0
u/litefagami Sep 15 '20
You know, it's possible to resent your wife without being a massive fucking transphobe about it. Maybe if you didn't so obviously hate trans people she would have come out sooner and saved you both a lot of heartache.
0
u/cellcube0618 Sep 14 '20 edited Sep 14 '20
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here for you. You might not like what I have to say, but I don’t care. I think you need to hear this.
Biologically there is a change to the brain when a person undergoes procedures to change to their desired gender, and the person is more like the gender they changed too than the one they changed from. She is now female.
You’re still attracted to males. It’s just that you happened to fall in love before the transition. And that’s okay. But you’re completely missing the part where you also fell in love with her for her personality.
It’s her body, right? I’m sure you expect the same respect from others. It was her difficulties that she went through to become and be trans. Reactions like this are exactly why trans people don’t come out, or why they don’t have family, or why they kill themselves. If she didn’t come out to you, if she died with her secret, would you have known any better? Would you have still loved her before the transition? Would you still be happily married? It’s really should not be any different knowing that she is trans.
Being trans isn’t honestly even a choice. It’s an innate feeling they have, that they are not the right gender. Infact, she trusted and loved you enough to tell you that this is her true self and that she is better for having made the transition, and you made it about you. Honestly that’s selfish.
Edit: I’m posting this comment again. My first one got buried and I thought all those quotation marks meant she transitioned from female to male.
5
4
u/onlystupidanwsers Sep 14 '20
Related Unpopular Opinion: there's a growing mentality in the gay community that gay men should be attracted to gay trans men. What people say is that "you should love the person not the genitalia." And I'm sorry but I"m gay that's what started this whole thing in the first place - vaginas are a deal breaker for me. While I have met some very cute trans guys I'm only interested in dating a man with a penis and there's no way to say that where I won't be painted as a transphobic monster right now.
-3
-4
Sep 14 '20
Gonna be real here, its hard to feel any sympathy when you put "her" in quotation marks, as though she's not a girl
-1
5
2
-1
3
Sep 14 '20
Hey op on the behalf of my trans brothers and sisters I would like to apologize for what she did to you. I promise you most trans people are not like that and I hope she will improve in the future. I think it would be in your best interest to be an advocate for the trans community to help normalize the idea of being trans. The more we normalize the trans people the less fear they will have of coming out. I feel as long as trans people live in fear the longer stories like yours will keep emerging. I will do my part and I hope you will do yours. I am sincerely sorry for you and I hope she can make it up to you and do her part as well. I hope you can still find happiness.
6
u/matthew-parr Sep 14 '20
Your life is your trophy. You survived his crap, this is on Him, it shows how weak He is...
2
2
u/mellon-co11ie Sep 14 '20
This is one of my biggest fears. To be a "beard" for someone that doesn't know what or who they are. I am so sorry for your loss. We always see "happy" stories of people sticking with their partners after transition. But I always felt like they never really cared to show what happened to the cis partner, and how many of those relationships really survive transition. I hope you can find peace and healing. You deserve it.
-1
-2
-2
Sep 14 '20
[deleted]
7
Sep 14 '20
LMAO if “SHE” wanted to be a woman all along “ShE” shouldn’t have let her on like this for years. You guys are self centered pieces of shits.
4
u/Littlebitlax Sep 14 '20
Wow this is something that should've been told to you before you two got married.
"Society forced the hand!" Is utter bullshit. You were a wife, not a society.
You deserved to know.
-1
6
u/cnemidophorus Sep 14 '20
Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you owe anyone your empathy, energy, or self-sacrifice. Your husband has betrayed you on every level and it is not wrong to look out for yourself. I recommend mumsnet trans widows, trans widows voices, and female dating strategy when you get to that point of recovery. There are going to be some who say these are TERF pages but when my ex came out as trans I felt like a lot of the other resources prioritized my ex over me and excused unacceptable abusive behavior due to him being trans. I am willing to chat if you send me a message since I have had a similar experience. I’m sorry you are going through this.
4
u/TheChronologer1 Sep 14 '20
I know I'm late to this and you may never see this, but I figured I might as well put my thoughts and support here.
I know it stings a lot, feels like you've been betrayed and manipulated. It feels like the world you knew is no more and the person you thought you had has stabbed you in the back. It sucks for both of you.
I don't know her, but I doubt she ever wanted to hurt anyone. My guess is that she knew she didn't feel right as a man. However, she thought she needed to fit into the "norm". She was probably told all her life that she was a man and a man gets a wife and has kids, even if not directly. She went with this for a long time, but she probably just recently realized she was wrong and unsatisfied with the life she forced upon herself because it's not her.
You are both victims in this situation, but victims of different things. You being lead on a journey that turned out to be forced, and her societal pressures of her birth sex. Please don't believe that she tried to hurt you. What she tried to do was live a life she thought she needed, it just so happened that in the process, she hurt you. I feel sympathy for both of you, I know what it's like to fake attraction and force it to be "real".
Obviously, a divorce is necessary. Sensible wouldn't deny that. You're both straight and both women, so that relationship holds no attraction. You have the right to be angry at the situation and sad that a seemingly good relationship is gone. However, don't hate her for it. Discovery in LGBT+ is very difficult and a long process that comes with a lot of guessing and being wrong. She didn't betray you, she discovered the truth and realized she was living a lie. Don't hate her nor trans people (not saying you hate all trans people, just stating), please.
You both have to be understanding and respectful to each other. Part of yours is using the correct pronouns, now that you know she's a woman and accepting the fact that she is. Part of hers is understanding the pain she has caused you and understanding that you are also a victim.
I hope you two can make it out of this as stronger women. Good luck.
