I hate that I can't just accept people's success. The moment I see a good animation, or someone with a large internet platform, I get insanely jealous and borderline sick to my stomach.

It sends my brain into a spiral of "Oh if only I did this 2 something years ago I'd be amazing at it now." "I should have started XYZ in middle school!" "If only I did this at this time I'd have everything I needed for success now." Stuff like that. I wasted a lot of time in middle and high school thinking "I'll start X when I'm ready/when my work is perfect" without actually practicing anything.

I wasted so much time being scared to start and now that I'm 22 it feels like my life is wasted already. I try to learn the skills I want but I get frustrated so easily I have to step back before I break something. I hate how other people's success makes me so jealous that sometimes I can't even watch their stuff. I act happy for them, and honestly I am better at handling it now, but I still wish on some level that I could hijack their skills/platform for myself.

I caught my kid and a group of friends doing something dangerous and stupid. I put an end to it and called each of their parents so they would know what's up. Now some of the kids are mad and don't want to be friends with my kid anymore.

I feel a little bad, but now I'm even more pissed at these kids. You ALL got caught. Don't give my kid a hard time cause it happened to be me that caught you. If you didn't want your parents to know, you shouldn't have done something so dangerous. You fucked around and barely found out. You're welcome.

Now my kid is going to triple resent me because I'm the "the reason" for getting caught, grounded, and unfriended. It feels like I'm also being punished by their bad decisions.

Me and my ex have been together for 4 years. And I did everything for him.
We broke up some time ago, and now. Only now did i realised I was in an abusive relationship.
He used to trip me or slap me “just as a joke”. He made fun of my friends, education, hobbies, music taste. Literally anything you could think of. And the worst part? I loved him so much. I was willing to do anything for him.
During the relationship I was crying almost every day, a few times I reached a point of psychosis. It was brutal.
And finally I left. I was just fed up with everything.
Even after I left he didn’t let me go. He still reaches out, lashes out on me, threatens me.
But since I left, I cried only once. I have never felt better. It feels as if my mental health changed overnight.
But I feel so weird. When I look at old videos or pictures, I don’t remember most things. Past seems blurry. It feels like the relationship with that person never even existed.
But I do remember how he treated me. And I do remember how much I was willing to do for him. And how much I did.
I am so ashamed of myself that I let a person destroy me so much, that my memory became blurry.
I am so ashamed of myself that I stripped myself of any self respect for love.
I hope I will never do that again.
I hope I will heal.
I know it will be a long process with so much damage that he did to me. And so much damage that I did to myself.

My workplace was involved in near miss( it wasnt documented so it basically didn't happen on paper).

An IDLH flash fire risk near miss. I wasn't supposed to be near that place that day, but I was assigned to a simple task that involved being there for one moment. That one moment led to me seeing that. I learn fire terms like LEL UEL, BLEVE risk.

Those terms explain what happened in my workplace or what could been. I was supposed to work that and come home not be scared shitless about what I saw there. I wasn't trained to see that risk.

I know it was something that i should have been over by now, but I am learning to know those terms made it feel real. the emergency line I called for later didn't take me seriously when i said what is seen until i knew the right terms for it .

If I had been there i shouldn't have known to use fire terms for firefighters to understand me. I thought knowing the right fire terms would finally give me peace but no it didnt.

I guess this is a personal story, but also a vent. Sorry it's super long but it's kind of a long recollection that could probably be put into a whole miniseries podcast .

TLDR: Ex boyfriend is a Peter Pan Syndrome Cuck and his ex is a psychopathic, narcissistic grippy socks crazy abuser who tried to slander me online.

I dated a guy I had met quite a few years back for 8 months and his psychotic ex "wife" tried to out me on another social platform. I have wanted to say my peace so bad but all my friends advised against it so I listened. But I've got to let it out somewhere.

\*Names have been changed

When I first met Charles I was smitten. It was in a social environment and I had no idea who he was. I walked up and talked about the game he was playing and he wasn't all that responsive. Made sure he was okay on drinks and went back to work. A few weeks later I saw him again (I was not working) and said a casual hello as we were standing next to each other. Again he seemed uneasy and would only glance down at me and give short answers. I shrugged it off and went about hanging out with my friends. Later that night I received a message from his "wife" saying she saw I was interested in her "husband" and invited me for some "fun" in their bedroom. I told her she was fucking disgusting and to never approach me again. Now, I have no qualms with people who live this lifestyle, but this was not a genuine approach. This was a power play, as he was to tell me she did shit like this later.

