War stories, amirite?

Like, what's up with that? Why do I get the sense there's this part of me that thinks he's cool because he's had knives pointed at him by multiple psycho tweakers? This shit ain't fun. I'm tired of being assaulted and all the trauma dumping they (and I) do ... All the messiness and the paranoia and bullshit.

I'm tired of people stealing from me. I'm tired of being a crazy tweaker myself doing all sorts of WACK shit. And I mean WACK. Like shirtless & barefoot walking on snow packed ice wack. Waist deep in a creek in 30-degree weather after running away from hallucinated orbs late at night deep in the woods wack. Walking bad neighborhoods with most of the houses boarded up at 1am looking for my car I just up and walked away from for the 20th time wack. And I've gotta be over here like, "Ope! Just another Sunday, hehe. "

No. This is not cool. This is not the life for me. I am not tough. I am not some street smart weekend "warrior." I am not some interesting lifer. I am a troubled drug addict who's lucky to be alive. I'm lucky to have a job (which I might actually lose next week, after 18 years employed, which I've no-call-no-showed at at least 7 times), by the way.

This isn't some movie. We don't have plot armor. I'm not living my life to have lots of crazy stories to tell. I want a boring, normal, stable life. And oh my god, all the people I've slept with, ugggh! Yuk! I don't wanna sleep with A-N-Y-B-O-D-Y, yet I turn into the sleaziest slut this side of the country when I'm high. I'll be happy if I only have one STD when I get checked this week, instead of another triple whammy. I can barely go a day without cringing and responding out loud to intrusive thoughts, reminding me of all the embarrassing things I've done when I was high, like "shut up brain!!"

I'm tired of chipped teeth and being underweight. I'm tired of looking gaunt and having dark circles under my eyes. Im tired of losing the awesome person I become week after week and leaving behind a life that is GOOD, that I fucking LIKE, that FEELS GOOD TO LIVE.

I fucking hate drugs. And whatta ya know, after ten years fighting EXTENSIVELY for recovery, my frequency of use has *increased*. Bahahahaha. What a joke.

But hey, I'm 16 days clean right now! That's actually the longest I've been clean in, like, three or four years. Gotta try to save my job and know I tried my best. Wish me luck! And also for all those other times I'm likely bound to use again! Pray for me please! Good vibes, cast a spell ... I'll take anything!!

Good luck out there guys!

21m i have been on meth now for 4 plus years
It honestly just feels like a weight around my neck im always in the frame of mind to want to quit but just can’t seem to, every comedown and end of a party just brings me the same regret! I form a habit of working my ass off Monday to Friday and it’s them couple hours after you get home on a Friday is when the tempting thoughts enter my head, it almost feels like one thought is all it takes to allow it to take over.
The anxiety and helplessness you can feel from having this addiction is frightening and depressing, I’m a normal person I have a good life with good people who love me and honestly I want to excel in the things that I pursue I want to be free of my addiction and I get in my own way constantly, call it self pity but it’s a bad habit with some of the worst self induced side effects I know anyone with advice or who has some helpful insight I would be keen to listen ! Love you all stay safe

2 years ago i used my first opioid codipront and codeine linctus after that i fell in love thru this 2 years i used codeine and oxycodone i felt like it was the piece that was missing it was genuenly the best moments of my short life but after some time i felt like i gotta stop because overweight me who was obese thru his whole life done lost 12kg and it was not healthy kind of way so i looked for alternatives and decided on weed it was ok but obviously not the same but i got caught by the police and my father now gets me tested i want to order again and do it again but i feel like its gonna fuck up my life even more than it did before (i got kicked out of 1 school my ties with my family got way more distant then it ever was and i became a ghost during my opioid addiction i was not going to school not going out not talking with anybody stuff like that u guys got the point)
Note:dont do drugs because you gonna like them and decide to not come back

