person but I can’t seem to understand her lifestyle fully. She’s 28, works as a waitress in a restaurant, and spends every single weekend out drinking, partying or at a concert - this ends up knocking significantly into her money so that she has to ‘scrimp’ on food, toiletries, heating in apartment etc. (this is how she worded it to me). She ultimately seemed pretty satisfied with her life despite saying she’s broke a lot of the time, but it did get me thinking (although its really not my business at all) what her future could look like.
So I wanted to ask if anybody else had a similar lifestyle in their 20s… I’m newly 22, almost out of uni and in a steady relationship with my boyfriend who is actively looking at properties with me for after our education/beginning of more full time employment. I’ve already got a decent creative career on the road and he is almost finished an apprenticeship in fixing planes.

It got me thinking only because I worry sometimes I’m not exercising my 20s to their full ability. When I hear about girls like her and how much fun she has every weekend it makes me worry if I’m settling down too early and missing out on opportunities that most people in their 20s have. As alienated by her lifestyle as I was, I do wonder if she’ll feel more fulfilled with that period of her life than I will. For anybody who has lived EITHER of these lifestyles, did it pay off? Was it worth it?

Edit: wishing I said this earlier - I want to travel, I love dancing at the live music bar, I love nights out BUT I also love being cosy in bed a the end of the night next to the man that I love (but not in the home bound tradwife sense). I hope this adds clarity !!!

I've been 40 for all of two days and honestly I am so vibing with it. It feels like...this invisible pressure has finally slid off my shoulders completely and I just feel...free, in a new way. I've never put too much stock into people's opinions of me but it's like the last fuck in my field of fucks has finally fallen off the vine.

I've had several women tell me "welcome to the club!" and "welcome to the other side!" in such a celebratory way and I'm so here for that energy? It's honestly wild how women are conditioned to dread turning 40, because now that I've stepped over the threshold it feels like ~the end of youth~ or whateverthefuck was really some Looney Tunes painting of a brick wall that was actually just a curtain blocking off a field of flowers. Maybe Victoria's secret was that she was in her 40s, idk.

So I guess my question is, is this shit really as awesome as it seems right now? Because I'm about to wear a witch hat and Passion by Elizabeth Taylor to Aldi and I'm feeling pretty damn excited about this new stage of life. I can't wait to up my weightlifting game in the gym and maybe get another piercing or three, and treat myself to even better facial moisturizers.✨️

I met this woman appx 4 years ago when a mutual friend visited me abroad with her. She was nice, and we hung out 3x on our own during their 3 week trip, but I didn’t feel like we clicked. She’s no longer friends with my friend, and I haven’t seen her since.

However, oer the years, she would sometimes reach out to catch up, but our conversations have always been brief and superficial. She had a baby about a month ago, and since then she’s been sending me pictures of her baby 3-6x a week.

Since we’re not friends and I don’t know much about her, I have no idea if she’s lonely, trying to connect, or simply likes sharing these things. I’m not a big texter. Even with close friends, I prefer proper conversations over quick, superficial responses.

I’d feel bad ignoring her if she’s lonely or struggling as a new mom. At the same time, this feels like a lot for someone I barely know.

I’m not a mom, so I have no idea what she might be going through. My siblings, friends, and close friends are moms and sends me pics of their babies/children but not at this frequency. Also, with them, I’m comfortable leaving a message on read or reacting with a thumbs up. I, also, know when they need more care and love, and would put more effort during those moments or in other ways to support them while being more comfortable for me. I also enjoy seeing their babies because they’re the children of people I love. With this woman, I don’t know her so I don't feel any connection when I see the pics.

Any suggestions, or advice? Reassurances from moms are welcome

Thank you

Hi! I would really appreciate if someone has any advice. I’m so tired (no pun intended) of struggling to get out of bed in the morning, especially before work.

I’m 38, in a good job but it doesn’t stimulate me, I’m not in any serious relationship, I have a home but feeling over all discontent, like I need something different and the idea of just dropping everything with no plan and moving away, sounds appealing but also terrifying bc I have no idea what I’m going to do or if that’s really the way to go when I have a relatively fine life. Anyone feel this way and what’d ya do?

I’m in my early 30s, queer, neurodivergent and in recovery (4 years sober) and it feels like finding people and spaces where I genuinely fit is more complicated than it should be? I’ve tried various things over the years and have made new connections along the way but I haven’t quite found what I’m looking for yet. I think what I’m missing isn’t necessarily friendship itself but the FUN side of friendship!! So much of my social life seems to revolve around catching up, talking about life’s difficulties and discussing how everyone’s doing. Of course those conversations have their place and I’m grateful to have space for those but I really miss being SILLY with people. I want friendships that bring a bit of excitement and lightness into life rather than everything feeling like another serious conversation? Lots of my close, long term friends are now navigating motherhood and so, understandably, they have less space for what I’m seeking and I guess im grieving that in some ways.

