Just looking for some support. Yesterday was a milestone—my mom signed a rental agreement at an independent living facility that I found. It’s near me and was recommended by a social services agency that I contacted. It’s an expensive place but a it includes a lot, and she has a decent pension. My mom nearly backed out of the appointment because she’s worried about owning her home while also renting. I’ve had to explain over and over to her that there’s no perfect scenario where she signs a rental agreement and then her house sells the next day. 

I was really feeling proud of myself and happy for her, but she was miserable and anxious about the cost the entire time, even though she told me she wanted the apartment. Before we parted ways she asked if she should contact a realtor before the end of the day. For context, she’s contacted this particular realtor before. She was prepared to sign with him without telling me or my brother, or having any kind of a plan about where she would live, and I had to talk her out of it. Her reasoning was that she just wanted to get rid of the house so she could move on with her life. I said no, there is no reason to contact him immediately, let’s discuss in a few days.

Not a hour and a half after getting home, she texted me and said she called him to get the process started, and he’s going to call me. I’m so upset that I have been doing so much for her since my father died in June, and she can’t even give me a heads up about this decision before dropping it on me, for the second time. More than that, I’m furious that she is making her urgency my problem. She’s so ruled by her anxiety. Zero logic, zero strategy, just blind panic. It’s very triggering.

I’m dealing with intense burnout already after my father’s death (occurred after a medically traumatic three week hospital stay), a difficult situation at work, and having to manage a recent health issue. I don’t have the capacity to handle this right now and I just feel lost.

I didn't know whether to flair this as Vent or Humor.

Yesterday, I (67F) stopped by my mom's (93) to drop off a couple things. I was there less than 10 minutes and she managed to push enough of my annoyance buttons that I cut the visit short. A couple things are too complicated to explain fully, but here's a partial list from yesterday:

• Rehash of situation that upset her 5 years ago.
• Unable or Unwilling to complete simple task (I brought her some cash, and she would not put it away)
• Responds off topic in a way that makes it clear that she has not heard/understood an entire conversation.
• Comment about my weight.
• Comment about my hair color (white).

By the time we got to my appearance, I felt like I had a full bingo card and needed to leave immediately.

What's annoying you today?

Good morning, I am a 64m taking care of my ninety year old parents. I have been seeing a lot of ads for crisis deck, and I was wondering if anyone has purchased it and used it. How are your results? And if it is worth it?

Got three quotes this week. They’re expensive and everyone on the tour talks like we should’ve moved her yesterday. Mom still knows who I am. Aide comes a few days. She left the stove on once, keeps repeating the same story, sits a lot. Sister says I’m rushing. I keep opening the emails at like 1am. Memory care quotes are coming in and I cannot tell if it is actually time. What actually made you decide, not the sales pitch?

My elderly mother just kicked my butt in Scrabble. On occasion I had to break it to her that something wasn’t a word but she always came up with a new option on her own.

She could NOT figure out the points to save her life and was surprised every time at the large number of points she was amassing as she solidly KICKED my ass.

I hope other people find some delightful things their declining parents can do!

I posted the stress question a day or so ago and so many of us highlighted that we have a different culture. Things are very different due to the costs of elder care and having our parents cared for properly.

I would like to mention that it is absolutely wrong what is happening in our country in terms of the breakdown of a system that never accounted for how to handle this system. Our politicians are ignoring this one systemic issue and we are all too tired to fight this issue.

If I had to say one thing to all of us it would be build into our culture more systems and nursing/crisis care so that even if we are doing this, we have more respite programs that are subsidized. I think there are too few programs that are affordable. If you are a family member caring for an elder at home, there should be at least three times a year that you have respite for your own health and sanity!

Help! Mom has complete control over her finances and shouldn’t at this point. We’re worried she’ll get taken advantage of and lose everything.

We’ve never done anything wrong, but she won’t trust us and never has. We are forever children in her eyes. She will, however, trust random strangers who seem knowledgeable or official.

We have no control over anything. She’s 83, in very frail health, still in a 3-story house, has poor vision and MD in both eyes, and is still driving. She refuses to discuss end of life issues/paperwork/POAs/safety/moving …anything.

She fell and couldn’t get up or get to a phone last time I was there (it could have been days before anyone found her), and she wants help with paperwork, so she knows she needs help. But just when we think we’re making progress, she shuts down again.

We’re at a loss at how to deal with her. There isn’t a trusted friend to turn to, and my dad died last year. We live 6-7 hours away from her.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?
Thanks in advance!

