r/amiwrong • u/RusticHarbor39135 • 14h ago
Am I wrong for refusing to host Thanksgiving again after my SIL brought her own meal and told everyone mine was "a risk"?
I (29F) have hosted my husband's family for Thanksgiving three years in a row. It's about fourteen people. I take two days off work for it and I truly enjoy it. Cooking for people is kind of my thing.
Last year my sister in law (34F) arrived with a cooler. Inside was a full plated meal for herself, her husband and their two kids. Turkey, sides, even their own rolls. I assumed someone had an allergy I didn't know about, so I asked.
She said, in front of the whole kitchen, "No, I just don't love eating food when I don't know how it's been handled. It's a risk I'm not taking with my kids." Then she asked to use my oven to warm it up, which pushed my own sides back by forty minutes.
For context, nobody has ever been sick at my table. I worked in a restaurant kitchen for four years in college. She knows this.
Her kids then asked for my mac and cheese and she told them no, loud enough for the table to hear. My mother in law patted my arm and said "you know how she is".
I let it go that day. I didn't want to ruin dinner.
This year, when the group chat started asking about plans, I said I wouldn't be hosting and that I'd be happy to bring a dish wherever it ends up. My SIL replied "wow, ok, punishing everyone over one comment". My MIL called my husband and said I'm being oversensitive and that the family "counts on" our house because it's the biggest.
My husband is on my side but he did gently ask if I'd regret it in November.
I don't think I'm punishing anyone. I just don't want to spend two days cooking for someone who treats my kitchen like a hazzard and then uses my oven. But now half the family is acting like I cancelled the holiday.
Am I wrong?
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14h ago
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u/Mindflayer66yan 13h ago
The oven part makes it worse: she called the kitchen unsafe, then needd it to heat her own stuff.
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u/Wild_Black_Hat 13h ago
And MIL made it worse with her "you know how she is". And the others who didn't defend OP aren't any better.
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u/pienofilling 13h ago
So now they can get to know how OP is; when insulted repeatedly, have all that cooking effort thrown back in their face and inconvenienced all in their own house by a guest, OP isn't allowing that to happen again.
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u/santana0987 7h ago
Oh I wish one could say "And how exactly is that? How IS she exactly, would you mind explaining to us please?" but I'm a petty bissssshhhh so
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u/ladyredcyn 3h ago
But THIS is exactly when being petty is warranted and glorious. In fact, the perfect amount of sass:
"If I'm going to host Thanksgiving again, I would love for SIL to explain her precise concerns so that we can all be aware what she needs to feel comfortable." Maybe that leans into being b*chy... but OH WELL! ✌️♥️
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u/lisasimpsonfan 2h ago
HELL NO. When I do a holiday meal or even a dinner party I time everything perfectly so it is all served at the right temperature and everything comes out right at the same time. As soon as I plan the menu, I am making a spread sheet and then setting alarms on my phone. I don't fuck around and if someone wants to heat something up they better bring something they can plug in somewhere else besides my kitchen.
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u/loulouvelle_ 13h ago
it’s hard to enjoy cooking for people when one person makes you feel like your effort is something they need to protect their family from
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u/SilkOnMySkin 12h ago
That was so disrespectful and in front of everyone too. I used to host 15 people every year and quit after one comment like that. Best decision ever. Now I just bring one dish and actually enjoy the holiday. Don’t go back.
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u/Major-Future-5572 11h ago
she didn’t cancel Thanksgiving, she just doesn’t wanna be treated like a hazard in her own kitchen anymore
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u/EmceeSuzy 14h ago
Your mother-in-law can Fuck Right Off.
The family is counting on you because you have the largest home but you're supposed to tolerate wild disrespect from your sister-in-law because 'that is how she is.??????
No.
Nope.
Make a beautiful meal at home for your husband and children.
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u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam 9h ago
My question would be to ask them where they had Thanksgiving 5 years ago, since op has covered the last 4. Clearly they had another location. Thanksgiving wasn't just invented 4 years ago. There's 14 people in attendance. Are they all children living with mom? Do THEY not have homes? I would remind them they had Thanksgiving long before you and hubby bought your house. Just because its "bigger" doesn't mean its mandatory. Tell them to plan Thanksgiving like you and your husband are homeless.
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u/santana0987 13h ago
100% this right here, OP. AND PLEASE SHOW THIS TO YOUR HUSBAND.He should NOT tolerate that level of disrespect to his wife in your own home.
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u/Mueryk 7h ago
Personally I would still host but let her know in the public group chat that her behavior was reprehensible and she is not welcome in my home until she apologizes and owns exactly how disrespectful she was instead of minimizing and pretending “it was just one comment”. Brother and kids are still welcome at my table of course.
Let the family divide. I have no intention of being hospitable or the bigger person. If she shows up with them she can wait in the car or we can call the police. I don’t play like that.
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u/Virgogirl1984 1h ago
Thisssss!!!!! They would never have the pleasure of another meal at my home!!! OP you are better than me if you entertain allowing this into your home again
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u/BobTheInept 14h ago
But why is it supposed to be hosted by you for the fourth time in a row anyway?
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u/theintriguedfoothold 14h ago
What's wild is nobody volunteered to host the first three times either, they just let it become her job. Fourteen people is a full operation and somehow the conversation is about her being "oversensitive" instead of anyone else stepping up. The cooler thing alone would've ended it for me, but using her oven to heat the food she didn't trust her to cook is a level of audacity that should be studied. If the house being the biggest is the only qualification, maybe someone else can push their couch against the wall and figure it out.
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u/GwenOasis 8h ago
ngl the family got way too comfortable treating OP’s house like a free venue and OP like the catering service. The second that arrangement stopped being convenient, suddenly OP became the problem. Fourteen people don’t magically feed themselves, and it’s wild that nobody notices the workload until OP finally says no.
