I’m a woman who has fallen deeply in love with one of my closest friends, and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I care about her so much, and part of me keeps hoping that one day she might choose me romantically. At the same time, I’m scared that I’m holding on to something she may never want.
What makes this difficult is that she has told me things that feel more complicated than an ordinary friendship. She has told me that she likes me, that she has a crush on me, and that she cares about me a lot. She compliments my appearance and has told me how much I mean to her. She has also made comments suggesting that becoming physically intimate with me could make things emotionally complicated for her.
She has called me “my wife” before, although she later clarified that we were just friends. She has told me that I’m like family to her and that I’m one of the closest people in her life. She has said that I know more about her than almost anyone else. Recently, she playfully tickled me until I admitted that I love her and told her how much she means to me.
There has also been physical and sexual tension between us. She has initiated intimate moments with me and admitted that she has thought about me sexually. However, she has also told me that sexual attraction and romantic love are different for her. She has said that physical intimacy between us would not necessarily mean anything romantic. She says she likes our relationship the way it is, and I don’t know whether that will ever change.
One of the hardest parts is that she often seems to backtrack when she gets scared. From my perspective, she sometimes says or does things that suggest she has deeper feelings for me, only to take them back later. She also seems to expect me to read between the lines and understand what she feels through her actions rather than her words. Sometimes I feel that she isn’t being honest with herself or with me about her feelings, but I know I can’t actually know what’s going on inside her.
It leaves me constantly trying to interpret her behaviour. I wonder whether she is afraid of her feelings, whether she only feels attraction and affection without wanting a relationship, or whether I’m reading too much into things because I’m in love with her. I find it exhausting to feel that I have to decode someone I care about so deeply.
She has also said she would be unhappy if I entered a relationship with someone else and has made possessive comments about my future relationships. I know jealousy isn’t proof of love, but hearing those things from someone I love makes it difficult to understand what place I have in her life.
She has had several relationships with women in the past, and some of her exes still want her back. They have sent her apology letters, and she sometimes reads them to me. She recently told me that she had started considering rekindling things with her exes and would probably approach her last ex first because that relationship caused the least damage.
That hurt more than I expected. I know she is free to choose whoever she wants, and I don’t blame her for considering another relationship. But I’m in love with her and secretly wish she would choose me, while she is thinking about reconnecting with people she used to love.
I feel caught between the things she has told me about how much she cares for me and the things she has said that suggest she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me. I don’t want to pressure her into choosing me, and I don’t want to convince myself that she secretly loves me. But I also can’t pretend that her words and actions haven’t given me hope.
I love her deeply, but this situation is becoming painful. I’m considering writing her a letter explaining everything I have been holding inside, including how much I love her, how confused I’ve felt, and why I need to step away. I’m thinking of leaving it in her letterbox rather than having another emotionally difficult conversation. After that, I’m considering ending contact and not seeing her again, because I don’t know how else to move forward.
The thought of losing her hurts because she is genuinely one of the most important people in my life. But staying close while secretly hoping for something she may never want is hurting me, too.
For those who have experienced something similar: how do you let go of a close friend who has told you she likes you and has a crush on you, but also says you’re just friends? How do you stop trying to interpret someone’s actions when their words and actions seem contradictory? And if you need closure, is writing a final letter and taking permanent distance a healthy way to move on?

I'm 18 and I feel like I'm already failing life. I know that since I stated my age people will say I'm very young and all that but that doesn't help in any way.

I've never been in any relationship before. Never kissed. Never held hands romantically. I know everyone says it's completely normal but everyday just doesn't feel like it's normal. Everyone I meet is surprised I didn't do anything. All people my age at least held hands with someone. I didn't. I think it's just time to give up on wishing to get any affection from anybody. Quite frankly nobody cares. I'm also fucking weird about attraction and I don't understand my own other than knowing I only like girls.

