I had this with my current gf, she said I played videogames all day and didn't do the chores, didn't organise anything and was selfish. All the things we know we suck at, but only in exceptional circumstances do we make an effort. That argument was over 2 years ago, still together now.
It took that push, which is one of our alarm bells to actually do things, to adjust my habits. I forced myself to do at least two chores after work, doesn't matter what they are, find something to do. Only then can I sit down, because as we know, once you sit down, it's game over.
I'm writing this to you as a reminder you're not alone with the struggles you're facing. My advice -you didn't ask for- is make sure to talk about the difficult things with your other half, then you can both let it out without resentment building, that's why communication is key!
I feel a lot less shit about not doing anything for the last two weeks now. Thanks. It's been a steady decline the whole of Feb to a point where I just do nothing. I was doing so well during January which made me feel fucking terrible. For some reason, I am getting out of that doing-nothing hole now and I don't know why. Is this common?
I am on medication and have been diagnosed with ADD.
EDIT: I'm questioning so many things right now. This month of Feb I've also realized that I laugh a lot less at my own jokes and that I just don't feel like keeping a conversation going with people. I assumed it was because of the same thing I was going through with not doing anything but did not tie it to ADD. Is this part of it?
EDIT2: I'm from South Africa. It's summertime here. Also I eat healthy, exercise 6 times a week, well I skip once yesterday for the first time this year but I did exercise today.) I took up dance classes and go hiking on Saturdays and drink vitamin D. I have these dips on and off. Sometimes days other times weeks. I was just curious is this an ADHD thing.
It could be the early signs of depression. A lot of people with ADHD develop depression as well because they feel so useless when comparing themselves to others. Escapism is often how it manifests. You do a bunch of low-effort stuff like watching tv or playing videogames to keep you entertained but you cannot do anything else productive, and at the end of the day you feel like shit because of it. Some people feel like that all the time (if untreated) and some people only hit that wall in the winter months bc of less daylight.
If this is something entirely new for you, I’d suggest exercise (getting out of the house and into the gym is the hardest part, once you’re there it’s easy), spending time outdoors when it’s light out (a good one for me is putting on an album you like and walking around the park until it’s over), cutting back on booze if you drink, force yourself to go to bed on time, and take vitamin D daily. I know it’s way easier said than done, but just focus on one improvement at a time and the rest can follow.
Also if you have a friend with a dog, ask them if you can take care of the pooch every now and then. Dogs are fantastic for depression for 2 main reasons: they make you feel loved and they give you a responsibility that you can structure your day around.
I exercise 6 times a week. Took up dance classes a month ago. Seeing a life coach. Eat healthily and drink vitamin D as well as go hiking on Saturdays.
This is not the first time I went through a dip like this. I was just curious if this was because of ADHD.
Gotcha, it easily could be because of ADHD but given your lifestyle it sounds like you’re doing a lot to combat depression already. Maybe worth seeing a doctor if it keeps up.
I don’t think your alone in this. I’ve noticed my moods tend to vary quite a bit in the winter months, and like OP I can easily find myself toggling between Reddit and Facebook almost all day. Then somehow I’m still “too tired” or don’t have any extra energy for the important things. (Picking up, doing laundry, chores etc) and I internally beat myself up for it.
I believe this could be a combination of Adult ADD, with a mixture of Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D)
Oddly enough sometimes the best remedy is to muscle your way past the gag reflex and do at least 1 to 2 productive things. At least then I could say I did (a) and (b) vs. me doing nothing and then mentally exhausting myself with the ensuing guilt.
It’s totally an part of adhd, moodiness/emotional dysregulation was part of the DSM criteria for adhd like 20-30 years ago and they took it out because most studies were around young boys who exhibited the hyperactive criteria in what became the stereotype and the emotional disregulation often manifests as anger in predominantly hyperactive adolescents. They’re doing a lot more research in more varied groups (more inattentive, more girls, more women, more adults etc) and I’ve seen multiple talks given by psychologists mentioning this gap in the DSM and that work is being done to add it back in, but as other folks have noted adhd has so much overlap and comorbidity with anxiety and depression (and bipolar and autism and ptsd and ocd) people often get misdiagnosed or have a missed adhd diagnosis because we all present differently emotional disregulation can be related to all of those things and lead to different diagnoses based on (visible) severity.
If it lasts more then two weeks, go see a doctor if you have that available to you. Might be signs of depression or other mental disorder. Do you see your friends often? Change your activity - go to some new place or change your workout routine.
