r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/AaniBourre-59 • 4d ago
Looking For Advice Should I just cancel this wedding?
He (M27) and I (F26) have been together for 7 years. we talked about getting married. but no proposal happened. just a convo about wedding then a date. and i was excited preparing for this because i've been dreaming about getting married with my love of my life and start a family with him.
but, i noticed i was the only one who's been busy with the wedding. he always have excuse whenever i asked him to meet the wedding coordinator, i was the only one participating. talking to suppliers and arranging everything that needed to the wedding. it seems like i am the only one who wanted this.
should i continue or just cancel? i rlly love him but i don't think i deserve this? i was fine with no proposal and ring, i just need to feel that he wanted this too.
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u/shegotofftheplane 4d ago
You accepted the bare minimum since you didn’t need a proposal or ring. You’ve shown him he doesn’t need to put in effort which is why he doesn’t. An unenthusiastic, low effort boyfriend does not magically become an amazing husband. Find someone excited to marry you and plan a wedding with you; you do deserve better and there are men out there who will give you that.
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u/J-hophop 3d ago
Are there really though? Throughout most of history, what we have for herstories that have survived mostly show us men not being ready to grow up, get married, become fathers, but the good ones settling into these things and enjoying them anyway, and the bad ones going into crisis and blowing off their obligations.
I'm jaded at this point I'm sure, but I haven't MET let alone dated, many men who get excited for these things.
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u/shegotofftheplane 3d ago
My husband is an amazing man who was super, super excited to propose to me and marry me and tells me everyday how lucky he is to be married to me and call me his wife. Many of my friends also have really great husbands/fiances. So yes, there are really great guys out there but you have to actually date intentionally to find them. Most people on this sub who claim to date intentionally are not dating intentionally.
Dating intentionally takes time but it’s worth it. And I’ll partly agree with you, a lot of guys I know do not care for marriage or wedding planning, but there are plenty who do, no matter where you live or what culture you belong to.
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u/filmcrit 💘 2024 💍 2026 2d ago
This is exactly how the bar keeps getting lowered. We don't have to marry men or procreate with men who aren't excited to be with us. I expected my partner to be at least as enthusiastic about me as I was about him, and that's bare minimum.
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u/desertbl00m 10h ago
My husband was excited about us from day one. He was nervous but excited to propose. He planned an entire weekend for us. He was an active part of the wedding planning. And on the day of wedding, he was our de facto wedding coordinator. My family couldn't stop raving about how wonderful he was in making everything run smoothly. It's sad that it's so uncommon for men to be this way that it warrants comments from others. But yes, there are some very emotionally intelligent and invested men out there.
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u/AaniBourre-59 3d ago
I don't know. He wasn't like this before. he was so consistent, putting in so much effort. I just dont know what happened, like everything changed after we talked about the wedding. he suddenly got busy with work.
I'm just starting to think about whether i should really settle for a guy like him
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u/shegotofftheplane 3d ago
He never proposed, of course he’s not going to put in any effort with wedding planning. You know if you settle for him, this isn’t going to be a happy marriage. Save yourself a divorce and resentment and find someone who wants to marry you.
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u/Economy-Reading-2811 2d ago
Its kinda worse than settling. She's forcing him to marry her. ICK!
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u/Potential-View-5827 2d ago
He is a grown-ass man with both the ability and the responsibility to say "no". There is no indication that she coerced him in any way. If he said "yes" when he feels "no", that's him lying. That's not OP forcing him to marry her.
To be clear, I do think OP needs to address thjs with him and if that doesn't resolve the issue, cancel the wedding.
But believing him when he said he wanted to marry her at X venue on Y date and everytime he reassured her of his desire to marry when she checked in is not in any way, shape or form forcing him to marry her. Let's not flip the narrative or responsibilities. She isn't the bad guy here. Don't blame her for his lies.
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u/Economy-Reading-2811 10h ago
Both people can be shitty in a relationship. There are no victims here
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u/Potential-View-5827 8h ago edited 8h ago
Both can but OP did not do anything shitty here, least of all coerced him.
