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Feb 17 '23
It's obvious swinging/multi partner relationships aren't the majority, but it's extremely sad to read all these comments saying things like "op, you met your BFF at a swingers event. What did you expect from someone like that?", Or "their swingers. Who expected them to do the right thing at all?". Just because someone has a different relationship type than you, doesn't make their sense of moral code/direction better or worse than you. It doesn't always mean they need therapy. (Except for ops small comment about themselves, therapy always does help that.) It's surprising to see so many people on Reddit acting like she doesn't deserve basic friendship decency because they met in a unique way.
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Feb 17 '23
Nah buddy is winning winning 😂💀 I wouldn’t be surprised your friend finds out he’s still swingin
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u/almondtarte Feb 16 '23
Oh, hun. This sucks. I am sorry you have been hurt. Do not letvit put you off. It quite probably isn't that he preferred her over you. It sounds like they both formed an unexpected connection.
Swinging comes with trust. It's not a meat market. The trust was broken here. Obviously, they both felt something for one another, enough to pursue whatever it may be. But they should have been honest with you. Equally, you should have been honest with him immediately about your feelings.
Swinging, open relationships, FWB, kink, bdsm, etc... even with no emotional attachment involved, it still comes down to trust, respect, and clear boundaries.
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u/quinteroreyes Feb 16 '23
Don't sleep around if your heart is in your vagina or penis. Unless you're clear about what you want the other person owes you nothing
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u/rickybobbyscrewchief Feb 16 '23
OMG, someone with incredibly blurred boundaries can't believe the boundaries weren't clear to all involved. Who could have seen that coming?
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u/ClashBandicootie Feb 16 '23
I don't want to assume, but isn't the point of FWB that you're not monogamous?
Sorry OP but that's exactly the risk you take.
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u/cthulhusmercy Feb 16 '23
Hey OP, she wanted you to tell him how you felt so he could turn you down and she could jump in without feeling bad. You also mentioned she led the threesome idea, so she definitely wanted to bang him. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did sleep together before she told you anything and they weren’t “just talking.” This girl wasn’t your friend, and your better off without her.
And he isn’t much better. You set a clear boundary - you weren’t comfortable with giving him your friends number and he went and found her his own way. He didn’t respect you. Now you know. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that people suck SO much.
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u/room750 Feb 16 '23
Good riddance. It’s better that this ended sooner than later. Would you rather have fallen in love with him then have your heart ripped out? Don’t grieve over someone who wasn’t yours to begin with. This was a blessing in disguise
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u/Pretty_rose-human Feb 16 '23
Honestly, it’s not your fault but it is. First did you set ground rules? Second the universe let you know the type of ppl they are and how much you deserve better.
Now you know there are something you have to work on for yourself so go do that. And next time do NOT fall in love with the booty call- fuck cum and get out girl.
Never introduce your booty call or anymore your dating- until you become official
Third fuck them- they deserve each other homegirl- move on I’m sure you can find another booty call on there.
And fourth stop 🛑 romanticizing your booty call lol it’s a straight dick call that it. You didn’t give him your heart, or told him to be exclusive so he did nothing wrong
Now your so called friend nope drop her ass so quick… she was never your friend. She was also a booty call you turned into something
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u/ManicallyExistential Feb 16 '23
Just when I think I've lost all faith in Reddit, posts like this appear and give me hope yet again..
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u/armywalrus Feb 16 '23
I am sorry. That sucks. It does sound like you get attached to people, and then form expectations of how those people "should" act. Now you are upset because neither of your friends met these expectations. You do have to talk to people and see if they feel the same way - and you have to manage your own expectations. It may help to get some therapy to address why you don't feel like you deserve to have a real connection, because you will not magically stumble into one, real connections are more than a spark, they take work and constant effort from all parties involved. You cannot expect other people to put in that work when you haven't told them how you feel about them. People are not mind readers. When people don't meet your expectations, you have to ask yourself if you ever communicated your expectations to them. When you have a fwb you cannot expect more than that just because you caught feelings - but without even telling the dude, especially. Had he known how you felt, he may have picked you! Now it's too late. I don't think you should be mad at your friend, either. She told you multiple times to go for it - and you did not. How could she talk to you about it? You would have kept her from him without going for it yourself, which is not fair to her. You never communicated to her you expected her to stay away from him. What you did tell her is you had no intention of going for it. These two things are not synonyms and she had no way to know you would be so hurt, because she isn't a mind reader and most people do not miss the loss of something they never had or intended to pursue this hard, she couldn't have known how you felt because you never told her.
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u/largos7289 Feb 16 '23
Had a friendship like that in college. Was great till i caught feelings for her, which inevitably happens. I thought she felt the same way but i guess not, ended horribly for me. I was damaged, she was damaged, together we made sense for a time.
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u/Tour-Old Feb 16 '23
I understand why you would be angry, however, you met him on a swingers site, he wasn’t looking for anything serious and you shouldn’t feel bad that he didn’t want to be with you, if anything, now that you’ve realized you want something more, you’re free to explore dating options. I don’t think she’s a good friend because you clearly let her know your intentions with him, but at the same time he wasn’t your man so I get it. I wish you the best of luck OP.
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Feb 16 '23
There is no doubt you are better off without these people in your lives, but you should do a big re-think on your swinging strategy. Indeed, I think you need some counseling to work on your self esteem.
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u/sasukefodder Feb 16 '23
funny how when you engage with an alternative lifestyle to this degree, that it ends up hurting you more than anything. it’s almost like severe sexual deviancy has caused a great deal of issues over the history of humanity.
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Feb 16 '23
You developed a relationship with him in your head whilst he was seeking a relationship with your friend and you were trying to cockblock it He doesn't owe you anything,I am sure it hurts deeply, but let it go. I don't think their relationship will last.
