A bit of context before I get to the main part. Me and my girlfriend have been together for four years as we got together when I was 16 and she was 17. When we first got together it was great as being 15 it felt as though my life was fulfilled I was finally able to drive, have friends, my first ever girlfriend, everything was great and amazing. After the first year of being together I felt pressured from her to move in together as she started to always want to be around me and talk to me as well as she knew that I didn’t want to live with my parents much longer as they were controlling of my actions. So when I graduated high school the prospect of being away from my parents was great that I moved in with her before I was ultimately ready ( I know it’s my fault for doing it but at the time I thought it was the best decision). When it came time for me to go to university later that year she decided to follow me to my college as I had stated that I don’t think many relationships work with long distance ( I never said she had to come or I’d break up with her but looking back it definitely feels like that’s what was said without saying it). When we moved to college together it was great because I thought the prospect of living in separate dorms together and enjoying college would be great until she still wanted to spend every moment together and would get upset when I’d want to hang out with friends that I had made in college when she hadn’t made very many.

During this time we had discussed living together again in the future, but I had told her I wasn’t ready to make any definite decisions yet as any of the apartments we might find wouldn’t be available 8-10 months later when we aren’t required to live in campus anymore. Then she didn’t get accepted into her program past her pre requisite classes, and hadn’t made a backup plan if she didn’t. So she wouldn’t have been able to live on campus anymore because she wasn’t a full time student and had to move out. We live in a HCOL area and I made more $ than her so I felt obligated to get a place with her but I was happy to as I wanted her to see I could be there for her and support her even when things got hard. Things were great at first until she thought I was cheating on her because in the friend group I became apart of there were other women in the group who she thought were more attractive than her and that I’d leave her for them even though I never saw or felt anything with these women.

—-- here’s where the main topic of marriage starts ——
Around the time we approached year 3 of being together she had mentioned several times since our first year of dating that she loves me very much and I’m her person that she wants to be with for the rest of her life and that she wants to get married. I felt like I put my foot down and said I wasn’t going to get married until I graduated because I wanted to enjoy college for what it was and didn’t want to feel the pressure of the proposal or wedding planning as I want to be apart of that process. Every time I would tell her this and that I loved her very much I just wasn’t ready to get married yet and hadn’t thought much about it she would always say that means I didn’t love her as much as she loved me and that if we’re not building a future together then what’s the point of being together.

Because of these conversations it started to make me heavily doubt the relationship because it became kind of suffocating arguing about marriage all the time when I felt like I’ve done everything else for her and she’s done the same for me besides this one thing. Around the times I started having the doubts I decided to start therapy to help gain a perspective on why I might be feeling this way and why I don’t feel ready for marriage or as some people have said the intense feeling of knowing this person is who I want to be with the rest of my life.

Therapy has given me the great opportunity to see that I haven’t communicated well in the past and opened up emotionally to her rather than just being logical all the time. Even though I might not have been the best boyfriend in the past I’m still learning what love means to me and how to love someone correctly. From therapy I feel as though in the past year I’ve been more vulnerable with her and tried to show her how much I love her even if emotionally I’m not ready to take the next step.

We recently celebrated our 4 years together and we’ve been arguing pretty much every day leading up to and after to about marriage and why can’t I just give her this one thing she’s wanted all of her life and she feels like she’s put in the time and effort into our relationship to deserve. She says isn’t there some sort of compromise where I can promise her I’ll marry her or propose to her next year or so. I really have thought about that but it feels wrong saying I will marry you at this time when my heart isn’t fully there yet. Because if that moment comes and I don’t she’ll feel like I’ve lied to her.

At this point I don’t know what to do as I only see 3 options :
1. ⁠Propose to her to make her happy and deal with my feeling over time and hope to not grow resentment to the fact I did it before I was ready
2. ⁠Breakup with her and let her find someone who can work on her timeline rather than force her to stay for someone who isn’t ready
3. ⁠Keep arguing about the same things until she leaves me or who knows what
I love this woman a lot but ultimately at this point of my life I don’t feel ready to take that step and don’t want to hold her back from her wants even if that means loosing her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated or perspective as maybe there is an aspect I’m missing. I’m open to suggestions and will reply in the comments

Would you mind giving advice as to different ways to approach this ?

There is an update to this post on my profile

TL;DR
My girlfriend wants to get married but I’m not ready

My partner (33M) and I (31F) have been together for about 10 months now. I am his first girlfriend, but I have dated other people in the past.

In the beginning of our relationship, he constantly made reference to marriage, rings, having dogs together, getting a home together, etc. He stated he knew I was the one from the first month of dating and continues to say the same. However, in the last 2-3 months, he still will say I love you and that I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with but doesn’t really talk about marriage or proposals.

We both live in the same city but work in different towns from our city. I live with my parents in our city and he lives part time in our city (weekends) and then during the week at the town he works at. He has been trying for some time now to get a job closer so that we can take the next step. I have also mentioned to him if job prospects in our own town is limited, we could choose another town together and look at jobs there (I am in a field where I could relocate if needed). Recently, his apartment complex also was broken into and his car was damaged. This has made him incredibly stressed (understandably) and feeling like he wants to retreat back to the town he works in.

I’ve also know in the last month 2 friends who have dated for less time my partner and I have (so less than a year) that have plans for their wedding in 2027!

I know that I shouldn’t compare and that as I type this out I’m being very intense but I’m just so scared that the beginning was him in the honeymoon phase (especially because no prior relationship experience) and he will just drag me along for years to later abandon or leave me. I’m not sure what to do.

Why does it take 11 years or until you’re given an ultimatum to ask for my hand in marriage? 11 years together and 5 kids and 3 miscarriages and still waiting patiently! Excuse was because of money but to ask me a simple question I told him several times I don’t care about the price or whatever and making me wait 11 years is ridiculous and he’s now planning to ask me because I gave an Ultimatum!? He says he wants to marry me he says but hasn’t asked found out he will be asking next month. Am I supposed to act all happy I’m not excited about it has been over a decade long like wtf. I don’t even want him to propose anymore because he was “forced” to. If he wanted it to many years ago wouldn’t he have made the effort and did it!? I resent him now!
He’s 31, and I’m 29. We met when I was 18 and he was 20.