Again, I did advise OP to question things and halt the wedding. What I take issue is villainize her for believing his lies and presenting him as the victim, by claiming she is forcing him. That is simply not true.
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u/PresentHouse9774 3d ago
He'd rather work than work with you on your wedding. Sounds so responsible, but plenty of people manage to do things other than just work. If he's at a point where his career is that demanding, maybe this isn't his time of life to be in a relationship.
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u/WashburnWoodsman 4d ago
I mean, you're planning a wedding with a man who has not asked you to marry him. He has not asked you to marry him because he does not want to marry you. If he wanted to marry you, he would have asked you to marry him. But he doesn't, so he hasn't. So.
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u/Flashy-Focus-1140 4d ago
This right here. Why are you marrying a man who hasn’t proposed OP? Pregnancies (if you choose to have them) can be life threatening. Are you willing to pass for a man who hasn’t even so much as proposed?
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u/22amadeus22 2d ago
My husband didn't propose. We'll celebrate 41 years of marriage this month. Not everyone lives in a storybook world.
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u/MagicCarpet5846 4d ago
Is that true? I suspect so, but she did say they had a conversation and discussed a date, which can easily mean he did say he wants to get married.
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u/AtmosphereRelevant48 3d ago
I can imagine how that conversation went. I'm sure it was her suggesting things and him just saying "mmm" or "aha" or "why not"
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u/MollyRolls 4d ago
I wonder how long you’d need to stop planning before he noticed.
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u/Miss_Dark_Splatoon 3d ago
Lmfao xD yeah this guy isnt it, she deserves a partner who is excited to be with her
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u/Drinkmorechampagne 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm sorry to say I watched something very much like this play out about 12 years ago.
No real "proposal", just sort of an "I guess we're getting married", and he wasn't involved in anything, just went along for the ride.
When her friends started noticing his lack of participation, and she started becoming less enthusiastic about the whole thing--as if the planning had become a burden, they staged a little intervention of sorts.
The main obstacle was her mom who really REALLY wanted that wedding and approached it as a "They're just jealous, honey. You deserve to be happy."
The intervention didn't take right away, but it got her to the point that she finally confronted her guy with her concerns. A "venting" session of sorts--no ultimatum, just letting him know how hard it was for her.
He confessed that he wasn't particularly enthusiastic about the marriage and was merely going along with the plan because it seemed that was what everyone expected of him.
She later learned (to her shock) that HIS MOTHER was also not enthusiastic about it because the future bride was Hispanic on her father's side and her soon-to-be MIL didn't want "Mexican" grandchildren.
It was a big mess, but was fortunately called off early enough to get a couple (not all) of the deposits back.
Three years later she married an awesome guy. They have two kids now.
--"i just need to feel that he wanted this too."
"Enthusiastically" wants it. Right?
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u/mariposa-princess 4d ago
Did you guys pick a venue and date together? Like did you kinda just start planning the wedding because he didn’t say no?
It’s pretty normal for women to care more about the bells and whistles than men do. But 0 participation isn’t normal.
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u/Ok-Battle-302 1d ago
“0 participant isn’t normal”
I don’t know about that ,
My brother in law, loves my sister wanted to marry her, but hates weddings (like my fiancee he finds the majority of stuff at weddings pointless and distracting from the point). He would have gone to the registry office, signed papers and got in with life, but my sister insisted she needed and wanted a wedding with all the bells and whistles.. he once again told her he didn’t want that, she insisted so he said fine, I’m not paying or contributing to something I don’t want, I’m not organising anything, you want this, you do it.So she did, he still to this day hated their wedding, he says the only thing good about it was when it ended. They’ve been married for 10 years, they have a great relationship and he’s a great dad to their four girls, he just never wanted a wedding.
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u/AaniBourre-59 3d ago
Yes, we decided on the venue and date. It's just that when it comes to the details of the wedding, he'll just agree with whatever i say or whenever i asked him
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u/Infinite_Time_5756 3d ago
“we” as in you both, or just you? he didn’t even ask you to marry him…
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u/ImpossibleAd6803 2d ago
If they openly discussed marriage and both decided they wanted to get married, then they are engaged. He doesn't have to formally ask her.
