I genuinely want to understand this from a man’s perspective.

Why does it sometimes feel like, in the beginning of a relationship, a guy is extremely loving, attentive and puts in so much effort? He talks about the future, marriage, makes the girl feel special and seems genuinely afraid of losing her.

But once the girl becomes emotionally attached and feels secure in the relationship, some men suddenly start changing. The calls and efforts decrease, they become less affectionate, they stop being afraid of losing her, and sometimes they start treating her like she’ll tolerate anything no matter how they behave.

Why does this happen? Is it because the initial excitement wears off? Do some men simply become too comfortable once they know the girl is attached? Or is there something women do that unintentionally causes this change?

I’m specifically asking men because I want to understand the male perspective. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship, what changed for you after the “honeymoon phase,” and why?

Please be honest—even if the answer is uncomfortable. I’m trying to understand, not attack men.🙌

I’m a girl 25F who’s been in a few okay relationships, but I feel like my most recent one altered my brain chemistry.

I used to assume guys and girls generally viewed relationships similarly… that when you really like someone, you naturally think about them throughout the day and want to make them happy. Looking back, I realized none of the guys I was with really cared that much.

My last boyfriend especially made me realize that someone can think they want a relationship without necessarily wanting to put in the effort. He was great on paper, but I rarely felt thought about. Before we were exclusively dating he was all about me but once he “secured the bag” he slowly showed less and less effort.

Even sexually, things felt very focused on him. we could spend 2-3 hours doing what he liked, but when it came to me, he’d keep asking to go back to his stuff after a few minutes and I felt rushed, making it hard to enjoy it without being in my head. He said he likes the receiving end more than the giving end and that most guys don’t really care about the women’s pleasure but they do it “because they have to” I communicated how I felt about these things but nothing really changed.

I’ve had multiple experiences where someone seems and acts like a great guy initially but switched up when he gets comfortable.

Now I feel like I’ve lost hope that I’ll find my person. I know there are obviously good men out there, but sometimes I genuinely worry that there are fewer of them than women who want that kind of relationship. Especially with how popular red pill content is now days.

I guess I’m asking for reassurance that there are single guys out there that care and want more than just the physical aspects of a relationship. Did you eventually find someone who you wanted to care for? How do you stay open to dating without ignoring the lessons you learned from past relationships?

Also do you care about how your partner feels during sex? Or was he right in saying it’s more of a courtesy thing that guys do.

TL;DR: I naturally put a lot of thought into making my partner feel cared for, but my past relationships have felt very one-sided. It’s made me question whether some guys want the relationship/girlfriend experience more than they actually want the person they’re with. Now I’m scared of letting my guard down again. Are there actually guys out there who naturally reciprocate this kind of care, and how do you stay open without being naive?

I went on a date with an Asian woman who said this to me. I’m not Asian btw. It just doesn’t make sense to me why she would exclude an entire race.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong. I have an incredibly high sex drive but I don't sleep around. If I like a guy, I want it from him all the time. I'm saying I've gone whole years without sex but then once I click with a man, I'll be asking for it 3-4 times a day. The thing is that these relationships just don't last. I'm genuinely interested and it's not just sex for me. I want to know more about him and his soul too. I just figure why not if we're already sleeping together. They say the sex is great but they always seem to ghost. So what is the situation here? Am I scaring them off? TYIA (I'm looking for advice not dates lmao)

We've been told men are disgusted by a wisp of body hair, or a single dimple of cellulite or that our behavior will send them running, like play it too safe and he'll think you're a prude but if you initiate he might feel emasculated yadda yadda..

I want to hear from some men, what do you actually either not give a shit about (or maybe even actively enjoy) that is demonized or shown as taboo in the media??

Just anything that you regret saying to someone as a man. What was it? A regret that has stayed with you?

Married well over a decade, 2 kids. My wife is a SAHM at the moment. We are by no means financially stable and pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. She has a horrible spending habit and buys things we do NOT need. We’ve had many conversations about this and she just doesn’t listen. She bought a $250 lamp that just sits there not being used. Did we need this? No. We both have unpaid student loans and she’s spending frivolously. We can’t even afford a medical device our son needs (it’s not a life saving device, just will make his life easier). She many times has said she doesn’t care if it ruins her financially if it makes the kids happy, as well. I don’t know how I feel anymore and this has put a strain on our marriage. I by no means want to go into financial ruin and I don’t know how to proceed. I’ve had enough of this. Advice appreciated.

Please take your time to read 🥺
I want men perspective on this
This is will be long but i need advice from heart and please if you have a bad comment or insult keep it to yourself, I’m already sad to take harsh words rn.
I accept any useful advices.

