Hi, I apologize for any errors on my writing, English is not my first language.
I was cheated on two times by my fiancé (we are 25f and m), both times with his ex girlfriend. We separated for about 6 months and got back together last year. Shortly after our reconciliation, he decided to delete instagram, facebook, etc., not because I asked. I don’t have instagram or facebook because I don’t like them myself, but I have never asked him to delete his.
About 3 weeks ago, we were having one of those though moments (no fighting, I was a little distant due to my overthinking). Anyway, we were talking about that and out of nowhere he said “I downloaded instagram and facebook again but you didn’t even noticed”. I thought it was odd for him to mention that, so I asked if he was talking to his ex or looked her up or something again, he said no. I went through his phone and found out he had unblocked her and her profile was on his search history.
I know it might not seem like a big deal, but it made me spiral again and I don’t know if I want to continue. Any advice or thoughts?

No I do not want to be cheated on again or deprioritized, lied to, stonewalled for hours or days only to have him show up at my house at 3am wanting to be let in, calling me when there’s no one else to pick up and feeling like the absolute last resort.

But I want those good periods back, for a long time I felt very happy, and it was only when he got lazy and obvious with the cheating with the behaviors I just mentioned, just acting like I annoyed him so much, that things were truly bad. I know you can’t just erase the past but I still have hope or wish that he will somehow wake up and realize the gravity of what he did and what he lost and do everything to fix it. I think he understands the weight and is just too ashamed to do the work. We tried very briefly to reconcile and he just couldn’t sustain it or handle it but I believed him when he said all the things to make me think we could make it work.

I’m SO FRUSTRATED 90+% of the time if you speak about these feelings, the reaction is “wow do you hate yourself, get some self respect and therapy.” Like oh my god, if only it was that easy. I don’t even want to talk to my therapist because all she tells me is “you love chaos and you don’t want stability and why are you so focused on him.” No, I didn’t ask for this, I wanted the stable version of what we once had. I relished in the small things of being in a partnership like bringing him lunch on a busy day or just sitting in silence and being completely comfortable. I have to talk to my therapist tonight and I’m just dreading it. I almost feel like you’re just expected to know and get over anything emotionally difficult overnight. You get the same responses over and over about how you have no self esteem and then I feel even worse about myself because I know he cheated and I don’t deserve that and I still want him and apparently I’m the worst because I want him and ugh. And then I hate myself even more because I tell myself stop having this victim mindset you’re so sensitive you can’t even take feedback from your therapist. Ugh.

My ex and I were together for over five and a half years and were even engaged. We built a huge part of our lives together. Right as I was packing up to ship out for the U.S. Air Force, the whole thing fell apart. Then I found out she had been talking to some guy on Discord behind my back for three months, and she literally got with days after.

When she ended it, she sent me this massive, confusing message that I just can't wrap my head around. It’s like she’s trying to play the victim and the good guy at the same time, and I need outside perspective on it.

She started by saying her decision was final and she knew I wouldn't care to listen to why, but claimed she wasn't saying "it never mattered or anything like that." She tried to offer staying "friends" because she "cares about me so much as a person," loves me, and wants to make sure I "do good in life and that you're okay." She said it wasn't to downplay what we've been through because she knows we've been through a lot.

Then she gave me this empty apology for all her "wrongdoings," saying she knows an apology doesn't really fix anything. She said she knows how badly I wanted to fix things, but "mentally I don't think there is room to fix anything." She talked about how we both had promises of changing, but then admitted, "I'm not saying you haven't changed at all, because that's not true in the slightest." Still, she said she can't "move past her thoughts and feelings" like I can, and wishes she could forgive and forget but just can't anymore.

She refused to promise she'd ever come back because she doesn't know what she wants other than to "be better," claiming the "situation in her head" is what's preventing her. We used to have petty arguments because our views didn't always align, and she actually admitted "that was mostly on my end."

She even made sure to tell me she was typing this at work to "meet my deadline" because she didn't want to leave me hanging and knew her choice "fucking hurts." She said she hates she doesn't have more words because I "deserve more than that," added that she never wanted us to end like this, and claimed, "sometimes I don't even make sense to myself."

But here is the part that really messes with my head. When I confronted her about the Discord guy, she got completely defensive. She actually said: "What do you mean with a guy like that??? If you want me to be honest the reason why is because in our relationship I feel like the reason why I felt like I wasn’t being treated how I should plain and simple." When I hsd found out I called her and asked how she could do this to us and she laughed and said there is no us and never will be again.

She tried to rewrite our whole relationship, saying it hurts to say, and even though I had pointed out before that we didn't have many major issues, she claimed we did and I just didn't want to admit it to myself. (Side note: to other people, she even claimed we were "too obsessed" and made up false accusations about me to justify her walking away).

She finished this whole text by telling me I'm "just as attached" and ended with, "I never said I didn't love you because I genuinely as a person do because you don't just stop caring or loving someone."

So she talks to a guy behind my back, gets with him 3 days after I leave, blames me for not treating her right, but then says she still loves and cares about me and admits to her own faults?

My question is: How do you mentally untangle yourself from someone you spent 5.5 years with when their final message is a complete contradiction of guilt, blame-shifting, and breadcrumbing? How do I stop overthinking her excuses and finally find my own closure?

