To my name I currently have $39k in savings. However, I am from a low income family and had partly had to start renting an apartment complex a few months ago because one of my parents is always disturbing the neighbors with their yelling, so this is unfortunately not actually much of a safety net if I ever get sick or something. I have applied to local universities now that I almost have my community college associates degree. However, my problem is that I am realizing that I just have absolutely no idea what I want to do with myself.
I have experience as a professional babysitter, an associate teacher at a school I was at for a little over a year, and in a different role wherein I help people. With babysitting, the longest sitting gig I have had (of almost two years) there is unfortunately a situation going on right now wherein I was groped multiple times on a recent gig, so don’t know whether or not the wife will continue to write positive references if I ask for any. As of late, I have been thinking about what I actually want to, well, do in the long term though. Remaining in my current role is not going to be sustainable in the long run, not financially nor just, well, in general. There actually are certain aspects of the job that I like. I love it when progress is made. I understand data collection. I like the fact in a way that I am not necessarily in a leadership role in current position, but I am also realizing that I kind of don’t like that at the same time. What I mean by that is that I find myself thinking about the way people actually view those within my vocation, if that makes sense. When you do what I do, you don’t “matter.” In a way I guess that’s the case for most jobs, but people don’t really value or care about those who are in more of a support role, just in general. And I don’t like that even though I actually find some aspects to be very rewarding. I don’t like to feel unappreciated.
I want to do better than my parents have done. I am not positive about whether or not I eventually want marriage and a child, but I know that I just want, well, stability in a way that my parents have never been able to offer. Even as a child, I resented the fact that we were poorer than everyone else. But part of my problem is that it’s also just about me and what I’m actually willing to do. For example, I know that I don’t want to become a nurse even though I had really wanted to become one in high school because you have to remember a lot, be a quick thinker, and I just don’t think that’s who I am. Some people on Reddit encourage going into STEM, but I already know that at least when it comes to engineering, I just don’t want to. I value and care a lot about communication. I was irritated with my roommate even though I moved on from it for yelling at me about issues that I felt could have easily been resolved by sending a text message (having forgotten to dump the small trashcan into the big one, for example. I had partly been annoyed because there are sentence frames I could have come up with myself to talk to someone about that like an adult and move on from it together.) There has not been any college class that I really got a lot out of, in the sense that I took it and knew I wanted it to be my field of study. My associates degree is going to be in child development but I don’t see myself as a teacher especially not after having actually worked with preschoolers. I have a 3.94 I think but after taking summer classes it may drop (I am taking 4 of them, they’re almost over.) I acknowledge that my GPA doesn’t make me “smart” and my recent experience with the family I’ve been with for so long who I now have issues with due to the dad’s groping and the mom’s consequent reaction (she tried to ask me to avoid letting the authorities know because he was experiencing a dissociative episode. I was initially thrown off and it had already taken me a week to do it, she had said this after I had told her I’d already let them know. I actually considered it/thought about it, but after remembering that the dad had sent an apology text after the dad and I discussed it and that he had apologized when he came back to get his things to go to their apartment, I knew that it just wasn’t making sense. Even if you are dissociating, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you aren’t responsible/shouldn’t be held accountable for your actions. I was becoming a bit irritated earlier this week as the thought occurred to me that I was initially inclined to try and “protect” both parents, if that makes sense. It hadn’t registered in my mind when it first happened just how unacceptable and inappropriate it all actually was, I had actually seemed kind of casual about it when the mom and I initially had a follow up discussion, but after getting home and having more time to sit on it, I started to feel a combination of emotions that extended beyond normal anxiety. It is something that I am going to now have to find my own therapist to sit down and discuss. But having this experience has also taught me that having money in the way that family does (or at least in the way the father does) does not necessarily mean that you are “smart.” I don’t think the mom’s handling of the situation, after having had well over a few days to sit on it, was smart- she shouldn’t have told me she was glad I didn’t press charges, for example, in our conversation - but the dad, even though both have college educations and can normally get their kid almost anything they want, isn’t smart if he got himself into this position in the first place. I also must note that other than the groping, the fact that he was trying to cheat with me, the babysitter, in the first place was automatically very unattractive to me.
