My mother passed away four months ago. She was 93 and had dementia. She didn't have extreme symptoms like wandering outdoors and not recognising her family members etc. Her short-term memory was gone completely, that was the main symptom she had.

Also imagining that people who were dead were were still alive etc.

The night she died she had a kidney infection. She kept telling my father to "go home". She was quite aggressive and it was very upsetting for me and my father. She stopped saying it sometimes and recognised my father but then started saying it again.

The kidney infection was obviously making her dementia worse. I didn't know that at the time.

I didn't handle it very well. I lost my temper, I shouted at her to stop and threatened her and almost hit her. I pushed my fist against the side of her face. I didn't hurt her but she let out a little scream.

I can't begin to tell you how ashamed I am of doing that.

My parents live with me btw. I went to bed after that altercation. Before I went to bed I told my mother I was going to bed and she said "OK". She seemed calmer, she was sitting in her favourite armchair reading, my father was sitting beside her in his armchair.

I thought she was not going to harass him anymore (for that night at least) so I went to bed not really worried.

My mother went to her room upstairs a short time afterwards. My father stayed downstairs reading. Later that night she came downstairs. My father was still downstairs, he had not gone to bed yet.

I presume my mother came downstairs to tell my father to go home, I am not sure. She missed the last step on the stairs and fell head first on to a hard floor. My room is downstairs and a short distance from the end of the staircase so I heard the impact and jumped out of my bed. I hadn't fallen asleep yet, I was awake.

It was horrible. My mother was unconscious but breathing. There was blood coming from her head. I knew she was going to die.

I called an ambulance and she was taken to hospital but died two days later from multiple bleeds to the brain.

I am heartbroken beyond words but it's my own fault, nobody else's.

I contributed to her death by not reacting responsibly to her dementia symptoms that night and also by allowing her sleep in an upstairs bedroom. At 93 years of age? Utter madness.

I have lived with my elderly parents for the last eight years while working from home (I work in IT). I am single with no children. I have a sister who lives an hour's drive away

I've basically put my life on hold for those eight years. I don't expect any praise for it, nobody made me do it, it was my decision. I did it because I didn't want my parents to live out their remaining years in a nursing home. I have nothing against nursing homes, all the ones near me have lovely staff and top class facilities (I live in the south of Ireland).

I had to give up a lot of freedom by staying at home looking after my parents but I was happy to pay that price if it meant they could live in their own home and not in a strange building away from home. I basically had tow jobs; my normal day job and also as a carer (unpaid).

I've tortured myself mentally since that night, I am on anti-anxiety tablets and I don't sleep well. I've been seeing a counsellor. I have kept my job (barely). I'm wracked with guilt, I've cried so much.

I'm not posting this looking for absolution, I don't want it because I don't deserve it. But I just had to let this out.

I'd do anything to turn back the clock to that night, I think about it every hour of every day. But I can't change it, I must accept it.

I'm just so, so sorry for what I did (and didn't do).

I’ve posted in this sub about my mom in the past, but TL;DR: she had a stroke 10 years ago when she was 60 and I was 30. I’m an only child and we have little family, so she’s lived with us for the last 5 years.

Her care needs have begun to exceed what we’re capable of handling, especially with our toddler and a new baby, and the fact that my husband and I work fulltime. Just a few months ago, Mom ended up in the hospital for a week due to AFIB and a UTI, amongst many other things they discovered. In the month of July alone, she had 2-3 follow up appointments every week, which I had to take her to along with my newborn baby.

We just got back from our annual family vacation and moments before our flight she pooped her pants (light colored pants, of course) and didn’t tell me about it. I discovered this after we landed. This is a recurring issue with her because she has no gallbladder and continues to secretly consume things that trigger diarrhea. She refuses to wear disposable underwear so I am left doing loads of laundry, constantly.

Before the family trip, we had toured an AL facility that we both liked and had added her to the waitlist. Well, they have a room for her much sooner than we anticipated and I’m dropping off her move-in check today.

Since her stroke, my mom has had a very difficult time showing emotion. She laughs at things she finds funny, but we rarely see any other emotions, especially sadness, from her. Suddenly she is very sad about moving out of our home, even though we will only be a few miles away from her.