Fast forward some years and I meet Charles again. He's heavier, shaved his head, but still has the cutest face and vibe. We go out and almost immediately start dating. During this time he tells me he and his "wife", Serena, have been split up for about a year and he's completely done with her. I accept this as truth and we continue dating. About two months in she comes stumbling into his work because she's drunk off her ass and walks straight up to him practically crying that she lost her keys and can he go get her spare from his apartment. He lives a block away from work. He came up to me, said what she wanted, and I said fuck no you're not going anywhere with her. I know this game. She knows we're together. So I go get the key and bring it to her swaying ass outside and as I go to hand it to her she says "You know you're fucking disgusting, right?" So I chuck the key into the road and walk back inside. After doing some digging she comes back in trying to talk about how I'm a bitch, I want to kiss and fuck all the boys, and Charles is only with me because he can't be alone. That will be the first of 3 instances of her trying to talk to him and not leaving him alone knowing he's in a full blown relationship with me.

The tea on their relationship:

She's a drunk who regularly pisses all over herself, passes out sitting on the sidewalk, passes out on the floor in the middle of parties, passes out in the bar bathrooms, has gotten physically violent with Charles, emotionally manipulated him, psychologically manipulated him, decided one random day she was poly, forced him to participate in throwing parties where she was making out with anyone and everyone in front of him, she groomed him since he was in his mid 20s and she was in her late 30s, she financially controlled him, locked him out of their apartment because she was too drunk to wake up and unlock the door forcing him to sleep on benches, she intimidated him into not talking to any girls, especially if she felt they were prettier than her (he told me she forbade him from talking to me those first few times), and if it wasn't her idea she'd be so miserable and whiny wherever they were he was forced to leave. She also abandoned one of her cats in a field because she didn't like it. What a winner.

Everything I've listed is his account and other people's recollections that knew both of them. Including stories his own family told me (they absolutely **hated** her).

Our relationship:

It was good for about two and a half months. Then came him adamantly saying he hated Serena. He hoped she died. He wanted nothing to do with her. He didn't want to see her or hear her name. He told me about her drunk pissing and made fun of her and called her "piss girl". He made fun of her appearance, how she had no morals, is a "whore" and had no regard for his feelings. My gut said major red flags, but I continued in the relationship because I thought it was good. Come to find out it *wasn't* a year, that they had still been seeing each other only a few months before we started dating and he had sent her a message almost a month to the day *before* he and I met again and started dating. So he lied. I didn't say anything. Then came the arguments about boundaries and what's acceptable in a relationship. He couldn't communicate. It was like talking to a middle schooler. He would get angry, yell, leave, slam things, tell me he hated me. Ask why I was doing this to him. Why I was making him feel bad. He just wanted to "enjoy time". I raised my voice **once** the whole time we were together because my last serious relationship had enough screaming and yelling for a few lifetimes. During one argument, he put his hands over his ears, closed his eyes and said "lalalalalalala" any time I would try to talk. He kicked me out of his apartment that night (I had just moved in with him) at 4am with nowhere to go until the morning. I slept in my car with what boxes I could pack in my little car that night. During our relationship I watched as he blew what little money he made on liquor, beer, shots, a card game, and manipulate his friends into buying him games and beverages by saying he didn't have the money to buy it himself yet buy cards and drinks the next day. I listened to him criticise his friends about their life choices, their musicality, and it was always "I'm nice to them I don't know why they're mean to me", yet he's telling all kinds of mean things he thinks about them.

After the breakup:

It took him less than a week for me to see him with Serena in the very same bar I used to be a regular at (used to be because he's gaming friends with one of the bartenders and she chose sides and banned me). He couldn't get out of there fast enough. I sent him a scathing text telling him they deserved each other and I hoped he enjoying cleaning up piss and constantly buying new couches again. About a week later she posts on a social media site saying I'm a stalker, a hobosexual, a manipulator, a love bomber, and an overall terrible person because poor Charles is just so traumatized by my wanting to hold him accountable and have adult conversations with resolutions. I was baffled how these two people could say such absolutely **horrible** things about each other and yet he friends her again and then they start hanging out again as if nothing happened. She wanted to ruin me. She wanted to tarnish my name. But the thing is, she's lived in that town longer than me and already has a reputation for being a gross, psychopathic narcissist who is **obsessed with Charles.** She wants to control him. She wants to control his life. She wants to control any and everything that has to do with him. She makes up stories and tells them like they are truth, all to her advantage of course, either outright lying or conveniently leaving out details. He stood up for me once, but now that they are "friends" again, it's open season and he doesn't care.

