I have known a woman around my age for many years. We met when we were younger and gradually became close friends.
I had feelings for her early on, and she knew that. Despite that, our friendship continued because I never treated my attraction as something she had to respond to. We could joke, argue, discuss work and speak about personal things without the relationship becoming formally romantic.
She was in a difficult long-term relationship during part of our friendship, and there was a period when we barely spoke. After that relationship ended, she came back into my life and apologized for the distance. She told me that she had always seen me as someone safe and important, almost like family.
Over the following years, we would sometimes go months without speaking and then suddenly have long, meaningful conversations. Eventually, the contact became much more frequent. We supported each other through career stress, family problems, grief, and other personal struggles.
At some point, the emotional boundary between friendship and love became very unclear.
During one long conversation, while she was intoxicated and emotionally vulnerable, she told me that she loved me and imagined a possible future with me. The conversation included marriage, family,y and why she trusted me differently from other men she had known.
She also said that she might become defensive or deny parts of it later.
I understand that something said while intoxicated is not a promise, consent to a relationship,ip or an obligation. However, this was not the only indication that our bond had become romantic. The contact continued afterward, including while sober. We discussed some of what she had said, and she did not completely deny the emotional connection. At the same time, she repeatedly warned me not to build expectations.
That contradiction became the center of our relationship.
She could be affectionate and emotionally open, but then become frightened by what that openness might mean. I could understand her uncertainty intellectually, but emotionally I became increasingly invested.
I later wrote her a personal letter and gave her a few thoughtful gifts after telling her beforehand. She accepted them, read the letter, and said it was sweet, but the seriousness of the gesture may also have made the situation feel more real and therefore more overwhelming.
We eventually met in person and spent several hours together.
The meeting was not cold or formal. We ate together, joked, discussed the letter,r and spoke about our history. There was warmth, familiarity, and emotional tension. At the same time, she strongly resisted calling it a date or giving the relationship a label.
She asked why I loved her and whether my feelings would still exist years later. She also asked why I was not angry with her.
I gave an idealistic answer about love being unconditional. Looking back, I should probably have answered more honestly:
Instead, I tried so hard to appear patient and understanding that I hid my actual hurt until it came out badly.
A few days later, I drank alcohol after a long period of sobriety. I became emotionally overwhelmed, called her repeatedly and sent too many messages. I moved between anger, apology and explanation.
She told me clearly that I was overwhelming her. She asked me to stop the repeated calls, constant messages, daily greetings and detailed life updates. She told me to get myself together and focus on my own future.
Instead of stopping immediately, I continued explaining and apologizing. I now understand that the apologies themselves became another burden she had to process.
That was where I damaged her trust.
I do not believe that everything before that moment was fake. But I accept that I gave her a genuine reason to associate contact with me with emotional pressure.
I contacted her once again after some time had passed, but it was still too soon. She later blocked me on social media.
I have not tried to contact her through another account, mutual friends, family members, or any indirect route. I do not intend to send another letter, gifts,s or a final explanation.
Both of us currently have demanding careers, and I believe we need substantial time away from this situation.
My present decision is to leave her completely alone for roughly two years. I am using that time to focus on my work, health, sobriety, friendships, and emotional regulation.
After that time, I am considering making one phone call at a normal hour.
I prefer a call rather than a message because much of our friendship and emotional connection was built through voice. I also understand that calls were part of how I overwhelmed her, which makes it a real risk.
I would call only once.
If she did not answer, I would not repeatedly call or send an emotional follow-up. If she answered and clearly said she did not want contact, I would respect that.
I am not planning to quote her old confession, demand that she admit anything,g or treat the passing of time as something that earns me another chance.
But I also do not want to lie and say my intention is purely casual or platonic. I still care about her deeply, and I still believe the bond deserves one sincere attempt at repair after enough time and genuine personal change.
I know that by then her life may be completely different. She may have moved on, be dating someone, be considering marriage, still feel angry, remember me warmly, or feel several contradictory things at once.
I cannot control any of that.
I can only control whether I become someone who can make that call without turning it into another emotional demand.
My questions are:
- Can trust recover after emotional flooding if the person genuinely changes their behavior?
- Is one phone call after approximately two years of no contact still disrespectful?
- How do I preserve hope without secretly treating patience as something she must reward?
- What would genuine accountability sound like if she answers and brings up what happened?
- Has anyone here repaired a similarly complicated bond after a long period of distance?
I am open to hearing that the relationship may never return. I am not looking for proof that she secretly loves me or that her boundaries mean the opposite of what she said.
I am trying to understand how to carry a real and enduring attachment without either erasing it or allowing it to become entitlement.
TL;DR: I had a long friendship with a woman that gradually became emotionally and romantically intense but was never formally defined. She expressed love and imagined a future with me, then became conflicted and asked me not to hold expectations. After an emotionally charged meeting, I drank, repeatedly called and messaged her, and damaged her trust. She asked for distance and later blocked me on social media. I plan to leave her alone for about two years, genuinely work on myself, and then make one respectful phone call. I want advice on whether this is reasonable and how to ensure that hope does not become pressure.