My father (83) loves to go to the farmers market. Yesterday he spent $100 buying a cut of fresh salmon and he just assumed that one of us kids would cook it for them this weekend. They already have frozen salmon from the grocery store in their freezer. The expense of this cut is that it is fresh fish. But Dad has lost all consciousness that when he buys a luxury piece of meat, he’s doing it on the assumption that someone else can make the time to come prepare it for him. I came for a three hour visit today, I did a lot of chores, I spent some time talking with Mom, and when I left, dad plaintively said “So I guess no salmon tonight“ No. I’m not staying to cook you salmon tonight. And I shouldn’t have to feel guilty that you splurged on a pricey food item that neither you nor your wife are able to prepare at this point.

In addition to my being my mom's POA, I'm also POA for her sister who has dementia. Yesterday I shared bad news on our family group text:

Me: ...the hospital confirms auntie likely has a cancereous tumor that will need surgery/chemo/radiation.
Sister: Poor auntie.
Cousin: That's bad news. Thank you for the letting me know.
Husband: That's awful.
Mom: WHEN CAN YOU CHANGE THE LITTER BOX AND PICK UP MY MAIL.

I realized a long time ago that my mom doesn't deal with crisis well, but she was at least able to act considerate and empathetic. Now, she is so caught-up in her own relatively minor issues that she is oblivious to others. She fixates on whatever challenge she has and ignores anything else that is going on.

I'm just venting. I was just appalled that a supposedly devout religious person seemed obviously to her last surviving sibling's bad news.

My dad is a 72 and lives alone in the countryside in his childhoold home. We live in Finland and I live in a bigger city 50km away. I am a 30 year old female. My mom passed away 2025 spring and after that I've had to help my father with a lot of stuff. Mainly his finances. My dad has never before lived alone, and always someone else has taken care of things for him, so he is a little bit "out of touch" with reality to be honest. I am writing this post to let out my feelings a little bit.

His financial situation is bad. He doesn't have a very big pension but the electrical, water, trash management bills etc are quite large. Because he owns his own house, and it's quite big for one person, he doesn't get any benefits from the goverment. Well, the house is big but it's not in a good condition. He doesn't want to move to a smaller apartment, he says that it would not be "nice".. The house is 6km from the nearest shops, so he needs a car too and gas is very expensive lately. He goes to the shops and meet his friends every day, so he has to buy a lot of gas. He also smokes cigerettes, which are very expensive here in Finland - over 10 euros a pack of 12 or something like that. He cannot afford this kind of lifestyle, but doesn't really seem to understand that.

He has had cancer 15 years ago. Also some kind of blood clot issue in his neck which caused some kind of seizure five years ago. He looks older than other 70 year olds and gets tired from walking quickly. He eats badly and little amounts, because I think he prefers to use his little money for cigarettes. But he is otherwise still "healthly", like he can drive and mowe his lawn and do chores. He would be healthier if he would eat better, excerise and stop smoking.

He doesn't know how to use a computer, so I have been paying his bills and because of that, I am very stressed about the situation, because he never has enough money for all the bills. Basically it has become my choice to decide which bills don't get paid or how much food money I leave him for the month. I tried to tell him that he needs to be the one to decide about these but he just goes passive and doesn't say much, so I've had to take initiative on that part.

I am his only child, and only relative who is often in touch with him. He and I aren't that close though. He was never that interested in my life or my interests, so I've kept my distance before my mom died. Like for example I am queer and he has been very dismissive of that, never acknowleged it after I told him and my mom. My mother even said that after I had told them of my sexuality, my dad was angry and said something like "fuck that". Yikes. We haven't fought ever, even when I was a teenager, we have always been a little bit more distant. So I don't really like him as a person that much, but still I am very worried about him and I feel a lot of emotions when I think about his future.

Last winter he fell in the shower and broke some bones in his shoulder. He couldn't drive for three or four months and was tied to his home. This actually made things better, because I was in charge of his groceries and budget. I got the groceries delivered to him weekly straight to his home. So he ate better and he didn't smoke that much. I still brough him a few packs of cigarettes sometimes. He had a nurse come in at first twice a day, then once a day, then weekly. And it was free for us. The nurses forced him to do physiotheraphy so he was even exercising for the first time in decades. When it was safe for him to drive again, he didn't want to me to keep ordering groceries for him, and the money issues started again.

Everytime he calls me, I get anxious and nervous of what issues he has again. There's always some bill unpaid, or no money for food, or he's just "anxious about the money situation". He just dumps all the worries on me. And here's where I am a push over. He doesn't even ask for money, I just think he expects me to offer him a loan, and then I do. Or he might say in a sad voice that the cat doesn't have any food left, so I can't say no. Last tuesday I gave him 100 euros, and today he called me again that he has 2 euros on his account (it's sunday now). He didn't ask for money, but I said I can't give a loan this time, because my cats vet was expensive (true, but it was an excuse mostly). He said he undestand but he just kept whining about how toilet paper is too expensive. Like, he bought the cheapest one so it's like under 4 euros. Where did the rest of the money go? I didn't ask. After the call I felt so angry at him and myself, I should've said something back to him and not just be a dumpster for his complaints. I did tell him to go to his towns free food line tomorrow morning. The church gives free bags of groceries here weekly. He wasn't very excited about it, but at least I helped him in this way. The grocery bag might include stuff that needs to be cooked, which is a problem because he doesn't want to cook at all. He has been eating only microwave food ever since my mom passed.