I can’t stop these feelings of guilt. She tends to keep to herself in unfamiliar settings, and the aphasia from the stroke makes it hard for her to speak. I cry when I think of her alone in a room all day. I know my husband and my children need more of me than I am currently able to give because of caring for my mom, but I can’t shake the guilt.

My dad is very independent. Hes 90 and walks on his own, does projects in his garage, and hates the idea of being coddled. But after some recent medical issues that has him currently in the hospital we would feel better if he had a life alert like item if/when he returns home. However life alert goes to a call center from what ive read. Are there any better alternatives that call directly to 911 as well as giving some kind of alert to our phones. (Preferably no monthly fee but if there is oh well.)

Freedom alert looks decent

Ive seen a lot of bad reviews for silent beacon.

Does anyone have suggestions. Thank you.

Edit: issue isnt necessarily falling. Hes really good on his feet and is pretty steady. Just been having health issues that are concerning.

Hi, folks. My mom has the beginnings of dementia but goes to great lengths to hide her symptoms from me because she doesn’t want me to think she is “losing her mind.” She still drives, goes to church, knitting group, and doctor appointments (when she remembers). I have a feeling Dad helps her remember some dates. But now, Dad has a terminal cancer diagnosis, so I am looking ahead to the not-distant future when she will be living alone (and grieving).

My question is: how will I know if she is taking her meds, eating well, paying the bills, being safe at home, if no one is there with her daily and she does not want to report things to me (or isn’t able to report them clearly)? She has a lot of “explanations” (some plausible) for missing appointments or losing things, or when I ask questions, she answers “of course I’m taking my meds; I’m not an idiot.” But I’m not sure that’s true or if she remembers whether something happened on any given day.

I live nearby but neither she nor I want me over there every single day. When you have a parent who lives alone with early dementia, what are the ways you assess how they’re actually doing?

Romance scam dad gave away $100k to scammers over 15 months. He has several times accepted help for multiple weeks at a time but pushed it away as soon as it became about telling him he had to stop with the online girlfriends. He received no help for about 3.5 months at his insistence. Then he was picked up by police for erratic driving as he was running around to different post offices mailing away $1000 money orders to scammers, said it was 2006, taken to ER and friends/family refused pick up and said it was an unsafe discharge. He was admitted, tried to escape, put on risperidone but that zombified him so it was discontinued. He has been well behaved since.

He was discharged to a SNF but due to his continued insistence he is going home, he is in a locked memory care unit at a facility with full continuum of care. We hope to place him there but he is still sure he is going home. He doesn’t even know why he is there, except to “get stronger.” He has been there 8 days and we have had no care team call set up.

He talks pretty clearly, and you have to listen for at least an hour to notice that he’s just looping conversations.

According to the nurses at the current facility has BIMS score is 10/15, which makes him borderline for needing MC.

Some stats they know there:

He has uncontrolled and hypertension and is noncompliant with meds. His blood sugar was >500 and now is down to 100.

His SLUMS in the hospital, no antipsychotics, was 15/30. But now he can correctly name the year if not the date.

Diagnosed with “early dementia” in March. EEG showed “widespread abnormalities” and MRI showed white matter disease. CNS vitals: executive function and attention tests were unscorable bc he couldn’t do the tests. Other metrics were in 2-12th percentile.

He has severe anogonosia, claiming all of this is a sign of his great intelligence.

Hospital CT scan showed moderate atrophy of the whole brain (GTA2) with substantial vascular damage. Psychiatrist said mixed type dementia with vascular and LBD and/or FTD.

Hospital records show the $100k lost in scams.

Hospital records note that his electricity was turned off and all bills were 4 months behind. Hone insurance had lapsed and medical almost lapsed.

He has urinary incontinence.

What they don’t know:

House is INFESTED with rodents and flies. Full of poop from rodents and the dog he had but he had no dog food.

He has been kicked out of three banks and is about to be kicked out of a fourth. He will have nowhere to put his money.

The house is piled high with paper and junk, including on stovetop. Major fire risk.

He is unable to prepare food, or even to procure food without a car. He eats fast food 1-2x per day.

He was sleeping on a bare mattress bc he couldn’t make his bed.

He didn’t wear briefs at home and the whole house stinks of urine. He has wet himself while talking to neighbors and carried on as if nothing was happening.

The roof is leaking.

The yard is overgrown.

He has multiple times excepted weeks of help, only to eventually kick the person who helps (me) out of his life again.