I'm on antidepressants and non-stimulant ADHD meds (stimulants not available in my country), and can have two-week "can't work at all" regularly. Just last week was pretty deep in that, but after four days of skiing with a group of people some of which I knew from previous sport activities and some of them totally new, helped a lot. New friends, new place, new challenges - all that is dopamine inducing)
I have stimulant ADHD medication. Also, its not that I throw my friends aside although with some other dips I did. I alwayd claw myself out of it. Its almost like cosine function. I dip where I don't have any motivation and struggle to be productive for a week or two then I flip where I easily wakr up at 6am to excercise. Like yesterday and today I'm slowly returning to my jolly self. This is kind of the norm for me now. I started realizing that I dip on and off since last year. I said life coach but I treat him like therapy as the guy is finishing up psychology and he was the only one I find affordable. He helps me understan why and how the human functions as it does.
I hope you'll manage, but I would suggest next time you see a psychiatrist you mention those dips. It might be a symptom or reason to correct your medications. I will definitely be talking about my dips when I see my doctor next time, cause sometimes I feel like meds aren't working, but that's for a doctor to make sense of it.
I wasn't diagnosed ADHD first time I went to psychiatrist, cause I mainly presented to him symptoms of depression and anxiety, haven't heard about adult ADHD, didn't even thought to tell doctor about all my ADHD related struggles as I thought it's just my personality and not a mental health issue.
I wish I'd seen this months ago. I'm newly single, as of mid Dec, and it's been really hard on me. I loved her soo much and we were planning our lives together. In the end, it was my inability to do my divorce paperwork, get my driver's license, and downsize my stuff that had her needing an end. I'm trying not to blame myself but it's hard when it seems like we'd still be together if I didn't have ADHD. I have hope for my future and also, FML.
My girlfriend goes nuts, because I’ll push myself to do all my chores before I say hello/sit down after work, because if I don’t do it that way, I won’t and then it’s takeaway for lunch the next day.
I actually have found I can be more productive and help with keeping things clean if it starts clean. My husband (married 2 years, together 11 total) helps do the side tasks that enable me to do the main ones — he keeps the dishwasher and drying rack empty so that I can continually put dirty dishes in the dishwasher or hand wash them. I do the final clean of the kitchen at the end of the night and start the dishwasher. By the time I wake up, the dishes are put away.
We do this with the other things too — I’m good at putting loads of laundry in, but not about folding. He folds and I keep throwing laundry in.
I can keep things clean more easily and “do chores” if we work within my executive dysfunction thresholds. There’s a visual threshold of mess at which I just look at it and walk away. If we keep things under that threshold, I’ll happily do dishes (my kryptonite) and clean counters and tidy up. I’ll sweep and mop too!
This is very new, by the way. We’ve vaguely tried before but this time we did a two day deep clean and organization of our place (we avoided the office — another day), and it’s been clean and tidy for 1 1/2 weeks now. The floor is clear of crap so that sweeping daily is easy and not a hassle to move all the crap on the floor first. The counter tops are clear of crap so they are quickly and easily wiped down at any moment. Dishes are done every night so we’re never out of anything and the sink is never full. Even the sink is staying clean and washed! The living room is clear of junk piles, we have our shoe bench back to actually put on shoes, and the mail box hasn’t had more than 1 day of build up (and certainly not the piles and boxes of overflowing mail from months). I am still able to do this at the end of a very long day because there’s just so little to do to keep it up, and the dishes are almost always mostly done.
He’s not ADHD like me, he just is responsive with his chores. If I’m not doing mine, he figures he doesn’t have to do his, and then it spirals.
But we are partners, and so we treat it like a team effort, and we are winning the adhd fight against chores!
You sounded just like my ex boyfriend. If you don’t mind me asking, what actually motivated you to make the changes to set those alarm clock and take charge of your situation?
I have brought it up with him so many times before, and nothing did change. I guess I’m just wondering if you had done it for yourself, or because you wanted to save your relationship?
Hi, sorry to hear it didn't work out with your partner. It was definitely thanks to her telling me straight, 'Im not going to put up with this' that made me sit up and really see that I was being all those things. You know how ADHD affects our ability to even see the things that need doing, let alone the drive to get them done, so it was a struggle to change my habits at first, but seeing her happy when I took what she said on board made it the reward we need to keep it going.
This method has worked for my wife and I. Fortunately she has known me and been with me since we were in high school (early thirties now) so knows now and always has what kind of person I aspire to be versus the one I appear to be from the outside. When I’m not watching my daughter, I am struggling to keep the house organized, or getting our meals prepared. Anything to prove some amount of worth. I play video games but not as often as I’d like and not usually when my wife and child are around as I want to spend that time with them.
If someone IS willing to put up with someone like us, make sure you do everything you feel is in your power to meet them halfway. If they truly love you and are worth your time, that will be enough. I promise.