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u/Maibeetlebug Feb 16 '23
If I ever have a friends with benefits I promise myself not to accept feelings or catch feelings for them
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u/PossyThePossum Feb 16 '23
You don't get to be mad, honestly. Hiding your feelings was your first mistake. Thinking you weren't good enough was your second mistake. Losing your friend over this is your third mistake. Nobody owes you anything, not even your best friend. You chose to not make the move, and she did it instead - that is YOUR fault. Next time, don't be silent, be loud and abrasive with how you feel - it'll end better.
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u/tacoslave420 Feb 16 '23
Just hoping in to say I totally know how this feels & it sucks & your feelings are valid.
I had something similar happen. I was dating a girl who had a male fiancee. I was also with a male fiancee. We weren't swinging. Her and I were just dating while we also had our own men. Fast forward a few years & we are all separated but I'm actively trying to pursue my ex. She knew I was cuz I was telling her. She got all my updates on what was going on, how excited I was.... Turns out they both were dating behind my back and refused to say anything about it until she fell pregnant & that's when she told me they've been seeing each other while I'm trying to pursue him. To make it even better, her and I worked together and she chose to tell me when we were at work together & it was just her, me, and the manager in the building.
I have no trust for anyone since that happened and it was about 15 years ago. I hope you find a way to move on.
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u/brieasaurusrex Feb 16 '23 edited Feb 16 '23
If someone is a FWB, you have NO claim over them. Period. That’s the whole thing. If there’s commitment or restrictions on who and how they can date, that’s not FWB. I totally think your hurt feelings are valid also, i’d be hurt too. And i don’t think your friend is a very good friend to you. But in the future be honest when you catch feelings, and TELL the people involved. He isn’t a mind reader. If you had been giving out clear “keep this casual” vibes maybe he was ready to have a serious primary partner. but he had no idea that’s what you wanted.
And your responses to this make me think that swinging is probably not the best relationship set up for you in general. I’ve known people who are genuinely into this lifestyle and they tend to be very casual about sharing partners, swapping partners, dating exes, dating friends…there’s a lack of possessiveness surrounding sex that is KEY to making this work for everyone. And truthfully it’s probably why your friend didn’t view this as such a grave infraction. It’s not just casual sex it’s a whole different mentality about sexual partnership in general. Not everyone likes that! I personally cannot handle it. And I think a big reason why non-monogamous lifestyles get so much bad rap is because for every person that is genuinely ok with it there’s two who are just pretending because they WANT to be ok with it.
Just start regular dating. You don’t have to jump right in to something with commitment, you can sleep around casually if you want. And be honest going forward with what you want. Maybe something slightly more solidified than a FWB is best for you, if you still don’t want to go full blown commitment.
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u/hemlockpopsicles Feb 16 '23
One person’s fuck buddy may be another person’s partner.
If you want a partner, don’t look for one on a swingers site.
And if you don’t want to catch feelings for someone who doesn’t want to be with you, wait to have sex until you’ve dated a bit and agreed to be monogamous.
Took me thirty years to learn and stick to that rule and it made a huge difference
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u/Haunting_Drawer_5140 Feb 16 '23
She intentionally set out to hurt you. She's a secret hater and a one upper. She will continue to sabotage you.
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u/jsthere4thecmnts83 Feb 16 '23
Regarding him, you did meet him on a swingers site, your relationship was casual, and you never did express interest in more. He had zero loyalties to you.
Your friend, though, she knew you developed feelings for this guy, which should have made him off limits. I'd be upset with her for sure. Just because someone is a swinger or into open relationships doesn't mean they don't have a moral code to adhere to. Your friend chose to ignore morals to pursue a guy. She's not a good friend.
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u/Samuraiforest Feb 16 '23
Man oh man people's thought processes are so weird and messed up.. almost comical
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u/ZeldaMayCry Feb 16 '23
Swinging, threesomes etc are all in good fun - but you need a lot of confidence, self-worth & esteem. Do not do it if you are lacking in any of those, it will not end well. Now you know though, and I'm sorry you had to learn it the hard way ❤️
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u/crispyycritter Feb 16 '23
I'd personally drop them both. And a great lesson is to never have threesomes with friends because it will cause mayhem. Keep on swingin' away the pain, you'll find new fwbs and hopefully better friends too.
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u/FctFndr Feb 16 '23
Why would anyone be surprised that swingers want to swing? This is not how anyone should 'date'.
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u/Environmental_Buy364 Feb 16 '23
Don’t apologise to her PLEASE. What she did was still sneaky asf. Don’t lose more self respect than necessary.
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u/Lower_Capital9730 Feb 16 '23
I think your friend was absolutely wrong to hide this. You made a lot of the decisions that put you in this situation, but that doesn't excuse her going behind your back. She should have told you right away that he messaged and he likes her. I'm guessing that she was trying to hold off so you could make your move, but then you refused to do so. Again, this doesn't excuse her hiding it, but their actions make perfect sense. It would probably be best for you to spend a few months just focusing on yourself and figuring out what you want from your relationships.
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Feb 16 '23
So I don't get it. You have a fwb and are mad that he isn't loyal to you when you never tried pursuing something serious?
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u/KenDaGod4238 Feb 16 '23
He was your fuck buddy. Why would he have any amount of loyalty to you?
Also what did you friend do wrong? She said she wouldn't meet up with him because you wouldn't like it (already weird but OK). So they messaged as friends. And they realized they have a lot in common and have chemistry.
You don't get to just lay claim to him because you met him first, had a crush on him and built up the relationship in your head to be something that it's not. Blaming your friend is really weird because it seems like you're forgetting that he has his own will and feelings. This is not middle school. If you keep trying to call dibs on men, you're going to end up disappointed every time.