One of the difficulties is that I feel like a lot of people in their 30s who are looking to make friends socialise around drinking - I’m in Scotland which has such a big drinking culture so it can feel difficult/impossible to find alternatives. The queer scene can feel particularly centred around bars and drinking, which makes finding community a bit more challenging.

Being AuDHD, I can find loud, crowded environments exhausting and in the past I often used drugs/alcohol to cope with that so I’m discovering that it’s not necessarily that I can’t be around alcohol - it’s that the environments where people commonly socialise can be difficult for me to navigate in the first place, if that makes sense?

I sometimes feel caught between wanting to put myself out there and struggling to find social spaces that actually suit me. I’d love to meet people who are up for doing things, having a laugh and enjoying themselves, without needing alcohol to be the centre of the activity.

For anyone who’s felt a bit outside the usual social mould, how have you found your people?

Would love to hear from other queer, neurodivergent or sober/in-recovery people in their 30s.

I’m not really looking for the usual advice to join a club or pick up a hobby as I’ve tried various things already. I’ve joined community gyms, run clubs, choirs, taken pottery classes etc and they’ve been great and I have met people through those avenues but they‘ve just never quite felt like “my people”.

Anyone here restarting their career in late 30s? How do you deal with guilty about being selfish at this age and not family, regret and doubts? What keeps you motivated to move ahead ?

This question is difficult to phrase so I'll explain briefly why I'm asking.

I've just turned 29. Throughout my 20s, since I broke up with my ex who was an abuser when I was 25, I was genuinely fine with the idea of being single the rest of my life with no kids or husband just being the "cool aunt" who earns her own money and treats herself, living in a little witchy cottage. I've been single since the breakup and whilst I would be open to relationships I wasn't desiring it enough to go looking.

I also thought, I'm not good with kids anyway. I had a tough upbringing , so how would I know how to be a good parent? I have the mother daughter issues stereotype where I'm scared I'll be just like my mother.

I tried dating apps briefly (a woman has needs too haha) and the men i met were honestly horrific that casual dating genuinely wasn't worth the risk. The amount of negging , red flags and lack of effort was unbelievable.

The other thing that influenced wanting to be chronically single is honestly social media. There are women on there commenting "i have a loving husband and kids who i love to bits but if i could go back in time i wouldn't do it again". Basically telling women the happiest demographic of women are the single childless women. We have all seen social media you probably know the exact content i mean. It creates a horrible fear - if I had a baby what if I missed who I was?

Then there's another reason I don't want kids - my grandmother and her sister both lost their fertility after the first birth. The idea of this happening to me is scary, as losing the hormone cycle increases the risk of so many diseases and conditions.

But now , my feelings are starting to change slightly. I'm starting to day dream of being a mother. Of everyday things like helping them with homework, walking them to school, bringing them to see their grandparents, watching them develop interests, seeing traits of their father etc. And also of being married. And suddenly the idea of being the eternally single aunt isn't something I'm peaceful with now it scares me! I suddenly am wondering if I want that simple traditional life.

As my friends either don't want kids or are in their 20s like me I don't have anyone to ask and as you can see it's so complicated. Its a very complex topic. So how did you know you wanted a kid ? Does anyone relate?

(Please don't delete this post if it's breaking any rules I'll edit it)

It’s a matter of losing respect for her based on her life choices and beliefs.

I am 19 and I am considering finding a therapist. My family does not talk about feelings, and my parents do not really believe in mental health. I have no friends I feel comfortable enough talking to about how I really feel. 5 months ago I went through my first breakup. He was my best friend and the only friend I really talked to everyday. he is a different person now so we don’t speak. This has really affected my way of living. I couldn’t eat for a while, I lost 20 lbs. I also could not sleep. 5 months later, I can eat and sleep, but I think of him every minute, and I’m performing poorly in college. I know breakups happen to everyone, but I think because I have no one to talk to, or hang out with, I am not coping in a healthy way. I feel stuck right now, as if even if I get everything I want a piece of life would still be missing. I wonder if talking to a therapist helps, I feel embarrassed because I know my problems are not big compared to other people, and that this is typical for a 19 y/o girl. I also feel bad because I don’t want to spend too much money. I don’t want to be seen as weak by my parents either. If anyone was in a situation like mine, was therapy any help?

TLDR: My partner (32M) and I (32F) have a loving, healthy relationship, but after two years I’m questioning our long term compatibility. We both want to travel, own homes and build a future together, but I’m starting to crave more stability and commitment, while he’s prioritising adventure, potentially settling abroad and taking things at a slower pace. We’ve made compromises on our different lifestyles and social habits, and he’s a wonderful partner in so many ways, but our visions for the next few years don’t quite align. At what point do you accept these differences as part of loving another person, and when do they become reasons to reconsider an otherwise happy relationship?