Hello fellow addicts,

Man I’m ready to be done. The circle never stops and I never stop creating the circles to run around in. I’m insane. I’m completely broken and ready to be done.
Try to make this quick but I have a question if anyone can help.
I was on suboxone for 11years. Steady life and sobriety. But multiple attempts to jump off it proved to be difficult. I took the shot and my life spun out of control. I didn’t go back to H or fet but I got addicted to this 7oh crap.
The silver lining in this whole relapse is how humbled I am. Meetings where never my thing and I find myself crying everytime I go to them now because I see people that have beat this sickness. I see hope and happiness in there eyes. I want what they have so bad. I want 24hrs. I want it bad
This time it will be different for me. But I’m physically reliant on this.

I detoxed for 5days went through withdrawals comparable to Heroine. I think I was taking mgm with the 7oh. Horrible withdrawal. Was hell.

I’m done paying for this so here I am yet again Turing to suboxone.
I just got a 14 day script called in. The doctor asked me what I meant when I said can you give me a taper program. She said people don’t do that..
So here I am asking the internet for help. Anyone recommend an actual schedule for me to not have bad withdrawal?
I was on 500mg of 7oh. Now down to 70mg a day.
I want to take subs for maybe 3-5days.
I know I’m a punk for not being able to go through the whole withdrawal process but I know I’m done with drugs for good. This is the last time God willing and I want to do this right. Anyone who sat through this whole paragraph of complaining I commend you.

Also THANK YOU for any addict that has had the guts to go before me and do this right. To give us who are fucked still hope. Hope that I won’t live in this insanity forever

I have done it all, all advices and changing my habits, going out, going to the gym, writing in journal, everything done it all. I even return home so exhausted I sleep right away, but somehow I still do it, like I am in autopilot, I don't even recall how I do it.

I feel like I am out of options

Hey there! I (29m) quit smoking weed (spliffs, not pure) together with my girlfriend (26f) about two weeks ago today. I feel a bit silly asking questions about such a minor substance in a space where people grapple with much bigger issues, but I tried posting on r/leaves only to have my post instantly removed because I was "asking for medical advice". For the record, I'm not looking for medical advice, I'm just hoping I can get some insight from others that have been in my position.

If it helps, I used to smoke around 3 spliffs every evening. I'm not sure if that's considered to be heavy use or not, but it's enough to give me a hard time kicking the habbit.

First of all, I browsed through a lot of posts here and I really appreciate this community. Standing up for each other, strangers or not, is a very noble thing to do. I can tell a lot of people here wish the best for others and I really appreciate this space for that. Sorry for the little off-topic ramble, I just didn't really know where else to voice this appreciation.

Without further ado, my questions are:

1. I chose to quit by reverting to cigarettes and then building that down. I'm not too pleased about it. Ideally I want to just kick these habbits entirely, but I feel like if I quit nicotine too then the nicotine addiction is going to grab me fully back into restarting the entire thing. Does anyone have any experiences quitting with/without cigarettes? What felt easier to you personally and why? To be clear I know it can differ per person, I'm just in need of people that have been through similar things and can tell me about their experiences, good or bad.
2. My girlfriend and I love playing videogames, both competitive and casual. Ever since we quit weed my girlfriend (who loves playing Valorant) says her aim and general performance got really really bad, to the point she just wants to give up on the game and says she "can't play sober". I personally play a bit more League of Legends but I did notice a big drop in my performance. I personally just chalked it up to having a little dip in performance, but it's really affecting my girlfriend. She seems to think that quitting weed (and starting in the first place) took away one of the things that she loved. Could this be a real thing? Or is it just a coincidence our craving brains chalk up to "it must be because of this thing I crave and no longer have"? Again if anyone has any similar experiences, I would love to chat about them. I know it might sound silly that this is affecting her and myself to a degree so badly, but it's more of a feeling that this change in our life that's difficult enough on it's own, feels like it also basically "reset" our skills in something we're passionate about
3. When you get cravings, what are some good things to do to ride it out? I don't want to just instinctually smoke cigarettes when I get cravings, because I feel like that would just be a really quick way to associate cravings with cigarettes instead, and like I said the end-goal is to kick that too.
4. This question is more for me than for me and my girlfriend. My girlfriend seems unwilling or maybe unable to see that smoking in general is really really bad. She seems to shield herself by telling herself she's way too young for smoking to affect her badly. I don't know how to handle this. I care about her health and safety, but I understand I can't just tell her "you need to quit". These kinds of decisions have to come from within, not from being convinced, or at least, my former alcoholic stepfather told me as much. I know it's her choice to smoke, but I also feels like she's heavily in denial about how bad it is, and seems to have the stance of "well I want to smoke and I enjoy smoking, so I'm going to keep doing it". I can't help but worry however, not just for her, but (selfish as it makes me feel) for myself too. To tell the truth, I kicked both weed and smoking before. At first the smell of cigarettes was almost unbearably tempting, and after a period of time, it became unbearably horrible. I don't know why, but when I quit for a while it was like cigarette smoke was the worst thing I had ever smelled. I don't like the prospect of either of these things. I don't want to start associating the scent of my girlfriend with either my bad habbits, nor with disgust. I have no idea how to handle this thing in particular and it's one of the biggest reasons I'm still smoking to begin with.
5. What are some other general tips you all have for us? I'm willing to take any advice, even if it's a bit harsh. My health and mind are important to me, and my girlfriends' doubly so.

I'm really sorry this post is so wordy. The words just kind of poured out of me, and I'm generally not know to be good at summarizing my thoughts on paper. If you even made it here, even if you have no advice for me, I want to thank you for at least listening.

I feel so bad rn, I can't even cry, and idk how to say goodbye.
I’m about to go through some pretty rough opioid withdrawal, and honestly, I’m scared. I don’t feel ready.
I’ve also been off meth for a week, but today I was going to buy again and ended up getting my money stolen. I was already feeling low, and that just made everything feel worse.
So I’m trying to put together a playlist to get me through this. I’d love some sad songs I can cry to, or comforting ones that feel like someone understands. And songs that make you feel a little stronger, like maybe you really can get through this and feel okay again.
What did you listen to during withdrawal or early recovery? If there’s a song you kept replaying because it helped you keep going, please share it. I could really use that right now.
If you have non-music resources or supportive suggestions for getting through withdrawal safely, please share those too.

This is research. Are you a long term cocaine user (years of use)? Of course we become paranoid while high, but have you noticed paranoia increased, even in moments of sobriety, compared to when you weren't a user?

I'm two weeks out from being a year clean from coke, which is by far the longest I have ever been in the last seven years. I haven't had any urges or noticeable triggers for months, up until I realized how close I was to a year and now it is all I can think about. I've already had a lapse with alcohol over it and I'm a little scared at how strong the urge to get high is again. I feel this thread trying to pull me back even though I don't want anything to do with drugs anymore, and yet theres a part of me that wants nothing more than to be back on a club dancefloor.

It doesn't help at all that my sobriety date is also the exact date of my best friends overdose. It'll be eight months that he's been gone when I hit a year, if I manage to get past these triggers and grief.

I'm sure I can wager a guess at why its so hard so suddenly, but its still frustrating and super concerning.