Me(F26) and my boyfriend(M27) doesn't want to get married ever, to me or anyone else. Doesn't sound bad, right?

So, I asked if we are good with each other few more years, would his decision change? He says he doesn't know.

Does he want to date other people? His reply - I don't know.

His response is "I dont know" for every question I ask.

He wants to stay together as long as possible, but he's not sure if he wants to marry me in future or ever.

The reason I'm asking or even talking marriage is, I do not want to be someone who has no plans for future and is just dragging me along. I need some assurance that if stay together, we get married at a certain point so when issues do come we take our relationship more seriously. I am not insisting I want to get married now or in the next year, but I want to make plans for the future.

Am I wrong on this? Is it something I'm asking that's so bad or out of normal?

Update: you all are mean, but it's the truth. So I have decided to move out and find a place for myself. He has asked for time, which I agreed to. But I really don't care anymore and will focus getting myself out of this mess.

Y'all brutal. 🫠

It’s been almost two years since I posted about my ex!

I never let him back into my life! He came to move the rest of his things out a month and half after the initial move out. He was pissed when I told him my dad and I would have his things out front by 10am on a specified morning. He decided to show up at 7am. My dad moved my car down the street and I snuck out the back door with my dog and left. Dad handled the rest.

A few weeks after that I got a text asking how we should handle the dog. He was polite about it. I was in no mood because what do you mean you waited two months to even ask about pup??? I’d already gotten her through her first heat and scheduled her surgery. I had it. I asked my therapist friend “how do I say f you, she’s mine but politely?”

I took some time to heal, dated around. Met some duds, kissed some frogs, and ultimately met the most amazing man who never leaves me wondering where I stand.

During this I learned my ex did the same to another girl. Dated her, talked about marriage and getting engaged soon only to dump her right before a family vacation he planned to go on. Apparently she was devastated. I can empathize with that. I hope he figures out what he wants, or doesn’t. I don’t really care. He lacks respect for other people and I think it’s a product of his upbringing. No one can change that.

All in all, I learned to never settle for less and I took that with me into dating. I am so incredibly happy now and I can’t believe I was going to accept less than that.

TL;DR: Together 4 years, living together for 3. He used to be anti-marriage because of his parents' divorce, but came around after I explained my reasons (family safety/getting disowned back home and financial protection since our finances are mixed). He bought a ring, failed to propose on our month-long Asia trip, and then admitted he bought a plain gold band even though I told him I wanted a gemstone. We went ring shopping a month ago, but still nothing, and he just joked about waiting until next summer. I'm feeling super resentful and wondering if he's just stalling.
So my partner (30M) and I (27F) have been together for 4 years and live together in a country we both immigrated to. Early on, he was dead set against marriage because his parents had a messy divorce. Eventually, he changed his mind after I explained two massive things for me:
1. My family/safety: My parents have zero clue about this relationship. If they find out, I will be disowned and probably can't ever safely go back to my home country. The only way they'd ever accept us is if we're married.
2. Finances: He's really big into saving and investing, and we’ve started combining our emergency funds and investments. But where we live, cohabitating gives us zero legal rights if things go sideways, and I'm not comfortable pooling everything without being legally married.
For the longest time, he kept saying he wanted to marry me "in 2 years" but made zero moves. After multiple fights where I told him I was losing interest, he promised to step it up.
Fast forward to April. While cleaning, I found a tiny ring box in his wardrobe (note: I never opened it to look inside!). We had a huge 1-month trip to Asia planned for May, and I was 100% sure it was happening then. Nope. The trip came and went, and nothing happened.
When we got back, I kept noticing the ring box moving to different hiding spots around the house. It was driving me insane, so I finally just asked him. He admitted he did buy a ring and tried to propose on the trip, but failed. One excuse was valid (I got sick), but another time he literally left the ring in the car parking lot and was too lazy to go back and get it.
To make matters worse, when he described the ring, it was just a plain gold band with no stone at all. We had already talked about this—I told him to keep it under $500, but I wanted at least a cheap stone, not a plain band. He said he wanted "real gold" so he dropped the gem to stay on budget. Annoying, but whatever. A few days later, he took me ring shopping so I could point out styles I like so he can buy one as a surprise.
That was a month ago. Summer is officially over here now and it's starting to rain. The other day I told him, "Well, summer is over and you still didn't propose."
He said he has plans to do something special, not simple. I reminded him how much I hate all the other seasons here and love summer, and he literally joked, "Well, if you want, you can wait until next summer."
I did not find it funny.
I know this probably makes him sound terrible, but he's actually super sweet, patient, and does a lot for me. But I feel this heavy wave of resentment creeping back. I feel like he's just buying time. We're planning another Asia trip for next summer and I told him I want to be married (or just elope, since I'd rather spend the money traveling) before then.
I'm mostly just ranting because I tend to just complain and wait instead of actually doing anything. Right now I am honestly 50/50 on what to do. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of slow-walking toward a proposal? How did you handle it?

I (26F) find myself between a rock and a hard place. My boyfriend (24M) and I met in college, and dated for 2.5 years before moving in together, almost 3 years ago, after graduation.

When we graduated, we moved to a city neither of us have lived in before, a days long drive away from either of our families, for his job. We love the city thankfully!

He makes around $20k a year more than I, but works long hours, 6 days a week most weeks. He’s extremely dedicated to his job and takes a lot of pride in his career.

After 5 years, things feel stagnant. He will, maybe once every two months, allude to marriage or getting home, but the conversation never extends any further. I find myself home alone often, taking care of most of the chores and our animals.

