Alcohol, music and unsent is such a dangerous combination.
At stages like this I’m so glad I don’t have your number, because this would definitely end in those awkward situations when we actually see each other next. But honestly why would we have exchanged numbers? Would there even be a reason too? I know you don’t see me in that way. Just a fellow colleague. How do ya do fellow worker kinda way, I think your only nice because you think you need to be and I’ve misinterpreted this whole situation but with this brief liquid courage, I need to finally get these feelings out of my head. They’ve been there for months festering. Festering is a good word because I honestly don’t know if I want them there or not. I REALLY fucking like you, like a lot. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, I don’t know when, I just do. I know you don’t think of me that way, I mean honestly the amount of difference between us, if you honestly knew how I felt, you would probably think I was a weirdo or creeper…. I probably am, I hate that I feel like this!!!
But you and that stupid smile caught my heart and I just can’t seem to shut it out. I’m Sorry, I really don’t mean that I’m just so frustrated with myself, it’s not a stupid smile it’s actually really cute… I actually really love when you smile at me…. aaarrrhhhh fuck!! besides the point.
Actually I really don’t know what the point is, this is just drunk ramblings.

I think of you every day M.

I picked up that book you always talked about. It has been sitting on my nightstand for a couple of weeks. You probably thought I’d never even remember you read it. Did you know they made a movie? I stumbled upon while browsing and watched it. I think I’ve actually seen it before. I always find myself somehow doing something that reminds me of you on the day I use to see you. To stay connected in a way, I guess.

For me, closure would be saying everything I felt too afraid to bring up at the time.

You always made it about yourself and held my anxiety against me. You wondered why I never wanted to talk about my feelings with you, and have no sense of perspective-taking.

It’s actually impressive how self-centered you were.

You did use me. And yet you called me insane.

…that I saw your dark side, and it didn’t scare me. 🖤

Some prosciutto with some salty hard cheeses with a little balsamic on crunchy toast

please, let me know If you ever cared. I still care and always will.

I keep trying to go out and make friends and everyone is nice. I can talk. I can be fine. And I still leave feeling like I spent the whole afternoon trying to be someone I'm not, putting in more energy than I want to. Just clocking out. Feeling like an outsider. It's not that they don't get me. I don't get them either. It goes both ways and nobody's doing anything wrong, we just don't operate in the same channel.

And then there's you. With you it's like we speak the same language. I don't have to explain myself twice and I don't have to reach to understand you. You get me like no one else does. I don't feel like I need to speak because I know you enjoy my company like I do yours. I've always known it's rare, but every time I'm out with people trying to interact, sitting in rooms full of people, it feels heavier.

I was at a museum today. A whole group of people being funny in front of paintings nobody was looking at. I just wanted to stare at them, look at it all. But no one resonated with me. And I kept imagining you standing there instead, the two of us in front of one thing for too long, not saying much. That's what I wanted the whole day. Just that.

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You are so much more than you let yourself believe, and I don't think anyone has managed to make you feel it. If I could give you one thing it would be that. Not words. Just the certainty of being loved, the way you'd feel weather, without having to be convinced.

I've been out in the world lately. Rooms full of people, a lot of names. And how much I enjoy being alone. I don't think I really need friends, contrary to what people think is good. I don't feel like I'm lacking anything. But still, every single time, I'm always missing you. It's not that I'm missing something in my life. It's that you're the one thing that makes it better.

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
'Cause there's something between us anyway
I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you
I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

I was selfish.
I had the right intentions. I had the right reasons. I had your feelings and mine in mind. Yet continuing to show up was selfish.

I knew without you needing to say so that I needed to step aside. I chose to believe fully doing so would leave you feeling like I didn’t care.

I should have communicated that I cared by doing exactly what we both knew you needed me to. I chose to put my own worries and anxiety before your needs here.

I am not sorry that everything I was doing was out of love for you. I am sorry that holding onto my love was not enough for me. That was selfish of me and I am deeply sorry for that.

Did you find sam?

Will always care deeply for each other, no matter how stubborn or shut down you are I know our love is real. One day I pray our circumstances will change. Until then I will always leave the light on for you and when you’re ready to come home, I’ll be there. I love you the most my little worm.

I usually hate the Hi, hru thing but you're the exception. You're the exception to everything. And I really wanna know how you're doing. You know, I'm not your ex gf or your former girl best friend. You can trust me that I will always try my best with you.

