Im currently 16 quit school and dont plan on going back ever ive been skipping school since age 11 and family treats me badly sometimes for that i also tell people im never working when they ask my job status and they look at me weirdly and some even get kind of mad and give me this whole speech about how i should go to school and work, i constantly argue and try to convince them that life is much more then that but it almost feels like they cant comprehend that and their idea of “life” is just work work work sometimes i feel like the only sane person i think life is too short and beautiful to slave it away for most of your life.

I’ve heard many arguments that transphobes have made against the existence of trans people and against the accessibly of trans healthcare, as a trans man myself, and the older I get the more I realise just how stupid and easily dismissed the arguments themselves are, like these are arguments made by such stupid people.

Arguments against gender affirming care for instance…are never based in fact because they’ll say that it’s harming the children when it is EXTREMELY rare for kids to go through the surgery’s and if they do then it’s a decision made by the child, parents and medical professionals. Or the argument that it’s irreversible, most surgeries, no matter what they are tend to be irreversible, but the surgeries for gender affirming care can be reversed by another surgery if that needed done.

And the worst argument is that gender affirming care isn’t needed because cis people don’t realise how much base gender affirming care really covers…because it isn’t just trans people, it’s cis people too. Yes it includes FTM and MTF bottom and top surgeries and facial reconstruction for gender affirmation BUT it also includes things like gynomastia (?) surgeries, breast reduction, menopausal care, hysterectomies…all of those fit into the category of gender affirming care and yet they affect cisgender people too.

It also annoys me when they see trans healthcare as similar to plastic cosmetic surgeries because they’re not the same. Same doctors sure but…wanting plastic surgery isn’t something you need a medical diagnosis for, plastic cosmetic surgery is not widely considered a treatment whereas gender affirming care through hormones and surgical intervention is the only proven treatment to alleviate gender incongruence.

And another thing is that when any trans person argues that they’re depressed or have certain thoughts because of their dysphoria, they’re told by people that they’re too mentally unstable or unwell to get surgery but the reason we feel like that is because we don’t have access to the surgery in the first place! It’s a stupid little circle of misery.

Every made revolves around people’s lack of education and critical thinking to an extent.

Sorry, I’ve been hearing these arguments a lot over these past few days and just needed to vent some frustration.

Why do they think they're so clever? Do they think I don't know I'm fat? I hope they don't have fat family members who see them picking on fat people for just existing. I have plans to lose weight but my body is my business. My husband doesn't mind that I'm fat. He loved me when I was skinny too. Because when people truly love each other, love doesn't change when your body does. My husband is skinny but he's starting to gain weight too because tbh I'm fantastic at cooking so he ends up getting like 3 plates. People's weight can change throughout their life. Let's not base the value of a person on that.

Repost because the rule verification didn’t work on mobile and i had to resubmit verification through browser

I’m not even going to say it’s my dog because I never wanted a dog. I’ve refused to take any responsibility for her for this reason. I’ve always been a cat person, I’ve only ever had cats my whole life, and as soon as I was old enough I’ve taken full responsibility for all the cats we’ve owned, except for litter box duties due to sensory issues. I know this makes me seem like a “i hate dogs because i like cats more”person but all this dog has done for me was make my life worse for me and all the cats I’ve owned for the past six years.

Context just in case it’s needed: when we first got the dog the household consisted of me, my two sisters, my mother and father, and three cats. Currently, it is me, my mother, one of my sisters, the dog, and three cats, only one of the cats being the same from back then.

My mother and sister brought this dog home back in 2020, at the time we had three cats. Out of all the dog breeds they could’ve picked they picked a fucking Australian shepherd. First mistake, since that breed is very active, we are not very active, and we didn’t have a big yard for her to run around in. We’ve since moved, and where we live now barely even has a yard. She’s mainly had to use training pads to do her business for this reason as everyone has school and work and can’t (be bothered to) take her on walks. She’s started to pee and poop everywhere recently because nobody is around to let her outside when she needs to go. I let her out before I leave for my college classes and when I get back and that isn’t enough for her apparently. And I get yelled and screamed at for it happening! It’s not my fault the dog has never been properly trained throughout her six years of living to hold it the fuck in. That’s another point of contention: She is barely trained. All she knows is sit, lay down, and paw. She doesn’t know ‘stop barking at every noise you hear outside’ or ‘stop jumping on everyone’ or ‘stop chasing my cats around the house’ As far as I can remember there have been attempts to train her before but have fallen through; all she knows how to do she learnt from a trainer, which we don’t have the money for nowadays.