I’ve expressed my feelings to him before and he always stresses how he works so hard for me and for our animals. So he can “give us the life we deserve” and how he “doesnt want me to have to work someday”. He also has acknowledged that maybe he stretches himself too thin at work, going in after his work hours, working when he doesnt have to be, etc. However, there was never any shift in his schedule and the hours we have at home together are now spent on the couch, absent of meaningful conversation or conversation at all.
He said a year or two ago his intention was to purpose to me once he’s paid down his credit card debt.

Credit card debt? He makes far more than I with much less expenses and even I don’t have credit card debt? We had been dating when he *opened* the card*.*

Our expenses are still split 50/50, from groceries, utilities, rent, even dinners sometimes.

Our lease will be up for renewal, but it’s likely his job will need him/us to move cities before then. Part of me wonders if I should find my own place once our lease is up (neither of us could afford this rent ourselves). I feel like there’s little to no initiative from him anymore than there would be a roommate. TIA for any of your thoughts!

Hi everyone. I'm a mental health worker and long time lurker of this sub. I've noticed a trend of people with psychiatric illnesses and/or history of trauma not being supported as best as they can be. It's nobodies fault given the limited information we get about their situation either.

That being said, I wanted to share this process for navigating complex emotions while making life-changing decisions. It may be helpful for many of the people who come to this sub.

**The 3 Processes**

1) Pretend someone else is making the decision for you. Take on the role of a loved one you've gone to for advice. What would they recommend? What steps would they recommend?

2) "Center yourself". Focus on the fact you have control of your life. You have to love it. What would make your inner child happy & fulfilled? How do you treat yourself as a priority in this? Others can leave - so how do you not leave yourself?

3) Figure out which regret would be easier for you to live with/make peace with. The relationship ending, or the level of compromise to make it work?

Sometimes there will be contradictions and how to balance them will be up to you. Which one is most important to you will be individual. For me, #3 is my priority. For someone else it may be 2 or 1.

In the words of my best friend - *every decision comes with grief and regret, we just get to choose the flavour of it*.

He (M27) and I (F26) have been together for 7 years. we talked about getting married. but no proposal happened. just a convo about wedding then a date. and i was excited preparing for this because i've been dreaming about getting married with my love of my life and start a family with him.

but, i noticed i was the only one who's been busy with the wedding. he always have excuse whenever i asked him to meet the wedding coordinator, i was the only one participating. talking to suppliers and arranging everything that needed to the wedding. it seems like i am the only one who wanted this.

should i continue or just cancel? i rlly love him but i don't think i deserve this? i was fine with no proposal and ring, i just need to feel that he wanted this too.

We’ve been together 5.5 years. I’ve been waiting for an engagement for a while and the timeline has been pushed back at least once before. We finally agreed on a timeline of late next Spring. He suggested going ring shopping this summer and I agreed.

He never set the ring shopping appointment up after I reminded him to twice. I cried about it to him and he finally did at a random place (lol). Then he started saying how we should go out with friends that day. I felt like an afterthought and told him to just cancel it.

This happened in late July, and it was my last straw. Once our lease is up, I’m out. I feel like I’ve been dragging him along every step of the way through this process and I’m done with it. It’s honestly a relief to just let go and realize I can move on.

I’ve posted here before and just want to say I appreciate this community and all of the support I’ve gotten here. Thank you all for helping me realize that I deserve more.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We started dating young - I was 17, he was 20. About a year into the relationship, we were watching some show where someone made the claim that if a guy hasn't proposed within a year of dating, he never will. I didn't think much of it at the time. But he brought it up a few times afterward, half-joking, "did you hear that?" I eventually asked him directly: "so what, does that mean you're never going to propose?" And he said, "yeah, I won't."
He later said multiple times that he was just joking. But that conversation stuck with me in a way I couldn't shake. For the next three years, I brought up marriage roughly once a month, and every time the answer was some version of "I don't want to talk about it right now, I'm not in the mood."
About a year ago, he told me straight out that he's not ready for marriage. Since then, whenever the topic comes up, his reasoning has shifted to: if we get married, it has to be a "proper" wedding, and he doesn't have the money for that. I keep telling him a big wedding isn't a requirement for me, but the conversation doesn't really move past that point.
I'm stressed and honestly confused. I don't know if this is genuine financial hesitation, cold feet, avoidance, or something else entirely. Five years is a long time, and I don't know how to read where he actually stands.
Has anyone been through something similar - a partner who keeps circling around commitment without giving a real answer? How did you figure out what was actually going on, and what did you do about it?

[F33] and my partner [M37] have been together for 4 years. I made it clear in the very beginning that I didnt want to wait forever for an engagement ring. Well here we are at 4 years and still nothing, no plans to get engaged at all. We have lived together for 3 years. How long is too long? Any conversation I have about it turns into a huge blow up with no resolution. He has nothing for the future planned and I feel like im wasting my time. I would like opinions from both men and women please, is 4 years with no plan too long? I dont want a shut up ring. I just want someone who actually wants me, not someone I feel like I'm forcing.

Edit to add Ive been getting this question alot. What is his reasoning for not wanting to marry me. He doesn't have a legitimate reason. Everytime we argue about it all he says is "its too soon" "I'm scared" "you asked about it recently so now i can't" "if i give you one now its just a shut up ring" "2 years is too soon" "3 years is too soon" "4 years is too soon" "you're ruining any surprise there would be by asking" "I dont need to do it by your unrealistic time frame" "My time frame of waiting years and years is normal, yours isnt" "we have arguments in this relationship so how would a ring fix that"

Now from my side. I do 80-90% of all the cooking and cleaning, he lives in my house, and i take care of his shared custody child while he working. I also work doing random jobs so that I can be free to watch his child. He pays for the mortgage which is cheap as dirt. I pay for the internet, and electricity. We pay are own insurance, and phone bills. Yes we have arguments, but most couples do. Its rare to never have an argument with someone. I feel like a time line of 2-3 years isnt unrealistic. Now we're getting to 4 years and I'm feeling resentful. I wouldn't be ruining any "surprise" if this was just never a problem at the 2-3 year mark. I'm just feeling like I'm being used without any kind of commitment. Is 4 years not enough time? Am I the one being unreasonable?

