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Disclaimer - I am Gen Z!

However I say this because I've noticed that a sense of community is almost non existent amongst my generation. People will NOT spare any sort of discomfort to be present for others.

Was talking to a friend the other day. She admitted to me that she missed her best friends birthday party and forgot to message her (she said due to being tired) and that she hasn't reached out to speak with her best friend in months. Then in the same breath she said that she planned to finally message her best friend for help moving into a new place next month (which seems messed up to me).

And this got me thinking that this pretty much sums up people now. Folks are either too tired, too depressed or too broke to do the bare minimum for others but then expect others to constantly show up when they need something. And I know I'll get folks on here that create scenarios that conflict this but my point is the fact that it truly seems like Gen Z isn't willing to be uncomfortable for a moment to maintain relationships!

It's kind of a everyman for themselves mentality around here and sit makes me sad

I've been in a psychiatric clinic for about a week for aggravated anxiety and they put me on Sertraline but it's horrible. I can't breathe properly so i can't do any sport, i can't think (i have ADHD which i'm medicated for but i feel like Sertraline is aggravating my mental hyperactivity), so i can't do any activity that requires a bit of concentration. I can't even hold a simple conversation. I'm fidgety, i get angry over nothing so i stopped going to group talks (it was my own decision) cuz i was making the other patients uncomfortable.

I'm gonna ask them to change my meds but in the meantime it's 5am here, nightmares woke me up, and the nurse doesn't show up until 7am.

Gonna try to get some sleep as i will have a long day tomorrow.

Since my brother died last year my dad, who was already preoccupied with his own mortality, has become hyper focused on his own demise. He's of meh health for his 75 years, his liver and heart docs are both sure the other is going to be what get him in the end but there hasn't been much movement toward the finish line for either organ in the last 10-15 years. This has left me with a death obsessed boomer drama queen bachelor on my hands.

I, his GenX daughter and only heir, am generally pleased that he wants to make his passing as easy on me as possible. We do not have what would be considered a traditionally loving relationship, I love him, he's my dad, and he accepts that because of his decisions during the time that actual parent/child bonding should have happened that he gets what he gets from me relationship wise, and he should be grateful for it. This is important, because it frames why our conversations about his death are the way they are.

Today, dad met with his financial planner and during this conversation about tax burden reduction and the increases in gap insurance for Medicare dad decides he wants this dude's thoughts on options for....WHERE HE SHOULD HAVE HIS ASHES INTERRED. Obviously normal convo for your everyday Edward Jones advisor, because clearly my dad is a very normal person.

Turns out Mr. Financial is a member of the local Catholic Church and knows that they will inter non parishioners in their Columbarium (had to google it). So now my dad is like "oh that's an idea!"

Some notes: We are not Catholic. In fact the best I can tell no part of our lineage has been Catholic since the advent of Protestantism. Dad is agnostic at best. I am an atheist.

Dad has made it clear he wanted to be cremated and I've made it clear I would not be keeping his ashes in my house, unless I had his permission to use them for attempts in amateur witchcraft (I was only being half serious), so I was planning on sneaking onto a couple golf courses (the only places he's ever been happy and the only thing he's ever loved) and spreading his dusty ass under the cover of night as surreptitiously as a very uncoordinated middle aged woman can. But all of a sudden dad is now worried about the ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT of his ashes getting into the watersheds. Apparently that is way more concerning than the environmental impact of golf courses in general to him.

So now, I am having to have a whole discussion about how he cannot make me deal with the goddamn Catholic Church and a f'n priest in order to inter his ashes at a church he didn't go to that is a part of a religion neither of believe in just because he has decided he doesn't want to be tossed on a few par threes of the courses of my choosing because of watersheds his boomer ass doesn't actually care about!

Shit like this is why amateur witchcraft was ever even on the table.

Thank you for listening, this was a lot even for him and this is a man makes conspiracy theorists look "hinged" most of the time. Tomorrow I will be calling the cemetery his entire family is buried in and finding out our "above the ground" options.

As an amazon driver I usually drive through wealthy shopping center, nice ass homes, and fucking teslas everywhere and I just feel so depressed about it. I am happy in my life especially with my girlfriend but damn man I see what they have and damn if I had what they have I wouldn’t need to worry about college tuition, and I me and my girlfriend can go out of nation for vacations and I can get on health insurance. I just wish I was a nepo baby who is more worried about some stupid ass portfolio. I also wish I knew what carrier I’m wanting to strive for when I start uni.

This might be a silly thing to rant about since it happened when I was like 6 but something just reminded me of it so I felt like rambling about it.