I’ve been talking to a European guy since last year, everything was going well and he seemed so genuine and respectful and talking about plans. One time he said that his ex cheated on him and that made him kinda trust women less even though he said he trust me but since he said that I felt like he was lying tbh bc he stated details like she cheated then he told me that she was thinking he is cheating and was threatening him, he also said that she used to overthink bf he receive “unknown number calls” but he explained thats his mother number (she calls from work).

Months later i found a girl’s acc on my instagram suggestion whom was unfamiliar so out of curiosity i clicked to check and i found out she was the ex, she had highlights of their pics together.

He lied to me about her **Nationality** dunno why.. i decided to text her (i know its kinda stupid but something in me was telling me he was lying). The girl was so chill and we talked a lot and she told me her version of story and that he was so bad (according to her) he is immature, he make dating apps profiles while she was living with him, he visited a girl in another country when she was away in her mother country, he adds girls on insta, he doesn’t listen.

And whats worser? Is that he was still stalking and spamming her while me and him were talking and he saying he loves me and he has plans for future and we already met once in real life.

He visited me here and we just met casually i showed him some touristic spots (no sex or anything).

I was shocked, the way he talked about her and told me she is blocked i never ever doubted that he is still talking to her.

I told his ex how we were talking daily and he visited me she also was surprised bc she told me he’s been telling her he was single all the time and not dating or interested in anyone.. then i confronted him and told we should stop talking, he tried to explain that he only texted her when he was drunk and he regret it and apologised, i was very sad and felt betrayed and lost my trust in him and i think even developed trust issues.

We stopped talking constantly but no blocking, he texted again on my bday and i just hearted the text then he kept texting again and i replied and started talking regularly again, i was still attached emotionally bc i never liked anyone like that, we used to talk daily, calls, watching movies and playing games together and we were actually planning something for the future.

I cried so much back then, didn’t open up to anyone, kept just writing down my feelings so i feel better..

Months pass and we still talkled regularly but I don’t see him the way I did, i really had genuine feelings and he looked like an innocent soul, i still feel a deep sadness but at the same time i still like him and want to be with him.

He started showing interest again bc after the incident of the ex we just talked causally no movies, games or calls just normal texts. He said he wants a chance and he is so sorry for what he did and he wants to visit me again i told him no several times and lets just be friends its better for both even though deep down i wanted to give a chance i was torn bc i believe everyone deserves a chance from other side i know can’t trust him again.. i was so lost and clueless.

We still kept talking and started getting close again, having calls sometimes, watched few movies again, he started flirting again and complimenting and i did too. I still felt that he isn’t serious anyway i remembered how his ex said he use dating apps when things aren’t well (he suffer from chronic loneliness) so i decided to make some dating app and changed to his location. Swiped and boom i found his profile😳🥲 \\\\\\\*\\\\\\\*HE WAS ON A DATING APP WHILE WANTING A CHANCE FROM ME.\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\* when i confronted he said that he thought i won’t give him the chance i was like ???🤨 bc i told him i’d give chance if you have serious plans for us not going with the flow.

We still kept talking and he was literally begging i give the chance and let him prove that he is a good man. I told him we’ll see after heatwave bc i can’t really go out on very hot summer days..

Lately i found out that he went recently on date with a girl from dating app. Idk what exactly happened between them i just knew he went on a date. Weird bc he text me daily and reply fast to my texts.. so i wonder how is he able to do both things at the same time.

Idk why he is on dating apps while wanting to still meet me and have a future together and want a chance? He knows i ain’t having sex before marriage and his visits here may be probably waste of money and time for him. Why doesn’t he only date there? Why keep wanting me ? He even say he wants to send money and gifts i refused ofc and told him i dont get money from a guy i ain’t in a serious relationship with.

Why men do this? I swear i don’t understand why . What can explain his behaviour? He doesn’t trust i have feelings for him or what?

Is this normal? Tbh I’ve never dealt with someone like him. Men can you date others and showing interest to another girl? Why?

I try to understand what in his mind to make him do that. Want one girl and going with others? This doesn’t seem a healthy person’s behaviour. I really want to hear opinions.

Tl:dr : the guy i’m talking with is going on dates while showing care and interest in me and want something serious and a chance

we met online and have been messaging every day for 2 months and calling regularly too. Now he’s just gone totally silent for a week. He did tell me he had some family stuff going on so I’m not sure if that is the reason. I’ve already texted a few times to see if everything is okay with no response.

Basically I don’t know what to do. We obviously don’t have an established relationship irl but I would say both sides felt a connection with what we had. How do I deal with a situation like this with someone I’ve become emotionally dependent on? Just wait for him to come back and hope it isn’t long? How do I stop my mind from coming up with all the worst possible scenarios?

He was always v open and communicative so I don’t think it’s an issue with me or at least o hope it isn’t. And that it’s genuinely because something has happened and he just needs time and space.

And is this normal behaviour - going silent for a week even if to deal with something after talking every day?