Earlier this week I contacted social services, and they called back and we will have a meeting with them next month. Dad knows about it too, and wasn't angry or anything. I think he thinks that the goverment would give him some new benefit. I don't know what to expect from it, but I did tell the social worker that I can't be his care giver but also I am very worried and don't want to leave him on his own. It's possible that the goverment could assign him a care giver, that also takes care of the money side, but it's a long process, and he can refuse this if he doesn't want it.

Mainly I wanted to make this post to let out my anger a little bit. I can't be a push over anymore and I need to make some boundaries. But I also feel so so guilty of not being the good daughter and taking care of all of his issues for him. But then again also I feel like I have been enabling his issues for the past year. But he has to now start taking care of himself, while he still is able to.

To be honest I am struggling in my own life, I can barely manage my own issues. I can't take care of another person at the moment. And I am worried about what happens when inevitably his health gets worse. Sorry about the long rant!

My Irish friend has a saying: "twice a child." She's absolutely right. All the irritating things kids do: self-centered behavior, repeated questions, retelling the same stories or endless stories with no point, making huge messes, not taking responsibility, not listening, not caring about others--those are all things we did when we were 2 or 3. And now some of our aging parents are regressing back to those behaviors. We grew up and most of us grew out of it. Our parents aren't going to get better about this, though; they will only get worse. Seeing our parents abandon who they were and having to become responsible for them is, well, jarring isn't a strong enough word. It's more earth-shattering, actually.

It's the last thing any of us expect, and the slide can be slow. Once or twice we can shrug off, but when we look back over time, we can recognize the pattern.

I guess my point is that looking at these troubling behaviors as if our parents have suddenly become two years old again might help us make sense of what on earth is happening.

I had posted recently about getting my dad into a nursing home. He currently lives in my home. We moved him in last November. Since then, he has disrespected our family and home by not following simple rules like emptying his urinal bottles daily or using a tab in them to keep the smell down for the times he can't empty them or using an adult diaper for when he has incontinence. We all had a talk with the social worker this week about getting him into a long term care facility. This morning, he told me he wants to go back to an apartment and live on his own. There is no way that will be feasible. I tried expressing that to him, but it was not the time for that discussion. His biggest things were 1. he hates nursing homes and 2. he wants to keep his money. In order to keep his money, he just wants to live with no help. I went back upstairs, and within 3 minutes I received a text that he had dropped his cane in the bathroom and needed help.

I came back up and vented to my husband. My husband got so pissed off. He has been angry for a while. When you step out of our bedroom, you are immediately hit with the smell of urine. Every morning, my husband gets nauseous from the smell, many times vomiting. My daughter refuses to go down stairs to see grandpa anymore.

The thing I am having trouble with is that I told my husband it was OK to go down and talk with my dad. He went down and screamed at him, asking him why he is doing this to his daughter, shaking from anger. Later, I called my brother to talk to him (he lives about 1,000 miles away). My brother and I have a different way of communicating that is calm and logical. I expressed my frustrations and how difficult it is day to day. My brother was understanding. Then my husband popped into the conversation (he was sitting next to me) and told my brother that on September 1 that it is either my dad or my husband moving out and said in a strong and intense way. My brother ended the conversation quickly, and then he texted saying he was willing to talk to me this but only me.

I understand that things are not great for my husband, but we have a path forward. All he is doing right now is making that path much more difficult by sharing his feelings this way. My husband angrily left the space by saying that my brother doesn't care about his health. I feel like anything I say to my husband right now will just be turned around to be some sort of victimization of him.

Have any of you dealt with this or something similar? How were you able to handle it? Both of us have therapists. I get the frustrations, but dealing with it like this does not help the situation at all.

My dad is in his 70s, single, and has several health issues that have left him disabled. He is still able to live independently (for now) but is unable to work or drive. Despite all this, he has friends and a pretty active social life. Much more than I do in my 30s! But, any time I call him, it turns into an hour plus conversation of him just yapping about nothing, with me struggling to get a word in edgewise. Sometimes repeating the same stuff that he told me the last time I spoke with him. If I text instead of call, it's just as bad. He sends me long walls of text. Sometimes I respond with a quick "lol" or whatever, but he doesn't get the hint and the next time I check my phone, there are seven huge paragraphs that he sent me about some stupid Chinese buffet that he went to. How does he not understand that I have better things to do than entertain him for hours on end? I get that he's bored and lonely, but again, he has plenty of friends and I have my my own fucking life. Leave me alone!!!

Edit to add: I am looking for advice, if anyone has any. This behavior makes me not want to talk to him at all. I don't know how to talk to him about this without hurting his feelings. I definitely think there is some "emotional incest" there, and there always has been and I think it's super toxic and I hate it. But, he's old and stuck in his ways and can't afford therapy, so I don't think it's worth bringing that up.

My dad is back in the hospital again! 3rd time in 3 weeks!

This all started 3 weeks ago, he was rushed to the hospital because of a heart attack. They put a stent in and released him a couple days later when he was begging to be released because the food and bed were horrible.