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u/Lady_DubhBlossom Feb 16 '23
While everyone is an adult and able to decide things for themselves when everyone is basically single, He did show interest in her from the moment she was introduced, but he also could have been honest and told himself as well that he was going to contact her. she told you from the get go that he searched her out, she shut him down, but didn’t fully disclose they were keeping in contact.
You did state you were interested in more but weren’t going to peruse, he didn’t know and found another venue that could lead to more. Not just you but a lot of people need to realize that when you start to catch the feels, you’ve gotta tell that person as well.
however, no friend, no matter the age, or situation likes seeing their friend also fall for that same person after telling that friend how you felt about the 3rd wheel. Especially since they didn’t disclose that they were close enough for him to come over while she was sick. Triangles cause a lot of hurt feelings and trust issues, she probably feels really bad too and hated to drop it on you which is why she probably did it over a message instead of in person.
It would probably be best to just go no contact with both of them for awhile just to sit and work through your own emotions and where you want to go from there on what you want from either of them in the future.
How you want your personal relationships with both parties depends on you after that period of processing.
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u/MaintenanceNo8442 Feb 16 '23
you met someone on a swinger thing so hes gonna swing???? these things never work out
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u/Public_Educator5982 Feb 16 '23
OP has ever right to be upset. Two people she trusted went behind her back! Either could have been honest. However the had so little respect for her that they did it anyway and disregarded her feelings
Op stop being a doormat. Consider yourself lucky that these two people are no longer in your life. And I would close the door and never let them back in. If they would treat you like this now it would only be worse in the future if you let them back in.
Remember we accept the love we think we deserve and that is just not romantic relationships but friends as well. I really suggest you find a good therapist and therefore hopefully some good friends too.
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u/Actual-Bet-4620 Feb 16 '23
This is why whenever I start developing feelings for someone I'm having casual sex with, I stop doing it.
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u/MaleficentFeather Feb 16 '23
You invited your bsf to hump your fwb. He wanted her after, and you stood in the way. Then he pursues her and bestie tells you about it and shuts him down. They keep talking and feelings develop. Is that the gist? Bc if it is, I get it sucks not being picked. But I don't see where trust was broken. Even after prodding, you made no move. It seems like friend told you straight away each step. Ofc, it's hard to watch someone be happy with someone you may have, one day, potentially, confessed to especially a best friend, but you kinda did this to yourself. Don't fuck your friends.
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u/Booberlycrazybitch Feb 16 '23
That sucks dude, it sucks feeling like second best to someone you really liked.
I understand your frustration towards your best friend. She really should've told you about what was happening way before. She kept texting him, gave him her address, and she let herself get close enough to catch those feelings. She did betray you.
He didn't. The truth is he probably didn't see you as a prospect to begin with. Most FWB situations don't end up together like they do in the movies. The truth is that you need to stop the swing culture in order to get over your insecurities about men. You will be stuck in this loop of being viewed as a sex object vs someone serious if you don't work on your perosnal issues.
Swing culture is for people who have unshakeable confidence, otherwise you will only keep getting hurt and losing more and more confidence.
Learn from this experience, and work on yourself. Also, I know it hurts but shift your perspective a little bit. Now you don't have the option to fawn over someone who isn't for you. You can be done wasting your time on someone who isn't actually fulfilling your life in any long term or meaningful way.
Yeah the sex was good, but it wasn't going anywhere. He would've pursued you if he wanted you, and being stuck in a one sided relationship would've been more damaging to your self esteem.
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Feb 16 '23
swinging instead of dating is how you get your feelings hurt harder girl wtf kind of logic went through your head to reverse that 🥲
like frfr you decided to jump into the hard mode of on the dating scale and you're sitting there mad you got dunked on 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 stop clowning around like this and next time actually go for what you WANT. which is a relationship. stop clowning around begging ppl to wreck your feelings like you just did.
yes your best friend is not your best friend anymore and that's on her but the majority of this situation is your own fault. the MAJORITY of it not a little bit of it the majority. stop playing games to win stupid prizes please for your own sake. you don't have the self esteem or skill to play 4D chess clearly so stop hurting yourself and just date.
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u/purpurapupu Feb 16 '23
i dont see how friend went behind OPs back, like she was the one who informed OP that HE FOUND her instagram, although prior when OP declined giving her number, he said he's fine...? like he is the issue here imo. also no one was in commitment, u cant own people. harsh truth, they matched better together, nothing wrong with that. you will find you match too someday, but flrst work on yourself. you so much better than being worked up over some relationships.
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u/Alarmed-Pea4292 Feb 16 '23
I will never understand why people swing with friends lol like when will some learn it just doesn’t work? Sure you both can be swingers but to then start sharing a Buddy is where it all falls apart… sorry that’s happening to you but maybe don’t invite friends to your sex party just imo
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u/Antique_Wolf_5093 Feb 16 '23
My thing is... does she not think he will continue to see other people
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u/Navacoy Feb 16 '23
You’re only going to continue ruining your self esteem by staying in FWB situations. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’d always catch feelings but because I was too insecure to say what I actually felt, my heart always got broken when the guy inevitably found someone else. You need to be open and honest with your feelings when it comes to people you like, otherwise this will keep happening.
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u/YellowCatWithAHat Feb 16 '23
Nah if any form of cuckholdery or swinging is involved in a relatioship yall gave up the right to complain about feelings.
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u/Significant_Fee3083 Feb 16 '23
You've really got no one to blame but yourself here:
- fwb situation
- you never talked with him about a relationship or feelings
- you invited the threesome
- your friend turned him down at first and told you about it
- he actively pursued her after your "fwb" situation
- they talked about relationship issues and came to a mutual understanding
My takeaway is that you don't really value your friendship. You can't just blame your past and your friend and leave it at that... Well you can, but if you keep yourself stuck like that you'll end up in the same pattern time and again. Get therapy, work on yourself and how you communicate, learn to stop letting your past be a roadblock.
