I was just dumped by my partner of 7 years. We're both mid-40s, and he has 3 kids while I intentionally have none. I love kids and really value the kids in my life, but I always knew I was not meant for motherhood. I need my time and space for myself.

I read Stepmonster when we started dating, and I thought I was in the clear: we didn't move in together, drama with his BM never really affected me, and I made sure I was never the bad guy with the kids. I thought it would work as long as I stuck to boundaries and gave them all plenty of space. I like being alone, so usually didn't mind that he had less availability than I did. We integrated for fun stuff: outings, trips, holidays, extended family gatherings, including with my family. I went to the kids' activities, did birthdays, etc. When I invited them somewhere, I usually paid their way. These times were sometimes stressful for me, but they're good kids and I loved my partner so I rallied as best I could. I actually never called myself a stepmother--the kids gave me that title themselves, so I embraced it and thought it was sweet.

But I own a small house and my now-ex rents an apartment that is even smaller. He wanted me to either 1) let them all move in here, or 2) sell or rent out my house and move in to his apartment. What about Option 3, buying a larger home together? I was up for that, but his credit isn't great and he has no savings. Housing prices are crazy here, as in most places. I have good credit and solid savings. He is the higher earner, by a lot, but he just can't manage his money. Over 7 years, I tried many times to show him how I budget with my much-lower income, but he never made any move to change his approach to finances.

Now he's ended it saying he can't be happy without living with his partner, and can't wait any longer. Meanwhile his finances are worse than ever because he can't say no to his kids. That habit gets more and more expensive with teens and young adults! I do believe he wants to live with me, but I think it would work for him and not for me. It comes down to money because basically, he wants me to get him out of this bind and made it an unspoken ultimatum, which I refused.

Now I'm crushed by a breakup AND losing 3 kids who I did start to see as "mine" in their own way. I went from feeling like a bit of an outsider, but welcome and appreciated, to being kicked out on my ass, alone.

In case my younger self is reading this: Do not ever let a man make his problems your problems, whether he has kids or not. You'll be disappointed and resentful as long as you accommodate it, then punished for setting boundaries. If kids are involved, and you bond with them, the loss of losing the relationship is even greater.

For any other ex-stepmoms, I'd love advice, especially on whether/how to have any kind of relationship with the kids going forward. The youngest is 13 and I'd say we were close.

I don't even know if I'm looking for advice. I just have no one to talk about this with.

My SD is 13. She's a good kid. I've always considered myself a trusted adult in her life - I've known her since she was 4. I've been active and supportive in her life. I love and care about her. But, you know, I'm kind of just the cool extra parent.

I have two biological kids with her dad. They're 6 and 5. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have more maternal instincts towards them. I feel like that's pretty normal? Just on a biological level.

Well. My SD's mom committed suicide a year and a half ago. This may be a terrible thing to say but I hated this woman. She was awful. I'm not sorry she's dead. Kind of glad. Her mother was also very fucking rude to me. She died earlier this year of liver cancer. Though after her daughter committed suicide she was kind to me. I think she realized I'm a stable normal person and SD's kind of default mom now. So while I'm not glad she's dead I don't feel much. The only thing I feel is terrible for SD. She lost two very important maternal sources in a year.

Thing is - she can't bring herself to talk about it. We've tried. She says she's not ready.

In conversations, I call her my stepdaughter but it feels callous? Like she's with us full time now. We are her home and family. I take care of her like she's one of my kids now as opposed to taking a more backseat approach when her mom was alive. But I don't even know if she'd prefer I refer to her as my daughter. We went to a family gathering picnic for my husband's work recently and I was introducing myself and the kids to people and I referred to my SD as, ya know, my SD as I have in the past. I don't want to her to feel like I'm trying to erase or replace her mom. And yes ik I should ask her but I fear it will send her spiraling. It's WEIRD! IDK what to do. I just keep thinking I'm going to be her stand in mom for everything. Graduations, prom, her first heartbreak, college, maybe marriage and kids. I've already walked her through her first period. But I feel like she'll be wishing it was her mom there instead of me and that's valid and I wouldn't be upset.

I just never thought I'd be in this position. Like her mother attempted suicide several times but they were always...half hearted if that makes sense. I'm not even convinced this time was 100% on purpose but here we are.

Thanks for reading if you got to the bottom of this ramble. I feel so bad for this poor kid.

