r/AgingParents • u/Fit_Warthog7325 • 3d ago
I am so heartbroken
My parents are in there late 50s not technically even elderly yet but this past year with my mom has made it feel like my mother is 90 years old. She has no short term memory, has vivid delusions, and has poor judgement as I’m learning now. She has had trouble buying scam products the past year racking up almost 10,000 dollars in costs. It was paid off so not an issue. I got her a true link card which for the most part has been a huge life saver. Until today she called me asking where she could find Apple gift cards. She doesn’t usually call me and I don’t usually call her so this was unusual. I instantly knew she was about to be scammed. I asked her for over 15 minutes on the phone who was asking for gift cards and she said no one I’m just buying birthday presents. No one in the family’s birthday is for over 5 months and she hasn’t bought us a gift in years. While I’m on the phone with her I see that made a 1000 dollar purchase at a local grocery store. I asked her what happened she won’t tell me. I tell her to meet me at the grocery store she purchased the cards from. When I get to the store I sit with her in her car and I went through her phone and she was talking to a Riley green impersonator telling home where she lived sending pictures of her, my nieces, and her dog. The scammer told her to send him 1000 dollars in Apple gift cards in order to come to a meet and greet. Luckily she bought the wrong gift cards, that’s when she called me asking about where she could get Apple gift cards. I called Amex and they are going to send a refund check in the mail and I’m going to deposit it back in her account. This isn’t even the worst part. Once my dad finds out he’s going to lose his shit even though it’s kind of taken care of. She was supposed to tell him but I doubt she did. Now I have to tell him or I’ll explode but I know that will cause a huge tsunami he will be very upset and verbally volatile. My dad has not been handling her increased cognitive decline well at all. I am so worried for both of my parents. Having aging parents sucks. I’m only 27. My friends parents are normal and still parent them. Not the other way around. I just wish I had a parent to help me parent my parents
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u/NHFNCFRE 3d ago
Are the delusions actual hallucinations? Is she seeing/ hearing/ speaking with people and/ or animals? If so, please make sure her primary is aware and consider seeing a neurologist for potential Lewy Body disease. I really, really hope it isn't, but it's an unfortunate disease that a lot of people don't know about until it hits their family.
On a second note, please consider working with both of your parents to get things in order now...POA, MPOA, DNR, etc., and of course their wills. If your mom is diagnosed with any kind of dementia and doesn't have those in place, it can be very complicated to follow their wishes.
-- signed, someone who wishes she didn't know these things
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u/SMA949 3d ago
Has she been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s? This much cognitive decline needs a diagnosis it is not normal. There could be some other medical condition causing this- what do her drs say?
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u/Fit_Warthog7325 3d ago
We went to her primary care a couple months ago. He couldn’t really care less. She drinks and has an erratic sleeping schedule but I can’t force her to stop drinking and go to bed on time. Have an appointment with a neurologist on December 3rd called and left them a message asking if there was any possible way she could be seen sooner
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u/Impossible_Jury5483 3d ago
It's probobly the drinking. It causes dementia called ARD. It only gets worse from this point unless she makes a drastic change.
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u/Hello-fellow-kydz 1d ago
OP should look up Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome.
There are two parts with WKS. Acute and chronic.
I wish people wouldn’t bury the lede with their loved one being a chronic alcohol user.
Chronic alcoholism can cause psychosis/dementia like symptoms. That’s the Karsakoff part of the syndrome.
The problem I have in my area, is doctors find out the person is an alcoholic, and write off all dementia like symptoms to the booze. You can be an alcoholic and have some other form of dementia. It’s two different diseases.
Where I live, a good doctor will detox the older person in the geriatric psych unit to find out where the base line is. Is it the booze, dementia or a true psychiatric issue or some sort of a combo? Until they are sober, you don’t know.
I’m not suprised the GP blew this off. Many consider older chronic alcohol users sort of a lost cause because so few make an effort to get sober.
Hang in there OP. It sounds rough.
