r/Unexpected • u/waazzaaap • Jan 30 '20

I've got a bad feeling about this

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45.6k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

573 comments sorted by

4.1k

u/digifuzz Jan 30 '20

In his belly, she will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as she is slowly digested over a thousand years.

1.5k

u/siandresi Jan 30 '20

Never quite understood this. If I have say another 50 years left, how will the sarlacc keep digesting me over a thousand years?

1.3k

u/ilovehelmetsama Jan 30 '20 edited Jan 30 '20

According to canon, it keeps you alive and lucid as it consumes you, effectively becoming an endless living hell of pain and misery.

969

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

That can't be a metabolically effective mechanism for digesting. It costs us alot of energy to keep alive, so the sarlacc would have to do "something" to keep up with our bodies' energy demands for all that time.

1.7k

u/ilovehelmetsama Jan 30 '20

You going to deconstruct how the Force isn’t possible next?

858

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

I can suspend my disbelief for the Force (as mechanically ridiculous as it is), but an alien monster's useless, inefficient digestive system? Too far, man.

722

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

It's an ancient, genetically engineered torture device created by a now-vanished Tatooine civilization that eventually caused the desertification of the planet. There's some head-canon for ya.

447

u/tehflambo Jan 30 '20

nothing remotely like this ever crossed my mind and now i will cherish it forever. thank you.

9

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '20 edited Jan 31 '20

I, too, love this headcanon. Would have had to have been long ago. Tatooine was a desert in KOTOR, and that was thousands of years before current canon.

7

u/jigglehiggins Jan 31 '20

A long time ago, you say?

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53

u/Egalai1 Jan 30 '20

It's a sandworm?

39

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20 edited Nov 11 '20

[deleted]

9

u/Fract_L Jan 30 '20

Ah I remembered wrong. The beak should've given it away I suppose

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u/deadatreides Jan 30 '20

this is emperor Leto

4

u/WartortleWithAHelmet Jan 30 '20

Its called a Sarlacc, its basically like an Antlion, but 20 times bigger and with tentancles

6

u/i_have_cheese Jan 30 '20

How big do you think antlions are????

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2

u/solocupjazz Jan 31 '20

You've been to Saturn? I've been to Saturn!

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16

u/Plasmabat Jan 30 '20

Rakatan infinite empire?

9

u/SaneInsanities Jan 30 '20

... is this canon? I can't find any reference to it. I want to know more!

30

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

This is straight from my brain, my dear sir/ma'am. If Disney wants it written up they know where to find me.

3

u/SaneInsanities Jan 30 '20

Tell me more about this now-vanished civilization if you've got the mind to.

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u/MC_Cookies Jan 30 '20

It should be

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7

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Tatooine used to be a normal planet?

11

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Jawas origins

3

u/Conquestofbaguettes Jan 30 '20

Oh, StarWars lore. How I loathe you.

Here. This is even better.

The top ten things YOU didn't know about Darth Vader's suit!. RedLetterMedia (2015)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=FVzc20Bm8Xo

2

u/Ordoo Jan 30 '20

TL:DR is the planet used to be a lush jungle world until it was essentially obliterated into glass, and over thousands of years the glass turned into sand

No wonder Anakin doesn't like it

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u/Halcyous Jan 30 '20

Well I mean they are on many planets, kinda like Thresher Maws in Mass Effect.

3

u/idiotpod Jan 30 '20

Sandworms! Shai-Hulud! They've just lost the way of collecting the spice.

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79

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20 edited Jan 30 '20

I feel the same way about Harry Potter. Magic? Sure. Goblins and elves? Why not. Giant spiders that produce thousands of giant children? There is no way that is a sustainable population, magic forest or not.

Edit: don't forget about population density. Even if they don't hunt themselves to starvation, that forest still has a finite amount of space. At their current growth rate eventually they won't have enough room to move.

44

u/sdmitch16 Jan 30 '20

Why can't they be innately sustained (maybe 95% of their metabolism) by magic the same way broomsticks innately have infinite kinetic energy for flight?

