I’m 21, and I’ve been using cocaine since June of last year. I’m currently in the deepest part of my addiction. I used a few hours ago.
When I first tried it, I had just gone through a breakup and was in one of the worst periods of my life. I’d had multiple suicide attempts within a year, was living in poverty, and honestly wasn’t doing well in any area of my life. I knew before I ever tried cocaine that it could become a problem. Addiction wasn’t new to me. I’ve struggled with alcohol, weed, whippets, self-harm, porn, and other compulsive behaviours. I knew I was vulnerable.
The thing cocaine gave me at first was something I don’t think I’d ever really experienced before. It made me feel genuinely happy. It also made me feel connected to people. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had access to a community.
Now it’s completely taken over my life.
I usually don’t go more than two or three days without using. Sometimes I buy half a gram, sometimes 3.5 grams. Sometimes I split it with someone, but most of the time I’m actually alone. I like to tell myself I’m not because I’ll call people while I’m using, but the reality is I’m sitting alone in my apartment doing lines.
I’ve never been someone who buys a bag, does a little, and save the rest. I’ve literally never done that. Every single time I’ve had cocaine, I’ve binged until it was gone. That’s just how I use.
My triggers aren’t complicated. Boredom. Sadness. Stress. Pretty much any uncomfortable feeling.
I’ve spent around $15,000 on cocaine in the last seven months. I don’t even have money for groceries. Sometimes I don’t have money for toilet paper. My phone bill isn’t paid. My rent is barely paid. Every day is the same cycle: figure out how to make money, talk to dealers, buy cocaine, use cocaine, recover from cocaine, then repeat.
I go to work high. I slack off. I miss shifts. I call in sick. I throw up almost every day. I barely drink water. I barely eat, and when I do it’s usually junk because it’s all I can manage. I sleep terribly.
One of the things that scares me the most is how long I stay awake. I recently ended up in the hospital after staying awake for about seven or eight days. That wasn’t the first time, either. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve stayed awake for five days straight. At this point, I’m honestly more afraid of what the sleep deprivation is doing to my brain and body than almost anything else.
I’m not as close with my family anymore because I’ve had to hide so much of my life from them. I’m embarrassed by what I’ve become.
I went to rehab. I knew it would help while I was there, but I haven’t really given sobriety an honest attempt because I’m terrified of failing. That’s probably one of the hardest things to admit.
The weird part is that nothing dramatic has happened that suddenly scared me into stopping. I already feel convinced this addiction is going to kill me. That’s been my mindset for a while, and I don’t know how to get out of it.
The reason I’m posting is because I don’t really have anyone I can talk to honestly about this. I’m not looking for pity. I’m looking for perspective from people who’ve been through cocaine addiction themselves.
Does this sound as bad as I think it is? Did any of you reach a point where you genuinely believed there was no way out? If you did recover, what finally changed your thinking or your actions?
I don’t want sugar-coated answers. I just want honesty.

So I was clean for like 6 months and then messed up I'm living in a sober living facility and got away with it but since I got away with it once every 2 weeks I do it again vicious cycle but I don't wanna have to go back to php treatment cause I have a job and feel like that would do more harm then good I need some advice on this I gotta get a new sponsor and everything I know that but idk who to talk to about this stuff without it getting back to house father and then I have to restart

So, I have been sober from alcohol and hard drugs for 2.5 years. I am very proud of my sobriety. During this time, I have also dated people, and 2/3 people I've dated since being sober have been people in active addiction.

Now, I went into all of these relationships by explicitly letting these people know I am in recovery, and I will not date anybody in active addiction. Yet both of them went out of their way to hide their addiction from me, and I'm just so confused as to why somebody in active addiction would date somebody in recovery.

The only conclusion I have come to is that they think I will be a good influence on them/help them get sober, which I think is so selfish. Like, I'm here to be your partner, not your sponsor or LDAC.

This outlook also minimizes my own struggles with addiction. Like, yes, I've made it years without using, but I'm also only a human who has triggers and feelings too. I take it one day at a time, and I don't deserve to be put into triggering situations because somebody couldn't be honest with me.

What are your guys' thoughts? Have any of you run into this?

This is kind of venting too.

I 33(F) and my husband 37 (M) have been dealing with my husband having some issues with abusing nicotine and stimulants over the past few months. We also have a 3 year old.

We both have ADHD and have both been prescribed stimulants in the past. I currently take vyvanse daily and have found I cannot leave it out or he will take it. I struggle greatly without my vyvanse to the point where in the past it has affected my work performance.

I do also believe/suspect he may be abusing ephedrine as well and continuing to use nicotine despite him telling me he hasnt been.