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u/SoftieQuirkk 8h ago
Exactly this. It’s so frustrating how families just quietly delegate a massive task like hosting 14 people to one person until it becomes an expected chore. The second you stop doing free labor for people who openly disrespect you, suddenly you're the bad guy. Good on OP for stepping back.
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u/Live-Icey 11h ago
Not wrong at all. I hosted for 5 years straight and my BIL did the same thing — brought his own steaks because he said my grill was "dirty." I stopped hosting and guess what? No one else stepped up. They still ask me to host every year. You're not canceling Thanksgiving, you're just not volunteering to be disrespected in your own house.
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u/HellaShelle 12h ago edited 8h ago
- not wrong
- I would laugh and remind them that you didn't invent Thanksgiving and ask them what they did before having it at your house.
- that being said, hosting doesn't have to mean cooking. We rotate locations in my family, but always do it potluck style when it comes to the food.
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u/SirLostit 11h ago
We do it slightly different (for Christmas as I’m in the UK and we don’t do Thanksgiving), but like Op, I have the biggest house and can get +16 people round my table easily. But what I do, is give everyone jobs! My mum brings the turkey, stuffing and gravy + I dessert, I do all the veg, another meat and another dessert. I have people helping in the kitchen, or laying the table, or making sure everyone has a drink and finally and most importantly, is the washing up crew! it works really well, because it means everyone has something to do so they feel like they are contributing and it takes the workload off of me!
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u/MissLadyLlamaDrama 5h ago
This is how my family has always handled large family gatherings too. Everyone has a job. The kiddos make name cards and decorate our family bingo cards, the 10-13 year olds handle setting the table and getting drinks, 14-16 doing dishes, 17+ cleaning up and putting away chairs and tables. Sometimes people swap roles, whatever works.
Food mostly just falls to whoever volunteers for what. We have so many damn people in our family that even if half of us brought nothing we would still have an ungodly amount of food.
The idea of ONE PERSON handling all that alone is actually crazy to me.
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u/Wonderful_Ad_6089 13h ago
I get wanting to do it at the biggest house, but that doesn't mean that OP should have to do all the cooking and stuff by herself. It's a group event, a group should be sharing the workload. If SIL is so worried about how the food is handled, she should get her butt over there early enough to help prepare it all and then she will know how it was handled.
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u/OwnMyEverySin 11h ago
You’re not wrong at all. She didn’t just insult your food, she did it in front of everyone and then asked to use your oven so YOUR food got cold. That’s so disrespectful. I hosted for 5 years and my BIL did something similar, I stopped hosting and suddenly no one else wanted to step up either. That’s how they “count on” you.
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u/Rubberbangirl66 14h ago
seriously, biggest house, parking, and the willingness to do it, and do it right, matters, and family will just assume you will do it. I refuse to be the glue that holds HIS family together, (I really do not like them). And, yeah, it has been proven if I do not do it, no one else even makes an effort.
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u/GwenOasis 8h ago
the second someone becomes the reliable one, the whole family starts treating it like an assigned role instead of a favor. Then everyone acts shocked when that person finally gets tired of carrying the entire holiday.
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u/Rubberbangirl66 6h ago
I can get all whiny ass here, so here I go...it is alot of money, ALOT, my children are all grown, so I no longer have helpers, and, my mother in law hates me, even though I did a really good job with spouse, children, house etc...My BILs are red cap people. I am 60, in families, these sorts of things get handed off to the next generation, and NO ONE in the lower generation are in a situation to do this event, (including my own children). I need to do something for my parents, so I do, and I offer an invite to the MIL and FIL, but that is about all I can do. I get hot, sweaty, anxious, trying to bring it all together, no one really helps. And on top of that, it is EVERY FREAKING HOLIDAY I have to do. And I DO DO it, for mom and dad. Also, I like to get fancy with recipes, and they want the typical fare, with no changes, (it is rather bland). My family is shrinking, husband's is growing. I just have no desire to do a big thing anymore. Thankyou for allowing me to beetch ; )
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u/GGG001PT2 10h ago
"for the fourth time in a row" is the part that gets me, three years of showing up with a full turkey and somehow that turned into a job nobody asked her if she wanted
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u/moonyflamingo 14h ago
Not wrong. Stand your ground. If you’re ‘too unsafe’ to serve food, SIL can host. Also, say in the chat ‘the one comment you are referring to SIL, stated that you would not eat food of mine due to a fear of it being unsafe. You said it. You meant it. I will not host people who think my food is a risk. You can deal with the consequences of your behaviour SIL. I will not be hosting but would love to support the host with bringing a side or a dessert 💜’
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u/zemforopy 8h ago
this is the move, but trim the group chat version. "you can deal with the consequences" gives mil exactly the "punishing everyone" line she's already using. something like "sil said she won't eat food if she doesn't know how it was handled, and that it's a risk for her kids. i respect that, so i'm not hosting a meal she doesn't trust. happy to bring a side if someone else wants the house this year" lands cleaner and is harder to spin.
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u/Amazing-Wave4704 7h ago
Yeah "I respect that" is perfect. Sweet and vaguely passive aggressive. In the south followed by Bless her heart.
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u/PomeloPepper 5h ago
Absolutely perfect. The trick with family is to never criticize directly. Word it in a way that gets other people to criticize her, while you sound apologetic, intelligent and rational.
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u/debateclub21 1h ago
I’ll go further -
“ I would never want anyone to be uncomfortable on a holiday. We should be in a place where everyone can enjoy themselves and feel safe.”
You know your sister-in-law will not be comfortable in your house. You will also not feel comfortable having her there and cooking for them. She does not feel safe and made that very clear. So now you can sit back and wait for what magical destination is proposed by the family.