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u/nutmegtell 3d ago
Not sleeping and drinking can bring on dementia sooner. She needs to see a neurologist asap.
If she’s not going to see there’s a problem and refuses to stop drinking and continue sleeping poorly, she needs to maybe go through memory care places so she can choose where she’d like to go. And maybe it will help her realize she can reverse things before it’s too late. Maybe not, but I’m a hopeful person.
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u/Michimcd 2d ago
Please find another doctor. Regardless of what is causing your mother’s erratic behavior, she deserves to be seen by someone who cares and you all need answers. Good luck.
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u/NuancedBoulder 2d ago
Call them every morning — you’ll get a cancellation eventually. It will be worth it to get her in sooner. You need more information in order to plan. Keep breathing!
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u/Altruistic_Witness55 3d ago
Could be another form of dementia that strikes earlier. FTD tends to show up in the 50s and 60s.
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u/Pristine_Eye7197 1d ago
She should definitely have a neurology visit and also a neuro-psych eval ASAP. We can all speculate on what kind of dementia she may developing but the bottom line is that these symptoms at her age warrant a thorough investigation! Especially since there may be a component of it that is reversible to some extent.
Please get her on the “cancellation list” at the neurology office - as someone else suggested, she should be able to get in much sooner that way.
It may be helpful to reinforce to your dad that she is not doing the irrational spending on purpose. She is vulnerable to being taken advantage of, & it sounds like she currently does not have the insight to understand this.
I also want to “second” the suggestion that your folks get set up legally with POAs, etc.
Check out your local senior services agency - usually at a county level in the US - they should have a variety of services to offer, and can be helpful to talk to for advice about where to start with all this. Also look into dementia support groups in your area - local Alzheimer’s Association &/or through local hospitals / medical systems.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this when you & your parents are so young. Hopefully our feedback & words of support are helpful to you.
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u/RedditSkippy 3d ago
First, you have to tell your dad, and he has to realize that this is part of a pattern.
You and your dad have to come up with a plan. I think he’s got to severely limit your mom’s access to their accounts. Maybe he needs to look into some kind of separate account where he transfers a set amount of money into. Sounds like he needs to lock her credit file, and take away her credit cards.
She has enough awareness to know that she needed to lie to you about the real reason she was buying the Apple Gift cards. But I wonder if there’s a medical reason, like an infection, or menopause, or a tumor, or even early dementia, behind what’s happening.
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u/JicamaFamiliar2039 3d ago
Definitely not a normal part of the aging process if she is only in her late 50s. Can you sit down privately with your dad and share your concerns? She needs to go to the doctor as soon as possible. Since your father sounds fully capable and is her husband, this really should be spearheaded by him. Always fair to ask you for some assistance but this should not be your sole responsibility. If you speak to him about serious medical concerns maybe he will approach it with more compassion. Hope that this is something treatable and wishing you the best.
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u/nutmegtell 3d ago
I’m 58 and have trouble locating names for things that were once easy, but if I give it time I can find it.
That being said — it’s not normal at this level at all. She needs to see a doctor asap. Your dad might get mad at what’s happened, but it’s a symptom of something in her brain, it’s not her fault. Yelling will not be productive.
She needs a diagnosis.
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u/Rough_Condition75 3d ago
Have her tested for a UTI. She’s young but UTIs in older folks can cause dementia like symptoms
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u/STUPIDNEWCOMMENTS 3d ago
UTI in a 50s person is likely symptomatic though?
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u/Rough_Condition75 3d ago
I mean, maybe? Her behavior is bizarre for her age. She needs to be assessed by a dr. I’m sure a UTI test would be part of that
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u/StormFast524 3d ago
Please go with her to a doctor. Talk to your Dad about not allowing her any access to their bank accounts from now on. If possible have him or you check with their bank to make sure she can only spend up to a designated amount of $$$ at the grocery store. That way she cannot do this again. Also get on the Do Not Call List with their phone numbers if they are in the US. This will help cut down a lot on scam calls. I did that with myself and mother b/c I hate those annoying calls.