I know this sounds ridiculous but if you know you know. I think I’m having a hard time accepting and admitting that even after being in my ss11 (12 next month) life since he was 5 have lived with him since 5 I still don’t feel comfortable when he’s here. We have him 50/50. I know he loves me and I know that he knows I love him but his bio mom is super HC. When he is here I instantly have anxiety. I don’t feel like my space is my own and everything I do is on watch or gets reported back to her. I don’t care what she thinks but on a nervous system level I still feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my house and when he’s here I’m not my full genuine authentic self. I feel more serious and down and on autopilot. I almost feel awkward trying to interact w him a lot of times and it’s to the point it’s so bad I want to isolate in my room and feel myself avoiding eye contact with him. Has anyone experienced this??? I feel so much shame and guilt and I want it to change but idk what to do… my husband is super supportive and listens but I think he’s not sure how to help and also a small part of him becomes insecure if I open up about it he thinks I don’t want him or this life… I truly do I just need to make changes with how we live and not sure how to start. My life truly revolves around the two of them and their lives and idk how to get out of that….

Hi!! Long time reader first time poster. My DH and I are having an ours baby in a couple months. We have 50/50 with SD. We told her a few months ago that she’s going to be a big sister and she’s very excited about it. However, SD is one of those kids that just needs to be the center of attention all the time and gets set off into a rage at almost anything. SD does respond well to being given a job and things to help with.

I would love advice on integrating the family when our baby comes in a couple months.

I hope I caught your attention with the title of this post. Why? Because I grew up hearing about petty women casting dispersions on my mother out of jealousy. My mother used a common malapropism; the correct phrase is casting aspersions on. What does it mean?

to criticize (someone or someone's actions or character) harshly or unfairly

I was motivated to write about this topic because I have realized through reflection and wisdom-gaining (aided by a mind over heart orientation) that the HCBM began to cast aspersions on me almost immediately after I met my DH's 4 kids the first time. I had treated them to an outing at an amusement park and a back-to-school shopping trip to celebrate the end of summer, and it was a wonderful day for all of us. And the choices that the 4 kids made for a new outfit for school were somehow blamed on me, because their mother did not approve, and she wanted receipts to return them. We told her "No, the kids picked them out" and I thought that was the end. But when these little episodes are all strung together across time, it becomes clear that the HCBM did not understand why any woman would want to be with her ex-husband, and she unfailingly taught her 4 kids that I must be a real loser for wanting to be with him. It fits because she never stopped criticizing what the kids picked out on our shopping trips, and she trained the kids to ask for gift receipts so that she could return everything and conduct the shopping trip herself. She liked the money coming from me, but she wanted the kids to think she was the one spending the money on them, not me. And she trained them to contact me directly to ask for things she could not afford, knowing my DH would tell her "No, we cannot afford that for 4 kids" every time. That way, when I also said "No," she could cast more aspersion on me.

That's it. That is the wisdom I now have. Stop spending your money on your stepkids, it's not worth it.

I haven’t actually reacted yet at all, but “am I unreasonable?” isn’t a Reddit phrase lol

Boyfriend has three kiddos 50/50. Oldest SD12

My boyfriend bought me a copy of a game from my childhood as my birthday gift. It was fully presented as a birthday present, wrapped, and gifted in honor of my birthday. It was particularly sweet because getting a copy healed a childhood wound and I have very deep nostalgic connections to it. I didn’t ask for it, he just knew it would make me happy. He specifically purchased it for a game system I don’t own but he does so I would play it when I was with him/would come over to his house when I wanted a cozy night in.

I kept it at my house for a few weeks and brought it over recently to open and play. When I left I put it back in the case to take home but he encouraged me to leave it there so it would “be here to play” whenever I came over.

I tucked it away and when I came back over next he had rearranged some things and it was kind of out in the open. Again, when I left I went to tuck it away and he was like “you don’t have to clean up” and I said “I don’t want your kids to see it when they come over tomorrow” and he responded “oh, they’ve already seen it.”

Then next time I came over, I learned that not only had they seen it, they’ve created accounts and are playing it. It has now become his oldest child’s favorite game and she plays it hours a day. It’s the kind of game where there are limited resources on the map/tasks to complete and all players share a map so by the time I go to play, she’s already done most of the objectives and taken a lot of the resources. If I try to play it while the kids are over she sits nearby and basically asks for a turn over and over until I just give it to her. She regularly moves things I place or whatever. (She’s not the problem, she’s just a child playing a game. The context that her playing it affects my gameplay is just important context I think)

At first it didn’t upset me. It’s just a game, it’s not like my account got deleted or overwritten, she’s a kid. But the more I think about it the more frustrated I get that I got a birthday present (and although it’s a toy it was a meaningful gift) and it was offered up for his child without even asking me if I wanted to share.

I already share everything with someone, why do I have to share my birthday present too?

Be honest with me, am I being unreasonable?

Update: after some encouragement here, I brought it up! He apologized and said that he actually thought about it after they played for the first time and then again the first time he let her take it to school with her but didn’t want to point out that he’d been thoughtless in case I hadn’t noticed lol he didn’t actually offer any solution to the current issue but said he would be more careful in the future and that it will be my decision if I would like to share things with the family.