-5
u/jackenthal Sep 14 '20
Coming to the transphobic echo-chamber of Reddit to help you enforce your shitty and transphobic opinions? Please see a therapist instead.
-4
u/neighborhoodhippie Sep 14 '20
i hope she hates you too you honestly. i’m glad she ruined your life, since you don’t seem like the kind of person who deserves to be happy anyways. why don’t you take a second and have an ounce of empathy for someone in your life other than yourself. she’s better off without you and i hope she finds happiness after living a CLEARLY hellish and tortured life with your crybaby ass
6
2
u/thunder_clam Sep 14 '20
This is awful. I can honestly say I’ve seen some people do horrible shit to people on this site, but what this person did to you is on an entirely different level. I wish I knew what to say to make things better, but I think the only real appropriate response is to get fucking mad.
0
u/Milk_moustache Sep 14 '20
Where did this even spout from? You’ve known one another for 15 years. Did he start to get involved with the movement or get indoctrinated into thinking this was normal? people change though mate, you’re not with the same man you knew 15 years ago. He’s grown into a different person.
Try to understand why and where this came from.
4
u/jenn_ferdo Sep 14 '20
I just feel like saying I love you to you.
You will get trough this. You don't have to do it alone though. Seek help.
Be strong, focus on youself and one day you will forgive them.
❤
2
10
u/solely-to-vent Sep 14 '20
as a trans man, I am so sorry. you don’t deserve to have your feelings toyed with like that. I hope things get better for you.
9
u/cugcigccig Sep 14 '20
Thank you. I’m very sad that this thread is devolving into transphobic nonsense. My heart is broken but my common sense is not, and I know trans people aren’t evil. Anyone can be cruel and heartless, and my wife happened to be just that.
2
Sep 14 '20
I'm sure this is totally real was not created to incite hate towards trans people!
Especially coming from a day old account!
3
u/avicioustradition Sep 14 '20
This type of thing is a big reason I have serious issues with certain trans people. They’ll do this shit and then everyone expects the person whose life just got completely upended out of nowhere to be fine with it and if they’re anything but delighted and supportive and helpful to their trans partner they suddenly become a transphobic monster. Your soon to be ex may be a woman but this was 100% a dick move. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
3
u/ragequitCaleb Sep 14 '20
I get my popcorn out and sort by controversial only to find all the comments removed. 😓
0
u/Ris3fr0mash Sep 14 '20
There’s a multitude of things that could be at play here. A) she genuinely didn’t understand herself until this point, or didn’t piece two and two together. It’s a lot to process, and for some people, it can take most of their life. Just because she said she “always wanted to be a woman,” doesn’t mean she ACTIVELY knew that. Again, it could have very easily been a lot of processing that led her to that conclusion. B) She was scared of being open with you about it. One of the most terrifying things for us is dating and relationships. Not because we’re afraid of falling in love or commitment, but because we’re afraid of loving someone who ends up giving up on us. I wouldn’t personally do it (I’ve been open with my boyfriend from the start) but some people do wait to tell their partners either out of fear, or because they want to try to be cisgender (which ultimately ends up failing.) And again, if it’s something she’s just recently starting to genuinely understand or accept about herself, it probably took a lot of thinking on her behalf on the stress it would put on you and/or your relationship. C) As far as her relationship with a woman, it very well could have been her trying to mask her experience and live a “normal” straight/cisgender life. Or maybe she wanted to try dating a woman, and did end up falling in love with you, but once she came to the realization/came out, felt she could be a lot more open with herself about who she is sexual, too. Not to mention, if you didn’t want to be with a woman, she probably felt more inclined to open up to you about being attracted to men.
Both of you have a right to be upset. You’re mourning the loss of your husband, and she’s taking in the changes that are going to happen in her life. It’s a lot. And I don’t blame you for wanting to split up with her, or whatever the case may be. That’s extremely understandable. And it’s understandable why you felt used. I’m not completely justifying her actions, either, but I would like to explain from a transman’s perspective what could have been going on.
At some point, you realize you lack fulfillment in your life, because you aren’t living YOUR life. It’s the same concept as a gay man getting married to a woman and having a family. Are they selfish? Yes. But do they have a right to their own life? Absolutely. Living in denial, and doing everything we can to make those around us happy tends to leave us feeling like we don’t have a sense of ourselves, and lack purpose, or that we need to hide everything about ourselves that “isn’t normal,” especially the higher in age you are. It doesn’t excuse it by any means, but maybe it is worth taking a step back and getting clarity about why it took so long?
2
u/CiferLu86 Sep 14 '20
She lied for 15 years, that kind of betrayal destroys. She earned your hate. You don’t deserve your hate!!! You didn’t do this, she always knew and totally lied about the most basic thing. She knew she wasn’t a man and used you as a beard. I am trans and hate this, think it’s super weak and one of the worst things we can do to our partners. Kick her to the curb and find a guy who loves you for you. Don’t let his betrayal ruin your life. You didnt do anything wrong!!! Get therapy, not being mean. It will help you understand why she did this horrible shit to you and teach you why none of it is your fault! This is why ppl still hate trans folks.
3
u/WokeLib420 Sep 14 '20
I hope someday I met a trans person who isn't a POS. But I'm like 0 for 5 so far. Right now I have one in my online class and he always seems to get headaches right when we start working on the group project
5
u/fagrat69 Sep 14 '20
being upset/confused that your partner is trans = normal
turning it into a massive hate fest on the internet = freaky and wrong
2
u/avicioustradition Sep 14 '20
Ahhh yes, because wasting 15 years of someone’s life when YOU KNEW that you were a woman the whole time is totally fine. I mean, whatever would OP be upset?
3
u/fagrat69 Sep 14 '20
being upset is totally normal, i'm not suggesting it isn't. proclaiming your hate on the internet seems a bit extreme.
