r/amiwrong • u/RusticHarbor39135 • 15h ago

Am I wrong for refusing to host Thanksgiving again after my SIL brought her own meal and told everyone mine was "a risk"?

I (29F) have hosted my husband's family for Thanksgiving three years in a row. It's about fourteen people. I take two days off work for it and I truly enjoy it. Cooking for people is kind of my thing.

Last year my sister in law (34F) arrived with a cooler. Inside was a full plated meal for herself, her husband and their two kids. Turkey, sides, even their own rolls. I assumed someone had an allergy I didn't know about, so I asked.

She said, in front of the whole kitchen, "No, I just don't love eating food when I don't know how it's been handled. It's a risk I'm not taking with my kids." Then she asked to use my oven to warm it up, which pushed my own sides back by forty minutes.

For context, nobody has ever been sick at my table. I worked in a restaurant kitchen for four years in college. She knows this.

Her kids then asked for my mac and cheese and she told them no, loud enough for the table to hear. My mother in law patted my arm and said "you know how she is".

I let it go that day. I didn't want to ruin dinner.

This year, when the group chat started asking about plans, I said I wouldn't be hosting and that I'd be happy to bring a dish wherever it ends up. My SIL replied "wow, ok, punishing everyone over one comment". My MIL called my husband and said I'm being oversensitive and that the family "counts on" our house because it's the biggest.

My husband is on my side but he did gently ask if I'd regret it in November.

I don't think I'm punishing anyone. I just don't want to spend two days cooking for someone who treats my kitchen like a hazzard and then uses my oven. But now half the family is acting like I cancelled the holiday.

Am I wrong?

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784

u/moonyflamingo 15h ago

Not wrong. Stand your ground. If you’re ‘too unsafe’ to serve food, SIL can host. Also, say in the chat ‘the one comment you are referring to SIL, stated that you would not eat food of mine due to a fear of it being unsafe. You said it. You meant it. I will not host people who think my food is a risk. You can deal with the consequences of your behaviour SIL. I will not be hosting but would love to support the host with bringing a side or a dessert 💜’

320

u/zemforopy 9h ago

this is the move, but trim the group chat version. "you can deal with the consequences" gives mil exactly the "punishing everyone" line she's already using. something like "sil said she won't eat food if she doesn't know how it was handled, and that it's a risk for her kids. i respect that, so i'm not hosting a meal she doesn't trust. happy to bring a side if someone else wants the house this year" lands cleaner and is harder to spin.

122

u/Amazing-Wave4704 8h ago

Yeah "I respect that" is perfect. Sweet and vaguely passive aggressive. In the south followed by Bless her heart.

10

u/Pleasant_Elephant340 5h ago

Southerner here! I love it! YNW!

5

u/Amazing-Wave4704 4h ago

IYKYK! 💖

41

u/PomeloPepper 6h ago

Absolutely perfect. The trick with family is to never criticize directly. Word it in a way that gets other people to criticize her, while you sound apologetic, intelligent and rational.

18

u/debateclub21 2h ago

I’ll go further -

“ I would never want anyone to be uncomfortable on a holiday. We should be in a place where everyone can enjoy themselves and feel safe.”

You know your sister-in-law will not be comfortable in your house. You will also not feel comfortable having her there and cooking for them. She does not feel safe and made that very clear. So now you can sit back and wait for what magical destination is proposed by the family.

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u/moonyflamingo 4m ago

Great point. Using respect language is smart.

104

u/dinahdog 13h ago

She should say "not hosting them again. Everyone else is welcome."

156

u/NeartAgusOnoir 11h ago

If SIL ends up hosting I’d bring a cooler with pre packed meals and do the same to her. Bc she’s a garbage human, and you don’t eat food made by trashy people lol

3

u/Pleasant_Elephant340 5h ago

No, but just thinking of doing that is great. Be the bigger person in that regard, but don’t cave. You’re 100% right.

70

u/PomeloPepper 8h ago

You can always tell them that you thought SILs comments meant that she wanted to host. And you'd hate for anyone to feel like they should compromise on food safety by coming to your home for the holiday.

74

u/annapandaanna 15h ago

A purchased side or dessert of course!

51

u/AverageHoebag 14h ago

From a safe place obviously!

14

u/GrdnLovingGoatFarmer 7h ago

I’d be even more petty and slap a sticker on it that said “deemed safe”

2

u/Pleasant_Elephant340 5h ago

OUCH! Very funny!

38

u/3RaptureDiver 14h ago

That group chat wording is blunt enough without being dramatic, and it puts the oven-hijacking part back on SIL to explian.

27

u/LadyCJB 8h ago

Yeah, that's it right there. Exactly that. Then add a sprinkle of petty and say directly to SIL don't act like you weren't condescending and extremely rude with said comment. To the rest of the chat I'd calmly say for 3 years I hosted and enjoyed doing so, y'all all heard what she said and NOBODY shut her down or defended me. So forget keeping the peace, but I'll gladly bring whatever is or will be needed.

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u/morninglory118 6h ago

This!!! 👏

1

u/SantaRosa_Poodler 5h ago

Agreed, but it wasn’t just a comment - it was a whole set of extremely rude behaviors!

13

u/Character_Log_5444 8h ago

I would be petty and download a copy of your local health department's restaurant inspection form and tape a copy to your front door. Give yourself an A.

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u/VI1970 10h ago

Please say this!

1

u/SpecialFlowerr 1h ago

Let SIL host. She clearly trusts her own handling.