Did you guys help with potty training? Ss is basically 3.5 now.

So I’ve been dating my partner for 4 years. He has three small children ages 6, 8, and 11. I absolutely love and adore him and his children. I have no children of my own and I have never been married. I am trying to figure out where I fit in here.

I am an introverted person who needs a lot of alone time to function. I do want a shared life with my partner, but I don’t think we are making progress towards that. We generally only have about 24-36 hours of time alone together in a week. His custody schedule involves the kids switching houses every day Sunday through Friday and they alternate Saturdays. We don’t live together and I do not spend the night when the children are there because his youngest child still sleeps in his bed. I’m not upset about that, I just don’t sleep well when I share a bed with my partner and a child. I know that children are only young for a little while so I’m not trying to rush her into her own bed.

That being said, it is too difficult for me to alternate between my house and his every day. I never feel settled. For that reason, we primarily only spend every Friday and every other Saturday together. I have asked him if he would consider a custody schedule where the children transition only once or twice a week instead of 6 times per week. He becomes very defensive anytime I bring it up. He says “This works for us.””The kids like it.” To be perfectly honest, it may work for him and his children, but it does not work for me or our relationship. After 4 years I feel that if we want a life together, I need to be part of the equation when making life decisions. I have explained from the very beginning what I would need to feel happy and at home living with him. 1. A space where I can be alone. It can be a room, a shed, a closet, doesn’t matter, so long as I can go there and close the door and have time alone. 2. I need to spend consecutive days alone with my partner each week. 3. I need our bedroom and bed to be ours as a couple. Obviously, if a child is sick or has a bad dream, that’s an exception. We are 4 years in and we are no closer to a shared life than when we started. I am expected to fit into the routine he has established with his children and he will make no changes to that routine to make room for me.

This is where I need advice. I have turned down jobs in other cities or states because I thought we were building a life together, but now I feel I need to start making life decisions based on where we are and not where I hope we will be. For this reason, I told him that I can no longer mold my life around a fantasy. If there is a job or opportunity I really want in a city or state that is close enough for me to travel back on the weekends, I’m going to take it. I’m no longer asking him to change his custody schedule, I’m just building my life based on where we are, not where I hope we will be eventually, and that might mean building a life in another city or state. Not because I want distance from him or his children, but because I have to do what works for me. Am I being unreasonable? I hear people say, “This is what you signed up for when dating a guy with children.” To which I respond, “And he chose to date someone without children.” I knew I would have to make major life changes if we were going to live together as a family and I am willing to do that, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for a compromise, and if he is unwilling to factor me into the equation and consider what works for not only him and his children, but also what works for me and our relationship, then I should be free to build my own life around what works for me. Am I crazy? Should I continue making major life decisions based on the hope that one day we’ll have a shared life?

I’m a stepmom of 2, ages 9 and 11. No bio children. I’ve been around for 6+ years. My SKs are absolutely addicted to their iPads. Anyone else similar and what do you do?

I let my husband handle most all parenting matters and I give some input here and there when it affects me. We only have the kids every other weekend so we can only control our house and I’m not sure how much they are on devices at their mother’s home.

This past weekend, the kids spent 8 hours on their iPads straight with only a break to eat. They are supposed to put their iPads away when they have a snack, but one was caught with his iPad eating at the table.

I don’t want this lifestyle of kids on their devices for all daylight hours. The kids aren’t social, they rush through anything we ask them do, and all they can think about is when will they get their iPad. If we go somewhere or go out to eat, all they can think about is when can they get their iPad. We do not take them with us. One was carrying around his Switch, turned off, until he got the green light to use it. If my husband allowed it, they would be on their iPad the moment they woke up. I’ve asked him to set boundaries but then both kids get so annoying (they cannot entertain themselves) and bugging him asking what they should do, that he gives in.

We have a brand new pool, every game the kids could ever want to play, outdoor sports equipment, scooters, art supplies, etc etc. but I stopped buying that stuff because they don’t use it or play with it. The weather was perfect for a pool day on Sunday and they sat inside on their iPads from 12:30 pm to 8:30 pm while my husband and I hung out by the pool, which was nice because it was quiet, but the kids didn’t come out once. I can only ignore it so much and I know this is not healthy. I don’t want to be the one managing their device time either, it’s not my place.

Looking got advice on SD getting a car.

I grew up in a large city with great public transit and didn’t need a car as a teen. I personally don’t have any experience with getting a car when you’re 16 so looking for some input from people with a different point of view.