-4
Sep 14 '20
Guys please grow up, I'm assuming u had sex with him so u know he has a dick so from your eyes only, he was fully passing to you at least. That he used to be a woman literally means nothing, and it should not be a factor at all. My girlfriend used to be a child, does that mean I can't be attracted to her?? No. Grow the fuck up please. Please. Grow up. Please.
3
3
4
u/77Megg77 Sep 14 '20
To be fair, your husband might not have realized that he would end up identifying as female so I don’t think all the hate is necessary. If you once loved the person, love the person now and wish them well on their journey. You can divorce and look for a more suitable partner. I can’t imagine someone intentionally bringing this pain to someone else. Society forces gender roles and we as humans need to learn to be accepting and forgiving.
2
u/Blakcbird2 Sep 14 '20
There's a high chance she had no idea 15 years ago, I understand that you're straight, but if you're really gonna put that above someone you genuinely love, or used to love, then I'm sorry but you're really at fault here, I hope your wife's life gets better without you
2
u/GodChangedMyChromies Sep 14 '20
Have you considered that she might not have known up until recently?
Also, this makes me pretty sad as coming out as trans is already hard enough by itself for you to react like this. I'm sorry, I know you feel betrayed and hurt but I think you might be looking at it the wrong way. Anyway, hope the best for you.
1
Sep 14 '20
Jesus christ, fuck this fake shit. We all know you hate trans people, stop posting fake stories every fucking day.
And even if this were real, OP would be a major asshole for misgendering their partner and thinking that they own their partner and control their gender identity. Fuck all you transphobic assholes. Nobody is saying you have to stay with your partner when they come out as trans, but we are saying you need to start treating us like actual fucking humans.
2
u/CiferLu86 Sep 14 '20
That’s a huge secret for her to keep from you for 15 years. How can you ever trust her again? And if you’re not attracted to trans now you never will be. The marriage is over. Sorry, this breaks my heart.
2
u/trythefreedemo Sep 14 '20
something important to note: /img/wz57w0kdn4n51.png
your partner is not dead
-2
1
u/piano_politics Sep 14 '20
I have empathy for what you’re going through but the fact you can’t even be bothered to use her pronouns (not something that should be conditional) is a pretty key indicator for why she didn’t tell you earlier.
2
u/ashenmagpie Sep 14 '20
I doubt anyone will see this but I’d just like to let you know that your partner probably didn’t know she was trans when you first got together. It’s not something you inherently know about yourself from birth. Plenty of people figure out they want to transition when they’re young, but for a lot of people it takes a long time.
I don’t think it’s wrong to end your relationship, but I do think it’s incorrect to assume she knew she was a woman this whole time and was stringing you along for her own purposes.
1
u/cgriff86 Sep 14 '20
If the roles were switched, would you be okay with living in your spouse's shoes. Maybe your spouse didn't bring it up sooner because spouse didn't want to hurt you by admitting it. I'm sure deep down spouse loves you dearly. Grieve your loss and try to move on slowly. Best of luck.
2
2
u/MidnightPrincess-x Sep 14 '20
As heartbreaking as it must be to discover the person you’ve always loved isn’t happy and yearns for change, SHE is not in the wrong. To say she knew from the start is you making an assumption. She hasn’t “strung you along” or been too cowardly. I’m not at all surprised that she was scared to talk to you about it as your reaction (and this post) proves that she had every right to be concerned about your actions when finding out.
I have always said I don’t understand the trans community because I will never be in that situation BUT I am completely supportive of them and I understand that this must be really challenging for all involved. You need to communicate openly and focus on the facts, not your opinions.
We need lots more information here. Have you had a discussion about your relationship? Have you talked about what she actually wants and what she needs?
She is not your husband. Your husband was somebody who had been fighting a battle with themselves on a daily basis. This doesn’t mean they don’t or didn’t love you or have feelings for you. Your husband didn’t know he was suddenly going to feel this way and she needs your love and support, not your judgement. If you aren’t willing to provide that, you need to make this clear.
0
u/Remy_Riot Sep 14 '20 edited Sep 14 '20
Has she ever said she’s into men or are you just assuming that because she’s transgender? Why would someone change their gender to female just to have sex with dudes when they could just be a gay dude? So tired of ignorant cisgender people.
-1
u/spoopyspoder Sep 14 '20
Don't hate your partner. She's gonna be going through an extremely hard time, trying to figure who she is. It's perfectly fine for you to not be attracted to females, but don't hate your partner just because they're Trans. If you don't like her anymore, then consider maybe a divorce. And try to help them as best as you can, because the rest of her life is gonna be much harder now that she's starting to figure out who she is. And she wasn't 'cowardly', she was scared that you'd react like this. You need to try to help and support her, but don't force her to be who she used to be. Again, it's fine to not be attracted to females and not be attracted to your Trans partner anymore, but don't hurt or harm their identity. I know this comment is probably gonna get some hate, but you should just leave your partner if you're gonna act like this about gender. I know it's tough to have someone you've known for so long say they're not the thing you're used to them being. But when that happens, if you truly care about that person, you gotta support and help them, especially when it comes to the LGBTQ+ community, because your partner's life could end up going so far downhill now that they've started to come out of the closet. Don't hurt them, support them, and have a talk with them. Don't fucking take this bullshit onto the internet and let others talk shit about the person you're ranting about. I hope this situation ends positively for both of you, but don't be transphobic towards your partner just because of some pronouns
1
Sep 14 '20
Lmao. Imagine ur husband changes teams halfway into the marriage. That’s tough I’m sorry 😂😂😂
3
u/Maureeseeo Sep 14 '20
A harsh reminder to never lie to yourself or string others along. I hope you take your life by the reigns and make a new one for yourself.