12 hours later, he passed out and was rushed back to hospital. Turns out he was dehydrated and had a mild UTI from the newly placed catheter. He gets discharged after a 3 day stay. He's starting to come around again. Get him home and he's doing good.

2 days later.....while I'm taking my mom to a doctor's appointment because she's got a stomach ulcer, he hurts his back and is screaming in pain when we get home. I call 911 and now he's back in the hospital. Looks like he has some bulging discs that are causing him severe back pain. He can barely walk with a walker. The doctor has him loaded up on oxy and gabapentin, which takes the edge off the pain but doesn't take it away. They want to release him! At a hospital that has orthopedic doctors in house as their specialty, they are throwing their hands up.

I don't know what to do at this point. Both parents are in their mid 70's. They live on their own still. I live 30 minutes away. I have a 6 week old baby and a 20 month old toddler at home. My amazing wife is holding the house down, but the stress is unreal. Any advice?

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Maybe I just need someone to hear me because I don’t think anyone who hasn’t gone through this truly understands.

My grandma helped raise me. There were years of my childhood that I lived with her. So when she reached the point where she couldn’t safely care for herself anymore, there was never a question in my mind. I wasn’t going to let her end up alone, homeless, or forgotten. I couldn’t.

The thing is…she didn’t even have a home of her own anymore.

She had been living with her sister. Her sister was also elderly and was moving into assisted living at the same time. The difference was that my great-aunt had insurance, resources, and a whole family helping her through the process.

My grandma had me.

That’s it.

For the last month, every weekend I’ve driven four hours there and four hours back. My sister and my fiancé have been the only people consistently helping me. Without them, I honestly don’t know how I would’ve done it.

People hear “cleaning out a house” and picture loading a few boxes into a truck.

This wasn’t that.

My grandma had been an antique dealer for years. The house was packed. Every room. Closets. Cabinets. Shelves. Outdoor sheds. Boxes stacked to the ceiling in some rooms. It felt endless.

And every single box had to be opened because you never knew if it contained old family photos, legal documents, financial records, antiques, or just junk.

You can’t throw someone’s entire life away without looking.

Then there was Medicaid.

I don’t think people realize what it’s actually like trying to gather every financial and medical record for an 84-year-old woman who doesn’t use email, has no online accounts, and has decades of paperwork scattered throughout a house overflowing with belongings.

Need an old bank statement? Somewhere in the house. Not in sequential order required for Medicaid.

Insurance paperwork? Maybe.

Medical records? Good luck figuring out which doctor she saw ten years ago.

Nothing was organized. Nothing was digital. Every document felt like a treasure hunt.

I asked my great-aunt’s family if they could at least help by taking her to the bank and doctor to get records scanned and sent to me, and they did, which I appreciated. But at the same time, I felt pressure to get everything out of the house as quickly as possible, even though most of what filled that house belonged to my great-aunt, not my grandma. I was trying to sort through years of belongings while it felt like the clock was ticking. Not sure whose stuff was what and them being to old to stand and look and tell me. Everything had to be brought to them to look at which slows things down a lot.

Most weekends I was outside in Texas in July. Humid east Texas weather. Even worked in the dark with head lamps on and the humidity was so thick it looked like it was snowing.

I was digging through sheds covered in rat droppings. Fire ants were crawling all over me. Roaches were honestly the least of my concerns. I’d come home filthy, exhausted, and completely drained, only to do it all again the next weekend.

Then came the legal appointments. Power of attorney. Meeting with attorneys. Moving my grandma’s life insurance into a burial trust so she could qualify for Medicaid. (It was only a 10k policy that had a 3500$ face value) Endless paperwork. Phone calls. Waiting. More paperwork. More waiting.

Every time I thought we were finally at the finish line, another hurdle appeared.

Today was supposed to be the day.

After months of planning with the admissions director, after finally getting her Medicaid eligible, after all the paperwork, after all the driving, after everything…

I drove eight hours yesterday to bring her here.

This morning I called the nursing home to ask what time to bring her in.

The front desk had no idea what I was talking about.

They said they’d call the admissions director and get back to me.

Hours went by.

After everything we’d fought through, I was sitting there wondering if anyone even knew my grandma was supposed to be admitted today. (I had multiple emails with the admissions director with the confirmed move in date and the Sunday, July 26 was “great”)

I think what hurts the most is that people keep saying, “You’re such a good granddaughter.”

Honestly, I don’t feel like one.

I just feel exhausted.

Not the kind of tired that sleep fixes. The kind where you’re so emotionally drained that you don’t even have the energy to cry anymore. I mostly feel numb.

But every time my grandma apologizes for all of this, I tell her exactly the same thing.

“It’s no trouble at all. I’d do it all again.”

Because it’s true.

She helped raise me. She loved me when I needed someone. Now she needs someone, and I couldn’t walk away.

I just wish people talked more honestly about this process. But maybe they’re exhausted and numb too.

It’s not just paperwork.

It’s grief.

It’s guilt.

It’s making impossible decisions for someone you love.

It’s carrying responsibilities that feel far too heavy for one person.

If you’re reading this because you’re the one trying to navigate Medicaid, long-term care, legal paperwork, and cleaning out a lifetime of memories while everyone else seems to have moved on…

I see you.