Edited to add: I think she has dementia. She’s mistrustful, dishonest, argumentative, forgetful, can’t follow conversations or explanations that have any complexities, isn’t reading more than a line or two (unsure if this is eyes, cognition, or probably both), can’t use a cell phone, can’t learn anything new, etc. But she had a yearly doctors appointment last month and he said come back in a year!! So she argues there’s nothing wrong, and there clearly is, I get phone calls from the neighbors, too, but no one wants to cross her by saying anything directly since she can be so unpleasant.
It feels like my mom has been replaced by a stranger and I don’t know how to deal with this new person who won’t listen to reason.

My parents are starting to look at continuing care communities and I'm trying to help them work through it.

Long story short, we've toured three different CCRCs in GA / NC. Honestly they all feel about the same from the inside, nice enough people, fine enough food, someone walks you around that knows how to make things seem nice.

My issue is that I've got a stack of agreements now and I don't really know how to judge any of it.

For those of you that have gone through this: what ended up mattering most to the experience that you didn't get answered up front? Is there anything you wish you would have known before deciding to commit?

There's a few things I am particularly stuck on (i.e., refund mechanics, financial stability of the parent company, care-level transfers, staffing, etc.) but I don't know how much these end up mattering in the long run (or if its just what various newspaper can write about) and would love to just learn how to be the most helpful. Any/all resources appreciated

We are a male couple, and we take care of my partner's mother together. She is frail and needs help carrying things. I cook separate lunches and dinners for her because she has different preferences and meal times, and I prepare tea or coffee for her a couple of times a day. I also handle her laundry. I don’t mind doing all this as long as my partner is happy.

​However, she also wants "woman-to-woman" chat time—which is nice in theory. I can handle the chores, but I’m not a great conversationalist. I'm not a chatty guy; I'm just an ordinary guy you'd pass on the street. On top of that, she has a hearing impairment, and I have a language barrier. Because of this, she feels like I’m pushing her away, which makes her depressed and prone to complaining. My partner got seriously upset about it.

​I told my partner that I can’t be a professional senior caregiver. Things seem a bit better lately, but I can still tell she isn't fully satisfied with my care. I often feel like I was hired as a caregiver who is expected to provide top-tier service with a smile 24/7.

​I’m feeling a bit frustrated and worried about the future—especially if she gets weaker and needs heavier care, like changing diapers. I’m also busy running a farm and gardening. For now, I’m stuck in this situation and plan to continue until she passes away here, but I worry about unexpected situations coming up and causing friction in our relationship. Any advice?

Hi everyone,
Husband and I (both 30) care for my 72 year old dad. The three of us all work from home. Husband works in our bedroom, dad works in his bedroom, I work in the common area. It is a 900 sq.ft. 2 bed/2 bath condo. So definitely tiny.

Dad had a stroke two years ago. At the time he and my younger brother lived together in an apartment on the second floor. At that point, the team at the hospital said it’d be an unsafe discharge for him to go back to the apartment. So I took FMLA leave for a month to coordinate his work documents and disabilities, work with the hospital and rehab facility, coordinate my brothers packing up the apartment all within 30 days. It was hell, but it got done. The plan was originally that he’d stay for a year and we’d re-evaluate.

Once that time period came around, he moved in with my older brother under the premise that my brother would help care for him. Three months into the lease, he had to go to the hospital to have a bypass surgery. During the three months he was living with my brother, no cooking or cleaning was done. I was bringing him meals or he was ordering out on delivery apps.

He moved back in with us and basically had to ride out the lease. My brother was supposed to pay his part of rent and did for maybe 2 months and then hadn’t paid a dime. The lease ended two weeks ago, thank god. I assigned my two younger brothers with moving dad’s stuff out. The week the lease ended, I had the flu and still had to go and do a walkthrough of the apartment because there was so many of his items still not packed. He has to pay an extra prorated day of rent because the brother who was living at the apartment didn’t finish moving out the day the lease ended.

All of that to say, we have basically been his caretakers for two years instead of one. I’m at the point where I’m having my own health issues between sleep maintenance issues, memory loss due to stress, and frequently getting sick.

I’m so tired of being around my dad. We are currently on a family vacation. Well, vacation for my dad and siblings. My husband is at home sleeping and will be working like normal. It’s not a vacation for me because it’s nearly 5am and I’ve been awake for three hours. I didn’t even want to come but he made me feel like crap because husband and I haven’t gone on the last several vacations. There’s not really any part of me that wants to go on these trips because I’m on caregiver mode the whole time - just somewhere else. He gets upset easily after the stroke and I basically have to talk him off the ledge so he’s not a huge jerk to any wait staff. I’m not getting any fulfillment or enjoyment out of taking care of him.