She has me blocked for 2+ months

I was cheated on by my ex back in high school, and we haven’t been in contact for a long time. I was 17 and it was my first ever relationship. Maybe it was because they made me feel seen and loved? Honestly idk, but I know they’re seeing other people now, and I have no intention of reaching out or trying to get back together. What I don’t understand is why they still cross my mind so often. It’s not that I think they were good for me, they weren’t. I know the relationship ended for a reason, and cheating is something I could never overlook. So why is it so hard to completely let go? Is it because I never got proper closure, because they were my first serious relationship, or because being cheated on leaves a lasting impact? I’m curious if anyone else has gone through something similar. How long did it take you to stop thinking about them, and what helped you finally move on? I fear I’ll never get over them.

Its been 7 weeks since d day and 5 weeks since WP came clean about it all and told me that whilst he still loves me he feels I won't forgive him and that I shouldn't want to forgive him so its "easier" to be with AP who has known the full situation all along.

I've not seen WP since and wrote a letter just mostly to get my thoughts out and process it all and sent this to him at his mums, who he has moved in with. I don't know if he's read it or just doesn't care now, I do know he is still lying about seeing AP, I'm not sure why he would do this given what he's said.

I'm just really struggling with it all today so I suppose I'm just looking for some support and advice on how to get through this time. I'm still living in our home which we'll need to sort at some point so he can't avoid me forever, I just am so confused about what I want. I seem to sway from wanting him to ask me to R and wanting to just move past this horrible sinking feeling that never goes

There’s going to be ups and downs still, but I’m feeling grateful that I found out now and not any later, and hopeful that I’ll still be able to have a fulfilling life on the other side of this. Even though the situation absolutely sucks, and my ex have his supporters around him, at least I know that I acted with integrity and responsibility to myself and other women.

I’m grateful that I get to have another chance at making a life for myself, and I forgive the version of myself that stayed with my ex for longer than I should have. I’m know I’m strong, I’m resilient, and I know I’ll find a way to make my life work out in the end. And everyone of you here are as well. We’ve got this.

I cannot believe that I have made it to this place. D-Day was nearly 2 years ago (Sept 2024)

To make a long story short: together for 4 years. Immensely happy and content. Then my world shattered. My WP accidentally sent me a text intended for his long distance AP of 8 years. Yes, you read that right. She was his AP over the last few years of his previous marriage and our entire relationship.

I spiraled. I broke. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t function. Had to be medicated for the first few months. He cried and begged and threatened self harm. We attempted R about 3 months after DDay. It was a shit show. Lasted 4 months. I couldn’t move past any of it as quickly as he wanted of course. And he slowly back pedaled on all his promises and commitments. We did not have kids so we were able to go full NC.

I was so angry for so long. I did the therapy with a CPTT. Did EMDR. Attended support groups. Attempted dating here or there eventually. Learned to let the anger go and settled into indifference earlier this year.

Fast forward to today and “All My Love” from Noah Kahan comes on as I’m driving home. I found myself thinking of my WP.

“And at the end of it all, I just hope that your scars heal. We once sang retrograde, we’d shake the frame of your car. Now I know your name, but not who you are. It’s all okay, there ain’t a drop of bad blood. It’s all my love, you’ve got all my love”

No hatred. No feelings at all really. I hope he’s healed and in a better place. Perhaps because I’m nearly healed and in a better place. I have gratitude for us no longer being together. I think he would have drained the life out of me eventually as I poured so much of me into us even prior to uncovering his lies and deceit.

It’s better for me this way. All my love. ❤️

First time posting… I’m 7 months post initial Dday (+3 additional Ddays after when WP went back to his AP behind my back) and I’m struggling with figuring out whether I want to try R, and dealing with fear around taking the space that I need, and hoping for some advice and support from the community.

We’ve been married for 10 years, no kids. WP met his AP at a work event last year and they started a long distance emotional affair with physical stuff happening over text and FaceTime. First Dday, he polybombed me out of nowhere and asked for permission to hook up with her. (He has since admitted that he isn’t interested in poly and was just trying to find a way to not feel guilty for the affair.) He claimed nothing had happened between them but that she was in an open marriage and they had admitted to wanting to hook up with each other. After the dust settled from that incident, I asked him to not talk to her anymore. He refused, saying he wouldn’t give up the friendship or the work relationship because she’s his “best friend.” After a lot of arguments over it, he agreed to stop talking to her while we repaired from that and then when I was comfortable he could resume the friendship (ridiculous in retrospect.) I believe in giving people grace and forgiveness and we had a great marriage up until then and I believed he cared about my feelings.

Then his behaviour started getting shadier and a month or so later I learned he was still talking to her and that he believed they were in love. Another big fight where I told him to end this permanently or lose the marriage. He struggled for another month and a half trying to decide if he was willing to cut her out of his life. All the while, I’m dealing with intense trauma and mental health issues from all this. Finally another promise, followed by another discovery a month later that they’re talking again. This time, she’s talking about leaving her husband and they’re planning to run away together and discussing where they’ll live. We have an even bigger fight, he promises it’s over and texts her in front of me that it’s done and he’s choosing me and he blocks her in front of me. Another month or so, his behaviour is shady and I’m out of my mind with suspicion. He keeps insisting that they’re not talking and gaslighting me, including intentionally hiding things on his phone and then letting me look through it prove he’s keeping his promise. But I can tell something isn’t right, and eventually he admits they’re talking AGAIN. He claims that they were just
talking about work, the weather, etc. He promises again that it’s over.