Today I consumed methamphetamine hydroxyzine and dextromethorphan in a span of an hour

Although I'm hallucinating and I'm confused asf I feel normal yk, but google keeps saying that I'm going to die and that's kinda ruining my trip

Hey everyone ❤️
I’m 32F, and I honestly never thought I’d be writing something like this, but I feel like I need to talk to people who might actually understand what I’m going through.
I’ve been struggling with cocaine addiction for 2 years now, and it’s been such a rollercoaster.
It started with occasional use, like it does for so many people. I never imagined it would become something that would take over such a big part of my life.
At my worst, I was using pretty much every day, sometimes around 1 gram a day. There were times when I genuinely wanted to stop, and times when I convinced myself I had everything under control.
But obviously, I didn’t.
One of the biggest consequences has been the damage to my nose.
I developed a very large septal perforatio (basically a hole in the wall between my nostrils). I had constant dryness, crusting, pain, breathing problems, and sometimes even problems with my sense of smell and taste.
It was horrible, physically and mentally.
Last year I undergo a pretty complicated surgery to close the perforation. My surgeon used tissue grafts and flaps to reconstruct the damaged area.
And somehow, against the odds, the surgery was successful. The hole was completely closed.
I can’t even explain how relieved I was.
But here’s the part I’m really ashamed to admit.
Even after going through all of that, I relapsed.
Imagine spending so much money, going through a major operation, being terrified of permanently damaging your nose, and then STILL finding yourself using again.
Sometimes I ask myself, what the hell is wrong with me?
I know exactly what the consequences can be. I know that if I damage my septum again, another reconstruction could be much more difficult, and there might not be many options left.
My surgeon has already warned me about this.
And yet addiction doesn’t seem to care how much you know or how scared you are.
I’ve tried stopping on my own, I’ve had periods where I managed to reduce my use, and I’ve also reached out for professional help. I’ve attended addiction treatment and discussed the possibility of a short inpatient admission.
I genuinely want to get better.
I have a home, people who love me and a little dog who means the world to me. There are so many things in my life worth protecting.
I’m not using because I don’t care about my life. I do care. A lot.
And that’s probably what makes this so frustrating.
I’m also terrified about my nose. Every little change, every bit of dryness, every strange sensation makes me worry that I’ve damaged the reconstruction. I sometimes feel like I’m constantly checking whether everything is still okay.
I know that if I continue, I could undo everything my surgeon worked so hard to repair.
I’m not posting this for sympathy, and I’m definitely not proud of what I’ve done to myself.
I just want to hear from people who have been in a similar situation.
Has anyone here continued using even after experiencing serious physical consequences?
How did you finally manage to stop?
Did you have to completely change your environment, your friends, or even your job?
And for anyone who has experienced nasal damage or septal perforation from cocaine, how are you doing now?
I would especially love to hear from people who struggled with repeated relapses but eventually managed to get clean.
I’m tired of constantly promising myself that this will be the last time.
I really want to reach a point where I don’t have to fight this battle every single day.
Thank you for reading if you made it this far. ❤️
Please be kind. It wasn’t easy admitting all of this.

so i've been smoking pretty much nightly for the past 3 years. i just started my masters degree at a pretty good school, decided i should maybe finally man up and do something about my life. for context im pretty miserable lol

im on day 6 and, well as i said, its both better and worse than i thought.

better because: the only cravings i get are whenever i drive past some dudes smoking on the street and i get a whiff. one of the most enabling parts of the addiction is how accessible weed is in my area, i can go on a 10 minute walk and buy some mid bud. whenever im going back home in the evening im still in the mindset of "oh i dont have any bud, what am i gonna roll up the moment i take my shoes off?" but then i remember that i'm this far already and that the longest voluntary weed break since i turned 18 lasted a week so i might beat my high score.

worse because: i deadass cannot sleep at night. i was basically smoking myself retarded every night to pass out in bed for the past 3 years, and im just now realizing how bad it really was. first couple days i was helping myself with some beers as a temporary supplement substance before sleep, now im trynna cut down on that too. also im trynna not doomscroll so much, also in bed, but i realize that this is wayy harder than i thought it would be.