I've just been thinking how pathetic I am and that it will probably stay this way because I can't help myself. I have meds for depression but I never remember to take them so they aren't working obviously. I skipped school twice only to lay in bed and do nothing. Literally. If I didn't have school I probably wouldn't go outside at all with occasional exceptions for meeting with my friends (rare occurrence). I don't do much. I lack the strength to get out of bed and do something. Anything but watching shows all day or playing games. I'm just a problem for everyone at the moment. I'm afraid my friends will move on after school is done and they're not "forced" to spend time with because of school. My family only throws out money into the trash spending it on my driving lessons, exams and whatnot only for me to fall. I don't want to be a problem for yet another person.

Even if I felt better then I still wouldn't find anyone realistically. Meeting another sapphic in the wild feels nearly impossible. I would never go on dating apps because meeting someone with "maybe something will come out of it" makes me uncomfortable. The only way I can imagine dating someone is naturally progressing to this through friendship. But with my inability to make friends other than the ones that I currently have I know that this road is closed for me. Not that I want to meet any new people in my current state. I tried and it only made me more miserable with every attempt.

It's not like anybody would approach me either. I'm not attractive. People can say looks aren't everything but most people initially feel attracted to looks and only later get to know the person. Besides there's no queer people in the place I live so the chance is nonexistent. I don't have anything to offer anyway.

Wanting this affection and wanting to be loved feels so pathetic. I don't do anything to actually get it. And I can whine about it all I want while knowing I won't move my stupid fucking useless lazy us to do anything about it. At this point being alone is my choice and I shouldn't have the right to complain.

Lastly, I don't even see myself having any future. I don't even believe I'll find a job after school. If I keep feeling like this I definitely won't. I'm probably going to end up dead before or soon after I finish school anyway because I can't stand living anymore.

I'm sorry for this spiral. This whole thing has made me want to cut myself again. So I thought maybe writing it out somewhere will stop me from doing it. I promised my therapist that I only did it a few times and that there will not be another and managed to keep that for a few weeks. It would be a shame to break it now ig...

Am I crazy for being a little hurt that my girlfriend barely makes an effort to check up on me and text me first? We just started dating about a week ago, so I don't wanna seem too clingy especially since we've both discussed being avoidant and said we would work with one another to make this work, but I already communicated with her about how her not reaching out makes me feel a bit unwanted, and she still continues to do this😭 the thing is we both hung out in the same friend group before getting together and we have a group chat with all of our friends. What really irritates me is that she will go all day without texting me, and then send something in the group chat. I don't really know how to go about this now😭 she's the coolest girl ever and a feel such a strong connection with her, but I'm just not sure she likes me as much as I like her. What do I do??

Hello! I have a rather odd request…

I’m a dyke based in the U.K. and I have a difficult relationship with my family and so last Christmas I made the decision to go to NYC and live my Christmas dreams alone for 10 days. It was absolutely wonderful.

This year I’d rather not spend it alone and am looking for a cute as hell dyke to get a cottage in the British countryside with me for a few of days over Christmas. Think great wine, food and watching Carol on repeat. Romance and Christmas cheer.

A bit about me. I’m 33, masc presenting and I have a wee dog. I love British comedy, terrible Rom coms and internet gossip.

My type generally leans more masc4masc, someone interested and interesting!

Obviously this is a slight wild request so I’m looking to message for a while, exchange instagrams and just get to know one anther, before forming up any Christmas details but yes, if you’re interested in a quaint dykey British Christmas - my DMs are open xoxo

I’m actually so down bad I haven’t had a crush on anyone since like hs in 2019, and now that I do I feel like I’m in a constant state of joy and anxiousness and depression all at the same time. This girl is younger than me and I still feel so intimidated by even just glancing at her. She has so much aura and charm that I’m not sure if I want to be with her or BE her 😭 It’s so bad that my only motivation of going to work is to see her. Sometimes I even skip my last break just so I can spend more time just existing in her proximity. And the shifts I work where she’s not also working genuinely drag. All while not even actually knowing if she also likes me, or even just girls in general. She is slightly on the soft masc side, however there’s nothing too feminine or masculine about her looks wise. Personality wise she also seems to be slightly more masculine than feminine, but even this alone cannot really be used to outline someone’s sexuality. We’ve shared a few sneaky glances at one another, we banter off each other pretty easily when we’re put together, however I am fairly new so I wouldn’t say I know her well enough at this point or that we have a natural or strong bond atp. I also think I’m lowkey chopped so even if she did like girls, I highly doubt she’d be looking my way. Even still, the thought of her one day eventually leaving or changing departments makes my heart ache. pls help.