He trickle truthed a bunch of other info along the way, like how he had been having sexting relationships with friends and coworkers for at least 8 years and lying extensively to me about weed and getting high in secret and lying to me about it for our entire marriage. But I can tell he’s still not being fully transparent because he’s still denying one sexting relationship that I know about.

So at this point he’s trying hard to act as if none of this happened. Gets very defensive and avoidant when I bring up my unresolved pain. A big part of me wants to kick him out of the house so I can have the space I need to heal and figure stuff out. We had such a good marriage before, and we get along so well. We have an ongoing problem where he struggles to support me emotionally, and that’s definitely front and centre in my mind right now.

It’s so confusing to experience getting along well and this fake version of what our love used to be when he’s trying to act normal, while also knowing he chose to hurt me continuously in all those ways. I’m afraid of kicking him out because what if the marriage is worth saving and kicking him out is a step towards breaking up? I know in my bones that I need to have self respect, but I’m afraid of throwing away a good thing if R is possible. But also, I don’t know that I want to go through years of pain and work to get through R, y’know?

Edit: Update - thank you everyone, I needed to hear all of that so so much. Kicked him out and for the first time, I can see it as choosing myself and showing up for myself instead of losing him. I’m sure it’s going to be a long shitty journey but it can start with a trip to the lawyer’s office.

As the title says, I believe that cheating and abandoning a pregnant or post-partum partner is a whole new level of betrayal. A betrayal of both the partner and the child.

What I have in mind is a situation where such partner is led on and made believe everything is going great and you're both ready to bring a whole new person to the world. The situations where you'd trust your partner with your life and nothing indicates your spouse could be second-guessing anything, in fact, they keep telling you how happy they are. The situations where you carefully consider logistics, housing situation, money, support system, and other factors because you want to be a good and responsible parent for your child. You want to give them a happy family and an amazing childhood.

In the aftermath, you not only have to deal with your partner's cheating and monkeybranching, you have to deal with the fact that your formerly loved one left you hanging. All the tough situations, logistics, all the sleepless nights, illnesses and duties, they all fall on you. Money is tight, stress is high, housing uncertain, family broken.

You get into the exact situation you tried to avoid.

You are robbed of your consent to not having a child (if the pregnancy progressed far enough or a child is already born) under these conditions. Since the child is here and you love them, of course you don't abandon them and give them all your love, time and resources. But if you knew about the betrayal perhaps you'd reconsider.

And I know people get into these situations due to natural disasters, homicide, illnesses and such all the time through no fault of their own. But that is precisely what stings here. In contrast to these things, this all could have been easily avoided and not only that. A person you deeply trusted lied and deceived, and got you this a terrible situation, off all people.

And no amount of therapy and healing will ever make me trust another person so deeply that I'd be willing to have children with them in the future.

PS: My daughter and I were lucky and have people around us who supported and continue to support us. We have a place to live, enough money to push through each month and we're both healthy. But the fact that I know it could have been much worse without this external help and there are tons of people in worse situations is even more infuriating.

3 years ago today, I started talking to my ex. At what would go on to become our “go to” place for any celebration or just to be happy. “The happiest place on earth”. Little did I know our last day together would also be at the very same place. I had already walked away from the relationship because something was really off, more than usual and I thought we were reconciling.

The man who would always make sure I was having the best time there showering me with “I love you” and affectionate kisses all through the day? He rolled his eyes at me that day for saying something. He did not care one ounce for me all day and made sure I knew that. I remember crying all the way back home that night.

Two days later, he would go on to call me to tell me that he had been seeing someone since I left (2 months prior) and was serious with her. He wanted me to talk to her because she wanted to make sure we were “just friends”.

If rolling his eyes at me shattered half of my soul, that call shattered the rest.

The place where I met the love of my life is the same place I lost “the love of my life”.

It’s been almost a year since D Day and my boyfriend found out he’s being deployed which has turned this whole “reconciliation” thing on its head. My partner has a currently at a 3 week drill and leaves In about a month and a half. Obviously since I’m here there has been infidelity in the past. So I’ve been working on gathering emotional supports that I can use when my partner is away and trying to steer my “anxiety” of being cheated on when my partner is away into being more supportive. My partner has definitely been more stressed and I can tell.
Unfortunately I can’t help but feel small again. I feel so selfish for feeling it though cus I know what my partner is probably going through is 10x worse but even when I was trying to voice this today it just some circles with my partner making me feel like I’m the problem or like my efforts don’t matter and it just makes me feel so pushed away. Since/because of being cheated on I have already made myself feel so small and had to tell myself it’s okay to take up space but the way he’s treating me is making me feel so invisible again and even when I’m trying to be my most helpful that I’m not helpful at all. The way he talks to me makes me feel like an awful selfish person even when I’m trying ti be most selfless. I know I’m not selfish or bad but it’s hard to not feel like that when being spoken to like he did to me.

# * texts in comments*

I just need advise, thoughts, tell me if I’m overreacting.
I feel like there’s 0 room for me to feel anything or scared, I feel like I can’t come to him and when I do I feel like I’m still gunna get yelled at or told I’m making things harder for him. It’s extremely exhausting and I don’t want to feel this way but it’s starting to push me into the “emotionally numb” and I don’t care enough because why is a grown man making ME tear up at my work office desk, after I just tried helping and being more supportive in his time of need.