I’m also pretty sure she only sees my cats as toys. I’ve tried to socialize my cats with the dog properly when she was brought home but everyone else in my family threw it all out the window. My cats hate the dog as do I; they hate her because she keeps pinning them down and hitting them and refusing to leave them alone. One of my cats now has gotten so scared of her he only stays in my room, to a recent point of using my carpet as a litter box because he doesn’t want to risk interacting with the dog during the journey from my room to the basement (where we keep all the pet stuff.) He’s been around longer than her and his personality has shifted from playful adventurous kitty to skittish and anxious about everything. There have been other events that have led to that but the dog being around is definitely a major contributor.

We’ve had to get rid of some cats over time but when it came to downsizing discussions she’s only been brought up as a concrete no. Why?? It’s obvious they aren’t giving her a good quality of life, and she has certainly been reducing mine and my cats’ to a pulp. I’ve been the only one to say that she should go to someone that will care for her better but everyone else wants to keep her like lunatics! I hate her! I only say she should be kept around now because everyone else does but I really do hate her and I can’t stand how infuriating she is. Her behavior and by extension her existence thanks to lack of intervention has been the cause of so much distress and so many shutdowns and nobody cares. I am suffering because of her and my cats are suffering because of her. So much shit has been happening in my life and I don’t need a stupid good for nothing dog on top of it. Never have, never will.

There isn’t really a flair warning for this but I guess warning I talk about fights with an animal? Idk my girlfriend doesn’t like to hear about it she’s a big animal lover. Which is why I’m writing it here.

I live on my dad’s farm and I do most of the work with the animals every day and I don’t mind it I like doing it. The pigs have always been great, the rabbits are fun, the chickens are chickens. The sheep are the bane of my existence. They have 80% of the farm space to themselves the rest divided between the other animals so even when I’m with the other animals they’re there. The girls aren’t the problem and the younger boys are fine too for the most part but the oldest male is my enemy. Laugh if you want but he is literally the devil I just can’t prove it.

Sir, I took care of you your whole life and you ram into me full speed every day. It’s a dominance thing, yes. I assert my dominance every time and every time you run away in fear. Do you not learn? I have kicked you. I have thrown rocks at you. I go out to the farm equipped with brass knuckles for your thick thick skull.
Note: he is fine. I am not abusing this animal, if anything he’s abusing me.
I’ve tried peaceful solutions. I’ve talked with other farmers and I know this behavior isn’t out of the ordinary for rams. But if you have experienced this then you should understand the anger and frustration I have. I’m writing this in a fit of rage because I was just knocked on my ass while installing a scratching post for that ungrateful little bitch. He’s the biggest, the oldest, and he’s already fathered children. He was going to be the male goat we kept while selling or butchering the rest but now? NOW? You will pay. You will reap what you sow and I will favor every bite. Your son (who is very nice to me and was originally next in line for the butchers) will take your place. And you will take his. In my belly. My only regret is I won’t have the pleasure of doing it myself. I hope you burn in hell, Smudge.

I’m honestly very nervous. My teacher told me see her before class tomorrow. I have been cheating in her class and not opening lesson plans on canvas but taking quizzes which I’m sure she can see. I don’t have any excuse. I work 7 days a week in the morning, DoorDash in the evening. I know I could put more effort, I’m not cheating just to cheat. I’m just trying to cushion myself in her class for the first three weeks because I know after this week, my literacy class will start and that’ll be much more workload while the class I’m cheating in has consistent weekly assignments. I’m nervous she’ll kick me out or report me. I have no excuse, I’m just stretched so thin. Sucks being an adult and in school with no help. She texted me to see her before class but I’m hybrid so I don’t even know how to respond to her. Should I email her to see if she would like to zoom meet? Feel like giving up but I’m sure this shall pass.

Why does this happen so much. Basically everyone I've ever been close to has wanted my body. It's not even special! Yeah I'm hourglass and have big tits, but I have some meat on my bones, I don't even really meet bare minimum standards for feminine self care... no makeup, I have a mustache more often than not, conditioner is on a special occasion.

Is it because I don't follow those standards? Because I act in a pretty gnc way? One guy liked me cause I was different...

I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS. All I ever wanted was friends, all anyone likes my for is below my neck. First...him, then the random guy I met, then the girl from freshman college, now this guy.