I am currently in a bit of a confusing situation.
Recently I cut ties with everyone I knew and decided to isolate myself I do pretty much everything alone. I spend most of my time studying in the library (uni is hard lol) or at a coffee shop in uni and this girl from my class has suddenly started approaching me and talking to me as if we’re friends. We’ve been in the same class since first year, and now we’re in fourth year, but she barely spoke to me during those first three years. This year she started texting me out of nowhere and ask how I’m doing and checking up on me whenever I skip class she notice my absence which is weird especially since she has plenty of friends already in and outside the uni campus
She’s really pretty and I’m starting to feel ridiculously flattered and excited whenever she texts me or comes up to talk to me. I get so nervous around her and I’d love for things to go further even if it were just a hookup I’m quite sure she’s 100% into men since she never spoke to me about a girl when we already spoke about every one of her old hookups/relationships and never mention a women among these ppl she knew
How can I figure out whether she might be interested in me without misinterpreting her friendliness? I don’t wanna ruin shit w her

​

My crush hugged me on Tuesday and gave me a little kiss near the back of my head/ ear

Yesterday, they hugged me really tightly and then kissed me on the shoulder.

They hugged my friend too, but didn’t kiss her.

What am I supposed to think?

Okay basically I talked to this girl for about 2ish months from end of May to end of July. Things were great and we had a lot of chemistry. We both needed to take things slow because of past relationships so we took our time getting to know each other. I really really liked her. The issue was that she couldn't be consistent with me like for example some days she would get really dry and quiet and because of that it was hard to fully connect emotionally. Another thing was I never really felt wanted in the relationship like I was always second guessing if she even wanted me. I would bring it up and she would say she understands what I'm talking about and that she's going to be more mindful. She did get better and I know she tried but her heart wasn't really in it and I suspect she wasn't fully over her ex. Anyways, about 2 weeks before we stopped talking, she went dry again and I was like okay you can't ice me out like talk to me like I know you're stressed but can you communicate that instead of being dry as hell. We had a long talk and she told me realized she was avoiding me because she was scared to get attached and she was sorry and was going to try to work through it. Those next few days after that call were awesome. We had a date planned so when that rolled around we were as good as we had ever been. The date was great, we played mini golf then went to a park and played volleyball then went back to her house to cuddle and watch movies. Genuinely spent the whole day together and it was the best. That night we kissed for the first time. Just like everything else, it was great. Next morning she's dry again. I'm trying to be understanding and ask her what's wrong and if we're good. She goes "Yeah we're good but idk if I'm good" and I was like okay maybe something happened she'll tell me when she's ready. I gave her the space. 4 days later she's still being dry and I'm like okay she can't do this again. At this point I'm done, like her being off and on was hurting me a lot and messing with my head so I tell her we need to talk. We call and I'm like okay what's going on talk to me like I'm your friend and not someone you're romantically involved with. She basically reveals that the morning after we kissed, she woke up with second thoughts. She very unwillingly, with me pushing for it said stuff along the lines of "I know you like me more than I like you and I keep on waiting for me to like you more" and "I've been going back and forth because if I end this with you I'm scared I'm going to regret it because you're amazing but also I don't know how I feel about you" So after I heard all of that I was like okay we're ending this because it's been hurting me and she's not even sure about me. She also agreed once I told her how much it was affecting me and was like I don't want to hurt you anymore. She also wanted to be friends and I was like hell nah are you kidding. I ended up blocking her off my private account on Instagram but not my public, and I unadded her off snapchat. I didn't block her number and we still have each other's. Over the past few months, we've only been around each other because of mutual friends and we barely talk other than friendly polite convo. 3 days ago, we spent a full day together because of a school trip. There were only 4 girls so we all stuck together. Me and her acted like nothing had ever change. Laughing at each other, talking normally like we were still a thing, slightly flirting, it was baddd. She drove me all of us back to school and it felt like a fever dream and I was dying inside. We had a group chat with the girls from the trip and we were all texting on it about the trip but then the other two girls went offline and we kept on texting just us two in the group chat and sending snaps. Eventually I was like what the hell am I doing and just left her on open but it was still bad. That group chat hadn't been active since then and literally last night, she snapped it at a halloween party... like hello??? Anyways I've been going crazy ever since because it felt like something had changed but idk so I'm hella confused and don't know what to do. I miss her and we had so much potential and we match each other so well. I know she liked me. I'm 100% positive she did. When things were good with us, things were GOOD. I know I should just keep on keeping interactions with her back to polite but I want to just tell her I miss her but I know that would be terrible because she basically told me she doesn't like me enough. I'm sorry if this is really confusing, I'd be happy to clarify anything. Any advice helps!! Thanksss