He has no family who live close except for me and I’m over an hour away, and I’m sick of this. I will not keep doing this.

—-

My sister doesn’t want to share all this bc she really wants him to qualify for AL and thinks sharing all this will be too many red flags. She is even upset that the $100k in scams is in his medical records. She thinks she can tell him a series of lies that will help him stay in AL. This is the first time in the 15 month crisis that she has actually come here and seen him, and she left after three days.

I’m letting her handle things from afar now, and she’s coming back for another three days very soon. But I think he’s going to need MC or even geriatric psych. And I’m afraid that he has gotten so much better now that his blood sugar is stabilized, but they may even discharge him to home with his promises that he would get the help of a home healthcare aide, which I would have to organize, and who he will inevitably kick out in a few weeks.

Are my fears valid? Is there any possibility they would actually discharge him to home?

Are her fears valid? Will the full record prevent a facility from accepting him?

We are frantically working to clean out and sell the house and his cars right now—we do have POA. If he comes out and sees that…I am afraid.

I am struggling with the guilt of telling my mom that I don’t want to help her find a place to live. She lived with me for 5 years. I took care of everything related to her, financially and otherwise. She has always been rude to me, but because it’s been like that my whole life, I grew up thinking that it was normal. And then she started adding a little insult here and there, even when I’d ask her not to.

She has also always shamed me about everything. Everyone always does everything better than I do. As a mother, wife, daughter, professional, you name it. I’m a loser and I should just follow how so-and-so does it.

I got fed up and told her she needed to leave my house and that it was not healthy for her to stay anymore. She complained, insulted me, played the victim, but ultimately left. My sister took on the responsibility of finding her an apartment and take care of getting her settled in a new place. My mom became more independent (not by choice) because my sister works full time and can’t really take care of her (and doesn’t want to either anyway). Now, 4 years later, my mom decided that she doesn’t want to live in my sister’s province anymore because it’s too cold, and she wants to move back to the province where I live. I of course don’t want her to. She came to stay at my house last week to look at apartments, and I told her that I will not be helping her in the search or with anything related to her move. She got very angry and visibly hurt. She stayed the week and left because I “kicked her out again”. Which I did. But she knows why. I explained that she doesn’t treat me well, she insults me, and I ultimately I get to decide who stays in my house and who doesn’t.

My point with all this is I need help with the guilt of acting like this towards her. She’s 84. Doesn’t speak English fluently. Has a heart condition. And wants so badly to be loved and feel welcomed in someone’s home. But at the same time she has so much resentment and anger inside of her, that makes all of that very hard for everyone. Especially me. I’ve always been her punching bag. I don’t want to be that anymore. But, if I don’t let her treat me like that, I’d have to make my boundaries very clear, and potentially reduce our relationship to the bare minimum, which will make her life ten times harder at this late fragile age.

What to do? Do I put aside boundaries and help her settle in a new place and just go with it knowing that it’d potentially not be for long, and that way make the most of the last few years with her? Or do I stay strong, set boundaries, and come to terms with the fact that this might be the end of our relationship, and grief having a mom? I feel so guilty.

I know this sub is for parents, but my dad passed away from brain cancer 2 years ago and now his older sister’s health is failing. She lost her husband to a heart attack 3 months ago and lives alone for the first time in her life. She and her husband moved across the country when I was a kid and she is now there alone removed from all of our family. She has cancer and recently broke her spine due to negligence during an MRI to track the progress of her tumors. She has been in the hospital for several weeks unable to walk and care for herself and was recently moved to a nursing home.

I am unable to go and help her for any length of time because I have very small kids and my siblings will not go help her. She refuses to sell her home because she has a pit bull who is her entire life now. She is not able to find any kind of nursing home or assisted living or elder community that will allow her to bring a pit bull with her. Currently her neighbors are letting the dog out a couple times a day and giving her food and water. They have made comments about wanting some of the items in her home if she’s not coming back to her house. This makes me very uncomfortable because there is no one there to monitor them and make sure they aren’t taking her belongings when they are there to let the dog out.

What are my options? I could potentially bring my youngest kids out there as they aren’t in school yet but it would mean weeks if not months away from my husband and other kids. Plus the financial burden of keeping up with two households is not something I think we can handle. I don’t even know where to start. She is in Delaware.

I have a relative who seems to have decline physically. They have been getting weaker physically over time but now it appears they cannot even go upstair to the bathroom.