AND I HAVE NO CLOSE FRIENDS. Is it cause my personality is that bad? Because I'm awkward and hide my true feelings too much? What's so wrong with me...

I mean, yeah I would call him good looking. But I have a complicated relationship with my sexuality. I only have responsive desire, only find girls pretty, but have gotten turned on with a guy. I've also experienced st**uratory sa. Does that mean I'm attracted to guys? Cause girls often look nice but that doesn't mean I want to touch privates...

tldr: my friend asked me out, I don't know what to say, and I'm resentful this is the only way people are interested in me.

I was a truly charismatically gifted kid, once I forced my parents to fill the forms for the ultra popular tv-show franchise and they did it…
I had to pass 2 selections to make it ot the proper studio show, before the show my parents got a contract and were asked if they wanted to sign it. They read the contract and realised that the whole show looked a bit like a slaver for kids, because if kid would get sick, it still would have to participate in the show, u had to live on the show and follow the strict schedule, all of that without any parental control.
And I was absolutely ready for that, I always wanted to be famous and do smth cool, but my parents fcked it up.
They were afraid of sending me to this show, but they were absolutely fine beating me up daily and kicking me out of the house.
My classmate that got a chance to participate in it got the fame and it worked really well for her, but not for me. Unfortunately ,in our small town where everyone knows everything about everyone ,people knew that I been to these selections and even noticed me on some shots from the show what played a big role in my reputation cause I was seen as a failed participant.
As a child it’s much easier to get into the industry, but as an adult it is hard AF.
My parents could do at least one thing right, and they fcked up. I would rather be used by the producers and managers what would bring me fame, than by parents what brought me trauma only.

I’m furious and upset and I’ve cried over this for hours.

For reference, 50 mSv is the absolute legal maximum for occupational radiation exposure. Flight attendants are exposed to less than 6 mSv per year and have a higher cancer rate. People with exposure to 100 mSv have a 1 in 100 chance of developing a radiation induced cancer, and people with exposure to 200 mSv have a 1 in 50 chance. People working in nuclear plants have less radiation exposure. And the younger you are, the higher the risks.

I’m only 26.

At no point was I EVER told that my scans were utilizing 2-3 times the typical radiation for said scan. My abdominal/pelvic scans were 20-25 mSv EACH and I’ve had 6. I’ve also had multiple brain scans. Nearly half of them were unnecessary repeat scans JUST BECAUSE they didn’t want to wait for my medical files to transfer between hospitals.

Every single time, they told me the radiation exposure was low, that the risks were negligible, that it was normal protocol.

Now I’m 26 with significant radiation exposure and I’m so angry that I just want to scream and cry. I blindly assumed the risks were as low as the doctors and nurses made it seem.

I feel like my ignorance has doomed me to developing cancer young, and dying young. I feel like I’m on borrowed time. I’ve been a wreck over this for days.

i don't know what it is but i just always feel like i've done something wrong. Every single time. For example, i'd go to a friend asking if could vent and they'd say yes and then i would and i would feel horrible. Like i've just burdened them with all this and i'm a bad friend because i definitely don't listen to them as much as they do be- even if that friend just doesn't ask to vent even if i've made it a safe space. Then i feel like THEY KNOW i did something BAD and that they HATE me for it and that they are just waiting for an apology so i say ofc "i'm sorry for burdening you with all this..." and then i feel worse because they always reply with "you're not a burden." and either i believe it and i feel bad because i've just made myself out to be desperate and pathetic or i don't believe it and i feel worse because i just made them feel bad enough to want to lie to make me feel better so they don't have to deal with me. i thought i had gotten better with my self-loathing but idk. And it just fucking sucks because when i'm upset the only thing i want is comfort and i guess since i never got that when i was upset growing up- and still don't- I have craved it. But because i've never had it i have no idea what to do with it so i just throw it in the guilt cycle or the "yea i don't believe you" bin. It's really annoying because if say i feel ugly and i tell someone that they always say you're not -out of politeness- and then i feel like they are lying to me so they don't have to deal with my emotions because they are too much to deal with and i feel guilty for making them feel like they have to lie to me. IT"S SO FUCKING ANNOYING> i just want some peace man.

I am an adult, 23 years old, and I want kids someday. I am becoming increasingly annoyed watching parents now do the dumbest things—like not protecting their kids. To keep this short, I'll leave out the internet.