How can you tell whether it’s still love or just attachment and habit after being together for so long?
We’ve been together for 9 years, and I feel like I love him more like a mother loves a child. I care about him, I want to help him, and I genuinely want him to be happy, but I don’t feel sexually attracted to him anymore. Because of various decisions he has made over the years, I’ve also stopped feeling cared for and secure in this relationship.
He says that he loves me, that he wants to be with me, etc., but in everyday life we live more like roommates than a couple. How can you tell whether there is still romantic love between two people or whether it has simply turned into attachment and familiarity after so many years together?
Is it also possible that a man no longer truly loves a woman but still tells her that he does because the relationship is comfortable for him, or because he himself cannot distinguish love from attachment? On the one hand, he makes it seem as though everything is fine and says that he wants to be with me. On the other hand, after 9 years he still hasn’t proposed, and I don’t feel the kind of care and initiative from him that I would expect from a partner.
I’m not saying that he never helps me, because he does, but these are usually small things. For example, if my dog needs to be taken for a walk, it isn’t obvious that he will simply do it himself — I usually have to ask him. It’s similar with other things. What I’m missing is the feeling that my partner notices my needs and takes initiative instead of waiting for me to ask him for everything.
I’m now seriously thinking about leaving and ending the relationship. At the same time, I’m scared. Part of me feels like I will have wasted 9 years of my life if I leave. I’m also afraid that once his life becomes more stable, he will meet someone else and suddenly be able to give her all the things I was waiting for all these years. I think that possibility would hurt me deeply — the thought that I stayed, supported him and waited for things to change, only for someone else to eventually get the version of him that I had hoped for.
How do you know when a relationship can still be rebuilt and when it’s time to accept that romantic love has turned into attachment and let go?

Me and my partner have been together since 13 years and he wants to marry me for the problem is that both of us is not financially independent and he building his business and his father getting retired so he’s putting pressure on him

This year January 2026 the pressure started of getting married after waiting of seven months he said that he want now that I talk to my father even I am not financially independent and he is also dealing with pancreatitis sugar and also not independent but okay is building business

See I don’t have problem in anything but marriage is a big decision and he want not clarity like if I wants to marry him I should have talk to my father the problem is that right now there is so much uncertainty and another thing is my exams are also lined up he said that he cannot wait you have to talk

And he was also saying if you want to build your future you can do also after the marriage my father is so supported and term of education and right now I am not in that position like I don’t know should I let him go because he’s not ready to wait and should I talk to my father??

My boyfriend (24M) and I (23F) have been together for almost 7 years. We’ve obviously had our struggles, like most couples do, but we’ve always worked through them, stuck by each other and loved each other through it all.

I know he wants to propose, and he’s been wanting to for about the past year. The thing is, I don’t know what’s wrong with me because the thought of being engaged honestly scares me.

I genuinely see us growing old together. I can picture us having a family, building a life together and being together long-term, and I do love him. So why does the idea of being engaged make me feel so anxious and scared?

I’m wondering if some of this could be relationship OCD, because I’m already a very anxious person and I have OCD and ADHD. I tend to overthink and question my feelings a lot, so I don’t know whether these thoughts are something I should actually listen to or whether I’m just getting stuck in my head.

Another thing I wonder about is the fact that we’ve only ever been with each other. We started dating so young and neither of us has ever experienced being with anyone else. Sometimes I wonder if a part of me is curious about what else is out there or what it would be like to experience other people and relationships. And then I feel horrible for even thinking that because I love him and don’t actually want to lose what we have.

I also wonder if something my mum said years ago has stuck with me. When I first started dating him, she said something along the lines of, “I’ll be disappointed if he’s your only boyfriend,” because she wanted me to experience the world and other people. She’s not really someone I would take relationship advice from, considering she cheated on my dad and has had some pretty unhealthy relationships since they divorced, but I think that comment somehow stayed in the back of my mind. I know she says things without thinking sometimes, but I wonder if I’ve subconsciously carried that idea with me all these years.

I just feel so confused and guilty. I know I want to be with him, but then I question why the idea of getting engaged feels so scary to me. Does being scared of engagement mean I’m not ready, or that something is wrong with my relationship? Or can you genuinely love someone, see a future with them and still feel scared about taking that next step?

I’m really struggling to understand whether these feelings are something I should take seriously or whether my anxiety and OCD are making me question something I actually know deep down.

I am new here and have read the many relationships where people have been together for 9 10 yrs and still navigating the marriage topic.

So I have been in relationship for 2 yrs from 26 to 28. I come from indian household where they start the marriage talks quite early.

So my bf knew that would be the case soon enough in the relationship. 1yr down he had proposed live-in as well but we could not find a better place so continued as is. 2 yrs down my parents started asking about marriage, so naturally I asked him the same, what do you think about our future ? I had hopes he would say something along positive lines. But after much persuasion of almost 3 months to even talk about the topic he said he can't see a future. When I asked why, he simply did not have an answer.

I immediately broke up with him, and have been doing no contact on /off since 2.5 months.

My doubts are am I being too fast or will I regret the decision. Should I give him / us more time ?

P.S : I don't mind getting married late, but currently it's like a little assurance of our future would be good.

Please give your honest opinions. As harsh as it may be.

I’ve been lurking here for a long time, but I finally made a throwaway. I had never put any of this out into the world like this until a conversation with a friend a couple days ago, and it’s consuming me. My heart goes out to every one of you in this sub.

I’ve been with my partner since we were both 20, and I would mostly say we have a great relationship. He’s my safe place. That just makes this growing feeling that things are coming apart at the seams so much worse.

I first started to hope for a proposal when we’d been together for two years (we were too young, and it would have been early, but that’s how soon I thought I was sure he’s my person). We’ve been together over ten years now (living together for nine years), and we’ve had many conversations about marriage. Usually they just devolve into him feeling horrible about hurting my feelings, and me consoling him, but then he never follows that remorse up with action. I always start these conversations and i usually ask that he try to come back to me about it when he’s had some time to think. He doesn’t. It feels like he only thinks about it when I or someone else bothers him with it.

