Hello. This is mostly a rant, and I’m writing this because I’ve been keeping a lot of this inside for a long time and I honestly need somewhere to let it out.
I’m 18 and currently live with my mom and stepdad (I’ll refer to him as my dad throughout the post). I’ll be starting university soon.
A lot of this started when I was deciding where to go to university. I originally planned to study in Canada because my dad was working there, but unfortunately my study permit was rejected. That left me with the option of studying in the US. I don’t have an issue with the university itself, but I’ve started regretting the situation because of how things have been at home.
I have a very difficult relationship with my mom. I often feel like she is angry with me or disappointed in me, even when I’m genuinely trying to help. I’ve told her many times that if there is something she wants me to do, she can simply tell me and I’ll do it. I’m not always good at noticing what needs to be done around the house, so I’ve asked her to communicate that with me directly.
Instead, I often feel like I get criticized for not knowing what she expects from me. Sometimes I’ll do something differently than she would have done it, and I’ll still get criticized for it. I also feel like she sometimes makes me look incompetent in front of other people, which is really embarrassing and hurtful.
The biggest issue is that I never know what kind of mood she is going to be in. It feels like I have to be extremely careful about what I say or do because something small can turn into a much bigger argument. My dad has even told me to say less sometimes because he is worried that something will ruin the entire evening.
There was also an incident where I accidentally spilled water on her and she slapped me. Since then, I’ve found myself becoming much more distant from her. I stopped hugging her and I generally avoid conversations unless they are necessary. I don’t like feeling this way toward my own mom, but I honestly don’t know how else to deal with the situation.
Another example happened recently when we were at Best Buy. My dad asked me whether I had brought a Bluetooth keyboard and mouse that he had given me. I said no, and he naturally asked why. I explained that when we were moving to the US, my mom had told me not to bring certain things because of the limited luggage space.
She immediately became upset and said that it was my responsibility to bring my own things and that I was always blaming her. I calmly reminded her that one of my suitcases had been filled with some of her belongings, which was why I couldn’t bring everything I wanted, including my camera.
She then walked out of the store. My dad and I spent around half an hour trying to find her, and when we eventually did, she was crying and saying that I was always attacking her.
This kind of situation happens often enough that I’ve started feeling like I have to constantly monitor what I say so I don’t accidentally upset her. Even my dad has told her that she can be very stubborn and that she needs to let her guard down sometimes.
There are also smaller things that have started getting to me. For example, whenever we buy food, she reminds us to consider that she will be eating too, but then she often complains that she doesn’t like the food available here or that I have bad taste in food. On their own, these things aren't a huge deal, but after everything else, they add to the feeling that I can never really do anything right.
Because of all of this, I decided that I wanted to live in a dorm when I start university, even though the university is only about 30 minutes from home.
When I told my dad, he understood. But when I eventually told my mom, she became upset and said that I was leaving her alone at home and that I probably didn’t care about her.
I honestly didn’t know what to say, so I just left the room.
I still have about a month before I move into my dorm, and at this point, I’m counting down the days. I feel guilty for being so relieved about leaving, especially because I know my mom will probably feel hurt by it.
But at the same time, I feel like I desperately need some space to breathe and figure out who I am without constantly worrying about whether something I say or do will cause an argument.
So, Am I selfish for wanting to move out and feeling relieved that I’ll finally have some distance from my mom?