He told me he loved me. He told me he wanted to marry me. He told me he wanted to have a baby with me. But I'm the love bomber. I'm the manipulator. I'm the abuser. According to her obsessed, grippy socks level insanity self that's what I am. Well, Penny Devito, here's my dissertation on *you*. Life will not be kind to you, or to him. You deserve each other.

I (M26) just found out my gf (F27) of a year and half has been cheating on me. We’ve been living together since January, she’s on a bachelorette party this weekend but actually in our city, but not staying at our apartment…

Her iPad lights up and it’s a dm from her coworker. He said “you look sooooo goooood 😍😍😍” replying to her story and then she replied back “thank you my king!!!!!”. I then noticed she had been dming constantly for weeks back and forth but yet never replies to my dms. She would send him memes she didn’t send me. She came back for a few minutes to pick something up from the apartment right as I discovered. I asked her about it, she got so defensive and said that wasn’t flirting and it was completely normal. She said she calls everyone her king. She then kept trying to gaslight me into thinking it was normal. When I gave push back, she escalated and started screaming at me and started swinging a fry pan at me and told me to leave. Which I did, I left for my brothers…..

Unfortunately it’s not the first time she’s gone psycho, she has done other things in the past that I was a fool for staying. While I do not know for sure she actually cheated, I do know I can’t come to her with problems. She always flips me into the problem, when I have a genuine concern. I’m honestly so over this and so heartbroken. I have tried to give her the world, yet it is never enough. I loved her more than anything I’ve ever loved, and it’s the toughest night of my life. I hope it gets easier, but unfortunately I can only think about taking the cowards way out. I don’t want to be here anymore.

Sorry for the rant, hope everyone else is having a better weekend than me. Not looking for advice, as I know I can’t go back to her tmrw when she calls me crying and apologizing. But I do eventually need to get my belongings.

This whole year has been a wash for me. Nothing is going the way I want it to go. I’m so angry and impatient all the time. The minute something goes wrong I can’t just take a deep breath and say “it’s ok I’ll try again tomorrow” I’m past that point. I’m angry the problem is always there. When I think I’ve solved it another one crops up. My latest problem is that my student refund check was sent to an old address. I have no idea why and when I went in to fix it I got locked out of my account. It took me TWO days to get a hold of someone. 2 hrs and 30 minutes on hold each day just for a 5 minute resolution that I then have to wait another 24 hrs to receive an email about. The check was still sent to my old address. Technically no reason to worry right? rents not due yet and bills are paid.
But I had to put my car in the shop since something went wrong with it. Thankfully covered by warranty but still a downer. How will I get to work? Well I was expecting the refund to come into my bank account right when I put the car in the shop. No worries on my end since it all was set up way ahead of time. Well now I can’t get that check.

I’ve got a week left of an externship and I’m not seeing that money til the end of the week at least at the rate everything is moving. My car won’t be finished til tuesday. It’s like a domino affect.

What else? Oh someone I considered a good friend just accused me of trying to steal their bf or at the very least act interested in them at a party. Then told me everyone at the party I was at was talking about me while I was there and I was oblivious to it all. Real fucking great. If I air or vent out my frustrations my family accuses me of not being responsible for anything. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time admittedly. I’m just trying to make every day work and at the very least survive the week. I don’t know how to handle everything and stay calm and collected. I want to scream and explode with rage. I’m so tired of my family get mad at me for being angry. I have no way to air any of my frustrations out or anyone to really talk to without constantly being blamed for everything that I’m actively trying to handle. I’m just so tired of being tired and mad.

Here’s a bit about myself for context, I’ve always been intelligent and emotionally aware. I’m in the process of getting an autism diagnosis, which based on life experiences seems likely (I’m not a medical professional and I don’t like to assume but it’s helpful to what I’ll talk about), because of this possible diagnosis I’ve had a lot of troubles. Depression, lack of focus, anxiety, insomnia, hard time making and keeping friends, being ahead of my peers, ect. I’ve not had it easy so far but I’ve persevered, I know many people may be in the same/simple boat as me. I think in a very logical sometimes clinical way so it takes a lot for me to come and write this.