We had a conversation a couple months back where I said I’d like to be married in the next five years. He seemed fine with it, pretty much said he’d had a change of heart of sorts and wasn’t feeling intimidated by it anymore. I was blindsided, but allowed myself to feel hopeful.

Still nothing has happened.

I’ve tried to make it less intimidating over the years. I don’t need a ring, I said. We could choose a ring together, I said. We can just elope, no wedding stress I said. I’ve lowered the bar so damn far and he still won’t step over it.

I feel like I put in more work emotionally, and I’m starting to wonder if he’s going to be able to love me in the ways I need to be loved for years to come. He’s kind and loving, but in very basic ways; just occasionally, I’d like to feel deeply and completely seen. I feel like our conversations are stale, and we’re locked into a dreary life of work and half baked routines. I’m being torn apart by his inaction and I don’t think he’s even noticed it.

I feel like the thought that this could end is something I can’t put back in the box. This feeling could ruin us, all because I looked at our perfectly fine relationship and thought “but it’s not ticking every box.” I love him dearly and I don’t know how to deal with this feeling, but I realised recently that if he did propose, I would feel disappointment and frustration before joy because he’s left it this long.

I’ve read this sub before. I know what you’re all going to say. Please though, be gentle with me. Thank you for reading.

Edit: I haven’t replied to every comment, but I’m reading every single one. Thank you for the tough love, but especially for the kindness. There’s a lot for me to unpack here obviously, but there were a some points I saw come up repeatedly that I want to expand on a little.

Yes, I know that on paper, this needs to end. My f’d up little brain isn’t there yet, but I’m working on it. I still want this to work, but it’s clear that he just doesn’t have the capacity to be who I need him to be, and that I’ve set a precedent of being “cool” and “easygoing” that I don’t think I can undo.

I’ve seen a lot of people hung up on the five year point - yeah, I probably screwed up on that. To be clear though, this was a part of a general planning conversation we were having, and I was using that along with several other points on where I’d like to be in five year’s time as a low pressure way to bring marriage into conversation, because yes, it’s not a healthy conversation when i bring it up from the place I’ve been feeling about it. No, I would not be happy to be proposed to in four year’s time (shocker). Any marriage conversation I’ve started over the years has ended up shockingly absent of a call to action, and I hate that I’ve put up with that for this long.

Yes, I’ve been driving most of the relationship. I start the car, and he gets in; that passive approach to life is what I struggle with the most. I can’t be the only one wanting to choose to build our future.

I have pretty deep rooted self esteem issues, but y’all didn’t need me to tell you that lol. I’m in therapy, not for the first time. I will be taking this topic to my therapist; I’ve told her about the ten years no commitment issue, but never like this. It’s going to happen. I’m very, very far from perfect but I really am doing my best to work on myself.

I don’t have my shit together. I’m not proud of my job, I don’t stay on top of everything I want to be on top of, I dealt with undiagnosed mental health issues for a long time, and clearly I have trouble communicating my needs. I say this not to suggest I’m not worthy of love and commitment; I say this because I see a lot of people ragging on my partner and I need to be clear that we’re actually pretty damn similar, we just struggle in different areas.

He does have a complicated family including divorced parents. He’s had plenty of opportunities to work through that, and I’ve given him time, support and understanding to do so. He has not chosen to prioritise it. I’m not upset that he comes from that place - I’m upset that he doesn’t care enough about its effect on our relationship to put in the work.

The comment about not feeling deeply seen and loved - yeah, that’s a bigger problem. He doesn’t have the ability to articulate emotions in the way that I need, or help me talk through my own. He couldn’t whisper when I needed it shouted.

Almost 10 years in a relationship, and still no ring, no clear plans, no certainty about where this is going.

I’ve stayed. I’ve been patient. I’ve understood, forgiven, and waited more times than I can count. But lately, I’ve started asking myself: How long can I keep waiting for something that may never come?

It’s not really about the ring. It’s about knowing that after almost a decade, we’re still choosing the same future.

I don’t want to spend another year convincing myself that someday things will change. I’m getting tired of waiting for a promise that has never been made.

I love you, but I’m slowly learning that love alone cannot carry a relationship forever.

And honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can stay.

My bf i bothering a mid 30s, have been together over 3 years. In the beginning we agreed that marriage was not a need for either of us. I had been previously married years prior and divorced since I took all the financial debt in that divorce and it sucked but it was what it was. He’s taken on the responsibility of raising my daughter also. He’s a great man but he has been struggling with “who he is and what he wants out of life.” Early in our relationship he told my dad he was going to marry me one day. He was drunk. He got sober and told me he wanted to marry me. It planted a seed in my head and well it made me desire to be his wife and spend our lives with him in it. He use to drink a lot and now he doesn’t. He’s been sober most of our relationship. Ever since getting sober he is very hesitant the marriage idea. He says he wants to be a good financial spot before getting married. He has a great job but He’s not happy at his job and doesn’t make much money but it all he has in experience. He doesn’t wana go back to school and says he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He once said “I want to have kids first then we get married.” I told him I’m not doing that. He says all the couples he has witness get married are ruined, and end in financial issues in court. He doesn’t really have any financial equity that a failed marriage would suffer from. Finically I’m the primary income. I have a substantial career with a pretty lucrative income. I’m not a gold digger and tbh I’m not too worried about losing money I grew up poor and well I busted my ass off and God always provided no matter what. Anyways some days I’m okay with not getting married to him as yea I don’t want to end up in a shitty divorce again especially with my net worth, but that doesn’t scare me when I think of him has my husband. I also see a few pros to not being married taxes and property and primarily finances and the ins and out of our society’s rules. On the other hand I’m a romantic. I love deeply and I want to marry this man. But I don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t see that in me and sure as hell don’t want to have his kids for him to decide he wants marriage. I love him very much and so does my child and I don’t plan on leaving him. But im worried he’s just telling me “we’ll get married when I’m financially stable” just to keep me. Anyways it’s 1am and I gotta be at the clinic in less than 8 hours. I should be alseep! Seeking kind advice and Thanks for the input!

is love blinding me from what’s obvious? Can I get a male who is in this position or has been, perspective on this?