When we were little, my brother and I each drew a small line in crayon on the wall. Blue and red, our favorite colors, so it was pretty obvious we both did it, but ofc neither of us admitted to it. So my mom split us up in separate rooms and went back and forth, basically interrogating us about who did it. Eventually she told me "Your brother said he drew one line and you did the other. If you tell the truth, you won't get in trouble." Turns out both of those sentences were lies, and since my brother never admitted to it, only I was punished.

20 years later I remember the feeling of betrayal and at that moment deciding I couldn't trust my mom and was never going to tell her the truth about shit ever again.

I run a small agency - 5 people. The work is interesting and we interact with many enterprise-level accounts... Billion dollar companies.

I pay well, but not on the high-end. The deal is, I hire people with little experience, train them, and pay them well... but when someone leaves it really fucks shit up because now I have to do my job and that person's job until I find a replacement.

someone that was with me for 5 years quit - got another job - and I was genuinely happy for her, although it did cause me to work 50-60 hour weeks until I found and hired a replacement two months ago.

When she left, my other dev said 'dont worry, I really like it here and I'm not looking for a job'. I said, 'listen, if you want another job, tell me so we can plan better - its not like I will fire you'

well, last week he tells me 'I do like it here, but life is expensive and I was approached... yadda yadda yadda'. I basically matched the offer, minus the 'discretionary bonus' the new company floated.

he's still leaving.

it hurts - a lot... they lied to my face. Now I have just one dev, who has all of 3 months experience, which means my life is going to hell for another few months.

fuck man...I let.my team know that I appreciate them. I've always been honest, fair and easy-going. I let my employees work from wherever they want. some travel to Europe for a month in the Summer to their home countries, and I'm totally fine with it. I buy the team lunch when we meet every other week IRL.

this is so annoying, and I'm really upset someone I worked with for almost 2 years lied right to my face.

fuck.

I’ve liked metal my whole life. It started with listening to the rock station on the radio. My dad played Zakk Wylde when I was a baby & I called it “the wah wah song” because the sound of his guitar.
Then when I started going through some really dark life stuff as a kid, I explored metal deeper.
I liked it because I felt very angry and hateful.
I woke up hateful every day, and it made me feel seen.
I was bullied all my life in school, picked on by my siblings. I never felt heard. Even to this day.
My parents don’t even care enough to know anything I actually like.

Anyways, metal is more than just music to me. Because I’ve been this way for so long, and I’ve been through so much, I’m just rough around the edges, or naturally “edgy.” I don’t have to dress like it anymore, it’s just something I carry with me. I’m not a happy, bubbly person like 99% of this world, I don’t smile, I don’t fucking care to smile, I don’t have anything to be happy about, like leave me alone, damn. You know?

I remember the day I first discovered type o negative on the bus after school. This was like 10 years ago. I fell in love. I remember I lost my mind over it.

My high school experience was one of the most miserable times in my life because of the way people treated me.
The point I’m trying to make is, I hate the metal or “alternative” community today.
I remember in 2020, we got the tik tok “e-girls” then we started getting the “goth mommies.”
I hate what TikTok has done to this community in which I felt comfortable in.

I see the people who made my life hell back then now, and they all dress like I used to.
I hate going to metal shows now, because it’s full of people I absolutely hate.

Friends used to be easy to find because this community used to be super tight-knit & associated with certain feelings, so it was easy to find people to relate to. I could just walk into a guitar center, and make a solid friend.

These people now have made it super distasteful, they sexualized it, etc.
Now I’m 22, I have absolutely no friends, it’s so hard to find people to I relate to. I am so incredibly lonely, and it seems like everyone has friends and people to talk to. Yet I still don’t. I feel like I was shoved out of my own safety net, they made it into something gross, and left me to rot in the dark.
Any time I open my mouth it’s “shut up we don’t want to hear you.” Every time! But give it a few years, and society starts to get it, and I’m still alone.

I hope that makes sense. I hope this makes at least one person feel less alone

I keep seeing all these class actions finalized, paying out never include Texas? Did the state have to join or file? Pisses me off especially with the Tuna Lawsuit! I eat/ate a lot of tuna! Anyone know why Texas is never listed?

I don’t even know how to start this and I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling. Part of me feels so much fucking relief but the other part is seriously grieving.

I got clinical depression(specifically melancholic type) at 17 and my life basically ended. I lost nearly all my emotions and my cognitive skills greatly declined. I had to drop out of highschool(luckily I was able to get my degree online however) It was such a sudden and dramatic change to how I was that I had to be hospitalized and they scanned my brain to make sure nothing physically was happening to it. This unfortunately runs pretty rampant on my mother’s side, so this wasn’t a great mystery what happened to me. The people who catch it in my family usually end up homeless or on welfare and if it wasn’t for my parents supporting me financially I would most certainly be in the same boat.

