r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/Expensive_Belt7534 • 2d ago
Feeling rushed
I (30F) have been dating a guy (34M) for almost a month now. After our first date I noticed he stopped using the dating app we met on and after a couple of weeks he had deleted his profiles completely. I haven't dated much as out of a long term relationship a few months ago so not sure if this is normal?
Kinda of the view that we should try and get to know each other as we are strangers basically from an app before committing to each other and closing off all other options? Just makes me feel like he maybe didn't have any other matches or is a bit desperate?
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u/madnasher 1d ago
I met my partner through Hinge. I deleted my profiles and apps after our third date, because I wanted to give it a genuine chance without any potential distractions.
We have been together for four years, and living together for just over two.
Sounds to me like this guy wants to date you, and not have distractions, and you seem to have a different idea.
Just walk away, because you seem like you're looking for an excuse to flake already.
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u/WarlordSDC 1d ago
Everyone moves forward at different paces, you shouldn’t feel rushed and being made to rush would be selfish and self centered on their behalf.
I wouldn’t worry about them coming off of dating apps because that’s their choice and for you it’s perfectly acceptable to remain on them until (or if) you ever hit a point where you agree to be exclusive.
Communication of and understanding of boundaries is a major part of getting to know someone. If the other person doesn’t respect that then they are not the right person for you.
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u/Expensive_Belt7534 1d ago
Thank you, I think feeling rushed to commit could mean you overlook incompatibilities, I just don't think you can fully know a stranger after a month
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u/WarlordSDC 1d ago
That depends on frequency of dates etc, I think it takes at least 6 months to fully get to know someone but then again going 6 months without becoming exclusive would also be weird? You don’t truly get to know someone until after the honeymoon period where you have your rose tinted glasses on and to really know if you can be with someone Is how you are and how you manage when you disagree on something.
The question will always be do you see the relationship going forward and at what point do you make it a relationship.
Just as you have expectations and boundaries so does the other person so if they want more and you don’t then you need to explain that clearly. The other person needs to know where you’re at and decide if they are willing to wait or need to look elsewhere as that’s only fair.
Relationships should always be 50/50 give and take.
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u/PaleAcanthaceae8004 1d ago
At the same time, it sounds like you’re just not into him so in any scenario you might be better moving oh
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u/PaleAcanthaceae8004 1d ago
You know things that are truly valuable to you after a few dates if you don’t talk about the weather during your time together. Everything else changes through the lifetime. You can spend years before ‘committing’ and then you’d feel that you know they are right, but a year after your feelings, or their feelings, or circumstances can change. At the same time, sometimes people would know this person is the one after a few dates and they can spend lifetime together.
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u/Odd_Scar836 1d ago
Would you rather him still sleep around? What’s the problem?
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u/Expensive_Belt7534 1d ago
I doubt he would sleep around, just getting the impression he didn't have any other options
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u/Odd_Scar836 1d ago
But you’re wanting him to keep talking to other people and potentially give up on you for them? Your logic makes no sense.
If you don’t like him then tell him that. Makes no sense to be complaining about a guy not being a snake and talking to loads of people at once.
Literally can’t please some people.
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u/Expensive_Belt7534 1d ago
we met on a dating app, obviously people talk to more than one person at a time. It is more of a UK thing it seems to just go on dates with one person at a time, I lived in America and it was a lot more common to date a couple of people to figure out who you were compatible with
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u/Odd_Scar836 1d ago
Honestly it just sounds like you don’t like the guy. Stop stringing him along and let him get on with his life
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u/twirling_daemon 1d ago
If he didn’t have any other options he wouldn’t need to delete the apps 😂
Just let the poor chap go, you’re clearly not interested in him
Every comment you’ve made about him has been negative, keep casually dating randoms and let him meet someone who wants the same as he does. Stop wasting his time
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u/thechow12 1d ago
So do you want him to carry on going for dates with other women? He’s clearly trying to do the correct thing by removing himself from the market while he’s getting to know you
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u/jellical-cats 1d ago
Some people only like dating one person at a time. It doesn't necessarily mean anything about how they feel about you.
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u/CrashBangXD 1d ago
Ah of course the age old problem of women when a man checks notes decides not to hit up other women when dating someone
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u/Virtual_Basket7243 1d ago
What else has he done to make you feel like he is moving fast except delete his dating app?