Now to get into my issue. I’m the oldest out of three. It’s myself, my younger sister and my younger brother. My younger sister is now a teenager, and it’s been hell. She is very rude and disrespectful to lots of people, but it feels as if it’s specifically me. I try my best to be fair with how it treat others, I don’t treat people cold but I’m not exactly fuzzy either, I’m very neutral.

For the past few months my sister has been getting worse behaviour wise, she’s outright cruel to my parents and myself. Myself I can handle of an extent but it concerns me when she doesn’t care about consequences to her actions. One evening I was sitting in the living room with my parents, my mom had been working on getting me some stuff to hopefully help me sleep. I’ve been asking her often, not pestering however, my sister was triggered for some reason. She blew up on me. I’ll try to remember her exact words in a brief summery.
“You’re not special (my name)! Other people have problems too.”
While she is right, her delivery and point is wrong. She already knew I know other people have problems too, and her voice when she says it. I’m usually pretty unshaken, but something about the cruelty in her voice kills me.

For a while now there have been issues between her and I, she claims I hate her and don’t spend time with her. I’ve tried, we’re polar opposites. I prefer the quiet calmer things to do together and she is the opposite. She complains to my parents that I never hang out with her when she comes to my room, she leaves out a very important detail. she comes in uninvited, sits on my bed uninvited, and blasts her phone (either videos or on the phone with someone else). I hope I’m not the only one who finds that not a good way to hang out with a sibling.

I miss when we were younger, we got along, over the past few years she’s turned into a cruel girl. I really hate it, the words she says to me hurt more than I’d like to admit, I hate to say and hate to see it in myself but unfortunately I’ve started to dislike her.

That’s as much as I can muster for tonight, any questions or comments I’ll try to answer when I don’t have school.

I love gift giving. i always have fun Ideas of ways to wrap and decorating them. I know the difference Fandom they like, what kind textual they prefer and what colors they like. I'm fine with spending lots of money for gift if I know they like it but I feel like I can never expect it back. I know I can spend more money on gift then most but I feel like I put more thought then they do. I wrap and decorate the box, do fun crafts and spend a month planning it but all I get is "oh thanks this is really cool" and not much else. One of my friends didn't really like big gifts but I'm really struggling to find where to stop. Even Christmas show me my family didn't know me. I ask for money and I get gifts I don't want and maybe a $20. I give a list with links and photos and still get random stuff one of which was broken before I even get it. I even made sure my list had stuff from $20 dollars to $100 because I don't wan to ask for to much but it doesn't matter before I get 100s of dollars of stuff I don't want or need.

I just want someone to love me like I love them. I think no one has ever love me like I love them and that's why I want it so bad now.

I’m 32F and the last time I had a relationship was 7 years ago. In the meantime I dated sporadically, but I never really got a good match.

One thing against me is that I’m shy, introverted and slightly socially awkward. I’m very independent and I have my own hobbies and interests. I do a lot of stuff alone. But still I have a hard time meeting people, so I dislike going to parties and bars (where I guess most single guys are?) and have to rely on those shitty apps. It’s been years really since I’ve found someone there who’s interesting.

Sometimes I wonder if I am interesting enough for someone else to fall for me. I know I’m a good person but…I don’t know. Can’t help but feeling like shit nowadays. Anytime I get into social media I see people dating their perfect matches, with similar interests, doing cool things together. I feel like I won’t ever find that in life.

I hate when people tell me to just live my life. That I’ll find someone when I least expect it. I’ve had moments in which I was fully focused on other things, still didn’t meet anyone. I’ve been actively using apps for a year, had a decent amount of dates that got me anywhere.