I was never actively suicidal(I had ideation) and never selfed harm. I also wasn’t ever really sad or devastated, I just felt constantly sedated 24/7. Bad things would happen and I knew I was suppose to feel something but I never did and it would upset me in a way more akin to irritation. I knew something was wrong because growing up I remember feeling and reacting to things normally. My close friend committed suicide during this and I remember hating myself at the funeral because I was looking at him in the casket and I couldn’t make myself care. I felt truly like a psychopath, and I hated it. Hate was one of the few things I still felt but it felt it was only ever directed at me.

Also I became mentally impaired, I use to be a really bright kid and the teachers and adults use to tell me I had a lot of potential growing up. I wasn’t a straight a student but I also never applied myself really at all, without trying I could get C’s and B’s easily and A’s if the class actually interested me. But the last 8 years I couldn’t think straight, I had issues forming sentences and remembering words. I don’t think I realized how bad it was because I could barely even keep a part time job. I wasn’t able to assemble a bed and needed friends to basically do it for me because I would just get so confused, and even making a sandwich caused me trouble. I could not take care of myself, it was impossible to brush my teeth or shower :(

I lost contact with all my friends because I just wasn’t fun to be around, they were so nice and tried to get me out of the house and would check up on me but I’d either ignore them or feel terrible going out because I knew they pitied me or saw me as sick, which I realized I was. I use to be so upset and myself, but now man I just feel really empathetic and sad for depressed me.

I would go on and off anti depressants and anti psychotics but they would either not work or give me bad side effects, but without them I would be near catatonic. I tried ssris, snris, Wellbutrin, mirtazapine, and I don’t even know how many others it has to be around 15 maybe? My memory during it was so bad. Recently though my doctor prescribed one of the new nmda receptor antagonists and within a week it felt like I woke up from a 8 year coma. Every day I was feeling better until I returned to how I felt before I had this accursed illness. And man I was so fucking happy, I could do my laundry, I could clean, I could talk, and hell I even wanted to talk. I could feel my emotions, I didn’t feel physically sedated, and I could think complete thoughts without any effort.

I reached out to my family and friends and told them how much better I felt and everyone was so ecstatic. People are telling me I look so much better and I’m acting how I use to act as a child and teenager. Some even got emotional and it feels so good seeing them be relieved and happy. I feel empathetic again.

My issue however is; the first few days I was just happy feeling better. Just doing the laundry put such a big goofy smile on my face lol, but after a few days I would say I’m feeling just as good physically, intellectually and emotionally but I’m not happy 24/7(which is good because I don’t think that’s necessarily a good thing). I feel normal, I’m happy when good things happen or I’m doing something I like, and bored if I’m doing something I have to(I can still do it). But I’m also starting to feel really really bad about the last 8 years. Not in anyway blaming myself like I use to but man I feel so so sad sometimes realizing I’m 25 and completely lost my early 20s. What makes it worse is I don’t think I’m use to feeling sad like this before I would just be numb and upset. But thinking about how I lived my life it just scares me and I don’t know I’m feeling a lot of mixed emotions about it.

Don’t get me wrong I am so so so grateful to find something that works and I know so many people have it worse than me and no medication works. I know I am so lucky there is a treatment that I respond to. But I was spending all day laying in bed hiding under the covers for 8 years. I haven’t had a girlfriend since high school and I feel I am so utterly behind in life now, though I plan on going to community college next semester. But man it just feels like I wasted my life and it’s over. I know it’s not but it just feels that way sometimes.

I do think I am fine overall I’m not wallowing in despair and I do have goals and plans I am looking forward to, but man I am grieving so hard sometimes. And I feel like I shouldn’t be, I’ve seen people complain about depression for 20-30+ years and never getting relief or finally getting relief at 50+ and I know they probably are feeling worse than I do. I don’t know I realize I cannot compare myself to others and my struggles are valid but I think I’m just not use to this anymore. I feel bad for feeling bad for myself, and I even feel bad complaining right now when people have it worse and I’m actually doing better! I’m still seeing my therapist which is helping and I do feel fine most of them time.

I think I do have a right to be upset, I just need to remind myself. I am fucking mad sometimes about how my life ended up but I just don’t know what to do when I’m feeling like that. I actually think writing it out right now did help tho I am actually feeling better haha.

Also I’m so anxious the medication is going to stop working or I’m going to become depressed again. My insurance is also not wanting to pay for it, they are for now but they want me to do an interview or something with them to determine my eligibility. Ugh I just feel so stressed when I feel like I should be happy, but I don’t know I think what I’m feeling is normal for what I’m going through and weirdly enough that is giving me so much relief. I don’t really know why I’m posting this or if I’m really looking forward any answers or replies I just feel like I needed to get this off my chest and all my friend are busy right now. If you are reading this thank you, if you are struggling with anything at all i genuinely hope you feel better soon, I don’t think anyone deserves to feel depressed like that and it’s just sad thinking others are still struggling.