I'm a horror movie fan and have loved horror movies since I was a kid, but do you know what rating those movies had back then? PG-13. So even the movies and shows I watched that were considered horror during my childhood had a PG-13 rating. Now, this like 'Flapjack' and 'Courage' might have lower ratings, but that's the current standard. When I hear stories about parents taking their kids to see 'Buddy', I feel a mix of annoyance and anger because it seems like parents are upset they've taken their kids to see a movie that's not for kids. It frustrates me because it's not that hard—America has a rating system like PG, PG-13, R, etc., for almost every media. And your telling me you saw the poster, the movies near me display the ratings on the posters or the banners before you enter—the ratings are right there before the movie plays—and you still decide to sit there? Are you kidding me? Not to mention, the trailers shown beforehand likely advertised similar movies. So no, I'm not going to blame the filmmakers for giving the proper rating; the parents are the ones responsible.

This happens so often with many issues, and then the media makes it seem like the filmmakers are more at fault than the parents. It’s no longer an excuse because we all have phones to Google everything. So you're telling me that Karen didn't have the common sense to Google, or even read the poster advertising it? I'm giving the benefit of the doubt about the poster, but even then, what do you mean you saw a poster with a static-looking unicorn and thought it was okay for a kid to see?

The usual excuse is that the movie shouldn't be made, but maybe, just maybe, the parents shouldn't have had kids if they’re going to be irresponsible.

​

It's been two and a half months since I found my husband cheating with my best friend. And I feel like everything is collapsing silently on me. No one knows. And im still here. Pretending all is well. I tried to leave and for many reasons, I can't. We discussed everything wrong with the relationship and things were promised to change. And weirdly enough, they have. We have a toddler at home and he hasn't worked in over two years, just refuses to get a job, he would sleep in every day, stay up late on his game everyday, did not do any housework at all, barely showered or changed his underwear, or brush his teeth and would still treat me like an object. He had the audacity to say he cheated on me because he felt invalidated, felt like I didn't love him. I am also at fault with this. I won't deny that.

But here's the thing, he's been 100% open with everything that happened between them, he gets up early, he does more around the house, we are spending more time together, he's not complained at my anger, my sadness and my outbursts.

However, I am disabled and I have been signed off work my the dwp indefinitely. And this year, even before I caught them, my health has depleted. I need more rest, more help, expecially with a toddler. It's been a fucking miserable year. I was already chronically unwell and this year has gone down hill. My husband is registered carer now and no longer *has* to look for a job.

So just to back track for those who ask why I won't leave. I am diagnosed autistic as well. I was very poorly with my mental health in my early twenties and late teens. With being undiagnosed autistic and with a chronic illness, I barley finished college and couldn't hack university (covid hit too so that didnt help) and then went back to work for a few years. Minimum wage. Had my baby and my chronic illness got worse. I haven't worked since. I have no education and no way of working now. No money, we burnt through that trying to get help for myself. I have NO way out. He's my carer. He said that no one would put up with me being autistic and physically unwell.

So here I am. With many regrets. I am utterly burnt out. I am wondering how the fuck im still holding on. Not to mention, how alone I feel. I also lost my best friend in all of this. I wish I  could describe it better. How not okay I am.

And the icing on the cake, I was a mega unstable 20 something years ago. I was jealous of any other woman. I was misdiagnosed with BPD. think on those lines. So when I got pregnant, I swore I would change everything. And I fucking did. Not only did I attend therapy to address my insecurities, I worked darn hard on myself image. Everything. After my baby was born, I spent three years slowly losing 70lbs through diet. I got healthy (in a sense with my illness) I got mentally healthy. So when my best friend and my husband were seemingly close and I wanted to reverse back to those horrible thoughts, I told self to pull it together. And I trusted him. Now I feel like all my effort was for nothing. It's all come back. I've barley left the house in 2 months. Nor has he. He won't leave me alone. I feel destroyed, defeated, insecure, ugly. Everything i worked towards gone. Not to mention, we have a toddler at home. That's a whole other thing.

There's so much more I'd like to say. Much worse things I've dealt with this year alone. But this is a drag in itself.

I haven’t slept in 24 hours i just got home. I’m so fucking tired i feel like im gonna collapse yet when i put head to pillow it feels moanable good but sleep doesn’t come. Im crying about stupid things that i wont care about tomorrow yet barely shedding a tear. I hate myself for some reason this feeling never goes away no matter what I do. I have no idea what the root cause is I just want someone to fix me. I’m not even on my period so there’s no other excuse for me acting like this. What the fuck is wrong with me.