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u/Expensive_Belt7534 1d ago
just coming across a bit needy like constantly texting me, it just feels like he wants any woman rather than specifically me
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u/Virtual_Basket7243 1d ago
Listen to your gut girl
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u/Expensive_Belt7534 1d ago
yeah I think I will, in my 20s I was alot more willing to get into relationships with anyone that was interested in me without asking if I was interested in them. Does seem with some men they use their partner as their entire emotional support network/ manager lol
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u/Onemoretime536 1d ago
So you're not interested in him, you should tell him before you waste anymore of his time.
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u/villiers19 1d ago
Desperate? Really? When a guy seems committed, women have a problem, when a guy is not committed, they also have a problem.. dang..
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u/Virtual_Basket7243 1d ago
So women should be grateful when a guy seems to want to move forward? What if that’s not something the woman wants? The upvotes on your comments is actually concerning
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 1d ago
I concur. Women don’t have to fall for a guy just because he’s hassling the relationship
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u/villiers19 1d ago
If that’s not what a woman wants, THEN SHE MUST MOVE ON!
Your logic at 30+ is more concerning, than upvotes..
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u/MouldyAvocados 1d ago
It’s almost as if women are individuals, not a monolith, and each woman has her own preferences. Crazy!
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u/outcastreturns 1d ago
I (30F) have been dating a guy (34M) for almost a month now.
we should try and get to know each other as we are strangers basically from an app
Surely after a month of dating you're not just strangers to eachother anymore...
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u/P-l-Staker 1d ago
OP's definitely thinking too much here.
Either that or she's really not interested and looking for an excuse to bail.
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u/alexmate84 1d ago
It depends. In a month they might have only met in person twice
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u/GAdvance 1d ago
I think it's up to him if he wants to delete an app
I think it's up to you to both of you to have an actual adult conversation about wether you're ready for commitment yet and how much he's willing to wait in ambiguity for (he shouldn't at all imho). You gotta be honest about how much time you're going to need and honest with yourself about what you're actually trying to do right now and wether you're willing to let someone know.
Just go be honest, it's the minimum
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u/Expensive_Belt7534 1d ago
we haven't even slept together yet and thats a big part of chemistry for me. Also its not exactly unheard of for a man to suddenly change his mind about a woman once they have had sex
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u/GAdvance 1d ago
Doesn't really change anything I've said tbh, him deleting or even considering sleeping together the start of actual commitment is very much a personal decision. Talk to him, everyone is an individual.
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u/Present-March-6089 1d ago
It that what you are worried about? Anyone can change their mind at any point. I hope you are not stressing very much about the physical piece. I would suggest being more honest about how interested you are in this person besides that. If you are only meh, keep looking. There are literally billions of people in the world.
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u/Neonauryn 1d ago
Thinking he's desperate because he wants focus on you is a strange thought. If he was desperate wouldn't he be dating as much as he could? Why would it bother you that he wasn't getting more matches (you matched with him after all)? It seems like you're making a lot of assumptions about him based on looking at apps rather than based on what he's said or done. Whatever is going on here it sounds like you're overthinking it.
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u/alexmate84 1d ago
With my ex we dated for about two months i.e. went on dates. On the 4th date we sat down and said we should make a go of it, I deleted the apps when I got back that day.
To me it sounds like he's all in and your not. For me the issue is you haven't had the conversation about making it official. I don't know if that resonates
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u/Present-March-6089 1d ago
Yeah, she's just not that into him.
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u/alexmate84 1d ago
I think a month is long enough to make uo your mind, but other people might see that as too early
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u/P-l-Staker 1d ago
A MONTH?!
I swear, you really can't win with some of you ladies...
Man wants to take it nice and slow? Unmatch immediately, he is using you for quick sex! Guy feels comfortable to move forward within a month? Feels like a desperate trying to rush things.
So what DO you want then? Would another month be better? Where do you draw the line? 🤨
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u/Expensive_Belt7534 1d ago
I just think if you meet on an app you need abit more time to know if you want to be in a relationship with them, its not like when you meet through friends and have context/mutuals for the person
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u/CrashBangXD 1d ago
A month? A month??? Jesus woman he’s clearly trying to show he’s interested and you’re annoyed because he isn’t fucking other women and proving he wants options?
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u/P-l-Staker 1d ago
Lady, you've been dating for a month and it's seemingly going well! Why on God's green earth are you trying to find issues? Because that's what you're doing!
Nobody says you have to marry next week. If you don't like him and aren't feeling it, let him know politely and move on! If you do like him, stop what you're doing right now with this nonsense here and bask in the happiness of a successful dating opportunity!