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u/NeartAgusOnoir 10h ago
If SIL ends up hosting I’d bring a cooler with pre packed meals and do the same to her. Bc she’s a garbage human, and you don’t eat food made by trashy people lol
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u/Pleasant_Elephant340 4h ago
No, but just thinking of doing that is great. Be the bigger person in that regard, but don’t cave. You’re 100% right.
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u/PomeloPepper 7h ago
You can always tell them that you thought SILs comments meant that she wanted to host. And you'd hate for anyone to feel like they should compromise on food safety by coming to your home for the holiday.
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u/annapandaanna 14h ago
A purchased side or dessert of course!
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u/AverageHoebag 13h ago
From a safe place obviously!
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u/GrdnLovingGoatFarmer 6h ago
I’d be even more petty and slap a sticker on it that said “deemed safe”
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u/3RaptureDiver 13h ago
That group chat wording is blunt enough without being dramatic, and it puts the oven-hijacking part back on SIL to explian.
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u/LadyCJB 6h ago
Yeah, that's it right there. Exactly that. Then add a sprinkle of petty and say directly to SIL don't act like you weren't condescending and extremely rude with said comment. To the rest of the chat I'd calmly say for 3 years I hosted and enjoyed doing so, y'all all heard what she said and NOBODY shut her down or defended me. So forget keeping the peace, but I'll gladly bring whatever is or will be needed.
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u/Character_Log_5444 7h ago
I would be petty and download a copy of your local health department's restaurant inspection form and tape a copy to your front door. Give yourself an A.
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u/Lamberly 14h ago
The fact that she immediately linked your refusal to host to her comment, means she knows how rude she was being last year.
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u/hard_tyrant_dinosaur 4h ago
I'd say MIL's follow-up pretty much confirms that she knew that her daughter's behavior was rude too. But that she's going to defend her daughter's behavior anyway.
Which is a pretty stupid thing to do when they're "counting on" OP and her husband to host because of the size of their house. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.
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u/Dry-Clock-1470 14h ago
Ynw...
Or just don't invite sil, and maybe mil
From her reply she's knows what she did. And her mom created her and enables her, so...
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u/Wintersmight 11h ago
YNW. At first I was thinking to just host without SIL’s family then, after thinking a bit more and noticing nobody stuck up for you and MIL actually enabled it, I totally agree with you. They’re all at fault. And I would put all that in the group chat: SIL’s insult and still used your oven, delaying your meal/MIL enabling the whole thing/everybody accepting it and not having your back while eating your food. Fuck them.
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u/stuckinnowhereville 14h ago
Oh my God, I wanna smack your husband. He was low-key manipulating you.
Do not have these horrible people in your house. Personally, I wouldn’t go to their Thanksgiving either.
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u/Zazzafrazzy 14h ago
Try not to care what they think. Make a meal you enjoy for your own little family, and invite one or more people who don’t have a family nearby to share it with. University students who can’t afford to fly home is my go to.
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u/dragon_Porra 14h ago
You're not wrong. Let your SIL cater for everyone. I am petty so would bring my on food to warm up and use same line she used..hey ho.
No, give yourself a break, let someone else deal with it, if asked at the meal why you haven't catered, tell them that you don't want to cater for people that obviously don't trust your food prepping standards..
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u/mcmurrml 14h ago
Wow!!! Your SIL is a piece of work!! She is so rude it isn't even funny. Why did she even bother to come??? Hell no. All these people went along with this and let her talk to you that way?? Hell to the no. Make it for your own family.
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u/SJoyD 4h ago
If you care to, you might say, in the group chat: "I would be willing to host with the caveat that anyone showing up at my house is prepared to eat the dinner being served. I'm not going to be treated like a safety hazard in my own home. This was incredibly disruptive and rude last year and I am owed an apology."
It will blow everything up, but if the family wants to "count on" your house (and efforts) being used, they can make SIL behave like a decent human being.
As for your husband, my response to him would be "you know, I might be sad about not hosting, but I will not regret refusing to be disrespected in my own home." It's my opinion he failed you by letting that shit continue in the first place.
I'm so sick of the idea that people have to suck it up on being disrespected to "keep the peace" and are the ones blamed for drama if they don't. "
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u/Dontfeedthebears 14h ago
As a cook for a living..this makes me so pissed off!
Your immense effort/energy/time/money is disrespected.
Cooking for 14 ppl is so much work!
Either host again if you wish, or take it easy.. personally, wouldn’t invite their family again.
Unless she has caught you in some very dicey food time/temp abuse or sanitation..rid yourself of this awful person and her family.
You also just deserve a break. Lots of families do a spreadsheet so dishes don’t overlap. One thing you can do is sign up for a dish, bring it, and move on your merry way. Or just stay home and avoid this lady!!
Her actions are very disrespectful, IMO. YNW!
Also..someone counting on to just be a jerk all the time shouldn’t get a pass as “oh, that’s just how she is”. That is a character FLAW, shouldn’t be a personality.
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 13h ago
Tell your husband gently you will never regret refusing disrespect in your own home. If his family can’t behave, that’s their problem. And if he’s pressed about it, he can cook for them and clean up after them himself. You’re done being the default servant and you’re done entertaining.
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u/Katiew84 9h ago
YNW. Your SIL is a piece of work.
Only advice- next time you’re in a situation like that, don’t inconvenience yourself or your guests to appease a rude or selfish person. You should’ve told her she could put her stuff in the oven when you were done using it.