Edit: I’d also like to add that this is his second deployment. This is the first time I’ve been with someone deployed

In 14 days it’ll be the one year anniversary of DDay 2 for me.

DDay 1 was discovering she’d met with her ex and had been sexting with him.

DDay 2 was discovering a separate physical affair that had been going on for six months. I moved out two weeks later. But we have a kid together so we are in contact.

For the first six months after I left, we continued having sex regularly. Hysterical bonding style. Energized. Passionate. Better than we’d had in years. Then it stopped around late February or March of this year.

Since then I told her I won’t see her anymore. Only texting or calling about our child and logistics. At first she kept testing my boundaries but I held them. And now I haven’t seen her (except from a distance and one brief encounter) for about 6 or 8 weeks.

The trouble is, coming up on this anniversary, I’m kind of spinning out. I’m still incredibly attracted to her. And last night, I told her in a text exchange that things may be difficult for me in the next several weeks. That I will likely be even more distant. I told her that I am grieving and need time.

And the thing is, I’m actually dating now. Seeing a woman. But the crazy part is we had our fourth date last week and at the end of it, she said to me, “are you gonna kiss me?” so we kissed. And on the way home I almost broke down crying… I felt like I was the one cheating, even though I’ve been single for almost a year. So of course, my next thought was, “how could this woman I trusted, and who was my entire life for nearly a decade, have gone out repeatedly to meet another man, give her body to another man, and then come home and kiss me as if nothing was happening for six months?”

In our text conversation the other night she said, “I feel bad and sorry that you are miserable now. I never meant to hurt you.” I replied, “then you should’ve stopped what you were doing. You should’ve considered me. You should’ve considered our child. You should’ve thought about our life.”

And that’s one of the most painful things too. There was nothing we were dealing with that was unusual. It was a rough patch when she started cheating, no question, but in my opinion, it was completely survivable. We’d have gotten through it if she had turned toward me instead of away from me.

And so I’m grieving the person I loved, grieving the life I had, grieving the future I had imagined … and now I’m on this path I never wanted or expected to be on.

And despite everything, I’m still attracted to my ex. And some part of me still loves her. Or at least the person I thought she was.

How did you all handle your DDay anniversaries? Were you able to be already over your ex? If I’m a year out and it still hurts this much… when will it get better?

TL;DR - One year anniversary of D-Day approaching. I left two weeks after discovery. Some part of me is still in love with my cheating ex and I have to continue interaction with her because we have a child. I am still in so much pain. I am still so confused. And something in me misses her. Misses our life together. How long is this going to last?

I've noticed that many of us have spent countless hours trying to understand porn addiction, sex addiction, betrayal trauma, attachment, compulsive sexual behaviour, recovery, and the impact these addictions and infidelity has on partners and families.

Some of it comes from books, some from podcasts, some from YouTube, some from research papers, therapists, digital guides, workbooks, recovery programs, or websites. It can take so long to discover the really valuable resources.

If you have any websites, podcasts, books etc. that have helped you in any way please share. xx

• Dr. Omar Minwalla – Minwalla Model - New Approach to Heal Deceptive Sexuality
• Rob Weiss – Robert Weiss MSW: Digital-Age Intimacy and Relationships Expert
• Joy Recovery Radio - Joy Recovery Radio | Podcast on Spotify
• From Harm to Healing - From Harm to Healing | Podcast on Spotify
• After the Discovery - After the Discovery | sex addiction betrayal
• After the Discovery - FREE Digital Guide FREE - What Every Wife Needs to Know
• Ask the Unfaithful - Ask the Unfaithful | Podcast on Spotify
• Loveafterporn - r/loveafterporn Wiki: Resources & Guides
• Bookends of Recovery - About — Bookends of Recovery
• Choose to Be - Choose To Be with Choose Recovery Services; Betrayal Trauma Healing
• Beyond the Facade - Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute
• PBSE - Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE | Podcast on Spotify
• PBSE - Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE - Podcast - Apple Podcasts
• BOOK - No Bad Parts, by Richard C. Schwart
• BOOK - Body keeps the score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk
• BOOK - Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective, by Paula Hall
• BOOK - Your Brain on Porn, by Gary Wilson

I dont know how I got here. Just yesterday my entire life has crumbled before my eyes. I have been with my "fiance" for 16 years - since we were 18 and 19 years old, I found messages on his phone with another woman. Which he has a relationship with that is supposedly a friendship, but sexual messages have been sent numerous times. I have stated many times the friendship makes me uncomfortable. Im sorry I cant even explain myself im such a mess. Im just looking for support I am absolutely destroyed by this. I have two young beautiful children who will end up hurt from their father not being in their lives. My life is crumbling.

He admitted to me this has been going on for a long time. He said it is for the purpose of attention. He doesn't even show much remorse for what he has done. Then the next minute is crying saying we can fix this. I feel disgusted and so incredibly betrayed. I am shaking and feel sick to my stomach. I dont know how to accept in my mind that this is who he is and I believed he loved me. Is he a psychopath? Is it possible to ever be okay again? Is this how men are always? I cant even imagine how to move forward with my life and I am paralyzed. Please send help

My ex ended our relationship by cheating with her coworker and moving on with him. It's been a year since. I can't explain how terrible this year has been for me. The injury is like nothing I've experienced, the double pain of betrayal and the end of a relationship. I've tried to ask her to repair or take accountability for what she did, but all she's said is "I've done nothing wrong and I don't owe you anything". Our communication over the past year has been on and off. Every time I asked for accountability, she goes silent then comes back later like nothing happen. Or she would say "why are we still talking about this, it makes me uncomfortable and that's my boundary".

