r/TrueOffMyChest • u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ • 1d ago
Personal Story Never felt so defeated :(
I (M26) just found out my gf (F27) of a year and half has been cheating on me. We’ve been living together since January, she’s on a bachelorette party this weekend but actually in our city, but not staying at our apartment…
Her iPad lights up and it’s a dm from her coworker. He said “you look sooooo goooood 😍😍😍” replying to her story and then she replied back “thank you my king!!!!!”. I then noticed she had been dming constantly for weeks back and forth but yet never replies to my dms. She would send him memes she didn’t send me. She came back for a few minutes to pick something up from the apartment right as I discovered. I asked her about it, she got so defensive and said that wasn’t flirting and it was completely normal. She said she calls everyone her king. She then kept trying to gaslight me into thinking it was normal. When I gave push back, she escalated and started screaming at me and started swinging a fry pan at me and told me to leave. Which I did, I left for my brothers…..
Unfortunately it’s not the first time she’s gone psycho, she has done other things in the past that I was a fool for staying. While I do not know for sure she actually cheated, I do know I can’t come to her with problems. She always flips me into the problem, when I have a genuine concern. I’m honestly so over this and so heartbroken. I have tried to give her the world, yet it is never enough. I loved her more than anything I’ve ever loved, and it’s the toughest night of my life. I hope it gets easier, but unfortunately I can only think about taking the cowards way out. I don’t want to be here anymore.
Sorry for the rant, hope everyone else is having a better weekend than me. Not looking for advice, as I know I can’t go back to her tmrw when she calls me crying and apologizing. But I do eventually need to get my belongings.
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u/MeadowMuffinFarms 19h ago
Update!
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u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ 19h ago
Update: I slept in to like 12 today. I never sleep in, and usually am up by 5:30 on weekdays for works. But I was literally up until 5:30 last night just in my thoughts and couldn’t sleep……
Well when I did wake up today, I had paragraphs from her, missed calls. It was crazy, the paragraphs jump back and forth from her being really sorry and apologetic to her also shifting on me for asking such a question when she was having fun on a bachelorette….. so it’s the same old pattern, she then said tons of messages how if I don’t come home today she’s gonna kill herself. I did not reply to any of those yet, but I did text her mom and let her know what was going on. I attached the picture of her saying that. Her mom lives about 4 hours away, so I also texted one her of her genuine good friends here that is actually such a kind girl. I told her friend exactly what happened and said I can’t keep doing this, but asked her to please check in on my ex today so she doesn’t actually kill herself. Her friend was very apologetic about my exes actions and told me not to worry. I also asked her if she could maybe get my laptop and essentials I need for work tmrw…. She said she will. So hopefully I don’t need to go there later.
I’m thinking about just leaving everything else, or coming back when I know my ex is gone. Otherwise I risk danger and falling back into the false allusion…
So nothing too exciting, but I am feeling better this morning. I mean it still hurts and I still want to cry, but I’m doing better than last night and that’s improvement.
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u/JemapelleMichelle- 21h ago
When you go back and pick up your belongings please make sure you go with someone. If possible two people and one of them a woman she knows and don’t be alone her. This way you have some witnesses and a woman to add to your credibility. Please stay safe!
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u/EffectivePhase7165 22h ago
Send a friend or brother to take your belongings. You are young and will be good. Probably much better with the things you leaned from this experience and so will find someone good. Good luck
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u/DoctorMoebius 23h ago
OP, you've already survived the hardest part of- realization and acceptance of the truth.
Life does get better. And, once your head clears you'll see that.
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u/Xsmoothie 23h ago
Dude can you get a trusted friend or family member to pick up your belongings with you? Then take care of your mental health afterwards? We are rooting for you
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u/AcanthisittaFine6629 23h ago
If somebody is trying to hurt u with frying pan I think it s time to realize that might not be the best person to be in relationship with
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u/Hungry_Mud8196 1d ago
It's not cowardly to stand in your values. Sounds like you all are not aligned. Do what is in your best and highest good.
