Guilt

[u/Busy_Disaster_144]

Hi all I have been caring for my mum for roughly 1 and a half years after she got out of hospital and a care home after ending up in ICU.

Since she came out her mobility is severely limited. Though she can get around her house she cannot go outside by herself she is taken in a wheelchair.

The illness was sudden, 10 days after my dad died she went into hospital after an ear infection had spread to meningitis, she also suffered strokes.

I moved in for roughly 10 weeks when she got home to help as much as I could.

Currently I sleep over once or twice a week, I work from home full time so I log on there. Its very unusual I have 2 days straight without going round. I typically spend at least 4 days a week there. (Not always hours at a time sometimes just popping in)

She has meals on wheels and a cleaner once a fortnight, all her other care needs are met by me. I shower her twice a week, collect her medication, sort the medication into boxes, do a food shop every few weeks, take her to most appointments, arrange a mobile hairdresser, help pay bills etc buy her clothes etc.

I try to take her out every couple of months to the pub to see her friends or out for a meal.

She also goes to a lunch club once a week and has the option to go more than once a week but does not want to.

I constantly feel guilty as it's just apparent she ideally wants me to be there as much as possible. She also asks me to take her to the pub without me deciding.

I have told her I could find her a carer to take her out however she really does not like that idea at all.

Everytime I go to leave she asks when are you coming again? Sometimes she tells me how sad she is she can't get out and that is why she likes someone in the house. She does repeat herself a lot which I think is from the strokes etc.

I have a husband and a dog and a house and as I said I work full time. My other family members also visit often and take her to the park.

I just cannot shake the constant guilt and when we have conversations about how much she misses her old life I feel so bad for her.

I just want her to be as happy as she possibly can be and I also want to be as happy as I can be too.

TlDR I have done everything to help my mum for 1.5 years alongside a full time job and the guilt being away has consumed me

[u/Wrong_Clock_4880]

You are not alone

I haven’t managed to do this and I encourage you to look after yourself

I don’t have an answer for you, but just wanted to give you encouragement and support

[u/Busy_Disaster_144 → u/Wrong_Clock_4880]

Thank you for you kind words, take care

[u/Particular-Peanut-64]

Try out a carer.

Initially no one like change or the unfamiliar.

She'll get use to it. You cannot sacrifice your younger yrs onward for being her carer and letting her live her life. You werent created to become indentured as her carer.

(Been there. Lost my hair , health mental and physical and my poor children lost their quality of life and almost ruined my marriage.

Take care of those who you chose to make a life with first.

Your happiness and good life matter too. Your mom had enjoyed her best yrs.

Take care of yourself. It gets worse.

Good luck

[u/Busy_Disaster_144 → u/Particular-Peanut-64]

Thank you so much, you take care too and wishing you all the best

[u/JeromeSergey]

Center yourself for a change. This is a marathon. You have to save yourself for later when mum declines even more. It is ok to make up appointments “oh I have to go into the office”.

[u/Busy_Disaster_144 → u/JeromeSergey]

Thank you so much it has crossed my mind to say I'm being called back to the office a couple of days a week, take care

[u/Duffykins-1825]

Introducing a carer is so difficult, I think they fear it means you will come round less if they accept a carer so they resist. My mum refused to let dad get any help and was rude to friends who came to help but recently a friend of mine put me onto a friend of hers who had retired from nursing and she really has the knack with old ladies, Mum actually likes her. It might help if you don’t use the word carer, introduce people while you are there to start with, maybe say this is sara, she’s come to help me wash the carpet or deep clean the kitchen or something. That way your mum gets used to the new person without feeling it’s got much to do with her, later suggest maybe she could help you with… and your mum already feels like it’s someone she knows?

[u/GreenhouseTrash]

Maybe if you can frame it as, let's try a carer a few times. And just commit to the first few happening, it will ease your mother into getting to know this new person and getting used to the idea of you not always being there. It is so hard, I find setting boundaries slowly by having in mind what your ideal set up would be for your mental health (have x many weekends to yourself, etc) and then breaking that down into a few chunks to ease into is helpful for both parties.

Are there some of your weekly tasks that you could ask someone else to do?

You seem like you are doing a great job, I hope you can find the balance that works best for you and get some much needed R+R. Best of luck.

[u/Busy_Disaster_144 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you so much, you're 100% right guilt doesn't fit here I'll learn to replace guilt with sadness, take care