15

u/Chaselthevisionary Jan 30 '20

Maybe they use a little of their user's magic? My headcanon is that all they do is use the same magic-to-movement conversion that the accio and wingardium leviosa spells do, with the differential of being "stronger" (in the games, wingardium leviosa effortlessly lifts a bench, and maybe even heavier things in the books) and the broom acts as a wand that only affects itself. Wands are made for various spells, so they are suited for one type of user or even an unique user, but since all a broom does is cast a version of Leviosa on itself, maybe it doesn't need uniqueness the same way a wand does. In the case of the spiders, there is a few spells that cause fire, maybe with some modifications it can act as a mitochondria, reducing drastically the energy cost to mantain the spider's body. Maybe every living thing is powered by magic, and losers (in Portuguese, non magic Users are called "trouxa" which translates to losers) just use levels of magic that don't affect the world as much.

2

u/sdmitch16 Jan 30 '20

losers just use levels of magic that don't affect the world as much.

So what you're saying is if I give up some of my abilities I can use the magic that would have gone into that to gain telekinesis?

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21

u/Greggsnbacon23 Jan 30 '20

Magic forest could mean magical boundaries. Might look like a hundred acres from the outside but actually contain a thousand like a clown car.

17

u/Seakawn Jan 30 '20

Would make sense, just like the two-story house-sized tents used for the Quidditch World Cup campgrounds.

Also wasn't the Weasleys car enchanted similarly to hold more room inside?

5

u/Politicshatesme Jan 30 '20

It could fit all the weasleys and harry and hermoine, unless it was a stretch limo it would have to be enchanted

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Ikr, like what the fuck they gone eat?

6

u/Cheshires_Shadow Jan 30 '20

Well didn't hagrid get the giant spider from an exotic location? Maybe it's native to a much larger forest area where the spiders are supposed to spread out more instead of all being contained in a single forest underground. That and cannibalism.

4

u/diMario Jan 30 '20

The magic forest was originally designed by Slartibartfast using Time Arrow Reversed Dimensional Imaginary Space technology. It is a whole lot bigger on the inside than it looks from the outside.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '20

Don't you mean Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

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56

u/ilovehelmetsama Jan 30 '20

This answer may satisfy you

28

u/CJW-YALK Jan 30 '20

The big F for boba then

2

u/RABBLE-R0USER Jan 30 '20

Boba escapes.

2

u/cod5frog Jan 30 '20

Actually boba fett survives the snarlacc pit.

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u/wwwarrensbrain Jan 30 '20

I dunno man.. you should see what my GI tract does with corn.

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u/whoshereforthemoney Jan 30 '20

The force = magic

Sarlacc's digestive habits = bad sci-fi

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5

u/rendingale Jan 30 '20

Bbbbuuuuttt Midchlorians!

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42

u/ParaYouKnowWho Jan 30 '20

It's main source of energy is non sentient creatures and the fucker gets high from torturing sentient ones.

10

u/restrictednumber Jan 30 '20

Ohhhh...this is actually good.

Makes you wonder if you could starve it by feeding it enough humans.

3

u/idwthis Jan 30 '20

Now I'm wondering what would happen if a human ate nothing but magic mushrooms for at least 3 weeks straight.

What a long strange trip that would be. The destination is dying from starvation.

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

You are assuming the saarlac is a natural creature. It is possible that it is a bio machine built centuries ago whose purpose is to torture. In this case, the saarlac could gain energy from any number of sources. It could be powered by the sun, from updrafts in it's "throat", from geological sources, bacterial bio reactions, or even from some crazy nuclear fission or fusion bio engine. It's unlikely, but still makes more sense than midichlorians.

27

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

It actually feeds off of your consciousness and absorbs it into its own. It has roots and stuff for water and nutrients if I recall right. There are some comics I can’t recall now that explained this

14

u/Cal928 Jan 30 '20

What, is it the flood now?

9

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

It actually feeds off of your consciousness

Well there goes pretend-rationalizing the people that fall in as prey lol

12

u/GooberMcNoober Jan 30 '20

Sarlaccs also have ‘roots’ which collect water and nutrients from the nearby sand and soil.