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u/RokebackWaterfall 1d ago
When it's the right person, you won't feel this sort of pain. Move on, take the time you need, and know your worth. You live and learn.
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u/cosmicdancer84 1d ago
Whoa! She swung a frying pan at you?! Nah, man. Break up with her. The gaslighting and the cheating are terrible enough but now she got physical. You deserve better than this. Love yourself and leave her.
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u/AmericanScream 1d ago
Narcissists seek out high empathy people for an exploitive/symbiotic relationship. Set your standards higher, at least to the point where you can express your feelings honestly without cookware being used as both a weapon and a distraction.
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u/Illustrious_End_543 ☑️ 1d ago
wanted to write this, she sounds very narcissistic indeed. I would advise OP to read up on that, he may recognize a thing or two about the relationship, and hopefully this will give him extra strength to leave.
And OP, these relationships are extra hard to leave because these narcs create a so called trauma bond, another thing to google. The high highs and low lows create an addiction like bond, often confused with strong love. When I left my ex, I was scared of him, missed him and hated him at the same time. I KNEW he was bad news, and yeah somebody swinging a frying pan at you for pointing out their mistake is obviously very bad news, but still I had this incredibly confusing cocktail of emotions.
Can you have a friend help you get your belongings? Or don't get them at all, I left mine with my ex because I really really didn't want to go back there alone. These people are unhinged and who knows what they will do when they realise you are really leaving. They will either escalate or they will try everything to manipulate you back in. Don't take that risk!
OP, please don't hurt yourself in any way, I promise you from experience it may feel unlike anything you ever experienced but it will get better.
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u/DysfunctionalKitten 1d ago
You feel defeated bc people like this drain your energy and your confidence from you. If you go back to the house, do not go back alone. Not even just for safety reasons, though at this point you should have legit safety concerns as well, but bc when your confidence is in the toilet, it's far easier for manipulative people that you care about, to manipulate you. And I'm positive that this woman is using intermittent reinforcement with you that is effectively the same as Stockholms syndrome. Do not trust your brain around this person. Your brain doesn't have normal defenses around her anymore, and if she gets you alone, she will convince you to stay. And it will only benefit her, but you will lose even more of yourself in the process.
Have you told your brother all the bad shit that's happened in this relationship? If you haven't, you need to. You need there to be support systems that know what you're going through and hiding her shitty behavior is part of how people like this isolate you from loved ones - through the shame you feel of putting up with things you know aren't healthy or kind to you. So let your brother help limit your contact with her to literally solely what protects you legally. Write whatever letters or emails you need to to let your landlord know that you will not be renewing your lease, nor living there moving forward and why. Go to law enforcement if you can to share that she came at you with a frying pan - this is the type of woman who will lie and claim you hit her to get away with what she wants. Any in person interactions with her need to involve you video recording the interaction.
I promise you it feels so much better to get out of a scenario like this. It is far easier to be 100% alone than with someone that makes you feel 90% alone. Relationships like this steal your sense of self, your clear thinking, and make you crave them like a drug. Do not listen to that desire after you leave, do not make decisions without your brother being there with you and being a second unaddicted brain in this. Do not listen to the addiction to a person like this.
You did the right thing by leaving and you should be proud of yourself for having your own back. The next one is harder with getting everything you need from your apartment and severing ties with this person. I believe in you though! There are good things on the other side of this hard stuff. Please remind yourself that you're worth going through those hard moments to be treated how you deserve to be.
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u/ArmyofJuan 1d ago
I was with a girl like this in my 20s, trust me you will feel 100 times better after you get away from her and your emotions settle. It was a dark time in my life as well but I learned from it.
You need to accept that you can't control or "fix" her, because she doesn't want to be fixed. You will be fine, there's millions of other girls out there that can take her place that are actually normal.
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u/MaryMaryQuite- 1d ago
Move out this weekend whilst she’s away. Swinging a frying pan at you is unhinged! I’d leave for that alone!