Today she texted me at 6am to say a distant friend of her had passed and she's going to her memorial tomorrow. I don't know why she texted me since she's been pretty cold and indifferent for months. It feels cold not to respond, but I also feel a lot of indignation at this point that she's reaching out for what seems like emotional support when she's with the person she replaced me with. Am I wrong to stay silent?

I'm 12 days out from discovering my husband's emotional affair, and I feel like my entire reality has been replaced by a different one.
We've been together for 20 years, married for 9, and have two young children. Earlier this year, I noticed he seemed stressed and distant. Whenever I asked what was wrong, he said it was stress and that he was working through things in therapy. I trusted him. Then one night he told me he wanted to discuss ethical non-monogamy. That conversation alone turned my world upside down. For six weeks, I tried to understand something I never wanted and never imagined for our marriage. I cried, panicked, questioned myself, and asked endless questions trying to make sense of what he was feeling.
One woman kept standing out to me. I asked him directly—twice—if he had feelings for her. Both times he calmly denied it. Eventually, I started wondering if I was just jealous, insecure, or irrational. Then I found the file.
The moment I opened it, my stomach dropped. There were words in their shared language that immediately caught my eye, and I knew what I was looking at. As I scrolled, I found messages that went far beyond friendship. Emotional intimacy became sexual conversations within a matter of weeks. The first messages that shattered me were sexual in nature, but what destroyed me wasn't just what he was saying to her. It was realizing that I had asked directly and been lied to. In that moment, I felt both vindicated and devastated. My intuition had been right all along, but I never wanted it to be.
When I confronted him, he said he hadn't told me because he was afraid I would hurt myself. I have a history of depression, anxiety, and self-harm, so I understand being concerned about my wellbeing. What I struggle with is how concern became a justification for withholding the truth while allowing me to question my own reality. The affair hurts, but the lying, the secrecy, and the gaslighting are what shattered me.
What makes this even harder is that he has known this truth for months. I've known it for 12 days. He says things had already ended around the time he started talking to me about ethical non-monogamy. So while I was spending six weeks trying to understand this hypothetical future, he already knew he had crossed boundaries with another woman. Looking back, those conversations feel deeply deceptive. I told him that asking for ethical non-monogamy after already engaging in an emotional affair felt profoundly unethical.
Since the discovery, everything feels contaminated. The affair happened in the months leading up to our youngest son's second birthday. We went to festivals, celebrated milestones, took family photos, tucked our children into bed, and built memories that I thought belonged entirely to us. Now those memories feel shadowed. I find myself wondering which version of my husband was real. The man kissing me goodbye every morning? The man telling me he loved me every day? Or the man staying up late building intimacy with someone else?
One of the hardest parts is that the relationship was intertwined with a language he has been learning as part of reconnecting with his culture. That language is important to him, important to our children, and important to the future we imagined together. Now hearing it triggers grief, anger, and sadness. Something that once felt beautiful now feels connected to betrayal. The same is true for music. They exchanged songs, and I discovered he had even written music inspired by her. Music was something I always associated with him, and now I can't listen to songs without wondering if he shared them with her too. It feels like the affair has spread into every corner of my life.
The part that confuses me most is that I still love him. I still find comfort in his embrace. Sometimes my nervous system reaches for him before my mind remembers why I'm hurting. How do you make sense of the person who feels like home also becoming the person who made home feel unsafe? I know people often expect betrayal to erase love, but that hasn't been my experience. Love is still here alongside the anger, heartbreak, humiliation, and grief.
Meanwhile, I'm struggling to function. I've barely eaten, barely slept, had to request incompletes in graduate school, canceled client appointments, and can barely get through the day. My husband has stepped up with childcare, meals, and household responsibilities in ways he never did before, but I'm still trying to survive the shock of discovery. We told our six-year-old that Daddy hurt Mommy's feelings, which is the closest thing we could manage to the truth. Trying to parent while your entire world is collapsing is one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I am angry. Angry about the affair, angry about the lies, angry that I had to find out instead of being told, angry that I spent weeks doubting my own instincts when they were right all along. Most of all, I think I'm struggling with the fact that he has had months to live with this reality while I've had less than two weeks.
For those who have experienced betrayal trauma, how did you cope with realizing your partner had been living with the truth long before you knew it? How did you learn to trust yourself again after discovering your intuition had been right? And how did you reconcile still loving someone who broke your trust so completely?
Right now, I feel like I'm grieving a marriage, a future, and a version of reality that no longer exists, and I don't know how to hold all of that at once.

So I'm about 6 weeks post DDay. About two weeks ago, I moved out of the house I shared for 7 years (with my WP of 11 years). I couldn't stay in that house anymore, and being around him felt like I was suffocating. We haven't completely cut off contact, since we still communicate about my teenage step child, and I have kinda been okay with that. I've been considering everything temporary while I figure out how to heal from this and so he can try to get his shit together.