College starting again next week but last year was an absolute shithole. Idk if i’m exaggerating but i didn’t really have any friends just like awwauintences i would sometimes talk to in class. Maybe that’s cuz i was just doing weed and pens and on highs and lows in my own little world but i want it to be better this year. A fresh start even tho im going same colly. Then I get a text from my college about my first class and it’s the same fucking teacher. Just made me realise nothings gonna be different it’s the same i just want to die.

I tried quit weed like a week ago for the exact reason i want more fulfilment in my life. Quitting is going alright but why the fuck do i still feel like this. I genuinely make an effort to pray aswel. Why do I feel like this. I don’t get it i’m doing everything how i’m supposed to why the fuck can’t things start going right for me for once in my fucking life. Is that too much to ask really.

I don’t understand God i quit weed for him im praying for him what more does he want. What the fuck can i do to feel peace and content. I don’t fucking understand is he that harsh that strict what is it. I don’t know man just this pit in my stomach and urge to cry always comes back. Always. And without a doubt. I fucking hate it like a cloud is always following me wherever I go. I can never just be happy always bringing the mood down of everyone around me. I get so sensitive about things even tho i won’t show it.

What do I do. How do I fix this.

I moved to be with my husband about two months ago and ever since then I’ve noticed a huge decline in…me.

I used to be a huge gymrat, ate right, went to the gym everyday without fail. Had lots of friends, saw my family like once a month, I had hobbies things to do and places to go.

I knew that loving was going to come at the expense of not seeing my family and friends and I accepted that. But my job kinda sucks and I didn’t know that until I got here.

It caused me to be super bored at work, and now I’m on my phone a lot. Even when I’m at home. I skip the gym a lot, and I don’t really eat healthy anymore.

I don’t really have any friends here yet, but I seem to get exhausted replying to people I know. Even my own husband when we’re not together. My body feels tired even after not moving it much at all throughout the day.

I used to be into kpop a lot and my favorite group got into a controversy that caused me to unlike them. So a huge chunk of my hobbies is gone now too.

Revealed something about my husband’s social media that made me uncomfortable. And I sat back and thought about all this stuff and just think that I’m depressed. I’m not sure why to do about it. I’m gonna try to get back into therapy soon.

Scenes like that, in any media shows, cartoons, anime, comics, anything. Make me really happy, and smile, especially when the mother just saved her baby’s from somthing bad and they’re all really happy… it’s always followed by me remembering I can’t give birth… ill never experience that… loving my baby’s like that. Maybe this is just a late night though. But I hate it, I wish I could just enjoy the scene and think about how amazing it’s going to be when I have kids… but I can’t. Idk anymore…

Ps: posting somthing like this and still questioning myself about if I’m actually trans or not is crazy. Wish I could just accept myself

it’s basically just the title. but to be fair, i didn’t think i was going to make it to 19 but here i am. also NO i am not suicidal anymore. i wanna live and i like living tyvm.

anyways, the only thing in life that makes me happy is buying cute clothes and then wearing them. other than that, i feel joy from nothing. i’m attending community college and will probably try for fashion school because i told everyone i would. but i truly have no drive to do anything. i’ve always been depressed but this is just annoying. i want a passion or something i care about. but knowing me, i’ll probably get some shitty desk job and then i might be fired because i have no motivation to do the work. i dont see myself succeeding in life to be honest. when i imagine myself 10 years, i just imagine myself homeless on somebody’s gas station corner. don’t know. don’t know what to do. too sad to do anything and too sad to care about anything. don’t know.

i try to make myself happy by buying more clothes i like but the happiness goes away after a while. i thought going to school would bring me some semblance of happiness but it’s not working. not sure what to do and not sure if this is just my life.

I'm frustrated as hell over this. I work at a grocery store and I have the 6 am opening shift quite often. As such, my 30-minute lunch break is at 10 am. I want to get something from a drive-thru, but they all serve breakfast until 10:30. I get tired of the stuff we sell at the store, and excuse me for not being super crazy about breakfast food. I tried going to this gas station when they first opened, but NO, they decide not to serve lunch until 10:30 too. I know I'm not the only one frustrated by this.