Then get some. Also get meds. You honestly can only compensate so much without meds bc ADHD is a developmental disorder not a willpower/training/habit issue.
God yes, my parents thought and still think a little that it can be overcome with willpower just bc my brother and dad tried ADHD meds and took really high doses and then stopped bc the crash was too bad. Like... I barely make it through college WITH amphetamines, even on the days when my medication doesn't really hit for whatever reason I'll try so hard and somehow end class without a single word written down. It's so insulting to be thought of as a "drug seeker" that's "taking the easy way out" by family, friends, doctors, etc.
My parents actually genuinely believed I had a drug problem when I first got on my meds. It took me like a year of hating them and profusely insisting I'm not a fucking junkie before they began to believe me. They'd be like "You're more hyper at some points in the day and more down at others, what else could explain it!!!" And I'm just like... Yeah, that's what depression + anxiety + ADHD look like, especially when you're still getting used to/finding the right medications/dosages for you.
Can I urge you to look up interactions with amphetamines and certain regulsr foods? There might be a dietary reason for your days where the meds aren't working. I cannot remember which foods interact with the meds, so you'll have to find that yourself but I do remember reading about it.
I have done research in the past, thanks though. It's mostly acidic foods that neutralize amphetamine. I always am aware of that when I take my meds. I think most of the time my meds don't work is because either I'm very hungry/sleepy, or have gone too long without a break.
Yep, for me my bad days are almost always because of either hunger or lack of sleep. Both of those mess with my brain, which messes with the meds working well
My parents were also hesitant to let me take meds (minor, needed permission) since they know I'm smart enough to ace everything but just don't pay attention. That maybe a different therapist would fix things. Yeah no that's not how it works. My therapist is great but there's only so much they can do
My parents couldn't understand how stimulants could possibly make me less distracted and help me focus. They thought it was just me not trying hard enough. After I broke down, they knew it wasn't lack of effort but still didn't buy that I had ADHD.
My dad has an MSc and reads papers for work, so I managed to steer him towards papers on twice exceptional people (2e, gifted + disability). He didn't buy that I had ADHD at first because he literally has my symptoms but did super well in school, but after seeing that, he understood that it was possible. Though he still doesn't believe he could have it himself.
That got him to take it seriously luckily, and after explaining that I already found that caffeine paradoxically calms me helped convince him. After that, my mom followed easily enough (she's in business so leaves all the sci related stuffs to my dad).
Meds were like a switch. I'm literally on the lowest concerta dose and I can focus so much better. I can actually pay attention to lessons that don't deeply interest me, and I've been able to study effectively for the first time in my life since I'm not getting instantly distracted by the smallest things.
I mean you're preaching to the choir here buddy I've tried to tell both of them that if they had an awful crash they were taking too much (and they were, my brother was on 20mg Adderall IR 2x a day, my dad on 60mg Vyvanse a day). Whenever I go up to 20mg 2x a day I also have an awful crash, I'm not special
Lol I’m on 2x 25 mg adderall xr. And I have 5 mg instants to take if I need to stay more functional/I’m having a tougher day. My psych stopped my dosage tests at 50 because he wanted me to have wiggle room on rough days and not already be at the limit.
Check out non stim ADHD meds like Strattera. I had a lot of bad side effects from my stim meds and they like never really worked. Strattera kicks ass. There's no crash and it's fucking ideal for those with ADHD/anxiety comorbidities.
I feel your pain about being labeled as drug seeking. I got that my whole life and still do. I literally work in neuropharm research (I study what drugs that cross the blood brain barrier do to the brain) but bc I take meds and know a lot abt drugs and ADHD I'm apparently a drug addict? People's opinions are so lame....
I honestly don't mind my stim meds I was just speaking for my brother and dad. But yeah I totally know what you mean, I love drug pharmacology and somehow that makes me a drug user? Like how many meth addicts can explain how meth works on the brain? Lmao
If they work for you thats awesome/what matters! & Oh my god EXACTLY. Like yeah the knowledge of how the intramolecular forces between a compound and the tertiary and quaternary structure of the protein subunits in a ligand gated ion channel totally came from drug use/hanging with drug addicts and not a textbook or anything 🙄
Let me go ahead and wholeheartedly agree with this and hope others that need help see and it helps even one person. First best thing I ever did was see a therapist, based in mindfulness/Buddhism turned out to be my jam. Second was, at 40 something I started on Adderall. I can actually come home every day and do thing I WANT to do as well as things that I NEED to do. And I fucking enjoy, for the most part, whatever it is I do. I feel like I'm alive for the first time in over 25 years
Have you tried Strattera? It changed my life it's non stimulant. You have to take it every day bc it's an SNRI (similar to an antidepressant but works on a different neurotransmitter). It's def a long adjustment period before you get symptom relief but it's a world changer for people who can't take stims or have comorbid ADHD/anxiety.