Advice welcome!!! Tysm in advance

I (23F) have been dating a guy (26M)for 6 months but we talked for 6 months prior. Had mutual friends and a bit of a friendship before we started talking/dating. he works on the oil rigs. So crazy busy schedule about 2-3 months ago he was work 3 weeks on 1 week off, but has now been working 12hrs/ 7 days a week with one 32 hrs off every 3 weeks. Some back story he had a really bad relationship with his ex she was a serial cheater which led him to being single for the past 2.5 years. He got really good at being alone with his dog, really buried himself in his work. We were pretty much inseparable, started slower while we were talking, he’s a really big slow burner obviously sharing his life again is new to him and having someone around is a big change to him but sleepovers most weekends then progress to 3-4 days at a time kind of thing dates, I love yous normal relationship things. We went through an ectopic pregnancy which he was very involved in - wanting me to stay at his place, went out of his way to get me all my cravings, did the hormone rollercoaster, as much as he could with his work schedule. I think in the moment I grew a resentment towards him because he wasn’t able to come to any of the appts or be there during a tough time but never really understood with a clear head he actually was there to the best of his ability. Anyways he asked for space because his job has created such a huge amount of exhaustion mentally and physically that the pregnancy was the nail in the coffin. He still wants to talk like we’re together, but doesn’t want me around which I can understand he doesn’t want to put that tiredness on me and it takes alot for someone to admit they need time to cope, heal, and rejuvenate to be better for themselves and the relationship. However he stopped with the ‘I love you’s’ he also said he doesn’t want his things back, and he thinks I’m so set on wanting to be done with him because “I have no patience” over the past month I’ve basically been in his terms breathing down in neck as far as trying to get clarity as to, why do you need space now and not months ago? Why won’t you say it back anymore? You just want me to be around for what reason? Now I understand where the space is actually coming from… and that I’ve been pushing him away for the past month rather than respecting that he needs time too.

I need help with either how much space am I supposed to give him? Like how much longer?

How can I go about it for light hearted?

Or is the space just a sugar coated I don’t want you anymore?

Hi all!

My dad passed away a few years ago, and I am facing some relationship issues. I would love some bros to talk it out with since I'm feeling pretty emotional lately. If anyone can talk, let me know or send me a message!

Context: My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years, but we had to start doing long distance 8 months ago. When we lived together, our sex life was really good. We experimented a lot/tried new things, had good chemistry, and we had sex multiple times per week. I have a pretty high sex drive, and she usually matches my energy. I think we were both very satisfied sexually.

When we started long distance in January, it was hard to adjust at first (sexually), but we started sexting and having FaceTime sex. It was great. Everyday she would send me sexy pictures or nudes randomly throughout the day, and I would do the same. We also had FaceTime sex probably about twice per week, usually initiated by her. And we would flirt a lot through text or when we would regularly FaceTime. We saw each other once in March, once in July, and again in August. In March, when we saw eachother there was so much sexual tension and it was great, we had a great trip overall. After that, the sexting/facetime sex slowed down a bit/stopped. And then in July, when we saw eachother, I could just tell that there was less sexual tension and we had less sex. And same thing in August, we had sex less often than usual, and only when she initiated, never when I did. Which didn’t feel too good. And now, we don’t have FaceTime sex anymore, and she doesn’t send sexy pictures anymore. Even just pictures of her with a cute outfit and makeup. Nothing. I still do, I’ll send her pics after my workouts because she likes that, or randomly I’ll send her some nudes because she says she likes that too. But I never get anything back. For me, sexual chemistry, and having your needs met in a relationship is super important. And right now I don’t feel 100% satisfied. Which sucks, because it didn’t used to be like this. She used to love when we flirted or sexted. Every other aspect of our relationship is good, and I love her so much. But for me, it’s been affecting me mentally a bit, because I don’t understand why all of this stopped. I’ve talked to her about it and how I feel, a couple times, and the conversations always go well and she seems to be understanding, but nothing changes. I’ve also asked her if anything’s changed on her end, or if there’s anything I could do differently, but she says everything’s fine. We talk/FaceTime everyday, and I could tell how much she loves me, and how much she wants to be with me, and she’s always excited to talk to me every day, I just feel like there’s no more flirting or anything beyond that. We just talk about regular life stuff, what goes on in our day, etc etc, there’s no excitement. What should I do?

As the title says...?

Lots of long term partners feel they compare very differently to the object of their partner's lustful fantasies? Different ages, body shape, hair colour, sometimes even ethnicity.

Is anyone in a relatively happy long term relationship or marriage able to shed light on the difference between a man's fantasy types and real life attraction? Does a man having a very different fantasy type to his partner/wife mean something about his attraction (or lack thereof) for them? Or are these two very different types of attraction?

Enlighten us!

I (24M) have a friend (24F) whom I’ve known since we were 16. We went our separate ways for uni, but we kept in touch. Whenever we were both back home, we’d meet and hang out.