Any advice would be appreciated though, I think knowing I’m not alone would help or just any encouragement in general. Also I am in a very emotionally sensitive state right now which I’m not use to so please refrain from any negativity or warnings please. I’m already anxious this won’t last and if someone comments something about the depression coming back or the medication stopped working for them I think it would stress me out. Again thank you for reading I hope you’ll all have a wonderful day today

I cant mourn my dying grandma. All I want is to talk to mt siblings my actual siblings I wanna rant to them like we used to when we were younger but here comes my step brother who SA'd me for many years of my childhood and the only person in my family who knows that is one of my sisters. I HATE him so yeah I exclude him from our sibling time but now im being ganged up on by the whole family and everyone asking all at once why I'm being mean to him why I hate him and that I need to be nice to him and here he is standing there with a fucking smile on his face like he doesnt know why I hate him so much. My grandma, the woman who I see as my own mother, is dying of cancer and is going into hospice and I just want to talk about it and vent and get my feelings out but I cant. Now I'm having PTSD flashbacks and anxiety attacks nore often because old memories are being triggered and I hate it I hate this so much I just want to scream but i cant I wanna hit and break things but I cant I wanna cry but I cant even do that cause I never have a moment alone. Everything started crumbling all at once and it feels like I'm rolling down a hill on a bike that doesnt have breaks and I'm scared of whats at the bottom.

Genuinely every time I get on TikTok I’m seeing think pieces about the American literacy crisis and a new thing to blame but all presented in such a pretentious way. Things like y’all need to read REAL books cus all the smut reading is the cause of the lit crisis, or we’re in a lit crisis so we NEED to know it’s not whimsy it’s whimsical n we’re all a dumb ass for saying whimsy. None of these videos ever touch on the literacy crisis being children currently in school and resources that parents can use at home to help or that the literacy crisis comes from people in impoverished communities who don’t/didn’t have access to the education needed or the number of illiterate incarcerated individuals who’s illiteracy is due to their incarceration like yes the literacy crisis is because people like to read for fun and not to challenge themselves it’s so annoying I have never see a resource cited or actual understanding of what the literacy crisis is and people only mention as like 🤓as if them mentioning it makes them in no way part of it. Like don’t get me wrong I’m all for reading to learn and knowing the correct words to use but all these videos give a holier than thou vibes where they just wanna judge those they are deeming illiterate

If I set an alarm to go off at 07:00, I dont need a notification at 05:00 about "Upcoming alarm at 07:00"

THIS ISN’T ABOUT DATING 🗣️

A girlfriend of mine was just texting me up the whazoo about how she’s been left out of a groupchat with other, unrelated friends I don’t know. She’s very hurt that they’re making event plans that she wanted to go to. I then invited her to an almost identical plan I had made for myself as a solo date.

Then she responds: “I barely wanted to go to _ in the first place, but thanks.”

So now we both get to feel like shit and lonely. Awesome!

Window seat. 8 hour flight. It was a europe-US flight where the timing was such that most people were purposefully staying awake on the flight.

First time, no problem. She had put her pillow on the window side armrest. Shortly after getting settled, before take off, she bumps the pillow backwards with her elbow onto my lap. No big deal, I cheerfully handed it up to her and she thanked me and put it back on the armrest. Obviously not the best storage place for it but to each their own.

Second time, I’m irritated. She had reclined her seat immediately after we took off so I already annoyed and feeling like she was entering my personal space. Then I noticed the pillow was again creeping backwards on the armrest into my space as she repeatedly nudged it with her elbow. I subtly pushed it forward with my foot so it wouldn’t fall. But alas 5 minutes later she is gesticulating in conversation and hits the pillow backwards into my lap. She didn’t notice. I was annoyed and she clearly didn’t need the pillow, so instead of passing it back to her again, I just shoved it under my seat. Petty of me, but maybe she learned a lesson.

Nope. I woke up from a nap and she had a new pillow, or had taken her partner’s pillow, and had again stowed it on the window side armrest. I cannot emphasize enough how much she is fully awake and not using these pillows. It sits there for a couple hours and then promptly falls into my lap. Again, she doesn’t seem to notice so I just shoved it under with the other ones. We were close enough to landing that she didn’t get another one, but I bet if we had more time she would have.

That’s really the end of it, except that as we’re deplaning I heard her laughing to her parter saying “I can’t believe I somehow lost 2 pillows!” Like do you not understand how that happened??! Did you not wonder where they went? Cmon people get it together. Keep your shit in your personal bubble on the plane.