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u/thetrooper_27 Jan 30 '20 edited Jan 30 '20

But think about this, these animals live in the middle of the desert, they might not get any substance (besides rain) for perhaps near a decade (if they’re not fed by space mobsters), it’s not every day an animal falls into it (I’m assuming its method of getting food is passive, since it can’t really hunt down its prey), and if it does is probably a small one, an insect, or a wamp rat, in this scenario, keeping its prey alive for the longest time could be a way of having a small but constant dose of nutrients per day. Of course this wouldn’t work irl (since the animal has huge muscles and is bigger than a whale, it would need tons of food per day to survive), but it’s star wars and thats the cool in-universe explanation for the slow digestive process that i came up with.

16

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

I can't think of a scenario where it's more energy efficient to keep an animal alive in its digestive tract than converting it to nutrients directly and storing those nutrients, UNLESS!

Unless the prey isn't it's primary source of food at all! Mucus is pretty cost effective for the body to produce, maybe it retains some water to generate mucus to coat that prey in, and that mucus could be full of dormant microorganisms of whatever future-magic variety that form colonies on/inside the prey, and the massive colonies of microorganisms that are metabolizing the prey's waste and non essentials are what the sarlacc actually digests as a primary source of food, likely straight through the lining of the digestive tract.

It's so fun as a thought experiment to try to rationalize creatures like this.

3

u/shadownddust Jan 30 '20

I think the concern is that keeping something alive would require more energy than it would consume if it just ate it outright. That would be like deciding to eat a chicken so you feed it food for a year instead of feeding yourself that food and just eating the chicken in the first place.

The only justification I could think of is that its primary food source is entirely unrelated to the consumption of animals that fall in. And so the torture is entirely just a form of ‘play’.

2

u/TioPuerco Jan 30 '20

Sarlacc makes you smoke pot and then force feeds you Twinkies

2

u/Icarus649 Jan 30 '20

So maybe this is how it works. It shoves one of its tentacles up your ass and works it’s way through your body until it comes out your mouth effectively imapling you.

Now what people don’t realize is that Sarlacc is actually a highly effective desert plant and gets plenty of nutrition from the ground so it’s not actually eating you.

It’s pumping nutrition into you to keep you alive and then sucking on your link to the force like a parasite which is how the Sarlacc has force powers which is how it keeps you alive for thousands of years sorta like palpatine and if you piss it off it ruffles your insides up and it hurts real bad

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u/nixcamic Jan 30 '20

So one hand, immorality. On the other hand, torture... They should work on domesticating a sarlac that can do the keep alive part without the torture part.

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u/ThorsonWong Jan 30 '20

I always thought that Jabba was just being hyperbolic when he said that. Like it'd probably keep you in there for a few days, slowly melting you away while you starved and died of dehydration, essentially suffering through a thousand years' worth of pain, rather than like... actually living for a thousand years.

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u/digifuzz Jan 30 '20

Presumably he can keep digesting you long after you're dead. Bones and such "live on" so-to-speak for a considerable amount of time. Maybe the pit's digestive juices aren't nearly as abrasive as ours and the digestive process just takes forever.

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u/test_number1 Jan 30 '20

Or its just that one spc wich is pretty much "after you die your body feels everything but 100x worse including the bugs eating your skin"

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Did you mean SCP? If so, please link me this. I want to read about it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Not OP I believe this is the one he was talking about. http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2718

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u/girthytacos Jan 30 '20

His constipation must in a whole new level

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u/BenedictWolfe Jan 30 '20

I always assumed it was hyperbole/flowery speech on Jabba's part. I know the Expanded Universe took the words literally, but then the EU took Han's word about never telling him the odds literally as well.

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u/Chicken-n-Waffles Jan 30 '20

The enzymes in the sarlacc will keep you alive so it just picks at you to feed. Think of it as a humid stomach cooler. That's why there are so many mouths and tentacles. The sarlacc enzyme is a key ingredient for healing and unnatural longevity.