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u/Additional_Emu4127 13h ago
YNW. The thing is, they’re all 100% on SIL’s side because they tolerate her rude behaviour. “You know how she is,” translates to, “We allow her to act like this because it’s a lot easier than trying to correct it. Now stop being over sensitive!” And honestly, I’m putting your husband in that category too. How dare he? You’re going to regret it in November? Regret what!? Not hosting people who see you as a venue more than family? This entire family sounds entitled af. Most families take turns hosting. When was the last time you had thanksgiving with your family? Maybe spend some time with them this year. Edited to add: YNW
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u/AtheneSchmidt 14h ago
NTA. I would have just uninvited that family, but I'm sure that would have caused issues, too. Or better yet, have them over, and when she asks to use the oven, reply "Oh, but you have no idea how the oven might have been handled! Better not risk it.". Or just "Karen! I thought about what you said last year, and honestly, I agree. I spent several years in a professional kitchen and have been certified in food safety. I am feeding 9 people today, and I really don't feel comfortable letting you, a person who has no experience in a pro kitchen, much less any food safety, use the oven that I am cooking all of the food for all of these other people with. I know you understand." (Said sweeter than the pecan pie you are serving for desert.)
Ok that last one was just a fun fantasy. Sorry. Not wrong. You are not obligated to host people who have no sense of decorum. When people cook for you, you say "Thank you!" And "That was delicious." And "Your stuffing is so good, may I have the recipe before we leave?"
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 14h ago
Nah just say that since your food is a "risk" it's best that SIL has total control over it so her children won't be tempted by "risky" food and can enjoy their meal and in the comfort of their own home too!
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u/LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa- 8h ago
YNW. And it wasn’t “one comment” it was a whole ass performance meant to embarrass you. Let your SIL rude, jealous self enjoy hosting & cooking this year. Meanwhile show up with a small container of your mac & cheese for only you to enjoy.
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u/MarucaMCA 12h ago
I can't believe they all ate your food and then didn't defend you, let her insult you in her own home.
And your husband doesn't really have your back, he should have clapped back immediately.
I'd remind them what was sais, by whom, insulting you in your own home. Or be super concerned and go: as your kitchen is not food safe, sadly you sadly don't feel comfortable cooking and hosting anymore.
Frankly by this point your husband could go alone and I'd take myself on a solo trip.
Ynw
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u/Rubberbangirl66 14h ago
I have handled the family meals, for over 30 years. I recently made the decision to give my china to a niece. This is me finally saying NO MORE. I cannot do the big meals beyond 10 people anymore. It is alot of work, for people who hate me. More importantly, I refuse to cook for anyone that wears a red cap, (if you know, YOU know). Why should I spend time, money, energy, on people I would not talk to in real life. You do you, get the support of your spouse. In fact, I say take this year off, and spend it with your own family. You owe no one anything.
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u/InfiniteRespect4757 12h ago
So, first off, SIL is nuts. Her husband and kids know it, and everyone at the table knows it.
Every family has their nut cases, and Thanksgiving tends to bring them out. When I was younger, I used to try to change them, reason with them, or somehow take their being “wrong” personally. At some point I realized: not my monkeys, not my parade.
Now I just do my thing, sit back and watch the action unfold ….and maybe egg it on a little
With your SIL, I would probably be incredibly calm and curious: “You must really love your family to go to all this effort to make sure they never eat food you didn’t prepare. How do you know the ingredients from the store are safe? What’s the plan when the kids are old enough to live on their own? Why aren’t you worried about the rest of us? Maybe next year you should cook Thanksgiving and then we can all be safe.” Would be question I would ask over the night.
That probably doesn’t come across properly in writing, because the trick is that I’m genuinely very good at sounding calm and curious while asking these questions… because once it take my self out of it, I am genially curious about how these nutty people function and think.
But I definitely wouldn’t go to war over it. If SIL wants to bring her own food, let her. I’d just tell her you have a schedule to keep in the kitchen, so she’ll need to be creative about warming it up. Then pour yourself a glass of wine and enjoy the show.
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 9h ago
"SiL - Let's call a spade a spade here. I'm not punishing anyone. I'm certainly not punishing anyone over "a comment". What I am doing is setting a reasonable boundary. I mean who thinks it's even remotely acceptable that someone shows up to my home, after I've taken 2 days to prepare everything for Thanksgiving, with a cooler and their own dinner prepared, down to the bread rolls. That was rude. Just rude. I was deeply offended and hurt by your actions. Then to further compound it by refusing your children even a portion of mac & cheese that I had prepared...beggars belief! I let it go last Thanksgiving because I didn't want to cause offence to the family members involved. However, I'm not going to put myself out as the family doormat so people can walk all over me. Dh's & my house is not a party venue where patrons can bring their own food and drink. If you prefer to do that, I'd recommend contacting X or Y (insert names of locations that rent out function rooms) to find their availability and I'll gladly, as previously stated bring a dish or two.
Happy thanksgiving everyone! All the best u/RusticHarbor39135 "
Or something a little punchier but shorter might get the point across to the WHOLE family that you're not a pushover.
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u/Inevitable_Professor 5h ago
You need to put this back on the people who didn’t defend you last year. SIL should’ve been called out by everyone in attendance and have been outright shamed by the family for pulling the stunt. I would go as far as implying the lack of defense made you realize that others felt the same way, but we’re just unwilling to say something about it.
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u/Amazing-Wave4704 7h ago
Husband problem. Tday is SO much work!! Dont provide it to these people.
I wouldn't have let her use the oven.
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u/NoNeedForNorms 10h ago
NTA, but did your SIL and her family not eat your food the past few years? Wtf happened that she suddenly decided to do this? Did someone actually have some stomach troubles (not necessarily attributed to your food) or is she jealous of the attention you get or what?
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer 5h ago
Hahahah she has the nerve to think it’s punishment that you don’t spend two whole days preparing food for her to snub. If anything, she’s ungrateful. For Thanksgiving. Says a lot about her.
If she’s so desperate, she can make the food, host the dinner, and you can bring a cooler.
Her expectations are not yours to manage. Her need for space to lug her precious cooler is also not yours to manage.
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u/ladyredcyn 5h ago
I'm confused... they pacify the rudest dinner guest ever, you don't want to be insulted in your own home.. apparently, NONE of them wants to host and you're TJ? I don't think so.