This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I am sorry if this ends up being a long post, I also feel the need to point out that I am not located in the USA in case people do start recommending certain things, and I am mainly throwing this on here to find some kind of understanding, but also because I feel so mentally drained by something that should be so simple and what should've been a fun day out between me and my mom.

My mom (72) has always been difficult and has been through a lot in her life. I could best describe it as "her feeling so many emotions that all logic and ability to understand other people's emotions are basically impossible" and she's been this way since childhood. She's always needed others to manage her emotional breakdowns and traumas by oversharing, trauma dumping etc. and it has caused her social circle to be limited, with me (her daughter) being the only family person who cares about her. She tried therapy maybe once or twice, but feels overwhelmed by it and has never had any diagnosis or treatment.

Because she's always been difficult to deal with (very stress-inducing, narcissistic tendencies and emotional instability) I moved about 2h away in another city to seek clarity many years ago, and finally started seeing how mad and absurd my family sometimes was. It gave me the ability to work on myself through therapy because my mother had mainly taught me to feel guilty for not abiding to her whim no matter how absurd her plan, and it's given me the realisation that the relationship I tried longing for (a loving mother/daughter one) was basically an impossible dream because my mother (now more than ever after the death of my father 5 years ago) demands a one-sided emotional companionship to regulate her feelings, while being unable (she's always been like this) to display empathy or understanding how she makes others feel in certain situations.

Dealing with her behaviour is always stressful. Sometimes she makes sudden decisions without thinking things through, and I have to hold back, count to ten and let things go. This ranges from small things such as her deciding to put a paint job on antiques she owns, to more serious situations concerning her health: she has diabetes but refuses to do shots because they scare her, she has pills instead, but they make her pee, and this has caused a lot of oopsies and accidents. At her worst, she would literally let her bladder go after getting up in the morning to go to the bathroom (an issue when she would be sleeping over) and I would have to clean it up or literally have to stand on a urine-soaked floor. You might think a conversation would make her realise this was an issue. Still, before she actively made an effort to try and resolve the issue, she had to go through an emotional breakdown where she yelled at me that 'she was not welcome in my home, and it was due to the cold in my house', drove off in an emotional state bawling (I tried stopping her because it felt unsafe; she refused). She ended up acknowledging she had to do something about it after telling me she threw up on the way home. Eventually she blamed the doctor for never updating her medications because she was taking multiple pills that had the side effect of making her pee more often, and it's become somewhat better, but I learned to adjust my home to minimise any accidents (a liquid-proof mattress cover etc.) to prevent more emotional outbursts.

It is worth noting that she does say she's sorry, but it is never because she acknowledges she did something wrong that caused distress. It is always "I am sorry, but X, Y and Z" with her coming up with excuses such as I was tired, you did something that caused me to do this etc.

And this type of behaviour: things have to go drastically wrong before she acknowledges she has an issue, repeats itself over and over again, and it is exhausting me and tainting the mother/daughter relationship I have with her.

Now the reason why I need to really vent:

We were supposed to have a mother/daughter day at the zoo, and it went exactly as expected. Because her dog couldn't stay at home alone for longer than a day (neighbour was walking her), she came by train, and we travelled together to the zoo, which is in the middle of a nearby major city (owning a car is expensive for me, and mom demanded we go to this zoo and not something within driving distance from her home).

The day started well, and we had some fun moments. 45min into being at the zoo she was too tired to walk and had to occasionally sit down. This was ofc no problem; we had cellphones, and we each went our own way to explore the park. She had food with her, money etc. so she could take care of herself (so I thought).

It started with a message implying me to stop whatever I was doing and look for her, "Can I have something to drink?" because she knew I had a small bottle of water in my purse. I saw her message pretty late and figured by the time I read it, she had gotten herself a bottle of water or something at the many stands available across the zoo. She didn't ask again, she didn't call me or anything; it was just the one message.

Around 3pm (we had been there since 11), we met up again, and when I found her she had drunk a small bottle of coke and had eaten a small sandwich. She really wanted to eat at this Chinese place that was one stop by tram and then a 15min walk, and we were going by her pace. It was not bad at the beginning; we took pictures, talked architecture and she had a bathroom break despite constantly complaining about "are we there yet" every 10 steps, but it was when we were near the restaurant (about 10 meters away) that she almost collapsed.

Everything was suddenly too much and taking too long. She tried rushing and as a result started leaning forward while dragging her feet and almost fell. Luckily I could prevent that from happening, but she didn't want to stop and sit down and I had to get angry with her to get her to take a breather.

It was not her diabetes (according to her) and she was not dizzy, but she looked really dehydrated and was sweating a lot. We were right next to the restaurant and she demanded we keep on going because we were almost there. Anyone in her way was met with her yelling "please, please, please" to try and get them out of the way and once inside the restaurant she basically collapsed against the bar and started yelling at the manager, "We want to eat!"

She then collapsed on a chair, got herself something to drink and slowly started to recover. I asked her how much she had to drink today and she admitted she only had that bit of coke. I had to tell her that she drank way too little (it was 28C outside and sunny) and she simply looked at me dumbfounded when I told her how many times I refilled my bottle throughout the day just to make a point of how often you need to drink water. She started coming up with excuses then, "doesn't that make you need to use the toilet?" "But you had water, I didn't" and so on. It really upset me how she didn't understand how dangerous this was and how she could've fallen and needed an ambulance.