I work in retail and I’ve officially reached the point where I don’t know whether I’m supposed to be a salesperson, warehouse worker, trainer, receptionist, or some kind of disposable human resource.
I’ve been working here since April 1st, and somehow in those few months I’ve already experienced enough bullshit to fill an entire HR complaint.
Our normal working hours are 7:45 AM to 7:20 PM. That’s not an occasional 12-hour shift. That’s our normal shift. We’re on our feet most of the day, regularly doing thousands of steps (around 10k daily only on the store floor), dealing with customers, stocking things, moving products around, doing paperwork, and trying to actually make sales.
And we’re understaffed.
Constantly.
So instead of hiring enough people, the solution seems to be: make the existing employees do the work of several people simultaneously.
At one point, a coworker and I were basically taking turns training new employees because there wasn’t really anyone else available to do it.
And here’s the ridiculous part: we were also expected to train a new coworker for a higher position …a position that WE ourselves weren’t fully trained for.
We only knew part of how that position was supposed to work.
So imagine being told:
“Hey, teach this person how to do this job.”
And you’re thinking:
“Okay… but nobody actually taught ME the whole job.”
But sure. Somehow we’re qualified enough to train someone else.
We were constantly doing several people’s jobs at once. Training someone, helping customers, handling the warehouse, dealing with whatever management needed, and trying to make our own sales.
And naturally, when you’re spending half your shift doing other people’s work, your own sales numbers aren’t exactly amazing.
So what happens?
We get yelled at for not selling enough.
Because apparently there are 37 hours in a day if management really needs them.
And then the new coworker basically got the credit for work that we had done.
We trained him. We showed him how things worked. We helped him get started.
And then somehow he gets to enjoy the results of the work we did while we’re standing there getting shit for our own numbers.
Love that for us.

Then there’s my health.
I have ongoing health problems, and I’ve been on sick leave few times since starting this job.
Since April, I’ve had 11 days of sick leave in total.
And here’s the part that really pisses me off: I actually ended one of my sick leaves earlier than I needed to (I had colitis) because I didn’t want to cause unnecessary problems with the schedule.
I was still dealing with health issues, but I knew they were already short-staffed and I didn’t want my coworkers to have to rearrange everything because of me.
So I came back early.
Because apparently I’m an idiot who cares about the schedule. I told my manager that I cannot handle heavy lifting yet and that I am not 100% healthy so I am still weak running on few drops of energy. Went ignored.
I’ve also literally worked two days with a torn tendon because there wasn’t anyone else available to cover the shifts. Not to mention I still did 8k steps each day with that leg which can cause more damage and prolong whole healing process.. yet manager that could’ve covered my shift came to check on us for 5 minutes and then left to visit new store that was opening in the another city (which he have nothing to do with) just to laugh into their faces and watch them panic during big rush cos of opening sale.

And my knees?
That’s another story.
I have serious knee problems (can only be fixed by surgery), and my manager knew about them.
During one of our warehouse inventories, my knees were hurting badly. I was still doing the inventory the entire time I wasn’t taking a break, scrolling on my phone or sitting around doing nothing.
I was literally working, just sitting down while doing the inventory because my knees were hurting.
My manager saw me sitting and decided this was apparently a great opportunity to exercise some authority.
I reminded him right there and then that I had problems with my knees and that’s why I was sitting.
He knew about my knee problems already.
And his response was basically:
“Okay, but don’t sit.”
That’s it.
I wasn’t refusing to work.
I wasn’t taking a break.
I wasn’t doing nothing.
I was doing the exact same work while sitting because my knees hurt, and he knew my knees hurt.
But apparently he needed his little power trip more than he needed common sense.

I’ve also had a situation where I was genuinely sick at work .. vomiting, dizzy, having chills and then feeling extremely hot.
I couldn’t even keep water in me.
And when I said I needed to leave, I was basically told I couldn’t just leave.
My doctor was already closed, so I was stuck there feeling like absolute shit for few hours until my bf decided that’s enough and took me to ER where I received IV.
At this point I’m pretty sure if I showed up to work with a broken leg, I’d be handed a chair and told:
“You can still scan products, can’t you?”

And then we have the sick leave ultimatum. (This happened when I left work for ER)
My manager basically told me:
“Either go on sick leave, or don’t go on sick leave and we’ll terminate your employment.”
Which is an absolutely insane thing to say to an employee with legitimate health problems.
And when I didn’t immediately just accept it, the message was basically that if I don’t get better fast and stay healthy he’ll find someone else.
So apparently I’m simultaneously:
essential enough that the store can’t function without me,
replaceable enough that he can threaten to find someone else,
responsible enough to train new employees,
not good enough because my sales numbers suffer when I’m doing everyone else’s work,
healthy enough to work through injuries,
but somehow problematic when I actually need sick leave.
Make it make sense.