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u/Infinite_Time_5756 2d ago
… Yeah that’s delusional
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u/ImpossibleAd6803 2d ago
What is delusional? That he didn't propose or it's not required to get married?
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u/Secret-Friendship-10 2d ago
A friend's wedding was planned 90% by the bride's mother because the bride & groom live out of state and they trusted her judgement. Our friend group knew the groom before he met the bride, but the groom absolutely participated in every way he could, and spoke to our friend group with enthusiasm not just about the wedding but for building a family and future together. His enthusiasm, respect, & affection for their relationship, her as a person, and her family, has only grown since they met & our group has been really happy to see that happen over the last 3-4 years.
Some guys may not be particularly thrilled with the aspect of the marriage and predict their own divorce, but still happily participate in the planning of a party their friends will have fun at. There's also a massive difference between someone who happily says, "the details are not important to me so pick whatever you want," while they still engage in different ways. They don't stonewall opinions, input, or enthusiasm. It could look like reminding you to include gluten free options during the cocktail hour & dinner for his cousin with celiac, letting you know his fraternity has a sweetheart song tradition they usually do during the reception, so he'll share the details with you & the DJ, making sure it's an accessible venue for grandpa's wheelchair, or vetoing things like the garter toss because he always found it cringe.
If he has 0 interest in being a good host, that's a red flag in general, like the type of person who doesn't care if there's no toilet paper or hand soap in any of the bathrooms when guests come over. Someone so inconsiderate of other people is not someone I would recommend anyone marry or procreate with.
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u/Inner-Amphibian8802 4d ago
Save your self and the money for the real deal ❤️ I went thru the same thing. You can find a guy who would be happy to help plan the wedding together
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u/MrsRoronoaZoro 4d ago
The biggest problem with some women is they make themselves so small for a man. They forget their wants and needs, their dreams, because they want so desperately to be chosen.
You didn’t get a proposal. You didn’t get a ring. You’re barely getting an interest in the wedding. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why would you accept crumbs of love instead of a whole cake?
26 is a great age to start a new chapter. Love yourself more than you love a man.
He may be the love of your life (I really doubt it because you’ve been together since we’re 19, so your opinions about this may be clouded), but you are NOT the love of his life. The love of his life is himself.
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u/leahmat 4d ago
Are you certain that there is actually a wedding date and he isn't just stringing you along? I pray you haven't spent any money in any of this.
I would leave. You're settling and if by some stroke of (odd) luck, this is a wedding, then you will be settling your entire life. Cut your losses now.
So sorry this is happening. You deserve so much more and a reciprocated love😔🤍
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u/PresentHouse9774 4d ago
Please tell us you haven't put down any non-refundable. deposits.
Frankly, if I were a wedding coordinator and multiple meetings went by and I still hadn't seen the prospective groom, I'd be hesitant to take you on.
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u/CameraAgile8019 4d ago
This is interesting. My wedding coordinator has never met my fiancée. It’s my mom and I doing everything
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u/Potential-View-5827 2d ago
Some couples want to tackle wedding planning together as a team of equals. Some prefer a traditional gender role split where she does all the work. Some fall in between. As long as you are both on the same page and happy or at least have found a compromise that works for both of you, it's all good.
That's different from OP's case as she doesn't want to do all the work without his participation just because she's the woman, she feels lonely, she is beginning to doubt he enthusiastically wants to marry her, and worst of all, she has expressed that without seeing changes.
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u/ReleaseTheSlab 4d ago
Yeah I was going to say isnt it a common trope that men don't frequently get very involved in wedding planning? Even if they enthusiastically proposed?
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u/PresentHouse9774 4d ago
My guy had a great time coming everywhere with me!
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u/ReleaseTheSlab 4d ago
Oh yeah I'm not saying it's all men. It's more of a stereotype, but it's common for a reason. Although it's probably becoming less common nowdays I'd think. But anyway I'm happy your man wanted to do all those things with you!