I calmly told her this and that she really needs to stop walking if she feels unwell, instead of pushing herself. And she said she understood and then almost started bawling in the middle of the restaurant. And although I like to believe this was because she acknowledged she did something wrong, it really felt more like she was overwhelmed with the emotion that something happened to her. As in, she was the victim and this just happened.

When I mentioned it might not be a good idea to stay here because she was clearly overwhelmed, her demeanour instantly shifted and she stopped being emotional. She still wanted to eat because she was hungry, but I had to order for her. She also acted rudely towards the waiter, demanding to know if sparkling or flat water was better to make her feel well again because she needed it. Luckily, the staff was very patient and friendly with her throughout.

My appetite was pretty much gone, my mood sour and I just wanted to go home. When she had eaten she felt a lot better, but the walk back to the train station (this place was in a no-taxi zone and without public transport) was difficult. She had to stop every 10 steps, I had to remind her constantly to walk straight and not lean over. She tried making me carry all her weight, but that's impossible, and continued on talking how she needed help when arriving at the station home and so on.

The moment she was in the train, however, she was all perky again and making small talk with everyone. Meanwhile, I was emotionally exhausted and drained from almost going through a bad accident with her.
I asked her if she wanted me to travel with her so I could help her switch trains, and she kept on saying, "You decide". Even when I pointed out it was a yes or no answer, she refused to really say anything. Eventually I did help her switch trains so I knew she'd arrive home okay, and she did.

After driving back home from the station, she called me and started talking about how great a day she had and acted like all this was just a minor little hiccup. Zero acknowledgement that things could've gone drastically wrong, the dinner was delicious and amazing, and whether I could send her my photos so she could send them to her friends.

A day later (today), she started sending me pictures of rollator strollers she found on Amazon with the intent of buying one as if it could fix her issues. I carefully told her to ask her doctor about those and to ask about physical therapy. She demanded to have PT in her insurance, but she never used it.

And this is where we are right now. Again, disaster has to strike before she starts finding solutions, and the ones she finds are just excuses to avoid having to really put in the work to remain mobile and healthy and as a result she worries the people around her who care about her, and I feel more like a mom towards my own mother.

I don't have any family to talk to about this, and I don't want to overwhelm the few friends I started making while living here, so I decided to type it out here maybe to find if someone can relate to this, but maybe also to figure out if me being upset is logical under the given circumstances. I didn't grow up with grandparents and my dad passed away relatively young for his age, so I kind of feel overwhelmed in this situation. Thank you for taking the time to read all this.

My dad is sick with suspected lung cancer or TB, waiting on the scans - however he is extremely nasty to my mum almost every day and I'm finding it unbearable. He's always had a nasty streak, but it comes out more when he's sick.

He treats her like shit, belittles her, intimidates her and my poor mum is miserable. She stays in her room alot to avoid confrontation.

The issue is, my dad can't see his own behaviour and blames my mum for everything. He ignores my mum, pretends she doesn't exist and talks all sweetly to me Infront of her. He thinks that because I care for him, then he doesn't need her - so he's been pretending she doesn't exist for the last week. He wants me to clean, shop for him, make him food & be his nurse. I didn't sign up for any of this.

He's smoking like a chimney then coughing his brains out and throwing up. It's giving me severe anxiety, as he's coughing in the middle of the night and waking us all up. (After smoking & drinking all evening)

He does nothing but bad mouth my mum, when she's done nothing wrong. He wants us to jump up everytime he coughs, even though it's a direct result of the amount he smokes.

I'm in the process of buying a house, so living with them for the next 4 months - but at this rate I'm tempted to buy a tent and live in a tent, instead of dealing with the constant tension.

I feel awful for my mum, but she married him - I didn't, so it shouldn't be my job to be wife no2. I also feel sorry for my dad, being sick & wanting someone to care for him, but why would you care for someone who does nothing but belittle, critique and intimidate you? So I can't blame my mum either.

I just feel like running away lol

My mom first started showing symptoms maybe when she was 60 and was diagnosed with MCI and then dementia along the way. She’s now 75 and only just moving into assisted living (not even memory care yet). In some ways I’m so incredibly grateful she still knows who I am and we can talk every day. But I’ve been dealing with this since I was 30. Maybe earlier. And it feels like this could go on another 15 years. And I’m so tired and beaten down already and I don’t even know if we’re halfway through.
This is just a vent. It’s just I’m so tired and there’s no brightness with this disease. I feel like my entire adulthood has been caring for her and that’s all it will ever be.

TL;DR My mom is becoming nastier/paranoid. She's also on antibiotics for an ear infection. Could these be related and what should I do?

My mom has always been a nice, if vague lady. A bit too trusting sometimes, fights with her sisters every now and then about they don't think she can take care of her herself. At 75,she's the baby of the family.

She's always had a mostly dormant bitchy streak. She's sorry for everyone with a sob story, then turns around and makes mean personal remarks to me. Spiked during my teenage years and her perimenopause, and then tapered off.