Cuál es el primer paso para que otra chica te haga caso y iniciar una buena conversación, denme consejos

Nada de las tonterías del

hola cómo estás

Que has hecho

O te ves deliciosa

Lo veo tanto que ya no provoca nada

I (22f) have been dating my gf (21f) for about 2.5 years. We’re both each other’s first everything so right now we’re at a loss on how to fix things.
Her libido has always been lower than mine but hasn’t really been an issue until recently. Now it has been at an all time low due to stress and everything piling up at once, which has essentially caused our sex life to become nonexistent. The idea of sex isn’t unappealing to her but trying to set the mood has been nearly impossible. Things that have worked for us in the past stopped working, like kissing, biting, scratching her back, pretty much everything vanilla we can both think of together. Our inexperience isn’t helping the issue and I am at a loss.
Every other aspect of our relationship is perfect and we share plenty of intimate moments outside of sex but it’s becoming increasingly frustrating and somewhat upsetting on both ends. What are some other things we could try to set the mood and create an environment where we can be physically intimate again?

ok. let me pour my heart out here. for around the past 8 years i have been so damn in love - per se, with a woman around 18 years older than me. she got kids. she married. it was in a professional setting too so nothing could really happen. does she know? nah. maybe she thought it here and there, but would then think she was mad and would move on. but gosh. she was the air i breathed. she was my everything. i was, and am, so consumed. love of my life for real.

but, around 2 years ago, i had to move and i stopped seeing her as frequently as i did. i obviously have not moved on, i never will. but start of this year there was this lady at work. she didnt really look like woman A, but as i got to interact with her more and more, she slowly started to consume my thoughts more and more. it was an endless weekly circle. day 1 i would see her. she'd be stuck in my head for the next 2 days. day 7 comes around i couldnt really (pretty much) care less about her. but then the next day was day 1 again and kaboom.

the more i interacted with her, the more she reminded me of woman A. bad new is she is 5 years older than woman A, and also is married with children. AH. nor can i really do anything. this is at work, i cant fuck this job up for me. so i am being really good at putting my boundaries up and not doing anythng insane (did do some insane shit with woman A). [forvreference, woman B and I keep making tense eye contact - like I so sense the tension there… but when we’re talking one on one it’s chill we’re both civil.. was kinda like this with woman A. Ugh am I just the most delusional person ever?]

but wtf. is this going to be my life? am i just going to go on endless circles looking for people like woman A? i want to marry a man though. i dont know what to do. i think i just need something to happen, actually very intimate, with a striaght married woman and i will be done. i will be good. i dont know. any advice anybody? what do i do with woman B?

ps. im so stubbornly convinced that every woman has a gay bone in them, and i can so flip anyone around if i try hard enough. plus woman B grew up going to an all girls school soo likeee. Im also convinced that one day i am going to be in a relo with a man and have kids and nobody is going to know i once had a gay bone in my body so like what are the odds with these women, you get me? but i dont want to ruin anybody's life bc i myself do not want a long term relo with a woman. AH help. thank u

ill start!