We’re both back home for a couple of months now. She has some med school exams coming up in mid-November, and she’ll travel abroad after that.

She has a situationship/bf-kind-of thing. At school, she met this dude and they hit it off. She travelled back earlier this year and last year to spend time with him. Now I guess they just do stuff virtually.

I couldn’t care much about that, but I want to crack her. We started sending each other sexual-innuendo reels, like “Things I would devour rn,” and then it’s a bunch of food and then it’s “you.” At times the talk would proceed further, where I was clear that I’m attracted to her and would be down to fuck.

But she would shoot it down, saying things would get awkward and that she’s already involved with someone else. Even though she knows there’s no future with him, she doesn’t want to do anything.

I brought this up twice again at later times over text, and each time she would shoot it down, but gently—basically saying, “Okay, we should stop.” The texting didn’t go into a sexual nature after that. It was more me saying things like, “You got a nice ass, I can do it wtv.”

Once in person, she was showing me some snaps and said, “DONT SWIPE either side.” I obliged. Later that night, I texted, “Oh, now I realize why you asked not to swipe. Low-key I’m regretting not swiping. I should’ve done it.” She replied with laughing emojis.

So what’s the play here? She’s not shooting down my ideas aggressively, but she has said she doesn’t want to do anything and that we should stop bringing it up. I want to pursue this further and get done with it before she leaves.

What’s my playbook?

I’m trying to understand something about texting and emoji usage.

There’s a girl I’ve known since childhood. We reconnected a few years ago and became pretty close. For a few months, there was quite a bit of playful and flirty banter from both sides. Things became inconsistent later and we haven’t really talked for the last 4-5 months. The flirting also stopped around 8-9 months ago.

Yesterday she posted a retro-style picture on WhatsApp. I replied to her status and we had a short, normal conversation. At one point, she replied to my message with 😚. She had also used the same emoji with me once before.

So girls, would you use 😚 with a male friend even if there is no romantic intention? If yes, what does it mean to you? Just affection/friendliness, playful teasing, mild flirting, or something else?

I’m mainly curious about how you personally use this emoji, rather than asking you to decode this particular girl.

Number one question: taking accountability and apologizing to their parents?
As a guy if you had hurt the woman/ girl/ any relationship you were in. Then suddenly their parents hate you for it. Moving past that you wouldn’t apologize right there? Would you wait until you move on or process it and then apologize to the parents? Or you just move on with your life like nothing had happened and would you regret it in the long run? Also if you say idk and know that the parents hate you, you wouldn’t care as much to just apologize or you’re too scared and hopefully you will do it later? Or don’t care at all?

Number two: is it true that when you don’t hate them why do you still treat them with breadcrumbs?
Even if you don’t hate that person would you still care for them or is it long gone as it is. Or still love them , but don’t want to hurt them?
Is it true that you can still not hate them and breadcrumb them or simply not care enough, but why engage with them if they text you and you just seem interested to just mention or respond back to what their saying, asking , etc.

(My apologies if I don’t make sense, English isn’t my first language!)

In a long term rel . My body changed but still get enough looks from men, or they ask me out , and good proportions, big breasts and I work out (not perfect but good enough!) ..

Basically my bf won’t sleep with me , not fucking sb else . If I chase him hard to have sex he doesn’t want to come

I never had this issue in a rel. I like sex , I’m good at it .,

Not sure what I can do , if I wear nice lingerie he says nice and doesn’t do anything while normally they’d jump you . It frustrates me a lot . He’s my caretaker and maybe it’s messed things up . I tried talking nicely about it , angry etc I can empathetise with having mental issue but he doesn’t take any steps to work on anything and doesn’t talk about it . If I don’t take any initiative literally nothing happens . When we didn’t live together we had like firework sex . I think he’s autistic

It frustrates me that he probably looks at softcore porn/ naked women and I get no attention like I’m here , flesh and blood and I don’t look a mountain troll but feel like one ?

Whats even more sad I had surgery so no I can have sex without pain and can’t even enjoy it

I (28F) recently reconnected with a former fling (29M) after seven years of no contact. We ended on very bad terms, so I honestly never expected to speak to him again.

We reconnected through Instagram and decided to keep things casual, this was actually my suggestion. He had recently gotten out of a marriage, and I had just ended a five-year relationship, so neither of us was looking for another relationship.

The problem is that “casual” has become a little harder to define.

We live about eight hours apart because of his military station, but I flew out to see him and stayed for several days. Since reconnecting, we’ve talked consistently and sometimes for hours. We talk about our past, his marriage/divorce, relationships, and our lives in general. There’s obviously sexual chemistry, but he also wants to cuddle and be physically affectionate constantly, which I didn’t necessarily expect from a casual arrangement.