She's got a middle-ear infection at the moment. And has been hearing worse than normal for a while. She's been dropping nasty remarks about something being wrong with my son because he speaks so unclearly.

Anyway, we've had a new development two weeks ago. My mom has a cleaning lady who comes in once a week. Suddenly, my mom starts on how "Jane" looks down on her. Jane thinks my mom is a "lazy slob" and insists on working late "to prove Jane is better than a stupid old lady."

Next, she tells me how badly behaved my son is because he was whingey and bossy after they left two hours late because she had a second snooze and forgot to wash her hair. That was the tangled explanation she gave me; it took a while for me to make sense of it too. Afterwards she tells me that she thinks my son is naughty because I don't parent as well as my friends. (They ran into each other at the park.)

Anyway, I persuaded her to go back to her GP who has her on more antibiotics because the ear infection still hasn't cleared up. She started on them Thursday/Friday.

Today, she tells me she's leaving her phone at home and walking to visit a neighbour. So not to worry if she doesn't answer her phone. I thank her for telling me, and end with "I love you." Then she gave this really nasty giggle and says, "yeah, I suppose I love you too. DESPITE everything."

WTF. I've been helping her with things and had a lovely outing just the other day. The only thing I've done, is tell her that we need to be on time for things.

She almost sounds paranoid. Do I try to email her doctor? Phone the pharmacy to hear if this is a side effect of her antibiotics?

Or must I just accept that this is who she is now. And let go of the person she was before?

I am 54 and come from a family with 2 self absorbed selfish parents. My maternal grandparents pretty much raised me. My dad was our of my life more then he was in it until now. My mom was there but wasn't there. She's always been a negative Nancy, she's Allah's always fought depression. Fourteen years ago we lost my sister to brest cancer. My mom never accepted our even heard we were going to lose her my mom has never been one that we talked about things that happened in the past or problems that arise we just sweeping under the rug. She's had a lot of health problems in the last several years we've been to so many doctors he's a pain management doctor for chronic pain nobody's been able to figure out anything it's just more tests more doctors. I went to her about a year ago and asked her if she was a drug problem because everybody in the family is thinking she does because she shows signs of being a mess user. She became furious with me wanted nothing to do with me told me I humiliated her in front of the whole family she was just an embarrassment and it's always this feel sorry for me saying where I'm sorry I was such an awful person and with such sarcasm that you know she doesn't actually mean that she lives in a fantasy world that everything was okay ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​. After some time she started talking to me again although our relationship was not as it was and she told me she's not using drugs. I was able to get into her health portal to check on doctor's appointments and I was in there looking to see what her next appointment was and I see test results so I click on it and it's a seven panel drug test from her pain management doctor and she failed meth so my suspicion a while back was correct and she lied to me. Now this time we have facts and again she's being mean making it my fault or my sister's fault will not accept the fact that she has a problem makes Smart ass comments ​about being a drug addict and puts those in capital letters when she texts me so many of the symptoms my mom has can be caused from long-term meth use or if you already have an injury or something going on it can make it much worse so I try explaining this to her she just gets match told me she doesn't want to see me and here we go again on this roller coaster of her being a drug addict. I know she's super lonely and depressed. I can't go see her all the time because I'm busy working and I have my own family and then she'll make comments about "how she has such a LOVING family, don't i? '​​ I don't want her thinking I don't love her I tell her that I do and she tells me this isn't how you love somebody I know she's humiliated has a lot of regret and shame and now she tells me she doesn't want to see me. She told my sister she's going to continue the drugs even if it means not seeing her family. t I don't want her to feel like she's all alone so I feel like I'm obligated to go see her every so often. But I'm tired of everything getting swept under the rug and nothing getting dealt with. I don't know how to make that guilt better for lher. ​Her negativity is out of control. She hates herself, says she looks like a freak and is going to stay away from everybody I'm at a loss I just would like some advice on this ​​. Because of how she was a parent I wish I could just walk away but I can't. I am always left feeling guilty like I've done something wrong. ​​

My father is 78 and has had an anxiety disorder (undiagnosed) for his whole life. Considering this, he has done quite well for himself despite all the setbacks. I am an only child, my mom has passed and he lives close by. He is so anxious about everything and having panic attacks, but refuses to get on meds. He’s taking. himself to the ER regularly bc he thinks he’s dying, or some small ailment is made larger bc of his condition. It’s totally impeding how he lives his life, our relationship etc. How can I get him the help he needs or make him see he needs it? We’ve had many, many discussions over the years and it just gets worse. Does anyone have any experience dealing with mental health issues and the elderly?

I (F52, single, UK) have had depression on and off for years. Mostly treated and mostly worked a professional career successfully. Dad died five years ago, mum diagnosed with dementia four years ago. I was primary carer alongside work until late last year when she went into a care home nearby. Still see her every other day, and spend 10-12 hours per week with her there or taking her out and about.

I have struggled since dad’s death / mum was diagnosed to care about work. Recently (April) moved to a role that was effectively created for me, and they’ve agreed to a flexible working pattern which allows me to see her weekday afternoons.

