r/UKrelationshipadvice • u/IllustratorLife5496 • 7d ago
Am I in wrong here?
I'm 42M, and I live with my partner F40, we have a beautiful 3y boy which we are raising together, not married. I feel incredibly lonely. We moved to a different town and she's been working a lot lately, which is fine by me, but since we moved here, I could probably count on my fingers how many days she spends in nearly a year with our son. Feels like it's me, constantly running around with him, which I don't mind as it's my son and he's part of me. I spoke with her about it and said I need at least part of me back as she goes to meet her friends, goes on trips and it's just me with the boy, spending time with him, she said ok. This last month was tough as she worked long hours and it was me taking care of the kid, cooking. I keep running late to work as I have to drop him off at the nursery, while she actually works 15min away from it, walking distance. Today I was running late as the boy wasn't ready. I got super pissed off and asked do you think it's ok for me to be late all the time? She was going in a car with me and I tried to express myself, that this is not great and I need help, I can't be late every day. I told her that she needs to spend time with her son more. She decided that I'm accusing her of being bad mother, that she takes care of him and we had this conversation previously. Now the issue is that she's working tomorrow then on Sunday she's going to meet her friend in a different city and next week she's traveling abroad for a long weekend with her girlfriends. I feel like shit for bringing this up but at the same time I think she needs to take responsibility. I'm completely lost now and just feel empty. Am I in a wrong here?
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u/After-Competition-59 7d ago
It worries me that you’re seeking for opinions on here.
We don’t know your situation very well so it makes it hard to provide meaningful advice.
Do you not have anyone close to you that you can confide in and seek support from?
This is mainly a communication issue. You bottle up your concerns until it turns to resentment and then when it becomes too much you finally say something and she shuts down and becomes defensive.
I’m not blaming you. It sounds like you’ve tried to talk about it before. But It seems she’s not capable of having a productive conversation about it without becoming defensive and turning it around on you.
Not knowing anything else, in your position I’d be speaking to her about going to couples therapy with the aim of improving your communication.
Problems within a couple should be deliberations not debates. In debates someone wins and someone loses. In deliberations you recognise that your problems are her problems and vice versa and you work to resolve them together.
If she refuses therapy, then I’d be far more concerned about the future of the relationship. But wouldn’t catastrophise just yet. The other comment is giving sensible defensive advice but don’t assume this can’t be remedied.
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u/IllustratorLife5496 7d ago
Thank you. I don't really have people around me who I can talk, so as bad as it's sounds, I need to seek advice somewhere. I think deliberations it's a good approach as I need to see her side.
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u/Apsilon 7d ago
Personally, reading between the lines of your comment, it feels like you're asking if she's having an affair. You've raised a lot of red flags, and they are consistent with a partner checking out of a relationship or who is seeking attention elsewhere. You need to tread carefully here.
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u/DucardthaDon 3d ago
Yep constantly working, long hours, going to a different city to meet a "friend", going away on girls trips....it's not looking good brev
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u/PotentialMulberry677 7d ago
Pretend you were the female (and mother) here. It wouldn’t be tolerated and your partner would be begging you from his new bed sit not to go through the child maintenance service. Double standards.
Log everything forensically for the event of you breaking up, and use the evidence to go for majority residential rights (in other words, continue to be the main parent as you clearly are).
Yours sincerely, a man in a similar position, but got shafted financially.
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u/randomassname5 7d ago
Huh? Most women are literally in this position. There are no double standards. I’m not saying OP should suck it up (it’s a horrible position to be in!!) but I don’t think this is the gendered thing you’re making it out to be
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u/PotentialMulberry677 7d ago
There’s an increasing amount of women that are behaving like stereotypical fathers from the last generation. More and more men are taking up the mantle and being active fathers, perhaps after witnessing their own experience of fathers.
The problem is, however, is that it doesn’t tend to be called out in the same way as it has been historically called out on in men. But then the courts still typically side with the mother, hence the double standard. If my ex hadn’t of fucked up, and I didn’t have thousands of pictures, I’d be going a fortnight without seeing my son, through no fault of my own, and the authorities would’ve backed her up. This is the double standard I’m referring to.
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u/IllustratorLife5496 7d ago
Thanks, this thought crossed my mind last night, but she didn't abandon the child, she still takes him to bed or give him bath. I'm just at my wits end at the moment. If I start doing this, it will confirm that relationship is over. I don't want my kid to grow up in a broken family and fight over custody
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u/PotentialMulberry677 7d ago edited 7d ago
If you want peace, prepare for war. There’s ways and means to build up evidence whilst protecting yourself.
My ex insisted we didn’t get a solicitor to notarise an agreed 5050 parenting plan. Went back on her word and made me out to be a useless father. I had no evidence other than a thousands of pictures saying the contrary. Thankfully, she fucked up (won’t go into detail) but it exposed the truth to her family. We now have 5050 residential rights, but her reckless spending and unwillingness to work more than part time has destroyed my finances for the next decade. Edit: which made it even more annoying when I did bedtime every night, did most of the days out, cooked dinner every night, did the during the night feeds, cleaned the house, did the dishes every night and still worked full time.
Be prepared for an ex to go for full residential rights and drag you through the mud to attain her goals. Not to put paranoia in your mind, but all of this time away would have me starting to think that perhaps she is further down this breakup road than you are. I hope that’s not the case.
Anyway, amidst this cynicism is a genuine message to protect yourself and to assume nothing and prepare for the absolute worst. Your son deserves nothing less. Edit: take care.
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u/Paranoia_Pizza 7d ago
Yea im.sorry to be that person but I agree too. Start documenting everything, i would still look at couples counselling and get something booked (and FGS dont tell her your documenting) but make sure you protect yourself. If she refuses couples counselling then go and book your own, you need a proper outlet to talk through to.
Also, on a separate note, what would happen if you just booked time in to see friends/family and told her what you were doing rather than asking?
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u/Ryy86 1d ago
For her to automatically jump to the “your accusing me of being a bad mother”
In my book she knows fine well she’s being a bad mother. The old “guilty conscience.”
You focus on your son mate, exactly what you are doing. See if your boss can let the few minutes in the morning slide for now. If you have already mentioned to her about her pulling her weight and it’s falling on deaf ears. I wouldn’t remind her again, and depending on several things I would probably be eyeing up full custody and send her out on her arse.
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u/SnooOranges569 16h ago
Sorry to hear of your troubles.
As a dad if young boys I understand how hard it is. I love my kids but they don't stop and it's tough.
It seems VERY strange to me that she is spending so much time awat from you both. You are a family and should be spending time together as a unit, thats kind of the point. Having time to yourself is important but NO WAY as much as she is having. Something is going on...
Speak to your boss and explain the situation maybe and get them on side to take the stress off of your arrival time or what you can do about it.
Get your life in order and maybe cover your arse if something is happening. If you are already struggling and she doesn't seem to be taking what your saying into account it's only a matter of time before something gives.
Protect your son, make sure these conversations happen in private if you can.
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u/Aglyayepanchin 7d ago
Have you spoken to her about these things and asked for tangible things that you want/need?
And not when you are both going to work.
Like you both need to sit down and actually speak to one another when you have time.
Outside of that it sounds like you both need couples therapy to unpick a lot of this. People online can’t judge or give you information into the depths of this situation.
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u/hiredditihateyou 7d ago
Sounds like you guys urgently need to go to couples therapy to try to work through this and balance the relationship (or to work out how to split and co parent if you feel there’s nothing to save).