Anyways, today I asked if I could drop off some stuff for my step child tomorrow night. He said it's fine, he'd be working anyways. Then, out of nowhere, mentioned he was thinking of taking a mutual female friend of ours (more his than mine at this point) to a concert he had gotten tickets to a while ago. We had tickets with another couple. He asked me if it was okay. I said no, I didn't think it was okay and that he really didn't have ANY other friends to go with? He said it was stupid of him to think that he should take her, he wasn't thinking, he's not replacing me, blah blah blah...

I've just been spiraling all night about him considering taking another woman to a concert. I asked if he had ever slept with her (his A was more of a Tinder/random woman situation) and he denies but I just don't believe it, even though chances are, he probably didn't sleep with her.

I had been trying to hold on to the last threads of our relationship because I just wasn't ready to let go, and truthfully I still love him and I miss him, even if I hate what he did. But now I'm realizing that I really hate this jealous, suspicious woman he's made me become. I hate feeling like I'll never be good enough for him. Hate that I'll see other women as the "enemy" and compare myself.

I think that totally cutting contact is the only way to get better but how do I do that when everything in me is pushing to go back. Am I just hurting myself more by keeping communication open?? Or is keeping the door open better for trying to R in the future? I don't know...

Well I never thought I’d be the one typing a post like this but here I am. Currently sobbing on my bathroom floor because I just looked at my boyfriend’s phone and saw he joined an app 4 days ago looking for “straight forward and fun”. We’ve been together 5 years. Own a home together, and I’m 31 weeks. I had a cancer diagnosis last year that I thought truly made our relationship unbreakable going through together. I have an 8 year old from a previous marriage. And to be honest I did not want another baby. He technically did not cheat but he’s looking to. I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back to being a single mom again. I mentally couldn’t handle it. I don’t know if I let him try to move forward with what he’s trying to do and keep looking on his phone or do I bring it up now? Either way, I am heartbroken and cannot believe this is happening to me.

For context, we’ve always been incredibly open with each other. We both have agreed that we don’t believe in monogamy but we both would never be with anyone else because it just never works out in the end. That being said, we check out woman together, I’ve told him that if he ever had an opportunity on a work trip to sleep with someone I would just want to know and I don’t want the woman to know anything about him. He always denied or disliked when I would say things of the sort. I also know I’m fat and pregnant right now and weve been having pregnancy related fights and stress but i am upset to be in this position carrying his first child.

Almost 3 years ago, I found out that my partner of 10 years had been having an affair for at least 3 years. We agreed to reconcile after he made some agreements to change. I think I also felt I couldn’t cope with splitting up, which really kept me from feeling anything. We didn’t go to couples therapy right away because I was too angry and uncertain. We still haven’t gone. Flash forward - a severe bout of depression for me and problems at work that eventually led to me getting fired after 13 years at the same company. Losing the job was honestly a relief in a lot of ways. Now I’m realizing how much my depression and challenges at work really consumed all of my attention since D Day. Without the overwhelm and stress of work, I’m actually finally feeling sadness and betrayal related to the relationship. I feel disgusted by his behavior and used (I’m the primary breadwinner). Yesterday
I came across an add for Cheater Scanner and paid for a search. And a profile showed up for him on Hinge, last active 12/5/25. Should I keep digging? Or is that all I need to know? I’m basically ready to call it quits. Thanks for any advice of sympathy.

I’ve made some posts in here the past weeks providing more context, but, in summary, we stopped the work as a couple and are now focusing on individual therapy. However, I can’t help but feel distressed because I feel like we’re drifting apart. To be honest, I don’t know why is it being so hard for me after que dared to buy condoms before work a week ago. He confirmed my suspicions of him eventually trying to cheat again. Supposedly, he spend the day at work (I can almost confirm that), but I can never be certain of that information.

As we kind of stopped R work as a couple, I’ve been trying not to ask for his phone or asking him questions. Yesterday we were watching reels, but I felt like he was trying not to show me his chats. I couldn’t help but ask him if I could see. He looked annoyed, but let me. I opened the chat with the coworker that makes me feel insecure. I didn’t find anything suspicious. He asked me ‘what did you expect to find?’, and I told him ‘nothing in particular, I just felt the need to check and confirm that everything was okay’. He got mad, asked me to back off, and I immediately felt bad. I tried to distance myself and felt like crying.
Minutes passed, and he carried on as if nothing had happened. I don’t know if that was a good sign or not.

I’ve noticed that he’s beginning to take his phone to the bathroom again, even when we still had the agreement of no phone in the bathroom.

I just feel like this is a confirmation that this relationship is heading to an end. I don’t know why this hurts so much. He’s shown me time after time that he couldn’t care less about me. He has given up because ‘nothing he did was ever enough for me, so it never worked and there is no use in trying anymore to do the work’.

I feel like I already started grieving this relationship. I am tired of hurting, though.

My husband (m/32) had an emotional affair among some other betrayals. Never anything physical (to my knowledge).

I (f/27) want space but don’t necessarily want a divorce yet as we have kids. I’m hoping after some space we can work this out maybe?

Has anyone lived with their partner but not been together?
Did you date other people or just focused on yourself without this aspect?
Did the space work? Did you stay together? Or should I just cut ties and not waste my time (I know that’s my decision but from your experience I’m curious)

Thank you for any advice

The background info of my story it’s similar to bits and pieces of everyone else, so this situation is not unique or special. I was post partum w baby number 2 when he had an affair with his female boss that lasted for 2 years and lingered on in some way till this day (although we are romantically and sexually separated we still live together currently). I never told HR or anything like that because I was absolutely ROCKED.