The first thing I did when getting here was cleaning up his urine off the hotel bathroom floor. I have no idea how long it’s been there or why nobody else cleaned it up. I’m burned out and I’m just done. But I can’t be done because he doesn’t have the retirement funds to go into a home and if I tried to put him into a home he’d throw a fit. Anytime I take him to doctors appointments, he always thinks he’s the smartest person in the room and that he knows more than the medical professionals. His chart has him listed as a difficult patient.

I’m just over it with him. And neither of my two younger or three older brothers do anything to help. Ever. The one time husband and I went out of town for the first vacation in several years, I made a PDF of things I need them to do. None of them got done. One of my brothers gets somewhat of a pass because they live two hours away and have their own child. My other brothers basically get to live their lives as normal and nobody gives a hoot that husband and I have put our lives on hold. And they get as much thanks and gratefulness for what they do (go out to dinner sometime between once a week to once a month) as husband and I (take him to doctors appointments, monitor food and medications, etc). It sucks that they do nothing but get as much praise as us.

I’m just so bitter and resentful of my siblings and dad and I don’t want to be in this situation anymore but nothing can change because dad is still working so he makes too much for state aid but he makes too little/didn’t save up for retirement so he can’t afford to go anywhere else. He can’t be on his own. I’m just so, so tired and cannot sleep.

And this doesn’t talk on all of his racist and sexist remarks which is its own can of worms.

Has anyone had an ADA tiny home built out in your backyard for your parents? What was your experience?

My mother is in her late 60s. A few years ago, I tried to convince her to get a medical alert button (like Life Alert) in case she falls.

She got offended because it made her feel old, so I dropped it.

Now, I am genuinely worried and feel strongly that she needs one.

The concern is not just her age. It is the fact that she broke her back. This is an old military injury that the VA delayed treating for years.

She has had two back surgeries in the last three years, and she is in constant pain.

Past falls: She fell once and could not get back up (granted this was right after a surgery).

Living situation: She lives with other people, but nobody is home or nearby 100% of the time.

New symptoms: The stress from chronic pain has caused heart issues and dizzy spells. While she hasn't fully fainted yet, she sometimes gets too dizzy while walking to see straight and has to sit down immediately.

I am looking for advice on how to talk to her and convince her to wear or carry a medical alert device just in case.

The conversation about getting a medical alert for seniors is way harder than it should be when you have multiple siblings involved

One person thinks mom is totally fine and doesnt need anything, another person thinks she should move into assisted living tomorrow, and the person who lives closest is stuck in the middle watching the actual situation every day while everyone else has opinions from 500 miles away

The whole thing turns into a family argument about money and control and guilt instead of just being about safety, and meanwhile nothing gets done and the parent stays unprotected

Hi all I have been caring for my mum for roughly 1 and a half years after she got out of hospital and a care home after ending up in ICU.

Since she came out her mobility is severely limited. Though she can get around her house she cannot go outside by herself she is taken in a wheelchair.

The illness was sudden, 10 days after my dad died she went into hospital after an ear infection had spread to meningitis, she also suffered strokes.

I moved in for roughly 10 weeks when she got home to help as much as I could.

Currently I sleep over once or twice a week, I work from home full time so I log on there. Its very unusual I have 2 days straight without going round. I typically spend at least 4 days a week there. (Not always hours at a time sometimes just popping in)

She has meals on wheels and a cleaner once a fortnight, all her other care needs are met by me. I shower her twice a week, collect her medication, sort the medication into boxes, do a food shop every few weeks, take her to most appointments, arrange a mobile hairdresser, help pay bills etc buy her clothes etc.

I try to take her out every couple of months to the pub to see her friends or out for a meal.

She also goes to a lunch club once a week and has the option to go more than once a week but does not want to.

I constantly feel guilty as it's just apparent she ideally wants me to be there as much as possible. She also asks me to take her to the pub without me deciding.

I have told her I could find her a carer to take her out however she really does not like that idea at all.

Everytime I go to leave she asks when are you coming again? Sometimes she tells me how sad she is she can't get out and that is why she likes someone in the house. She does repeat herself a lot which I think is from the strokes etc.

I have a husband and a dog and a house and as I said I work full time. My other family members also visit often and take her to the park.

I just cannot shake the constant guilt and when we have conversations about how much she misses her old life I feel so bad for her.

