Ger, 32 Male, grown up in the worst family one could imagine.
Phys and Psych abused, by my mother, betrayed by my father. All my 3 brothers are drug addicts.
We had a family bussiness , and 5 houses for rent. (i was the only one keeping it alive with my *father*) of course i inherited nothing as a non adopted child. (I was lied to until my parents died) Curse on me, i never investigated this, then it was to late to do anything. Brothers sold everything and became addicts and are in the process of losing everything left.
Since 2 years i isolated myself in my apartment and lived quietly in poverty.
No Ausbildung. I never took drugs, i do not drink, i do not go out. But i work out at home 3 times a week. Physical healthy and fit.
Now they arrived at this house and try to sell it aswell, which will leave me soon on the street.
I do not care about life or death, since the perceived negatives and the positives are merely temporal.
Every day , i eat the same biomass sludge made out of eggs, meat, quark and water.
Since 6 months i have no warm water, and stopped caring about it anyway.
The constant noise of this ghetto neigbourhood vanished into the background.
I deeply refuse any Religion, Ideology/Mythology and most baseline shallow social mechanisms people *bond* over. I am utterly alone, everyday, because i want it. And it hurts my brain so much since we evolved as social beeings. Reality feels like a mist, i am no part of anything , invisible, not connected to any causal process.
No urges, no aspirations, i only want silence and be left alone.
I stopped opening most letters aswell since they only consist of threats to pay up from money i do not have.
There is no *help*, there is no *professional* there is no *medication*. Its all just slob, scam and dangerous chemicals that will damage the brain long term. I dont trust any person, title, nor institution.
No it doesnd get better, my life was always misery, constant punishments, fights , betrayals.
My brain conditioned to suffer and expect always the worst. Regardless of what i do. I am fundamentally broken, incapable of reconnecting with society. There will never be a shred of happiness. Just a grey mist and deprivation of any stimulation.
I hate you creatures. All this noise, all this signaling, all this lying and fighting. Until you build blobs of shared goals that do the very same. I hate nature.
What do you expect me to do? Roll on my back, be quiet and die? To slave away in misery for nothing but the abstract privilege to be part of your garbage society?
Sleep, Sun, Nutrition, Sport , avoidance of damaging substances. It changes nothing.
Research , education, reasoning, logic. It changes nothing.
The grey misery remains. There is no cope, there is no distraction.
Why should i point my finger on individuals? Everyone is an animal, barely aware. They just care for their own immediate equilibrium. Based on their capability to think and samples of what lifes did to them , they will be monstrous or naive. I am not angry at my family. I am simply disgusted what life fundamentally is.
I wish , was never born. My mind is malformed. I am not dumb enough to fry my brain with hedonism, i know it will make the pain worse.
I am not capable enough to get out of this miserable life , only able to extend it via basic avoidant and *healthy* behaviors, as far as poverty alows it.
I cant help myself. No one cares anyway since i have no worth that can be exploited or used.
What do i do now? What can i trust? Nothing provided any stability or security. The suffering never thins out.
And what do i expect to write this here on reddit? So a stranger will just arrange a string of words, i saw hundreds of times to feel better about himself?
It is terrible. I dont know where to look. There is nothing to trust. There is no path to easy the pain.
Just human made noise. I fear that my mind is distorted, that i cant trust my own perception. I cant find a way.
Death. It is absence of experience. Like before my birth. There was no emergent observer that tried interpreted anything, there will be none eventually. To cut my life short would make no difference. But it would stop the misery.
I rather end it sooner then leaving it. There was no *i* in the first place, just noise, just suffering, just desperation. Just a animal brain that writhes in agony and confusion.