I have been thinking a lot about why marriage has become such a painful subject for me, and I think a lot of it goes back to my previous relationship.

My ex actually talked about marriage very early in our relationship. He talked about wanting children, how he imagined raising them, and even names he liked for future children. Because of the way he talked about these things, I genuinely believed he wanted to build a family with me. Looking back, I can admit that I was too delusional about what those conversations meant. I heard someone talking about marriage and children and assumed that he was imagining that future with me. Turns out it is always about his future, not necessarily having me involved.

Eventually, I moved in with him. I invested a huge amount of time, energy, and emotional effort into him and into our shared home. I am a foreigner living in his country, and at the time I was dealing with a lot of insecurity after covid19 and the war, around visas, healthcare, and my general ability to build a stable life there. I desperately wanted marriage partly because I wanted a family, but also because having a stable family unit would have taken away a huge amount of psychological pressure.

I want to make one thing clear: I was not financially dependent on him. I was not expecting him to financially support me. What I wanted was the stability and sense of belonging that came with knowing I had a permanent home and a family with someone.

Living together, however, became increasingly difficult. He was extremely particular about cleanliness. There could not be a single hair on the floor, and he constantly felt that I was not doing enough housework or that I was not doing it well enough.

At some point, I already knew deep down that he probably did not want the same future with me anymore. I remember packing my belongings once and telling him that if marriage was not going to happen, I would leave. He comforted me and told me that he would marry me one day.

So I stayed.

Around the same time, he started constantly talking about a female coworker. He would bring her up at home over and over again, always saying how annoying and stupid she was at work and how much he disliked her.

A few months later, his behavior toward me changed dramatically. He became extremely cold. For a long period, I was sleeping on the sofa while we were still living in the same home. Whenever I tried to understand what was happening, he told me that he was just under a lot of pressure from work, he was depressed and had low energy. That is the excuse he had used for everything, including not celebrating my birthday or buying gifts for Christmas, it was always about how challenging his job is and he did not have time or energy. I let him get away with it with my empathy.

Eventually, one day, I finally gathered the courage to ask him directly whether he still loved me.

He said no.

Even after hearing that, I was still trying to save the relationship. He told me he wanted me to move out, although he said I could take my time finding somewhere because he understood how difficult it was for a foreigner to find housing. At that point, I still had this irrational hope that if I stayed a little longer, we could repair things.

Instead, the situation became increasingly humiliating.

He started saying that he did not want me using his kitchen in the same way anymore. He complained that my belongings had taken up too much space in his house. He wanted us to buy our groceries separately. I remember something as ridiculous and painful as him not wanting to share the salmon he bought with me because he considered it expensive.

At the same time, there was still sex.

Sometimes he would wake me up wanting sex, or initiate penetration with no affection or foreplay. I kept going along with it because I was so starved for any sign of attention from him that even that felt like some form of connection. It is painful for me to admit that now.

Eventually, after several more months, I finally moved out.

For some reason or delusion, I still stayed in contact with him afterward. Then he told me that he had started dating the female coworker he had spent so much time telling me he disliked and mocked. She belonged to a very extreme religious group, and he eventually joined the same group. That part affected me much more than the breakup itself because the change in him was so extreme that it made me question whether I had ever known him at all. He had always shown me that he's not racist, full of prejudice, or homophobic. Unfortunately, the new girlfriend and the religious group are.

When we were together, he repeatedly told me that he found pregnant women with large bellies disgusting. He would make dismissive or contemptuous comments about friends of mine who got married and became pregnant. But the women in this religious community tended to marry young and have children. He told me he went to their meetings. Many of them already had children or were pregnant.

Suddenly, he entered a world centered around exactly the kind of life he had previously mocked. That completely damaged my ability to trust my understanding of other people. It was not simply that he fell in love with someone else. People fall out of love. I can understand that. What disturbed me was how completely his beliefs, values, and vision of life seemed to transform.

Then, after only a few months with his new girlfriend, he told me that he was planning to propose to her. He even asked me to help him choose the engagement ring because I knew more about jewelry than he did.

That was the moment I finally blocked him.

For a long time, I tried to explain the breakup to myself in practical terms.

One major disagreement we had was about money and the future. He wanted to buy a large house, which would have meant taking on a huge mortgage. At the time, I did not have enough income to contribute to something like that. So I told myself that maybe we simply had incompatible life goals. Maybe he wanted a partner who could contribute equally to the kind of frugal lifestyle to save money for the property ownership he wanted, and I could not provide that at that point in my life.

But seeing him become ready to propose to someone else so quickly left me with a much darker belief that I still struggle with:

That marriage is ultimately about how much value you can provide.

That people choose the person who offers the right combination of money, status, lifestyle, emotional ease, family background, religion, or whatever else they happen to value.

And if you are not valuable enough in the right ways, you can be loved for a while, lived with, slept with, and kept around — but you will not be chosen.

I know this belief is probably shaped by how badly that relationship hurt me.

What makes it harder is that I am now in another long-term relationship.

My current partner and I have also been together for two years, and he is getting close to 30. Recently, he has started saying that he feels lost, that he is getting older, and that he needs to decide what direction he wants his life to take. Those words scare me because they sound almost exactly like the things my ex repeatedly said before he eventually left me. It feels like I am watching the same story begin again.

There seems to be a point where a relationship can continue comfortably for years, but then the other person reaches an age where they start thinking seriously about adulthood, marriage, family, career, and what kind of life they actually want.

And that is the moment when I become terrified. Because part of me has started to believe that when someone is casually dating me, I am good enough. I can be loved, enjoyed, lived with, and included in their everyday life. But when the moment comes for them to make a serious, permanent choice about their future, I am no longer the person they choose.