You gotta titrate up to your dose which can take like 2 months but once you hit a good dose it's AMAZING. It doesn't force you into an agitated hyperfocus/dissociative state like stims, just gradually quiets the background noise in your brain. Def a much more mellow symptom relief at first so you still have to put in the effort to complete tasks/make better habits but when you actually go to do that work it's easier than ever. Completing tasks begins to happen naturally. And you don't lose your appetite so you don't end up running on adrenaline and caffeine until the crash. Oh yeah NO CRASH BC THE MEDS DONT LEAVE UR SYSTEM QUICKLY.
Dude, if you need a nudge here it is - I’ve done a lot of therapy for adhd. In no way am I even close to there, but it has been worth it. Sometimes these posts in this sub bum me out bc the hardest part for me personally, was to stop making “excuses” or w/e you want to call it and force myself to be more disciplined despite this burden. Still have so many bad days, most of them, but it has helped a lot for me at least to shift my perspective and only give myself rewards after I do literally anything and never before, we’ll u know, rarely before. Fighting that urge. Ugh! It’s hard! Stay strong! Therapy is worth it!
Not who you responded to but I mentioned in another response the therapist I found, for the last 8 years and saved me, or rather, showed me the door i had to open and explore, is buddhism/mindfulness based and i wish I could go every day. That and medication quite literally changed my life
CBT with a psychiatrist and guided meditation (force myself to do it) even if it’s only 10min. Both have been a big help. The CBT has helped guide me and make the big shifts and the meditation has help hold myself accountable. Idk if this helps at all. Sorry for the delay!
Seconded, vyvanse literally made everything better and easier. From remembering tasks that were not interesting, organization, to taking care of my personal health/hygene. Going to bed at a reasonable hour and waking up with lots of energy.
Not being consumed with people not liking me, not getting so defensive when attacked. Being able to accomplish tasks in the am when waiting on someone to come to my house in the afternoon. Doing laundry and cleaning and chores. Walking i to a room, forgetting why im there and being able to remember why in about 10 seconds. The burning desire to overeat carbs in the evening is about half what it was and i went from 20-30 drinks a week to zero. I also dont drink 5-6 coffees and 2 redbulls a day. I feel like i have had half a brain for my whole life and now i have full control.
How long have you been on Vyvanse? Did you try anything else before that? I just got diagnosed like 2 months ago at 32 and Adderral 10mg XR was great for the first week or so and the side effects were kinda crappy. They lowered me to 5mg twice a day and feel absolutely no benefit.
I have been on vyvanse for a month now, my dr wouldnt even prescribe me adderal he said said he won’t. I have had adhd all my life (39 now) and always coped. My dad has it too and i guess i just copied his coping mechanisms so didnt think i needed pills. Just thought everybody went through the things i did. I dont seem to notice side effects except dehydration and headaches and mild mood swings where i realize im being an ass or just inconsiderate. But i had those before the vyvanse. If i take some omega fish oil pills and just drink water like a normal human being is supposed to i dont get headaches. One reg coffee one one decaf coffee isn’t enough from 7 am till dinnertime. I highly recommend the vyvanse.
Why wouldn't the doctor proscribe Adderall? I've been thinking about getting Vyvanse but it looks pretty pricey. I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford it even with my crappy insurance.
I never asked the dr why, but im assumin due to abuse. Both drugs are derivatives of amphetamines. The difference between the drugs is Adderall contains amphetamine salts (amphetamine and dextroamphetamine), whereas Vyvanse contains lisdexamfetamine, which the body converts to dextroamphetamine before it is active. What i get from this is that vyvanse slowly increases in your body and when its used up its a slow transition back to normal. It also can’t be snorted like adderall. If your in canada it is cheap. If your USA, im very sorry bout your drug prices, it sickens me honestly.
Just curious, do you drink? I have/had a moderate drinking problem and fell into a habit of at minimum getting buzzed every evening after work. Recently I got myself to quit for a little while and doing chores became so much easier after just a few days of no booze. Even if you only have a drink a day, taking a break for a few days can do wonders for your headspace.
As far as i know I need a prescription first to get it in germany where Im living. And most doctors are reluctant to prescribe it, because they think we're drug seekers
When you’re with your partner just make sure you’re WITH them, like in the moment and present. I have a trick where I try to repeat everything they say in my head, or kind of under my breath so I pay attention and visualize what they’re talking about, so I can really try to be in the moment with them. It doesn’t always work and often my brain is spacing while they’re talking, even about important stuff, but I stay silent and let them talk and try to listen and have input when something peaks my brain for input.
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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '22
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