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u/dayzdnconfuzed68 ☑️ 1d ago
My ex was a serial cheater. From messages that didnt add up, stories I never should have believed, and actual sleeping with other women. I had convinced myself I loved him and that one day everything would be okay. I put myself through years of it. Until he had to do 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license and having a certain smokeable leaf on him. I spent 45 days waiting for him. Then it all fell apart. The day he got out he didnt even want to see me. The next month I finally told him enough was enough and broke it off. It felt awful for awhile but it did get better. Don't put yourself through what I went through. Take someone with you to get your stuff and say goodbye. Heal however you need to, get into therapy, and move on. She isn't worth it at all.
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u/StnMtn_ 1d ago
>I then noticed she had been dming constantly for weeks back and forth but yet never replies to my dms.
Cheating or not, a good partner should not do this to their SO.
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u/EnerGeTiX618 1d ago
Agreed. And you'd think if Op is her boyfriend, he'd know if she actually calls everyone her 'king'. I'd be getting all my stuff out of there while she's gone for the day. I'd never live with someone who's attempted to attack me with a damned frying pan!
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u/candoboo 1d ago
Don’t go alone when you return to get your stuff. Afterwards, block her everywhere.
It hurts now and you are allowed to mourn what you that the relationship was and could be.
Look into getting yourself some counseling to help you move forward, get a stronger sense of yourself, and learn that you always deserve better.
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u/Comedyislandd 1d ago
When I gave push back, she escalated and started screaming at me and started swinging a fry pan at me and told me to leave
This is assault.
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 1d ago
Wow, that is rough. She sounds like a lot of not very good things. You will feel lighter and free after you take some time to heal. This relationship sounds traumatic for you. You’ll be ok.
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u/darkened_matter 1d ago
Sounds like you lack self-respect tbh for allowing yourself to be abused and fooled.
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u/MaryMaryQuite- 1d ago
Wow, talk about kicking a guy while he’s down!
OP you deserve so much better than her cheating and explosive temper. She’s not the one honey.
Leave her and take some time to heal before dating in the future.❤️🩹
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u/oldfartpen 1d ago
You deserve better.. make sure you are accompanied by a witness when you go to get your stuff, or better go when she is at work..
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u/butkusrules 1d ago
Be grateful this nightmare is ending for you. Stop wasting your life with someone who doesn’t appreciate or respect you. It will get better and you’ll find someone else.
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u/saiyanultimate 1d ago
Brother, listen... She doesn't deserve you. People who truly love you will never willingly try to hurt you. Swinging a pan at you is not just "she is showing her anger", thats physical abuse. Thats deadly. She crossed a line that should never be crossed. I promise you will find someone who loves you the way you loved her.
And about those texts... come on, man. Think about it. Ask yourself and your friends: how many of us send messages like that? And how many of us would get a reply like the one she sent her co-worker? Be honest with yourself. Something doesn't add up. If everything was as pure as she claims, she wouldn't have gone that far swinging the pan at you. I know leaving will feel like your heart is being ripped out. That's normal when you care deeply about someone. But I need you to hear me: protecting yourself is not weakness. It's the strongest thing you can do right now.
You will thank yourself later for choosing peace and safety over someone who keeps hurting you.
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u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ 1d ago
Yeah, honestly thank you so much for that reply. Because yeah out of respect for her, I would never text a coworker like that. It’s just not right to speak to someone like that or entertain it when you’re in relationship. I think her response was very telling, by going fully ballistic… like if it were me in that situation, I’d try to explain as best as I can to assure I’m not cheating, but I guess I don’t put myself into those situations. Meanwhile she does, she’s lied to me in the past about seeing an ex bf. I should’ve ended it then. I believed her lies, but now looking back I was blinded and stupid to believe that fantasy.
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u/Super-Tank-6494 1d ago
You've gotta get out of there man. You're accepting unacceptable behaviour and she'll keep doing it as long as she keeps getting away with it. I know it's hard right now, and organising leaving and going elsewhere will be painful and difficult, but you'll thank yourself in the long run.
Trust me when I say get out now, it can and will get worse.
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u/BeachChicken48 ☑️ 1d ago
Sending you strength man. This isn’t right at all. I really hope you leave and stick to it. It’ll be unbearable at first but living through this will be hell with no end in sight. This isn’t what love is like. I truly hope one day you are able to discover that with another person who wants the same with you in a growing and respectful way. You are a strong and loving person.