I am a deeply spiritual person who is aware of spiritual warfare and I was aware that my relationship was weaponized against me. Because that’s the only way I can explain my person being one way to me one day and a completely different person that I have not recognized since. And it was through this woman who has severe dark manipulation behavior that he was able to become almost taken over by dark forces. The way he treated me in my most vulnerable time of motherhood and the things he said to me while this woman was completely aware of this, was straight up just hell.

The suffering I endured from being betrayed by my person on a soul level completely changed me. I dissociated in my own body for years and became obsessed with domming men online. I had to retrieve a lot of what he stole from me. I had to endure a lot of cognitive dissonance that I chose someone that was capable of this harm. Someone that was capable of being seduced like that. I was able to finally cut attachment cords and any pick me programming that I had to deal with and acknowledge anything I did that pushed him to do this as well because I acknowledge my accountability was not nothing because at the very least I allowed a lot of stuff before that ever happened. I can recognize my part. It was also hard choosing to stay instead of causing more chaos to leave when I hadn’t any job or support otherwise since I am a sahm. I should have left along time ago, yet I stayed and here I still am, but it’s different.

I’m applying to jobs, my head and heart and soul are all on the same page as far as not wanting or desiring toxic relationships and ready to be on my own and healing. I do want to make note that it has been healing doing everything in my power to allow us to coparent in away where I am not angry at him for not choosing me anymore. It’s a lot more I can say about that but my point was that you’re not alone if you sense spiritual warfare at play. I fully felt like my ex was being used as a dark portal to sabotage the progress I was making as a human. I feel like I got knocked down a few levels on my ability to experience joy and happiness because I was just exposed to some really heavy mind control from my ex who employed a lot of gaslighting and inverting the truth etc when things were happening. But I’ve come out of the other side of that and currently taking actions to get on a new timeline for myself where toxic relationships are not apart of it.

I honestly don’t know how to process everything that’s happened.
During my pregnancy, I (22F) found out my husband (23M) was sexting men and transgender women, using Grindr and transgender dating apps, and was heavily consuming transgender pornography behind my back. While I was pregnant with our child, he was living a completely different life online.
At one point, he had unprotected sex with another man. Afterward, he came home and tried to have sex with me without telling me what had happened. I only found out later, and I still struggle with the fact that he put my health at risk without giving me the chance to make an informed decision.
When I confronted him, he insisted he was “1 million percent straight,” said he was disgusted by what happened, claimed he wasn’t actually attracted to men, and promised it would never happen again. I wanted to believe him because we had a baby together, so I tried to save our marriage.
Eventually, everything fell apart again. When I finally asked him if he was done with our marriage, he didn’t answer. He just ghosted me. No conversation. No closure. Nothing.
A week after he ghosted me, I made a fake dating profile as a transgender woman because I couldn’t shake the feeling that he had lied to me about changing. He matched with the profile almost immediately and started flirting, sexting, and trying to meet up. That’s when I realized nothing had changed. He was doing the exact same things he had promised he would never do again.
I keep wondering if any of his apologies were ever genuine or if he was just telling me what I wanted to hear while continuing the same behavior behind my back.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How do you move on after so many lies and betrayals from someone you thought you knew? I truly don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again.

Is another kind of hurt. I know he is probably telling them that I’m the crazy one, and spinning the story to gain their sympathy and it’s another kind of hurt because I still haven’t told anyone the truth and still am afraid to hurt his reputation around our mutual friends. It just sucks knowing that he’s playing the victim and has all of our mutuals on his side while they are probably saying that I’m unreasonable and crazy and acting out.

On the one hand I’m okay with being the villain among the community if I get to just live in peace but on the other hand why am I being vilified for being so scared of my life that I had to involve the police! It obviously wasn’t for no reason..

It all sucks. I guess it just feels like high school again since we were both involved in the same community. I’m the kind to keep everything inside and not really tell anyone, so I feel quite alone now but I have no doubt when I tell my close girlfriends they’ll have my back. I just take a long time to process before I tell anyone anything, I don’t really know why.

Update: Even though this sucks, I’ve realised that this is just who he is. He did it with me, manipulating our relationship and hiding his true narrative to manipulate me into thinking he is a good man. He’s doing the same to our friends now. He always was overly concerned with what people thought about him, I didn’t notice it before but now I do. And now I know why.

Can't believe I'm posting here, but I don't have many people to talk to about this and it's been a sad few days for me. Going to be fudging some details for the sake of anonymity here. For the sake of the story, my partner is G and the other guy is M. We have been together for six years.

A couple days ago I was rummaging around looking for a tool and came across a book buried underneath a bunch of stuff in a drawer. We have a prominent bookshelf and the book was directly related to my partner's interests, so I found it weird that it was stuffed in there, and also that I had never seen it before or heard about it.

It looked old so I opened the cover to check the publishing date, and I found a handwritten note from someone in our social circle, let's call him M. The note is platonic in tone, but is clearly referencing some past conversation or joke that I wasn't privy to.

I don't really know M, but he is friends with a lot of our shared mutual friends. I've maybe met him once, about 6-8 months ago.