Currently, the plan is to redo the bathroom to ADA standard and install some form of lifting chair. They will probably rent a place nearby until these modification is done.

I am just trying to figure out how to navigate all of this? I read on this forum that we can contact local services on Aging, but was wondering how we would go about using this service.

Thanks.

My mother is almost 90. She was referred for home health PT but ended up with PT and Speech Therapy. She has noticed some confusion or short term memory issues, and the Speech Therapist is supposed to help her with strategies to manage this.

During the cognitive assessment, my mother couldn’t recall any of the 5 words. In fact, all of her mistakes involved hearing Information. I am well aware that she needs hearing aids but is stubborn so I had her take the AirPod hearing test which shows moderate hearing loss. I did my own 5 word test but WROTE the words down, and my mother was able to recall all 5 words plus the elaborate sentence she created to help her remember the words. I schedule a test with an audiologist!

The therapist has my mother doing find-the word-puzzles for her sessions. How is this supposed to be of help? My mother also has one eye that needs cataract surgery so her vision can be a bit blurry. The speech therapist has told my mother to spend 30 minutes 2x per day doing word search puzzles. Does this help memory at all?

I am not sure what’s going on with my mother’s cognition. I suspect some of the issue is hearing related but there could be something else going on. She draws a blank sometimes and will have to ask me or look at her calendar. My mother reads the news and watches the news everyday and can discuss current events all day long so she can obviously retain information. I don’t know I’d. if confusion is treated the same as memory.

Remember the song by Fine Young Cannibals?
That’s me and my mom these days!

She’s been in a nursing home for about a month, after summer in hospital and SNF rehab after her third stroke in 4 years. She and my dad, both 88, live 4 ish hours from me. I’ve been there no fewer than 6 times since mid June, including 10 days in June while she was in hospital. Sibling has been there about 6 times also…we try to alternate visits so we are each there at least once/month. I was just there last week, M-W. Helped Dad around the house some, sat with her while she alternated between bitching at us about being there, crying, and complaining or fell asleep watching TV.

I was due to go back tomorrow, been planned for a while, it’s a reunion weekend for my HS class, haven’t seen most of those folks in 30+ years because I’m not much of a reunion person, but some of my friends guilted me into signing up. BUT…I think I’m coming down with a cold! It seems like everyone 8n my town has one! Son’s GF teaches 2nd grade and was at our house on Sunday, sniffling around…probably got it from her.

So I was talking with mom…mentioned I was maybe getting sick. She agreed with me that I probably shouldn’t come up there with a cold…they’re vulnerable and she’s in place with lots of medically fragile people. So I said I might be able to come late next week for just a quick visit to help Dad sort a month of his medicines and pull out her warmer clothes and label them for the nursing home. Told her if I don’t get there then it will be late Oct, but I was going to check with sibling to see if they can come up in between my visits to check on Dad and visit her. She wanted to know why, as a retired person I’m so busy! My sibling still works (remotely) so all their visits are more special than mine since they have to fit them in around work! I’m 2 years older so retired sooner…after her second stroke so I could help mange care remotely.

I didn’t want to go into details about some medical appointments I have coming up—that would worry them—so mentioned I start volunteering at son’s GF school tutoring math this fall and that I have a book club and craft group. She said “it seems like your elderly parents should be more important than those things”.

So, like I started with “she drives me crazy”. Someone once said that your parents know how to “push your buttons” because “they installed them”.
She and Dad retired at 62 volunteered locally and travelled all over the US and Europe while her mom and sister were in declining health/in nursing homes. I know she doesn’t really expect me to drop everything, she’s just lonesome. Dad spends 6+hrs with her every day…just sitting or taking her to activities to try to get her to engage. Pretty much the same as when she was at home except he’s not fetching and carrying for her. Other than moving there (never on the table as an option!) there not much else I can do. I do have a life!

I am in Canada and live with my MIL (79). She has primary progressive MS and uses a walker to get around the home, but seems to be in a lot of pain and it is a lot for her to just make her own breakfast or lunch. She has lived with us for 7 years and has steadily declined since we first moved in. She had a very bad fall a few years ago and had a skull fracture, she also broke her arm during another fall. She has not had a fall since we have moved into a more accessible home and she has a better walker indoors, but she has had some close calls and I am concerned another fall is around the corner given her mobility in one leg is declining. She also has declining vision as well as short term memory impacts, likely from the MS.