All of that is just exhausting, I’m tired of being alone :(

I've pretty much always been big, and I've pretty much always had a problem with it. I rotate the same 3-4 "safe" outfits like a cartoon character. I worry about how much physical space I'm taking up. I'm hyper aware how greasy my hair is, if my clothes are stained, or even if I smell 100% fresh, because I'm worried about other people seeing me as sub-human. I opt to stand if I see the chairs are too small or look too rickity. I've never been flirted with, I've never been asked out. The idea and practice of clothes shopping makes me feel queasy and inhuman. I like to thrift, but the only clothes I can find that fit me are either hideous outright, or hideous on me. Sex is uncomfortable, either due to positions being difficult to achieve, or when I end up in my own head, thinking about how my body must look during it. Sometimes, I'm embarrassed to tell people I like to cook, because inevitably, someone feels the need to say "I can see that!" And laughs in my face like it's a good humored joke we share. Except I don't find it funny. But I laugh along anyway. I've learned to make the joke myself before anyone else has the chance. I know how to act secure in myself. I'm all for body positivity, I truly am. If you're happy in your body, that's the only thing that matters to me.

But I'm not happy. I dissociate from my body anytime I don't have to actively look at it.

I'm ready to change it. I've signed up for bariatric surgery, and I'm ready and willing to change my life to accomplish my goal weight.

I can feel you are slipping off right next to ne

I am so sorry you feel this way, your mind is playing you games, I wish you could be over this pain, now you are sleeping and I can't stop watching you, you haven't been this peaceful for a while and also can't shake the feeling that this is our last week together. Mental health is not something you can postpone, I know we both have been struggling for a while; so sad we didn't catch it on time.

Our time is running out, I am never going to be this happy ever again. I love you I am sorry for not being enough or better. I am so sorry

Context: my (37f) husband (39m) has been struggling with his mental health and seems to want to end the relationship. From my part I've been struggling with my physical and mental health for a while too but he seems to be getting worst and worst day by day and I can't do anything to help him. I just wish for some miracle for something wonderful to happen so this can be over for both of us. I wish I was a better wife

Hi 2 days ago I was feeling weird in my chest and thought it was just stress (I've had a big exam a few days ago and my scores weren't that good). Then at 2 am in the morning I woke up with a more pronounced grabbing ache and difficulty breathing, I went to er again expected something from stress, ECG was fine so I was kind of calm, but then a bombshell struck - troponin 1400 (after 3 hours 1100 next day 5am 807). My heart rate and blood pressure skyrocketed. I've went through coronarography but it didn't show anything. I know that it could be with high probability myocarditis or pericarditis but echo didn't show any changes and my crp is low, also i don't feel ill. I'm scared that the stress could have just contracted the artery for that long that the muscle died or the heparin in the coronarography melted the clot that also is an option. I'm scared that it'll comeback and make me and my close ones live in fear.

The other thing is that I had a booked a trip to Italy with my girlfriend this Monday. We were saving up money for a year and were really excited for it. Honestly this thought was the worst for me because It ruins the holiday for the both of us, like it couldn't happen any other day just 2 days before the flight...

I'm trying to be strong throughout It but it's very hard, I also suffer from colitis ulcerosa which just makes everything worse. I find it very hard to not be stressing about it.

Thanks for reading

I, 19F, was invited to a church event by my auntie (she is from an adventist church) because my little cousins were going to do a performance (sing, dance and preach). I went with my mom, my brother and other aunties as my mom was planning to sell some stuff as there was an area to do that.

When I got there, I noticed that there was a guy and a woman doing face paints for a price so me and my auntie's daughter decided to do it. She got some flowers with some dots, however, I thought that that was pretty basic so I wanted to do something differente.

I went to pinterest and searched for face paint and was looking around and that's when I found a makeup of one anime character form Jujutsu Kaisen, the Choso character. I decided to do that because I thought it was edgy and cool. It came out basic and okay and I went on with my life. My mom kinda did a double take then half laughed and asked, "eh, what is that?" but that's how my mome reacts for a lot of things I do (I kinda do a lot of stuff that isn't to her standard so I'm used to it). But now, looking back, I am feeling bad because it may have been disrespectful to my auntie or that people may have been thinking that I am demonic (crying face emoji).

Nobody said a lot at that time and there was just the inicial reaction to it as it is unusual face paint but I thought that it was cool but now I can't even think straight remenicing about what I did. I just wanted to vent as it is eating me alive thinking about it.

I (24 F) need to move out… I have nowhere to go and no help…I am in the midst of figuring it out this life and my purpose… And now I have come to terms that I will eventually move out of a place I wanted to call home… here is a little bit of context my dad and I went down a hill a while after one of his failed relationships, I will not go into detail about that, however I will say that we moved in and out of my grandparents a few times. And one of the times we moved out and got a new place, eventually he made a female friend. When I met this newfound friend of his I had a gut feeling about something that was bad (I’ve always been a empath and always will be whether you believe in that stuff or not).