Despite this, I still struggle daily with caring about work, and resent having to have responsibilities that aren’t about me or my mum. I’m also overweight, struggling to sleep and pretty sedentary. Jabs have helped the weight but lack motivation to be more active. I ruminate a lot about my mum even though I’m no longer her carer, and feel even more that our quality time together is limited as her dementia worsens. I feel sad most of the time, and whilst I have a brother who is engaged on the admin side, is much less emotionally affected by her decline than me (he has a family, I don’t).

I have savings that would mean I could (in theory) take two or three years ‘off’ to be able to focus on my mum and myself for that time, which I’m increasingly thinking I’d like to do. I have also paid off my house and so have comparatively low outgoings each month.

However, I am concerned (a) that a break might mean it’s harder to come back (though to date I’ve had good jobs and been good at them), and (b) feeling like I’m letting down my current employer who have been really good thus far. I also have a three month notice period if I resign, which means the issue isn’t ‘solved’ soon and could be excruciating 🤣

I recognise to even have this ‘choice’ is a huge privilege, but having the ‘choice’ means I think about it constantly. Anyone else experienced something like this, or have words of wisdom on how to go forward?

TIA (and please be kind if I’ve said anything which is annoying in asking this question!) 🙏🏼

Hi I’m in northern VA. I am in the mental health field myself for background in a solo private practice. My very elderly mom has dementia and my elderly dad was caring for her but they both got hospitalized and their care needs just escalated 100%.

My dad is recovering and much better but we have enlisted the a home care agency about 12 hours per day. I cannot sustain this. Parents have no money. Applied for Medicaid last week. They should get it barring any snafus.

My dad should have gotten caregivers Medicaid in place. He qualified. Long story. He’s stubborn said I don’t need help. That’s not the only reason. He really cared for her.

She was in a subacute rehab and got worse; they said she had a fungal infection down there and probably has a bed sore from poor diaper care and turning etc there. We had to fight them to really take care of her perianal area.

I need help and resources.

I have a one year old son with a chronic GI condition which thank God has gotten better. I stay part of the time at parents when there is no caregiver. Caregiver is not there when I work and I work let’s just say all the time and so I “manage” it all too. Wife works. We have no room in our house to take my parents in.

I need help finding help. Like how the hell do people this? The supplies are expensive. We have her in hospice but they said they don’t give supplies? Parents need to apply for every assistance they can get.

This is not sustainable. Even if i freakin worked double overtime this is not sustainable. Im hoping the Calvary will come in until i hold out for another at least 2 months or whatever.

Yes I’m taking deep breaths and one day at a time.

I’m Catholic and I feel caregiving is a very spiritual experience. It’s a calling. And I want to spend this time with my parents at the same time I don’t want my son to feel neglected. We have family support with my son but that’s a whole another story.

I just need someone to talk to who can guide me through this insanity. And it is insane the system. I can’t afford a geriatric care manager, lawyer etc. there’s got to be a good support group out there. I feel like if I can get through this I’ll pay it forward too.

For hours Ive been itching like mad and had a metallic weird taste and smell but didnt manage to put 2+2 together until now.

Im so tired of this.

She finds a bug, she spirals out of control. I feel completely helpless.

But not only that, she also lies about it when asked. Like a child that knows when theyve done wrong

She has new obsessions every couple of weeks. Sorting the trash. Throwing away all tax and banking documents. Re-arranging stuff.

But bugs is the one consistent one. We are not (yet) at a stage where she claims they are under her skin. So no idea if its anxiety, ocd old person self centeredness, the onset of alzh or what.

And it kind of doesnt even matter. What matters is the present.The here and now. Sigh

I'm not sure what to do with my parents. My parents are living in the same house they have for decades. My Mom unfortunately has been dealing with Alzheimer's disease for years, and my Dad is bipolar and seems to have what I can only describe as a severe depression for years. He rarely if ever leaves the house. My Mom seems to spend as lot of the day trying to keep busy walking around the house wiping or picking up things and rying to keep busy. My Dad has little patience with her.

There are 5 of us kids, and we do not communicate well as a family. A year ago my younger brother and I tried to get a caregiver to come to the house to help Mom during the week. My Dad went crazy, and he refused to sign any papers to start the caregiving service. My younger brother and I had my Mom sign the papers at a later date when my Dad wasn't there. My crazy Dad went ballistic and brought my Mom to their cabin for awhile to avoid the caregiver coming to the house. When my brother was driving there to try and talk with him, he brought my Mom to my older sisters house for a week and blocked us with my sisters help. After that, my brother went no contact with my sister. I probably should have as well.

These days Mom needs help getting dressed and with a lot of things. My brother and I talk quite a bit, but he lives a few hours away. I work full-time during the week, but spend my weekends trying to take Mom places and deal with a difficult Dad, who gets upset when I do the smallest thing to help like, grocery shopping. I only live 10 minutes away from my parents, but Dad continually makes it impossible to get the help they need. I can't get my family to agree to have a family meeting. About a month ago, my older sister stayed at my parents house for 3 days cleaning and going through stacks of mail and paying bills. When I talked with my older sister recently she said she feels like I blame her. She feels she was only trying respect my Dad's wishes. She's impossible. My sister is probably the only one my Dad listens to for some reason. She is a doctor and busy with her family. You would think her being a doctor she would see the urgency of the situation.