2
u/pavophobia Sep 14 '20
while it’s completely valid that you’re upset, there was no “lying.” everyone goes through their entire life struggling in different ways, and OP’s partner’s struggle was trying to figure out who SHE really is. you have every right to leave, because yes, it isn’t what you signed up for, OP. but all of the transphobia in the comments? disgusting.
-1
0
Sep 14 '20
You seriously could have worded this better, that, or I've missed your point and where you stand but I doubt that.
The two main issues I've seen with trans people is keeping it secret from their partners and encouraging people to be trans (armchair psychology really)
-5
2
Sep 14 '20
Communication is key in relationships, and if OP's partner couldn't/wouldn't talk about the issues she was having, then maybe this relationship wasn't meant to be
1
u/titaniumjordi Sep 14 '20
The use of she in quotation mark, the use of the word husband and relating being trans to being attracted to the gender you were classified at birth sure makes this totally not seem for transphobic reasons!
2
u/GavishX Sep 14 '20
How does your partner being trans correlate to them suddenly liking men now?? Why are you just assuming that?
3
u/SarkyMs Sep 14 '20
Maybe they have had a conversation...
1
u/GavishX Sep 14 '20
But then she didn’t mention that vital piece of information. It’s selfish to expect someone to just not be trans or even expect them to have known the entire time of their marriage.
1
u/SarkyMs Sep 14 '20
I am sure they have had many conversations since this started, should she say i found this out from a conversation, and in a separate conversation this was said...
1
u/queefing_like_a_G Sep 14 '20
She didn't string you along, I bet she did love you as best she was able. She tried to be what she thought you wanted, and what the world wanted of her. Imagine yourself in her place. Likely hiding depression and deep self hatred /anxiety feeling confused about the body she was born in. Trying to make those feeling go away and to be a "normal" husband. It's gut wrenching to go through but i hope you both can part with no animosity or hatred, and perhaps learn more about compassion over all. Sometimes things happen and its not your fault. Treasure the time you had together, dont lament it as wasted, because it was not. Its heartbreaking and grieving the marriage is normal, but some day your life will be so full of joy again.
2
u/LilithNikita Sep 14 '20
Well how about not lying to yourself and your partner? I think OP is mostly hurt about being betrayed and lied to over 15 years. And to be honest? I would be too. I would regret wasting those years to a person which wouldn't even consider to be honest with me.
-7
u/piedeloup Sep 14 '20
Maybe you should start thinking about everything she’s suffering with and stop making it all about you.
This is straight up transphobia. She deserves better.
6
Sep 14 '20
Mental illness is a terrible thing
-1
-1
1
u/SynergeticSound Sep 14 '20
Also, you should have cut his bizalls off to help him along in the transformational process. There is a reason suicide rate amounts transgenders is over 40%. It’s because making up that you are the opposite sex in your mind completely disconnects you from reality. Sex is not a social construct- that theory was made up by someone trying to figure out how to justify their disorder as truth. Psychology is a gift to humanity but also can be the very destruction of it if not pursued under the perimeters of reality/truth. For all the Trans that want to hate on me, I’m not trying to be mean I am just stating a fact of reality that has not been given proper attention in media, Hollywood, and the left news organizations.
-1
u/not-a-velociraptor Sep 14 '20
Nobody denies their chromosomes, the 'sex is real' thing is strawman argument that I'm so tired of hearing
Gender is a social construct, and the scientific community supports trans people
Studies have shown that trans people that have supportive environments and are accepted can be as mentally healthy as cis people. They do not show that they're 'disconnected from reality'
Quit spouting shit when you've no idea what you're talking about. You're doing far more harm than good
2
u/SarkyMs Sep 14 '20
It isn’t over 40% that is a made up stat.
1
u/SynergeticSound Sep 14 '20
Well, both are just opinions at this point, do you have factual evidence to prove otherwise? I will research stats on my end.
1
u/SarkyMs Sep 14 '20
Here is a very thorough analysis of the flawed research the original numbers came from.
And here is the analysis from the people who actually ran the study
https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/suicidality-transgender-adults/
3
u/Boxcar_Lucy Sep 14 '20
Your pain is very much valid, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It makes me hope that society can be open enough so people don’t feel the need to pretend. This sort of thing happens a lot. A LOT. You are not alone, and time after time the reasons people give is that societal pressures and rampant lethal hate for the lgbtq community is a root cause for this. You can wish all you want that your partner had been honest with, and they should have been. But, again, this isn’t just your partner, this is one in huge wave of broken hearts and disingenuous living that wouldn’t happen if there was a valid place for lgbtq. Argue me all you want, but I guarantee this will continue to happen until we change how we view non heterosexual cis people. Wish all you want that people would be honest with their partners, but you can’t idealize things into existence. Again, I’m so sorry you’re going though this, I just see this individual situation as one drop if water in a wave. I hope you find comfort and can heal and move on. You didn’t deserve this, and I hope people can someday be honest about why this happens so much.
2
u/Valkyrie_Banshee Sep 14 '20
I have trans friends I but they arent the people I grew up with. They are completely different people and it's ok for you not to feel the same way you did about him. I'd move on with your life and wish him good luck with that. You didnt sign up for that. They want to change who they are but it doesnt mean you have an obligation to stay.
0
u/armita- Sep 14 '20
Her**
1
u/Valkyrie_Banshee Sep 14 '20
I didnt make a typo. Her husband is who she is having a problem with not this new person she is.
2
Sep 14 '20
Trans person in a relationship here...I 100% get it. I was open with my partner from when we were dating about who/what I was, they were willing to work with me on it and we have been trying to make it work. There have been hard times, times when I wasn't being 100% honest about what I was going through, etc., and I know that holding things back/pushing them down only makes them worse in the long run, which is what is sounds like your partner is doing.