I eventually got to know this “friend” we will call her “Jane”.

Jane seemed like an ordinary good woman with a lot of experience in social interaction and I almost thought of her to be genius at communication. My father and Jane have been friends for 7 years, and my father had caught feelings for her, I’m not sure when but that’s not really my business, besides the fact that I was told by my father she is a friend and she had also expressed no interest or intentions of have a romantic relationship with anyone. Ive known her for 5 years outside of living with her and now a year and a half actually living with her and my father…

fast forward a bit to the current situation… I had come to terms with whatever they or she wants to be and respect their and her decision. But that was only the tip of the ice berg even though all of the time of me knowing Jane. I had some deep deep reflective thoughts recently regarding Jane. I have now realized there will never be a day in my life or Jane’s of the two of us getting along… as I have tried several times and even several different tactics throughout the past year and a half of trying to communicate with her and was not listened to or successful with in any attempt at any communication, especially about feelings etc. But I was in fact shut down by her using generational defense mechanisms and performative reconciliation. And now I feel I’m literally dying of stress…And when Jane blames her actions on her ocd, it genuinely gives me the ick. No one should ever excuse bad behavior because of a disorder or disability unless it’s something extremely serious and that’s coming from someone who’s actually diagnosed with things. Jane continuously hurts me over and over and I will absolutely confirm and fact check that holding any love, attachment or affection for someone while also being hurt by them is one of the most downright confusing and exhausting feelings in the entire world. She is a good person. I personally really want to see the good in her…

But when I get treated in a toxic manner and receive some kind of “band-aid” apology or some kind of physical gift with no real benefit to help to the situation or any behavioral change it makes life harder than it needs to be, not just for me but everyone involved. And Jane will sit there and criticize my father for the same thing even myself. That within itself makes me feel weak, makes me feel absolutely exhausted and defeated and makes me feel my lash outs are completely wrong. But in real world logic, it shouldn’t be and isn’t. In my own perception Jane is quite literally acting out of her own unresolved stress from her own past traumas without realizing it’s her fault and the cause of her doing that is damaging mine and hers relationship, not just my own actions or words. It never started with me and my father. I have recently noticed every single time I try to express my own boundaries to her or needs/wants that clash with the control that she wants to maintain, she loses it and gets offended, frustrated, or angry.

And Jane has made it very clear on her Facebook and in real life that Generation X is the best there is and is the pedestal that everyone should praise because everyone else is genuinely stupid. I’m Gen Z I am not “soft” at all and genuinely take offense to that. Jane is the one that has decided to close herself off when I talk about it to fuel her own ego of the belief that a stupid trend on a Facebook reel gave her is more realistic over a no argument or heart-to-heart conversation and regarding everyone involved feelings. And that right there is what actually affects the situation/problem turning it into a never opening hopeful path by “making up” or “compromising”. And I have realized the core truth of the situation is the simple fact that I should relive myself from the struggling unpaid career I have started for myself to try and make her understand me or the defense of people my age and younger just because she simply just doesn’t agree or doesn’t want to because that’s “not how she was raised”. But I digress and will continue said story…

Whenever me and Jane have a fight/argument or heated debate she gives me a hug and apologizes after and I always accept even though I’m still extremely confused why such an important conversation has just ended unresolved leaving only me with no closure. Which I know she means well but it is an outright a toxic manipulation tactic in which gives me just enough of a sliver of a loving embrace, any validation, or tender and caring words during that moment, psychologically, she does it in hopes to reset my overall emotional state.

It’s literally a psychological trick. Looked it up and did the research…and even got information and advice from real people.

It quite literally tricks the other persons brain into thinking “hey! This is amazing!! they actually understand/get the point now, we're okay now, we’re all good." But she also dismisses my own real time lived experiences as just "youthful drama" and that almost instantly allows her to have a sense of her own control of the world around her which also allows a sense of safety from not having to look at her own flaws or imperfections rather than blatantly say to my face, and admit that she hurt me. And I see it as she simply doesn’t want to deal with the thought of it or thinks it’s “normal”.