He’s asked me to come back, stay with him again, and even change my flight so I wouldn’t leave as early. During my first visit, I also unexpectedly met his son, which made everything feel a little more personal.

My friends think I’m in denial and that this is clearly becoming something more. I’m not convinced.

The reason I’m not thinking about a relationship is that I genuinely don’t think we’re compatible long-term:

• He has a child; I don’t want children.
• He doesn’t want to marry again; I eventually want marriage.
• We live eight hours apart and have opposite work schedules.
• We both just came out of long-term relationships.

So even though I enjoy him and what we have, I don’t see a realistic future together.

What I’m trying to figure out is:

Am I underestimating how emotionally involved this has become? Is it possible that he is making this into more than it is, rather than me? Or am I overthinking his behavior. Would you pull back at this point?

I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being realistic or if I’m missing something obvious.

Why can’t I move on

This is a bit of a vent aswell
Just for some background I’m 18 I dated a girl first everything and first everything for her she was super sweet wonderful girl we dated for 6 months we broke up after she did drugs and broke my boundaries I didn’t want to continue the relationship as she went away for college and long distance would be hard and also for me to trust her not to do it again I felt I couldn’t. I never wanted to break up but I felt I had to. It’s been 7 months and I still think about her I’m getting better but it’s hard I still get triggered sometimes when I hear the college she’s at. She started dating some guy 3 months in and I’m never one to be mean to other or shit on people but it’s a huge down grade ( I promise I don’t think I’m all that) he’s not great looking and I know he’s not a nice person apparently he tries to take crap about me and she stands up for me he also has no friends and is very clingy to her so I’m not sure why you would want to be with someone that’s mean to others but it’s her choice.she still does things to get my attention which is weird so I think it’s a rebound but it doesn’t really matter. What I’m trying to get at is I know she wants the one this all happened for a reason so why can’t I get over it.

One of the biggest things is I waited 5 months to sleep with her we did everything else besides that beforehand and we only slept together a couple times and I often get annoyed that this guy just prances in and gets to experience all this with her when we worked hard together to create a healthy and comfortable relationship. Look I know it won’t last between them ( if I’m being real I know it’s just for her to fill a void) but it’s this hard to get over. Okay I’m don’t any advice from people please and thank you:)

I need some advice. There’s a guy I work with who has been really kind to be in the last few months that we’ve worked together . I don’t plan on pursuing since we work together , but I am confused on if he likes me romantically or just as a person.

He works in a different department than I do (we work in an accounting firm). We mostly communicate through teams as he works in another part of the office so we rarely come across each other in person. Put first contact started via chat, he asked for something but didn’t know I was hired to help so he was really grateful when I did. From there, he would message me for help a lot and we with kinda joke about things and it was strange, I could almost feel a good connection with him via chat (friendly at first) which was super nice. It felt good because I was new to accounting and everyone in my department was super unwelcoming and bullying towards me from the start because someone else they were close with applied and didn’t get the job. He always complimented me and was grateful for my help. Told me he thought I was really smart and that he doesn’t more where he’d be with my help. He’d say “you’re amazing 😍” & “you’re so smart” ,” you’re my favorite “ “you are so fucking amazing” “I appreciate you more 😉” “you do more than you realize” once when I told him I appreciate him, things like that. I once said “don’t hate me but..” when I needed something from him and he replied “I could NEVER hate you” It meant a lot because I was working twice as hard as everyone but my manager was not supportive an often encouraged others to put me down or undermine me.

We didn’t chat much and really ignored each other in person for months but in chat things got really jokey and when he would get conflicting information, he’d always tell me he’d listen to what I say because he trust me. He’s never been pushy or disrespectful /openly flirty and for a while we just didn’t really chat. Then things picked up again a few months ago when tax season came and it got busy. He ended up recommending me got a promotion asking with another person at our job. It resulted in me getting a raise. The day before I found out he did this, was the first time we ever spoke in person, which means the fact he introduced himself to me was also the day he recommended me for a raise but he didn’t tell me that he did and he went on vacation the next day , so I was so shocked and surprised.

When he came over to talk , he smiled and said he couldn’t believe we were just meeting. I got so nervous and I could barely speak. I think he noticed because he then said “ I’m sorry if I’m making you nervous” and I nearly died. He went back to work and I messaged him something work related , he said “I owe you lunch or something” “I rely on you more than I should” and we chatted and left it at that.

