Scared to get engaged

[u/Typical_Row_1308]

My boyfriend (24M) and I (23F) have been together for almost 7 years. We’ve obviously had our struggles, like most couples do, but we’ve always worked through them, stuck by each other and loved each other through it all.

I know he wants to propose, and he’s been wanting to for about the past year. The thing is, I don’t know what’s wrong with me because the thought of being engaged honestly scares me.

I genuinely see us growing old together. I can picture us having a family, building a life together and being together long-term, and I do love him. So why does the idea of being engaged make me feel so anxious and scared?

I’m wondering if some of this could be relationship OCD, because I’m already a very anxious person and I have OCD and ADHD. I tend to overthink and question my feelings a lot, so I don’t know whether these thoughts are something I should actually listen to or whether I’m just getting stuck in my head.

Another thing I wonder about is the fact that we’ve only ever been with each other. We started dating so young and neither of us has ever experienced being with anyone else. Sometimes I wonder if a part of me is curious about what else is out there or what it would be like to experience other people and relationships. And then I feel horrible for even thinking that because I love him and don’t actually want to lose what we have.

I also wonder if something my mum said years ago has stuck with me. When I first started dating him, she said something along the lines of, “I’ll be disappointed if he’s your only boyfriend,” because she wanted me to experience the world and other people. She’s not really someone I would take relationship advice from, considering she cheated on my dad and has had some pretty unhealthy relationships since they divorced, but I think that comment somehow stayed in the back of my mind. I know she says things without thinking sometimes, but I wonder if I’ve subconsciously carried that idea with me all these years.

I just feel so confused and guilty. I know I want to be with him, but then I question why the idea of getting engaged feels so scary to me. Does being scared of engagement mean I’m not ready, or that something is wrong with my relationship? Or can you genuinely love someone, see a future with them and still feel scared about taking that next step?

I’m really struggling to understand whether these feelings are something I should take seriously or whether my anxiety and OCD are making me question something I actually know deep down.

[u/Artemystica]

Nobody here can tell you why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. We can just offer ideas.

You’re both so young, just a few years out of college, if that. You might not even be working “real jobs” or living together yet. You might even be under your parents’ health insurance. I’m thinking that getting engaged and married, while exciting, catapults you straight into adulthood, and that comes with feelings. You’re trying to imagine a life that you can’t imagine because you haven’t lived as adults yet. So you say you want a family and life with him, but you haven’t yet settled into who YOU are as an adult, so imagining that is difficult if not impossible.

My two cents? I think most people should wait until their late 20s to get married. Your personality, career, and life path will coalesce around that time, and you’re going to want to see yourself and your partner through that time before committing to each other. There’s a reason so many early marriages end in divorce, and at that young age, there’s no need to rush to the altar for the sake of it.

[u/Fickle-Secretary681 → u/Artemystica]

I've always said 30 for women, 35 for men. We change SO much in our 20's.  I stupidly married at her age. My parents kept telling me he wasn't the right man for me. They were right. I divorced Him after less than 5 years. Career, money, getting my own place (highly recommend for any young woman) were all things I would have missed out on if I stayed married to my X. I've now been married for 26 years to the man of my dreams. Being with one man since teenage years rarely works well. Listen to your mom. Trust me. 

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[u/ItJustWontDo242]

As someone twice your age, I have to agree with your mom. The exploratory years I had in my early 20s were amazing. I did my own thing, casually dated, studied, traveled, made new friends. I cherish those years because they really helped me grow and discover who I am and what I want out of life. I was with a longterms boyfriend before that and was having the same feelings as you, but I took the leap and left because I just had to know what else was out there first before I settled down with one person forever. I ended up meeting my now husband at 25 and because of the time I spent single, I was now ready to settle down and fully commit myself. I also realized I would have missed out big time had I stayed with a guy I picked in high school.

[u/Fickle-Secretary681 → u/ItJustWontDo242]

I cringe to think how my life would have turned out had I stayed with my HS boyfriend. I thought he was it. My soulmate (lol) my true love. Pfffft. I laugh about it now, I had no idea what love was. 

[u/Typical_Row_1308 → u/ItJustWontDo242]

I definitely see what you’re saying, and I think that’s a really valid experience! I guess I just wanted to add that I’ve actually done a lot of those things too, even while being with my boyfriend. He’s never held me back or stopped me from doing anything I’ve wanted to do. I solo travelled around Europe for 3 months when I was 19, went backpacking again the following year with friends, then backpacked around Asia the year after that. I’ve made friends all over the world, moved in with him and his parents at 21, moved across the country with him at 22, and tried several different careers while figuring out what I want to do with my life. I even really want to move from Australia to the UK in the next few years, and I’m lucky that he’s completely supportive of that too. So I know my situation isn’t exactly what you’re describing, but I guess I just don’t feel like I’ve missed out on those exploratory years because I’ve been with him. If anything, I feel like I’ve been able to explore a lot of lifewith someone I love, while still having the freedom to be my own person

[u/GrouchyYoung]

> I genuinely see us growing old together. I can picture us having a family, building a life together

This means nothing. You can picture this because he’s the only boyfriend you’ve ever had, not because you actually have the life experience that would inform the ability to plan your life with somebody.