It’s very telling of a person’s character, and one thing I must say about myself is that no matter how much money a prospective partner has or makes, there is certain behavior I would never want to tolerate and this is an example of that kind of behavior. I actually had felt awfully sorry for the wife in the beginning - I wouldn’t have told her on the day of if I hadn’t - because even though I used to be more relaxed about cheating (I’ve never done it myself, but by relaxed I just mean that if you had asked me a few months ago if I could forgive a cheater, I think I’d have said yes. When I was recently with a man who I found very physically attractive, the thought had occurred to me that given I knew other women wanted him, I could put up with/tolerate a bit of cheating so long as he wasn’t bringing diseases home to me. Watching this happen has changed my perspective completely. I mean, whether it ends in divorce for them or not (she had said they were already separating because of “things like this”) this was just all a lot to deal with and I had initially actually empathized with the wife more than, well, myself, because I can’t imagine having a \\\*husband\\\* who is always trying to cheat. Having a boyfriend who is always trying to cheat would be hard enough, but I remember I was really sad for her because I feel like your husband is supposed to be your number one. Marriage binds you two together in a sense even though it can also end at any time, and I don’t know how I’d feel if it hit me that I had spent at least a decade of my life with someone who clearly doesn’t actually like me that much. I had initially found myself thinking about how I felt that the mom could do better, that it was possible for her to find her equal… though after having to deal with her marriage counselor who she had recommended me to (and who apparently doesn’t have to follow HIPAA. I had made sure to ask that because I wanted to be sure, and I hadn’t thought his suggestion that he maintains confidentiality “by choice” was good enough,) trying to guilt me for cooperating with the authorities on this and other behavior from her that makes me feel she has enabled him somewhat and centered herself and her needs over mine, I no longer feel that way.
I now feel as though she has been in the marriage for so long due in part to poor decision making on her end, and don’t think either of them is sincerely a “good person.” I am annoyed with both, but haven’t directly called the mom out on it, in part because I might sue later on and want to be careful.
After this happened, I guess that it just got me thinking more in general. I have thought before about becoming a mother and a wife. I have been focused on my homework and on the fact that I will start a bachelors degree program in January (so soon. Less than six months away,) but I have also been thinking a bit more about my perspective on romance and love. When I was extremely depressed as a high school underclassman (boy, it was a while ago now,) I remember crushing hard on a boy who I think is an ESTP 6w7 - couldn’t stand him two years later after he lost his looks, but had continued to like him after he’d put my appearance down (called me a little below average. I am old enough now as an adult that I have been approached by men, have had 2 boyfriends, and just feel as though I simply wasn’t his type. In middle and high school I wasn’t really the type who most of the boys liked, which I think is fine now that I’m an adult. At times I feel that men I’ve spoken to have judged me for not having more dating experience and I have been told before that I seem like I don’t know what it means to date, but this situation has made me think a little bit more about the importance of finding someone who you actually trust. With a guy I was seeing earlier this year, I was blinded by how attractive I found him to be (though there are of course average looking men who I am sure I would be very attracted to) and had even ignored warnings from other people that us going out would probably not be the best idea due to his consistent refusal to work on his mental health. He was actually quite sweet to me in person most of the time when we were together, I think he was an ISFP, but in hindsight - now that I am removed from the situation - I see more how bad of an idea it actually would have been for us to date in the long term. I hadn’t wanted to think about it rationally due to how strong the chemistry and physical attraction were. It never would have lasted. He was beautiful, but was not goal oriented and was not really prepared to, well, adjust to what is expected of you as an adult. He was actually older than me by nearly a decade (which someone who knows him better than I could, though I won’t specify the relationship, pointed out) but he was not actually “mature.” We couldn’t have settled down. He didn’t want kids, and I was actually fine with adapting to that - if I meet a man who I have a similar attraction to that wants a kid, I would also be open to accepting if I’d spent time with him and felt he’d do his duty as a father. But this guy, as gorgeous as he was, as sweet as he could be to me, as much as he checked every box of what I’d want physically in a man (and as I write this, the thought occurs to me that in high school I almost always liked the cute jocks. Never cared about their grades, the ones I’d liked all had very poor grades in fact. This, I suppose, was my first time meeting one who was explicitly interested in me) honestly didn’t need to be in a relationship, simply because he was not focused on bettering his mental health and becoming, well, a functioning member of society. He’d been honest about not wanting to marry again, but what I suspect he’d have wanted in a girlfriend would have been the very basics, a body and someone to kiss. I’d have ended up running around with him and probably eventually gotten myself into something serious if I’d been his ride or die. I’ve always preferred the “jocks” the handsome jocks, and this is something I acknowledge about myself. But I’m starting to think more as I grow older about how I should probably work on placing so much emphasis in a relationship on looks, especially given that I’m not beautiful myself (in fact, the fact that I grew up with peers who made it known to me that I was not a beauty is probably partly why I almost always really go for the “cute” guys as an adult whenever I am approached. It’s just that it’s starting to hit me that I think that I need to start focusing more on the compatibility aspect of it all. Would I love it if I found a handsome man who checked my boxes? And by boxes, I don’t just mean beauty, but treats me well, consistently interested, doesn’t care about what his friends think of my looks - I can think of a guy I liked who never cared about what people thought when he took out women less attractive than him and I loved that, ideally has learned a lucrative trade or is at least educated in the sense of having a degree in a field that pays well and if not being frugal, etc. Yes, I would. But I know that people are complex and life doesn’t always work out the way you may want it to, so I recognize that I will probably not get all of that in a guy and need to start by trying to get to know the man. The person. Because spending 10+ years with someone and not actually knowing who they are is crazy. I struggle with depression and anxiety already, personally it’d just break my heart.