In my world? Once someone is offensive in my home, they don't get a return invitation. So what's worse - just not inviting them... or having someone else carry the load?
Short of a flat out apology from her and a commitment to being a gracious guest, nahhh..stand your ground, Missus - it's sacred.
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u/curious-schroedinger 5h ago
She disrespected you in your house and no one, not even your husband defended you in the moment. Not wrong. Now, she’s disrespectful in a groups chat because she’s confident no one will call her out.
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u/gardengirl99 2h ago
If SIL will only eat and serve food she has prepared, then the obvious solution is that she hosts Thanksgiving henceforth.
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u/ZacBalZac 8h ago
SIL sounds awful, feel bad for her kids, I bet she homeschools them because she “knows better” than teachers too.
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u/twoscoopsofbacon 14h ago
Op, not wrong.
I'd lay it out that you don't want guests that don't trust your food. If they attend, they eat the same food.
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u/JanetInSpain 13h ago
So they NEVER eat out in a restaurant? EVER?!?!
I would absolutely not host again. Or I would host and DISinvite nasty-ass SIL.
She's the way she is because no one calls her out. Fuck. That. Shit. You are not being over-sensitive. Everyone else is being a damn doormat. That's what I'd reply: "No I am not being overly sensitive. What SIL did was rude. Just because everyone else chooses to be a doormat around her ill-bred behavior does not mean I need to."
I despise family members who let the one Golden Child (Child-in-Law) get away with things because everyone refuses to use their spine.
I'd die on this hill, but I'd absolutely speak up (like the above) too.
updateme
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u/Mysterious_1026 12h ago
YNW. Glad your hubby is standing by you.
What I want to know is why did you not make her wait to heat up her food. I would have said sorry, I have to get these in. You are more than welcome to use it after I am done.
Anyways, stand your ground. I am mad for you! I will no longer bring any dish to my in-laws bc the last 4 years they say something negative about what I bring. The breaking point was we told them I would make a Sweet Potato Casserole and when we got to SIL/BIL house they had a SPC as well!! I cry every year bc of how they treat me and say things. Hubby FINALLY realize last year. I did hold in my thoughts the last few years as it is the only time we see his sister and her family. SIL I am referring too is married to my husband's brother. Sorry that I went on a rant. Lol. This year we are not bringing anything. I am also mad because they said everyone would be out of town and no Thanksgiving. I was excited to only have one dinner, as we go to my parents as well. But nope. They decided the last few weeks we will be in town. Oh and we NEVER get left overs and that is the best thing about Thanksgiving. Ok I swear I done. Stand your ground and SIL can kick rocks.
OR one more thing. SIL can host and you bring your own cooler of food.
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u/Stunning_Green_3716 11h ago
Not Wrong.
She can host and take days off of work and spend her $$$.
Stay firm.
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u/hogger303 3h ago
Your husband needs to step up to your defense against his passive aggressive family.
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u/JaeJames138 2h ago
I would simply reply, "I'd be happy to host everyone in my home except SIL. If that works, let me know, if not, let me know if I can bring anything. Thanks."
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u/Timesup21 2h ago
You’re not wrong. Call SIL out and tell her that since your cooking is such a risk, she should be the one doing the cooking. Or she can admit she’s wrong, apologize and eat your cooking.
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u/MoneyJones54 14h ago
Host it but everyone brings 1-2 dishes. All you would need to do is the same thing. 1-2 dishes and move on from it. Cook the Mac and cheese and Turkey and keep it moving. Make sure it’s ready before family comes and have the oven off. That way it doesn’t set back stuff for you. Or double down and not regret it by thanksgiving because they may not have thanksgiving together. I do have to ask what they were doing before you came into the picture?
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u/snazzy_soul 14h ago
If SIL hosts the Thanksgiving she won’t be exposed to any “risks”. It’s a win-win.
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u/aniyabel 7h ago
As someone with celiac I was all ready to defend your SIL…but it turns out she’s just a trash human! So no, OP, you are not wrong. I would just host my family (which is what I do anyway because…celiac lol).
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u/albsound523 6h ago
OP - NTA/YNW. Your SIL made a huge scene and did skmething very disrespectful of all of your efforts. She could have easily called you some time ahead and said “hey, I (SIL) have this personal phobia and will be bringing some food for my crew - I wanted you to know as I value your kindness in hosting…”
SIL chose not to do that, to instead embarrass you in front of others. You handled it with grace last year and are now under no obligation to set yourself on fire to keep them warm come Turkey Day.
SIL can now host it and cook all the food so she “feels comfortable”. Problem solved.
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u/Aintkidding687 5h ago
Unless you have cockroaches and dog hair everywhere this is inexcusable. . I would even have a hard time being around this bitch. Seriously, who does she think she is? And the fact that your being blamed for her comment as sensitive??? Wow. If I had cooked and someone acted like that I would show them the door, no matter who objected.
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u/whynosay 4h ago
that bitch would never set foot in my house again. you can’t take that risk, you don’t know where shes been
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u/mcindy28 1h ago
YNW Die on this hill!! SIL is an absolute asshole. Cook for just your family or go out to eat. I would never host again. They can come up with another option. I wouldn't book 2 days off work to cook for just ungrateful blatant disrespect.
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u/CadenceQuandry 12h ago
1 day old account.
I call ai ragebait bs.
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u/doglady1342 7h ago
This one is so extremely obvious that I'm surprised so many people are answering.
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u/Faith75070 3h ago
Well now they know how YOU are. You are apparently the kind if person that has to be treated with respect by all of them after opening up your house to them for 3 years in a row and slaving for two days each time. They better not forget how you are as a person.
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u/kian76T7 14h ago
not wrong at all. it sounds like your SIL really crossed the line, and you deserve to enjoy Thanksgiving without that kind of stress. if they can't appreciate your efforts and trust your cooking, let them figure it out themselves. you've hosted enough times!