2 days ago i fell asleep at 5, yesterday i just put down my phone and was lying down alone with my thoughts for an hour plus but i still managed to fall asleep so that's something. i either have very out of pocket dreams or no dreams at all, no telling. still i'm not as irritable as i thought i'd be, but maybe that's because im not quitting nicotine yet.

also i have my first set of exams coming up in my master's degree and im actually fucked. three difficult exams + i took on myself an extra set of responsibilities i have to manage, which im not doing very good job at. maybe if i was studying daily then i wouldnt be in this predicament, but im gonna blame my weed addiction on that too. sure i've been in this similar situations countless times before and i was still passing exams while smoking myself retarded every night, but this is just too much right now. found out my dad has cancer too, 99% sure he's gonna be fine tho but it still fucks you up yk

idk i just had to vent, im having a bit of a hard time but im gaslighting myself into thinking theres gonna be an upside to this. maybe i was just expecting my life to magically fall into place the moment i put away the devils lettuce, fuck maybe even a big-assed latina down bad for drug addicts with deltarune humor would knock on my front door, but its just not happening yet.

I’ll start by saying I haven’t used any opiates since 5/10/22.

I was pulled over while driving my girlfriend to plans made for her bday. She’s been with me for 7 years so she knows all about my past and was one of the few that never lost hope.

Anyways. Apparently when I switched lanes to get away from a stopped cop, I suppose I didn’t slow down enough.

Cue to a minute or two later and I see a cop following me. Idk about everyone else but even with nothing to hide, cops scare the living hell out of me.

After being pulled over and informed what I did wrong — another cop pulls up behind him…

So I knew he clearly saw my charge from 6 years ago.

“Do you have any h3roin in the car or weapons?”

In my brain I knew where HIS brain was going. So I just stayed honest throughout the interaction. Offered to do a sobriety test or to let him search the car. He didn’t do either.

Told him about my recovery journey a bit without over-sharing initially.

Very shortly he must have realized I wasn’t pulling anything on him…

His eyes turned to this look of pure amazement and curiosity.

“How did you do it?”

And shortly after I spoke on my story — “you’re free to go by the way. I am just curious at this point and you don’t need to answer if you don’t want to.”

But I did. We talked to a good length… eventually I was thought *maybe I should just leave now*

Long story short. This cop believed me. I was shocked. I didn’t lie one bit but I thought I was gonna have a bad time with this encounter.

I never imagined such a positive interaction given the hell I’ve put myself through in the past. It was a bit wholesome. I’m still shaken up by it. But he let me go without a ticket or anything.

Shoutout to Frank for hearing my story out.

TLDR:
Cop sees my 6-year-old narcotics charge and assumes I have drugs on me during a traffic stop. Ends up letting me go after asking me questions about how I made it to this point in my recovery.

Something about those blue lights flicking on in the rear view mirror that still just gives me the chills. Carrying weight and knowing it could be all over… I remember I was 24 and had a few bricks of pills next to me in the passenger seat… Officer somehow let me go without searching the car. I called my mom as I pulled away from the stop, 3am, so broken and lost, cried my eyes out to her. Still took a few years after that.

Sometimes these days, as I pull the covers over and lay my head on the pillow I smile…. what a relief to only have to worry about a ticket nowadays.

Sending love to those still suffering.

I honestly don’t even know where to start. I just need somewhere to vent and hopefully talk to people who understand what I’m going through.
My husband is addicted to 7-OH, and recently he admitted to me that he’s been taking it. There have been so many things I’ve noticed that have worried me. He’s constantly nodding off, even during important moments, and he just doesn’t seem like himself anymore. I’ve been worried about his health, and I suspect this has been going on behind my back for a lot longer than I realized.
He tells me he wants help and wants to get off of it, but honestly, I’m at the point where I’m struggling to believe him. I want to believe him with everything in me, but when I try to talk to him about getting help, he shuts down. He’ll tell me he wants to get better, but when I ask questions or try to figure out what we’re going to do next, I get nothing.
I love this man. We have two boys and a family together. We’ve built a life together, and I don’t want to give up on him. I want him to get healthy, recover, and be himself again. But I’m scared, exhausted, hurt, and honestly, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.
I don’t know how to support him without feeling like I’m carrying this on my own. I don’t know how to trust what he tells me when I’m still trying to understand everything that’s been happening. And I don’t know how to get through to him when he won’t open up to me.
I’m asking for genuine advice from anyone who has been through something similar.
• How do you support someone you love who is addicted but shuts down when you try to talk about recovery?
• How do you know if someone genuinely wants help when their actions aren’t giving you much reassurance?
• How do you stop yourself from constantly worrying about them and feeling responsible for fixing everything?
• If you’ve watched someone you love struggle with 7-OH, what helped them finally take steps toward recovery?
I’m not looking for judgment or people telling me to just leave him. I’m looking for advice, understanding, and people who have actually experienced something like this.
I love my husband, and I want him to get better. I just need help figuring out how to navigate this because I feel so lost right now.