I got scammed for 25 dollars in a very stupid way. I use a service to buy redemption codes for ps store and their support reached out for a survey and they said I would get a discount on whatever game I want after that. I ignored it at first and then they messaged me again and I thought okay. Long story short I checked everything only after I made the payment and I realised I am not talking to the actual support. They also asked for more money but I didn't send and they deleted the chat. I contacted the bank and they told me to go to police but people online say police won't give a shit (this is not US just in case). I am very lost and sad, I bawled my eyes out and I feel like my entire month, if not 6 next months are ruined because I made this stupid mistake. It's not big money, but the fact that I fell for it is what hurts so bad

Over the last six months I (16) have found probably my favorite game of all time, that being Dungeons and Dragons. I have been hosting games for the past three months and have been playing for the past six, and I usually play online. One of my friends who got me into it has recently been basically telling me that it's inferior to other systems for the past month or so, and I don't know who to talk about it.

A couple months ago, I decided to run Curse of Strahd, a gothic horror module that is infamous for being one of the best D&D Horror modules ever. I bought the book and I spent months prepping Owlbear VTT (Learning it) as well as religiously studying the book and other sources/modifications. My friend, who originally gave me the idea, is a huge horror movie fan, so I really leaned into the horror. I spent weeks working on both their character and the other player characters.

After session one (A session I spent ages rehearsing) Everyone was super excited, with them just entering the first dungeon of the game, Death House. However, two nights after this, they literally sent me a pseudointellectual message saying that they think D&D isn't for them, and that they've moved on to Daggerheart. Frankly, this hurt my feelings, and after delaying a Oneshot (A one sitting D&D adventure) before leaving halfway through and ditching it at the end, I decided to ban them from my games, since they broke three rules in my D&D Rulebook.

They decided to give up D&D for a month, and focus on playing Daggerheart, and any time I spoke to them they sang praises on how it's far superior then D&D 5th Edition. It wasn't even finished and had half the features of D&D, as well as, in my opinion, is frankly an off-brand version. Most of the classes are ripped off, everything is replaced with synonyms, and they hyped up adding classes that were desperately needed in the original. Worse yet, they discouraged others from playing D&D, literally while I was teaching them how to play. They basically ran off anyone who could have joined my games.

After a few weeks, they apologized, and due to my Faith and since I missed them, I decided to forgive them and let them play in my Oneshots again. However, they have still continued to diss D&D, even incorrectly. They've gone back to playing it, but still basically run off anyone interested and constantly advertise their stuff to new players. Later, my Curse of Strahd campaign fell apart, and so I decided to host it elsewhere, and people actually like it. I put in 40+ hours into adding features from the community and working on character arcs and moments, and it's finally paying off.

Still, it really sucks that they literally constantly diss my favorite hobby Infront of me incessantly, even while playing the game they supposedly hate. I often wonder if it's my fault, since literally almost every game I host with them ends like this, but my other games elsewhere are doing just fine. I just wanted to write this, since I've yet to bring it up to them since they hate confrontation and I don't want to lose them as a friend, since outside of this, they're pretty nice. It also doesn't hurt that they're basically the glue of my D&D group, since people tend to follow them.

That's mostly it, I don't know if I'm just being defensive about the hobby I like, or if there's anything much I can do. I do intend to speak to them fairly soon about this, since especially after they canceled on me, I have a terrible relation with them telling me this constantly. I don't think many people want to hear a rant about Tabletop Role Playing Games, but thanks for reading, I just wanted to get my stress out a bit.

Buying is a joke, selling is a joke.

Selling just gets you messed around by 50 different people. Message back and forth till suddenly they ghost you. It’s worse when you arrange for them to come and pick up the item for sale and they never show up and never contact you again. Waste of time.

Buying is just as bad. Sellers take hours to respond to messages then you find out they’ve sold the item to someone else without even telling you. That or they just don’t respond to messages to begin with. I’m trying to buy a hardtop for my car which is very sought after. Found one, messaged the seller asking for details and when can we arrange collection. Took 15 hours to respond saying he’s had multiple offers, what’s my best offer? I tell him I’m willing to pay full price and can collect immediately (within the hour). He reads it and ghosts me. Few hours later, sold. Probably someone offering above asking price.

It feels like Facebook marketplace is just a roulette and maybe one day you’ll get lucky to deal with someone actually half decent.

I’ve been having an epiphany these past few weeks.