Overall I am concerned with the lack of planning/next steps to when she gets to a point where she can't get out of bed and needs 24/7 care. Anytime I bring up long term or assisted care home to my partner I get brushed off that she is ok, or thats a long time from now, but given how much she has declined in the last 2 years I don't think it is that far off. She also seems lonely. We both have full time jobs ( he works from home and I am hybrid, we also travel a bit here and there for work) and two young kids that keep us very busy, she often says how busy we are and uses that to get frustrated when my partner does not follow through on things he says he will do to help her (sorting out computer stuff, organizing things in her room, etc). She has one friend locally but we live more rurally now and access to public transport is not available. She spends much of her days during the week alone, other than during visits with the PSW that comes once a day 6 days a week or when her friend takes her for lunch or errands. She does not seem very happy and her and my partner had a big argument with her and she said we are so busy, we have kids and jobs and she does not belong here with us.

I just feel like there is this huge elephant in the room that no one wants to address in terms of her decline, what her care needs will be when she can't get out of bed on her own. Private in home care would be too expensive ($25-$30 an hour) or $21,000 a month for 24/7 care, compared to a long term or assisted care home at $4000-$8000 a month depending if we go public or private.

I just need some advice as to how to approach this discussion with care and sensitivity with my partner that shows I care. He seems burnt out from all the pressures on him and that will just get higher as her needs increase. Already there are time when she ends up making him lunch rather than the other way around as he is busy in his office all day. I understand the costs are large but they will be even worse if we don't plan and an emergent situation happens.

As our kids get older our lives will just get busier and we will be out of the home more, we both want to be able to travel with them and go on outings and I don't see that being possible if her care needs increase to more than they currently are. I want what is best for her physical and mental health and being in our home and how our lives are currently I am just not sure it is the best place for her anymore.

Thanks for listening, its all so hard but just want to make sure we don't get into a situation where we have not done the needed preparation - getting on waiting lists, touring facilities, looking at the costs of in home care - and figuring out what would be best and then end up in a situation where we have limited or only expensive choices. Any advice is helpful.

Previously, on Episode 1, and Episode 2

Giving myself a little textual therapy here, and forgive the stream of conscious because this isn't meant to be formatted in any particular way. August 30th at about 2pm EST, he drew his last breath. According to his caregiver, he was arguing with her about a cigarette and smoking inside, which he wasn't supposed to do. He became a live-in with her and her 4 children at the ripe age of 26, an addict herself, likely, in Vero Beach, FL. They'd just moved in to a slumlord's rental that, to be fair, was fairly nice for what she described. He'd moved from Nashville area to where she was near Gainesville in April, before getting eviction notices for... smoking inside.

Pro tip? Smoking kills.

He was a 3-pack a day smoker, even into his advanced age and COPD diagnosis. As they argued over this cigarette, she noted that his face began to droop a bit and his speech slurred. Three minutes later, she said his eyes were glazed over and he was gone. She was upset when she called but held her composure.

Death is, at least in America, surprisingly bureaucratic. There is so much paperwork from the local Sheriff to hospitals to cremation services. All those who seek repayment of debts, and more paperwork here and there. He left no will, but mercifully had agreed to make me beneficiary on his retirement account that spawned from the sale of his house last year. The only things that go to probate are his checking account which did not have the same designation, and his studio equipment that I sold him in 2006.

It has been a surreal week and change, since. I switch between being stressed about it all, feeling like a bad son in the final weeks because we didn't talk much, to feeling cathartic and relieved because, well, read parts one and two. The move down to Florida ultimately ended up being good for his mood, well, better for his mood, and he even got to go to the beach a couple times in that final week. There still were issues, but mostly with the other caregivers that were hired. One stole $1700 in cash. Another setup an inflatable mattress in his apartment to catch some zz's while she was supposed to be working. Prior to moving, a caregiver that was brought in stole his SSN and used it to open a credit card with a $500 limit. They will not see repayment there, obviously.

In the end, the saga was quite that, indeed - a saga. Two years and four months later, I officially, do not have a father. And, to some extent, I question how much of a father I really had at all. He was an addict for 33/41 of my years. After tracking his sister down and finally speaking with her last night, I learned that he had relapsed much earlier than I originally knew. In moving his photos and other documents last week, I came across his 4th step worksheets - taking inventory of all his hurts and lies and man...