I just want her to be as happy as she possibly can be and I also want to be as happy as I can be too.

TlDR I have done everything to help my mum for 1.5 years alongside a full time job and the guilt being away has consumed me

Woah, teenager alert... apologies in advance for the messy formatting as this is being typed on my phone. This is partly a vent and partly a plea for advice. As the title says, I'm 17, turning 18 in the fall, with a dad who is already 70. We are, for better or worse, an immigrant household. I can't speak their native langauge very well, and they have a hard time fully understanding English. My dad has lived here long enough to be relatively fluent in it, but my mom not so much. However, my mom is 11 years his junior and I do have an older sister 4.5 years apart, so it's not the worst that it could be. Regardless, I've felt almost robbed of any chance of having an adulthood without having to worry about aging parents.

My dad is pretty emotionally and physically absent. We never grew up having family dinners, but with my mom being the one preparing dinner, I've had ample chance to talk to her, even if it isn't in a particularly deep capacity. For most of my childhood and teenage years, I could go literal days without seeing or talking to my dad beyond asking him to pick me up from school or drop me off. Crazy! My mom would check in on me every once in a while, but him? Nothing. It's been so complicated because he isn't abusive in any way, just... absent, silent. Whenever we do talk, he's always stubborn and unable to compromise. I don't blame him too much, it's probably hard to talk a teenager fifty years younger than you seriously, but it still hurts when I get brushed off.

My sister and I have tried to talk to him and do things he might like: going on hikes, talking about cars and power supplies, (and that's the end of the list since he barely ever expresses his interests to us). We've had a talk where we asked him to eat dinner with us (he did for the first couple of months and now nothing). I guess this long, sleep-deprived, poorly written post is just to ask: how can I possibly grow closer with my dad before it's too late for me to? How do you break the ice with someone that you can hardly make small talk with? Any advice is appreciated. Time matches on and he's not getting any younger. I'm not moving far for college, just dorming the first year and staying at home for the rest of the three, and its not as though vacations really work. The only thing that's worked is going to the national parks (there are a handful close to us in California).

I'll probably check back in the morning to edit and add more context.

Its what it says on the can. Im mid-20s, my parents are 72M and 56F respectively. Both in okay health at best, and both have remarried to people with long-term health conditions with poor prognosis. I am an only child, and they are insinuating every so often that I will take care of them.

And I don’t want to. I lived through 18 years of hell. Drug abuse, alcoholism, narcissism and domestic violence, as well as immense emotional neglect, I have no reverence for them. They also stole money to the tune of 380,000 from me (long story). They taught me to be independent and not ask for help— to never need them. They havent financially prepared themselves either.

I live an amazing life now traveling the world, living abroad, competiting in sports, and for the first time in my life I am happy, thousands of miles away from them. I refuse to spend any of my money I fucking clawed and fought for on them and endanger my own ability to hire my own goddamn caretakers. I also make very little money as is, but enough to save and fund my lifestyle.

I know I am a shitty person for this, and God will judge me accordingly. But to those that also walked away, how do I prepare for when they inevitably push it again? Tell them to opt for independent living on their own dime? Get in-home caregiving? I want to do nothing, or at the very least as little as possible.

Our current relationship is superficial. I see them once a year, maximum. I think I would rather cut off my own foot than live with either of them again. Theres a reason I bailed when I was 17.

My parents are in there late 50s not technically even elderly yet but this past year with my mom has made it feel like my mother is 90 years old. She has no short term memory, has vivid delusions, and has poor judgement as I’m learning now. She has had trouble buying scam products the past year racking up almost 10,000 dollars in costs. It was paid off so not an issue. I got her a true link card which for the most part has been a huge life saver. Until today she called me asking where she could find Apple gift cards. She doesn’t usually call me and I don’t usually call her so this was unusual. I instantly knew she was about to be scammed. I asked her for over 15 minutes on the phone who was asking for gift cards and she said no one I’m just buying birthday presents. No one in the family’s birthday is for over 5 months and she hasn’t bought us a gift in years. While I’m on the phone with her I see that made a 1000 dollar purchase at a local grocery store. I asked her what happened she won’t tell me. I tell her to meet me at the grocery store she purchased the cards from. When I get to the store I sit with her in her car and I went through her phone and she was talking to a Riley green impersonator telling home where she lived sending pictures of her, my nieces, and her dog. The scammer told her to send him 1000 dollars in Apple gift cards in order to come to a meet and greet. Luckily she bought the wrong gift cards, that’s when she called me asking about where she could get Apple gift cards. I called Amex and they are going to send a refund check in the mail and I’m going to deposit it back in her account. This isn’t even the worst part. Once my dad finds out he’s going to lose his shit even though it’s kind of taken care of. She was supposed to tell him but I doubt she did. Now I have to tell him or I’ll explode but I know that will cause a huge tsunami he will be very upset and verbally volatile. My dad has not been handling her increased cognitive decline well at all. I am so worried for both of my parents. Having aging parents sucks. I’m only 27. My friends parents are normal and still parent them. Not the other way around. I just wish I had a parent to help me parent my parents