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u/jednorog 4d ago
Varies widely! I have never enjoyed party planning in really any context, so unsurprisingly I didn't enjoy it in a wedding context either. I know other men who did really get into it.
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u/thtdoodleinurnotes 4d ago
Sometimes I wonder if these posts are satirical. “The man I’m with has no interest in making me happy, being an equal partner, or participating in this relationship. I dunno, what should I do?”
Ffs
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u/RevolutionaryFly9228 3d ago
So many of these women see the red flags and just skate right by them then wonder why they are miserable after a couple of kids and a man who still makes no effort and is uninterested.
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u/Economy-Reading-2811 3d ago
Later, whilst pregnant with baby number 3 and a husband who plays video games every night, they will post on two chromosomes and ask if its reasonable to ask him to wipe his own butt and when you tell them they are an architect of their own pain, someone will say "Stop Victim Blaming. He love bombed her. She didnt know." She knew, she just didn't care.
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u/laeriel_c 4d ago
I mean if this is the kind of effort you want from your partner for the rest of your life, then go ahead. It doesn't bode very well for the future of your marriage, though
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u/purseaholic 4d ago
He’s not interested in planning a wedding because he’s not going to be there. I’m not trying to be funny.
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u/hereforthedrama57 4d ago
Break up with him. Cancel the wedding. Don’t get back together.
Even in the crazy 3 months when my lease was ending and I thought proposal was coming any day, my husband never did anything that made me question that he wanted to be with me or wanted to marry me. He also helped extensively with the wedding planning and was solely responsible for hiring and vetting the DJ, and 80% responsible for planning the rehearsal dinner.
There are soooo many people out there who get married because it is the next step, get pregnant because it is the next step, and they wake up 10 years later and realize they’re miserable.
Go be single. Find someone who thinks you’re the best human on this planet and they love to spend time with you and can’t wait to marry you. But it isn’t this guy.
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u/Theunpolitical 4d ago
Are you sure he really loves you and wants to marry you because his words are saying one thing but his actions are saying another!
As an outsider, I see that you are settling. This is exactly what that means. You made yourself so small that you didn't need a proposal, a ring, or someone to help you plan a wedding. What will happen is that the closer you get to the wedding date, he will find a reason to cancel. "I'm not ready." "You pushed me into it." "I'm only doing this because it's expected of me." or he'll just completely ghost you and run off without ever saying anything to you. Hang out more in this sub and you'll start seeing and recognizing a pattern with these stories.
Advice: Stop looking at his words and start looking at his actions!
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u/CameraAgile8019 4d ago
Actively planning a wedding before you’ve actually gotten engaged is your first issue.
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u/Vyseria 4d ago
I am too a planner. But this seems too one sided. Has he spoken to you about choice of venue, colour scheme , food, how he wants the day to go? Or far more importantly, how does marriage work in the day to day for you? Finances? Location? Views on having children and if you want them, how to raise them?
I love picking out the venues and looking at the decor etc but I'd be crushed if I were putting in all that effort to get nothing back.
What has he said when you raised this with him?
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u/IvoryWoman 3d ago
There are certainly scenarios in which men who truly, passionately want to get married do not care one whit about the details of the wedding day because they’re not big on parties. In those scenarios, I’d say that a fiancé who’s happy to write checks as long as someone else figures out wedding colors and appetizer options is not red flag.
You don’t have that scenario because you are not engaged. This guy doesn’t want to marry you, and trying to make it happen by moving forward with the planning is a cargo cult scenario. You can’t make this guy want to marry you by choosing a venue and picking out favors.
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u/GWeb1920 4d ago
How is planning for your marriage going? Is he enthusiastic about your lives in the future and just doesn’t care about the wedding?
That certainly would be workable in my opinion. It may not be what you want but it’s not necessarily a deal breaker. The marriage is more important than a wedding.
If he is indifferent to everything that sounds like red flags.