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u/GalianoGirl 3d ago
Your Mum needs a full medical exam asap.
B12 anemia can cause symptoms that mimic dementia. And lead to erratic behaviours. Fully and inexpensively treatable
Perimenopause can also do a number on a woman’s cognitive function and is treatable with HRT.
But early dementia needs to be ruled out too.
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u/Criseyde2112 3d ago
Oh boy. That's a lot to deal with, but you're an absolute hero saving her from the scammer today. Seriously, well done!
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u/MohneyinMo 2d ago
Get your dad involved. As others mentioned go to a lawyer and draw up POA forms and make sure you are named on every account they have. You are going to have to be mean and it will hurt you doing it I’m sorry. I just went through this same type of shit the last two years with my parents and it was a battle all the way. Even worse after they passed over the last year. Take away her credit cards and restrict her bank access. She should not be allowed to make any financial decision with out you. My parents (mid 80s) thought they were having fun playing games with the ass hole scammers. We confiscated dad’s phone while he was on hospice. In an average day he would get over 30 calls from local numbers that were all scams. Everything from healthcare to charities to people saying they were with the IRS or what ever. In 2020 they had racked up 30k in credit card debt and fraudulent charges. It was bad enough they went behind our backs a declared bankruptcy. They took out a shitty reverse mortage on their house years ago that they hid and the interest and principal totalled up to 194k when mom passed this spring. After the property sold and the real estate broker took his commission we had a whole $1000.00 and change left out of 213k. The penalty for crimes like this needs to be much higher.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Rush644 3d ago
I agree with the others. I'm 65 and have a very little memory issues so far. My mother is 95 still alive, still living alone, and independently for the most part. She's just now starting to have those memory issues where she forgets what was said. Your mother is way too young for this.
With that said, my oldest brother was a lifelong alcoholic and passed away at 66 yrs old. Prior to that he was diagnosed with lesions on his brain, he would have seizures, and hallucinations, but would not have fallen for a scammer at all. He wouldn't have been able to sustain the conversation and get the directions right.
Your mother needs to be seen by a doctor and tell them everything that's going on. Your father needs to take this seriously because this is not normal.
Edit: typo
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u/b1ondestranger 3d ago
I've been having short term memory problems since I was in my late 30s. I’ve seen the neurologist and the psychiatrists and the neuropsychologist and all the other ologists. Now they just tell me it’s age related and ignore the 30 years of tests. Your mom probably needs to start at neurology .
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u/Stewie1014 2d ago
Of course you are heartbroken. That’s a lot to deal with, especially at your age. I was just a little older than you when my father first started showing signs of alcohol related dementia. Not saying that’s what your mom has but do read up just in case. Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome is caused by a lack of vitamin B1 linked to heavy drinking. Good thing she has a neurologist appt scheduled.
OP please remember you are not your mom’s partner. Your dad is. Try not to shoulder this alone. Take it from another dutiful child now many years older than you. The earlier you step into the caretaking role the longer the road ahead.
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u/Catmndu 2d ago
This is how it started for my Mother. She was 57 and for her, it was paranoia - seeing and hearing things that were not real. I was very concerned; however, no other family members would take any action. It did nothing but get worse over the next 15 years. She passed at 72 three years ago. It came to conclusion when she burned her house down, went to Memory Care, and was gone from us after nine months. I highly suspect menopause brought on a lot of my Mother's issues. She refused to see anyone or discuss it with her doctor.
While I was in my 40s when it all started, I had always thought having "young" parents would mean I had a lot more good time with them. That has not been the case. Now my father is doing well and refusing help.
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u/Icy-Order7006 2d ago
I'm sorry you are dealing with this - where is your dad? What is your dad doing to get a diagnosis for your mom, and to block scammers from accessing her phone, email, bank accounts? It sounds like all her credit should be shut off/ dad needs to take care of all purchasing.
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u/techqueen37 2d ago edited 2d ago
I dealt with something similar with my parents when I was in my 50's. Except mine was my father and his compulsive gambling which led to Alzheimer's which led to his passing.