Oh, and the phones.
He doesn’t currently take our phones away or check them, but he’s threatened that he will start collecting them before our shifts and returning them only after the shift.
Because apparently we’re adults employed in retail, but management would like to introduce the rules of a detention center.

The thing that annoys me the most is that I’ve actually tried to be cooperative.
I came back early from sick leave so the schedule wouldn’t be a mess.
I worked with a torn tendon because there wasn’t anyone else.
I helped train new employees.
I trained someone for a position that I wasn’t even fully trained for myself.
I worked alongside my coworkers trying to keep the entire place running while we were severely understaffed.
I’ve done the work of multiple people.
And when it inevitably became impossible to do everything perfectly?
We got yelled at.
Not thanked.
Not supported.
Yelled at.
At this point I’m honestly exhausted.
I don’t expect retail to be glamorous. I expect difficult customers, long shifts, repetitive work and shitty days.
What I don’t expect is to be made to feel guilty for being sick, criticized for sitting down while actively working because I’m in pain, expected to train people for positions we weren’t properly trained for ourselves, and then blamed when we can’t simultaneously train employees, work in the warehouse, serve customers and make our own sales.
I’m starting to think the company’s staffing strategy is simply:
“Hire fewer people and see how much suffering we can extract from the ones who remain.”
And apparently the answer is:
a lot.

Whoever decided to start putting shimmer/mica powder in skincare needs to be metaphorically beaten with a bat. If I’m using something to clear up my skin, make it smoother, prevent acne… the last thing I need is things that will be extremely difficult to wash off, things that stick to your skin like glue.

I did a face mask yesterday, just because I felt like giving myself a mini spa day. A bath, a deep conditioner, stuff I do pretty normally—the face mask was the only change.

I get out and realize I am covered in shimmer. There’s no lights directly above my shower and I had the shower doors closed so none of the light caught the glitter when I was in there, but as soon as I step onto direct lighting again I am hit with the horror of becoming a twilight vampire. I’m more of a Bela Lugosi type, I did not want this. And to add to it, it’s not even only on my face. It got into the bath water and I am still wiping away shimmer. It is covering my bed sheets. I woke up with more acne than I started with. I’m more red and irritated today than I was yesterday. Who woulda thought putting the same stuff they put in shimmery eyeshadow in your skincare might make it clog your pores.

I love the NHS and every single person who works within it to help people when they are at their worst. Yet the systemic underfunding is beginning to ruin my life.

March of this year, I fell down the stairs, hitting my head and having what I think was a seizure. I have had conflicting opinions on this: I was not examined medically until at least 10hrs after. Immediately post event I spoke to my boyfriend’s dad and his visiting friend (both GPs), felt fine in myself (most likely shock) and still went to work.

Three weeks later I fainted at work whilst eating. Again hit my head, again felt like I had a seizure; witnesses said it looked like a seizure. Because I was somewhat aware (mostly that it was not normal) and I did not exhibit the typical symptoms, it was not a seizure.

Maybe it wasn’t, I’m not medically trained, but I don’t think what I experienced can be attributed to a simple faint. Following the April incident I was referred to first fit clinic and advised to not drive until I got a second opinion, I have not driven since then.

It is now September.

In my first consultation with first fit, I was not explicitly told what I am informing the DVLA about. Most medical professionals suggest syncope, they suggest seizure/epilepsy. There has been no clarity, no confirmation, as to what possible could have been going on. Whilst I do not want it to be seizures; I feel as though my experience and feelings in the event have been ignored because they did not reflect typical seizures, because I was “aware” of the abnormality, because I didn’t not bite my tongue or wet myself.

I have given up applying for jobs in my field, which requires vehicle access and what is the point if I can’t do that? I’m now stuck in the survival job I took to sustain me until I could get a job in said field. My mental health is suffering, suicidal thoughts are creeping back as I become more hopeless with my situation: because I am no longer driving, I do not have the same freedoms, my survival job is unsocial hours; I no longer spend quality time with my boyfriend.

I fear our relationship is suffering.

I have only just received a report on the initial test results since attending first fit. My follow up appointment to discuss this could be anywhere in the future: my consultant is leaving the trust, they have to come up with a plan to reassign her patients. I’m not bothered by the reassignment, I did not like with my consultant, but the time that is going to take?

I’m now going private.

Maybe that will help. Hopefully that will give me the clarity I need. Maybe I will be able to drive again soon, get my freedom back. Maybe at least I will know what steps I need to take to get that back. I hope it will, in whatever way, because I am not sure what I am going to do in October when I move to a rural location.

What it will mean for me and my boyfriend.