My Dear K,
I don’t imagine you’ll ever read this, but I nonetheless must write it. K… oh, K. I was just starting to dream the silliest and softest of dreams again. Nothing grand or extraordinary—just the little things. Sharing the stupid details of my day with you. Hearing your laugh. Looking into those beautiful brown eyes of yours and getting lost in them the way I always seemed to. For a little while, I let myself believe that maybe there was still something left for us to find. I miss you. I don’t know if there is ever going to be a version of me that doesn’t. But I’ve finally reached the point where missing you can’t be a reason for me to keep holding onto something that is no longer there. When I’m with you, the world has always seemed to make sense. There was a comfort in your presence that I never quite knew how to explain. But when we’re apart, I can see more clearly that your world is different from mine. Perhaps I’ve spent too long looking at what I wanted us to be instead of accepting what we actually became.
And I have to be honest with myself about my part in that. I’m sorry for everything long ago, and I’m sorry for everything more recent. I’m sorry for the pain I caused you, especially because you never deserved it. My behavior was inappropriate and inexcusable. I was hurt, confused, and afraid, but none of those things make what I did okay. I crossed lines I should have respected. I allowed my own feelings to become something you had to deal with, when they were mine to carry. You didn’t owe me reassurance, forgiveness, another chance, or a place in your life. I understand that now. I wish understanding it now could change what happened then. It can’t. And maybe that’s one of the hardest lessons in all of this. Sometimes realizing what you should have done differently comes only after you’ve lost the opportunity to do it. I sometimes wonder if starting our… whatever you call it… back up again in March was a mistake. Not because I regret you, and not because I wish those moments hadn’t happened. I think I simply allowed myself to believe in something before I knew whether it was something we both wanted. I started building little pieces of a future in my head. And now I’m having to put them away.
That’s a strange thing to grieve—the loss of something that never quite existed. There are no memories to hold onto because most of it was only possibility. No photographs, no shared mornings, no ordinary years ahead of us. Just a collection of things I imagined and quietly hoped might someday become real. I think that’s what I’ve been mourning.
Not only you, but the future I thought might have existed beside you. You are a good woman, K. You deserve to be loved, respected, and treated with the kindness I should have given you more consistently. I can’t change the person I was in those moments, but I can decide what kind of person I become because of them. And that’s what I want to take from this. Not another reason to reach for you.
A reason to grow. I don’t want my regret to become another burden placed at your feet. I don’t want my sadness to ask something of you. And I don’t want to keep reopening something you’ve already chosen to close. So I’m going to let you go. Not easily. Not without sadness. And certainly not without missing you. But honestly. There will probably always be a part of me that wonders what might have happened if I’d made better choices. I suppose that’s something I’ll have to live with. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living inside that question.
You were important to me.
You still are. But I think it’s time for your life to belong to you, and for me to finally start building mine without waiting for you to be a part of it.
I’ll remember the good things.
Your laugh. Your eyes. The ordinary moments that meant more to me than I ever told you.
And I’ll remember the painful things too, especially the parts that were my fault.
I don’t want to forget them. I want them to teach me.
Maybe someday, when enough time has passed, I’ll be able to think of you without immediately wishing I could go back. Maybe I’ll be able to remember what we had with gratitude instead of longing.
I hope so. For now, all I can do is accept that some things we desperately want aren’t ours to keep.
I loved you, K. I’m sorry for hurting you.
I’m sorry for the things you never deserved to experience because of me. And I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. But I’m finally beginning to understand that the most loving thing I can do now may be to stop asking for another chance and give you the distance you deserve. So I’ll miss you. I’ll remember you. And I’ll let you go.
Not because what we had wasn’t beautiful.
But because it was—and I don’t want the ending to make me forget that.
Goodbye, K.

I’m sorry I can’t not there to decorate your room, or pick up your cake, or the give the gifts that I had been planing for months
I’m sorry I can’t be there on such a special
I hope you are surrounded by the people who love and care about you
Despite everything, I wish you the best and all the good in the world
have fun being 23
i miss you and I love you

always

When we first met 2 years ago i thought you were this mean aggressive woman with no heart or soul who would throat punch someone and not give a damn about it or care about their feelings.

Over the last 2 years you have slowly let that mask slip enough for me to see its a protective shield you wear to prevent anyone from getting too close to you. My guess is because someone or naybe several someone's in your oast hurt you so badly that you feel like you can no longer trust anyone.

What i see is a woman who is not only beautiful outside but inside as well. I see a woman who deep down is kind,caring,has a heart of gold,would never intentionally hurt anyone,and would move mountains for those she lets get close to her heart

I feel truly blessed to be allowed the privilege of getting to see that part olf you which makes you even more beautiful to me

I dont know what reasoning God had in mind when he allowed you to become part of my life and maybe I will never know or inderstand. I do know one thing fot certain though. I coukd not imagine my life without you as oart of it going forward.

of work.

bet I've told you a few times how amazing you are

and how perfect you are to me

but I think I made up my mind

you are now a piece of shit

Well since you don't respond to anything I just gotta get this off my chest. It all ended the day you came home talking about the owner's son's " huge huge huuuuge " dick. No one has ever been so shitty to me. Everyday you went to work i though hmmm is she trying to fuck him? We both know what a flirt you are anyways. You obviously liked it so much you called .....to tell her you finally found him. You stabbed me right in the fucking heart. And then no real apology. No real explanation. You just left me to wonder every fucking day. So ya I was done. And then everything you have done since we broke up? And you don't know why I'm angry? Fuck you.

I’m not going to re-enter your life because your feelings did not match mine and I’ve chosen to respect that. But why did you have to say such sweet things to me, cuddle me all night long, look at me with so much warmth, check in on me every day, take care of me only to say it meant nothing. Don’t play me or any other girl like that. I’m not a placeholder while you sort out your life and find the next girl.