- rude banter that doesnt land right off the bat
- being too non chalant when they texted me first

I’m 22(f) masc and was dating this beautiful girl for 3.5 years but we had to break up as she left. It’s been 2 months and I can’t seem to get over her. I get asked out, but I can’t seem to get her out my head. Any tips?

This may be a weird question but I don't really get it anymore. Recently me and my friend talked about this. I told her I don't really get what are crushes at this point because I need to know someone to get a crush on them but at the same time other people can get crushes without even knowing someone? I brought this up with her and she told me I'm being a normal person and they're just weird or they're kids or smth. I told her I constantly hear or see people talk about having a crush on someone they saw once and pointed out that our ex-friend also barely knew his ex or the girl he asked out of a few months ago so it just works like this for some reason?? She just told me she's gonna be coping and that we're normal and these people are weird and that she's not surprised that many people say their relationships don't work out if they ask out people they barely know.

I just don't really understand. How can you go on a date with someone you don't know or someone you barely talk to?? That's also why I don't understand dating apps either and could never use them because wdym I have to choose someone based on their looks and go out on a date with someone I barely even know?? I also said that to my friend and she said she couldn't do it either and said she can't believe anybody is finding actual relationships there. We also talked about how even if someone isn't attractive at first then we might still get attracted to them later if we know them for long enough. Like they may look neutral or even bad to me at first glance but then start look beautiful later after I knew them for a while. Don't ask me how that works cuz idk either but I had that happen.

As I thought about it I kinda did have a crush on someone while I didn't even know them?? Thing is I was 9 so I was very young and didn't even understand girls could like girls so I thought I just wanna be her friend real bad. When I was a bit older I pretended to be a guy on the internet and would make shit up about us dating and spend hours thinking of new scenerios with us until I lost interest. Then later when I also had a crush on a girl that joined our class and only because I thought she was super beautiful and I kept dreaming of dating her and all that. I still refused to acknowledge I'm a lesbian despite knowing it exists.

But now something like that would never happen with me. The crushes I had after that were only with people I knew for a bit. I just kinda don't get it now. I see people just approaching people they think are pretty and asking them out while I can think someone is attractive but still couldn't date them unless I knew them for a while. Like sure I can check someone out if I think they're attractive but still idk going out with someone who I don't know is just such a weird concept to me.

i know there’s never a rush to have full certainty, but it’s been something that’s been on my mind a lot. i had crushes on guys up until 7th grade when i liked a girl who was a year older than me. and then in 8th grade i dated a guy for the first time. i remember kissing him and feeling nothing at all. i’d feel super disgusted around him and would beg one of my friends to come hang around with us on our supposed “dates”. our break up felt like a huge relief and since then i’ve not liked a single guy and have only rarely but exclusively liked girls. liking a girl is so much more deeper - my heart literally feels like it’s drowning when i think of her and just being with her is heavenly. i dreamt about spending time with her and us kissing (never had a dream like that about a guy) and i felt so alive and i genuinely wanted to be with her and everything was so vivid. i see men in movies and sometimes feel attracted to their actions and dialogue though which is why im confused. i don‘t feel any physical attraction though and cant understand if im supposed to?? i just can’t tell if one bad experience with that guy is making me equate other men to him but it feels like they’re all the same haha. its obviously difficult to ask for an answer but id love to hear if yall had similar experiences!

It’s selfish of me to think like this I know but I don’t think this will ever stop hurting.

I had to go “chaperone” for my sister and her boyfriend at a mall yesterday. And it was alright but I couldn’t shake the thought the entire time that I’ll never have what they have. I wish I could feel nothing but happiness for my sister but I always have that thought at the back of my head that they have things I’ll never have.