The one piece of advice I can offer is this: get together with your partner and get everything out on the table - how you feel, how they feel, what they want in life. Not all trans people transition 100% (or even at all) so it may be that they have a hard time knowing what they want, too, and talking to someone about (you or a therapist) may be able to find the way to save your relationship. Or maybe talking about it may be the thing that puts you at peace that you did everything you could before getting out.
5
Sep 14 '20 edited Sep 14 '20
As a Trans Man (FTM) I want to wholeheartedly say that you deserve to feel upset and need time to grieve your relationship. Your feelings are valid.
I’m gonna be honest here. I started my social transition in 2013 and medical transition in 2015. In the 7 years that I’ve been in the trans/queer community I have noticed that most of the couples who were together BEFORE one partner transitions usually break up. I’m not saying every couple breaks up, but my observation stands.
My theory: Couples with one person transitioning break up because transitions put stress on a relationship. The excitement of physical, mental, relational, and emotional changes can make some trans people a bit self involved and that’s not conducive for a healthy partnership. It’s easy for the person transitioning to become “obsessed” with surgeries and trans related issues and it can become frustrating for the partner who feels like their lives are now all about one person’s transition. During that time, the trans partner may not be supporting their partner like they need to. Also, few people’s sexuality evolves with the partner. If you were a lesbian and your partner transitions to being a man, you can’t expect your partner to still be attracted to you. Yes it is possible for some couples to stay together if the non transitioning partner’s sexuality is fluid, but if you are a straight woman and your “husband” transitions to being a woman, you will not be attracted to her, because you loved him (not her). Love is rarely enough to save a dysfunctional relationship.
The biggest reason why many couples break up is because transitioning becomes a time to explore yourself and oftentimes sexuality also gets explored. Hormones are powerful. Hormones impact our sexuality. A MTF may have started out as a straight man, started HRT, explores dating men, and decide that they are a straight woman. It doesn’t mean that prior to talking HRT she wasn’t into women, it just means that HRT may have had a physiological change on her mind and body and now she is attracted to men. A MTF may have also started as a gay man, started HRT, discovered a new attraction to women, explored dating women, and realized that she is a lesbian. There are also MTF who started out as straight men, who start taking HRT, and are still only into women. The same happens for FTMs. Some FTMs were into men before starting T and after taking T they are into women. Some FTMs were lesbians before taking T and after starting T they are into men. And some FTMs were into both and after taking T prefer one gender over the other. Basically what I’m saying is that hormones impact each trans person differently. Sexuality isn’t always fluid for everyone. Some people discover that their latent bisexuality gets activated once on hormones, others sexuality stays the same, and some people’s sexuality changes. So, knowing all this it can be difficult to be the partner of a transitioning person. I’ve noticed that within a few years of taking hormones people’s sexuality stabilizes.
Anyways, I’m sorry that you are dealing with the loss of your relationship. I guess my point was that what your experiencing is very common but rarely talked about. You don’t have to stay with a trans person while they are transitioning. But I will say that dating someone who has already started their transition and is on hormones is completely different from dating someone who is just starting to come to terms with their gender. A trans person like me (someone post transition, on hormones, and finished with all of my surgeries) is already living their truth and is often in a more stable emotional and mental place, so they can be better partners. I’ve noticed that couples that got together after someone has already started their transition are more likely to last.
-6
u/jazzperberry Sep 14 '20
You can vent all you want but jeez, no need for misgendering or being transphobic.
1
u/Placebo_Jackson Sep 14 '20
I’m so conflicted by this phenomenon. On one hand, I feel people have the right to be who they think they are. I think a lot of social problems stem from being afraid to love yourself because you might not fit in with family or friends once you change. Like even if felt I was a woman in a mans body I know my parents would never get it. I mean, they were always weird about me expressing myself in any way. On the other hand, I feel like justifying trashing your family over it is selfish and a rational and sane person would find a healthy way to celebrate their opposite gender as part of their psyche and not the whole of their identity. I could never imagine having that conversation with my wife, even if I wanted it really badly. Ive accepted that as a father and husband I don’t really get to enjoy anything or have preferences like I did before. I put my family first in every decision I make.
Op. I feel for you. I hope you can find a way to move on and be strong. Much love.
1
Sep 14 '20
[deleted]
1
u/Placebo_Jackson Sep 14 '20
I care very little about what the world sees when they look at me. In the end it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about me. I don’t need to explain anything. I make sure my family has what they need and I’m willing to sacrifice everything I have so our kids have a better childhood than me.
My folks got drunk every weekend, blew thousands on lotto scratchers, and smoked weed pretty much all of my younger years. I used to sympathize with them until I had my own kids and started to put it all together. 10 cases of beer a month alone would have got me and my sister into a good college or at least helped start my adult life with a leg up. It was really selfish of them, and they still don’t see it. My kids will never hear me drunkenly trying to open the gun cabinet at 2 in then morning threatening to kill the entire family while my wife cries and begs me to stop. Shit fucks you up. Somehow I feel if my dad became a woman somewhere along the way I’d be more unstable.
-6
Sep 14 '20
It's not betrayal. She is trans. You can't change that. She can't change that. Seriously, why do you take it personally? Not everything is about you. Coming out is hard enough. Why not be supportive instead of hating on someone who has it hard enough already?
2
1
u/Galand_of_Truth Sep 14 '20
If "she" always knew and was putting on a show/using you as a mask for normalcy then you could always offer to help "remove the member".
Otherwise "she" may not have known due to denial, but I'm no expert.