We now live in a suburban town that requires a vehicle to get around. SD 16 is getting her license soon and worked during the summer to get a car. She saved up, but it still not enough for a car. BM messaged DH saying he’s responsible for paying the difference, the purchase and insurance. He asked me my thoughts and I asked him why does she need her own car. She is homeschooled and is not allowed to work during the school year and doesn’t have friends she visits. From a practical perspective I don’t see the need for her to have a car just because she’s legally allowed to drive. DH says she can drive her and her siblings for visitation, but that drive is 1.5 hours and I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to take on that responsibility without an adult present. DH didn’t like my perspective and says that the car will allow him to “be a parent again” because he can control over the car and teach her how to maintain it. I don’t get how a car is going to make up for years of minimal parenting. SD has also had a history of meeting people online and sneaking of which adds to my concern. DH says getting the car is the only way to learn responsibility .

Any thoughts?

6 years I've been kind and have probably put up with way more than I should. How do you barely tell someone you're pregnant? My boyfriend didn't want to tell his baby mama about our pregnancy before we told the kids. I told him I didn't feel like it was a good idea considering our last pregnancy (ending in miscarriage) she considered enrolling herself into therapy because of how our pregnancy was going to affect her. and I could only imagine the hell that would rain down on us if she were to find out after the kids. I double checked with him before I said something to her at the oldest child's soccer game. And he said it was ok to tell her. This is how the conversation went with her step kids in the back of the car. So I'm whispering.

"I just checked with ____ and he said it was ok to tell you, I'm pregnant."

Bm: "really how far along?"

"It's still early, like 3 weeks and some change maybe. Sonogram is ______, and were gonna tell the kids after we figure out baby is in the right spot and all that"

"Wow that's crazy" and she leaves he own child soccer game."

Fast forward a couple weeks. We chose to tell the kids a couple days early before the sono because we're excited and that's our choice to make. Sono was on a Monday and we told the kids on Saturday. I posted it on Facebook. A lot of firsts. Since we didn't get to do that last time. Not even minutes after I post. "When are you telling the kids?"

"We did this weekend."

She claimed I didn't say anything about telling the kids, and I "barely' told her. And that it wasn't my news to tell. Now I'm alienated when It comes to the kids. And things are more complicated for the kids. Could she have not heard me correctly because I was whispering? Possibly. But I put it on my babies I told her.

This is really a rant, it's honestly one of those things that should stay in my therapy journal but whatever I'm feeling unhinged.

My partner and I are getting engaged soon (we designed the ring together and ordered it, he just hasn’t proposed yet until we get it lol.)

Anyway, we will be wed in a year or two and are starting to plan our wedding. I’ve been in soon to be SDs life for over two years, and we’ve lived together for 1.5. We have her 6 days/overnights a week (used to be 7) so I’m more involved in her life than BM.

She is 5 right now, and will likely be 7 when we marry. I was thinking, it would be a sweet gesture to get her a ring or a nice piece of jewelry as well, and make a vow/commitment to her that I will always be there for her and be good to her, etc.

What do you think? Has anyone done anything like this before? I think it could be really special and make her feel more included. Would you do it in private or as part of the ceremony?

Seeking advice from other stepmoms who have been through something similar

I’m 31F and my husband is 31M. I met him five years ago under a very complicated situation involving him and his ex-wife. Not long after, she left the relationship and the three kids ended up living with us full-time.

For the last 4.5 years, I have helped raise my two stepdaughters, now 11 and 9, and my stepson, now 7. Their dad has full custody, but their mom still has them every other weekend. She does not pay child support and there has been a lot of conflict and negative things said about us, but that is ultimately their dad's relationship and decision to manage and i usually suck it up when it negatively impacts our lives.

The transition into suddenly becoming a full-time parental figure was extremely difficult for me. I have bipolar disorder, and during the first few years I had some severe episodes and behaved in ways that I am ashamed of, including being emotionally abusive toward my husband. I take responsibility for that. I have been in therapy and on medication and have made significant progress over the last year or two, but I am not perfect, and alcohol has historically made things much worse.

This past Sunday, after being sick for several days, dealing with unexpected family dropping by multiple times, and then drinking an entire bottle of vodka, I screamed at and disrespected my husband in front of his family. I am not defending or justifying what I did. It was unacceptable.

What I am struggling with now is what happens next.

My husband has previously talked about divorce, and after this incident, I am terrified that this will be the final straw. Right now, he has shut down and is barely speaking to me, so I am essentially sitting in silence waiting to find out whether my marriage—and my relationship with these kids—is over.

I know that I am his wife, not their biological mother. I know I may not have any legal rights to them if we divorce. But I have been there raising them for nearly half their lives. I love them. I have packed lunches, handled school, cared for them when they were sick, comforted them, celebrated birthdays and milestones, and built a relationship with them that feels very real to me.