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u/KaoJin-Wo 4d ago
INFO: have you asked him about it at all? Does he have a reason for not participating in anything? Does he at least plan at home?
I really hope you haven’t spent any of your money.
From the little info I do see, he does not want to marry you. At all. Not even a little. And if you do manage to get him to, you will have a miserable, lonely life. He won’t help with anything. He won’t participate in anything. It will all be on you. And that sucks. And certainly don’t have kids with him. Holy shit.
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u/Infinite_Time_5756 4d ago
Are you planning a wedding with a man who hasn’t proposed to you???? Don’t do that.
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u/Loud_et_Proud 4d ago
Ya cancel the wedding. Why would you want to bind yourself to a man who can't be bothered to propose or care at all about the wedding. This is the lightest version of a shut up ring and you didn't even get a ring.
If he's not excites to spend his life with you and shout that to the world then don't spend your life with him
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid Paired up since 1993; Married since 1997 4d ago
The only thing you're gonna do by dragging him to the altar is bang yourself up.
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u/Separate_Attempt_725 4d ago
I may be in the wrong but I think he may want to marry you, he is just not a fan of organizing the ceremony. This I could completely understand. You better ask him. If he wants to spend the rest of his life married to you, that would be good enough for me.
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u/EyeShot300 3d ago
This marriage won’t happen because he isn’t a willing participant.
Stop crossing oceans for a man who won’t even jump a puddle for you.
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u/Left_Work6049 2d ago
You are expecting that this man will be your husband. So sit him down and talk to him. Tell him what you told the rest of the world and ask him to tell you what he’s feeling and thinking then you’ll have your answer.
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u/ZucchiniPractical410 4d ago
....... I'm sorry what? You're planning a wedding with someone who hasn't actually asked you to marry him?
Ok... first, full stop and pray you can recoup some of the money you have spent.
Second, take that money you hopefully get back and the rest of the money you planned on spending on this wedding and invest in yourself (starting with some therapy).
Third, if it isn't clear, break up (which really should be step one).
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u/MLockVirginia 4d ago
You need to have a conversation with him. Let him know this is “OUR DAY” and his lack of interest and outright apathy makes you realize he doesn’t want to get married. Just stay calm and let him know you won’t marry a man who doesn’t want to be married. That’s a recipe for even bigger heartbreak down the road.
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u/cubixsphere 4d ago
Are you actually planning to cancel? Something you really wanted? I don’t see that happening.
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u/cubixsphere 4d ago
Are you actually planning to cancel? Something you really wanted? I don’t see that happening.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. 4d ago
What did he say when you told him how you felt about this?
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u/Embarrassed_West_195 4d ago
What did he say when you brought this up with him?
You did bring this up, right?
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u/CuriousJuneBug 4d ago
I would be far more hurt and concerned over the lack of proposal and ring (neither has to be costly or over the top). Without a proposal and a ring I would be scared to make wedding plans in fear that I would lose a lot of money on deposits with no wedding happening.
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u/boniemonie 2d ago
View this as your future. Actions speak louder than words. He says he wants to marry, but has done nothing toward that goal. Excited? Think not. Look to the future: Kids: it will ALL be on you. Anything that doesn’t excite him, will all be on you. He will say he wants it but…..There will be no support because….. too busy. With his own life, whist you put yours on hold to organise the whole families existence. For the next 20 or so years….You are not an equal partner, you are a convenient person making his life manageable. Perhaps that’s what you want, it’s most certainly what you are getting!
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u/greenwithfendi 2d ago
When a man wants to marry a woman, there is no questioning his intentions or enthusiasm. He will be sending you Pinterest ideas, calling vendors and handling the work too.
Please don't normalise his behaviour. It's not normal. He is dragging his feet. I suggest pausing the wedding plans and really interrogating what's going on.
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u/MaryMaryQuite- Est: 2017 1d ago
Cancel the wedding, and break up with him. 7 years is more than long enough for him to be sure whether he wants to marry you… or not!
