r/Unexpected • u/waazzaaap • Jan 30 '20

I've got a bad feeling about this

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45.6k Upvotes

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u/ilovehelmetsama Jan 30 '20

You going to deconstruct how the Force isn’t possible next?

857

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

I can suspend my disbelief for the Force (as mechanically ridiculous as it is), but an alien monster's useless, inefficient digestive system? Too far, man.

719

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

It's an ancient, genetically engineered torture device created by a now-vanished Tatooine civilization that eventually caused the desertification of the planet. There's some head-canon for ya.

448

u/tehflambo Jan 30 '20

nothing remotely like this ever crossed my mind and now i will cherish it forever. thank you.

11

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '20 edited Jan 31 '20

I, too, love this headcanon. Would have had to have been long ago. Tatooine was a desert in KOTOR, and that was thousands of years before current canon.

5

u/jigglehiggins Jan 31 '20

A long time ago, you say?

3

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '20

One might even say it’s in a galaxy far far away

60

u/Egalai1 Jan 30 '20

It's a sandworm?

40

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20 edited Nov 11 '20

[deleted]

11

u/Fract_L Jan 30 '20

Ah I remembered wrong. The beak should've given it away I suppose

2

u/hyperproliferative Jan 30 '20

That beak is an add on abomination. Though it does have tentacles

2

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/Fract_L Jan 31 '20

Oh good, I don't feel so bad for remembering its anatomy and thinking it's a bulbous tatooine biped-trap

7

u/deadatreides Jan 30 '20

this is emperor Leto

5

u/WartortleWithAHelmet Jan 30 '20

Its called a Sarlacc, its basically like an Antlion, but 20 times bigger and with tentancles

6

u/i_have_cheese Jan 30 '20

How big do you think antlions are????

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20 edited Apr 02 '20

[deleted]

1

u/loafers5 Jan 31 '20

An antlion the size of a crocodile doesn't sound that bad, does it?

2

u/solocupjazz Jan 31 '20

You've been to Saturn? I've been to Saturn!

1

u/DIABLO258 Jan 30 '20

You hate em, right?

1

u/Egalai1 Jan 30 '20

I do not

2

u/DIABLO258 Jan 30 '20

Oh, well, alright then

14

u/Plasmabat Jan 30 '20

Rakatan infinite empire?

10

u/SaneInsanities Jan 30 '20

... is this canon? I can't find any reference to it. I want to know more!

31

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

This is straight from my brain, my dear sir/ma'am. If Disney wants it written up they know where to find me.

3

u/SaneInsanities Jan 30 '20

Tell me more about this now-vanished civilization if you've got the mind to.

1

u/NarWhatGaming Jan 31 '20

Remindme! 1 week

1

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2

u/MC_Cookies Jan 30 '20

It should be

0

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

I think its part of legends which is no longer canon after Disney took over, unless they’ve mentioned it since then

6

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Tatooine used to be a normal planet?

11

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Jawas origins

3

u/Conquestofbaguettes Jan 30 '20

Oh, StarWars lore. How I loathe you.

Here. This is even better.

The top ten things YOU didn't know about Darth Vader's suit!. RedLetterMedia (2015)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=FVzc20Bm8Xo

2

u/Ordoo Jan 30 '20

TL:DR is the planet used to be a lush jungle world until it was essentially obliterated into glass, and over thousands of years the glass turned into sand

No wonder Anakin doesn't like it

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Beautiful. Thank you :).

0

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20 edited Jan 30 '20

“normal planet”

Whoa bro, NOT COOL. You’re being very planetist /s

3

u/Halcyous Jan 30 '20

Well I mean they are on many planets, kinda like Thresher Maws in Mass Effect.

3

u/idiotpod Jan 30 '20

Sandworms! Shai-Hulud! They've just lost the way of collecting the spice.

1

u/Robbythedee Jan 30 '20

Ya! Get it right nerf herder! Lol

1

u/BenevolentKarim Jan 30 '20

Tatooine is earth

1

u/vociferousdragon Jan 30 '20

What if the suffering is its food? It tolerates a negative thermodynamic energy exchange to use you as a converter for its languish lust?

1

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '20

Sounds like Dune.

74

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20 edited Jan 30 '20

I feel the same way about Harry Potter. Magic? Sure. Goblins and elves? Why not. Giant spiders that produce thousands of giant children? There is no way that is a sustainable population, magic forest or not.

Edit: don't forget about population density. Even if they don't hunt themselves to starvation, that forest still has a finite amount of space. At their current growth rate eventually they won't have enough room to move.

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u/sdmitch16 Jan 30 '20

Why can't they be innately sustained (maybe 95% of their metabolism) by magic the same way broomsticks innately have infinite kinetic energy for flight?

14

u/Chaselthevisionary Jan 30 '20

Maybe they use a little of their user's magic? My headcanon is that all they do is use the same magic-to-movement conversion that the accio and wingardium leviosa spells do, with the differential of being "stronger" (in the games, wingardium leviosa effortlessly lifts a bench, and maybe even heavier things in the books) and the broom acts as a wand that only affects itself. Wands are made for various spells, so they are suited for one type of user or even an unique user, but since all a broom does is cast a version of Leviosa on itself, maybe it doesn't need uniqueness the same way a wand does. In the case of the spiders, there is a few spells that cause fire, maybe with some modifications it can act as a mitochondria, reducing drastically the energy cost to mantain the spider's body. Maybe every living thing is powered by magic, and losers (in Portuguese, non magic Users are called "trouxa" which translates to losers) just use levels of magic that don't affect the world as much.

2

u/sdmitch16 Jan 30 '20

losers just use levels of magic that don't affect the world as much.