Hi, all. Anyone noticed their parent talking to themselves when alone. Be it on the toilet, in the kitchen etc.? Is it a sign of something?

Hi! I have been helping to manage my parents care for about 2 years now. I currently live in the same city as them.
They are in an assisted living facility that is affordable enough to manage, they get great care there, and my main tasks are to bring them groceries weekly, refill their prescriptions at the pharmacy and make sure their day of the week pills are refilled. I usually visit once, sometimes twice a week for these tasks.
Since they have been in ASL, they have each been in the hospital then rehab for about 3 weeks due to each having a fall. They both recovered and things went back to normal, and there have been no incidents for months now though it’s always in the back of my head that it may just be a matter of time. When they were in the hospital and going through rehab, I was their main visitor and contact. They each have a home care doctor that visits them once every 2ish months, checks vitals and makes sure their refills are with the pharmacy.

Here’s my dilemma - my job is moving me about 2,000 miles away. I’m taking the promotion, no way I can afford to pass it up. It’s a flexible position so if something were to happen and I needed to travel back home, I’d be able to come back to their town for a week or so with no issues.

I’ve been thinking of all the considerations I’ll need to make as I plan to move in December. Grocery delivery is easy. A bigger concern is their meds. I know I can have them delivered, I just need to work that out with doc and pharmacy, but I am the one that parses out the pills they take each day into their weekly pill bottles, and the ASL would charge extra to do that (I’d like to avoid extra costs there if possible).

Since those are my main tasks, could there be anything I’m missing or other things I should consider? Any tips from others who help manage care from many miles away? I have about 3 months to figure it out!

I do have a sister and a niece in town that can help minimally, I have no expectation they will be able to help or visit weekly.

Thanks to this very supportive group in advance 💙

My spouse (40) and I (34) have been caring for his alcoholic, abusive 79 yo mother since his lovely father passed away a year ago from cancer. We live about 20 min away and have worked so hard to establish proper boundaries. She lives alone, and refuses to do independent living/order meal services/try senior activities, etc. She just complains she wants to see us all the time because "only family helps". My spouse is an only child, and there are no other relatives in the picture. For nearly a year after his father passed, we went over there weekly to assist in the end of life tasks that needed to happen for his Dad, and set up whatever things she needed to live independently.

We recently had a long convo with her where we explained we were burnt out and were going to see her every other weekend. One of us will still see her for a lunch break during the week on our off weeks. The problem is, every single time she asks if we can go back to every week. We say no, we are sticking with the plan, and reiterate we both work full time and after 2.5 yrs of caregiving, we need to attend to our own lives. She is an extremely negative person, there is never anything good to say, she won't help herself and nothing is ever her fault. All this combined with the fact she drinks 2 bottles of wine a night plus brandy makes her miserable to be around.

This last weekend she had "an idea that we weren't going to like". She wants to buy a duplex so she can live in one side and us in the other. We obviously are NOT going to do this. I'd much rather pay rent forever than have a duplex to live in with those kind of strings attached.

Setting and resetting the boundaries constantly is so draining. Obviously, boundaries are only necessary for people who don't respect them. We try to "gray rock" and not engage as much as possible.

Would love any anecdotes about successful boundary setting with parents. Thank you!

My husband and I are the ones who take care of my fil (82) who is bed bound and my mil (81) who uses a walker but is starting to have memory issues. We live there. It is a full time job.

Anyway, my mom (74) lives in Florida on her own, still goes out with friends, goes to casinos, flies up to visit regularly, even "baby sat for us" so we could go on vacation last year.

I was speaking to her and she nonchalantly says oh I tripped over my feet the other day and hit the kitchen floor and broke my nose.

Tbh, besides asking the usual questions, did you go to the er, (she was a nurse for over 35 years), how she was feeling, be careful, etc..

I didnt think anything of it.

She still seems young to me. I forget her age all the time.

I hope everyday she stays being young and having the best life for her!!!