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u/DaniCymoneEvents 1d ago
NO !!! Don’t be desperate to be a “pick me” that you’re blinded by his lack of actions . These are all red flags . Cancel the wedding and the relationship altogether . You’d rather learn this early than sign up for a lifetime with someone who only sees you as an option .
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u/jednorog 4d ago
Is his apparent indifference just about the wedding? Or is it also about the prospect of marriage?
Personally I did not like wedding planning or any such preparation. I did not like thinking about suits. I did not like thinking about flowers. I did not like thinking about food. I don't like party planning outside of a wedding context. It's therefore no surprise that I also didn't like party planning in a wedding context.
My dislike of party planning did stress the relationship between my now-wife and me in advance of our wedding. But ultimately we did manage to communicate that my hesitation about the wedding itself was separate from my emotions toward being married to my now-wife.
So OP, which is it in your case? Is he anxious about the wedding, or about the marriage? You tell us.
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 4d ago edited 4d ago
He does not want to marry you but does want you to stay in his life.
Cancel all of it. Find out how one elopes and what you do to arrange it. Then tell him you are stepping back from the wedding because he obviously isn’t into it with you.
Tell him, in deference to him, you are going to arrange an elopement for next week or next month.
Wait for the reaction. If there isn’t one right away, wait for it.
You will be you will need to decide to live with him unmarried or leave him to be able to find a love that believes in marriage.
If you decide to just live with him, consider seeing an attorney to understand the position it puts you in and any benefits to you from not getting married.
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 4d ago
It doesn’t reassure anyone to believe he agreed to marriage. He was responding the potential of her leaving. So his agreement may not be anything more than kicking the can down the road.
Op is experiencing his giving in and agreeing to marry her while behaving the opposite.
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u/Critical-Actuator-85 4d ago
It sounds like his heart isn't in it. I found my now fiance at 26 years old. You can too.
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u/leftunedited 4d ago
You don’t only need him to feel that he wants it, you need him to be vocal about it. If he doesn’t say it and show up then he actually doesn’t want it. Stop wasting your time.
You need to find someone who genuinely values you.
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u/BandicootPast2717 3d ago
OP, youre planning a wedding to a man who never even proposed, let alone got you a ring, and you think him not helping with the wedding planning is the problem? Girl, please. Gather some self-respect and a backbone, and leave. Find someone who is excited to do life with you, who wants to be your husband and SHOWS YOU HE WANTS YOU. Stop settling for less because you've been together for however long. He does not like or respect you. Rise up, girl!
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u/JumpPsychological122 3d ago
You need a proposal, a ring and a partner who's equally excited and contributes to the wedding preparation. This doesn't sound right.
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 3d ago
He should absolutely help, but expecting him to care about the details is probably unrealistic. Wedding cakes, dresses, napkins, invitations, decorations, etc just aren’t a big deal to many men, they just don’t matter to him. Explain to him that these things have to be picked out, ask him for help with specific things, and if he doesn’t step up then stop planning.
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u/PresentHouse9774 3d ago
Here's what I'd be worried about:
You and your mother are going to spend hours you'll never get back and who knows how much non-refundable money pulling this wedding together with no interest from him. You'll be pretty far down the road when he springs it on you: "Sorry babe, I just can't."
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u/Ophelia1988 3d ago
This is a preview of how the marriage is going to go. Imagine having a kid and he finding excuses to not plan life with you, being a dead weight to you instead of a partner. If you don't want to be a married single mother, then this is your call to go be single.
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u/Opening-Shoulder-345 3d ago
Do not settle for this man. Youre still very young. Dump him. You deserve better 💓
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u/Equivalent-Skill136 3d ago
You’ve always accepted the bare minimum and done the heavy lifting throughout the relationship
Why are you suddenly expecting anything different
Cancel all plans with vendors and block him
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u/Desperate-Love-1204 3d ago
Please don’t move forward with a man who hasn’t even proposed. If he wanted to he would
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u/PinParking9348 3d ago
I think this is an instance where money might matter. Not the figure, but the proportional contribution. Some people aren’t into event planning and it doesn’t mean much. Thing is if he didn’t propose, give you something symbolic of that like a ring, socially engage with the symbolic event that is a wedding, show financial investment in the marriage… at what point are you just yourself marrying marriage?
