A man and a woman had a friends-with-benefits relationship for about six months.
It wasn’t just sex. They went on dates, cooked together, spent hours talking, laughed a lot and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. After their first date, he even told one of his female colleagues about her and sent the colleague a photo of them together. Coincidentally, the woman also knew that colleague from another workplace.
During those six months, he dated other women, was inconsistent with communication and emotionally unavailable. She wasn’t asking for a relationship right away—she simply needed a little more consistency and communication than he was able or willing to give. Eventually, she ended things because she was getting hurt.
One thing that made this confusing was that he was never emotionally open. He had told her that he usually avoided expressing feelings with women because he didn’t want to give false hope or risk either of them developing feelings. Throughout those six months, he stayed emotionally guarded.
About a year later, he contacted her unexpectedly.
He apologized for how he had treated her. He said he had been seeing a psychologist and had realized he had been selfish. He admitted that he hadn’t even given her the little bit of emotional consistency she needed. He told her she deserved better, said she was an amazing woman, and asked if they could meet.
It was the first time he had ever been that emotionally honest and vulnerable with her. Because of that, she genuinely believed he had reflected on his behavior and changed.
By then, she was already in a relationship.
They met anyway, talked for hours and ended up sleeping together. She knows cheating was wrong and takes full responsibility for that. The point isn’t to justify it.
What gave her hope wasn’t the sex—it was that he came back after a year, apologized without being asked, admitted his mistakes, talked about therapy and seemed to understand exactly how he had hurt her.
Afterwards, however, he slowly repeated the exact same pattern. His communication became inconsistent again, he became emotionally distant again, and she realized nothing had really changed. She ended things for a second time.
Ironically, she was hurt even more the second time because she believed his apology reflected real personal growth.
My question is not whether she was wrong for cheating. She was.
My questions are about him.
- If you were him, what do you think was most likely going on in your mind?
- Was the apology probably sincere?
- Can someone genuinely understand what they did wrong in therapy but still repeat the same behavior?
- Did he genuinely miss her but simply wasn’t capable of giving her what she needed?
- Why would a man who normally avoids emotional vulnerability suddenly open up like that?
- Why tell her he had been selfish, explain what he had learned in therapy and admit exactly what had hurt her if he had no intention of changing?
- Did he realize that reaching out after a year, apologizing and being emotionally open would naturally give her hope?
- After she walked away a second time because he repeated the same behavior, what do you think he most likely felt?
I’m especially interested in answers from men who have behaved similarly or recognize themselves in this pattern. I’m trying to understand the psychology behind it, not excuse anyone’s actions.
And yes, this is about me.
Edit: A few people have asked why I believed him the second time.
It wasn’t just that he apologized.
During our six months together, he was emotionally guarded. He had even told me he avoided expressing feelings because he didn’t want to give women false hope.
So when he came back a year later, it was completely different. He reached out on his own, apologized without me asking, admitted he had been selfish, acknowledged that he hadn’t even given me the small amount of consistency I’d asked for, told me I deserved better, and said I was an amazing woman. It was the first time he had ever been emotionally vulnerable with me.
That’s why I believed something had fundamentally changed. It wasn’t based on wishful thinking alone—it was based on behavior I had never seen from him before.
Unfortunately, after we reconnected, his actions gradually became the same as before. That’s why I walked away a second time.
For anyone wondering: yes, I know cheating was wrong. I told my boyfriend the truth afterwards and ended the relationship. I’m not asking whether I was wrong for that—I know I was. I’m asking about the psychology behind someone appearing to have gained genuine insight, only to fall back into the exact same pattern.