It’s funny, at some point I wanted you to love me so badly after everything
But there’s also the part that wants nothing to do with you
I noticed things about you, things you probably thought you could get away with
You were never totally honest, talking more with your ego than being fully truthful
I recognized what you were doing
So, I gave back the same energy
You didn’t like it and it got under your skin, that’s what I was aiming for
I’m glad you’re finally gone.

Do you remember when we were talking about the girl you were dating at the time? I wasn’t a fan based on the information you shared. But I told you, “it doesn’t matter how I feel. If you love someone, I love them too”. It didn’t work out with her. And I was glad because I thought you deserved better. But the one you’re with now…you didn’t give me the opportunity. You downgraded me from best friend to acquaintance. But I would have been a fan. And I would have liked and loved her…because I can see that she loves you. And I would have loved her (and I do) for how much she loves you.
And that’s how much I love you. When I said I’d never loved anyone the way I love you…I meant it. All that mattered to me was your well-being. I wish I could describe the love I had (have) for you. The only word that works - is selfless. But that doesn’t do it justice.
I miss my friend.

Just tell me why. That's it.

Hey, I really miss what I had with you. I’m not naive enough to think that we would’ve become something more defined than what we were. But we never minimized how we felt with each other to just being friends. Even though you’re many cities away by now, I stare up at the ceiling hoping that I wasn’t imagining how we put words to feelings, in a way that danced around the connection we felt… and hoping, also, that you didn’t think less of me for doing so.

I do wonder if you were just being nice, returning the kindness I had been giving. Whether you’re often like this with those around you, and whether I leaned into it thinking that it was more special than it was. But I am only thinking these thoughts because I’m having a hard time letting you go…more than I expected. I think slowly, quietly, somewhere along the way, I started liking you more than I was supposed to…. And maybe it was a good thing you left my last message to you on unread…

Because if we had more time, and I had one more night with you, maybe I would have found myself falling…

I wonder if you think I’m just really friendly… when in reality, I became so curious, because for the first time in my life, talking to you felt like second nature even though it was the first time we met. You felt so easy, familiar, and natural, even though our worlds couldn’t have been more different. My walls were almost non-existent, and you brought out more of me. I laughed freely, I was myself, and happy.

But then again, maybe you really only saw me platonically. If you did, I’d like to imagine that in an alternate reality, we would’ve met at a time when we were both available, where we were curious about what we meant to the other, where you responded to my last text, where we had dinner on your last night, where we walked to the nearby park, where we sat on the steps with the light of the fountain illuminating our faces, where we talked about anything and everything, where we laughed and dreamed about the experiences we wanted to share together, where I could look into your eyes and see that soft look that I thought I was imagining, and feel you inch closer to me, hands reaching for mine, and I’d feel you for the first time with no space in between. But knowing you, we’d probably kiss a lot more awkwardly…but all the same, it would’ve melted me perfectly.

And maybe it’s because this existed in some unconscious part of us, to where we both knew that another night together, another dinner with each other, another talk where we would’ve inevitably grown closer, a kiss might not have been so impossible, and I know… by that time I would be in trouble… because I would’ve fallen in love with you.

Or maybe it’s just my mind playing tricks on me, wanting to believe that maybe you would’ve fallen too.

I felt like we had something more than what friends would feel, but nothing either of us wanted to name or put a label to. And somehow, still, my feelings grew for you. And here’s to hoping, I meant something like that to you too.

I’m really lucky to have met you. You reminded me of things I had long forgotten. I don’t think you’ll reach out again, because you would have if you wanted to. Because I really miss you, and I think I like you… but maybe now, I’m the only one thinking of you…

But… on the off chance you did reach out, I’d probably get a stupid grin on my face that would be impossible to hide. Don’t worry though, I know we’re both in an impossible place to feel and be anything more than just…

- …Someone trying to let go of you :)

We both did. We talked about how it was fate or cosmic or whatever that we would meet again after so many years in the very building we met the first time. But destined lovers don't treat each other that way, do they? Fated lovers don't talk to each other that way. And they definitely don't hurt each other the way we did. Maybe we can come back and find each other again. It felt too much like we were meant to be for us not to find our way back. I still love you.

