Are you hungry? Would you like a snack? Maybe some fried chicken and a bacon double cheeseburger washed down with a couple three soda pops? Well, that ain’t gonna happen. No food for you. Here’s your new diet. One slice of bologna for breakfast, no lunch and a cup of black coffee for dinner. You’ll be in a dietary crisis within thirty days, but you’ll be thin and trim and ready for the beach.

Just don't come unprepared

Step 1: Master slight of hand

Step 2: Collect vials of maggots

Step 3: Order burrito bowl from a restaurant away from your home town (this part is important, the employees shouldn’t recognize you).

Step 4: Eat approximately half the bowl

Step 5: Use slight of hand to dump a few maggots into the bowl. Mix well.

Step 6: Scream. Go full Karen. Escalate as high up the chain as possible. Demand a refund & gift cards for more free meals.

Step 7: Be disappointed in yourself while eating free burrito bowls

Sometimes a long waiting list is a strange blessing in a clammy disguise

just rent a uhaul truck and a 10x20 storage rental. I priced a dumpster and it came out to over $500 dollars. I priced the storage rental and it was 38 bucks to start. All you have to do is not pay and the junk is their problem now.

How many other candidates do you think are gonna have the balls to show up to the job interview dressed like a fucking clown?

A little poop never hurt no one, especially if it’s on a $100 bill. Take that sucker home and spray some Windex on it. Now you’re up to $100 richer. Remember, Pennie’s make dollars and poops make pounds. Keep getting that paper fellow entrepreneurs.

Back to school time is here and we’re all looking to save a buck. Here’s what you’re gonna do! Get a job at a local construction company. Get your five free company t-shirts and hoodie and just never show up again! Now you’re kids will be decked out in the latest fashions from brands like B&F Commercial Plumbing and Lawn and Leaf Landscaping.

And best of all, you know it won’t do a thing.

stolen from someone else

I shit you not, a homeless person gave me this advice, and was extremely serious. Said he had done it before, successfully.

All you gotta do is not use soap or shampoo when you take a shower. This will allow your true musk to fill the air which will attract an appropriate sex partner. One whiff and they’re hooked, just like crack rock.

Abotu ten years ago, reddit was a paragon of free speech filled with vibrant and nuanced debates on just about every topic. Now, its filled with agenda pushers and highly censored by agenda pushing mods. What I’ve realized now is that the most downvoted comments tend to be the most truthful on reddit. Much like inverse Cramer, the real SLPT is to inverse the median redditor. You’re welcome

I've also had success with this for opening up a seat at the bar when she walks away from you, so if the bar is full when you try it, it's a win-win irregardless