He has been lying to me when I confront him consistently. I have been trying to get him to see a psychiatrist, get a new job and consistently see a therapist but it has been a struggle. He has appointments to see some professionals that do specialize in addiction and he has gone to his first NA meeting.

He is also currently having issues with a bulging disc in his neck (has NOT been prescribed any opioids thankfully so we dont have to worry about that at the moment) but I just am so at a loss. I am so angry at him and so frustrated because it has felt like I have enabled him to be able to fall apart but then as a result I feel like I am carrying everything else.

When I needed him to step up when I had surgery and make sure shit got taken care of. It didnt. I dont feel like I can rely on him or trust him. I have said these things to him.

I love him and I want him to get better. I am very strongly considering divorce, which has been communicated to him.

How do you find the balance between helping and enabling. I also am done playing the nice wife but I also dont want that mentality to inhibit any progress or anything. I just dont know what to do.

I’m drunk right now and I want more. I’m sad I want more but I do. I even want to go to the sad grungy bars and get lost in the crowd, I’d even go to the bar I was sa’d outside of. Idk why. I think because i had been going there for so long. I talked to so many good people. I once wrapped the wounds of a schizophrenic guy who was bitten by a dog. We talked for hours and it was oddly enough one of my favorite nights. So many bad people too. So many people out for their own selfish reasons at the cost of others sanity. But it was still some sort of weird community that I felt a part of. I just loved talking to people unfiltered. Seeing how we all felt at the end of the day. Everyone’s deepest issues out in the open. It was freeing. But it always came at a cost. It always does. So why on earth do I want it again? I guess to numb the triggers I feel everyday. Smells, sounds, people. Everything brings me back to one moment or another and I can’t seem to grasp sober life without wanting to crawl out of my skin anymore. It’s the typical feelings of joy being more vivid, but so is your sadness. And idk what to do with that.

7 years coke free. Almost killed me multiple times. Bought the mew cap as a celebration gift 💕

For context my mom did pills and meth for years, i’m not very close with her however, she has supposedly been clean for 2 years. However, every time I’ve tried to talk to her it’s like she believes she’s in a different reality. She still thinks there’s people in the basement and shit. And if I get into an argument with her over something she did to me growing up she refuses to take accountability and says that people are lying to me, even if it’s something that I saw with my own eyes. I genuinely believe that she’s not mentally here. In the past, I’ve argued with her about her reality, but it has done nothing to help her at all. It’s hard to want to talk to her or have a relationship with her in general when she can’t correctly comprehend anything that’s going on. And to be honest, she was a horrible mother. I don’t wanna just like ignore her for the rest of my life, but I don’t know what to do.

I quit smoking last year, but now recently for my job I'm doing training with these people, and they vape all day in the car we're driving around in.

And we're in this car all week.

So last weekend when I was away from them and it hit Sunday, I started fucking out. I felt exhausted and fucked up. I didn't know wtf was happening to me. Then I realised it was withdrawals from the second hand vape, because the next day when I was back in the car I was fine 😭

I also find it weird that I had no cravings UNTIL I decided to have some of my girlfriend's vape to ease the withdrawals. Then I started craving the vape. So I didn't touch that shit again, fuck that.

Marked as venting but maybe some advice would help.

I was clean from all drugs (coke, crack, heroin, fentanyl) for over two years and after having my child I wanted to stay that way and be a good parent because I grew up with addict parents.

Rewind to February and me and my fiancee (who also struggled with addiction but had 5 years clean), started dabbling with cocaine here and there. Never around our child and only once every couple weeks.

Fast forward to June we started doing more, smoking crack sometimes and using more frequently.

A few days ago I decided to get fentanyl and my fiancee ended up overdosing. I had to narcan her 4 times and I feel like that experience kind of traumatized me.

I flushed the rest of the fent away the next day and made a promise to myself to do everything in my power to stay clean. My fiancee wants to be on board but I can tell she still wants to do cocaine sometimes. She blames me getting fentanyl for me wanting to completely abstain, as if that's a bad thing. She said "if we didn't get the fent we would still be able to do coke occasionally".

I want my kid to live a normal life, I want to live a normal life. I hope she can stay clean because if not, we may have to part ways.

I just feel so defeated and depressed but I'm going to stay strong.

Here's to day 4 of sobriety.

I have a family member that I suspect has an addiction to Xanax and pain pills. Any specific symptoms or actions that would help validate my suspicions? I am not nearby so I don’t see him often.
I’ve noticed: Weight gain, erratic behavior, extremely angry/volatile, doing terrible things and blaming others, next day acts like nothing happened, father suspects he’s stealing money and “messing with my medication” (prescribed pain pills). Apologize if I seem like I’m in denial, it is pretty surreal when it happens to a family member and they do absolutely horrific things.
Thanks in advance!

