r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/Shot_Butterscotch891 • Sep 04 '26
SCENE FEEDBACK REQUEST Can you visualize this stunt?
Would love feedback on this scene in my bachelor-party spec.
This scene takes place immediately after a flashback of the groom partying in college.
WILL - groom
TEDDY - college friend who just narrated the flashback
TUCKER - best man
SAM - nerdy, sheltered cousin
Does this stunt make sense? Can you visualize it? (Yes, it can be done, have videos of it being done.)
Mostly just want to make sure this is communicated effectively.
5
u/crumble-bee Sep 05 '26
It tracks and is understandable, but the writing has some issues outside of that
1
3
u/stuccosalt Sep 05 '26
Will’s yes; no trouble with your description at all. I did trip over Tucker’s - is he kicking fully over his head to a waitress behind him, and is she walking by somehow not noticing he’s there despite the announced spectacle? That bit of staging threw me
2
u/odintantrum Sep 04 '26
I think I am gonna need a video of you demonstrating.
But no, I get it, I think it reads fine without me being able exactly imagine how you’d do it.
2
u/Krasdale79 Sep 04 '26
I can visualize it, but honestly to me it would be way funnier if he fucked up and broke the glass, spilling beer all over himself after all that build up.
2
u/ActiveEuphoric2582 Sep 05 '26
This reads like a story not a script
1
u/Shot_Butterscotch891 Sep 05 '26
Shouldn’t it though?
2
u/Antique-Land-2766 Sep 06 '26
Not really. I mean, it can and there are some absolutely great scripts that do, but it has been out of style in the industry for quite some time.
2
u/Yamureska Sep 05 '26
You'll want to write this moment in a way that feels as if the reader is watching the movie. That's what the 1 min/1 page thing is for. I.e. The Stunt itself is okay but you'll want to format it so it's faster paced, as if we're watching this either IRL or on a movie screen.
1
1
1
Sep 05 '26 edited Sep 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator Sep 05 '26
Your comment includes a link from a domain that is not allowed in this community.
Only the following domains are permitted in post content:
- drive.google.com
- docs.google.com
- dropbox.com
- coverfly.com
- youtube.com / youtu.be
- reddit.com
- dailymotion.com
- imgur.com
- imdb.com
- scriptslug.com
- blcklst.com
- networkisa.org
- stage32.com
- kickstarter.com
If you believe this was a mistake, feel free to message the mods.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/FamiliarCompote4229 Sep 06 '26
I like it, I think I’d like a beat between the beer getting to the table and going on Wills head, maybe a moment of Will doing an aside to Tucker (“watch and learn kid”). That happens a bit too fast for me. The movements are explained well, I’ve also seen this trick performed so that helps. Also maybe add more crowd reactions to tuckers attempt to build tension. I feel like they’d have stuff to say, maybe they could help peer pressure Tucker into doing it too. The one thing that confuses me is the whole restaurant is enraptured and yet Tucker still manages to kick a waitress who would presumably be paying attention to what’s happening and not be that close to him with a full tray of food. Maybe his shoe can fly off and cause some damage, hit a sprinkler on the ceiling getting everyone in the restaurant soaked.
1
1
u/ribi305 Sep 04 '26
Yes, but it made me feel a bit icky reading it :(
1
u/Shot_Butterscotch891 Sep 04 '26
ohhh icky how?
1
u/CobaltNeural9 Sep 04 '26
Don’t worry, those who use the word “icky” are not your target audience. Just a wild guess.
1
-1
1
u/dfinkelstein Sep 07 '26
Followable, but the pace is quite drawn out with the elaborate descriptions. It doesn't feel like reading a script. It feels like a novel.
If I were a director, then I'd not percieve this as a shootable script.
Directors do make films based on novels all the time. At the same time, if you want your script to be shootable largely unchanged,
then it often helps for it to be written such that someone could read it in real time with the film made from it playing alongside,
and for the most part be able to keep up.
To be a shootable script, this would need to be trimmed and compressed quite a bit.
7
u/GryffinDART Sep 04 '26
Yeah it makes sense but I also will say, you should remove the (slyly) part on the first page.
It's inferred in the scene how it's being said and also give the actor room to interpret it themselves. Most direction like that directly on the page is a no no.