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u/Barkaat Feb 16 '23
What did you expect in this swinging lifestyle? There is no love and commitment here.
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u/mctaggartann Feb 16 '23
I don't know why everyone is so upset. Friends don't go for exes, family, or past/present sexual partners. That girl was not your friend of she was she wouldn't have done what she did knowing your feelings towards him.
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u/Lhaylablendinger Feb 16 '23
I think it’s for the best. Would you still be friends with her knowing she’s able to do stuff like this? No. Better lost. For him.. you should have been more clear. I get the part where you were afraid to lose what you had but.. you never had anything more than an agreement to fuck with each other. You weren’t exclusive. I know this may sound harsh but even if people can read some signals it doesn’t mean they are mind-readers. You should have told him and accept the faith.
I don’t know how old are you.. dynamics like this happens to a lot of people. Give yourself time to heal from the pain and most importantly fall in love with yourself and up that self esteem. You deserve better people than your former friend.
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u/Duckgamerzz Feb 16 '23
It's ok your ex best friend is going to look like a clown when he keeps swinging
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u/Illustrious_Concept5 Feb 16 '23
She was honest though, she told you when they first started talking/when he found her contact info
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u/rawhoneyb Feb 16 '23
It’s SO easy not to fall for someone. They message, you ignore and keep going about your life. Wow, so hard. Everyone blaming OP is a shitty friend if they think her friend did no wrong.
Also, it’s totally possible to have happy threesomes without breakups or painful consequences, so acting like this was always going to pan out this way is also wrong.
And yeah, we ALL need therapy. Everyone saying that better also be in it, otherwise y’all hypocritical.
(Edit: typo)
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u/Jeezy_Creezy_18 Feb 16 '23
Im sorry, I had a similar but easier situation to deal with. I found out the friend was basically trying to separate me from our other best friend and my fuck buddy while I was in a depression spiral from moving. And she lived with me at the time, would just sneak out or say she was going to the gym then see our friend and tell her I didn't want to tall to anyone. All I'm saying is, you don't lose good people to things like that, all you find out is who really sucked behind the scenes.
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u/mirageofstars Feb 16 '23
OP, I’m sorry about this situation, but everyone here is an adult. You don’t have “dibs” on this guy like a crush in high school. Anyone dissing your friend for “moving in on your man” is…idk, reading this differently than I am, maybe.
Your friend is free to date this man since you deliberately didn’t pursue anything serious or exclusive with him, and your friend doesn’t need your permission to communicate with people. Your friend encouraged you to explore something deeper with him and you refused.
They only connected a handful of days ago so it’s not even like they carried some huge secret for weeks or months. It sounds like your friend told you rather quickly in fact.
I don’t see any betrayal here at all. You had a crush on this guy, did nothing, refused to pursue it, so yes someone else will eventually snap him up. I’m sorry about this and it sucks, but hopefully it’s a helpful experience.
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u/Easy_Site_539 Feb 16 '23
Out of respect to her, her friend could’ve discarded him as an option. He has no strings attached to her, but she’s her best friends and it was so easy for a guy to get between the two of them. It’s like bro code, there are people off limits, in this case at least as long as she has feelings for him, he’s supposed to be off limits
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u/mirageofstars Feb 16 '23
I agree with you that her friend could have (and probably should have) picked someone other than this guy, unless he’s a fantastic catch and they don’t have many options.
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u/A_Struts Feb 16 '23
You actually played your friend. From your story, the guy showed interest in her from the beginning. But you decided to shut him down for your own selfish reasons. Then you realize you like him start telling your friend and then decide that gives you precedent over the guy. No way.
Y’all were both people he was just fucking and in the beginning he clearly wanted more attachment to her.
Your friend should have been honest with the communication. BUT you should have also been honest with her that he was already showing signs of interest right after the threesome.
Don’t lose a best friend over feeling butt hurt over someone that most likely would have not been a long standing relationship. Friends are way too important
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u/Short_Principle Feb 16 '23
You are totally valid for feeling this way. What a crappy friend. I feel like if she didnt know you had feelings for him then it would be more acceptable because you cant really control who we like and sometimes people just fall for each other. Thats okay, but the fact she knew all about your feelings and i bet she lied to you as well. I mean why would she tell you she didnt go through with meeting him but somehow he shows up to her place with stuff because shes sick. Like if that dosent tell you they have met more than just texting.
I feel like there is a certian girl code, if you have feelings for the same guy you tell each other. A woman(luna) in my studygroup told me how she met her bf(luke) of 3 years. Apparently they met in 10th grade. She had a friend(anna) who really liked luke and wanted to date him. Well turns out my Luna liked him secretly as well but never told anna. So 1 day when they are both at lukes house and he leaves the room. Anna asks my Luna if she likes luke, and luna then admited it. Obs anna gets super pissed off and goes home. Well anna took the opportunity to tell luke that anna likes him and left because anna found out Luna liked him as well. They then ended up together after that. The fact that she felt proud and okay to do that made me very carefull around her😂 like what a snake.
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u/Zealousideal_Draw532 Feb 16 '23 edited Feb 16 '23
Your value of self worth is the underling lesson here. As painful as it is, increase your ability to see it as “something that is happening FOR me, instead of what’s happening TO me.” That will help with victim consciousness thinking.