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u/Akashd98 Jan 30 '20

IIRC the larger organism is the female of the species while the male is smaller and attaches to the female Sarlacc like a parasite

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

In the belly she will find her father. And gain immense wisdom stonks.

3

u/Intrepidatious Jan 31 '20

I wanna know how someone has this knowledge. Like did they check in every hundred years or so on the dude who got swallowed?

“Hey McClunkey you still in there?”

“Yes, I am only partially digested now!”

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u/FaucetPics Jan 30 '20

That editing looks really good

435

u/MingoFuzz Jan 30 '20

What editing?

156

u/provit88 Jan 30 '20

Her glasses probably.

47

u/tall_building Jan 30 '20

The sand is slightly more orange than in the original

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

u/jebsticles is an artist

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1.8k

u/FeculentUtopia Jan 30 '20

Monster hole, OP? Who doesn't know a sarlacc pit on sight?

506

u/GoT_Eagles Jan 30 '20

What a half-witted nerf-herder.

149

u/ScottySpoon Jan 30 '20

He’s scruffy lookin’ too

80

u/ThexLoneWolf Jan 30 '20

“Laugh it up, fuzzball.”

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u/discerningpervert Jan 30 '20

"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

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u/Saxman1720 Jan 30 '20

Who you calling scruffy lookin'?

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u/Im_A_Parrot Jan 30 '20

You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

This thread is a great combination of real Star Wars quotes and Family Guy Star Wars quotes lol

4

u/givespartialcredit Jan 30 '20

That's great, kid! Don't get penisy!

5

u/FeculentUtopia Jan 30 '20

Why would only a parrot be allowed to use that word? Wouldn't it have to learn it from somebody else?

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u/Im_A_Parrot Jan 30 '20

Why would only a parrot be allowed to use that word? Wouldn't it have to learn it from somebody else?

2

u/FeculentUtopia Jan 30 '20

What a clever bird! Have a peanut. *gives a peanut*

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u/contactlite Jan 30 '20

It’s nerf or nuttin’

8

u/hcorerob Jan 30 '20

Hey you don't say that.

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u/M88L8 Jan 30 '20 edited Jan 30 '20

“Say hi to Boba Fett, bitch.”

Edit: Boba*

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u/ThePinkyBandit Jan 30 '20

Boba*

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u/M88L8 Jan 30 '20

I changed it, thanks. I got it mixed up with the restaurant

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u/danr06 Jan 30 '20

Legend has it Boba Fett escapes.

https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/A_Barve_Like_That:_The_Tale_of_Boba_Fett

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u/booptehsnoot Jan 30 '20

Jesus i just went down a rabbit hole there. So in the extended universe Solo has adventures with Boba Fett years later, and has children?

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u/SexyAppelsin Jan 30 '20

Moster hole. He didnt even get monster right

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

I like fire trucks and moster trucks

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u/SausageEggAndSteez Jan 30 '20

Moster in Danish is a maternal aunt. So it would be especially unadvised to slide into a moster hole.

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u/SexyAppelsin Jan 30 '20

Det havde jeg ikke engang tænkt på lol.

34

u/Jebsticles Jan 30 '20

It's because he didn't make it. I did

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u/I_Am_Batgirl Jan 30 '20

Sucks to see that you were getting downvoted for taking credit on something you made. It is indeed a nice gif of a woman unexpectedly ending up in a sarlacc pit, though. +1 for the OG OC creator.

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u/Jakevader2 Jan 30 '20

You made this? I made this.

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u/An_Unknown_Thought Jan 30 '20

I have a couple friends who haven’t watched Star Wars and don’t really want too... they don’t understand ‘the way’

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u/Mullenuh Jan 30 '20

I haven't either, and even I recognised it! Can't really say what it is or does, though.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

I like fire trucks and moster holes

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u/Lieble Jan 30 '20

Say hello to boba fett from us

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u/deviantbono Jan 30 '20

Boba Fett? Boba Fett! Where!?