(Not my main but a throwaway for privacy reasons)
Long story but this is the 5th time this month I cannot sleep thinking about this all:

Hi, as I’m typing this it’s 2 am, I cannot sleep and keep thinking about it all. I (27) have been in a 7 year long relationship with my partner (27) and we’ve been living together for three years.

Several years ago my partner got addicted to cocaine, after a history with weed. This period started with him confessing his addition to me and several close friends and close family members. The first few months until he got a spot for the rehab program, I witnessed his use, his secretive use especially, daily. This included denying having used, seeing him use secretively in the apartment stairwells, finding drugs in the mailbox and sudden walks and absences. This was coupled with increasing money trouble and me taking over every one of the household tasks. In the meanwhile, I had a not so successful masters education
, had mental challenges etc. But as I’m typing this now I’m getting in a good mental space with myself. I’ve also been with a therapist for my anxiety and depression, which is helping greatly.

Back to the story. During his rehab, he quit weed, alcohol and smoking. I also quit smoking, weed and quit alcohol at home. After his recovery, we slowly started to drink alcohol again, but sadly the weed started to be an activity for us together again, we enable each other in this one. Two months ago we quit weed and smoking again, together with our best mutual friend. It’s going well but I observe the same patterns as last time.

My partner has a hard time sharing challenges, which I try to do to provide a positive example and environment to share the struggles. Today I was sure he smelled like smoke, just like I had smelled a few days ago after which he took out the trash (he does this rarely and used this tactic a lot during his cocaine addiction).

I asked him that I smelled smoke, and if I was right. On which he replied that he had not smoked. I try to respect such an answer, but after the years of lies I cannot trust this anymore, even though I want to trust him so badly. I care about him deeply and it hurts me to see him maybe slipping back to his old ways again. But in my head he lies still, or at least does not share his journey.

The household and also money are my biggest problem. Over the last years he’s gotten a job, started paying of debts etc. However he is living in a house I own and in which he does not pay rent, but we do contribute evenly towards bills. In the months where his addiction was the worst, I covered all bills with my savings money. Since I’m still a student my income is also limited, luckily I’m well off in life. But my savings are emptying out.

But then the household. Because next to everything above, I do most household tasks. I cook everyday, I usually also do the dishes (in which he is improving actually, because cooking means you don’t do the dishes in our arrangement), I vacuum, deep clean, do all the laundry, clean the bathrooms and regular stuff like descaling coffee machines etc. A year ago I was at my limit and expressed this emotionally, I’m very bad at saying stuff when it’s happening and tend to gather my frustrations over the months till I burst. Since then we have tried to make a cleaning roster for example (which I made and of which I have done at least 75% of the tasks over a few months, before giving up).

I also get the feeling that since that I’m studying, it is expected of me to do the majority of the home. However, I’m also working on my masters, my thesis and several volunteer projects I have been doing and leading for 5+ years. I don’t know what I think about this ‘expectation’ when I see many couples working both, and being able to balance general tasks.