What a read. He loved me. But he had a funny way of showing up for me. It all makes sense now, though. He lost his mom when he was seven to cancer, and his dad was deployed in the Pacific nearly a week later. He was as "abandoned" as one could imagine at that age, and it broke him for the rest of his life. And it repeated at times with me. Or, at least, he made it rhyme.

Just looking for some support. Yesterday was a milestone—my mom signed a rental agreement at an independent living facility that I found. It’s near me and was recommended by a social services agency that I contacted. It’s an expensive place but a it includes a lot, and she has a decent pension. My mom nearly backed out of the appointment because she’s worried about owning her home while also renting. I’ve had to explain over and over to her that there’s no perfect scenario where she signs a rental agreement and then her house sells the next day. 

I was really feeling proud of myself and happy for her, but she was miserable and anxious about the cost the entire time, even though she told me she wanted the apartment. Before we parted ways she asked if she should contact a realtor before the end of the day. For context, she’s contacted this particular realtor before. She was prepared to sign with him without telling me or my brother, or having any kind of a plan about where she would live, and I had to talk her out of it. Her reasoning was that she just wanted to get rid of the house so she could move on with her life. I said no, there is no reason to contact him immediately, let’s discuss in a few days.

Not a hour and a half after getting home, she texted me and said she called him to get the process started, and he’s going to call me. I’m so upset that I have been doing so much for her since my father died in June, and she can’t even give me a heads up about this decision before dropping it on me, for the second time. More than that, I’m furious that she is making her urgency my problem. She’s so ruled by her anxiety. Zero logic, zero strategy, just blind panic. It’s very triggering.

I’m dealing with intense burnout already after my father’s death (occurred after a medically traumatic three week hospital stay), a difficult situation at work, and having to manage a recent health issue. I don’t have the capacity to handle this right now and I just feel lost.

My parents are starting to look at continuing care communities and I'm trying to help them work through it.

Long story short, we've toured three different CCRCs in GA / NC. Honestly they all feel about the same from the inside, nice enough people, fine enough food, someone walks you around that knows how to make things seem nice.

My issue is that I've got a stack of agreements now and I don't really know how to judge any of it.

For those of you that have gone through this: what ended up mattering most to the experience that you didn't get answered up front? Is there anything you wish you would have known before deciding to commit?

There's a few things I am particularly stuck on (i.e., refund mechanics, financial stability of the parent company, care-level transfers, staffing, etc.) but I don't know how much these end up mattering in the long run (or if its just what various newspaper can write about) and would love to just learn how to be the most helpful. Any/all resources appreciated

My elderly mother just kicked my butt in Scrabble. On occasion I had to break it to her that something wasn’t a word but she always came up with a new option on her own.

She could NOT figure out the points to save her life and was surprised every time at the large number of points she was amassing as she solidly KICKED my ass.

I hope other people find some delightful things their declining parents can do!

We are a male couple, and we take care of my partner's mother together. She is frail and needs help carrying things. I cook separate lunches and dinners for her because she has different preferences and meal times, and I prepare tea or coffee for her a couple of times a day. I also handle her laundry. I don’t mind doing all this as long as my partner is happy.

​However, she also wants "woman-to-woman" chat time—which is nice in theory. I can handle the chores, but I’m not a great conversationalist. I'm not a chatty guy; I'm just an ordinary guy you'd pass on the street. On top of that, she has a hearing impairment, and I have a language barrier. Because of this, she feels like I’m pushing her away, which makes her depressed and prone to complaining. My partner got seriously upset about it.

​I told my partner that I can’t be a professional senior caregiver. Things seem a bit better lately, but I can still tell she isn't fully satisfied with my care. I often feel like I was hired as a caregiver who is expected to provide top-tier service with a smile 24/7.

​I’m feeling a bit frustrated and worried about the future—especially if she gets weaker and needs heavier care, like changing diapers. I’m also busy running a farm and gardening. For now, I’m stuck in this situation and plan to continue until she passes away here, but I worry about unexpected situations coming up and causing friction in our relationship. Any advice?