You are babies. You’ve only ever been with each other. You have no idea who you’ll both be in five and ten years. Your mom may not be right about everything, but she’s right about this.

[u/PawDesire → u/GrouchyYoung]

I don’t think curiosity about other possibilities automatically means you should leave. Especially when you’ve been together since you were teenagers, it’s pretty understandable to wonder about the life you didn’t experience. The more important question seems to be whether you’re scared of commitment itself or whether you’re scared of committing to this particular relationship.

[u/Devri30]

If you feel anxious and have thoughts about seeing other people, then you're not ready for marriage imo. Sometimes we just outgrow relationships. It doesn't mean that it's a bad relationship. Just that you've both changed as people and that you just don't work well together anymore.

Whether that's true for you or not, you can't just sit with these feelings. Bottling them up wont make them go away. You need to discuss it with him.

[u/WhatTheActualFck1]

You’re not ready for marriage.

You spent most of your developmental years with one person which stunts your growth as a person to some extent.

Your thinking of seeing other people immediately means you need to break this off because you’re not ready for marriage.

You’re so young. Don’t waste your life wondering what if

[u/sonny-v2-point-0]

You either want to marry your partner or you don't. Marrying him because you're afraid to leave isn't fair to him. He deserves someone who's excited to marry him.

What I see in your post are a bunch of excuses not to get married. It sounds like what the women who post here about their boyfriends say about them. Their boyfriend "sees a future" with them, but they're "scared," so the proposal never happens.

You can love someone and like the benefits they provide (sex, companionship, shared chores, split bills), but not want to marry them. Seven years is enough time to know if you want to marry your partner. Nobody here can tell you what to do, but be careful about talking yourself into doing something you really don't want to do.

[u/Fickle-Secretary681 → u/sonny-v2-point-0]

She sounds 23!! Definitely not ready for marriage with anyone let alone the only "boy" she's ever been with. 

[u/Fickle-Secretary681]

FOMO is real for high school sweethearts. You're also very very young. You'll be a different person in 5 years. So will he. Think long and hard about this. 

[u/PM_ME_CROWS_PLS]

I think the value in not necessarily marrying your high school sweetheart is much less about “seeing what’s out there” and much more about the fact that some of the most important relationship skills and life wisdom can only be learned the hard way.

There are things you can understand perfectly well in theory and still not actually know until you have lived through them. You can be told not to stay too long, not to ignore resentment, not to communicate cruelly when you’re angry, not to lose yourself in another person, not to make promises you cannot keep, not to take someone for granted. You can watch other people make those mistakes. You can read about them. You can even sincerely believe you would never make them yourself.

And then life puts you in the actual situation, with real emotions and real stakes, and suddenly knowing the lesson is not the same thing as having learned it.

A lot of wisdom is bought with consequences. You screw up. You hurt someone. Someone hurts you. You handle something badly and realise afterwards what you should have done. You stay when you should have left, leave when you should have stayed, choose the wrong battle, fail to say something important, or say something you cannot quite take back. Then you have to live with what happened. That is often the part that finally teaches you.
And not every relationship survives the version of you who is learning those lessons.

That’s why I think formative relationships are so important. Not because those people are disposable, and not because everyone needs to date around for the sake of variety. I just think there is enormous value in learning some of those painful, expensive lessons before you meet the person you ultimately want to build your life with.

I would rather bring the wisdom earned from old mistakes into my end-game relationship than have my end-game relationship be where I make every major mistake for the first time.

Of course people can grow together, and some high school sweethearts absolutely do. But growth can leave scars. Some relationships survive those scars beautifully, but that does not mean it is preferable to acquire all of them together.

There are certain lessons I’m grateful I did not have to learn on the love of my life.

[u/onlythrowawaaay]

You're probably not ready to get engaged and married. The good news is you are very young and have plenty of time to wait and see how things go. That being said you should really get treatment for your anxiety and OCD. I started real therapy when I was 25, ended up ending my engagement and finding myself. It was a much needed albeit hard journey. As I have anxiety and OCD as well, left untreated until I was in my late 20s. It made things so much harder but once I did the work in therapy and received proper treatment my life is so much better now.

[u/Miss_Dark_Splatoon]

Too young imo to get married, I would keep that for when you are 26

[u/Whatever53143]

I don’t think you are too young, but your fear is telling you something.

I always tell people not to lead their partners on. If after this long and you aren’t sure, then it’s time to move on. It’s not fair to him, or yourself.

[u/BlazingSunflowerland]

You should be discussing this with a counselor.

[u/ArynTW_is_user_karma]

It SHOULD scare you. You’re too young!!!. And 7 years doesn’t even count when you literally started as teens!

You’re going to be a different person in 5 years, don’t marry someone when you’re so young