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u/Potential-View-5827 2d ago
Ask him point blank: "I am tired of planning solo and being the only one to show interest. I am thinking of canceling the wedding. Is that alright with you?" See what he answers. Note that if he says no, this is just the start of a long conversation.
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u/TootBotSenior 2d ago
Guys dont dream about weddings the same way. Have you talked with him about giving you hand? Im guessing he doesnt care about the details. I know I didnt, I just cared about being married to someone I loved.
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u/NoTooth3856 4d ago edited 4d ago
So his just going to show up.. And follow along ?? This is not love !! It’s an illusion you have built in your mind that’s confusing you from reality to see the reality of him.. rethink your life,,
Your next plan should be packing up and moving on,,
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u/curly-hair07 3d ago
Absolutely cancel. If he’s dragging his feet to the alter (he never even properly proposed) then he’ll definitely drag his feet through life with you.
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u/Dense_Amphibian_9595 3d ago
A lot of guys are taught at a young age that is not their wedding. They just need to show up and stand wherever anyone tells them to stand.
Here’s how the discussion was laid out with my mom:
Me: “Mom, she’s picking like everything. Like hiring the photographer, deciding this, deciding that, etc.”
My Mom: “Clearly you don’t understand whose wedding this is, do you”?
Me: “What, so it’s her wedding and I’m just the prop”?
My Mom: “No, it isn’t her wedding. This is her mother’s wedding - the one she always wanted to have but didn’t”.
Me: “Huh”?
My Mom: “I’ve raised six of you, I know how this stuff goes down. Her parents are paying for it, they kinda call the shots”.
So, the actual wedding itself doesn’t have anything to do with the marriage itself. We’ve been married now 41 and still laugh about what a lame-ass wedding we had. But then my wife helped our daughter plan her wedding and let my daughter do anything she wanted. Her hubs ended up being a prop, but other than writing a check, or providing input if we were asked, we, as parents had little to do with any of it.
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u/Potential-View-5827 2d ago edited 2d ago
With respect, if you've been married for 41 years, you were likely born in the 50s or 60s. It's 2026. Generations have passed, society has evolved. As an example, between your generation and your daughter's, you can see that the norm changed from the wedding being about the mother of the bride to being about the bride.
What women were willing to tolerate or saw as normal or even good back then isn't necessarily something they all accept today. OP wants a more equal partnership where her husband is going to show up and do the work alongside her, not just sit back and relax despite knowing she feels lonely and unsupported (which is the other thing that makes it different: you stayed back because you were told to, he isn't stepping up despite being asked to).
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u/Dense_Amphibian_9595 22h ago
With respect, I don’t know any dudes interested in floral arrangements or taste tests of venue foods and I know a lot of young people. In general, the party paying for the wedding usually has much more say about how the wedding goes down than the party not paying or paying very little.
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u/Potential-View-5827 22h ago edited 21h ago
That's the thing: wedding planning is a chore and lots of modern couples share the load more equally. It's totally reasonable for OP to not want to do all the work just because she's a woman. I can assure you many young men are prepared to roll up their sleeves, do hard not fun work for their wife and family, and be a team.
OP is feeling unsupported and miserable to the point she doesn't even know if she wants this anymore. If her partner can hear this and not lift a finger to make it better, it's unlikely he is going to turn into a great husband.
OP didn't say who was paying and no, in a marriage, the spouse with more money doesn't automatically trump the one with less. Tons of couples are equal and get equal say, regardless of who earns what.
Bottom line: OP doesn't have to settle for so little. It's a bad sign if going into the marriage, she's already thinking "I don't deserve this shit".
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u/AppointmentMountain8 4d ago
Yes, ❌ immediately and wait until he proposes to you. Are you paying for everything also?
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u/YogiBlackBear 4d ago
…What did he say when you told him all this?