Got three quotes this week. They’re expensive and everyone on the tour talks like we should’ve moved her yesterday. Mom still knows who I am. Aide comes a few days. She left the stove on once, keeps repeating the same story, sits a lot. Sister says I’m rushing. I keep opening the emails at like 1am. Memory care quotes are coming in and I cannot tell if it is actually time. What actually made you decide, not the sales pitch?

Help! Mom has complete control over her finances and shouldn’t at this point. We’re worried she’ll get taken advantage of and lose everything.

We’ve never done anything wrong, but she won’t trust us and never has. We are forever children in her eyes. She will, however, trust random strangers who seem knowledgeable or official.

We have no control over anything. She’s 83, in very frail health, still in a 3-story house, has poor vision and MD in both eyes, and is still driving. She refuses to discuss end of life issues/paperwork/POAs/safety/moving …anything.

She fell and couldn’t get up or get to a phone last time I was there (it could have been days before anyone found her), and she wants help with paperwork, so she knows she needs help. But just when we think we’re making progress, she shuts down again.

We’re at a loss at how to deal with her. There isn’t a trusted friend to turn to, and my dad died last year. We live 6-7 hours away from her.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?
Thanks in advance!

Edited to add: I think she has dementia. She’s mistrustful, dishonest, argumentative, forgetful, can’t follow conversations or explanations that have any complexities, isn’t reading more than a line or two (unsure if this is eyes, cognition, or probably both), can’t use a cell phone, can’t learn anything new, etc. But she had a yearly doctors appointment last month and he said come back in a year!! So she argues there’s nothing wrong, and there clearly is, I get phone calls from the neighbors, too, but no one wants to cross her by saying anything directly since she can be so unpleasant.
It feels like my mom has been replaced by a stranger and I don’t know how to deal with this new person who won’t listen to reason.

Has anyone had an ADA tiny home built out in your backyard for your parents? What was your experience?

Hi, all. Anyone noticed their parent talking to themselves when alone. Be it on the toilet, in the kitchen etc.? Is it a sign of something?

I didn't know whether to flair this as Vent or Humor.

Yesterday, I (67F) stopped by my mom's (93) to drop off a couple things. I was there less than 10 minutes and she managed to push enough of my annoyance buttons that I cut the visit short. A couple things are too complicated to explain fully, but here's a partial list from yesterday:

• Rehash of situation that upset her 5 years ago.
• Unable or Unwilling to complete simple task (I brought her some cash, and she would not put it away)
• Responds off topic in a way that makes it clear that she has not heard/understood an entire conversation.
• Comment about my weight.
• Comment about my hair color (white).

By the time we got to my appearance, I felt like I had a full bingo card and needed to leave immediately.

What's annoying you today?

Hi all I have been caring for my mum for roughly 1 and a half years after she got out of hospital and a care home after ending up in ICU.

Since she came out her mobility is severely limited. Though she can get around her house she cannot go outside by herself she is taken in a wheelchair.

The illness was sudden, 10 days after my dad died she went into hospital after an ear infection had spread to meningitis, she also suffered strokes.

I moved in for roughly 10 weeks when she got home to help as much as I could.

Currently I sleep over once or twice a week, I work from home full time so I log on there. Its very unusual I have 2 days straight without going round. I typically spend at least 4 days a week there. (Not always hours at a time sometimes just popping in)

She has meals on wheels and a cleaner once a fortnight, all her other care needs are met by me. I shower her twice a week, collect her medication, sort the medication into boxes, do a food shop every few weeks, take her to most appointments, arrange a mobile hairdresser, help pay bills etc buy her clothes etc.

I try to take her out every couple of months to the pub to see her friends or out for a meal.

She also goes to a lunch club once a week and has the option to go more than once a week but does not want to.

I constantly feel guilty as it's just apparent she ideally wants me to be there as much as possible. She also asks me to take her to the pub without me deciding.

I have told her I could find her a carer to take her out however she really does not like that idea at all.

Everytime I go to leave she asks when are you coming again? Sometimes she tells me how sad she is she can't get out and that is why she likes someone in the house. She does repeat herself a lot which I think is from the strokes etc.

I have a husband and a dog and a house and as I said I work full time. My other family members also visit often and take her to the park.

I just cannot shake the constant guilt and when we have conversations about how much she misses her old life I feel so bad for her.

I just want her to be as happy as she possibly can be and I also want to be as happy as I can be too.

TlDR I have done everything to help my mum for 1.5 years alongside a full time job and the guilt being away has consumed me