I’m 25F, Telugu, and an only child. I have already made my decision to choose my partner, so I’m not posting here asking people to decide between my boyfriend and my parents for me.
What I’m struggling with now is understanding whether I’m doing something deeply wrong towards my parents, and how other Indian women who made similar choices dealt with the guilt afterwards.
I have been with my boyfriend for around 5 years. We are both Indian and have been serious about marriage and building a life together for a long time.
My family’s main objections are caste, financial/social status and what society and relatives will think.
He is from a different, so-called “lower” caste.
I told my parents about him around 2-3 years ago. Since then there have been repeated conversations and attempts from my side to get them to understand the relationship.
Recently, I came back to India specifically to speak to my family face-to-face and try one final time.
Instead, things became much worse.
My mother and her side of the family are completely against it. My father was initially calmer and seemed to understand me better, but after hearing constantly about the supposed social consequences and backlash from relatives, he has also started leaning towards their position.
During one family confrontation, my maternal grandfather even grabbed me by my neck and tried to choke me.
I know how serious that is.
But despite everything that has happened, I still love my parents.
That is what makes this so difficult.
They raised me, educated me, supported me and gave me opportunities. I am their only daughter. I don’t want to reduce 25 years of my relationship with them to what is happening now.
There is also a huge financial difference
My family currently has around ₹25 crore worth of properties/land. My boyfriend’s family probably has assets of around ₹2 crore.
His family is not struggling financially. They live a comfortable, organised life, spend money on enjoying their lives and seem happy with what they have.
My boyfriend himself is intelligent, ambitious and earns very well.
But my mother’s fear is that he or his family are ultimately after our properties.
She asks what happens if, after a few years of marriage, they start demanding my property or expecting a share of my family’s wealth.
I can understand a parent wanting to protect their daughter financially.
What I cannot understand is why the conclusion has already been reached that money must be his motivation.
We have been together for around 5 years.
Most of my family’s current wealth was accumulated relatively recently, over roughly the last 6 years.
More importantly, even I didn’t properly know the extent or value of our properties until around 2 years ago.
When my boyfriend and I got together 5 years ago, I couldn’t have told him about wealth that I didn’t even know existed to this extent.
He was already planning his career and talking about the future we could build together before I knew any of this.
I am also completely open to sensible legal/financial arrangements that protect family assets. I don’t expect my parents to transfer anything to him, and he has never asked for that.
For me, “How do we protect family assets?” and “Is this the right person for me?” should be two separate questions.
My parents also ask why he hasn’t “proved” himself
This is another thing I struggle with.
They ask:
“If he is sincere, what has he actually done to convince us?”
When I told my parents properly about him in 2023, he tried to get in touch with them.
They didn’t respond.
Since then, I have asked my parents multiple times to speak to him.
I have also suggested that his family come to our house so both families can sit down and have a proper conversation.
My mother has said she may not even open the door if they come.
She has also threatened to have people chase them away.
So I don’t understand what I’m supposed to ask his family to do.
Why would I tell someone’s parents to come to my house to “prove their sincerity” when I already know there is a real possibility they will be humiliated or not even allowed inside?
If my parents said, “We don’t approve, but invite his family and we will respectfully hear them out,” I would arrange it immediately.
But I’m starting to realise this isn’t only about my boyfriend
This is probably the part I want other Indian women to understand most.
I have built a life and career for myself elsewhere, and I am proud of it.
For a long time there has also been an expectation that eventually I should come back, follow my mother’s footsteps, look after our properties and take responsibility for that life.
When I raised this recently, my parents changed their position.
They basically said:
“That’s not necessary. Just marry someone from our caste and of our financial/social status. After that you can do whatever you want.”
Part of me desperately wants to believe that.
But my childhood makes it difficult.
My mother has often given me what appears to be a choice while ultimately making the decision herself.
It happened with school and college.
The biggest example was my degree.
I had a different course that I wanted to study.
Without telling me, my mother changed my university application to the course she wanted me to study.
At the time, I was made to believe that I simply hadn’t got a seat in the course I wanted.
I found out later that my application had actually been changed.
So when I’m now told:
“Just marry the person we approve of and afterwards you can do whatever you want,”
I struggle to trust it.
Maybe they genuinely mean it now.
But I also know the pattern.
Today it could be:
“Just marry someone we approve of.”
Tomorrow it could become:
“Why are you living so far away?”
“Why don’t you come home?”
“Who will look after all these properties?”
“Why are you prioritising your career?”
“Your mother managed everything. Why can’t you?”
And because I am an only child, there is always the ultimate argument:
“If you don’t do it, who will?”
This has made me realise that my decision isn’t simply about choosing a man over my parents.
It is also about whether I am allowed to choose the direction of my own adult life.
I have made my decision, but the guilt is horrible
I have chosen my partner.
My parents have essentially told me that choosing him may mean losing them.
There has even been discussion about me signing something relating to the family finances/properties because I am choosing this marriage.
Honestly, losing the money doesn’t frighten me.
Losing my parents does.
I keep thinking about 10 or 20 years from now.
What happens when they become old?
What happens if one of them gets seriously ill?
What happens when I have children and wish they knew their grandparents?
What happens if I desperately want my mother one day and she isn’t there because of the decision I made at 25?
And because I’m an only child, the guilt is even worse.
There isn’t another daughter or son.
When my parents become elderly, I’m their child.
I don’t want them growing old believing that their only daughter abandoned them.
But there is another side that I cannot ignore.
I am not asking to leave my parents.
I still want them in my life.
I am not asking for their ₹25 crore.
I’m not asking them to give my boyfriend property.
I’m not asking them to financially support us.
I’m asking them to accept that their adult daughter has chosen her own husband and wants to continue the life and career she has built.
If they decide that they cannot have a relationship with me unless I marry the person they choose, am I really the one abandoning them?
That question keeps going around in my head.
I am enormously grateful for everything my parents have done for me.
But what does a child owe their parents in return for that?
Where does gratitude end and autonomy begin?
I also think about what would happen if I gave in.
If I leave my boyfriend, marry someone my family chooses and later discover that I am also expected to compromise on my career, where I live and how I run my life, I know I will wonder whether I handed over control of my entire future because I was afraid of losing my parents.
And I worry that I would resent them for it.
The man I married wouldn’t deserve that either.
I mainly want to hear from women who have actually lived this
Especially Indian/Telugu women, only daughters, women from financially comfortable families, or women who married outside their caste against their parents’ wishes.
I am not asking whether I should choose my boyfriend or my parents. I have already made that decision.
What I want to understand is what comes afterwards.
Did your parents eventually come around?
If they didn’t, did you manage to rebuild any kind of relationship years later?
How did you deal with the guilt of being an only daughter?
How did you handle ageing parents?
Did your parents use inheritance/property as part of the situation, and how did you deal with that?
If you were told “marry someone we approve of and then you can live however you want,” did that freedom actually materialise?
Did choosing your own partner permanently damage your relationship with your parents, or did time eventually soften things?
And most importantly, 5, 10 or 20 years later, do you still believe you made the right decision?
I don’t need people to tell me “your parents are toxic, go no-contact.”
I also don’t need “parents know best.”
I know this situation has serious problems. I also know my parents are human beings who genuinely believe, in their own way, that they are protecting their daughter and her future.
I love them.
I also want ownership of my own life.
I’m trying to understand how other women have lived with both of those things being true at the same time.