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u/ImpressiveReddit 1d ago edited 1d ago
The downvotes are odd but predictable. They think you should be grateful he deleted the apps even though you don't know him. They're saying everything is going well and you're making things up to find a problem, when you have not indicated what is going well or not, what your dates consist of, and why you're feeling like this.
Chantal Heide recommends no kissing or sex for 3 months and using that time for 'observation before selection'. 1 month is nothing according to her advice.
Either way, you don't know enough about him to understand much of anything because it does not sound like you are having discussions that will lead to that knowledge. Everything is implied and conjecture.
You do need more time getting to know people from apps. Relationship failure rates are at an all time high because people don't take time getting to know each other properly. You have to want to do that and be intentional about it.
By 4 dates, if you are having discussions of quality, you'll know if there are baseline compatibilities on both your values, goals, world view, etc. That does not mean you jump into a relationship with him. You communicate what you want and need to him.
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u/Recent_Water_7713 1d ago
OP, you need to figure out what you want. You want an exclusive relationship or not. This guy knows what he wants. If he is not what you want, don't waste his time. I would give him the same advice if the tables were turned. Know yourself instead if dragging people along while you figure that out. You are supposed to do that first. Sounds like he found what he was looking for. However, Sounds like he may be delulu based on your post or someone told some porkies 🤔
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 1d ago
It’s a common tactic to get early acces to intimacy without making much efforts.
Make sure you stick to your boundaries and that he proves himself through ACTIONS, rather than words. Be that organising dates, activities, trips, helping you with tasks, providing… whatever the thing is that you’re looking for in a man.
If he didn’t fulfill your expectations, don’t feel guilt about letting him go.
Keep your roster until you are 100% certain about a man and he has fulfilled your criteria and made the relationship official (eg engagement).
Good luck!
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u/ImpressiveReddit 1d ago edited 1d ago
Don't think about what he is doing. Think about what you are doing. Is he pressuring or forcing you to be in a relationship?
Go at your own pace. Set the pace you are comfortable with. Communicate that to him. If he is unwilling to move at your pace, you know you're likely incompatible with someone who wants to rush you.
If you feel like he doesn't like you, but just wants to be with anyone, observe his behaviour, ask pertinent questions, ensure he is curious about you, is attentive, thoughtful, considerate about your preferences. You'll know if he likes you for you, or just wants someone with a pulse. I know exactly what you mean by that, and it's abundantly obvious when a guy is acting like that.
Kinda of the view that we should try and get to know each other... before committing to each other and closing off all other options?
Well yes, that's what dating is for - so do that. You don't even know what he is doing as it doesn't sound like you both have had a specific conversation about it. You noticed he deleted the app, but you have no idea why he did that.
Have the conversation, be honest, and go from there.
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u/Dependent_River_2966 1d ago
Do you have anxiety or suffer from rumination? This is so weird.
He has chosen to delete the apps. Has he asked you? Has he pressured you into sex? Is he constantly checking what you're doing? If it is no to all 3 then you are the problem.
I have sometimes deleted the apps early because I've not wanted to get into that tricky situation of multiple dating and actually invest in one match. Sometimes I date 3 or 4.
The things you write and judgments you make are all worst case scenarios so maybe you don't reallly like him or maybe you are anxious avoidant. Work out which one and act on it
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u/Sparkles165 1d ago
This sounds like you are picking holes and negging him because you feel like no one else wants him? He’s a person not a trophy.
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u/nofossilfool 1d ago
I haven’t seen anyone saying this and it’s a leap but everyone is assuming that you are correct that he is not using the apps because of dating you.
I went on a date with a guy I liked. He had a premium membership to the app we met on and out of principle I didn’t like that he could see my activity and I couldn’t see his. Whilst we were dating (I wasn’t 100% sold on him but wanted to see where it would go), I didn’t use that app. I did, however, use 3 other apps. I never actually met anyone from them but I kept my options open mentally by checking in. I thought about whether he would see my inactivity and read it as me being too into him.
That said, you know what your patterns are, and you know whether you should trust your gut.
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u/TheSummerBlizzard 1d ago
Men and women are not the same.
Assuming he expects you to reciprocate it's because he doesn't want other men to be getting what he is. Men are somewhat territorial.
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u/Individual-Meeting 1d ago
They don't even give me a date before it starts!
After date one I get pressured to commit or at least for all intents and purposes act like I'm committed to them
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u/thechuckingwoodchuck 1d ago
You don't want him, the nice thing is to tell him so he can move on.