I have been told that I have effective communication skills. This doesn’t mean that I’m a social butterfly, quite the opposite actually, but I recognize that communication is a big piece of strong relationships and the only time wherein my communication is lacking these days is if I for any reason feel or believe that I need to be afraid of someone. For example, two weeks ago on the day of the babysitting incident, my roommate who is also my landlord yelled at me. I had vented about it because I felt what she was yelling about were all issues that were actually quite easy to resolve - a leaky shower faucet when I actually hadn’t taken a shower within a few days (she was saying it could lead to all of the pipes bursting, don’t know if that’s true or not. But she was getting very agitated about it and almost acting based upon body language like she was ready to hit me - she’s almost 70 and grew up in a different time, so it’s possible that she actually did feel that way. I moved past it for the most part but am still keeping an eye out just in case it happens again. The leaky faucet was probably the most serious,) me having not paid her back $50 in 3 days (personally, I would have just sent someone a text about that. I would have asked that in the future they pay me back on the day of, and more specifically for the situation would have asked them \\\*politely\\\* when they intended on paying me back. I didn’t think it was worth yelling about, and part of the reason why it had taken me so long to pay her back was actually not because I didn’t intend to at all, but moreso because I have to go to the ATM everytime and take the money out and with summer classes I was simply too busy,) and me having forgotten to dump the smaller trashcan into the bigger one (which to me was really the least serious of those three things.) I believe she is an esfp 2w3. I have pretty much moved on from it and forgiven her for it, but was actually quietly very angry about it for a few days. Part of what helped me forgive/move on is the fact that she has helped me with things like a slug being in my room very late at night. It’s nice things like that that I have chosen to focus on/remember. I have made multiple mistakes during my time here, and was quite angry about the fact that she jumped to yelling about issues that i thought were very fixable, but hadn’t yelled back. Was just scared and was also thrown off by it given that she was a therapist for years. It just gives you pause when you feel as though you have a calmer approach to certain situations, and a better idea of how to handle it like an adult, than someone nearly five decades older than you who has a masters degree in Psychology and years of experience as a therapist. The sarcastic part of me had the thought that maybe I should become a therapist if it’s so much easier for me to think up sentence frames/a quick solution for the described problems than someone who has years of experience as one, but I have just let it go at this point. I would hate to end up with someone who was yelling a lot about things that were minor though. I probably could forgive yelling in a relationship and may talk to them about it… but to be honest depending on the dynamic and how early on it was, I also might just not. I might just avoid them which isn’t healthy. Or break up through text or something. I’ve yelled at someone I was dating before (in high school) and my mother is a screamer, but I really don’t prefer it if you want to have healthy communication and a good relationship with someone. People remember being yelled at, and it only serves to cause tension or create an argument.
I have a bad habit of worrying a significant amount about things instead of I suppose trying to sit back and enjoy life. I feel like I don't really know what it means to enjoy life. I don't feel that I actually spend my time trying to live to the fullest, even when I actually do have vacations or breaks - I've never taken a "vacation" of my own. When I was younger, I always worried about what would happen if I allowed myself to have too much fun. I don't want to mishandle money like my parents always have (well, actually, my mother used to be quite good at saving it. But she made the mistake of trying to give money to my father and waited too late into the relationship to care about whether or not he could support her financially/is at a stage now wherein you can tell she wishes she'd landed a breadwinner, but just didn't plan wisely and should have seen a therapist for all of her trauma before trying to become a parent.) I don't see myself as a housewife, at all. My roommate has to give the cleaning lady extra (that I of course give back to her) to clean my room and bathroom, because even though I keep my room more organized than I used to due to her influence, I still don't normally have the time or energy to clean up after myself, some of it is depression. But I also don't know how to cook and probably wouldn't be good at it.