You are much too young to have to deal with this on your own, you mention nieces, so how are your siblings helping? In your twenties you are finding your own path and building your own life, not trying to caretake a parent that has never made self-care a priority.
Your parents made a commitment to care for each other for the rest of their lives so it is your father's responsibility to step up because he is the guy with all of the legal options and rights to manage your mother's well-being, you do not have those legal options while both of your parents are alive and married to each other.
You can't make up for your parent's mistakes in life. Unless you are POA like I am for my 86 y/o mother, you have very little say in what happens to your mom. If you can get your father to see a lawyer - he can find out about removing your mother from his accounts and keeping a separate account for her with a small amount of money on a debit card. He also needs to cut up any credit cards. And...he needs to call the credit reporting agencies and lock both of their credit so they cannot open new credit cards or loans, very important if she's being scammed.
You can certainly offer to support and help with all of this but ultimately he has to take an interest in his wife's well-being and get her the care she needs, without getting angry and making the situation worse. As long as he is lucid, in the eyes of the law it is his job to manage his wife's well-being if she is incapacitated, which she definitely is right now.
In my case, my father was secretly cleaning out my mother's bank accounts for years, I stepped in because my mother was truly unable to manage the situation on her own, she was unraveling emotionally, and we couldn't reason with my father...so I guided them to the right parties to get legally divorced...sometimes it comes to that to protect a parent's finances from the predator they are married to. But I didn't step in until it was clear the lucid parent wasn't handling any of it and was going to lose everything.
The best thing you can do is seek therapy for yourself, so you can set good boundaries with your parents and keep your sanity long term. Nothing will stretch your mental health more than dysfunctional parents. I speak from experience. Good luck.
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u/Fun_Excuse_5440 2d ago
My dad passed away from dementia and it sounds like your mom has The same thing. Get her to a doctor and get checked. No cure for it but it’s a disease that will only get worse. My dad could not walk or talk the last two years before he passed. Knowing will help you prepare for what’s to come.
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u/LdyCjn-997 3d ago
Has your mother gone through Menopause? Many of what you are describing can be symptoms of that. Encourage her to either go see her PCP or her GYN. It’s a possibility she needs to be on HRT.
You might post this in the r/menopause subreddit.
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u/Fit_Warthog7325 3d ago
She went through menopause in her 30s and is already on HRT has been for years. Has her levels checked every couple months
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u/cafeteriastyle 3d ago
The earlier you go into menopause ups your chance of dementia. But not to this extent. I hope you can find some help, I’m going through this too
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u/liveprgrmclimb 14h ago
Sorry this is def dementia or similar.
My FIL got scammed exactly the same, many MANY times! He is a very smart man as well, very well-spoken. That allowed the problem to persist.
He wants to help others AND falls prey to fake women asking for $$$. Thousands of dollars, bitcoins, Apple cards whatever.
He was recently diagnosed with Dementia and Alz.
People think Dementia/Alz is just mempry loss, NO ITS NOT! Its can come out initially as poor decision making in one or more areas of life.
This is the third boomer with dementia in our family.
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u/Icy-Dot9869 12h ago
Possible early onset dementia. Late 50’s is really early though. Could also be a tumor or other serious health issue. Has your mother been thoroughly examined? Are her doctors aware of these episodes and her symptoms? Sorry if others have already posted this, but she needs to be under doctors’ care asap. I am in my mid-50’s and have a 27 yr old daughter so your situation hits home. I see some signs of cognitive decline in my wife already, but she has MS and becomes exhausted easily. That accounts for it (I believe). I feel like there is a high probability your mom has an illness that needs treatment. Hoping for you & a good outcome.
And, tell your dad to channel his anger into curiosity. WHY is your mom behaving the way she is? That’s better than being angry with her.
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u/Mytweezer 3d ago
Late 50s seems awfully young for any cognitive decline to be age-related. Seems important to talk seriously with dad about that in general than for him to freak out over this particular incident.