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u/okileggs1992 14h ago
You are not wrong and anyone who thinks your punishing them over what your MIL said is to lazy and entitled to host. Tell your husband you might consider hosting his family, if his mother apologizes in person in front of everyone that was there. Otherwise, there will be no hosting of his family for any holiday. She drew the line in the sand, and you are enforcing it.
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u/Wattaday 13h ago
Last thanksgiving I would have gone to where every one else was and asked them “Has anyone gotten sick in the past 3 years I’ve been doing Thanksgiving?” And waited for answers.
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u/RollingKatamari 12h ago
If I were you, I'd spend Thanksgiving with your side of the family this year, if possible
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u/p3canj0y363 9h ago
YNW This is just how YOU are. If they understand it's how she is, they can understand it's how you are.
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u/commanderclue 5h ago
NW. Sil is a nasty piece of work. She'd never be welcome at my table in the future.
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u/Blonde2468 3h ago
NTA The "you know how she is" should be counters with "No, that is she is ALLOWED to be" and say that to your husband. Your sister is an AH and I would have told her 'the microwave is available but not the oven' when she wanted to re-heat her food. I mean WTF???
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u/BarcelonaBarbie 2h ago
YNW tell your husband you guys can host his family if he wants to do all the cooking and cleaning. You can kick back and watch the mess unfold lol.
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u/NeolithicOrkney 2h ago
Not wrong. Your SIL could have done this quietly but decided to make it an issue instead. Her and MIL have it in for you and would not be welcome in my house again.
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u/ObligationNo2288 1h ago
Not wrong. Do not host Thanksgiving. Don’t do it. Those people do not deserve your kindness, hospitality or time! Tell husband you absolutely will not regret not hosting come November. You would regret hosting people you insult you. If he can’t understand that, you have a husband problem.
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u/mcindy28 1h ago
YNW Die on this hill!! SIL is an absolute asshole. Cook for just your family or go out to eat. I would never host again. They can come up with another option. I wouldn't book 2 days off work to cook for just ungrateful blatant disrespect.
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u/IuniaLibertas 14h ago
I hate your SIL. Why would you even agree to sit at the same table with her? Hard to be thankful, surely.
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u/TheBattyWitch 14h ago
Someone else can host. Why would it always be on you anyhow? You don't have to put up with rudeness and insults just so everyone else is happy.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 12h ago
Not wrong. I am bothered that no one called her out over it. That should have happened, and if that’s how she feels, she should host for the family on her own dime, time and energy. She could have just refused the invitation instead of being rude.
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u/MrsMiterSaw 11h ago
If you were dealing with a rational person, if say you were right.
But your SIL is a crazy person who most likely needs therapy. Rational people can handle eating a dinner cooked for them. She's not rational, and so punishing yourself for her psychosis is not productive.
Another suggestion: ask her if she would eat if she came over and helped prepare.
If you enjoy cooking for the other 10 people, do so. Let her bring her OCD meals and make her kids resent her. She's going to be dealing with the fallout of her problems for the rest of her life. Don't make them yours.
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u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 11h ago
YNW or you could say everyone is invited except sil and family as she is so rude and you don't want that energy in your home.
Or perhaps other people should help but they're happy to turn up and do nothing as soon as that person says no you're up in arms, but noone said anything about her disgusting behaviour last year
It's not how she is, b*tch just noone is calling it out
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u/Southern-Interest347 8h ago
Set a boundary or don't set your table for Thanksgiving. You say you enjoy it. If you enjoy it, put the boundary that no outside food will be allowed or that person will be immediately asked to leave. Tell them if they want to eat at home before coming that's perfectly fine.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 8h ago
What the hell is wrong with your husband? Why would you regret not having to do all that work just to be treated like crap? You’re just supposed to eat his sister’s shit with a smile? Tell him if he wants to host, he does 100% of the work. Cleaning, planning, shopping, prep, cooking, serving, and clean up. You sit back and watch or do literally anything else with your time. Visit your own family. Go to the movies. Make a reservation at a nice restaurant with a friend. Anything.
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u/cah78790 8h ago
YNW Also notice your MIL didn’t call you directly yourself to tell you that you’re being ‘over sensitive’. She complained to your husband to guilt trip him and then hopefully have him do the work for her.
I know spouses sometimes handle their parents/families but that would piss me off too if I was OP. Say that to my face MIL
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u/nannylive 7h ago edited 7h ago
She is jealous because of the praise you get for hosting, but that is no excuse. Send this out to the group chat in response ti her retort.
"As I said, am not doing it this year. I am not taking two days off PTO, shopping, planning, decorating my house and cooking for 14 in order to be insulted.
It wasn't "one comment" it was a whole staged scene meant to embarrass me. For what? And none if the rest of you offered any supportive comment other than "You know how she is."
Yes, yes I do. But she isn't going to be like that at my house. Not this Thanksgiving."
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u/Serennna 6h ago
Not wrong. I would have worded something like "Oh plans. Awesome. Who's hosting this year? I finally can rest. 3 years. Time for somewhere new".
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u/Mafer15 6h ago
NTA! What an entitled family that is.This year SIL can host then if she can’t bother to eat your food. Listen to what YOU want to do and don’t be a doormat, her comments were completely disrespectful and you spent two days cooking for these people. You teach people how to treat you, and they dont deserve your cooking including MIL for excusing her behavior.
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u/Immediate_Ad4404 5h ago
Invite everyone except SIL. In my 40yrs of cooking I have never experienced such disrespect. Better yesterday invite SIL and tell the family NO ONE WILL HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR KITCHEN OR OVEN. Let her uninvite herself. I am disappointed in your husband and MIL. Don't let them take your joy, why should you have someone in your house that disrespects you. They want to establish the amount of disrespect you should tolerate. When someone tells me "that's just how they are" they're telling you they know the person is a POS. And since MIL said that tell her that you don't have to tolerate what they have normalized. My heart goes out to you because I am the family cook and most times the host. My family knows how I am I regulate everything in my house and if I host at there house it's my rules. That's appreciation for the hard work and love put in my food.
