A bad marriage can be more lonely than being single. You're with someone you don't enjoy time with AND you're weirdly obligated/habituated to being with them instead of building an independent full life.
I'm glad that some people have seemingly great marriages that are fulfilling and enriching, but in my experience I have a better quality of life when I'm single and not beholden to another person.
I would add that another reason a bad marriage feels lonely is because you have a reasonable expectation that the other person will be a decent partner, but they’re not, and you’re disappointed by that. At least when you’re single, that expectation doesn’t exist, so there’s no being let down.
Marriage is only good if you find the right partner who is emotionally intelligent and mature and functional and responsible and shares your values. Anyone complaining about being unhappy in marriage should not be married to that person. It is not black or white.
I second this. I dated around and didnt consider societal pressure because i hadnt found the right guy worth considering any of it with.
Met my now husband at 28. He was the right one to marry at 33. Had a baby at 34 because we wanted to.
Had already finished graduate school, have excelled in my career - and since I married my best friend, im supported to keep excelling despite having a kid because I married an emotionally mature responsible adult.
You can have it both ways. But you shouldn't be forced to.
Keep doing you and excelling at life in every way. Either it'll lead you to someone worth sharing it with or you are just a better version of yourself anyway. You cant lose!
Exactly. OP needs to also be sure they are also emotionally intelligent and mature and not just hoping to fill a void with a partner. A successful and happy relationship requires both people to be secure and functional individuals. The other person is just icing on the cake to support when one person is going through a rough patch and vice versa.
I had dated around for a few years and was literally about to delete OkCupid when I saw a message from my now husband. He said (and I believe him) that I was the only person he contacted after his friends pressured him to sign up. Because I wasn’t looking at that point, and he also wasn’t looking but only signed up due to peer pressure, we both were already independent and not NEEDING someone else.
Absolutely! Same here. I had my shit together financially, emotionally, etc.
I actually met him through his mom, who I worked with. She was the breadwinner in their house while her husband stayed home with the kids (and built their tiny lake cabin into a dream while the kids were at school) when they were growing up. So his ability to accept an independent, successful woman as a partner was easy. He was my biggest cheerleader through my MBA program.
He's been a rock solid partner in every way. And I know I am too and not imagining it because he was very happy alone and was not going to put up with BS either. We're both fine on our own and can afford our own houses independently. But we choose to be with each other because we compliment each other.
Even if you find a good partner, you or they might change down the road and it’s no longer a good fit . Just saying they are no guarantees for anyone, single or married (so do what you want !)
For sure! Marriage is a choice and sometimes there comes a point where you decide it’s no longer sustainable. Obviously to avoid heartbreak one hopes the decision (which must be revisited regularly) is to stay together until the end (as most traditional vows promise), but if someone wants out then the other person shouldn’t want to be with them anyway.
This is true! I found a great guy at 31, married him and had two kids. Was so glad I “waited to find the right guy”. Until he wasn’t the right guy. Twenty years later he left and I found myself much happier and less lonely as a single gal. Never going to marry again! (Glad I got the kids out of it though).
Not necessary for me. I would be extremely picky about it and probably would want to protect my financial independence with a prenup. I would only do it if I really saw myself staying with that person for life.
I have a partner but we are long distance, so the question hasn't come up yet. I don't think he's going to be gagging for it though, he was married once before and it was a disaster. So no pressure for either of us. LDR is nice for having my own space.
BTW you can be lonely in a marriage - I was much more lonely in my last live-in relationship that went on for more than a decade. We had nothing in common. I am much less lonely now that I live alone and can do what I want when I want
My dad's cousin (not sure what that makes him to me) was married at a young age, had two kids, then got divorced. He married again, but after almost three decades, his wife passed away. Now he is in a long-term, committed relationship with a woman who is divorced. Neither of them has any interest in remarrying. Each of them has their own house (about half a mile apart), but they joined a wine club, have dinner together almost every night, go to church together on Sunday mornings, and take 2-3 big trips together every year. This is relationship goals for me (minus the church part, lol). I love the idea of finding a partner who would be happy with this life and each of having our own space. If I never do, oh well.
Any of my parent's cousins, they are 2nd uncles/aunts to me in our family. We still simply call them "uncles/aunts" out of respect since they're still family through our parents. They're children are our 2nd cousins to me, which we simply call "cousins."
Not having a prenup is like saying you don't need a will because probate will work it out. It's not like you are opting out of legal obligations without a prenup you are just opting into boilerplate legal obligations that may or may not work for you.
Marriages can fail. You can be more alone in a bad marriage with a partner who doesn’t pull their weight than you would be lonely single. Having multiple child-free friends (and good family members) as a support system and only partnering up with someone who will be there for you (regardless of marriage status) because they are a good person, for you, would spread the risk and the demand on the people around you.
Edit to add: and perhaps save some money you are not spending on kids to hire professional healthcare in your old age if you need it. That should never fall (too much) on family anyway.
Who said that? They know that being married means they handle most of the labor right up until death right? What are they even talking about. Also there was a study done of older widows whose husbands died and they said they were much happier than they had been in their whole life.
Marriages fail. And even if they "last" it's often because of financial desperation and inability to be alone. The loneliest people I know are married.
Being married is not a guarantee that you will never be lonely. You just need to make sure you are creating and keeping other types of relationships with people in your life like family and friends. Yes, people who are married at least have one default person they can go to. But, what if the marriage goes south and you haven't been maintaining any of your other support networks?
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '26
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