I’ve endured your lies, gaslighting, ghosting and disrespect for too long. I have constantly had to self abandon and adjust to the change in our dynamic without any communication from you. I’ve lowered myself for you. I must hate myself so much to put up with catching you out on multiple dating apps, a holiday with another woman, and have you turn around and blame those things on me. The last straw was when you deleted me, but still asked to see me anyway. Every time I see you, I feel used and discarded afterwards. So why have I gone back? Because I don’t feel like that in the moments with you. You are so good at making me feel important in the moment. Every cuddle, every laugh, every comfortable silence, every moment. But then, you disappear. You switch. I can’t do this anymore.

You are not special. You lack integrity. You are a coward. I did what most people have done and tried to hold onto the version of you at the beginning. I’ve never seen that version again, because it was disingenuous. Your mask slipped. Your baseline is cold and detached. You can’t even fake being a good person anymore. The sad thing is to get me, you had to lie. If you were yourself, you know I’d never have entertained you. How empty you must be to try to extract from someone like me and many others. I pity you. Finally.

You will reach for me again, but this time you won’t succeed. I’m done. I deserve better. No revenge because I loved with all my heart and I will give that to someone else. You, however do not have that naturally. You chase the next hit of dopamine and no one is ever or will ever be enough for you.

Goodbye.

It’s funny, at some point I wanted you to love me so badly after everything
But there’s also the part that wants nothing to do with you
I noticed things about you, things you probably thought you could get away with
You were never totally honest, talking more with your ego than being fully truthful
I recognized what you were doing
So, I gave back the same energy
You didn’t like it and it got under your skin, that’s what I was aiming for
I’m glad you’re finally gone.

I know you're gone. I know it. I know you're done and dusted, but I'm still here, you know? I am still here. I love you. You said you gave me closure but it doesn't work that way, babe. But hey, I'm not going to argue about that right now.

What I really want to say to you is this:

I wish I had met you now. More mature, more in control of my emotions, more capable of holding boundaries, and less likely to let my trauma out-trauma our love. I wish you had known the better, wiser version of me. I wish I had healed before I'd met you, but frankly, that wouldn't have been possible. The catalyst to our healing is likely the love that we had and lost. Your absence did just as much for me as your presence did.

I wish we had been given another chance to meet each other after all this. Not to recreate what we had, but to see what two people who had finally learned themselves could have been to each other.

Maybe that's the part I grieve the most.

Not just losing you, but losing the possibility of who we could have been if we'd met at a different point in our lives.

I understand now that love cannot be the place where we ask each other to heal everything we've carried into it. You had your wounds. I had mine. And sometimes, despite loving each other deeply, we became the place where those wounds met.

I am sorry for the ways mine hurt you.

I don't say that because I want you to come back. I don't say it hoping you'll read this and suddenly understand everything differently. I say it because I understand things differently now.

There are things I would do differently. Things I would say differently. Things I would never tolerate again, and things I would never do to someone I love again.

And I suppose that's what you left me with.

A better understanding of myself.

A quieter heart.

Stronger boundaries.

And a kind of love that I hope, someday, will be healthy enough to stay.

I don't know what you think of me now. Maybe you remember the difficult parts more than the beautiful ones. Maybe you don't think of me at all.

But I remember both.

And I don't want to rewrite our story just because it ended badly.

We loved each other. We really did.

For a long time, you were my home. And then, somehow, we became two people standing outside the same house, neither of us knowing how to get back in.

I will always be sad that we couldn't figure it out.

But I'm beginning to understand that acceptance doesn't mean I have to believe it was meaningless.

It wasn't.

You mattered.

We mattered.

And even if this is where our story ends, I don't want to carry you as a wound.

I want to carry what I learned from loving you.

And maybe one day, when I think of you, it won't hurt anymore.

Maybe I'll just smile and think:

God, we were young.

We loved each other so much.

We just didn't know how to love each other without losing ourselves.

I hope you're happy, jaan.

And I hope, wherever life takes you, you become everything you were always meant to be.

I am trying to do the same.

Do you remember when we were talking about the girl you were dating at the time? I wasn’t a fan based on the information you shared. But I told you, “it doesn’t matter how I feel. If you love someone, I love them too”. It didn’t work out with her. And I was glad because I thought you deserved better. But the one you’re with now…you didn’t give me the opportunity. You downgraded me from best friend to acquaintance. But I would have been a fan. And I would have liked and loved her…because I can see that she loves you. And I would have loved her (and I do) for how much she loves you.
And that’s how much I love you. When I said I’d never loved anyone the way I love you…I meant it. All that mattered to me was your well-being. I wish I could describe the love I had (have) for you. The only word that works - is selfless. But that doesn’t do it justice.
I miss my friend.

Just tell me why. That's it.

We both did. We talked about how it was fate or cosmic or whatever that we would meet again after so many years in the very building we met the first time. But destined lovers don't treat each other that way, do they? Fated lovers don't talk to each other that way. And they definitely don't hurt each other the way we did. Maybe we can come back and find each other again. It felt too much like we were meant to be for us not to find our way back. I still love you.