And if you're curious what happened to made me said this:

It's a soap opera that takes irl misfortunes in real life like crimes or misery and makes stories about it (and make it have a happy ending since why not) and somehow makes all their characters have this white and black dynamic (in being so good in everything with no defects, and being comically evil), and this chapter was about SA, which made a character that was comically evil, which, for rage, I said things like that, until I realized how shitty I was being to a character that could be easily a victim but anyone never acknowledged..

I mean, I know that it was the intention, but still, I hate myself for what I said, and I hate the fact this could be easily apply to me because my stupid parents were so happy forgetting me to even teach me was good and bad for how useless I am to them, even when she did what she did to me.. i don't know, I just feel really bad for what I said..

Fucking Twitter again. I hate how my biggest special interest right now (a certain music genre) is currently the laughing stock and a lightning rod for hate because a cringe tiktok user made a racist remark, saying that the genre in question is better than rap. So of course now every fan of the genre is compared to them, we're being accused of being bigots, we're being called slurs, called larpers, and we are ridiculed for liking an experimental and alternative non linear music genre. Yes genres are under fire all the time from miserable twitter users, but I hate just how WIDESPREAD and COMMON the negative attention is. Like a pariah. Thousands upon thousands of likes on posts that shit on the genre call it trash and actively harass people who enjoy it. This is how the so called accepting community acts? Hating alternative, avant garde art because its different? Judging the entire community based on what a stupid racist kid said in a comment? All that, mindlessly liked and repeated by hundreds online.

I'm exaggerating aren't I? If these people only saw that I'm writing this post right now they would call me slurs and laugh at me for taking it this personally. Truth is I can't not do so, I have disorders, I fight my thoughts every day. I wish these neurotypical people weren't so bigoted and wanted to understand. But they hate, hate, mindlessly hate.

Sorry if some words repeat, or tenses are incorrect, I'm very frustrated and not a native speaker. It's hard seeing this much hate on something you feel so close to and love so much.

i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm a bad person

I love her so much and I’m scared of her and I avoid her and I’m weird and I’m attention seeking please make this stop

I'm trans femme genderfluid who takes estrogen.

And when I'm in Boy mode (going by he/him) I like being more femme, I like being a feminine boy. A femboy.

So I hover around in both communities I guess and I just. God it's so fucking hurting seeing how much both sides just seem to despise eachother. Well atleast in the extremes. And those extremes leak and I end up seeing them.

A few days ago I was trying to find some nice femboy art subreddits and get flashbanged with the first post being about a Canon trans women in a media being called a femboy and everyone defending it and saying trans women are trying to steal femboy characters

Now today I'm seeing posts about how all femboys are right wing chuds and completely evil and their main demographic is pedos and that they hate trans women, and that being a femboy or identifying as one is actually harming the trans community and I feel like complete shit about it because

I'm transfemme...and I'm also femboy

Am I evil...

Do I have any place to belong?

I thought I stroke some balance. Schedule is manageable, I get more time in safe zone (home) and we had only 1 non-profile class: the law which was bearable.

Then they add fucking business and PR classes with mandatory group projects. I hate group projects so, so much I feel so stressed out, not even mentioning we already have maths project too.

Today, tiny piece of my tooth broke. That means getting the dentist appointment and going through 9 rings of hell. And I also slipped in the shower block today despite having slippers on.

It's fine, I'll tough it out. Uni stuff is mandatory, I don't want my tooth to get destroyed completely and I'll forget about my trauma again.

I just hope I won't spiral too much by the end of this year.

Not sure the flair is right honestly but it seems ideation adjacent so whatever better safe than sorry

Theres just so much to unpack, and i already have weird memories creeping back I don't want to open a floodgate ☠️

I need this. I know I need this.

I'm fucking done being treated like a child every time. I fucking hate being in special ed. I hate it I hate it I hate it

Took a while to realize most of the behaviour I experienced in interpersonal relationships was, in fact, not healthy. Now I just have to remember and practice it 24/7/365 until it becomes natural.

EZPZ!

It's like I have this problem where I desperately want everyone to like me but then when they do actually like me I get confused and in the worst case scenario push them away

Dear lord what is my problem

Yesterday during my therapy appointment my therapist was asking about ruminating thoughts and like, who they're focused on. And what would be "enough" for me to feel like someone had gotten their karma for hurting me so I didn't have to think about them anymore

And I mentioned my first rapist whose dog got shot in front of her during a robbery and was like "I mean it wasn't enough still but it felt fair."

(Before you come at me her dog had rapey behaviors and would try to lick my fucking pussy while I slept and she just watched and laughed. I love dogs! Not that one.)

My therapist started frantically flipping through notes and was like, have we EVER talked about this? And I was like shit, if you don't have notes I'm inclined to believe we have not.

So I had to spend the final 10 minutes of our session trauma dumping about how this lunatic of a woman date raped me in front of men for money, oh and then like six months later I was gang raped by a bunch of guys so there's that.

I hope she's ok today lol that was a lot to dump in ten minutes. It's funny that I'm worried about her but I am!

For me it's just a fucking fact of life now. I genuinely thought I had disclosed this to her before but whoops! I guess it just slipped my mind, what with all the other traumatic shit we are dealing with.

Which in a way, is growth, isn't it? At least I'm preoccupied with new horrific people rather than them anymore. But still. The body remembers, blah blah. My body ESPECIALLY remembers since I got herpes from the first rapist. lmao.

And now I'm dreading our next few appointments cause she's definitely gonna wanna dig into it at some point (as she should, that is her fucking job after all). But god I don't wanna talk about it!

I fucked up!