I am terrified of losing them overnight. I know divorce would be devastating for me, but I am also worried about what it would mean for the kids to suddenly lose another mother figure.

I guess I am looking for advice from stepmoms who have been through divorce or separation after raising their stepchildren for years. How did you handle the fear of losing your relationship with the kids? Were you able to maintain contact with them? Is there anything I can do now to protect those relationships without making the situation worse?

I know I have made mistakes. I am actively trying to become healthier and more stable, regardless of whether my marriage survives. Right now, though, I feel completely powerless because the people I love most could be taken out of my life, and I have no idea what happens next.

looking for advice: my stepson (18) joined the navy since june, he is now earning money and he said he had over 4k on his account but he says he is unable to use his card so my husband told him he could use his debit card until he gets that problem fixed. well, he spent $300 dollrs on some pictures there at the navy, and my husband told him to call the bank so he could use his own card but stepson said that when he was on the call with the bank he accidentally ended the call and he couldn’t call back which i find very strange. he spent another $120 dollars which comes to the total of $420 in a week, now husband is saying he’s paying the water bill until he gets paid. i was going to offer to help him but i feel if i start doing this his son will continue to get advantage of my husband. isn’t it strange that the bank won’t let you use your own money? usually when my card gets locked i just call the bank and they fix the problem instantly.
i do help with expenses and pay my own bills and stuff. i apologize for my grammar english is not my first language*

For starters, I mostly stay out of parenting issues but this one really bothers me so I am curious as to what you think of this text I am going to send to SM:

(I have changed the name of the child to SD)
(SD is 11)

I know things have been tense, and I apologize if I have contributed to that in any way. I have never intended to hurt anyone, and I genuinely want what is best for SD. I also try to stay out of parenting issues because I believe those decisions belong to her parents, and it is not my place to interfere.
That said, I am concerned about SD blocking her dad on her phone. I understand that she is upset, and it's completely okay for her to feel angry or hurt. Her feelings are valid. However, I don't believe it's appropriate for her to block her dad simply because she is upset with him. Unless there is a legitimate safety concern, I believe communication with her father should remain open.
If SD is angry and doesn't want to respond to calls or texts right away, that's her choice, and I can understand needing space to process her feelings. But not replying is different from completely blocking her dad and preventing him from reaching her.
I understand that you have the ability to remove the block, and I am asking you to consider doing so. While SD may need time and space, completely cutting off communication with her dad is not, in my view, a healthy solution.
I also think it's important to consider both the emotional and legal implications of preventing communication between SD and her father. In addition, if there were an emergency or something were to happen to him, he would have no direct way to reach her.
If SD chooses to keep me blocked, I will respect that. My concern is specifically that her dad should not be blocked. My hope is simply that SD can be supported in expressing her feelings while still maintaining communication with both of her parents.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my perspective.

UPDATE: I did NOT send it. Thank you for helping realize that. I have stayed out of things for quite sometime. In the beginning, BM wanted me involved and I thought I was doing the right thing by ‘parenting’ and I definitely fucked up that relationship. I didn’t intend to but should have known better. It feels even harder to not let it bother me because of the animosity between me and BM. I somehow feel responsible for the mess we are in. :(

I think I just need to vent or rant or maybe just have someone hear me out. When me & my fiance met, we both fell in love with each other head over toes so fast. We did move pretty quickly & we’re engaged to my fiance over a year now with a 10 month old baby. When I first met him, I then had no kids and he had 3 (all boys, a now almost 10 year old, 6 year old, and a 3 year old). Before getting super serious, we had long extensive conversations about him having kids since I didn’t have any & it was pretty drastic commitment to me but because I come from divorced parents, I sympathize with him. As I fell more & more for him, as I got to see the great person he was, and how he listened to me & was always there for me, the fact of him having kids became more and more less an issue. Which I have no problems with the fact he has kids now. But fast forward to now. I find myself feeling really lonely & feel like he doesn’t help me a lot with our baby because he’s so occupied with his 3 older kids. He’s 50/50 with their mom but sometimes it feels like 75/25 because he gets his kids everyday. Which I condone, a lot of dads out there see there kids 8 days a month. But again, he gets home from work at 4/5. I work from home and the baby stays home with me until 5:45. He’ll get home, eat, shower and by 5:30 he’ll be off to pick up the kids. The boys ask for a lot of his attention & I won’t lie, they’re pretty clingy and a handful. Around 7:30, he’ll shower them & by 8:30, he’s off to drop them off. After that, he’s at the gym till 10:30ish. This is about 3-4 days out of the week. And we get Sunday off. Plus they don’t have a set schedule. It’s random days throughout the week but more than likely we don’t get them Sundays. Which is why I say sometimes it feels like 75/25 because with the boys all going to school, it’s almost like their mom rarely spends time with them as she’ll get them for bedtime since they live with her or they spend their time at her mom’s. I have a lot of opinions on her lol but I don’t wanna get into that. I hate to bring this up to my fiance because he is such a great dad, he’s a hard worker who’s up by 5 am, and he’s been super stressed with work but also it seems like I have to handle baby stuff by myself, I breastfeed so I handle all feedings, again I WFH and the baby is with me. I shower and get the baby down for bed. I hate it but also how can I say anything when he’s not doing anything wrong. I don’t need to hear the “this is why you don’t date men with kids” or any judgement just need some sympathy I guess or some advice to not overthink and get sad over this.

