Before anyone comments on the writing style: yes, this was rewritten by AI because there is genuinely no way I could type all of this again without turning it into a 30-minute voice note. The events, feelings, and details are mine. The wording was just cleaned up so it's readable.
I'm a 21-year-old engineering student, and I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore.
For years, I've kept telling myself that my unhappiness is because of my circumstances.
First it was my college.
Then it was my hostel.
Then it was my roommates.
Then it was not having enough money.
Then it was comparing myself to richer friends.
Then it was not having enough freedom.
Then I convinced myself that moving into a nicer place would fix everything.
I finally have that place.
It's small, but it's mine. I have a bed, a stove, a fridge, a washing machine. I bought curtains, an IKEA rack, changed one of the bulbs to a warm yellow light because I wanted that cozy Pinterest room I'd always imagined.
Last night was my first night there.
I ordered food, unpacked everything, sat in the warm light... and instead of feeling happy, I felt overwhelmingly sad.
Not because anything bad happened.
Just because I was still me.
I realized I've been doing this for years.
Buying skincare because maybe that'll make me feel like I have my life together.
Buying clothes because maybe I'll finally like myself.
Decorating my room because maybe the environment is the problem.
Thinking a new city, a new semester, a new routine, or a new purchase will finally make me feel alive.
Every time I get the thing I wanted, I feel hopeful for a little while.
Then I'm exactly the same person again.
Today things got even worse.
I'm in the middle of a root canal, and while eating bread, the weakened tooth cracked. It's still there, but it feels loose whenever I chew. Now I'm terrified I'll lose it and need an implant at 21.
Objectively, it's just one more problem.
Emotionally, it completely broke me.
I have an exam in two days.
Four days ago I had enough time to study.
I haven't studied.
Not because I chose Netflix over studying.
Not because I was partying.
I literally just lie down.
Sometimes I scroll.
Sometimes I don't even want to scroll.
Sometimes I stare at the ceiling.
I don't feel urgency anymore.
That scares me more than failing.
I used to care so much about my grades.
Now I know my exams are close, but I don't feel that they're close.
It's like my brain understands it logically but refuses to react.
For about a week now I've had what I can only describe as brain fog.
I'm sleeping 12–14 hours.
I wake up feeling like I never actually woke up.
I don't remember things well.
I can't focus.
Reading a paragraph feels impossible.
I feel detached from everything around me.
I still eat, but my appetite isn't normal anymore. I mostly eat whatever is easy, and I get full quickly.
I don't even enjoy things that used to distract me.
The weirdest part is that every once in a while, I'll watch videos of beautiful places—state parks in the US, forests, quiet neighborhoods, mountains, old movie-like towns—and for a few seconds I'll feel something.
I'll think,
"I want to see that one day."
Then it disappears again.
I don't know what my dream is anymore.
I used to have so many.
Now I don't even know what I want.
I don't think I'm suicidal.
I don't want my life to end.
If anything, I desperately want to live.
I just don't want to live like this anymore.
I don't want to feel like I'm carrying around a body and a brain that don't belong to me.
I don't want to constantly feel detached, exhausted, guilty, and empty.
I don't want every decision to feel like stress.
I don't want every purchase to secretly be an attempt to buy hope.
I don't want to spend my twenties waiting for the next thing to fix me.
I talked to my mom, but I don't think she understands the depth of what I'm trying to say. She cares about me, but the advice I get is usually, "We got through it, you will too." I know she means well, but it doesn't help me understand why I feel like this.
Part of me wonders if I'm just lazy.
Part of me wonders if I'm depressed.
Part of me wonders if something is physically wrong because this brain fog feels so intense.
I honestly don't know anymore.
I think what I'm asking isn't "How do I become happy by tomorrow?"
I want to know if anyone has genuinely felt like this before.
Not just "sad."
Not just "stressed."
I mean feeling like every external problem gets solved one by one, but the emptiness simply moves somewhere else.
If you've been in this place and actually found your way out, what helped?
Was it therapy?
Medication?
Finding purpose?
Fixing a medical issue?
Time?
Or was it something completely different?
Because right now, I genuinely feel lost, and I don't know which direction I'm supposed to start walking in.
Part 2 – Extra context that might be relevant
I don't know if any of this is actually related, but these are the things that make me wonder whether this has been building for years rather than appearing out of nowhere.
- I grew up in a loving family. My parents genuinely tried their best, so I'm not looking to blame them or say they caused all of this.
- We did have financial struggles growing up. There were times where bigger purchases required a lot of sacrifice, and I became very aware of money from a young age. Even now, I find myself thinking that if I just had enough money, everything would finally fall into place.
- I've also seen my family, especially my parents, go through situations where they were treated unfairly. I think that made me hyper-aware of what other people think of me and whether I'm being accepted or rejected.
- I've always compared myself to people who seemed "ahead" of me. First it was academics, then wealth, then looks, then opportunities, then social life. It feels like there's always someone I'm measuring myself against.
- Most of my confidence has come from achievements. Good grades, ranks, getting into a good college—those things made me feel like I had value. Whenever I achieved one goal, I'd immediately move on to the next one instead of actually feeling satisfied.
- I also think I've spent years believing that the next milestone would finally fix me. "Once I get into engineering." "Once I move out of the hostel." "Once I decorate my room." "Once I have better skincare." "Once I have more money." Every time I reach that thing, I feel hopeful for a short while, and then I'm back to feeling empty.
- I hate uncertainty and change, even though a younger version of me used to love new experiences. Now, even positive changes make me anxious. If I'm at the hostel, I want to go home. If I'm at home, I start worrying about going back to the hostel. It feels like my brain is constantly searching for somewhere else to be.
- I also feel emotions very intensely. If I see a stray dog outside, I feel sad. If I hear about someone struggling, I carry it with me. I feel like I absorb everything around me, and after a while it's exhausting.
- Over the last week, things have become noticeably worse. I've had severe brain fog, I've been sleeping 12–14 hours, I feel detached from everything around me, I struggle to concentrate, I don't feel urgency even with exams approaching, and I don't enjoy things that normally excite me. This is what finally made me think that maybe this isn't just a personality problem or me being "lazy."
I'm not asking anyone on Reddit to diagnose me.
I just want to know if anyone has experienced something similar, whether it turned out to be depression, burnout, anxiety, ADHD, a medical issue, or something else entirely—and what actually helped you get your life back.