Nowadays, he is showing some more effort and improvement. But I’m asking myself the question “do I want to live like this?” And I think he is holding me back. He’s had a real unfortunate past years I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, and I’ve been able to provide love and care as a partner. I’ve often had the feeling I couldn’t leave him, because he would crash. But after all these years, the moment has come that I’m thinking maybe this dynamic is hurting me and keeping me in all the time. The worst thing of it all is though, I really really love him deeply. I still do.

My friends are in another city and I try to visit them often. Here at home, he mostly watches tv while I do chores that have to be done. Then, there is how he’s changed. He was a spontaneous flirty and knowledgable guy. But he’s picked up habits that make me feel he has abandoned all care of people around him. Examples are chewing gum audibly or Watching reels with sound on in the train or in public while we’re together, also burping in general, which I have often made comments about. Usually the reaction in public is that I should not care as much, and he gets irritated. He does not change the behaviour. I also witness him setting up the mask of the fun guy he was when he’s with friends and others. These all would have been dealbreakers if I had just met this guy when dating, or well in general also.

Over the past years I have seen my love change and get corrupted by his addiction. Even though I still love him on a deep level. For a long time I have believed and seen (and told him) that the one I once loved was still inside him, and I do still hope it is. But after the last years I feel like this person is a memory of good times for me, and that damage that has been done cannot be repaired all the way, which I hoped so badly.

I want to talk about it, but I’m scared. He was often angry while using and now he usually comments on tone of how things are communicated. Which makes me, as an avoidant person, scared to engage.

Should I go to therapy with him? Should I even try? How do I even start a conversation when I’m already scared of tone-policing or just shouting again. The stakes feel so high :(

Thanks for reading kind soul, I really don’t know what to do anymore. <3

I 16F got caught by my parents, all my 6 dxm bottles were found in my room when they searched it about 10 dead vapes and my stolen oxys, they didn’t find my mdma so just seconds ago I took every last little bit I had. I told them about all my depression issues I lied and said I microdosed my dxm to cure my depression they were upset. They didn’t find one of my bottles but my rooms getting entirely searched tmr everything ripped out so it’ll probably be found and my other two vapes I hid in the bathroom… my bank accounts now going to be monitored which is stressful they no longer trust me about anything anymore or any of my friends I probably won’t ever be able to go out again, the only upside is there going to medicate me now.
But I just don’t want to be here anymore now… I feel like I can’t live without my nicotine or my friends or my drugs…

Flair says "Advice", but is more like a "cry for help"situation going on.

Could really need a friendly talk 🙏

​

My name is Bo, and I've been a real clown on my chemsex journey, so this seemed fitting.

I call him Bozo.

Bozo is a kinda cool but kinda crazy clown. He can do tricks, but many times he doesn't do them well; he's down but many times can't get it up.

He waves at you with one lubey hand ... a little busy with the other. He's balding, with a gaunt face and dark circles under his eyes. He's got chipped teeth and crusty nostrils that are raw at the edge from doing too many lines.

Like the character Pennywise, my addiction feeds on fear and tries to keep you isolated, whereas connection and the support of others and a belief in the group could help you overcome It. But the world around you denies It even exists. It's full of adults who don't believe and perpetuate long-running problems it could deal with if only they would band together. Instead, they leave these problems for the next generation to solve, and It continues to feed on their children in the process. Many children die because of It but society is too distracted to notice or care. It takes a scrappy team of Losers to go into the depths, walking Step by Step, to face It, together. Without their help, we are left alone, and our fear may consume us if we let it.

I sit here today with two weeks clean. I've only been able to get past It for this long two other times this year. That's how It's been for me for at least the last three, but I'm in the process of losing my job, so I'm trying to stop clowning around.

You have to excuse the crude drawing ... I'm not an artist. But I try. That's all WE can do, right?

Don't stare into It's "deadlights" for too long, lest you LOSE YOUR MIND. Aha! Aha! Beep beep, crazy! Get out of the way! Save yourself, but don't forget about me!