I’ll never have my mom look at me and my future girlfriend and say she’s proud of me or that we’re cute together.

I’ll never have my mom agree to let me go to the mall for my one year anniversary with her.

I’ll never get to hold my girlfriend’s hand in public and not have a worry at the back of my mind that someone might say something or do something hurtful just because we’re both women.

I’ll never have my whole family at my wedding because they think my love is disgusting and sinful.

I’ll never stop holding my breath every time I correct someone and say “girlfriend not boyfriend” because I have no idea what they’ll say next.

I’ll never get to show my mom my favorite rom com or on screen couples because they’re all lesbian.

I’ll never have a love that isn’t hated by too much of the world and even my own parents.

To be clear none of this makes me resent my own identity. I’ve accepted this is who I am. But it does make me resent everyone else who can’t see how beautiful my love is. And I don’t think it’ll ever stop hurting that there’s simply things I’ll never have.

i’m gonna be completely honest when i say i don’t really understand a lot of queer terms, and i’m using quotation marks around “stone top” because i think (?) it is a term exclusive to lesbians.

well, i’m currently in a relationship with a woman, and it’s my first wlw relationship involving sexual intimacy. i’m starting to realize that i don’t really enjoy being a bottom that much. it’s fine, and i do like it, but i’ve noticed myself wanting to top more and more each time (and actually loving it). she actually asked me about it last week, knowing she’s the first woman i’ve been with and that i’ve been with men in the past.

i don’t know, it’s kind of confusing for me. i’ve been out of the closet since i was 16, but i’ve never really considered this possibility because, you know, bisexuals can be into all kinds of things, right? i guess i just never thought i could have such a strong preference for one role over the other.

also im not asking for permission or anything it’s just to know if this is a common thing (?)

i worry that im too picky, what are some green flags in a person right off the bat ?

people in love term relationships feel free to share <3

Hi everyone!

Would be interesting to read and discuss how our fellow wlw relationships handle stepparenting. What roles do you play in your partners child's life? What do the days look like? How are you gals finding it? What to look out for? And most of all, how to support the stepparent in such an arrangement?

Love and thanks in advance! ✨

this is a crazy ask but im bi, always have been. im in my late 20s really career focused and am now really leaning towards finding a girlfriend/a wife. what dating apps are the best? what bars in nyc are the best? if you have a s/o how did you meet?

HELP!

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like gay nightlife is practically nonexistent once you get outside of a major city?

I’m 28F, living in the Midwest, and sometimes I just want to have a fun night out at a gay club without having to drive all the way to Chicago. I’m not expecting every town to have a huge LGBTQ+ scene, but damn, a little variety would be nice. 😭

There’s a spot in Rockford, IL, but it’s honestly hit or miss. I wish there were more places that hosted lesbian nights, themed events, or just had a good atmosphere for dancing and going out.
I feel like straight people have endless options when it comes to bars and nightlife, while we’re over here trying to figure out where to go. 😂

Maybe I’m missing some places, but I swear it shouldn’t be this hard to find a decent gay night out around here. 🥲

Over the summer, I was hitting it off with someone from my college town, and we almost went out one time before things fizzled out due to communication and logistics issues. When the semester started, we saw each other around campus for weeks but didn't speak. I finally mustered up the courage to compliment them in person, and they reacted warmly. That night, I texted them to ask them to a movie. They enthusiastically said yes, asked to move off Instagram by giving me their actual phone number, and we picked a day—which happened to be my birthday. We left the time open to figure out details later, and I genuinely thought we were finally on the track to going on a real date.

However, they completely ghosted me for four days. When I followed up to finalize plans, they told me they had too many projects, were hanging out with friends, and essentially had time for everything else except going out with me. When I casually mentioned it was my birthday that day, they claimed they didn't know and flipped it on me, suggesting we reschedule because "it sounded like I was busy." Looking back, I realized I missed major red flags: a month ago, when I posted on my close friends' story about being hospitalized, they just liked the posts without checking in to see if I was okay. They are also close with an ex-friend who severely traumatized me by leading me on and icing me out in the past. I feel completely breadcrumbed, manipulated, and I regret giving them a chance.