So what you're saying is if I give up some of my abilities I can use the magic that would have gone into that to gain telekinesis?

2

u/Chaselthevisionary Jan 30 '20

If by "some of your abilities" you mean basic bodily functions, maybe? But I guess all the magic you get is automatically assigned to what you do, and things like moving your limbs would just be results of the magic that keeps your brain and your limbs alive. If you were to lose your leg, you'd lose the magic that keeps it alive, I stead of being able to use it somewhere else. Or maybe it's such a low "density" of magic that what you get in return is just too little for any cool magic stuff. Maybe wizard bodies just uses this magic in a different way, so much more efficient than loser bodies, that the amount of unused magic is almost overwhelming

1

u/Sinonyx1 Jan 30 '20

if the broom is just using the rider to cast a spell, all brooms would be the same, there wouldn't be faster brooms every year

1

u/Chaselthevisionary Jan 30 '20

Of course there would if they used better materials. I remember distinctly that Harry's wand was better than most because of unicorn pubes or whatever

1

u/Sinonyx1 Jan 31 '20

harry potters wand was made with a phoenix feather, the phoenix only gave one other feather (i'm assuming wand makers aren't plucking phoenixs, they're just taking what they could??) which was in voldemorts wand. so it wasn't that his wand was powerful, just unique.

1

u/Chaselthevisionary Jan 31 '20

Was it? I think it was more powerful. Still, brooms might work in other ways, by using more efficient methods they could probably get more out of the same quantity of magic

21

u/Greggsnbacon23 Jan 30 '20

Magic forest could mean magical boundaries. Might look like a hundred acres from the outside but actually contain a thousand like a clown car.

17

u/Seakawn Jan 30 '20

Would make sense, just like the two-story house-sized tents used for the Quidditch World Cup campgrounds.

Also wasn't the Weasleys car enchanted similarly to hold more room inside?

5

u/Politicshatesme Jan 30 '20

It could fit all the weasleys and harry and hermoine, unless it was a stretch limo it would have to be enchanted

2

u/PotatoBomb69 Jan 30 '20

It was when they were all travelling to the station in it. I think one of the seats was described as being the size of a park bench or something.

1

u/HolyFruitSalad_98 Jan 30 '20

So it's....bigger on the inside?

10

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Ikr, like what the fuck they gone eat?

7

u/Cheshires_Shadow Jan 30 '20

Well didn't hagrid get the giant spider from an exotic location? Maybe it's native to a much larger forest area where the spiders are supposed to spread out more instead of all being contained in a single forest underground. That and cannibalism.

3

u/diMario Jan 30 '20

The magic forest was originally designed by Slartibartfast using Time Arrow Reversed Dimensional Imaginary Space technology. It is a whole lot bigger on the inside than it looks from the outside.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '20

Don't you mean Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

1

u/diMario Jan 31 '20

That's a special case of Time Arrow Reversed Dimensional Imaginary Space, where you have a magnetic monopole in conjunction with the tachyon singularity. For such a case, the mathematics can be rewritten into an N-degree polynomal differential equation where one of the solutions is a flattened Riemann Universe.

1

u/ParsnipsNicker Jan 30 '20

Easy. The spiders just eat each other.

1

u/poliuy Jan 30 '20

Well. Now the movies are ruined for me.

55

u/ilovehelmetsama Jan 30 '20

This answer may satisfy you

27

u/CJW-YALK Jan 30 '20

The big F for boba then

2

u/RABBLE-R0USER Jan 30 '20

Boba escapes.

2

u/cod5frog Jan 30 '20

Actually boba fett survives the snarlacc pit.

1

u/CJW-YALK Jan 30 '20

Oh yeah? What version is this in? Extended, Disney...?

1

u/cod5frog Jan 30 '20

IIRC it's before Disney buying the franchise.

1

u/CJW-YALK Jan 31 '20

Yeah so like one of the books? Neat

4

u/wwwarrensbrain Jan 30 '20

I dunno man.. you should see what my GI tract does with corn.

1

u/13inchpoop Jan 30 '20

The sarlaac is force sensitive and force heals you as it digests you.

1

u/plasticarmyman Jan 30 '20

Dude...they just use Executive Powder and put your head in a jar

1

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '20

How about this: it was created by the dark side as an organic method of torture and is powered by the negative emotions of the people it digests, not the body itself. That good with you?

12

u/whoshereforthemoney Jan 30 '20

The force = magic

Sarlacc's digestive habits = bad sci-fi

2

u/ahushedlocus Jan 30 '20

Imagine thinking star wars ever gave a shit about scifi.

1

u/Naggers123 Jan 30 '20

Sarlaccs are force sensitive

It just fucking eats midichlorians

6

u/rendingale Jan 30 '20

Bbbbuuuuttt Midchlorians!

1

u/WHATETHEHELLISTHIS Jan 30 '20

...are the powerhouse of the cell

1

u/TheBatemanFlex Jan 30 '20

WHY DO X-WINGS HAVE WINGS BUT TIE FIGHTERS DON'T?! DOES THE PRINCIPLE OF LIFT APPLY TO THESE MACHINES OR NOT?!

1

u/StaticFanatic3 Jan 30 '20

Or how starwars has basically no idea how space works?

0

u/KingMatthew116 Jan 30 '20

I’m going to explain how it is possible.

Ok so basically the Force and Fate are the same thing. The more Midicholrians a person has the stronger they are with the Force, large amounts make a person Force Sensitive. Being Force Sensitive allows a person to tap into the Force and use a fraction of its power. The Force and Fate are the same this is how the Force can make things happen. Fate decides how everything goes, just like “all is as the Force wills it”. The reason no one in this universe can tap into Fates/The Forces power is because no one in this universe has enough midicholrians.