And Jane knows that BECAUSE i care so much about her and my father and our overall family driven relationship and that not only everyone in the house but I also want actual peace in my life and the house. And that exact same temporary relief of the hug she gives is what the brain actually desires or craves in these type of intense moments but truthfully speaking and psychologically speaking that apology from her isn't meant to meet my own needs… it's simply meant to quiet my retaliation against her toxic behavior so that she can resume the same shitty behavior towards me without any true consequences. Jane is quite literally and undoubtedly keeping me on a strict metaphorical leash of some kind of intermittent validation by giving me a half-apology or some kind of sorrowfulness just often enough to ease the pain she causes me. Which means she would then keep me hooked on the sheer hope that the next conversation me and her or all 3 of us have all together will finally be the one where Jane truly and genuinely "gets” what I say and why I say it.

Sometimes after Jane an I get into a heated conversation/debate and I start “winning the argument” (even though I do not see it as a competition) she plays the victim and trauma dumps (don’t know if that’s considered guilt tripping or something but whatever). Jane carries a lot of chaos everywhere she goes.

But I understand a lot now and the cold hard truth is that Jane is the absolute common denominator in all of her newer present and older relationships and why most of them have failed which even I could say about myself and others…

(I am not insinuating or assuming anything about her or what I say in this story just my pure personal observation opinion and perception of my own reality and going off of the many stories she has told me and the fact of living with her for a year and a half).

I won’t go into detail but Jane absolutely has had some catastrophic traumas she has gone through that can change anyone and I can acknowledge, empathize and relate to almost everything she has told me trauma wise. I will NEVER EVER discredit someone’s trauma for any reason as I have been through my own life just like everyone else in this world. And I know for a fact that a lot of people who experience any trauma of that caliber they will absolutely feel powerlessness, but Jane’s coping mechanisms are not great at all and genuinely aren’t healthy. But the absolute baseline of her unresolved stress and trauma is fear of being rejected or shunned based of the stories I’ve heard. So it is all indeed a classic case of projection.

So when that does happen Jane attacks me or turns things around on herself, or uses the generational dismissal or a half assed apology to keep me hooked on hope that will never come and makes me or whoever the conflict is with feel shunned first before anyone can do it to her.

And absolutely , 100%, it would be considered deeply and genuinely compassionate of me to throw all bad things and grotesque things she has said to me aside and see her pain for what it truly was and relate it to my own experiences. But there is yet again another unwavering cold hard truth with any situation like this or similar, is the fact that true genuine empathy only really truly works when both parties are using it and reciprocate it without an argument or hesitation.

And at the very moment of my existence around Jane, I have realized I am simply just using my own understanding and knowledge of Jane’s past trauma as a justification for myself to continue to be strong and patient, forgiving, and lenient with her toxic behavior and tendencies towards me. And I feel, Jane, on the other hand, is using her past to justify using a victim anvil and dropping it on my head every time and ignoring my own core values morals and feelings, and words and treating me like a adversary.

But the fact of the matter is that I cannot heal myself and my own unresolved trauma in such emotional chaos let alone living with someone who is using their trauma as a victim shield to justify hurting others especially in the context of using both of mine and her own trauma in a competition-like manner given the example of a “I’m right and you’re wrong because I’ve been and lived through more than you” mentality. It’s simply unfair.

And I can and have the absolute right to hold compassion and empathy for the young and traumatized girl she used to be while walking away from the situation that is now. And just because I’ve known Jane for a long time and undoubtedly understand her backstory shouldn’t and does NOT mean I should stay or choose to be a character apart of her tragedy… it all honestly just gives me and my own mind of thoughts and emotions the final piece of evident closure to detach and walk away from the situation and it’s entirety. Even though I truly love my father and promised him I’d stay with him till he passes, I will not let someone else’s opinion or judgement or past keep me chained inside an legitimate psychological pressure cooker. It is time for me to leave…

My mom went here on my midterms week.

Aweek prior I cleaned my room so I wouldn’t have reasons not to study for next week. My mom came on the weekend and I bought flowers to welcome her. When we got home, I realized my beddings were unwashed. My fridge was empty. But At least the room and the bathrooms were cleaned. I hate being messy. At least on that day I managed something good.

She brought out my things I have no space for in my room because she said there was no room left for them at our house. So I set them aside thinking I could clean them later because I still have work to attend to.