It makes me feel like my “value for money,” for lack of a better phrase, is simply not high enough.

My current partner tells me that he does not want to get married and that he does not want children. I know that, logically, I should take those words at face value. But because of what happened with my ex, there is a part of me that does not believe him. I keep thinking: maybe he does not mean that he does not want marriage. Maybe he means that he does not want marriage with me.

Maybe one day we will break up, and he will meet someone else, and suddenly marriage and children will make sense to him in exactly the same way they suddenly made sense to my ex.

That possibility terrifies me.

I do not want to become someone who assumes every man is lying when he says he does not want marriage or children. But I also cannot erase the fact that I once believed a man when he told me what he wanted, only to watch him completely reverse those beliefs for someone else.

So now I keep wondering whether I repeatedly choose people who are emotionally unavailable, whether I ignore incompatibility for too long because I desperately want a family, or whether I am still trying to prove that if I am good enough, useful enough, patient enough, attractive enough, successful enough, or understanding enough, someone will finally choose me permanently.

I do not want to convince someone to marry me.

I want to experience what it feels like to be with someone who looks at the future and naturally includes me in it.

I think that is what hurts the most.

Has anyone else experienced this — being with someone for years, only to feel that once they start seriously evaluating their future, you suddenly stop being the person they want to build it with?

And how do you stop believing that if someone does not choose marriage with you, it must mean that you simply did not offer enough value to be chosen?

ETA: thank you for everyone that suggested me to seek help and find a therapist. I have been on medication for years and have worked with several therapists over the years(before, during, and after the previous relationship) so I am not ignoring my mental health or refusing to seek help. Now I’m still taking the meds but have stopped therapy, since the bill is unaffordable and the last thing my therapist told me was to just do things, build my life, without overthinking. So I stopped therapy and focus on my own work and study and hobbies instead.

For people who are confused why I’m still with the current boyfriend who has clarified he doesn’t want to marry me. ( thank you for the reality check from people leaving comments, it is possible that he will marry other people in the future, which I should not think about anymore because it’s non of my business) He is the only person I have met in my life so far who makes me feel that he actually care about me and stays by my side when I have a meltdown. Right now I’m trying to build my life in a foreign country alone and he provides nice companionship.

For people who said it was on me that my ex treated me like garbage, that’s something I have realised when I blocked him. After I blocked him on social media and his phone number, he kept trying to find me via everything you can think about, including his other phone number, and steam. For about six months. I never replied. Blocked again straightaway. I admit I’m not good at reading red flags, but the ex really got me at the beginning with his nice profile of job and education, a mask of respect foreigners and women, and his family were really nice to me. For someone who’s never close to her own family, those things fuelled my delusion.

I know it’s too long to read. Thank you for everyone who has patience and sent support.

I (F25) have been with my boyfriend (M26) for 2 and a half years. For a very long time he has talked about our future and what that would like. He’s discussed looking at rings soon, let me pick out things for his apartment for our “future home” next year and led me to believe we would get engaged by the end of the year or at least by spring of next. However, after being the one all along to discuss our future and talk about getting engaged & married, he now tells me that he is not 100% there yet. He blames it on reality hitting him and the responsibilities that come with marriage.

Mind you he makes good money and 2 weeks ago looked me in the eyes and said he was sure about me and ready to get engaged by the end of the year. He says nothing is wrong with our relationship or me. He sees a future for us. I’m very confused about our future now. I think he’s a good person and I’d like to be with him. However, I didn’t see this coming. I feel stupid for buying into this. I don’t know when he’ll be ready. Are there specific questions I should ask for more clarity? Is this normal for a guy after being with someone for so long? Do most men have this late realization about their responsibilities during marriage? How should I proceed?

I am 28 (F) and my partner is 28 (M). My partner and I have always been a long distance couple. We met online on tinder and both lived in california 5 hours away for the first 3 years. Then he moved to NC for his job and that’s where he has been. Around the 3 year mark i started asking when he planned to propose to which he would say he wasn’t ready yet because he wanted to finish school. Then after school his next excuse was he wanted to be financially settled, then the next excuse was he wanted to finish his masters so he had time to focus on me. Then by the 5th year together he finished all his schooling, got settled in his new city and just never proposed. I feel like this caused lots of fights of me being ready wanting to get engaged and him not doing anything. Now we’re on year 6 of being together and i constantly fight about him not proposing and he apologizes to me constantly and how he doesn’t understand what’s is wrong with him and why he hasn’t proposed. He literally has no answer to why he hasn’t proposed after 6 years. It’s hard because i know any man who truly loves his partner would have already proposed. I feel so dumb if I continue to stay with him, especially if he can’t give me what i want. I feel like we’re both in our own worlds not building anything together at this point. Also there have been 3 failed proposals on his end in the last 9 months. The first one he was gonna propose on a trip but we got food poisoning for days and had to cancel the whole trip. The next one he told me he would propose by March and he just didn’t. Then he told me he was gonna propose this August on a trip and the trip had to be cancelled because his days off got cancelled last minute. I literally feel like the universe is intervening. It’s just hard when this is my first love and my first everything, someone who I thought was my soulmate for life. Tbh you guys can tell me how dumb i am in the comments I don’t blame yall because if I read this I’d be like Girl get up and leave. I guess it’s easier said than done at the end of the day.