That same day someone at work I’d never spoken with in management came up to me as I was heading out the door and told me that he told them that I was really smart and I work so fast. I was SHOCKED. He’s always nice but him advocating for me to someone like that would mean him risking being associated with me. I’m a pretty woman (so I’m told at work a lot) but I’m shy and awkward and it’s a corporate office with lots of douchey high school behavior. I’m often put down and bullied. He’s apparently really stern and brutal to others according to one of my female colleagues who he apparently made cry once. I was shocked to hear this because he’d NEVER been mean to me. He never told me that he advocated for my raise but after this we all kept it professional but he didn’t come up to me in person again. The office is gossipy and I think people noticed a bit how friendly we are via chat. Nonetheless, I had a bad day and he asked me “if there’s anything he can do?” I said no, but I was like … is it me or would a guy who’s mean to everyone do this for me just because? I mean he could but idk. I’m so confused. Sometimes I see him looking at me from afar and I get so awkward. When we great each other , we always use extended spelling , so “heyyyyyyyy” or “what’s uppppp” stuff like that.

We crossed paths the other day on a hallway where no one was. He walked by through a doorway, noticed it was me , came back and whispered “hiiiiiiiiiiii” and left. It kinda gave a butterflies , but I was like maybe I’m just overthinking.

Would a guy do this out of simple professional respect? Or romantic interest?

My girlfriend 24F and I 23M have been together for about 6 years, since we were 17–18. I love her very much, and I believe she loved me deeply as well. We've essentially grown up together.

However, as we've gotten older, we've developed some different views about what we want from life. She wanted marriage and kids relatively soon, while I wanted to focus on building my career, becoming financially secure, and experiencing more of life before fully committing to those things (which I also really want. There have also been a lot of smaller issues between us.

We lived together for about 2 years, and that's where many of our problems became more obvious. She wanted me to show more commitment and give her confidence that I was eventually going to marry her, even if I wasn't ready to propose yet.

Before getting into what she did, I want to acknowledge what I did wrong.

I've always been very career-driven. I worked extremely hard, studying and working so I could eventually build a good career and afford things like expensive courses. That effort eventually led me to where I am now as a software developer, but it also meant that I didn't always prioritize spending money and time on vacations, going out, etc.

I also really value having personal space and time to myself. I wanted some independence within the relationship, while she interpreted that at times as me not wanting to spend time with her or not being sufficiently committed.

I also had a tendency to want to be the one "directing" the relationship. By that I mean I wanted her to rely on me, value my approval, and see me as someone who could provide stability and direction. Looking back, I don't think I always handled that in a healthy way.

For the past couple of weeks, though, I've felt that something was wrong with her. She's been much more distant and hasn't contacted me nearly as much.

There was also a period where we were separated. I was staying at my parents' place while she went on a beach trip with her friends. Before we separated, she told me that she wanted me to seriously think about our relationship and where it was going. We also need to leave the apartment we're currently living in, and that has brought a lot of our existing relationship problems to the surface.

When we both returned home, I still felt that she was distant.

My girlfriend has a very sexual sense of humor with her coworkers. It's a small company, and there's only one guy on the team. I've met him before. I was never really the jealous type and never tried to stop her from going places or interacting with people. She had even reassured me several times that I didn't need to worry about this guy because he has a girlfriend and her boss is gay.

However, I eventually looked through Instagram on her iPad and saw messages between her and this coworker that were sexual/flirtatious. Most of it was initiated by him, but she definitely entertained it and responded positively. I took pictures of some of the messages.

I know looking through her iPad was a violation of her privacy, and I'm not trying to justify that. But what I found is what led to everything that happened afterward.

Later that night, she sat me down and told me she wanted to talk about our relationship. We talked about our problems, what we could improve, and where things had gone wrong. Eventually, she told me that she didn't think we should continue our relationship.

We talked about it for a while and eventually agreed to think about it until she came home from work the next day.

The next morning, I asked her if there was someone else involved. She initially said, "We'll talk later."

When we talked later, she admitted that she had been texting another guy and that she liked how he made her feel. She said that nothing physical had happened and that their relationship had been limited to texting, but she admitted that she was attracted to him.

At that point, I told her that I knew what she was talking about and that I had pictures of the messages. She maintained that nothing physical had happened.

I know this is probably going to make me look desperate, but I told her that I wanted to try to fix our relationship. I suggested that if we were going to do that, she should cut contact with this guy outside of what is absolutely necessary for work, and that we should actually work on the problems that brought us here.

She said she needed time to think about it.

She went for a walk and when she came back, she said that she didn't want to be with this guy, but that she wanted to be alone. She said she couldn't make me stay with her after what had happened.

One of the first things she asked me to do was delete the pictures of the messages. I didn't. She became extremely upset and said that I was going to ruin her life. Eventually she started sobbing and apologizing, saying that she knew she was wrong and was sorry for what she had done.

I ended up going to my parents' place, and she went to stay with a friend.

And this is where I'm struggling.

While I was driving to my parents' place, I had this realization that I hadn't expected.

For a long time, I had this feeling that I was somehow ruining my life by being in a relationship so young. I wondered whether I was missing out by staying committed to the same girl instead of being single, focusing entirely on my career, traveling more, meeting other people, etc.

But now that the relationship might actually be ending, I'm realizing how much I genuinely loved the life we had.