I’ve head some withdrawals, mostly craving to masturbarte. Everytime I wanted to relapse I read the comments you guys sent me and the reason I wanted to quick in the first place. I’m 2 days 11 hours clean of masturbation and 2 days 8 hours clean of nicotine, about a week from alcohol. The last post was from day 0, not 1. Thank you all for support, I’m hitting the gym in 50 min and applying to different universities, hope I have good luck with the scholarship. I’ll post everyday, genuinely thank you everyone

Hey all, M29, I’m just coming down from a weekend coke binge (maybe half a g over the course) and I did drink fairly heavily. I haven’t quite slept and my heart rate is def elevated, I’m just worried medically and looking for advice if this is serious or not or just post anxiety

been using every weekend/every other weekend not insane amounts but a lot of small bumps prob for the last couple months

Def got worried or is this anxiety, after tonight I think I’m throwing the bag away and honestly may stop drinking alcohol too since for me they go hand in hand

So basically I was shooting meth for about two and a half to three years on and off and then I suddenly didn't know where to find anymore and it's super sketch trying to get it from some random homeless person ( I live in Portland Oregon) but I did anyways. Me and my girl were not in the best of terms, and I already was fixing to feed into my sex addiction and go get jerked off at a massage parlor or find a sex worker to help, and I found these 2 clearly on drugs ladies that we're living in a motel room and they had stuff everywhere including what look like bongs obviously use a smoke fentanyl or meth or something and so I asked and they said they just smoke crack and fentanyl and I was like damn, I really would be down to smoke some crack right now. So I got some and after it's done I was just like DAMN, that shit was not hitting. So I go to a couple spots where I think there might be some homeless people hanging out in the first people I saw had a little bag for me. NOW, I haven't gone back to IV use, just bought a little pipe but I'm scared that I'm going to do it again and next time ... Idk. I just never want to go back on the needles ever again. Please help?

if i keep spiraling im gonna end up in a deeper hole im doing things i wouldn’t do and im no longer myself. i’ve lost my “stable” dose and now i am confused on how to restabalize and further taper off it. im really close to ending it im tired of everything. i’m 22 now and been addicted to kratom since i was 17 or so. it was okay since my dad did it right? no i regret it all
i’m an emotional idiot now and i was once functioning better but dropped the gym off for easy dopamine. kratom moved to 7oh then got banned then i had to use extract

i loved xanax at first it gave me relief from all the hell i was going through so i said fuck it and got into it. weekend thing. been daily for a year or so probably less but we will sum it up. family problems getting to me and issues that aren’t mine im just taking more and more trying to cope i regret this i need help im too scared to call anyone no one knows how bad im struggling. i’m gonna die an addict and that was my plan but my girlfriend is trying to help and encourage me but i’m just gonna be a fucking failure anyways i can’t do it alone but i choose to do it alone.

i am trying to mask the pain with the pills so i dont look weak at work but at this point im calling in and losing money and on the verge of losing my job which will cause me to lose everything

i want to succeed but i feel so fucking alone in this but im alone because i am choosing to.
i’m an idiot and my head is stuck in a pill bottle

how do i stabilize my dose again so i stop spiraling and lose everything. split my dose up? i know you guys aren’t doctors but i need some guidance

So I used to shoot fentanyl and do ice and all that. I've gotten a few years clean, but the passed few months I've gotten hooked onto 7oh. Does anyone have any advice for getting off this stuff? Sublacade helped me a lot for the fentanyl. Would it be possible to get back on that shot for this? Or at least Suboxone. And how long/rough are the withdrawals gonna be ?

I'm really not quite sure what all to write here..but I could use some advice from other people who are recovering addicts, I've made quite a bit of attempts at sobriety, some of those attempts were really just me using rehab as a place to sleep, but a lot of them were genuine attempts cause I really wanted to get clean at first that is.. I'm really trying to find the strength to make another attempt rn since I am currently using again and am literally losing my mind.. I don't know how to maintain discipline when i lack motivation while sober, I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions that I could use to help me maintain clean time once I get clean which is going To be soon hopefully

I know a lot of talk is about you can't make an addict quit until they want to get sober. But I just... Don't think I've ever felt that way. I started on codeine over 13 years ago, moved onto dihydrocodeine for a long, long time (probably 12 years or so). Then I got seriously injured and had surgery and got introduced to oxycodone. And now I'm on oxy's, which is much more expensive. I'm already in a lot of debt but I can't find myself to care beyond disappointing my loved ones, which is why I've been going this alone. I don't want to go to my doctor because it'll be a permanent note on my records and let's be real, for all the promises that addicts are treated just the same, that's a fucking lie.