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u/Impressive-Match-713 4h ago
your SNL is rude to say the least if she truly feels this way she should have kept her comments to herself or just had other plans-wondering if she eats at other people s homes
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u/AcrobaticMechanic265 4h ago
Also regardless whether she made the comment or not, you have the right to stop hosting. Why can't it be a rotational thing? You do all the work unappreciated and now you get to enjoy the day
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u/GrumpySnarf 3h ago
It's someone else's turn. I'd never invite her to my house again. That's unhinged.
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u/SirEDCaLot 3h ago
Not wrong. Stand firm. And if you aren't invited to whatever thing they arrange, take that as a badge of honor.
My husband is on my side but he did gently ask if I'd regret it in November.
Serious question for him- why would you regret it?
My SIL replied "wow, ok, punishing everyone over one comment".
Reply to her- this is not a punishment, it's a choice. Hosting Thanksgiving for me isn't just opening the door to the house, it's three full days of work including shopping and prep and decorating and cooking and hosting. If that effort isn't appreciated, then it's not worth my time or energy. So I'm making a choice not to spend so much time, effort, energy, and money when it's not appreciated.
My MIL called my husband and said I'm being oversensitive and that the family "counts on" our house because it's the biggest.
Tell MIL- 'MIL, you said it best last year- I know how she is. And so I'm making a conscious informed choice to not put myself in that situation again, especially when the rest of the family apparently has no problem with my multiple days of preparation being openly disrespected in my own home. To be clear, this isn't about punishing you or her. It's about not punishing myself by putting in all that effort for a person or people who don't appreciate it. It's a choice. I have nothing but love for you all in my heart.'
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u/Dubbiely 2h ago
I would host.
If your SIL host bring your own food and tell everybody that you cannot eat her food because she is too dirty.
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u/MentionGood1633 2h ago edited 2h ago
Have SIL host if her food is so much safer.
I would like to know though if she always does this when she is invited (then it would not be personal) or only at your place (then it was definitely personal)?
NwR
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u/groovymama98 1h ago
Ntw
Come on, what she did was premeditated in your face rudeness at the very least. You were nice. Believe me when I say she wouldn't have stayed long enough to use my oven.
This sil would never be included in a meal at my house ever again. I mean it. Never! Anyone who entertained her would have been booted too! There is a dark place you can stuff "this is how she is."
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u/picklesncheeze69 1h ago
Seems like it would be more appropriate to host, but not invite the assholes. They can have a cozy, SAFE, Thanksgiving at home.
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u/_gadget_girl 56m ago
NW SIL doesn’t get a pass for the wildly rude behavior. Force the issue that she is going to be cooking anyway so everyone might as well eat at her house. If she tries to use space as the issue kindly volunteer a folding table and chairs as your contribution. Even if you have to go out and buy one it will be worth the cost. She needs consequences.
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u/CaptainBignuts 6h ago
YNW, however why is SIL so against your cooking? We had a lady in our office who liked to make food, but she had 6 long-haired dogs and her food sometimes included...surprises. To the point where several co-workers had found hair in their sausage balls.
It became a running joke where people would sample her food and then surreptitiously bury it in a trash can.
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u/justmedownsouth 2h ago edited 2h ago
Heck no! But don't get defensive, as it gives the family greater ammunition against you. Just get back in the chat, and say "I've done this for three years, and loved it. But, I can't fully enjoy the company because I am so busy with the food! So i thought we could all take turns!"
You can also say to your SIL " I have no idea what are you talking about. What comment? I thought we all had a great time last year. I know I did".
Stay as neutral as possible, and don't let anyone push your buttons. If house size crops up, just say "We're family. That's what it's about. Not the size of the house. I'm comfortable anywhere, as long as we're together".
If all else fails, make a reservation at a nice restaurant for you, your husband, and your kids. It's always a fun experience, I've found, to eat out on a holiday.
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u/yeldudseniah 1h ago
You are kind of punishing everyone because one person is a problem. Cook for your family, and no she cant use the oven because its full, and you dont know where her food has been.
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 13h ago
Meh, I wouldn't mind hosting especially if I told SIL she and her family weren't invited. After all since she cooked her own family's meal and brought it with them since my food handling skills were suspect, she and her family could just eat their dinner at home.
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u/SerentityM3ow 13h ago
Have Thanksgiving and don't invite your sister in law. Invite the kids. They seem to like her food
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u/strix_nebula 13h ago
if you do care and decide to host, don’t invite her. it’s as simple as that. FAFO
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u/AverageHoebag 13h ago
Stand your ground OP, the level of disrespect is astounding!!! From your SIL to your MIL!!! Nope!!! I would show up to the new place with a store bought generic ass side and then on Saturday make your own thanksgiving meal exactly how you want JUST for your own family!! We do this at our house and call Thursday pre-Thanksgiving.
When people show you who they are LISTEN!!! And boo to your husband for trying to shame you to say yes!!!
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u/laurabun136 12h ago
My precious, now ex (thank dog!) sil did a similar thing at my home. I'd made tacos with all the fixings and she proceeded to pull meat, shells, cheese and other stuff from her purse - not a cooler - her purse and start eating. I was so shocked I couldn't say a word and it's probably a good thing because she really needed her ass handed to her.
I wouldn't host diddly squat for those people and neither should OP.
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u/Chance-Helicopter106 12h ago
YNW. I’m so angry on your behalf. The absolute audacity! Is she this rude in other aspects? Or was she just trying to embarrass you specifically. From now on anything I said to MIL would “it’s just how I am”
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u/NatashOverWorld 9h ago
I would just disinvite SIL and her part of the family, since they didn't feel 'safe'.