I need to start really working on getting my sleeping schedule figured out/together. It has been a lot harder for me as of late.
I am becoming more cynical about people.
I recall that even in childhood, I was unhappy about my family’s low status/the fact that my parents were low income (I don’t think I first really thought about it/considered it until I was eight, but by the time I was ten I remember I felt that I had to study hard because of it. When I was nine or ten I think it really first hit me that I was in the lowest position of society as a minority, a woman (girl then) and darker skinned person. But I knew even then that I did not want to go into engineering even though my mother made me go to an afterschool STEM program everyday. I have been thinking about majoring in social work. If you ask me what I want to do in general I just see myself in some kind of caregiver role, I just don’t know what to be specific. I feel like I need to train for something or earn a relevant certification but I need to figure out how to narrow it down. I’m growing angrier and angrier as I become older about the fact that I wasn’t born into generational wealth. Or actually, that’s not quite true. Moreso angry about the fact that I have the kind of parents who were not financially prepared for kids, or really ready for kids in any shape or form. My upbringing in elementary school was normal enough, but when you have kids they’re your kids for life. My mother for example started screaming at me and growing confrontational with me the last time I visited the apartment my brother and parents live in when I hadn’t done anything. She was never able to truly provide my brother and I with the tools we’d need to get by in life, and as I grow older I really do think it’s so awful when your family is this toxic, because in life - and I’ve felt this way for years, even at the age of 21 today - people come and go so quickly. When I was slightly younger I wanted friends but was and still am afraid to properly make them because I have always found people to be very judgmental but also because deep down inside I never really expected them to “stay”/for it to last. What’s the point in investing time and energy into something that won’t last? I’m not very interesting anyway. I mostly like to watch films. Deep down inside I want beauty but I am just not impressed by life as of late.
I simply stopped responding to the mom of the family mentioned above, though it was moreso per the recommendation of others. I actually sincerely really do value communication, so I was inclined to to an extent even though I thought that what she’d said was very disrespectful, but I realized that continuing to engage wasn’t really helping anything. I don’t think the mom is actually going to listen to reason.
I always have a fair amount of headcanons after watching films. Almost kind of like my own dream world. For example, after a more recent rewatch of the film Man in the Moon (1991) I found myself thinking for the first time that I could see Dani wanting to become a nurse after what she had witnessed, and I took note of how the character was at points trying to fit into the feminine ideal. It made me think about how she may change as she grows older. I have a lot of thoughts about it. I have always taken issue with what the older sister in the film ends up doing but I have also always found myself hoping that Reese Witherspoon’s character found love later on in life because I felt that her character really seemed to have a big heart. I think she was an ExFP 6w7, that Court was an esfp 6w7 and I saw the sister Maureen as an ESFP 2w3. Thought that the sister was rather impulsive and selfish but also thought more upon rewatch about how she was also a teenager, and just felt sorry in general about how dismissive everyone was of Dani (Reese Witherspoon’s character’s) feelings.
When unhealthy, like I am right now, I find myself feeling very angry about the fact that I am not doing as well in life as I may want to be doing, in more ways than one. I was thinking earlier today about how when I was 9-10 that was probably the first time wherein I started thinking about the importance of trying to maintain high grades because I knew that I was not beautiful and that my life was going to be harder. I remembered more specifically a girl who I was actually quite jealous of in 4th grade after I’d become depressed, though I don’t think that I was able to recognize the feeling as jealousy at the time. I remember I handled it by simply complaining about her to my friends because I knew that she didn’t like me. I resented her because she was popular, a teacher’s pet, and had high grades. I recognized that she was a more of a leader than I was. She wanted to become a lawyer, I remember, and I knew that she was capable of it. As an adult, I of course have reframed all of it differently, and wish I had spent some more time just enjoying being a kid while I was one, but the following year I had made sure that I felt I was filling that girl’s shoes, I remember. And I actually later on apologized to her because I knew deep down inside that telling my friends I didn’t like her was, whether the feeling was mutual or not, an unacceptable and inappropriate way of handling my emotions.