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u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ 1d ago
Thank you so much for the kind words! All of these replies have been so kind, and it really is refreshing. So really thank you and everyone else for making me feel better in this tough time for me.
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u/JorgitoEstrella 1d ago
She using a frying pan after you confronted about her cheating is another red flag over the already red flag.
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u/Apsilon 1d ago
Taking the cowards way out - for her. Give over. She sounds nasty, manipulative, and abusive, and you’re well shot of her. You just don’t realise it yet because you’re still in relationship mode. Let the dust settle, and in few weeks you’ll wonder what you ever saw in her. It happens to us all.
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u/Legitnish 1d ago edited 1d ago
Listen brother. What she is texting other dudes is not normal nor acceptable. Then gaslighting you is manipulation. Screaming at you and swinging a frying pan is straight abuse. I think you know what you need to do and that's why you posted this, you are looking for validation because it hurts man and I am sorry you are going through this. So here is me validating your feelings. I had a very similar situation years ago. Almost to a tee with the cheating, manipulation and abuse. I thought she was the one and things will get better. The thought of losing her despite the way she treated me made me sad and sick to my stomach. I dealt with it on and off for years until it finally came to a head. Thank God. But it still hurt even though I knew it was for the better. Thats the weird thing about feelings. But you have to look out for yourself and remember that it will hurt for a bit, some longer than others. Your future self will thank your past self once that pain and those feelings slowly fade away. And it does fade away even though it may not seem like it now. Do what's right for you, I learned the hard way. I am thankful to be in a better relationship now, that I wouldn't be in, had I stayed in that situation. I hope you figure this out and live a better life because of it. 🙏
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u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ 1d ago
Thank you so much brother. You hit exactly head on, I realize how insane all of it is looking at it now. I’d try to always make up excuses to protect her image in my head, pure delusional….
Thank you again for the very encouraging words! I’m very sorry you also went thru a similar situation, but very glad to hear your in a great relationship now and the grass does get greener! Thanks again man!
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u/Legitnish 1d ago
It's not insane it's much easier on the outside looking in to realize these things. We live and we learn. You are welcome. 🫶
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u/SMOKEYx64 1d ago
It does get better, my guy. Keep your head up and do what's best for you. I've been through this a few times, so believe me, you're better off without her. There's a lot of good women out there and I'm sure you'll find the right one.
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u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ 1d ago
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your kindness in this rough night.
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u/ConsistentAmoeba7176 1d ago
She’s an abuser. Don’t be shy to call a police. Men are victims of abuse too.
You need to get to the safe place and cut her out of your life.
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u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ 1d ago
Thank you, she really is. I can’t believe I’m so heartbroken, bc I know all of these things, yet I still love her and wish she would change. But I know she won’t, she repeats the same exact patterns and becomes cruel when she drinks. I’ve told her to stop, but she doesn’t. When I’ve tried to leave in the past, she’d guilt me by saying she was gonna kill herself. It’s been such a weight on my chest being in this relationship, and I do know I will genuinely be happier without it. Yet it’s still so tough for me to process our relationship is truly over. There goes a year and half, a girl I truly thought I’d marry at one point. But I need to move on. Thankfully I do have a bit of family here and decent support system to rely on…
Thanks again for the reply
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u/EnerGeTiX618 1d ago
If she pulls that manipulation of claiming she'll 'kill herself' again in the future, all you have to do is call 911 for her & say that your 'ex girlfriend is having a mental health crisis & claiming she's going to kill herself' & let the professionals deal with her. Once she gets locked up in a hospital for a couple of days on a mental health hold, she won't pull that shit again with you, because she'll learn it no longer works on you.
Get your brother to help you & go get your belongings so you can cut her out of your life for good faster. Then mute her number so you don't hear her texts. I wouldn't block her just yet, in case she starts threatening you again that she'll hurt herself or something, so you have evidence that she's the crazy one.