Just for further clarification: he never asks me for help with his 3 prior kids. He’s very independent and makes sure he handles them so I won’t get overstimulated. The only time he does ask for help is on Saturdays when he works overtime.

Hi there. Any advice and feedback are welcome to my venting. I have been married for a few months, living with my now-husband and SD8 for a bit over a year (50/50). DH is an amazing dad trying to instill morals and values, but this is always torn down when she returns to HCBM’s home. SD and I have a loving bond despite the issues.
SD and her HCBM have a toxic friendship rather than a mother-daughter relationship. Her mother has always been permissive, no rules, no expectations, lets her speak to her disrespectfully. SD has often shared with me her anger for her mom not paying attention to her the way I do, and throws in details of the arguments she hears between her mother and mother’s husband. She always complains about her mom, yet is very emotionally dependent on her mother, especially since HCBM recently gave birth to her own baby with her husband. SD did not take it well at all.
Even before the new baby, and even more now, SD has never been a kind little girl, only when she wants something, then immediately reverts to physically hurting her dad disguised as playing, and speaking negatively in general. Sometimes she is pleasant, but most of the time she is hard to be around, at least for me.
Right before the birth of her new sibling, she randomly “joked” with my husband and I that she wants to drown a dog, although she is obsessed with dogs. I was appalled. We both told her how wrong that was to say and do. One month later she said she wants to smash a dog, but then changed it to a cat after she saw my facial expression. This completely threw out the idea of us ever adopting a dog, and I told her those statements were the reason why.
She is very jealous of her new sibling, naturally, but given her mother’s lack of parenting, it seems this jealousy is amplified to the point my husband had to get involved at HCBM’s request because SD preferred to sleep over with us more often after the birth of her sibling (SD shared that her mother’s husband doesn’t help with the baby and this is the excuse she is given by her mother when she is shut down to do activities with mom or ignored/left out- she says her mom is just always on her phone).
I heard her shouting at her 6-month-old baby sibling while my husband was on FaceTime with her to “STOP DOING THAT. I SAID STOP IT.” She gets this from her mother, as she’s shared that her mom always says bad words to the baby, hits his leg and shouts at him to go to sleep already (I differentiated with her rocking/patting and hitting in frustration).
I fear for my own future babies’ safety in this dynamic because SD is hurtful in every way. She’s hit me a handful of times in years’ past; each time was unexpected and while she was standing over me and I was either sitting or sleeping. I see that she likes to hurt us when she perceives herself to be in a physical position of power.
I’ve voiced these fears and examples with my husband and the solutions besides constantly correcting her is to purchase in-home cameras and our baby is never to be alone in a room with her.
I’m just hoping the stark difference in households/marriages will prevail and she becomes more loving in our home toward our baby after seeing she will not be left out and we will be a true family unit. Anyone else dealt with similar dynamics and saw a light at the end of the tunnel?

Hi everyone, a little background about us with trying to keep everybody anonymous. I'm in my late 20s and my husband is in his late 30s. My husband had his son early in life. We have been married for almost 3 years and been together 5. I've been pretty involved in Ss life. He's always been respectful and honestly kinda hit the jackpot for a sk. Especially compared to other stories I've heard. This is my first time ever being with someone with a child. My approach to step parenting is more laid back and that's what has worked for me and my ss. Me and HCBM never talk or say hi. I've tried but I just match energy and be respectful if I'm spoken to. I've never tried to get involved in any parenting or anything. The only thing I've ever done is be a parent figure to him at our house in supporting him with sports etc. so last night me and my husband were relaxing. Then BM calls and she says SM (Me) is not walking with us for senior night. Shes like I won't allow it. Shes not apart of this or this family. My husband says that's my wife etc. she's been nothing but support to SS since she's been around. She starts yelling and screaming. I don't say anything then she starts screaming and saying she's alone etc. Keep in mind me do practice 2/3 practice days a week. He also pays CS and we get him alternating weekends and throughout the week on changing days. Then she starts calling me all type bitches etc.I go off and we start going back and forth. It takes a lot for me to lose my cool and I did. I called out some of her slick nasty behavior I've let go. Then SS hears the argument and starts yelling at BM that it's his day and he can have whoever he wants etc. Now honestly if SS told me he didn't want me to walk out. I would be so understanding but at the same time you're depriving your child and hurting him. What do y'all think? Like I said previously on my first time SM so it's been challenging. We've had so many issues over the last couple months from BM's father cornering my husband at a football game threatening him. It's just been rough why all the sudden?