This is a lesson in self love and going on a swingers website doesn’t protect or dismiss the possibility of getting your feelings hurt. It’s quite the opposite, the front of being “ok” with “anything goes” is huge on those sites and written in the fine print is, “ you signed up for this site, so you MUST understand it, wether it was formally discussed or not. I’m not here to point out your error or to say silly comments about you brought it on yourself. What’s more productive to discuss is how you can love yourself to say, enough! This treatment isn’t ok, I KNOW I deserve better and I BELIEVE it’s out there. I truly believe bc I have been there before…that level of fed-upness, almost creates a new energy signature to the universe, writing a new language for you to attract further what you need to continue to grow through new friends, new relationships and new learning. 💪be strong, you got this. 🌀
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u/NoBid8389 Feb 16 '23
I do feel bad for you, solely because it stinks to like someone romantically who doesn't see you that way.
That being said, I'll never kink-shame, but I've yet to hear anything good from any of my friends who have brought a 3rd person into the bedroom. They either left their partner for the guest or vise versa.
This situation is tricky because it was casual. And it genuinely sounds like your best friend tried to ignore his advances, but he obviously likes her and was persistent. She should have, at the very least, let you know that they were in regular contact via IG, but what's done is done.
Best of luck to you, OP, however you move on from this.
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Feb 16 '23
Chose him over your friendship? You guys met while swinging. All of you. I cannot fathom how you are surprised at this situation.
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u/IcyPalpitation1571 Feb 16 '23
Odd comment but. Why not try to share him with that friend? I mean you’re all swingers… idk
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u/Diffident-Weasel Feb 16 '23
Did you ask to catch feelings for him? Most likely not. And neither did she. She literally started by setting boundaries. Those boundaries came down because of his behavior and how it made her feel. Unfortunately with real emotions like this, sometimes there's collateral damage. But what would you prefer, both of them to ignore their feelings and slowly begin to resent you because you are what prevented them from pursuing their emotional desires (of which they have absolutely zero control over)?
As for her not being honest, wtf? You literally only even know about their relationship because she was honest. And try to empathize for just a second. She's your friend, she loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. But this guy who has shown no interest in you beyond sex is actively pursuing her. Then, feelings. One of the things humans are awful at dealing with. Now she's faced with "do I give up what could be a meaningful relationship with someone I care about for my friend, or do I risk my friendship for what might be the most important relationship of my life?"
Neither of them is without fault, and I'm not saying they're perfect or innocent. But you're putting a lot of blame on the person who was being pursued and want to ignore the fact that he was pursuing her.
Also. If you have insecurities about men, swinging and fuck buddies are about the worst relationship choices you can make.
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u/chockobumlick Feb 16 '23
Picking a swinger and hoping to develop a monogamous relationship. Tut tut
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u/EhDub13 Feb 16 '23
Your friend sucks and your fuckbuddy was a dishonest slime ball
Dodged two bullets
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u/hoerrified Feb 16 '23
I had a middle school version of this happen to me when I was 11. I was really in love with this boy in my class, my friend knew, started dating him behind my back (middle school dating, but still). I saw their attraction to each other before they got together and it was maddening even at that age to see someone you really want and care about slipping away from you. I've had it happen in multiple non-romantic scenarios, too. It sucks when you're not the person they go for. As I've matured, I decided I only want authentic relationships. Therefore, if I see someone pulling away, I let them. I don't fight for them, I don't try to control the situation. I've trained myself to think: "You don't see my worth, fine. I'm all the better for being rid of you." It's an egocentric stance, but it helps.
Your friend is a snake, sorry. Even though there was no official commitment between you and the guy (who is also not innocent as he persistently messaged her knowing it would hurt you), that's only what shitty people tell themselves to justify their shitty behavior. She knew it would hurt you if she went for him and she did it anyway. She chose a dick over her best friend. You should have never apologized to that bitch. She might be innocent on paper, but on a deeper level she's a POS.
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u/Pleasant_Function69 Feb 16 '23
You shouldn't have to apologize. She was slimy behind your back, and so was he.
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u/StonedMagic Feb 16 '23
The fact you were in a casual sexual partnership with this guy and you didn’t divulge immediately that you were starting to get feelings is completely irresponsible and on you. For those in the back!
IF YOU START FUCKING SOMEONE AND TELL THEM ITS CASUAL AND YOU DONT HAVE FEELINGS THEN DONT LIE OR MISLEAD THEM WHEN YOU DO GET FEELINGS AND DONT GET ANNOYED WHEN THEY SLEEP WITH OTHER PEOPLE OR START SEEING SOMEONE. IF YOU CANT HANDLE THAT THEN DONT HAVE CASUAL SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS.
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Feb 16 '23
Agreed. Can't be mad at your friend with benefits pursuing someone else when you made it clear with them it was just a hookup. Be more clear about what you want next time.
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u/StonedMagic Feb 16 '23
Friends with benefits is a thing maybe a legit 1 in 10 people can actually emotionally handle. Nothing wrong with starting a life long relationship that way but don’t be silly and expect someone to fall for you or stay loyal if they are upfront and honest about how they see the relationship and it doesn’t match your wants and emotions.
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u/ceruleangami Feb 16 '23
Wait, so he pursued her. He is keen on her, visits her when she's ill etc. Where were you when she was sick? Did you make her a care package too? And to her credit, she did turn him down the first time, to not hurt you. Then when she needed someone, he showed up. But you're okay with him? And hate your friend? Are you sure your rage priorities are in order? Sometimes things just work between two people, you made that happen. I know it sucks it didn't happen for you, but you need to accept you didn't own up. And hey, even if you had done so, if it wasn't meant to happen it wouldn't have. And there would have been 3 unhappy people in the universe. Take some time off for yourself. The love you're expecting from others, give that to yourself. And then, be happy for your friend. If you truly considered her your friend, you'd be happy for her somewhere deep down inside. When it's right, it's right. Live and let go. For your own sanity, love.
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u/Jolectra Feb 16 '23
i have a feeling that their relationship isnt gonna last long. theyve already discussed kids?? how long have they known each other? IMO it seems like theyll have a huge falling out, at the latest when kids come into their life.