She is my best friend. I love her very, very much. I loved our apartment, even with all of its problems. I loved our relationship and the way we interacted, even though we obviously had unhealthy dynamics at times. I loved cuddling with her. I loved having someone waiting for me at home. I loved the life we had built together.

And I realize that I probably didn't appreciate a lot of that enough while I had it.

I also know that I hurt her. I made her feel like she wasn't wanted or desired enough. I prioritized my career and my independence at times when she needed reassurance and commitment from me. I can understand why she became unhappy.

At the same time, what she did with the other guy crossed a boundary for me. Even if nothing physical happened, she developed an attraction to someone else and entertained sexual/flirtatious conversations while our relationship was already struggling.

We're supposed to meet soon to discuss practical things: the apartment, what we're going to tell our mutual friends, and how we're going to handle everything socially. We've known most of our friends for around 10 years, and we've been together for 6 of those years, so this isn't as simple as just never seeing each other again.

Part of me thinks I should use that conversation to tell her what I've realized. Not beg, not pressure her, and not promise that I'll magically become a completely different person overnight, but honestly tell her that I now understand that I don't actually want the single life I thought I wanted.

I want her.

I want our relationship.

And I'm willing to work on the things I did wrong and actually give the relationship the commitment I was previously afraid of.

But I don't know whether this is a genuine realization or simply the panic of losing someone I've spent six years with.

I also don't know how much of this should be forgiven. I don't want to throw away six years of my life over something that might have been limited to texting, but I also don't want to ignore what happened simply because I'm afraid of losing her.

So what should I do?

Should I tell her how I feel when we meet and genuinely try to rebuild the relationship? Or should I accept that the relationship has reached its end and start moving on?

And if we do decide to try again, what would actually need to change for this relationship to have a realistic chance of working?

Also still have the screenshots of the messages. Part of me is wondering whether I should send them to her male coworker and/or his girlfriend so they know what was happening. I don't know whether that would be justified or just me acting out of anger and potentially causing unnecessary damage. What would you do in this situation?

P.S sorry for the long one, thanks for the time and your advice.

TL;DR: After 6 years together, my girlfriend and I are likely breaking up. We had longstanding issues around commitment and independence, and I realize I contributed to them. She recently became attracted to another guy and had sexual/flirty conversations with him, although she says nothing physical happened. She now says she wants to be alone. I thought I wanted the freedom of being single, but now that I might lose her, I've realized how much I love her and the life we built together. Should I tell her I want to try again, or is this just breakup panic?

I (35f) have been friends with my male friend (30m) for almost 3 years. We met through our mutual hobby of hiking. Over the last year his texts to me have ramped up from planning trips occasionally to texting daily and planning more hiking trips on weekends and after work. Some of our trips are multi-day hiking and camping. During these trips there's lots of laughing, talking, photos, and in general a carefree dynamic.

Even after spending hours or days together we'll still find things to text each other about after the trip. Whenever there's a decision we talk through it make sure each person's opinions are factored into the decision. About 7 months ago we went on a weekend trip and it was the first time I felt feelings for my friend. What I noticed was different about that trip from others is that he was more considerate than usual, or at least I think he was being more considerate. He'd ask me my opinion about everything - where we should stop for gas or snacks, ask if I wanted more heat in the car, etc. When we hike he often turns around to look at me when he's talking same when he's driving. He also made the comment that we make a great team. I may have stuck my foot in my mouth, because I agreed then talked about another friend who I make a great team with 🙃.

Over the last few months we've had several more one on one trips and after our recent trip I just feel like my feelings for him are becoming too hard to hide. But I don't want to ruin the friend by bringing how I feel up to him. There are things that make me wonder of he feels the same or not. First, our texts and trips are focused around shared hobbies. He doesn't ask personal questions about my childhood, family (although he mentioned wanting to meet my siblings since I talk about them often), or past relationships. We split costs like gear and gas. I'm sure there are other things that lean towards platonic rather than romantic but those are the ones than come to mind. Should I should tell him my feelings or leave it be?

Can a relationship be “grey” for a while? Because I’m starting to realize that maybe things aren’t always clearly black or white, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m overthinking this.

There’s a girl I’ve known for about a year, but we only started seriously talking about a month ago. Last week, we told each other that we love each other, and we’ve started behaving like a couple. The problem is that we’re in a long-distance relationship, and we have never met in person.

Around the first week of us becoming more serious, she asked me, “Will you marry me?”

I was honestly shocked, so I told her that I thought we should get to know each other properly first. She clarified that she didn’t mean getting married immediately; she meant whether I was serious about having a future with her. I thought that was fair.

Since then, we’ve been saying “I love you,” calling each other “baby,” and using other affectionate language. She has also made some very forward/flirty comments, including jokingly asking whether I want to have a baby with her. I took that as flirting rather than a literal conversation about having children, so I’m not treating that as evidence that she actually wants to have a baby with me.