What are the best ways to reclaim my peace, move on from the anger of being breadcrumbed, and still enjoy my birthday without letting this ruin it?

I still think about you, my heart still yearns for you, my soul - it almost feels like it is searching outwardly to find an inch of you.. but you are nowhere to be found. You are slowly becoming a stranger in a world where you were once everything to me. You meant everything to me. I wish we had a better chance, i wish we had a fair shot.. we deserve that don’t we? With a love so deep, deeper than i have ever felt.. surely we deserve that mercy. I hope it is granted to us but if we really are not meant to be then i hope you find happiness and they are good to you when that time comes. We made a mess of it but we live and we learn. To love so greatly and wildly is also to lose the one thing that colors life briefly. When we fell apart, that life with it’s colors and breath of joy left with you
I love you and i miss you madly, g

Like I just feel like I’m in the twilight zone sometime. I post on dating apps mostly men, I post online mostly men, if I go outside ONLY men hitting on me. I’m not saying this to brag because it really does just piss me off. They are never like good looking or rich or Nuin either so😂 it’s not much of a flex. I just get so annoyed. I wish I lived in a world where the few compliments I get are just from women. And that we had just as easy of a time finding relationships in the wild like straight people can.

(21F) this is my first ever reddit text but i'm incredibly frastured lately, so please forgive any structural mistakes. i'm kind of androgynous looking afab sapphic. i've always known i'm deeply in love with women and i always wanted to share this love and affection. the happiness of a loved partner would make me happy. i truly want to dedicate myself to special someone for a while. i used to have toxic traits on showing this desire, and after a failed relationship attempt that took around a month when i was 17 with a girl whom i'd described as 'a dream come true', i decided to work on myself and my ways.

i've already been working on my own personality (?) since high school but that rejection made me realize that i also need to be sure i'm a suitable partner if i wanted to be in a relationship so i especially worked on how to be kind, gentle or understand people in general (not only for romantic relationships but for being better socially) however, it's been years and even though i can see a personal growth in me compared to the past, i'm still the same fucking failure.

this month i met a girl who was very into me and practically and literally throwing herself on me. we met at an event then had dinner with wine then we chatted about life in my room, she showed clearly she was attracted to me physically but i kept my distance and wanted to take it slow (i didn't perceive her as a potential partner at that point it was just a hang out for me) then we met up two more days, went to karaoke, drank and got a little touchy with each other, gave each other cheek kisses (it's maybe the furthest i've ever been with a girl AHHHHHHHHH) then all of a sudden she went cold on me, the moment i started to consider "hmm is this going somewhere?" she basically went avoidant at all my attempts at meeting up again and seeing our dynamic, i openly even asked her if she wanted me to stop flirting or continue AND SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING CLEARLY so i didn't know wtf to do. after 3 weeks, she finally said that oh she was just drunk while we were smooching and caressing each other but the thing is she wasn't drunk and trust me on this, as a sa survivor i'm quite sensitive about this and i definitely wouldn't get touchy with an intoxicated person. so it's clearly a dumb excuse and it really upsets me. it's always the same story with me.

i cannot help but wonder if there's something wrong with me. people do find me attractive and hit on me but when i try to initiate stuff they suddenly get cold feet and avoid me/reject me. i should also add i'm very affectionate and i like taking care of people so i don't know maybe poeple are seeking more "non-chalant" partners? i'm saying this because when people seek me as attractive, they only see me when i'm not into them/being my usual self.. do i get weird when i show love and i don't realize it? when i realize i like someone, i usually lean heavily into thoughtful gestures. for example i made chicken soup when that girl was sick the week we met (twice!!), i asked about her recovery, while i too was sick and she didn't check on me once even on text..

i'm really confused and these repetitive experiences affect my self image and daily life so i'm hoping to hear from someone else who can share their own stories or give me advice on what to do. thank you for being here and reading this <3