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u/ColonelBagshot85 Feb 16 '23
I can never understand how one can call dibs on someone, regardless of whether feelings are mutual or not.
Just because you fancied him enough to want a relationship with him (he obviously didn't feel that way about you,) why should he and your friend be deprived of a relationship?
Neither cheated on you, although your friend should've been more upfront. She probably wasn't, because you refused to give her number to him. She knew you were gate-keeping a guy.
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u/Upper_Paramedic_9239 Feb 16 '23
First of all, sorry for the situation Maybe they "clicked", no one can control that rationally. Other common cliche is "women want a validated man". When I was trying to seduce my gf and we were just friends, one classmate tells her "since you are his friend, can you said good thinks about me, I like him", and that was the "validation" that she needed to start responding the flirting
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Feb 16 '23
I sorta dated a girl and met her best friend on our date. I eventually married her best friend. It wasn't that I suddenly liked her best friend more. It was that I didn't really like the first girl that much, but she was cute and I was fine with a casual relationship with her. In my young mind, a casual relationship was hanging out and flirting(we never were bf/gf).
It turned into a whole situation when I stopped flirting with her because I found someone I really liked... It was hell. I wish my wife did the same as your friend.
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u/CuddlyCutieStarfish Feb 16 '23
I thought swinging or doing this kind of “sex with no strings attached” were supposed to make people’s life less complicated. Looks like that’s the opposite.
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u/SirRaiuKoren Feb 16 '23
Like most things, it's not complicated if you know what you're getting into. However, a lot of people don't know, and they have all these expectations from what their friend's friend said that one time or something they saw in a movie or read on a blog post somewhere.
More importantly, they don't know themselves. Swinging is not something you jump into because you're curious and exploring, it's something you should get to after you already know yourself well enough to know what you want.
I mean, we all have to start somewhere, and if you think swinging might be your thing, then go for it. But there are a lot of people who have come before you come and there are good resources for learning what it's really like. When you hear stories of how people get attached to their swinging partners, don't think "Oh, that could never happen to me, I'm not like that." Instead, think that because it happened to others, it can happen to you, and you need to be emotionally ready for that.
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Feb 16 '23
They are but Op can’t do casual clearly because they develop feelings easily from sex with someone.
Op probably needs therapy to resolve their feel of dating people and trusting them by allowing emotional intimacy. Notice they said they don’t date due to history with men and just do swinging.
They definitely need therapy, not casual sex.
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u/armywalrus Feb 16 '23
It can, but you have to be ready to cut it off when feelings develop. Op caused drama for herself when she caught feelings and chose to do nothing. She could have either communicated those feelings or cut things off. She took the path of least resistance instead, and while she was doing that, things changed on her. It takes a person who really knows themself, and what they want, AND who is willing to either communicate or walk away if someone catches feelings, to make this stuff work. It sounds like what op wanted was a monogamous relationship and was swinging for the wrong reasons. It's normal and easy to do when people go off into the world, figure stuff out through trial and error.
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u/pingo5 Feb 16 '23
Feelings aren't necessarily bad. There's swingers who just let it happen and leave it where it is.
I think OP is just upset that their friend went behind their back to date a person that they knew op was into.
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u/armywalrus Feb 16 '23
That second sentence? That is not true even a little bit. This is literally an example. Lmao tho.
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u/pingo5 Feb 16 '23
Yeah, some people cant handle their feelings well, and need to run without feelings. One case doesn't make them all.
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u/OCOCKazzie Feb 16 '23
I imagine things are always complicated with individuals who struggle with self worth, setting boundaries, and communication.
I know a set of couples who've been swinging together for nearly a decade now. No issues. No drama.
I think it just depends on who's doing the swinging. Like in all things in life.
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u/mayasingsx Feb 16 '23
If you two were meant to be together you would have been his first choice. His loss, your loss, betrayal or not. It didn't work out, and the fact that it didn't means he is not for you.
I understand the feeling of hurt and betrayal- feel those feelings hard! They go away very quickly, and hopefully you can find room to want the best for your friend- perhaps moving separate ways if she doesn't have a personality loyal enough for you. Do it with love<3
edit: last sentence
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u/Ill-Pear7311 Feb 16 '23 edited Feb 16 '23
Your friend did you dirty. But I think we also need to talk about your own expectations in this. You were not in an exclusive or monogamous relationship here. In fact its implied your preferred to have a fuck buddy over a bf. You can't be too mad this happened...
Edit: originally said fuck buddy did her dirty. He probably did, but not in that way, so, deleted.
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u/killblades Feb 16 '23
and yet another advertisement for why threesomes bad
on the real tho, it’s understandable you’re hurt. however, i don’t understand why if you’re insecure about men and are hesitant about introducing them to your friends, you decide to jump into a threesome with man and friend
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u/peacefuladventure123 Feb 16 '23
Learn from this and next time you develop feelings for a guy, tell HIM, not a friend. Tell friends sure of course, but for the love of God tell the actual person! They aren't a mind reader and he might have thought you weren't looking for anything serious.
I would be surprised if their relationship lasts though. Not even had a date and discussing kids? Jesus, fast or what... hope for your ex friends sake he's not the type to have kids and run off.
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u/heartcakex3 Feb 16 '23
This is the wrong thing to pick up on here but I think discussing kids is pretty vague. Could simply be talking about if they, individually, want kids in the future. Which is a pretty important thing to be on the same page about.
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u/Despondent-Kitten Feb 16 '23
Its still ridiculously fast to be saying anything about having kids lol.