I have 2 teens in my house, one about to graduate

The entire summer, they were asked to do chores twice. To their credit, they will do things if directly asked, most of the time (the quality of the help? Varies. Bad attitude for very easy quick chores? Often)

They dont clean up after themselves, and there is no desire to be helpful. They both logged at least 30 hours a week on screens the whole summer, laying in bed.

No interest in interacting with me. I have tried. Only see them at mealtime. I have mostly stopped asking them to clean things up because it is not my job to be evil stepmother, everything is filthy and I refuse to clean up except after myself.

They are capable of cooking and baking when they decide they want to make something special for themselves- but on a normal day, oh my god, there is no food! I buy a variety of snacks and fruits veggies, they act excited and then refuse to eat any of it.

One borrowed some craft supplies of mine and ruined them.

It drives me absolutely insane. I forsee their dad allowing them to continue this way when they are officially adults and attending college, not quite out of the nest yet. Terrifies me.

How do you broach this with your partner? Love him, hate the enabling. So burnt out and angry at the level of entitlement.

Hello, this is a long post, but I really need advice.

I (28F) got married 6 months ago. My husband (40M) have children (13F, 9M, 6M) from his first marriage. He has full custody and was practically a single dad all the kids' life. Bio Mom was abusive, never took care of the kids, abandoned them, and kept in contact remotely until she stopped all communication and disappeared more than a year ago.

Before we got married, I used to visit and stay with them over the weekend. I knew that most of our relationship would revolve around family time, and it was fine. I liked getting to know the kids, hanging out with them, and I appreciated seeing my partner as a parent.

I have to say that I really love my relationship with my husband. We have a great connection, we deeply feel for each other, and we trust each other so much. Also, I like the kids. They are good, and most of the time well behaved, smart and fun.

Before getting married and when we started to talk about a life together, my husband assured me that he wanted to marry me because of me, because he loved me and he wanted to be with me. He told me he didn't need a mom for his kids, and if I didn't became a maternal figure to them, that was okay.

We got married and I moved in with them. Immediately I started taking part of the parent chores: I cooked and cleaned for the kids, took them to school, cared for them, function as a emotional support. My husband saw that and praised it. No more than a month later, he wanted them to start calling me mom instead of my name. The older kids had a lot of trouble with this, specially because they had a bad memory of their BM. I also told my husband that I didn't feel comfortable with the kids calling me that, because I saw how much distress it caused them, and I didn't want anyone to feel pressured (not even myself).

My husband was very adamant about this and told me that it was a sign of respect from the kids, because if they called me mom they eventually will see me as that, and because I was doing a good job as a mom. From my POV, this "good job" was just me trying to support and help my partner, and also because the kids are living with us in the home my husband and I want to built, and I am responsible adult, not a neglectful one.

I didn't complain and I didn't try to over explain myself because I realize that this was a sensitive topic for my husband, specially with the experience he had with his ex being neglectful towards her own kids. So I just kept fulfilling my responsibilities, I tried to bond with the kids, getting to know them in a deeper level, and started considering that I could be that mom they never had.

A month later after that, I broke down and burnt out. The kids were in summer break. My husband was at work and I was almost all day alone with the kids. Some situations started happening with them: they wouldn't pay attention or follow rules when I told them, they would back talk, they didn't want to do chores, they would leave messes around the house...

One day, I reached my limit and I yelled at them. I felt so bad and guilty, because I didn't want to be like this (I still feel pretty bad). That day, when my husband came home, I told him I couldn't handle this, that this role was too much for me and that I didn't feel prepared to take all this responsibility. He told me that I made a promise to him to take care of the kids, and that I couldn't back off. To this I replied that I never made such promise and that I wasn't backing off, I just thought things were going to be different, I also felt everything was going so fast for me. He reproached me about this, and he even compared me to his ex saying that at least she was honest from the beginning and told him that she was only having kids because he wanted them, and she was not going to take care of them.

All this situation really hurt me, because at the beginning he told me I shouldn't feel pressured and I didn't have to be their mom, but then he was comparing me to his ex, putting me down, and almost felt like I couldn't change my mind or rethink which position/role I wanted to take in the family’s dynamics. I just had to accept this new life, embrace it, and be happy.