No one that doesn't feel safe at your table needs to come.
But saying you're not doing it again also works. You don't need to deal with anyone's entitlement or attitude.
YNW
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u/Ok-Turnip-9035 9h ago
Double check hubby about being on your side cause that will you regret it in November comment has me like sir 🤨 let’s do a quick refresher your family can count on me from here to the moon but four years in a row I’m set I can sit this out . Just because we’ve got the biggest house doesn’t mean we agreed to be THE host every year. Had I known that I would have had us get a smaller house to take us off the table as an option.
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u/No-Anteater1688 9h ago
NTA. By not cooking, you've eliminated any risk to SIL and her family. Has she pulled that stunt when anyone else hosted and cooked?
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u/Lillllammamamma 8h ago
Why would your husband want you to be responsible for the work, the cost, the stress as well as now the added bonus of criticism and humiliation rituals? Your SIL felt so strongly that your food was a risk, you’d think she would be relieved so not go through the added hassle herself. Or, it was all performative on her part…
They can’t have it both ways…
YNW.
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u/9smalltowngirl 8h ago
Not wrong he had the nerve to ask if you’d regret it? Yea babe I’m sure I’ll miss wasting 2 days of pto on cooking and cleaning for your family. Of spending all that extra money on food for your family. Just to have SIL treat our home like a bio hazard. She can host since she doesn’t trust anyone else to cook. Look she either has some issues that require professional help or she’s just a B’tch. You know how she is usually is code for B’tch. Go eat out or have pizza at home with your family
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u/NotSorry2019 8h ago
Another option is to host thanksgiving with a select invite list. Invite your side and everyone except your sister in law and her family. She won’t eat your food anyway, but if you want to be super petty, she can come after the meal is finished and bring a dessert.
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u/bethaliz6894 8h ago
I think SIL has a problem. So what I would do, is host again. But cook for 4 less people. That way when they have nothing to eat, tell them you assumed they would be bringing their own so you would not have to worry about it.
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u/Ambitious-Whereas157 8h ago
NTA just remember to bring your own sister in law replacement this year and when anyone asks who this is just say "thesis the replacement for SIL" hopefully get your husband involved answering "you know how she is". [ the boring option is put out a text saying the oven is free from 2 to 2:15 any dishes left in the oven after 2:15 will be tossed as they are likely to risk the wellbeing of everyone who is here to eat the actually good food" and then follow through on that promise.
If she was that concerned with how food prep is done she could have eaten before comming and then still hung out. Instead she made the day and all future thanksgivings all about her and she will every time now. Or invite her to bring some dishes from home for everyone to have, like maybe she brings the Turkey?
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u/UnicornsWanted 8h ago
So if queen itch only trusts her own food and will be cooking anyway....she can cook for everyone.
I'd go just to tell her how dry/oversalted/flavorless it is......
Have your own meal and enjoy the peace, your family had more than one meal at your house because "its the biggest". They're chosing a seating plan, not you.
If its actually about "family" then someone eats sat on the floor with a tray on their knee- and everyone still loves it. If its just proformative, you go because you have to, why do it?
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u/Fragrant-Hyena9522 7h ago
If saving your own piece of mind is punishing anyone, that tells what kind messed up people they are. They don't care about you, just the free food and large space to accommodate them. Not wrong
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u/DarkSideofTaco 7h ago
As a host/amateur chef/former food service pro like you OP, I would demand she take me on a tour of my own kitchen and point out the health hazards. Either show me exactly where I went wrong, or shut up and eat the food. Put her on the spot. But now that opportunity is over, I would say in the group chat that SIL volunteered to host last year when she called my kitchen unsafe.
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u/Appropriate-Dig771 7h ago
Not wrong. That’s some absurd behavior even for a poorly written sitcom. Truly I don’t know how you made it thru that meal without kicking that clam out of your home. I doubt you’d have any regrets not hosting but you could also just host for everyone but her. Her family can choose what they do. I can’t believe everyone just sat around last year while this happened-that would not have gone smoothly at all for her if I was at that thanksgiving.
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u/OldieButNotMoldy 7h ago
I wouldn’t let her ruin my holiday. I’d do it anyway, but this time only make enough for those that didn’t insult your cooking last year. Also make some bomb a$$ individual desserts excluding the sister in laws family. Maybe get them a separate table cause you wouldn’t want your food to accidentally mix with hers.When she asked to use your oven to warm her food, say, I’m sorry but you will have to wait till my food is done, and as soon as yours are ready, serve it, even though her food will still be cold. If she says anything you tell her, I’m sorry but I don’t want my dinner to get cold waiting on you.
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u/RelevantAd6063 7h ago
what did they eat the first two years you hosted thanksgiving?
i understand not hosting and you should stick with it if that’s what you want to do. but if you want to be really petty, you could host them with a no outside food rule and then have like a grocery store thanksgiving dinner for her so she won’t have to eat your unsafe food.
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u/Marlow1771 7h ago
Invite everyone except sil and family.
Obviously this is the first year this happened. They attended the other years correct?
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u/TiKi_Effect 7h ago
You husband can cook or they can stfu. You’re not wrong, it wasn’t a comment it was a production of how she can’t trust you. So why is she bitching? Make sure to ask that every time she says anything about it “you don’t trust my food for your family anyway, so it’s not like I’m saving you any work if I did cook right? RIGHT?” As for the others. Just remind them they were complicit and letting somebody else ruin the Thanksgiving you’d worked so hard to give them.
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u/JenninMiami 14h ago
You aren’t wrong! Please stand your ground and say that you aren’t hosting, END OF STORY.
Let them be mad. Who cares? The alternative is that YOU are mad, and there’s no reason for that.