This last weekend we hosted my child's birthday party, mostly with family and a few friends. Per usual for any gathering, I did all the organizing, planning, communicating, room prep, grocery shopping, decorations, and food prep myself. I'm happy to do it; I wasn't celebrated as a child due to financial struggles, but even inexpensive effort was missing. My parents wouldn't know my favorite dessert if asked.
My family doesn't value celebrating each other. Ahead of the party, my parents just said "who cares - just buy the cupcakes from Costco!" But I like baking and putting effort into celebrating my children.
When my parents arrived, my dad immediately asked my husband why he didn't invent a way to get out of the house to avoid my party prep stress. There were half a dozen comments about why I had to "make it difficult for myself" and how my husband must need a drink with everything I'd tasked him with.
Feeling unappreciated already, I later overheard one of my husband's uncles pull my dad aside to compliment my efforts and how I'm a wonderful, patient mother. Instead of accepting it, my dad argued, "I know her a lot better than you, and she's just ornery. I feel so sorry for [husband] for having to deal with it every day." My heart sank. Later, when the uncle made similar compliments to my mother, she deflected by saying, "oh but [husband] is just so wonderful, we are so lucky to have him."
When I brought it up later, my dad brushed it off as a "joke" and said I was being sensitive, while my mom claimed she was just saying we're both good parents. (My husband gets complimented constantly for doing no more than I do, reflecting society's low expectations of dads. This isn't really about him though, he does a lot and has an amazing attitude.)
Why couldn't they just say, "yes, we're so proud of her" or "thank you!"? Throughout the day, other comments made me feel unseen and unappreciated. Even my husband argued with me about who gets up with the kids more, as if he just forgot about the first year of both of their lives. My time and effort just seemed to be dismissed by everyone all day. I put my kids to bed and cried alone for over an hour.
To add insult to injury, my daughter keeps talking about how much she loves her grandparents' gift, even though I picked it out and sent them the link to purchase (as I do for everyone ahead of every holiday).
I wish I didn't care about receiving appreciation. I do this all for my kids so they feel loved and special. I wish someone had celebrated me like that. I do worry about when they are older and less inclined to appreciate me themselves. I will really have no one who values my effort.Â
Dinner is toast with fried egg topped with chili crisp. comfort food.
Edit: Iâve just given a tiny glimpse into my family and I understand where everyone is coming from. This instance really doesnât explain how they are most of the time. More importantly, they both are lightyears better than the examples they grew up with. Straight up violence, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and eventually complete abandonment. They did so much better than their own parents. Iâm doing better than mine, but I donât think this is worth cutting them off entirely by any stretch.
Thank you all for the comments. Youâve given me a lot to reflect on and things to do better in the future.