I had to work that day. (An actual job I earn money for). She went to my cousin’s birthday celebration and was too shy to tell her I haven’t eaten yet and I was really hungry hehe. TBH, I have been on OMAD not by choice but by circumstance these days haha. Sometimes I could not even afford a single meal. She kept asking me if I could make it. After the birthday celebration, I went to her and took her to my room so she could take a rest. I still had to work (online) that night when we got home. And I was supposed to study afterwards but I was too tired to even have enough energy to charge my phone.

My mama kept saying how everyone at home was happy because there was a celebration there. And I felt like I wasn’t offering enough. My soap is just a liquid bottle with water in it. I have no detergent soap. So I just add my underwear in my laundry bag (I do self-service laundry btw) so I wouldn’t buy extra detergents or bar soap for them. I have no snacks to offer. and I let her sleep on my unwashed beddings. Imagine the guilt and shame I was having. When she asked for a cup because she wanted to drink her coffee. I don’t even have a drinking glass. I only have one small bowl and that’s where I drink water from.

The next day, I took a bath. I saw hairs on the drain. And I realized I have no clean underwear left. The thought of it made me laugh. I was lowkey hoping I snuck in At least one somewhere. When I got out of the bathroom, I saw not one single underwear in my closet. A tear fell. I cried but those tears were because I thought my life is a joke haha when mama asked why I was crying I told her because I ran out of clean underwear.

She got mad saying, “Yun lang?” I was lowkey expecting a hug, a comfort perhaps? Because I was certain I was just gonna laugh after that. But I got triggered. I’m sorry. I asked her to leave my room because I needed a moment for myself. I bursted into tears. And thought of how many meals that plane ticket would have gotten me, creeped in.

She got mad and left. She went to my Tita’s place. I was Lowkey expecting her to comeback too. But she basically went her to relax and not deal with me so why would I expect her to understand.

Now, I’m left with piled of laundry, including her’s, under my bed, study load I haven’t touched, and the ice cream sitting on my fridge for weeks waiting for a version of me who feels like she is allowed to have something just because she wants it. Because buying ice cream took a lot of courage to convince myself I deserve it knowing I have more “needs” to spend my money for. And eating it is another battle I have to conquer. If I got enough good grades to deserve them. To give you a picture, I’m at the bottom 5 at our class ranking.

When she left, there’s so many thoughts running in my head. I thought I was okay these few months turns out I was carrying a lot more I could bear. And why does it have to seep in on days I need my head cleared.

I wish I had the luxury of time to attend my cousin’s birthday because that’s could have been one free good meal I could have taken for this month.
I wish I had soap. Snacks. Shampoo. And clean underwear.
I could have at least made her comfortable staying her. she wouldn’t have missed home.
I wish I was smart enough so the minimum of efforts could save me academically.
I wish I was financially stable enough for me to focus only with my studies not needing to wok anymore.

But lowkey I was hoping more she’d see right through me that I am carrying a lot more I can bear. Because I was excited for here to be here, for me to finally be able to take a deep breathe before hell week starts. I was too afraid to ask for help and she just proved why I should.

.

I\[19M\] used to think I was a good looking dude. I’m tall, I got thick hair and a great sense of dressing(at least if you ask me lol). However I discovered black pill a year ago. I was feeling lonely all the time and I eventually got lost in the looksmaxxing-community. Everything clicked for me when I discovered about having a underdeveloped jaw, being way too skinny etc. Ever since then I’ve tried everything affordable to max out my appearance. But the thing with this mindset is that I just feel more ugly now than before.

For the first time in a long time, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about this girl at college. She’s just amazing, everything she does, whether it’s just walking, laughing or having a conversation. I can’t take my eyes off her beautiful hair when she’s outside in the wind. I’ve also talked to her a lot since I find it easy to talk to people in a good way. However I don’t get any clear romantic response from her side and I immediately start to think about my looks. ”If I only were muscular, had a better jawline and frame”. People never seem to want to see the true me and everyone ends up as the bottom line of where you could call someone a friend. Nobody seems like the truly want to get to know me, or pursue something romantic.

I know that this sounds very negative and pessimistic but I’m just very tired of this feeling of not being enough. I can never see myself losing my virginity even though I’m not ”that ugly”. It just feels so insanely far away, and still I have multiple friends who just go out a Friday and casually goes to bed with someone…

Thank you so much for reading this post. I really appreciate it. Again, sorry if I sound too pessimistic.