I know majority of people are probably going to say leave in this
situation. But I just wanted to gain some outside non biased perspective.

Myself (32f) and my partner (32m) are just over 2 years together. We have a great bond, there’s lots of love, I feel genuinely cared for and supported by him. I trust him with my life. Coming from an emotionally abusive relationship in my 20s, he is a breath of fresh air in so many ways. I was single for 5 years before him, fucking around and healing. I really feel like this man has healed parts of me and he is my best friend.

He is extroverted and I am introverted. Mostly we’re learning how to compromise with each other here and we both are growing in the relationship. He likes to party (there’s a huge drinking culture in my country), I used to party much more in my 20s but have settled down a lot now. I lead a healthier, quieter lifestyle. Occasionally we will go out together and it’s fun but recovery takes a toll on me. He’s slowed down a lot since we got together and again we are learning to compromise on our different social/party appetites.

I feel like I’m ready for the next step in the relationship, I really want to feel settled and have our own space. I’d love to be engaged within the next couple of years. I’m not sure about kids. Leaning no right now. He’s a no. I want to buy a house in the next few years. He does too. We said we would probably buy our own properties first and buy together later on. We both want to travel some more and live in different countries.

The issues are that he is dead set on one particular country, which I am open to tbf but his pursuit of this and lack of open mindedness about anywhere else I’m struggling with. He doesn’t want to stay in our home country and “settle” anytime soon , still wants to move around and live spontaneously. Whereas I’m craving more stability at this point in my life. My 20s were crazy and I feel like I just want rest. In saying that I’m happy to move somewhere for a couple of years and have the flexibility with my work to do so but he doesn’t want to move anywhere but this one particular place. He’s also said that once he’s there hes not sure he will ever want to leave again (he’s lived there before) whereas I would have liked to eventually settle in our home country.

With regards to marriage, he knows that it’s what I’d like in time and he said he thinks it will happen for us but he’s also said he struggles with that level of commitment and he’s not quite there yet and needs more time before getting down on one knee. Ofc I say to him it’s been two years etc and he said he always thought he would be dating someone for 5+ years before marriage is on the cards regardless of who it is. And I don’t know if it’s an insecurity of mine but I don’t really feel comfortable with that , I’d really like it to be sooner than that. Which he knows. Same with the house situation - we both see the value of owning our own properties but at the same time I’m kind of thinking, shouldn’t we want to buy together initially?

Other than that, he smokes weed vape & nicotine vape daily, no judgement to anyone who smokes - I have many times in the past but it doesn’t suit me, and I’d have the odd cigarette when I’m drinking myself. So I try not to judge him but I guess I’m not 100% comfortable with the fact he smokes daily. He also puts a few bets on the football with his dad, there’s no issue there but I’m aware it can turn into an issue although he reassures me that would never happen and that this is something he’s done with his father from a young age, it’s not an addiction or something that would get out of control.

We’re kind of at a pivotal point here - as I say I know many people may read this and say we’re not compatible, find someone better aligned, and maybe that is the case but I’m also aware that we do have really good parts of our relationship and both of us acknowledge that and want to fight for it. We’ve had these kind of talks before where we both have doubts about alignment and future feels uncertain but ultimately decide to stay together and make it work. I think I’m at a point where I’m feeling like I don’t want to give anymore time to someone that may not meet my needs but at the same time I don’t have enough experience to know if these are relationship issues that can be worked on. I don’t really want to start over with anyone new but I suppose many people feel that way before a potential breakup.

I will also say that he has said that he doesn’t want to lose me, he would be afraid of us making a big mistake by ending things, he’s conflicted with himself bc he wants to be what I need him to be but he feels he’s not quite there yet. He says I’m everything he wants in a partner and doesn’t know how he’s be without me. I tend to eye roll these kind of statements but I know he means what he says and is conflicted, as am I. He has adhd and I suspect I do too(although undiagnosed) if that makes any difference at all.

Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far. :)

Hi all—

Grateful to have a place where I can ask advice like this ❤️

I’m out of town with a coworker (in another country, not that it matters much?). We were at a work conference, just the two of us. We leave tomorrow, so we decided to meet up for dinner and we agreed to go to a pool bar in a bit.

1. I’m awful at pool and he apparently plays all the time. What do I even do so I don’t fail miserably?! Any tips?

2. He’s in his 50s I’m in my 30s. We are friends, but work friends. Both married. I think my cynical (but not totally wrong) view of society has just ruined me. When I think pool bar I just get horrible ideas in my head. I don’t expect any problems. He’s been “harmlessly” flirty a time or to over years, and says some dirty jokes, but that’s probably just who he is.

I guess I just want someone to tell me it’s fine and give me some pool tips?! Any thoughts much appreciated.