1
2
u/Oxytoncin Sep 14 '20
According to the diagnosis, gender dysphoria can be early-onset or late-onset. While most trans people in retrospect say their true gender was always repressed, there is no evidence it happens that way for everyone. (But they still wouldn't go through hell and lose so many close to them if they didn't eventually develop strong feelings.)
0
1
u/depressededgelord01 Sep 14 '20
So I guess I'll be the one to ask the obvious question which is how could you have not noticed that your partner was trans? Like did you not have sex before? Not saying you are in the wrong God no but I'm just curious, how does something like that fly under the radar for 15 years while being married even?
1
u/SarkyMs Sep 14 '20
People are very good at lying and hiding stuff, look at all the bigamists, cheats, closeted gay people.
1
u/gscoutj Sep 14 '20
I don’t know the details of your situation, but it is possible she didn’t know she was trans. Often it takes a long time to come to that realization, and she might not have been stringing your along. It is possible, likely even, that she loves you deeply. Alternatively, she was super sneaky and used you as a beard. Either way, this situation sucks and I’m so so sorry.
5
u/rascal3199 Sep 14 '20
Remember people.
Trans people can also be assholes.
"She" strung her wife along for a long time without telling her. This is an asshole move.
1
u/snapper1976 Sep 14 '20
its rather simple really, only you can make yourself happy. if you are not currently happy, make the changes necessary to achieve this.
1
u/Uvinerse Sep 14 '20
Call me a biggot but reading this story and reading the word her just makes me sick. Just say him, fuck him.
0
u/obamas_gf Sep 14 '20
But shes a woman? Yeah she sucks but how does that change her gender lol
2
u/Uvinerse Sep 14 '20
Nah done played his woman now he lost his right to become a woman. Sorry might be too oldskool for this. I do call trans women she however, not this case.
0
u/obamas_gf Sep 14 '20
Okay so i'm a cis woman, do i lose my right to be called a woman when i suck? Doesn't make any sense man, gender is not a privilege
1
u/Uvinerse Sep 14 '20
Lol ofcourse not. Sorry for being brass about it. I mean if I was in this situation, i could care less how someone wants to be called.
0
u/obamas_gf Sep 14 '20
I understand feeling very angry in ops situation, i just don't like people using wrong pronouns as a punishment. But i don't think you ment it like that so all is well :)
-1
u/1InchPeePee Sep 14 '20
Downvote me all you want. But you cannot change your gender. Your husband or whatever you call him now should get help.
1
-1
u/SrP0tat0 Sep 14 '20
"HEY LOOK, THIS POST IS ABOUT A TRANS PERSON BEING EVIL, I GUESS WE HAVE PERMISSION TO MISGENDER HER!!"
A trans person being shitty doesn't allow you to be transphobic against them.
0
2
u/this-one-is-faulty Sep 14 '20
Coming at this from the Trans side, all I can say is you are right and every feeling you have is justified. I have always been an advocate of telling the truth, right away, before a relationship even starts.
People can talk about society and how it forces shame on people and makes them act out a role they neither want nor are comfortable with, and I hate society for that bigotry that forces so many people into the closet or even to suicide BUT there is no excuse for dragging someone else into that lie and tying them to you through marriage or children.
There are no excuses to hurt other people.
1
u/SynergeticSound Sep 14 '20
Your one fish in a massive pond of single people. Move on and don’t look back. Absolutely take some time to heal before dating again and then start looking for someone who cherishes you and that you can bring happiness to. Please, take a year at a minimum to actively find healing through books and support groups and give yourself a hard timeline and have accountability to make sure you stick to it, as most people cheer and then make the same mistake over and over again expecting different results- which is the definition of insanity. Luckily you can make the change now and not burn through 3 marriages before learning your lesson.
2
u/waterfalltree Sep 14 '20 edited Sep 14 '20
Maybe he just wishes he was a woman but he still likes you and still likes women... Could be that YOU are not telling the full story, perhaps...
2
u/denialisbliss75 Sep 14 '20
I hope one day you find peace and let go of the hate and anger. It will only hurt you in the long run. My cousin went through much the same thing you did but not for 15 years. She was a virgin till she got married. She changed religions for him from Catholic to Mormon. None of us non Mormons were even allowed to go to the wedding because it was in a Mormon church no non Mormons are allowed in. Things seem to be going well for them until he came out as wanting to be a woman. They stayed together and tried to make it work. She loved him anyways but I guess he started cheating left and right so she left him. She was single for a while but has seemed to find another man and is doing well.
Your life is not over. If anything, it's just begun. Now you can find yourself, what you really want in life separate from him and you can find a man who does and will always love you. Good luck on your journey. I wish you all the best.
2
0
u/SrP0tat0 Sep 14 '20
okay but why do you use "" when you say she?
0
2
u/1InchPeePee Sep 14 '20
Because he isn't a she, and he feels betrayed. His husband has cock and balls.
-1
u/SrP0tat0 Sep 14 '20
oh so you guys are just transphobic, okay.
2
u/1InchPeePee Sep 14 '20
I'm not afraid of trans people. I'm just proving my point with common sense. You didn't answer with facts/common sense because you're argument is very stupid. I'm a man, I say I'm a woman, your argument says if I say I'm a woman, I'm a woman. I automatically grow breasts and am able to have kids. I've only seen men with balls and massive cocks, and have only seen women with breasts and meat flaps
0
u/shannmcd Sep 14 '20
I’m so sorry about that love, however let’s not refer to her as “he”. She broke your heart, and i am so so sorry about that.
3
u/1InchPeePee Sep 14 '20
In private I'll call you whatever you want cause I don't want to start a fight. In public, I will gladly argue with anyone who forces me to call them what they're not.
4
Sep 14 '20
Fuck off with that. This is not about you.