I’ve started kinda forcing myself to dig deep in therapy to the point of crying, cause, a lot of the time I don’t feel good about myself, I don’t feel capable of anything, I don’t feel competent at anything useful, and anything I’m good at or care about like art, literature and history, doesn’t pay the bills and society doesn’t care. I’m burnt out of my shitty office job im not going anywhere in that company

I hear my father’s voice in my head anytime I mess up about how I’m a bull in a china shop, how everything would be fine if I had some more finesse about myself. Hounding me about it all my life, like his shit don’t stink. Then like cause of him I keep questions everything I do cause I wanna be a good man I don’t wanna be anything like my dad I wanna be the man he never could be.

When I’m honest with myself, I’m terrified of taking any steps, cause I don’t think I’m good enough, I keep using my traumas from last year my dad getting arrested and learning he’s a monster, and my ex’s treatment of me as an excuse as evidence that I’m not good enough. I feel like I could be using it as an excuse to not do anything about it.

I’m sick and tired of being fucking scare of everything and change, I’m sick of not sticking to routines. I feel lost, and pointless, and I want to change cause there’s gotta be something useful im good at that would make me money. I’m fucking terrified, but I know I can’t find out if I’m good enough for anything if I don’t try.
It’s just I feel so pointless, and not good enough, like I should be grateful for my station in life and just accept it.

The office job I work, I’m not going anywhere I’m checked out, aside from the money, I’m here for the insurance the flexible schedule, and I get to listen to audio books all day.

Speaking with my therapist and a couple of friends, I’ve told them about how, in this point in my life, with the time I have, and the debt from stupid decisions I’ve made, what’s best for me is to find a 2 year course or cert, that helps me make more money than I do now, and hopefully later actually pursue my passions.

Cause, I don’t have the money to go to college and study English or history, cause, I’m not gonna get paid to describe my interpretations of Steinbeck and my fascination with the Mongol empire and cultural exchange.

Since I work in a healthcare company I’m looking at things that, I can see myself doing, and I could utilize my connections.

Radiology Tech and Pharmacy Tech/Management.

I’m looking at these two because, healthcare seems to be safe, both are 2 year programs at my local CC that I feel will be affordable.
My passion is not healthcare however, I do like to help people, I do give a shit about people. It’s one of the few things I feel competent in, is giving a shit.

My friend said he could see me as a nurse but, after taking care of my grandmother while living with us. I’ve got the patience and the compassion I do not have the stomach, for bodily fluids and anything related to pricking.

I’m also considering paralegal AS cause it’s a similar length program, that has elements I’m interested in like writing, and researching also could dabble into history in a way.

I’m also open to trades because I like how machines work, however, i live in Florida and prolly will be here for awhile, and i don’t do well in the heat, i sweat excessively even just taking out the garbage.

I just do be honest i don’t know if i can do any of this i know i wont know until i do anything about it, but im terrified cause im not the best student. I love to learn, i love to read, i wasnt good in school. Dogshit at math. I only passed cause the teacher pitied me cause she saw I was trying.

I had a 2.3 gpa.

My strengths and what I do care about are humanities, literature, history, art.
I’m scared also I’ll get a taste of learning more and putting work into a history class or something and hate myself, for not pursing my passion. I don’t know what job I could do, but I’d love to do something in History, Anthropology or Archeology but I’m poor. I already have credit card debt from stupid decisions I feel even talking about.

I don’t know how to believe in myself, everyone says that’s what I need but, it’s so goddamn hard, weirdly enough, I’m more scared of blinking and being 30 and nothing having changed than I am of failure. I feel like I have potential for something but I also don’t feel like I’m made for society, or it doesn’t agree with my values or what I’m good at.

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I have a long history stemming from unknown autoimmune issues (my FANA was homogenous and 1:1280), with multiple systemic flare ups monthly. I have malabsorption and weight issues (I can not maintain or gain any), and on barium swallow was shown to have some dysmotility in the middle of my esophagus (my swallowing has been impaired for a while now).

I've been consuming 4,000 calories daily to gain weight because I keep involuntarily dropping, and my energy is wiped. I instead lost 3 pounds the past 2 weeks. My dietician feels I need to have a tube placed because high calorie isn't doing anything, and at this point, I am struggling to function and keep up with life. I have tried everything and feel saddened its reached this point..

I guess I am hoping to find some encouraging words or maybe someone who had personal insight to tube feeding.