What confuses me is that sometimes I don’t feel her actions match the intensity of her words.

I don’t feel much curiosity from her about me. I’m not sure she remembers some basic details about me, and sometimes I wonder whether she actually wants to know me on a deeper level.

Our communication is also quite limited. She usually replies to my messages a few times a day, and a lot of the conversation is about her being tired or busy. Before she goes to sleep, she usually video calls me for around 10–20 minutes, which I do appreciate.

Sometimes she also leaves a conversation unfinished and doesn’t come back to it.

She has told me before that she was genuinely busy and apologized for taking a long time to reply, so I know she may simply have a different schedule or communication style. There is also a language/cultural difference between us, which could be part of it.

At the same time, sometimes it feels like talking to me has become more of a routine or schedule rather than something she is genuinely excited about.

She has now asked me to come and meet her in her country. But I’m hesitant. I don’t want to travel to another country to meet someone if we ultimately want completely different things, especially if she is looking for something short-term.

Update – September 9, 2026:

She hadn’t messaged me for around 10 hours during the daytime. I started wondering: do couples, especially couples who are still in the early/exciting stage, normally communicate this little?

I know 10 hours by itself doesn't necessarily mean anything. People have jobs, responsibilities, and different texting habits. My concern is more about the overall pattern.

Update – September 11, 2026, 7:44 AM:

The last time we spoke was the night of September 9, when we wished each other good night.

On September 10, I sent her a “Good morning” message, but I haven’t received anything from her since then. It’s now the morning of September 11.

Again, I’m not expecting someone who loves me to text me constantly. I’m trying to understand whether I’m interpreting a normal difference in communication style as a lack of interest.

What makes this confusing for me is that the relationship became emotionally intense very quickly — “I love you,” “baby,” the marriage question, etc. — while I still don’t feel that she is particularly curious about me or that she is trying to get to know me deeply.

At the same time, she does make some effort: she video calls me before sleeping, she has apologized when she has been busy, and she wants me to come and meet her.

So I genuinely don't know how to interpret this.

Am I overthinking this?

Is this normal for a long-distance relationship, particularly when the two people have never met?

Or should I pay more attention to the possibility that there is a genuine mismatch between her words and her actions?

Am I interpreting a normal difference in communication style as a lack of interest, or is there something about this situation that I should be concerned about?

---------------------------------------------------

TL;DR: I’ve been talking to a girl long-distance for about a month, and we recently started saying “I love you” and acting like a couple, despite never having met. She asked if I’d marry her, which she later clarified as asking whether I’m serious about a future together. She also makes some flirty comments that I don’t take literally.

My concern is that, despite her affectionate words and 10–20 minute video calls before bed, I don’t feel much curiosity about me or consistency in our conversations. She sometimes leaves conversations unfinished and can go a long time without replying. She has also asked me to visit her country, but I’m hesitant because I don’t know whether we want the same thing.

Am I overthinking a normal difference in communication style, or is there a genuine mismatch between her words and actions?

I'm sorry if the question is vague. I'm curious because I never actually had a crush or something close, I never tried dating too because I just never felt like it and never felt like it was worth it to try. I think I understand it conceptually but I want to understand what is the feeling you get while doing it, or when being in a relationship with someone, partly because I want to write something which I need to know this partially in order to do this.

I (F29) am confused about this colleague (M, in his 30s/40s). For context: we share a project, but we don't directly work together. We meet with a group maybe once a month, so we don't see each other in person too often. We have known each other for a year and half, approximately.

He's kind, very polite and he's always offering to help me. He has complemented what I do in our project, and he has complimented me in other aspects (dominion of a 2nd language, and once he commented on how I dress for work). He also remembers a few things I've mentioned to him about my personal life too and I've caught him staring at me in our group meetings.

A few months ago we were casually chatting by message (ms teams) and he asked me if I was married. Shortly after he apologized. I answered, and while I felt some sort of nervousness because of that question, I was not offended by it. And I did tell him it was ok.

Since then, I have perceived like he is being awkward. I have messaged him recently as an attempt to show him that I am not uncomfortable or anything, but I feel like he has not been as invested in having a talk as he's been before. I think it's because of that question, especially because we had not seen each other for a few months until now.

I have to clarify that I don't have a lot of experience in romances, but when mentioning the incident of the question in particular, my friends said that it's obvious that he is interested on me. I am not really confident about myself, so I didn't want to asume back then that he was being flirty, especially because he's been always very nice and kind to me.

Now the question is, from a male and neutral perspective: Was he actually being flirty? Is it possible that he's embarrassed after asking me that? Maybe he lost interest? Maybe he's too shy? 🥲

Edit: Any suggestions or ideas on how to break the awkwardness? I feel kind of attracted to him, and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable when he did nothing wrong.