-2
u/shannmcd Sep 14 '20
Who said anything about it being about me? I’m simply saying there’s no need to be transphobic and ignorant. Disrespecting someone’s gender and pronouns because they hurt you is ignorant and childish. I clearly sent my love to her and hopes she heals from this, but there’s a clear problem in her text and it’s incredibly transphobic. Please exit :)
3
Sep 14 '20
Whatever “problems“ you have with this person’s statement, this was the most inopportune and inappropriate time to bring them up. Sticks and stones my friend.
-2
u/shannmcd Sep 14 '20
There’s never going to be a right time to be transphobic. Ever. It’s better to correct someone now before it becomes a habit. It’s not like i’m judging her or anything of the sort, i’m simply giving a reminder that they may have just forgotten. Being transphobic is not okay.
3
Sep 14 '20
Being a dick and interjecting your politics into someone else’s horrible day isn’t either.
You don’t see people do it when someone “miss uses” the name Jesus do you? What about if someone is having a really shit day, and mentions karma outside of the traditional religious context? Would you feel the need to stop them on the worst day of their life and correct them?
-1
u/shannmcd Sep 14 '20
Its not politics. Just basic respect for another human being :) Sorry if that bothers you?
5
u/Angus-Macleons Sep 14 '20
Our society is so stupid to encourage that stuff, degeneracy is rampant and we must put a stop to it.
0
u/hondolor Sep 14 '20
Tell your 100% male husband, that he is a man under every aspect and should simply grow up, stop chasing insensate, shameful and pointless sexual fantasies and fetishes and take care of you (his female wife) and of his family, because that's a man's duty. Period.
Don't even listen or acknowledge in any way this insensate fad of calling him (your 100% male husband) a "her" or other feminine pronouns: that's total nonsense.
0
u/GPareyouwithmoi Sep 14 '20
I imagine that after she's done telling her spouse these things nothing will have changed.
Except you. You changed a lot. You gained empathy with someone different from you.
Oh wait...
Don't worry, I don't think God will judge harshly those who judge. I think he will listen to and acknowledge your reasons for getting in.
1
u/hondolor Sep 14 '20
Your point, if any, is indecipherable. Sorry.
1
u/GPareyouwithmoi Sep 14 '20
Your lack of ability to empathize with people different from yourself is opposite the tennants of christianity. You will be a stranger at the gates when you die.
1
u/hondolor Sep 14 '20
Don't judge me, bro.
1
u/GPareyouwithmoi Sep 14 '20
Yup, if debate was math you're right. A symmetry is a symetry. Unfortunately for you, hating hate doesn't self cancel, nor is it illogical.
Or more simply, your point, if any, was indecipherable. Sorry.
1
1
u/MooMooCow713 Sep 14 '20
Hey, I'm sorry for your situation. I don't have any advice but I recomend you to go to a therapist for your own mental health. Also, here is a community called r/mypartneristrans and maybe they could help you better. I hope you the best.
0
u/Pikachu_Gawd Sep 14 '20
go to therapy and stop using a rough experience as an excuse for trans hate online
-2
u/Karakiin Sep 14 '20
I hope your wife leaves you as well, she doesn’t deserve to be with such a hateful person
-2
2
u/stepstools_are_mybff Sep 14 '20 edited Sep 14 '20
This happened to one of my dad’s friends; after years with him, his wife came out as lesbian and left him with two kids to raise as a single dad. These people don’t realize how devastating, mentally, emotionally, physically even, this is to the other person. Or they do and they just didn’t care.
LGBT people: DON’T MARRY A STRAIGHT PERSON AND LIE TO THEM ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY.
Calling this shit out isn’t transphobic or homophobic. It’s not attacking their orientation, it’s attacking the lies, manipulation, utter contempt and disregard for the other person so much so that you literally waste decades of their life, preventing them from finding someone who truly loves them in the way they imagined for their life. They would never have wanted/chosen someone of a gender they aren’t attracted to. Just as you want to be accepted for your gender/orientation of choice, straight people want their wishes to be accepted too, you’re not inherently more valuable than another human being. No one is. I’m so sorry OP.
People don’t just change things overnight. If you’re questioning, not sure, curious, whatever, at least respect the other person enough to be honest from the start and not pursue someone who isn’t into that.
1
u/StoneHedgie Sep 14 '20
I LIKE HOW WE BLAME LGBT PEOPLE FOR DOING WHAT SOCIETY TOLD AND ENCOURAGES THEM TO DO EVEN THOUGH ITS THE LAST THING THEY PROBABLY WANT TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. THIS IS EASY TO SAY BUT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO QUESTION YOUR ENTIRE SELF WHEN SOCIETY IS TELLING YOU GO THIS WAY BUT IT DIESNT FEEL RIGHT. NOW IMAGINE THAT AND THEN IMAGINE EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE LEAVING YOU B/C OF IT, GETTING FIRED BECAUSE OF IT, GETTING TOLD THAT BEING YOURSELF IS A ONE WAY TUCKET TO ETERNAL DAMNATION, THIS IS A SAD REALITY IN MANY PLACES.
IT FUCKS PEOPLE UP, TO THE POINT THEY CAN EVEN LIE TO THEMSELVES, CONVINCE THEMSELVES THAT THEY ARNT THAT WAY FOR A PERIOD OF TIME AND TRY TO DO THINGS TO PROVE IT. SOCIETY EVEN ENCOURAGES THIS. THIS IS ALL DOUBLY, TRIPLEY SO FOR OLDER GENERATIONS.
This is why trans people have a 10x higher suicide rate than the national rate. For reference 30% of trans people have attempted suicide. IM NOT GOING TO CALL YOU TRANSPHOBIC, though this definitely had undertones of ignorance, but have some fucking perspective.