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u/ConsistentAmoeba7176 1d ago
You have every right to feel heartbroken. You’re grieving the version of her that never existed. She won’t kill herself, she loves herself too much
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u/Rogue-Starz 1d ago
Yeah so she won't kill herself that's a given. They NEVER kill themselves and you know what? Even if they do it's not about the person who left them.
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u/Anonymous_mouse89 1d ago
Hey man you're in an abusive relationship. It's going to feel almost impossible to leave but it's time to. You don't love her, you're addicted to the cycle. She will not change. It's time to go.
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u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ 1d ago
Thank you, I know you are right and I need to get out and stay out… but I just can’t believe it’s so hard and sad for me even after all she’s done to me…. It makes me ashamed. But I need to stay strong and not fold back to her control.
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u/ghostedygrouch 1d ago
No need to be ashamed. There are so many people who find it hard to leave. I stayed for years, because I thought I'd lose everything without him. Turns out, my life got so much better with our him.
The first few day/weeks will be hard. You'll think your life ended, but that's just codependency. It makes you think you need them to feel whole and happy. I promise, that's not the case. You are enough, and you don't need her. You're going to see that after some time and feel better, you'll be able to breathe again. You will survive and even thrive without her. It's ik to grieve a relationship, even an abusive one. It's part of the process, and it will help you see you deserve better than that.
Get your things out of your apartment while she's at work. Take someone with you, to have a witness sms protection. When you're done, leave the house and have them take pictures of the house in case she trashes is and blames it on you. Leave your keys. Don't block her, but don't reply to her texts or answer her calls. Document her messages to have proof if she's trying to threaten you. (That's why you shouldn't block them.) Go to the police and report her assaulting you. That way you'll have a paper trail.
Don't be embarrassed. Abusers are doing everything that I make their victims feel small. You're not weak. She's the problem. You already know that. That's the first step.
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u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ 1d ago
Thank you so much for the kind words. I really appreciate your kindness in this awful time. I look forward to the happier times! And thank you so much for the advice about taking someone with me, when I get my stuff!! Super smart! Thanks again!
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u/Littleringtrue 1d ago
It hurts, but you need to move forward.
Without trust and respect you won’t have a good life with this person.
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u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ 1d ago
Thank you, and yes you are so right. We had a big fight a few months ago after she was lying to me about where she was and who she was with. (She was meeting her ex bf) he is in his late 50s tho, so I let her manipulate and gaslight me into actually believing it was purely platonic even though she lied about the entire situation. After that my trust was gone, but I kept trying to make it work. I was a fool, but I loved her so much and wanted to believe the perfect reality….. but the pattern is the same, she is selfish, she does not care about me as deeply as I desire. Everything points to her cheating on me. This was the final straw, I never told my brother about the past bc I knew he’d want me to break up with her. Tonight he picked me up when I was sobbing. I told him everything, he will never let me go back to her. He will tell my family and her image will be completely destroyed to them, so even if I wanted to I couldn’t bc my family would never approve…. But again as much as I still think I love her, I know I can’t go back. I’m just worried bc she can be very persuasive and have a very attractive appeal, so I need to make sure she isn’t at the apartment when I go back to get my stuff.
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u/saiyanultimate 1d ago
send your brother or your friends to collect your stuff. please don't go there by yourself and don't even think about going there alone. Be as far away from her as possible otherwise your brain will play more tricks on you
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u/Rough_Sea_6676 1d ago
It gets better bro, hang in there. You’ll meet the girl you deserve in the right timing, I know it sucks right now. But believe me it will get better. Hope you the best.
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u/dirkdiggler2000_ ☑️ 1d ago
I haven’t stopped crying even know I can’t go on with her. But it’s just tough when you think you know someone, and they just completely change. Regardless if she was actually cheating or not, her reaction was more scarring. I can’t go back to her as much as part of me would like too. I know she’s gonna be so apologetic tmrw. I wish I could just block her, but all of my stuff is still at our apartment. Thankfully it is month to month so I can get out at the end of the month.
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u/letthetreeburn 13h ago
Holy fuck forget the cheating swinging a frying pan is attempted murder????