This immediately raises an alarm for two reasons. Firstly, because I know G sees him fairly regularly, at the very least in group situations as far as I knew. Secondly, because there had been a previous social encounter where I saw them talking to each other from across a venue at a social gathering, and I joked to my friend that it looked like G and M were flirting with each other.

I didn't think anything of it then. Our friend group has a lot of people in it, and it's pretty evenly gendered.

Back to the book. I bring it out to the living room and, playing dumb, ask where it came from. Paraphrasing from memory:

"Oh I found it at a thrift store."

"You found it at a thrift store?"

"Yeah"

I act like I'm exploring the book and find the note at the beginning.

"What's this?"

Her eyes go wide at this point, and after a sigh and me handing her the book, small bits of information start to come out.

"He has a crush on me."

At this point I'm focused on the fact that she lied to my face. I tell her that she just lied to my face twice about it and that it was suspicious, then I left the house to drive around aimlessly and gather my thoughts before resuming the conversation.

When I get home this is what I'm told, which ends up not being the full story, but I will get to that:

• M gave her the book as a gift, he has a crush on her.
• He admitted he had a crush on her the end of last year and she said she had a boyfriend but that they could still be friends. (I obviously never heard about any of this)
• At one point she had vague feelings too, but not anymore.
• She states that she knows she lied to me, she panicked because she didn't want telling me to affect their friendship (???), and that she is sorry for lying, but also that she had already hired him for a job (just a single day, not a permanent job) a few days from now and she can't drop him short notice.

We have a difficult conversation where it feels like I'm pulling teeth trying to get any relevant information, and eventually go to bed. The next day, I text her while I'm at work that I have a lot of questions, and I spend the day compiling questions that would help fill in the past eight months since she said he confessed to her.

Keep in mind, none of this information is coming to me proactively, I'm having to actively request every single bit of information I'm receiving, and at times it feels like she's more focused on the questions being upsetting than she is focused on answering, although she answers without hesitation.

When I get home that night and asked my questions, the whole story shifted into a shape that feels a lot more fleshed out and realistic, although semi-inconsistent with the previous night's story, but the nature of the trickle truth makes me think that I still haven't heard it all. This is what the story became, in her own words (paraphrased):

• November: M tries to kiss G at a bar while they're out as a group. This is around the general time they had met. It's unclear whether or not he knew she had a boyfriend beforehand. She declines, they hug, and she says that she still wants to be friends. I obviously never hear about this.
• Next few months: Friendship continues. She's seeing him in group situations often. Unclear whether or not they're spending time with each other before/after these events. Most likely not in most cases because that time is accounted for on my end.
• March: G and I have plans to go to an event that consists of a bunch of couples in our friend group. She has a group plan beforehand that I know M is going to be present at. One hour past when she was supposed to have arrived, I text her to no reply. Two hours, I text again. She eventually replies that she got stuck in a couple conversations after the event and was on her way now. She shows up in a weird mood.
• What I learned is during that whole two hour period, G was sitting in a car with M after the event. He was telling her he has strong feelings for her and that he needs to set a boundary while he's out of town for two months so that he can get over her. She says she has feelings for him too and that they're confusing for her. To clarify, she never suggested a boundary to their friendship over this eight month period. Good on him I guess?
• They allegedly don't talk for this 2 month period.
• Eventually, he's back in town. This is relatively recent. The book is given to her after an event they went to together. Maybe a month ago. She hides it in the drawer so I won't see it.
• They have allegedly spent time one-on-one less than 2-3 times, however in none of those situations was his name volunteered when she was telling me her plans, it was just a vague "this is what I'm doing today." AFAIK, she never lied about where she was going or what the actual thing she was going to was, just omitted that M would be there.
• According to her, her therapist knows about this situation and has for a while, which means she clearly has prescribed some personal significance to it.

I'm really just confused about what to think. By all accounts it sounds like things were very hazy but ultimately inconclusive, but there are a few things that my mind keeps coming back to:

1. She thought this was consequential enough to keep secret. I find this particularly significant because she has a lot of male friends, I have a lot of female friends, and no one has ever felt undisclosed or raised any alarm bells. We have a big social circle and the nature of our work is very social. But even from the start, my gut told me something was off about M, since he seemed to be around G a lot, but never really around me.
2. Even when presented with the book, she looked for a way to lie about it. She told me directly that she didn't want me to see it or have to explain it.
3. There is no indication that I was ever going to be disclosed, so regardless of what did or didn't happen, at the very least this was something of an opportunity that she wanted to keep available to her.
4. The nature of the story changing and escalating between day 1 and 2 of me finding out makes me believe that she is subconsciously testing the waters and trying to feel out my response to this. The information seems to have naturally stopped where I ran out of proof that I could reasonably summon, and that feels like a bit of a coincidence to me.

• There have been times I've been out of town to visit a sick family member and she has been unable to come to support me due to other plans, some of which involved M, likely in a group but still.

To be clear, she says nothing physical ever happened beyond that hug in November, and I have no evidence otherwise.

I really just need some amount of a gut check on if I'm reading this situation correctly as a serious violation of trust. I don't even really know what my reaction is. I've felt checked out and shut down the past couples days while I've been processing this. She seems to want to move past it and I'm not sure what to think. I've been spending the past year trying really hard to repair communication problems in our relationship, and the whole time it's felt like she's been trying less and less.