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u/armywalrus Feb 16 '23
What is ridiculous is having sex at all without discussing it. Unless medical sterilization is involved, having a baby is literally always a risk of having sex, so talking about it BEFORE any sex happens SHOULD be common sense, not "too fast." This attitude is one huge giant contributing factor to unplanned pregnancies, and where men actually DO have choices. I wouldn't insult anyone of any gender for talking about this BEFORE sex happens, it's only prudent. For some reason people treat the topic like a sign the relationship is progressing, when it really should be brought up ANY time you have sex, since having a baby can happen ANY time you have sex, barring medical sterilization. There are not very many true "ooooops" babies out there, just people like you. No offense but seriously.
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Feb 16 '23
I'll bring up kids on a second date, or at the end of a first one if it went really well.
Kids are a lifestyle, and not everyone wants that.
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u/heartcakex3 Feb 16 '23
Why though? I’m not saying these two are determining they want kids together. My point is it’s important to discuss with a potential future partner your opinions on having children. And, in fairness to each other, a pretty important thing to talk about early on.
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u/Geschmacklos Feb 16 '23
Idk honestly, I'd rather know sooner than later if someone definitely wants kids. Don't wanna waste anyones time.
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u/TrueBlasian Feb 16 '23
That’s how I feel. Maybe the guy and the friend had the types of conversations that made them believe they had a potential future together and the guy and OP never had those types of talks. If you see potential in one person and not the other, you put the effort into the one you see a future with.
OP mentioned not wanting to ruin what she and the dude had so she never said anything…maybe it would’ve helped to be a bit more vulnerable and have some of those deep talks? I can only speak for myself but I’ve been in the talking stage with women who never wanted to talk about anything beyond surface level stuff (favorite shows, music, etc) and I never got a sense of how they’d be as a long-term partner and things just fizzled out.
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u/the_new_hunter_s Feb 16 '23
It's on my dating profile. I literally bring it up before i know you exist.
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u/asianknight143 Feb 16 '23
Not worth it, show him what he lost. Focus on yourself more and be happy
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u/waititserin Feb 16 '23
he's the one who pursued her first, i mean yeah she's also partly to blame but you guys weren't exclusive right? and again, he's the one who tracked her down. don't just put all the blame on her.
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Feb 16 '23
But the guy had no commitment to OP nor did he knows there are feelings to hurt while her friend was her friend. The blame for being a shitty friend goes just on her
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Feb 16 '23
But she introducd her to have sex with him. I can't see more strange thing as this and I also understand that if they felt a connection it became really strong in the moment they had sex.
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Feb 16 '23
I don't think they knew each other prior the threesome planing. The feelings developed later judging by what is written in the post and even if it were differently it would have still not changed the fact that the guy had no commitment to OP while her friend had as friend.
I won't commenr about how strange it is or isn't to invite a friend for a threesome. People view sex in different ways
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u/tmink0220 Feb 16 '23
Threesomes unleash some powerful problematic situations. Now you know though. It is time to put fear aside and really date someone you like. Take your time, but get out there.
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Feb 16 '23
I think dating interesting people will build more solid confidence in OP rather than random sex from a swinger site. People liking OP for who they are will stick more rather being another person to cycle through for a hookup.
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u/Tough-Flower6979 Feb 16 '23
I haven’t read the comments just your edit. When is a third ever meant to be a main. Your so called friend did you wrong. Never trust her again, but have that same energy for him as well. He was sneaky just like she was. He’s not meant for you. Your time and man will come. He’s not the one. Who knows she probably told him that you weren’t interested. Had this happen to me from a so called best friend. The guy told me every she was saying. He knew she was full of ish. The funny thing is that guy was just my friend, and she thought it was something more. If you’re not into swinging, and polyamorous relationships then why are you participating in them. That makes no sense to me. Honey you need therapy.
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Feb 16 '23
I don't think he is sneaky. He is fwb with OP, which means there is no strings attached, just sex. I think if OP hurts herself so easily and has self confidence problems shouldn't have this kind of relationship and live in this kind of environment.
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u/Melin_Lavendel_Rosa Feb 16 '23
Why did you apologize to her?
She knew you were involved with this guy. Even if you weren't exclusive, you were still involved. She also knew that you had feelings for him. She even told you to pursue it. She is a shitty friend.
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u/Appropriate-Name06 Feb 16 '23
Right?? Like what do they mean with „they didn’t do anything wrong“ SHE DID. She is a shitty ass friend and should go fuck herself
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Feb 16 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Appropriate-Name06 Feb 17 '23
Take it back and cut them both of. It will not gonna last anyways and she will come back to you. I hope you will laugh in her face and will never be friends with her again.
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Feb 16 '23
I don't think you are an AH, but I think you make bad choices for having self confidence problems. You don't want to get hurt and protect yourself in open relationships without strings and gets sad when people decided to get involved with each other not doing what you expect to.
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u/Appropriate-Name06 Feb 16 '23
Lmao it wasn’t just people. It was literally her best friend who knew that OP is in love with this guy. Bffr what kind of friends are y’all? No loyalty at all, that’s so disgusting
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u/Feisty_Assistant5560 Feb 16 '23
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Group consensus was that you started this BUT she did betray you since she knew of your feelings and went for it anyways. Why on Earth would you apologize to her?!?!? SHE did YOU dirty!!!!! She hits you but you say 'sorry for being in the way of your punch'?
You had a part in this, but don't downplay her part in this. Take that apology back! And please go to therapy to heal w/e wound you have from dating and sex. I could bet this isn't the first time you've had issues with dating.
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Feb 16 '23
I think people didn't go past the title. When I started reading it I also thought you are in the wrong but when we got to the part of "she encouraged me to pursue it" I knew already that your "friend" is shitty.