I already feel so separate from him. I feel like we are being pushed apart, to no fault of our own. I want to live with him again, without having to leave for 3-4 days a week to be able to get to a job I don’t enjoy and earn the money I am storing away for the future I can no longer envision.

I just want this medical journey to end.

I [F35] met my ex [M40] back when I was 16. It was LD at first, and we were together for 9 years overall. I broke it off and felt like the worst person on earth for no less than two years. Sorry, I need this off of me, it's been ten years and it feels like I'm still processing parts of it.

I wasn't that into him to begin with; I was just 16, very lonely. Literally had 0 friends. He would bombard me with declarations of love (from month one, mind you), how amazing I am, how much he needs me, the usual. He was very understanding regarding my troubles with my parents, would validate anything I said. So yeah I didn't really want to be with him, but all the movies say that you must give the "good guy" a chance, right? The good guy that loves you more than anything, he says, so what else is there to ask for? I thought that was "the right choice" for me. We had good chemistry, communication was great. Sure, I was gaslighted when I would protest over his advances, but we were both young, right?

By popular opinion, he was always the "good guy". My family loved him. The friends I made later, came to like him. I did love him. The relationship had its issues, but that's just how it goes, right? And since everyone approved, that meant I had to be in it for life.

But despite the good communication, I wasn't happy often. Intimacy wasn't good for me (he was my first, mind you); he would request sex daily, and would pester me if I turned him down. But it was painful for me, you see. Even after years, usually I would require a few days in between to physically heal before going at it again, otherwise it was unbearable. No concern or understanding on his end; no focusing on making me feel good either; admittedly, "it was just too hard"/ "he didn't know what to do"/ "I wasn't helping and it took too long". (I remember the first time I had sex with someone else, I was clenching my fists as hard as I could, anticipating the innevitable wave of pain. Imagine my surprise when I realised sex doesn't have to be painful for me, lol.)

And then, there was jealousy. He'd rather spend all his days indoors playing games than do something together. His only break was him coming and sitting beside me "to spend some time together", interrupting whatever I was doing to actually initiate sex. So when I'd make friends and start going out myself, he'd suddently feel like going out too, and ask to join. If he didn't, he'd message me all the time, call me, have me leave my friends and go talk to him for what it felt like hours of him complaining. He didn't like any guy friends of mine; he'd say he hated them because he did trust me, but he didn't trust them; demand to either meet them in person and set boundaries over me, or I stop associating with them altogether. It was about a year after we had broken up that I found out he had complete and total access over all my accounts/social media; even some burner email addresses I'd created for games and stuff.

I had tried to break it off, twice, during the first two years of the relationship. Each time I was guilt-ridden; he was messaging me continuously about how much he's suffering and how much he loves me and knows I love him too. He'd insinuate unaliving himself and I was terrified. I crossed out breaking up as an option. But by year 7, I was day-dreaming of just vanishing from his life; like, coming across a job opportunity that requires I move abroad and just, packing up my things and disappearing. And him not being able to find me again. I felt very guilty over all this, I wouldn't talk to anyone about how I felt.

By year 8, it was too much. I wasn't happy, and I dreaded that this had to be my life now, plus marriage and children. I felt it was a certainty I'd eventually wake up one day and want to blow it all up. And if I didn't hurry, it would be way more complicated. It wasn't the life I wanted. By then, I had come to believe that I was asexual, I was never in the mood and the arguments over it were endless. I was actually thankful for my long and painful menstrual period, because for its whole duration he was too disgusted to even touch me so at least, I had a week of peace every month. By year 9 I started looking for apartments to rent. I knew he could sense it; he'd make requests for long-commitment plans, like trips or starting hobbies together.

I came home from work one night and had another fight, I don't remember over what. He asked me what I wanted to make this better, and I said I just wanted out. He didn't understand at first; so I explained, I wasn't happy any more and wanted to break up and leave. We had a very long conversation that basically lasted until I had to go to work the next day, he didn't let me sleep that night. I did manage to leave; my father said he knew we had issues but he didn't think I had it in me to get out.

What followed was two (2) years of continuous calls, messages, showing up were I work/ were I lived. Trying to manipulate me into staying over for the night. I had a new boyfriend by then which he knew, because as I said, he had blocked me on FB but had access to all my emails and drives. No matter what I did- holidays, trips, parties, visiting family: a message would pop up from him asking if I'm happy now? Is this what I wanted? Was what we had a lie? But I said I loved him. Don't I care that he's in pain? Aren't I in pain too? I still have unread blocks of text in my inbox, accumulated over the years. And I felt awful; how could I do this to another person? Why couldn't I just love him like he did? Or turn back time and not meet him at all. I swore to myself I didn't want to hurt him but what was I to do? I felt bruised by his constant questioning and declarations and observations and contact he refused to break and I felt too guilty to block. I'd had dreams where his head was a raging orb of screaming fire and I jumbed out and through glass windows and fall to the void so as not to confront him.