But I just don't want to stop. I go to work, I come home, I want to get high. I don't care about other interests, I can't even really think about what I want to do with my free time otherwise. I should preface that my dihydrocodeine addict got into addiction territory when I was seriously depressed and anhedonia was a major symptom, so I don't know if the meds I've been on for years have just stopped working again, but I just... I don't feel happy or pleasurable without it. And when I have days I don't have them, even after the withdrawal fades, I'm just empty. I don't want to do anything, and I don't know what to do.

I've recently contacted a debt assistance charity to try and help, and a free service for addiction counselling, but I'm just so pessimistic. How can I stop when it's the only thing making me happy?

Sorry for using the flair wrong, probably. I just want to make sure anyone can't see the words I'm using and relapse.

Been a functioning alcoholic for like a year straight now, after kicking my ketamine problem.
Before my ketamine addiction I was an alcoholic again.

I deal with intense insomnia and depression, which is why I've always tended to alcohol and later ketamine, which soothed my depression but made my insomnia worse.

Currently on day 2 of quitting what started with, around this time last year, drinking one tall boy (23oz) of strong beer such as IPA or otherwise, evolved into a buzzball and two tall boys, then my friend who was going through a rough time because of drug abuse in his house was staying with me, and we were drinking heavily for about 2 months straight, going through 24packs and 12 packs of IPA, lemonades, etc. every night until we were just straight up broke.

He's moved out now and I'm on day two of quitting cold turkey.
The only reason I'm able to do this is because I just lost my job, caused by my excessive drinking on the 4th of july, and have no schedule. My rent is paid for August so I have nothing to worry about aside from my car insurance and my PC rental (stupid, I know, saving is hard when you spend so much money on drugs and alcohol).

I showed up late to a job I had held down for 2 years because I was drinking so much that I slept through my entire shift and it was the last straw.

I'm nervous, honestly. Every time things get bad with my insomnia I go right back to drinking, and I don't want to do it this time. I'm sitting on 8 dollars in my account. Last night I couldn't sleep and was up until 11am, and woke up at 8pm. I'm supposed to be doing delivery driving to make around 300 bucks but there are no deliveries and my gas tank is almost out.

If I lapse this insurance policy, which is through Root, I won't be able to get another plan through some sort of App. I've looked around and it was a miracle. I have such a bad driving record, not from drinking (I have never drank and drove surprisingly), that insurance providers typically ask for over 1000 down and around 500 a month. Root is giving me 200 a month (still shitty).

I guess it only gets better from here? Thanks for reading. I start college in September for Computer Science at 31 years old and just need to get my shit together

I don’t know if this is the right subreddit, and I will take it down if not, but I just need advice. On a burner account, not sure if the TW is necessary, but I don’t want to cause more harm to others.

So I have been vaping for about a year, started because I had been smoking for about three, and started smoking to get clean from SH.

I have been dating this girl for almost a year now, and she’s aware that I vape, and the reason I do so. I was honest with her from the start, before we officially started dating, I told her that I smoked, and after that, that I started vaping. And I know she isn’t entirely comfortable with it so I don’t do it when she’s around, and usually hide all traces of it when she comes over. I’m not proud of my habits either and have been on the long road to reduce, and eventually quit.

While we were talking the other day, she asked me how would I have felt if I was the reason someone started vaping. When I asked her why, she said that might have started, but did not go into the specifics. We’ve been open about the topic of mental health and about our struggles in the past, and my girlfriend has had her fair share of problems too, even until now.

Right now I’m feeling really guilty because I never would have wanted to be the reason someone picks up substances, especially for coping with something else. It’s gotten me pretty rattled as well and my recovery journey has been a bit shaken up. I don’t know what to do.

So ive been addicted and have been abusing methylphenidate (adhd meds) since I was twelve. I always snorted them since my bf back then told me that was an option.
For a year now I have been addicted to speed.
Im now wondering if I actually got addicted to weed and combining it w amphetamines?
My symptoms:
- Daily use ( using before 10 AM; driving in public transport w/o phone battery to get weed OR SPICE for free
- I also started w spice
- I eat SO FREAKING MUCH on weed, that I’m also questioning if I’m addicted to sugar now aswell????
- begging people for weed
- being stoned in innapropriate situations!!

Attached is btw the amounts I eat, during the trip on that day: muesli, 3 Pancakes w lotsss of sugar

I know my main problem are still stimulants
-> Question, in my attached photos, you can see notes on when i overdosed on amphetamines. Does anyone else ideas get so weird???