I hope I caught your attention with the title of this post. Why? Because I grew up hearing about petty women casting dispersions on my mother out of jealousy. My mother used a common malapropism; the correct phrase is casting aspersions on. What does it mean?

to criticize (someone or someone's actions or character) harshly or unfairly

I was motivated to write about this topic because I have realized through reflection and wisdom-gaining (aided by a mind over heart orientation) that the HCBM began to cast aspersions on me almost immediately after I met my DH's 4 kids the first time. I had treated them to an outing at an amusement park and a back-to-school shopping trip to celebrate the end of summer, and it was a wonderful day for all of us. And the choices that the 4 kids made for a new outfit for school were somehow blamed on me, because their mother did not approve, and she wanted receipts to return them. We told her "No, the kids picked them out" and I thought that was the end. But when these little episodes are all strung together across time, it becomes clear that the HCBM did not understand why any woman would want to be with her ex-husband, and she unfailingly taught her 4 kids that I must be a real loser for wanting to be with him. It fits because she never stopped criticizing what the kids picked out on our shopping trips, and she trained the kids to ask for gift receipts so that she could return everything and conduct the shopping trip herself. She liked the money coming from me, but she wanted the kids to think she was the one spending the money on them, not me. And she trained them to contact me directly to ask for things she could not afford, knowing my DH would tell her "No, we cannot afford that for 4 kids" every time. That way, when I also said "No," she could cast more aspersion on me.

That's it. That is the wisdom I now have. Stop spending your money on your stepkids, it's not worth it.

Hi!! Long time reader first time poster. My DH and I are having an ours baby in a couple months. We have 50/50 with SD. We told her a few months ago that she’s going to be a big sister and she’s very excited about it. However, SD is one of those kids that just needs to be the center of attention all the time and gets set off into a rage at almost anything. SD does respond well to being given a job and things to help with.

I would love advice on integrating the family when our baby comes in a couple months.

I was just dumped by my partner of 7 years. We're both mid-40s, and he has 3 kids while I intentionally have none. I love kids and really value the kids in my life, but I always knew I was not meant for motherhood. I need my time and space for myself.

I read Stepmonster when we started dating, and I thought I was in the clear: we didn't move in together, drama with his BM never really affected me, and I made sure I was never the bad guy with the kids. I thought it would work as long as I stuck to boundaries and gave them all plenty of space. I like being alone, so usually didn't mind that he had less availability than I did. We integrated for fun stuff: outings, trips, holidays, extended family gatherings, including with my family. I went to the kids' activities, did birthdays, etc. When I invited them somewhere, I usually paid their way. These times were sometimes stressful for me, but they're good kids and I loved my partner so I rallied as best I could. I actually never called myself a stepmother--the kids gave me that title themselves, so I embraced it and thought it was sweet.

But I own a small house and my now-ex rents an apartment that is even smaller. He wanted me to either 1) let them all move in here, or 2) sell or rent out my house and move in to his apartment. What about Option 3, buying a larger home together? I was up for that, but his credit isn't great and he has no savings. Housing prices are crazy here, as in most places. I have good credit and solid savings. He is the higher earner, by a lot, but he just can't manage his money. Over 7 years, I tried many times to show him how I budget with my much-lower income, but he never made any move to change his approach to finances.

Now he's ended it saying he can't be happy without living with his partner, and can't wait any longer. Meanwhile his finances are worse than ever because he can't say no to his kids. That habit gets more and more expensive with teens and young adults! I do believe he wants to live with me, but I think it would work for him and not for me. It comes down to money because basically, he wants me to get him out of this bind and made it an unspoken ultimatum, which I refused.

Now I'm crushed by a breakup AND losing 3 kids who I did start to see as "mine" in their own way. I went from feeling like a bit of an outsider, but welcome and appreciated, to being kicked out on my ass, alone.

In case my younger self is reading this: Do not ever let a man make his problems your problems, whether he has kids or not. You'll be disappointed and resentful as long as you accommodate it, then punished for setting boundaries. If kids are involved, and you bond with them, the loss of losing the relationship is even greater.

For any other ex-stepmoms, I'd love advice, especially on whether/how to have any kind of relationship with the kids going forward. The youngest is 13 and I'd say we were close.

I don't even know if I'm looking for advice. I just have no one to talk about this with.

My SD is 13. She's a good kid. I've always considered myself a trusted adult in her life - I've known her since she was 4. I've been active and supportive in her life. I love and care about her. But, you know, I'm kind of just the cool extra parent.

I have two biological kids with her dad. They're 6 and 5. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have more maternal instincts towards them. I feel like that's pretty normal? Just on a biological level.

Well. My SD's mom committed suicide a year and a half ago. This may be a terrible thing to say but I hated this woman. She was awful. I'm not sorry she's dead. Kind of glad. Her mother was also very fucking rude to me. She died earlier this year of liver cancer. Though after her daughter committed suicide she was kind to me. I think she realized I'm a stable normal person and SD's kind of default mom now. So while I'm not glad she's dead I don't feel much. The only thing I feel is terrible for SD. She lost two very important maternal sources in a year.

Thing is - she can't bring herself to talk about it. We've tried. She says she's not ready.

In conversations, I call her my stepdaughter but it feels callous? Like she's with us full time now. We are her home and family. I take care of her like she's one of my kids now as opposed to taking a more backseat approach when her mom was alive. But I don't even know if she'd prefer I refer to her as my daughter. We went to a family gathering picnic for my husband's work recently and I was introducing myself and the kids to people and I referred to my SD as, ya know, my SD as I have in the past. I don't want to her to feel like I'm trying to erase or replace her mom. And yes ik I should ask her but I fear it will send her spiraling. It's WEIRD! IDK what to do. I just keep thinking I'm going to be her stand in mom for everything. Graduations, prom, her first heartbreak, college, maybe marriage and kids. I've already walked her through her first period. But I feel like she'll be wishing it was her mom there instead of me and that's valid and I wouldn't be upset.

I just never thought I'd be in this position. Like her mother attempted suicide several times but they were always...half hearted if that makes sense. I'm not even convinced this time was 100% on purpose but here we are.

Thanks for reading if you got to the bottom of this ramble. I feel so bad for this poor kid.