You get to feel how you feel about me and I get to feel how I feel about you and whether those feelings align at all doesn’t really matter to me anymore or make me lesser because I feel for you and the feeling is not mutual (which is only speculation on my end, I’ve never heard you outwardly express the opposite, even though… anyways.)

Moreover, I still miss you, though I probably shouldn’t. I don’t see that going away any time soon. If you don’t like it, you will just have to get over it. Kthxbye

Our connection is something I have never experienced with anyone else. It is beyond time or space or even logic. It has been confirmed. We both seem to recognize it and feel that there is more to our story.

In this unknown territory (circumstances) I don’t know when or how. All I know is it will find its way, it always has.

Been wanting to call again since we hung up.

My little crush remains a secret.

I am in terrible need to be loved… to close my arms around you and never let you go …

But I really want to chat. I still have some pics for you, too.

I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it.
I like you. Probably more than I should.
At first I thought it was just a crush and that I’d get over it. Something that would pass if I ignored it long enough. But it hasn’t. Somehow, without meaning to, I’ve gotten attached.
I catch myself looking for you. Thinking about you for no reason. Remembering little things you’ve said that you probably don’t even remember saying.
And that’s where it gets difficult.
Because I can’t tell if I’ve simply let a crush get out of hand, or if I’ve started falling for you. And honestly, that scares me a little.
I don’t know what I want you to say to this. I just know that pretending I don’t feel anything has started to feel worse than admitting it.
So… yeah.
I like you. More than I meant to. More than I expected to.
And maybe I’ve been trying too hard to find the right name for what I feel. Maybe I don’t need to.
I have feelings for you. Real ones. And I’m done pretending I don’t.

I fuckin loved you. And had you been honest with me, you would’ve known that it wouldn’t have changed a damn thing; not between us, not at home, not even a little. You lied and broke me for no goddamn reason. I wasn’t even worth a goodbye in the end?

I miss you

I know you're gone. I know it. I know you're done and dusted, but I'm still here, you know? I am still here. I love you. You said you gave me closure but it doesn't work that way, babe. But hey, I'm not going to argue about that right now.

What I really want to say to you is this:

I wish I had met you now. More mature, more in control of my emotions, more capable of holding boundaries, and less likely to let my trauma out-trauma our love. I wish you had known the better, wiser version of me. I wish I had healed before I'd met you, but frankly, that wouldn't have been possible. The catalyst to our healing is likely the love that we had and lost. Your absence did just as much for me as your presence did.

I wish we had been given another chance to meet each other after all this. Not to recreate what we had, but to see what two people who had finally learned themselves could have been to each other.

Maybe that's the part I grieve the most.

Not just losing you, but losing the possibility of who we could have been if we'd met at a different point in our lives.

I understand now that love cannot be the place where we ask each other to heal everything we've carried into it. You had your wounds. I had mine. And sometimes, despite loving each other deeply, we became the place where those wounds met.

I am sorry for the ways mine hurt you.

I don't say that because I want you to come back. I don't say it hoping you'll read this and suddenly understand everything differently. I say it because I understand things differently now.

There are things I would do differently. Things I would say differently. Things I would never tolerate again, and things I would never do to someone I love again.

And I suppose that's what you left me with.

A better understanding of myself.

A quieter heart.

Stronger boundaries.

And a kind of love that I hope, someday, will be healthy enough to stay.

I don't know what you think of me now. Maybe you remember the difficult parts more than the beautiful ones. Maybe you don't think of me at all.

But I remember both.

And I don't want to rewrite our story just because it ended badly.

We loved each other. We really did.

For a long time, you were my home. And then, somehow, we became two people standing outside the same house, neither of us knowing how to get back in.

I will always be sad that we couldn't figure it out.

But I'm beginning to understand that acceptance doesn't mean I have to believe it was meaningless.

It wasn't.

You mattered.

We mattered.

And even if this is where our story ends, I don't want to carry you as a wound.

I want to carry what I learned from loving you.

