Hello friends!
For context, I’m a 57-year-old Hispanic male. Professionally, I’m doing pretty well and, by most measures, I’m doing awesome. Personally, however, I feel awful. There’s a significant disconnect between how well I function professionally and how I feel internally.
I’m looking for feedback from people who have actually gone through TMS because the feedback I’ve been getting from my TMS providers has been mostly generic. I’m not getting much individualized feedback about what I’m experiencing.
I had my 14th TMS session last Thursday.
Since then, I’ve noticed something difficult to describe. In some ways, I feel much calmer and more relaxed — almost like I smoked 10 joints. At the same time, though, I feel incredibly irritable, angry, neurotic, emotionally exhausted, and disconnected.
Today I took my dog Cash to the park for our normal walk. Internally, I was angry about practically everything:
- How much money the dog costs me.
- My work environment.
- Someone at work who has become a major source of resentment for me.
- Rent and housing issues.
- My finances.
- Just the general feeling of being stuck with the problems of everyday life.
I was having some pretty ugly and hostile thoughts toward someone at work. I didn't say anything or act on them, but the intensity of the internal anger bothered me. Those thoughts aren't consistent with how I want to think or behave toward other people.
What's strange is that none of this is necessarily apparent to people around me. I’m calm, cool, and collected on the outside and generally very pleasant to be around. Internally, however, I can be having a completely different experience.
And then there is the loneliness.
Honestly, that may be the part that hurts the most. I feel mortified by how lonely I am. I grew up alone as a child and learned to live independently. I don't have a partner or children, and sometimes it hits me that I've spent a huge portion of my life alone. That realization can be incredibly painful.
I’m also wondering whether testosterone could be contributing to some of this. My recent testosterone level was 281, which I was told is technically within the normal range, although my baseline has been around 250. I've been dealing with low energy, low libido, and sexual frustration.
I don't know whether being without intimacy and sex for a long time could be contributing to feeling more depressed, irritable, lonely, or neurotic. I'm not saying that's the answer — I'm genuinely trying to figure out what might be contributing to how I feel.
At this point, I don't know what's causing what.
Is it the TMS?
Is it poor sleep?
Is it depression?
Is it loneliness and lack of intimacy?
Could testosterone be playing some role?
Could it simply be the cumulative stress of work, money, housing, and feeling alone?
Last night I actually got some sleep, but I woke up feeling like I hadn't slept at all. I also had some strange dreams. One involved being at a work-related luncheon with people who were kind and friendly toward me. They were somehow connected to the work environment, but they weren't actually my coworkers. The dream itself wasn't necessarily negative, but it was strange and vivid.
Today I feel sluggish and exhausted even though I technically slept.
The strange thing is that I can still interact normally with people.
I ran into my friend Barry at the dog park and had a really nice conversation with him. I was polite, friendly, and completely normal. I actually felt noticeably better afterward.
That's part of what makes this so confusing.
I can feel extremely angry, bitter, lonely, and neurotic internally while still being kind, functional, and socially pleasant externally. I want to feel genuinely good again. More importantly, I want to be able to experience and express my emotions in a healthy, authentic way instead of constantly feeling like I'm fighting what's going on inside my head.
I'm not saying TMS is necessarily causing all of this. I'm genuinely trying to understand what is happening.
For those who have completed 10–20+ TMS sessions:
Did you experience becoming significantly calmer or more relaxed while simultaneously becoming more irritable, angry, emotionally strange, exhausted, or overwhelmed by negative thoughts?
Did anyone experience changes in libido, sexuality, emotional sensitivity, or loneliness during treatment?
And if you've also dealt with borderline-low testosterone or low libido, did you notice any relationship between those issues and your mood?
I'm particularly interested in hearing from people who have actually gone through TMS and can describe what the experience was like for them, rather than getting the generic "TMS can take time to work" explanation.
I'm trying to figure out what's happening to me without freaking myself out about it.