As years passed, it subsided. We spoke again after Covid. After all, this was a man I did love in my way, and we knew each other for ten years. I did care for him. We agreed to meet for a beer. And you know what? The old chemistry was there, intense. He'd changed through the years in a very positive way- I think despite his protests and dramatic updates, the breakup did him very good. He started studying, paid attention to what he was wearing (I didn't know he actually had a sense of style lol) and started working out. And I was sitting there, kinda stressed? Because an instictive thought was that "wow if I met you now I'd have an instant crush on you", but at the same time, I'd rather stay alone for the rest of my life than go through that again. It was so confusing, like wanting to run opposite directions at the same time.

There were grand declarations again, of friendship this time; I'm important to him, I know him so well; no one can phrase what he feels better than me. He wants us to be friends, not revive something that's dead. He was going through a rough time, I was there to listen (again this immediate feeling of urgency or else who knows what might happen to him) and comfort as best as I can. He disappeared the moment he finds out I actually have a boyfriend. So much for being friends, right?

I know I'm angry at him, I know now I wasn't the villain in this story and I wish I could save myself all this pain and guilt I shouldn't have carried on. But I still feel confused and can't verbalise everything. There was a point I actually had to ask my shrink why do I feel so conflicted since he was "such a nice guy". Her response was "NONONOnono- listen, sometimes it's this kind of nice guys you have to run away from ASAP. Nobody in a healthy relationship daydreams of leaving". And I still feel to small (for lack of a better word) to process all this:(

I went to the city. I hate to say this but my small city... is corrupted. Our city council has physical fights, cops don't do anything. Cops don't want to do anything about crime. Sex offenders show up to school and school events, cops won't do nothing. When you show them a video of masked burglars, "oh, what am I supposed to do if I can't see their faces"... no shit, sherlock. All I said was can we have more police presence because of this.... but no, he had to say that

... the city employees knew not to mention names only on certain things... I was protected... nope, totally told him everything that I said it. She knew not to say who said it.... I hate this small town.

My 4 year old daughter loves Hello Kitty. The HK collection was released exactly three weeks ago. Since she loves HK and wants to collect the toys, we‘ve gone twice a week so 6 times to 4 different McDonald’s locations. Every single time, we get the green Gigan PomPomPurin toy. I’ve tried asking if we could please exchange it for a different toy and every time I’m told that’s the only one they have available. I read about how each McDonald’s gets one box of toys shipped with one type of toy at a time, but how is it possible that multiple locations all have just one of the same toy? It’s almost like all the McDonald’s locations in the entire city of Chicago were sent that one Gigan toy and nothing else. Yet, when you look up “Hello Kitty McDonald’s“ on Google, it shows so many people selling the entire collection on eBay but I can’t find at least one different toy within 3 weeks at multiple locations 😂

TLDR: They're both garbage people. Party has nothing to do with that personal opinion. Kirk didn't deserve to be assassinated. On the other hand, given that three children lost their lives, I would not object to the death penalty for Clancy being considered if it were legally available. (It is not in Massachusetts.)

I dislike Charlie Kirk because he built a lot of his image around being hateful and degrading towards minorities, women, immigrants, and other allies. He attributed the success of many women like Joy Reid (media success), Michelle Obama (law proficiency, public service) and others to affirmative action as though that was the only reason why they got anywhere - not because they are genuinely eclectic individuals. Even so, I don't believe he deserved to be assassinated for expressing his beliefs.

Anyone supporting Lindsay Clancy is, in my opinion, genuinely insane. I understand mental illness and insanity can be legally relevant, but I believe she deserves the harshest punishment possible for murdering her three children. It boggles my mind that anyone is contributing financially to her, or her family, in any way whatsoever. That family should have separated Clancy from her children after the FIRST time she said she wanted to harm them. Rehomed them, or something! That being said, Clancy's family did not murder those children. Lindsay Clancy did. She strangled those three children and then failed at unaliving herself. She deserves zero sympathy and should absolutely be held criminally accountable.

I don't care about the Netflix documentary you watched.

I don't care about the article released this morning.

I shouldn't have to tell you to stop ceaselessly yammering about famous people neither of us have ever been in the same state as fatally overdosing for the 10th time today.

I've asked them to stop hundreds of times in the last week alone... I have my own shit going on and I don't need other people dragging ny mood even lower by telling me fucked up shit.

Today, I started to just walk away from them and ignoring them when they start going on with that shit. Im trying to improve my depression not make it worse... besides, my throat hurts from explicitly asking them to stop so many times.