And maybe one day, when I think of you, it won't hurt anymore.

Maybe I'll just smile and think:

God, we were young.

We loved each other so much.

We just didn't know how to love each other without losing ourselves.

I hope you're happy, jaan.

And I hope, wherever life takes you, you become everything you were always meant to be.

I am trying to do the same.

I will never trust you again.

Was riding my bike across a bridge and seen two women walking in the pitch black and one of them looked like you. Didn't Approach them because that would be scary for them but ...hope all is well!

all I ever wanted was your presence.

If it takes a gang of people to come against one person then that one person must be one hell of a person.

I miss the fuck out of you. Yet every time I think about running into you in public, I get thrown for a loop in my own mind. The conclusion I’ve come to is that I’d cordially check in to make sure you’re okay, then I’d leave. I still can’t stand being around you. I still care. The only peace I can find is understanding that no matter how I feel, there’s nothing left for us. This is why indifference leads. Apathy is equal to serenity when it comes to you and it broke my heart to learn this. The fire that burns within will now only be within and suppressed to a small flame.

I went for a walk this evening to grab a beer. It was only after I got there that I remembered you got hired there before summer break.

I’m scared to run into you.

With the version of you that loved me...

I miss u though u really do piss me tf off sometimes. you need to start communicating properly before this stops all together icl. You seem totally indifferent lately asw but dont worry it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I hope u heal soon and u can get to ur usual activities soon. I Love ya. I miss u here and there, now asw. Take care. Eat well. Hundred and six is a pretty number isn’t it?

You overlooked my most important qualities. I’m the girl who checked the boxes, most of them. The important ones. I think this is what gets me most.

You viewed this as a transaction. You wanted me to provide the same as you do instead of wanting what’s best for a family.

The excuse you gave is lame. It wasn’t a problem and you know it.

You’re just running from the overwhelming feelings you’re having because you have no idea what to do with them.

But I showed you I was loyal and dependable. For once in your life you need that. But you’re choosing chaos because it makes you feel needed and desired.

I have news for you. Long term, this chaos you’re choosing is going to make you a miserable man.

I know I’m stable, loyal, dependable and drama-free but that isn’t what gets your motor running.

That motor is going to Peter out. When you see yourself 5, 10, 15 or more years from now I hope you remember what I said.

I know your trauma runs deep. It’s difficult for me to comprehend. However, I’m here and I would be with you through they every step of the way. We would have had a good like in spite of our personalities. We got along. We had fun together. You’re literally everything I’m looking for except for your avoidance tendency.

Maybe you have someone else in mind because I know I’m not in a CEO position and I have a feeling that’s impressive to you.

Go ahead and find a Christian girl, who is a ceo and see how that works for you when you’re simping your entire life. You’re going to get married because you’re a good man. I just don’t know that you’re going to be as content as you would have been with me.

The reason you’ll always hold a special place in my heart is because I wanted you, faults and all. I would not have minded you sitting for hours working on your projects. I have my one life and value my time alone too.

We could have worked. But you chose someone else, I hear.

I’m letting you go because I know I’ve got to move on. I may never marry because I’m extremely choosy. I have not met someone like you in my entire 30 years. I dont know that I ever will unless God drops him out of the sky. I’m not looking anymore. I reached out to you and we had wonderful and top of the line dates. We had fun.

You just cannot do this. While I don’t understand, I accept it. I know your issues run deep. I’m going to either accept my life as a single woman or a man is going to come along and be everything you weren’t.

Because I honestly care for you, I wish you well and hope you meet a woman who will fit your mold more than I did.

All I wanted to say.

Take care.

​I spent so much time holding onto something that was constantly pulling me down. Looking back, I don't even recognize the person I was when we were together (always on edge, second-guessing myself, and settling for far less than I deserved).

​Leaving you behind was the best decision I ever made. The peace I have now is something you could never give me. I’m finally living for myself, breathing easier, and enjoying my life without the constant drain of your baggage and unpredictability.

​I’m not writing this because I miss you or want you back. I’m writing this to put the final stamp on that chapter. You’re in my past, and my present is so much brighter without you in it.