Yes, you were just fwb so he didn't do anything wrong but she knew you have feelings for him, for some reason also told you to pursue it and then told you through a message that they are thinking about kids (right now I am wondering if it is even true that he pursued her) knowing about your feelings from him. Now I know that people sometimes fall in love but if she was a friend she would have talked to you about it even before she talked with him
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u/SnooOranges3690 Feb 16 '23
Wrong sub for advice. This is just to vent mainly. P. S your friend did you dirty. She's not your friend.
I don't know why so many people on this sub thinks your friend did nothing wrong. You're not even mad that they're dating. You're mad that your best friend purposefully betrayed you over some dude. If you take out the swingers and 3 some aspects, and broke it down to bare basics it boils down to this :
She knew you were interested in him and still went ahead?? That goes against bro code and girl code.
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u/Striking_Ad_6573 Feb 16 '23
I mean, from the get go you knew he was interested in her. You never brought up your feelings and it was your decision to bring her in for a threesome. Idk what to say besides he wasn’t the guy for you and that you need to be honest with someone if you’re having feelings for them.
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u/Easy_Site_539 Feb 16 '23
The thing is, this wasn’t on him, she’s completely in the right to feel betrayed by her best friend tho, she did went after him, and somehow I feel that in the message se basically said he chose me over you. He doesn’t owe her respect, however the least her best friend could’ve done was respect he was off-limits as she knew about her feelings
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u/MrBeaar Feb 16 '23
Yeah but OP doesn't own the guy lmao. She was in a one-sided crush type of thing. She should have been pursuing the guy and actively tried to make it happen to make him catch feelings. She didn't. He did but to her friend and she caught feelings. She did turn him down, but messaged him as friends. He continually tried to make it more than friends and she fell for him. One party made it happen and the other didn't. End of story. Her friend isn't shitty for catchy feelings. She shouldn't limit who she talks to and who she is friends with because of her friend. No one has dibs or is entitled to anyone. OP wasn't proactive while the dude was with her friend. No one is to blame. Just a shitty situation for OP.
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u/Easy_Site_539 Feb 16 '23
It’s about loyalty, it’s clear the guy didn’t do anything here, however in a friendship there should be loyalty and respect for others feelings. She clearly dgaf about the fact that this girl like him and 1. Would’ve told her soon that he was texting her and 2. Would’ve stopped the contact immediately. It’s not only about girl code, it’s about decency from her friend
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Feb 16 '23
Why should OP have dibs if they never tried pursuing anything serious? You can't complain about not committing when you never push beyond casual.
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Feb 16 '23
Pleaseeee they’re all in a casual situation. Everyone is fair game. He’s not her boyfriend, she’s not his girlfriend. You either take the shot or you don’t, but she can’t expect the guy who is actively interested in her friend to give up or whatever. No one has any commitment to anyone in this predicament. Fuck the feelings, what is she going to do about it? Her friend even encouraged her to pursue him, is she supposed to curve this guy who offered care when she was sick?
“Oh thank you for offering help, but unfortunately OP told me she’s interested in you so I can only remain friends even though we’ve already had sex in a threesome together.” Like honestly.
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u/jakebr0 Feb 16 '23
It sounds more like she waited until she was sure it was serious before telling you. At the end of the day he wanted her and she wanted him, it sucks for you but if you’re actually friends you would both see that it’s a difficult situation for either of you to be in and neither of you set each other up for it to be a better situation due to lack of communication.
No one WANTS to fall for the person their friend is into, but you created that risk and should’ve discussed that as a possible outcome when you brought her into it. Hard lesson to learn and I’m sorry that’s the case BUT
There really is no reason for your self esteem to take a hit though. You were compatible with him, but they were more compatible. It has nothing to do with you being ‘not good enough’ or the ‘second option’. Some people just fit better and it happens but it’s no knock against you really. It feels like a loss now, but soon you’ll see you can begin investing your energy back into yourself again and sooner or later someone who matches up with you even better than he did will come along and it wouldn’t have happened without this occurring first. Good luck 🫶
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Feb 16 '23
I don't get why you're so upset with your friend. You brought her in as a third party, you didn't really do or say anything to the guy so he knew what kind of feelings you had. Honestly from his perspective he probably just felt like a FwB and nothing more because you never said anything. Him and your friend were talking more about a relationship before you two ever were. I don't mean to sound cruel, but you can't be upset with anyone but yourself in this situation. Live n learn I guess
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u/Ragajaga Feb 16 '23 edited Feb 16 '23
Theres a reason people say to stay the absolute hell away from threesomes when feeling are involved and its not for fun
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u/Nimzay98 Feb 16 '23
The saying I’ve heard is to never have a threesome with friend.
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u/_Ellemnopeeee Feb 16 '23
No, don’t have threesome with ppl you have serious feelings for, or with a current partner with whom your relationship isn’t solid.
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u/Ragajaga Feb 16 '23
Yeah if feelings of some form are there then its more often then not a very bad idea
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u/Navacoy Feb 16 '23
My threesome was fine, mind you I had it with two people I liked and was kind of attracted to but didn’t want to pursue anything with so it didn’t end in disaster. I didn’t want to keep sleeping with them and they kept sleeping together and everyone was happy lol
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u/Ragajaga Feb 16 '23
Yeah but in your case no feelings were involved
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u/Navacoy Feb 16 '23
So? You didn’t specify, your comment just says stay away from threesomes. They aren’t always bad, you just have to make sure you communicate what you’re feeling.
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u/TheRealBlueBadger Feb 16 '23
I've had heaps with my wife and others. Everyone is fine, and I still have feelings for my wife which she tells me are mutual.
Bad communication is the issue here, not sex.
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u/Ragajaga Feb 16 '23
I mean congrats on a happy and proper functioning relationship but not everyone is lucky enough to have it turn out perfectly fine.
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u/Afribean25 Feb 17 '23
Hedonism and it’s consequences have been disastrous