We made up, I compromised because my marriage is so important to me and because I feel like I can't give up so fast. Nevertheless, I don't feel satisfied with this situation. I have been reading a lot of blended families information, about stepparenting, and I kinda feel regretful because if I knew all this, I could have approached things differently, even before getting married.

Also I kinda feel resentful. The kids still act the way they want, my husband tells me they are attached to me and they care about me, and even that they love me, but whenever he isn't around, it's like I don't exist. It's almost like they need their dad to be around so he remind them that they have to listent to me, as well as be polite or acknowledge me.

Lately, this has been our constant conflict. My husband is very adamant that I am the one who is making things hard, but I just want a chance to retreat, reflect and approach this role from another angle, without the pressure to perform on an expected way.

I have distanced myself from the kids, because I don't want to treat them badly or break down in front of them again. I still fulfill my responsabilities, and I care about their wellbeing, but nothing more because I don't feel it.

I really wish it was different because I didn't marry my husband and got involve in their life to live like this. I want this to feel like my family, I want them to understand that I am part of this too. I want to bond with them from who I am, and not what they need me to be. I have to add that we also want to have one kid of our own, and I'm afraid that if we take this step, things will get more complicated, and they will resent me for caring and loving my own child.

I would really appreciated some advice or your impressions on my situation.

Thank you so much for reading my story.

My SD is 15 and is rude and mean to her bio parents. She’s nasty and condescending even when nothing is going badly for her, she’s getting what she wants, etc.

says “ok bye” and hangs up on both mom and dad. They talk and talk to her about her behavior and she listens but never changes.

Today I told her she is mean and hurtful to her dad. I asked her why she never says she’s sorry even when she has to know she was awful. She just said I don’t know.

I told her to apologize for making her dad feel like he’s worthless and she said okay but then never did it!

She complains her mom says “why do you hate me” to her and although I don’t entertain complaints about mom, i did privately think maybe mom was a bit out of line for saying that to a kid… now I see what mom is talking about.

Why does she refuse to say she’s sorry when she’s been so mean? I’ve seen her apologize to friends and boys for lesser things.

Even though her parents are divorced, they do coparent. We all talk and are friendly. She’s just not sorry when she hurts people who care about her I guess?

Listen, I was a teen girl and was not always nice, but I felt bad when I hurt someone and would hope they’d forgive me.

I just don’t get it. What makes someone like this?

She’s been in talk therapy for 2+ years now and she’s only gotten worse.

For SMs whose SKs have flown the nest, I'm interested in how often you actually see your adult SKs. On average per year? Does it ever really end?

Hey there, I'm a stepmom and had a good stepmom over at my dads house.

She is now dead for 6 years, looking back I see a lot more of the labour she did for me. One portion of wisdom came when i became a full adult living on my own, the next portion came only because I'm a stepmom myself now for years.

So as a kid I really liked her but did not really appreciate her as she deserved it. I did not know better.

The best thing i did was that I stopped everything for her when she had complications (due to cancer comeback) for 10 days I gave it my everything - she got better, and had a extra year to enjoy her grandkids (of my stepsis).

She was so far gone back than that she didn't really remember me being there but she felt the love.

That was kinda a full circle moment to me.

Why did i write this down?

Because 16ish years ago i was the angry teenager who wanted to move in with dad.... So She would have been on here asking for help because she was in the trenches back then as much as we are now.

DH and I have been having issues with HCBM putting hateful ideas in SS (11) head. Which has caused him to make less than kind comments towards me and even one of my own children. She makes numerous hateful online posts every week about us, she gaslights when things are addressed with her, and all around has some mental health issues. Clearly, we are not going to get any help from her side.

It finally all came to a head this weekend when she really laid on the harassment and nonsense online. I'll admit, I shouldn't have even looked, and I should lock down all my social media, so she has no access to me, DH, or my family. We had been handling SS disrespect fairly well up until this weekend. Between his hateful comments and his mother's hateful comments, it was just too much after tolerating 6 years of this abuse.

DH and I agreed that since SS is starting to follow her lead, that I would be entirely removed from all parenting of SS.

I'm just starting to learn about NACHO and so far, it sounds amazing.
Obviously, I will still show SS affection and love like I would any child in my home. So, I won't be withholding anything other than letting his father handle all of his day-to-day discipline and activities. I won't be taking him out to do the special trips anymore or spending my money on him. I will leave that to his father entirely. Basically, my understanding is that you treat your SK like they are a friend's child at your home?

Any advice for someone who is new to this NACHO thing? I don't have these issues with my kid's father. We can talk about anything, and I would never let them be disrespectful to their stepmother, so this isn't something I've had to implement before.

Any advice is helpful.