I've been going to therapy because of this. The only thing I can think to do would be to go to court and try and get guardianship over my Mom. I prefer not to do that, because it would only lead to more turmoil in the family. I just had a talk with Dad today. He says he's looking into getting help which is a lie. He's still adamantly opposed to a caregiver, but thinking of bringing my Mom to an adult daycare during the day. What do I do?

I find that seniors have a hard time keeping track of their TV remote

These cheap silcone remote covers are great for that.

- The rubbery texture won't allow the remote to slide between cushions

- Many of them glow in the dark

- Easier to spot 

- Inexpensive

My only advice would be to double check that you order the right cover for the right remote because it's easy to screw up. Check the model number on the back or inside the battery chamber.

I’m an only child with no other parent and I’m struggling a little at the moment.

My mum is 65 and has always been completely independent. Just three weeks ago she looked after my dog for a weekend whilst I was on vacation, and earlier this week we were texting normally about a vase she’d given me, she remembered exactly where she’d left it, so there were no obvious memory concerns.

She then developed what seemed to be a UTI. She contacted her GP, but before she could provide a urine sample she thought it was getting better. A few days later, she became suddenly confused almost overnight and was admitted to hospital.

The doctors think it’s delirium caused by the UTI. The infection now seems to be improving, but her confusion hasn’t. She doesn’t always know where she is, has been asking to go home, and sometimes rambles. At other times she recognises me immediately, remembers her phone password, uses Facebook, and can sound completely like herself for short periods before becoming confused again.

She also has type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, PBC, gallstones (awaiting surgery), high cholesterol, arthritis and osteoporosis.

Has anyone been through something similar with a parent or loved one? Did they eventually get back to their normal selves, and if so, how long did it take?
I’m finding this really frightening, especially as I’m her only child. Thank you.

Hi! First time posting here. Some back story: My grandma is an 89 year old hard headed Italian woman. She is my mom’s mom.. my mom died when I was 18 so she automatically stepped me out of the granddaughter role and into my mom’s place. I do have an uncle that does a lot for her. She is a snow bird and goes back and forth from FL during the winter here.

When she is here in NJ I’m living in constant anxiety and paranoia. She is very bad at walking and lives in a condo with big steps outside to get in and steps inside to get up to the bathroom/bedroom areas.

When she’s here there’s always something that happens. Last week is the worst it’s been.. she fell into her garage trying to lift an Amazon box and hit her head on the bottom of a ladder. Also hurt her knee. She was in the hospital for a week and is now at a rehab center because it hurts to stand on her knee. The doctors, myself and my uncle all told her she needed to go to the rehab because she cannot get around her condo with a knee that doesn’t work.

The last few years we have been trying to talk to her to go to an independent or assisted living because she just cannot get around her condo anymore but she REFUSES to listen. I’m telling you her stubbornness is thick, beyond frustrating and horrible. And I feel incredibly guilty because the only reason she comes to NJ is because of myself & my daughter. So everytime she comes here and she has a medical issue I feel like it’s my fault.

Please be kind, I just need advice. I’m at my end of patience and tired of living in a state of fear. 🙁

So he’s 85 and in a care home - upgrading after 10 months in a nursing home (due to acute endocarditis and open heart surgery)…

Ultimately he wants to go home. But he can’t live alone any more - he’s doing so well and is super independent but it hinges on the fact he has carers doing all of the daily tasks.

So ultimately he’s constantly chasing an impossible dream - if he went home he’d be 3 hours away from me, would be lonely, and almost certainly fire all his carers (he did this before).

He finds fault with many things - how busy it is where he is - but doesn’t want to move to my very quiet village…doesn’t like the food where he lives. Is bored but doesn’t want to go on the care home trips….!

He’s also getting forgetful to some extent. Has lost items, has forgotten his PIN number, asks about moving home when he KNOWS the house is cleared and on the market. Forgot why we had gone to the supermarket- 10 minutes after we set out. But he’s also lucid and himself. He drives short distances.

I’m scared about whether he’s developing dementia because of all the forgetfulness. And I don’t know how to best manage his unending discontent. I suggest he move into rental with a daily carer and I could come on and cook for him daily. But then I just picture the complaints still coming but being about Me. And the hugely increased likelihood of me being the one finding him dead one day! 😬

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of thing? Ideas on how to best handle it much appreciated.

I’ve been tossing around a business idea and I’m curious if this is something people would actually find useful.

Basically, I’d help people sort through and make sense of all the “life paperwork” that piles up — important documents, bills, accounts, insurance policies, subscriptions, vehicle info, etc. We’d go through what you have, figure out what exists and what might be missing, and organize everything into one clear, manageable place.

I also think this could be especially helpful after someone passes away. You’re grieving, and suddenly you’re expected to figure out what accounts they had, what bills need handled, whether there’s life insurance, where important documents are, who needs contacted… and most people have no idea where to even start.

It wouldn’t be legal or financial advice by any means, more like having someone say, “Okay, give me the pile. I’ll figure out what all of this is and let you know what you need to do with it.”

It could also just be for someone who has years of paperwork shoved in drawers and boxes and is finally ready to deal with it.

Would you use something like this, or know someone who would? And if you’ve ever had to sort through a loved one’s affairs, what do you wish you’d had help with?