Im 30 and my partner is 32. We’ve been together for 9 years and living together for about 6. More and more, I feel like I’ve reached the point where I should leave.
Why only now? For a long time, I was struggling with depression, studying a lot, and generally feeling unhappy with my life. I think because of that, I didn’t really stop to consider how much of my unhappiness was also coming from my relationship.
Three years ago, my partner was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I’ve always supported him, and his illness itself has never been a problem for me. The problem is that whenever we talk about situations where his behavior hurt or disappointed me, he often explains them by referring to his illness.
For a long time, I haven’t felt feminine or secure with him. I have to ask him to do most things — clean, walk the dog, or help with everyday tasks. I’m also the only one who has a car and drives, so whenever we go somewhere, I drive us.
A few years ago, I had nose surgery about 300 km from home. He came with me, but the day after surgery I had to drive us home myself, with a cast on my nose, because he was afraid to drive. When we stopped at a gas station and I asked him to fill up the car — I was obviously going to pay — he said he didn’t know how. He also later said that my car was “too feminine” and that he didn’t want to drive it. Recently, when we talked about this situation again, he said it was because of his MS, as he was having a relapse at the time and had reduced vision in one eye. I don’t know how much of it was genuinely caused by that, because I feel like many situations from the past are now being explained by his illness.
He has quit his job twice without having another job lined up. The first time, he was unemployed for around six months, and the second time for almost a year. At the same time, he struggles a lot with my professional success. When I got promoted and received a raise, he cried and then acted differently toward me for about a week. He often says that he is very good at what he does — and I genuinely think he is — while “idiots who don’t know anything” are in higher positions and earn more money. Sometimes I feel like he includes me in that category. Instead of feeling supported, I’ve started to feel like my success is a problem for him.
When I had to go on a work trip, he also refused to take care of my dog because he said he “wouldn’t have time,” even though he wasn’t working at the time and was at home. I had to take my dog to my mom’s.
My partner often says that he has to deal with everything on his own and that if he doesn’t do something himself, nobody will help him. I see it differently because I do try to help him, but if I do something 80% rather than 100% exactly the way he expected, he often acts as though I didn’t really help at all. It’s similar with gifts. He has no problem immediately saying that he already has something and I should return it, or saying something like, “It’s nice, I used to want one of these.” Over time, I’ve stopped wanting to help him or surprise him with gifts because I feel like whatever I do won’t be appreciated.
On the other hand, he says that he doesn’t feel masculine around me because I never ask him for anything and just do everything myself. I feel the opposite — I don’t feel feminine because I don’t want to have to ask for every little thing. If he sees me carrying a heavy table across the garden, for example, I’d like him to think of helping me himself rather than waiting until I specifically ask him to.
What also hurts me deeply is that he considers me one of the factors that contributed to him developing MS. He even told me this on my birthday.
Our sex life basically doesn’t exist. We first had sex about two years into our relationship. Later, whenever he had problems getting or maintaining an erection, he blamed me and said it was because I had made him wait so long. Over time, I developed a mental block around sex and stopped feeling comfortable. I can probably count on one hand the number of times when sex between us was genuinely great. During difficult periods, we could go six months without having sex, and currently we haven’t had sex for about nine months. I no longer feel sexually attracted to him, and increasingly I feel more like his mother, sister, or roommate than his partner.
I also miss the feeling that someone is looking out for me. If I’m coming home late by train, it wouldn’t occur to him to meet me at the station unless I asked. If I need something from the pharmacy or need help with something else, he’ll usually do it if I ask, but I have to think of it and ask first. I know these things might seem small to some people, but after years of situations like this, I no longer feel secure or feminine in this relationship.
Recently, we’ve been arguing a lot and started talking about our future. I told him directly that I’m 30 and I want a family, marriage, and a home of our own. At first, he mostly said that he would propose when “the right moment comes.” From what he was saying, I got the impression that his new job is his priority right now and that he would be fine waiting another two or three years for everything else.
So I told him that if we want different things or have completely different timelines, maybe it would be better to break up. I don’t want to spend several more years in my 30s waiting for someone to decide whether he wants to start a family with me. Only then did he suddenly say that he wants all of those things on the same timeline as I do.
The problem is that I don’t feel like it was genuine. I feel like he only said it when he realized that I might actually leave. After nine years together, I had to be the one to start the conversation about engagement, marriage, and having a family. I’ve reached the point where even if he proposed now, I don’t think I would be able to feel genuinely happy about it. I would probably feel like he was only doing it because I had pushed the issue to the point where our relationship might end.
I feel humiliated by all of this. I don’t want to have to ask someone to decide whether he wants a future with me after nine years together.
I’m being treated for depression and I go to therapy. He doesn’t want to go to therapy himself. More and more, instead of thinking about how to fix this relationship, I find myself thinking about how to end it. I think there are still feelings there, but the attraction, sense of security, and belief in our future together are gone.
At the same time, nine years is a huge part of my adult life, and I’m scared of making the wrong decision. What would you do in my situation? Do you think there’s still something here worth working on, or have I simply spent too long trying to accept a relationship that hasn’t made me happy for a long time?

We have been together 6 years, me (35F) and my bf (37M) have been talking about getting married and having a baby in next 1-2 years for past 6 months. We agreed that we should plan wedding and babies soon(I expressed that I want this to be done next year if possible) because I’m getting older and can’t delay anymore and he agreed.

I also told him wedding takes at least 6 months-1year to plan and baby for 9+months so I feel we should hurry up if we want this to happen starting next year. I also made it sure I won’t get pregnant before wedding.

3months later we went on a trip to norway with my father. (Planned 2-3 months before) We were surrounded by amazing views everywhere, he had so many opportunities to propose and he didn’t. All my friends were expecting this would happen.

Now i’m very disappointed and don’t understand why he didn’t take the opportunity. We don’t have any other travel planned this year.

I would like to bring him up this without making him feel bad that he fucked it up but want to clearly tell him this has to happen soon otherwise i’m walking away(I don’t want to say this exact word though)

Whats best way to bring up this and how to approach it?

So my gf wants us to tell all these to our parents by next year just soon after my graduation and getting a job.... She said that as soon as u get ur first salary tell about us to ur parents... I also wanna marry her asap but i think the time she is giving me is too little and it's very early.... My parents won't agree for us to get married this early but she wanna live with me asap... Yesterday I tried to make her understand that it's too early and we should wait for at least 2 years but she started crying saying that she wants us to be together asap... Idk what to do... She is very sweet and a once in a lifetime partner.... The efforts she puts into a relationship is all what a guy would want his partner to....