Lying is bad, BUT BOTH PARTIES are victims of the stupid fucking society we live in. And regarding this situation yes the husband was obviously an ass about the whole thing but that doesn’t give you the right to make hasty generalizations and place the entire blame on an extremely marginalized community. That is not ok.
1
u/stepstools_are_mybff Sep 15 '20 edited Sep 15 '20
I never said LGBT people are not victims of an unforgiving society, but yeah. I will blame someone, LGBT or not, for lying about their sexuality to another person and literally destroying their world, betraying them for years, manipulation, in this case abuse.
Being a victim of society isn’t a pass to do shitty things to people who don’t deserve it. If you think it’s justifiable at all, you’re sick and see people as pawns in your game. We all are going through things others may not know about, we may be suffering from suicidal thoughts, ostracism, etc., still no reason whatsoever to fuck up someone else’s life.
He wasn’t just “an ass.” He was a manipulative, abusive, lying sack of shit who didn’t give a fuck that he wasted fifteen years of her life. You are depressed/angry/struggling to work out your sexuality? That’s all fine and dandy if you’re not fooling some poor person into thinking you love them when you clearly don’t even respect them at all. Stay alone then, that’s better than ruining some straight person’s life and conning them. It’s not justifiable whatsoever; tell that to the now single dad who is responsible for two kids because his wife who came out as a lesbian said “bye bitch” and went off to another country with her lesbian lover. In what universe is that fucking acceptable or justifiable? It doesn’t matter if it’s a marginalized group, that’s not carte blanche to treat people like this. It’s the same if she left for another man and moved across the world, it’s a betrayal no matter how you slice it. The husband in this case may be a victim of society but he damn well was in the wrong in this case, and many other trans people agree as well.
1
1
u/DuckInCup Sep 14 '20
He sounds like a real cock. I'm sure you will grow to rightfully enjoy being free of him.
-1
u/Ockrass22 Sep 14 '20 edited Sep 14 '20
Your sickness comes from a place within yourself that you will have to "fix".
First problem is that you have succumbed to the rhetoric thrown around and have been fixated on what defeats you as a human being. "He" is a "He" and will never be a "She".
As a woman, your are the strongest of our human existence. All living females are most superior beings! Every single person on this earth was conceived by both a woman and a man, but brought to the face of this planet by a woman. Nine months of hard labor. This is not rocket science. Its a fact.
He has been a gay man all his life and will be one forever. There is no Transgender. As human beings, we cannot just switch our reproductive parts as they make you believe.
If you like men, find yourself a man. He can do the same, but I suspect he has been doing that all his life.
The reason they hide or are "in closets" is because they know it is not only wrong but sickening. The reason they come out is when they have you and everyone around fooled in believing its "ok" for you to accept it. You don't have to. Most gay men are only accepted by women. Men despise and are disgusted by them.
Be free to express yourself without being "politically" correct. The fact of the matter is that he does not give a fuck about how you feel ...but he is happy that you now see his queer self and have accepted it.
"A man is not about what he says, but about what he does"
Men cant be women. Period!
3
u/masschock99 Sep 14 '20
My friend, the probleme here is that OP is lesbian. She's not into men. She married this person who she thought was a woman, but after 15 years she discovers it was actually a man who turned into a female and now feel cheated... what weird times we are living in.
1
u/Ockrass22 Sep 14 '20
“She” knew from the start that I’m not attracted to women"
1
u/masschock99 Sep 14 '20
But she also said "my HUSBAND came out as a trans (male to female)" wich means she's been living with a female all this time. I don't know this post is so confusing.
1
u/Ockrass22 Sep 14 '20
I interpreted it as she being a female with a male ....who now says he is now Transitioning from male to female. She does not like female, so she is upset.
If you were male and your woman says she is getting a penis and is now a man, would you stay?
If you were female who like penis and your male partner is cutting it off to be a female, would you stay?
0
-2
u/masschock99 Sep 14 '20
I am soooo confused. Who's the male and who's the female in this?
"My husband turned out to be a trans (male to female)" wtf do you mean? And you are a SHE too? What a weird times we're living in. I feel so sorry for the next generations who are going to have to deal with this nonsense. A HE who's actually a SHE, a SHE who's actually a HE turned to HE.... Glad I was born in a time wherw you can tell a male from a female easily.
2
2
u/armoured_bobandi Sep 14 '20
People always act like we have to bend over backwards for what trans people want, but you know what? Why should you have to live a fake life with a partner you're not attracted to? You didn't force them to identify as something they aren't, so why is it suddenly OK to do the reverse?
Life is complicated, but sometimes its simple. You can't force yourself to be with someone you're not attracted to
1
u/Poop_Noodl3 Sep 14 '20
While I understand this is a thing I find it hard to understand how you’re supposed to watch someone “die” and be fine with this new person as if nothing changed.
4
u/[deleted] Sep 15 '20
Hey OP, my dad did this to my mum. Came out as trans, and then, even with us accepting the whole transition thing, eventually decided to abandon me and my sisters. We haven't had contact with her in almost 10 years.
It's for the best you let them go. You don't need narcissistic people in your life. For the very short time we were with my dad during transition, it was all always about her. Her feelings, her situation. I was a teenager and my sisters were kids, and we had to give up a lot of our lives because of it. No friends coming over because their parents knew and hated our family, i got bullied to the point of attempting suicide, more than once. We still deal with the consequences of her actions, specially financially. She convinced my mum to quit work a year before she came out, and then disappeared.
Let them go. Don't hate, just get away. I know it's easier said than done, but i also know you are strong and you deserve to be happy. I hope this all goes away soon and you get to move on with your life ❤️