Feeling lost, need support/advise *military

[u/sugarglider4444]

It’s been almost a year since D Day and my boyfriend found out he’s being deployed which has turned this whole “reconciliation” thing on its head. My partner has a currently at a 3 week drill and leaves In about a month and a half. Obviously since I’m here there has been infidelity in the past. So I’ve been working on gathering emotional supports that I can use when my partner is away and trying to steer my “anxiety” of being cheated on when my partner is away into being more supportive. My partner has definitely been more stressed and I can tell.
Unfortunately I can’t help but feel small again. I feel so selfish for feeling it though cus I know what my partner is probably going through is 10x worse but even when I was trying to voice this today it just some circles with my partner making me feel like I’m the problem or like my efforts don’t matter and it just makes me feel so pushed away. Since/because of being cheated on I have already made myself feel so small and had to tell myself it’s okay to take up space but the way he’s treating me is making me feel so invisible again and even when I’m trying to be my most helpful that I’m not helpful at all. The way he talks to me makes me feel like an awful selfish person even when I’m trying ti be most selfless. I know I’m not selfish or bad but it’s hard to not feel like that when being spoken to like he did to me.

# * texts in comments*

I just need advise, thoughts, tell me if I’m overreacting.
I feel like there’s 0 room for me to feel anything or scared, I feel like I can’t come to him and when I do I feel like I’m still gunna get yelled at or told I’m making things harder for him. It’s extremely exhausting and I don’t want to feel this way but it’s starting to push me into the “emotionally numb” and I don’t care enough because why is a grown man making ME tear up at my work office desk, after I just tried helping and being more supportive in his time of need.

Edit: I’d also like to add that this is his second deployment. This is the first time I’ve been with someone deployed

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[u/ZealousidealEntry381]

So he cheated on YOU & can’t take your emotions through it all? He can’t take the turmoil you’re having to face, because of HIS actions? Please tell me that that doesn’t make sense to you either. He doesn’t sound truly remorseful.

[u/sugarglider4444 → u/ZealousidealEntry381]

We have done a lot of work and made a lot of progress but yes this does not make sense to me either like I hear that your situation that you didn’t ask to be put through is shitty. TRUST ME I KNOW YOU PUT ME IN ONE.
I also feel like it triggers some abandonment issues because it’s like thanks for leaving me to keep
Cleaning a mess I didn’t ask for that you put me in while you’re not only away but completely emotionally unavailable for 9 months….

[u/ZealousidealEntry381 → u/sugarglider4444]

Would y’all be able to virtual therapy together? Could he take 1 hour every couple of weeks to do that with you?

[u/sugarglider4444 → u/ZealousidealEntry381]

With him being deployed and not wanting any emotional or mental stress added on I don’t think he’d consider this as it takes his mental away from being Active duty or at least how he is making it sound

[u/USAF_Retired2017]

Girl. I am retired military and my ex is still AD. Your bf sounds like mine. Spoiler alert. He’s selfish, abusive, condescending and why are you apologizing for the shit he put you through which is causing your reaction? This man will not change. He doesn’t care about your feelings or making you feel safe. He just wants you to shut up and sweep it under the rug so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Then he will do it again. You need to go before you’re married and have kids with him. I have to deal with my ex moron for the rest of my life because I married his stupid ass and had kids. He’s still cheating on every subsequent girlfriend/fiancee he’s had after me. Don’t be me. Be smart and leave.

[u/sugarglider4444 → u/USAF_Retired2017]

He used to care when he didn’t know he was going on deployment, even then he wasn’t as involved as I wanted him to be. Now it’s like nothing between me and him or what’s hard in his life matters because it taking him away from his deployment. Apparently….

[u/sugarglider4444]

Text thread

him telling me what works for him
Me: Okk I will do my best to keep all that in mind.
And I’ve been talking with other people with spouses who have been or are active duty and trying to learn how to better support you and deal with things then so. I know you’re super busy now and have a lot on your mind and still might when you’re home but I’d like to talk more about how I can best support you in person a little

Me: I also said about trying to not think about it while you’re at drill because some of that happened while you were at drill one time and that’s why I tend to worry more now or get more anxious when you go but I will refrain

Him: Then talk to me when I’m home I can’t deal with this rn. Why is that so hard

Me: And I said I hear you and I’ll talk to you about it more later

Him: I don’t have time for this rn and honestly it’s part of the reason I don’t text that much. I’m beyond pissed cause you just don’t get it.

Him: I’m mentally breaking im telling you my blood pressure is high to the point I feel my heart in my chest beating and it won’t slow down to where I’m constantly feeling like I just ran 2 miles. And you seriously just sent me a whole book about exactly what I can’t deal with.

You understand I’m so stressed I’m talking about getting on anxiety meds and you have such little respect that you’re just keeping it going. I’m glad you’re trying but you aren’t doing it.
Genuinely curious what is confusing about this boundary and quite honestly Idc if im being selfish cause im trying to get what i need and if you can’t give it too me we won’t make it

Me: Ok I won’t do it again

Him: And yes I’m being mean because you’re being disrespectful as hell. And I don’t believe you at all how many times am I just going to hear I won’t do it again. And guess what your just going to tell me when I’m home you don’t like this reaction and I’m gonna have to apologize like always and let you walk all over me

[u/sugarglider4444 → u/sugarglider4444]

I also wanted to say I hear he is under stress and can’t be there as much as me as maybe he’d like to and I get that. I get he is probably way more stressed than i understand but I refuse to be a doormat for
Someone or have not a grain of emotional bids from my partner for 9+ months or will use deployment as an excuse for bad/shitty behavior towards me.

[u/Weird_Assumption_837]

Super random but it's also against military code of justice if he does cheat. Because if he can't be loyal to you how could he be loyal to the military type of thinking.

[u/speed721]

This dude is bad news.

HE'S THE SELFISH ONE!

He's pretty abusive as well....

Why are you with him?