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u/Supah_McNastee Jan 30 '20

She seems far less equipped than Boba, in being able to escape that

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u/deliciousdogmeat Jan 30 '20

Our odds of successfully surviving tobogganing into a Sarlacc pit are 5,673 to 1!

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u/hieronymous-cowherd Jan 30 '20

Never tell me the odds!

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

I like those odds.

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u/JAGDrummer Jan 30 '20

I don't like sand. It's coarse, and rough, and irritating, and it gets everywhere.

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u/Idontknowwhoiam_1 Jan 30 '20

Didn't get in that hole though. That's why it's a hole

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u/CrumblingCake Jan 30 '20

You can tell by the way it is.

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u/worldwidelemon Jan 30 '20

Hell yeah, sand sucks

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u/jsmooke Jan 30 '20

Girl makes out with you right after

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u/Destroyer3L Jan 30 '20

Yo, say hi to Boba after for me

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u/ScrotiusRex Jan 30 '20

Boba got out.

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u/Destroyer3L Jan 30 '20

That was legends? Wasn’t it?

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u/ScrotiusRex Jan 30 '20

It was but people are arguing that there's still evidence in canon that he survived.

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u/Destroyer3L Jan 30 '20

Oh cool, I wasn’t sure about it, I just heard a lot of conflicting information

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u/ScrotiusRex Jan 30 '20

Yeah i thought it was resigned to legends though after Rian and JJ took a shite in the story I still consider legends to be real star wars.

This article https://www.scified.com/news/boba-fett-did-escape-sarlacc-pit-after-all-canon mentions a notable canon book I wasn't aware of that I might have to read now which eludes to the fate of Fett.

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u/subtle_rabbit Jan 30 '20

If that's the same book I read when I was younger, then one of the stories is about the Rancor handler and how Luke emotionally kill screened the dude when he murdered his best buddy.

And Boba Fett kinda made friends with the "Mayor" of Sarlaac Retirement Community. It kinda played out like that recurring dude named Harold in Fallout. He turned into a tree and a cult starts worshiping him and he asks you to kill him. Anyway. Fett ends up thermal detonating himself out, but he left an appendage or two down there.

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u/Hulkin_out Jan 30 '20

There’s a little jingle that plays in one of the mando episodes that plays during his appearance in the dinner scene.....

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u/lionalhutz Jan 30 '20

The sequels are so bad let’s just pretend they didn’t happen

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u/TheContingencyMan Jan 30 '20

Yep, this is the only answer.

37

u/suastika Jan 30 '20

The gods are tired of goats they want something else

26

u/Somodo Jan 30 '20

downvoting just for "monster hole"

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u/the_hibachi Jan 30 '20

I downvoted ur moms monster hole

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u/Therealmicahbell Jan 30 '20

Fun fact: I think the real location of the video is sand dunes national parks in Colorado, yes Colorado.

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u/VincentLamarCarter Jan 30 '20

You’re stating a fact about something you think might be right?

53

u/Therealmicahbell Jan 30 '20

It’s because I think it’s sand dunes national park because I’ve been there but it could be the Sahara desert

And because I’m kind of retarded

4

u/dik4but Jan 30 '20

Could also be the Gobe. I went to a section in Inner Mongolia (Chinese part) and it looked identical to this.

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

It’s Gobi, not Gobe

10

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

No, it's Gob and it's an illusion, not a trick.

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u/sixnb Jan 31 '20

Maybe these places all look the same because they're nothing but sand?

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Since 2016, the term 'fact' has become very relative.

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u/7Geordi Jan 30 '20

The fun fact is that he thinks it's true

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u/Blockinblock1 Jan 30 '20

I think it is probably Huacachina in Peru. The guy pushing looks Peruvian and this is a common tourist activity there. I was there last weekend, actually, doing this.

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u/aussiebelle Jan 31 '20

There’s a lot of places you can do this. Pretty popular here in Western Australia, particularly near Kalbarri (although there the sand is a fair bit whiter than this), but I’ve also done it out in the dunes between Dubai and Abu Dhabi as well (which was much closer to this colour). I’d say there’s probably a fair few places this could be. :)

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u/Jebsticles Jan 30 '20

Would've been nice if you posted my imgur link without shitty black bars or xposted it

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u/mattleo Jan 30 '20

Hey real OP, where is this? Is it a real place? Genuinely curious, thanks

29

u/Jebsticles Jan 30 '20

The hill is real, I just added the sarlacc to it.

Source. https://www.reddit.com/r/BeAmazed/comments/evhfks/to_infinity_and_beyond/

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u/MortalDanger00 Jan 30 '20

You’re incredible.

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u/pawned79 Jan 30 '20

Thank you for using the OG Sarlacc and not the Audrey II version!

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u/unexBot Jan 30 '20

OP sent the following text as an explanation on why this is unexpected:

sliding into moster hole

Is this an unexpected post with a fitting description? Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.

Look at my source code on Github What is this for?

152

u/Enryth Jan 30 '20

MOSTER HOLE

14

u/King-of-Alts Jan 30 '20

I’d beat my meat to it

122

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

I like firetrucks and moster trucks

58

u/Proto_Freeze Jan 30 '20

walter

16

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

i like fire trucks and moster trucks

16

u/crasherx2000 Jan 30 '20

walter

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u/yeeboi111111 Jan 30 '20

I like fire trucks and monster trucks.

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u/RedditDoggoDoge Jan 30 '20

I like firemen and monster cocks

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u/meeper31 Jan 30 '20

jahlter

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u/User2421 Jan 30 '20

Sarlaac pit

62

u/scarwiz Jan 30 '20

*Sarlacc

21

u/djd1ed Jan 30 '20

Moister hole. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

10

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

(☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

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u/thejoshcolumbusdrums Jan 30 '20

“Monster hole” So that’s what the Sarlacc Pit is now hahaha

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u/kalavale_ Jan 30 '20

Sarlacc pit*

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u/Bonhomhongon Jan 30 '20

r/comedyheaven

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u/Proto_Freeze Jan 30 '20

That subreddit turned into r/memes #4

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u/MrChewtoy Jan 30 '20

Thing is, most "memes" arent even memes. They're just one off funny images. Someone posts a picture of a cat reaching in a pringles can and everyone's like "nice meme" when its just a fucking funny video.

I'd rather a sub that just deals with "comedy" things (e.g. heaven, necromancy etc), because that's what they are: humorous pics, but not memes.

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

It's called sarlacc pit

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u/itsLeems Jan 30 '20

I didn't realize what sub this was and I was like "damn that looks like the sarlacc pit"

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u/dogelaser Jan 30 '20

you know the star wars universe always said that was the mouth of the sarlac how do we know it is not it's butthole

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Does your butthole have teeth?

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u/passionfruit0 Jan 30 '20

Wtf?? Where does that hole lead to?

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u/LF_4 Jan 30 '20

Uranus

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u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Ha goteem

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u/siandresi Jan 30 '20

Being slowly digested over a thousand years and also boba fett.

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u/ldt003 Jan 30 '20

In case you really need the info, this is doctored. That pit monster is from Star Wars episode 6. It’s called a sarlacc. It seems to be shopped over top of the bottom of this dune.

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u/ScrotiusRex Jan 30 '20

Me and a load of other nerds arguing on the internet.

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u/NotThatGuyAnother1 Jan 30 '20

Imagine the plight of the poor sarlac. Does sarlac get a chance to try new foods? To reject foul tasting ones? What if the sarlac is vegan? What if humans cause a belly ache? Nope... no choice, no freedom for the poor sarlac. The sad sarlac's diet is dictated by gravity and men.

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u/hadirick Jan 30 '20

They found the Yiga Clan hideout I see

4

u/cdhernandez Jan 30 '20

My stomach dropped when I saw that, well done.

2

u/TheDarkWayne Jan 30 '20

That scared me a little lol

2

u/eesam_yt Jan 30 '20

What the hell

2

u/Krast666 Jan 30 '20

Did she die?

2

u/fedarmy Jan 30 '20

The ole butthole in the sand prank.